This is it: the inaugural version of tabloid-type horoscopes written with you earthbound folks in mind. While the great astrologers promise you the stars, this one is about real stuff. In the finest Gonzo tradition, "Trust me, I am a professional."

But look, Shakespeare said it best:

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,

But in ourselves, that we are underlings.

Julius Caesar (I.ii.134-5)

-Kramer

Aries: You really don't have much to look forward to this month. Matter of fact, it would be a good month to take vacation and never leave the house: that's right, get in bed, pull the covers over your face, and stay there. When it comes to luck, one would suppose that bad luck is better than no luck, and if that's how you want to look at it, then go for it. Me, I'd stay in bed.

Taurus: Last month's romantic intoxication is over, but you woke up sober today. Get on with life; that fling was nothing more than short-lived pain. Ask yourself, "Self, wasn't it merely infatuation?" Other than a passing fancy at romance, what else is going for you? The potential for radical change still lingers in the air. Just watch for the romantic stuff: it will still hurt.

Gemini: Get over it. You're a year older, and none the wiser. Last month's mood swings aren't gone yet. Not a good time to buy hand guns or, for that matter, any serious firepower. Stay away from incendiary bombs for starting picnic fires and Fourth celebrations. Low-yield, thermonuclear devices are out as well, for you guys. Unless, of course, you want to be trigger happy. Then make some one's day.

Cancer: Happy birthday. It's a great time for escape behavior, like maybe a trip to France, but buying property is out of the question: reassess that big land deal. Unless, of course, I can interest you in some beach-front, ocean-side property in Arizona? Will you really make a lot of easy money? I think not. Hey, this is real. I can see those wheels spinning. Since you are in the mood, think about my offer.

Leo: Surf's up! Take advantage of poor Cancer's loss in the investment market! By the end of the month, your mood swings will be on the up and up! You might even have a chance at romance. Start planning your party now, as if you would ever have a quite, sedate celebration. Party on, Leo!

Virgo: So, the sign of the Virgin is randy this month: you feel like having sex, but, what with that Virgo sensibility, you have to shower afterwards. Expect a higher than usual water bill: from either cold showers, or steamy, sensual baths. And buy some skin conditioner, too, you're going to need it. Watch out for Scorpio's action.

Libra: You lucky dog, you. This is the beginning of a great cycle for you. Things can't get much better than this. Look for luck, especially in partnerships. Except with Cancers. Matter of fact, this is your time to get lucky, if you know what I mean and I think you do, so get out of here. You are so in luck this month you could sit at home and watch television, and the doorbell will ring with that lucky prize: pizza delivery. And, since it was over an hour late, it's free. Life just doesn't get much better than this. Normally, I can't recommend the lottery, but you ought to think about it.

Scorpio: Just when you thought life's little traumatic movements were finally going to settle down, you Scorpios are still experiencing the whiplash effect of drastic change. And, you don't take well to change. Get out to the mall, now is a great time for you to add some more black clothes to you wardrobe. Try a splash of color, maybe some blood red trim for that black T-shirt. Make sure you have your extra dark shades, though, that sunlight is bright!

Sagittarius: Uh-oh, time for karmic bills with Gemini! And stay clear of Capricorns! You don't need to buy real estate, either-not a good time for that big deal, either.

Capricorn: Aren't you getting tired of this stuff yet? Well, it ain't over. Look for some new commando-terrorist gear down at the mall, something in a desert beige. You really should find something to hide yourself in: the worst of the trouble isn't over yet. That nagging sore throat could turn into a serious infection if you don't see the doctor soon. And stay away from Virgos.

Aquarius: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, along comes the sequel: you might wake up one day and think like a Capricorn. Not that there are any lingering effects from the stars, but have you finished cleaning house yet? It isn't over yet, so try and meditate. Nothing else you can do.

Pisces: Have another beer: life isn't going to get any better for a while, so you might as well enjoy the ride. What's the point of struggling, not that you would, anyway. You might get a dose of luck, out of the blue, so try your hand at the lottery. That's about the best you can hope for. And when you don't win, well, don't say I didn't warn you.