Week of: 12/14-20

And Cupid grant all tongueÜtied maidens here/Bed, chamber, Pandar to provide this gear!
Pandarus in Shakespeare's "Troilus and Cressida" [III.ii.208-9]

I've been accused of not pandering to the publics likes and dislikes, and this is nothing new. But I did get out to the mall the other day with a certain Gemini friend, she wanted to do a little Xmas shopping, and I gallantly volunteered. I was doing my best for the holiday spirit. Two days later, I was out without a different friend, and we were in the same mall, and my friend wandered into the same store I had been in earlier... a dress store.

Rather than hide the fact that I had been there before, I pointed out a particular red dress, "Yeah, that girl I was with the other day got one of these," I said, pointing to the dress on a mannequin, "size two."

"Kramer, you should never mention dress sizes to women. Size 2? I hope you enjoy you're walk home."

I'm not complaining, it was only about seven miles. In the freezing rain.

Of course, that's nothing like the weather in Midland, where they got a record nine inches of snow! Glad I didn't go shopping in West Texas -- that would be a really long walk home.

If you don't want to walk home in the freezing rain, after Xmas shopping, and if you want a free glimpse at you stars, identify the flag now flying from the FGS Masthead. Remember to include a note about its historical importance, and you can win yourself an "el-cheapo" report of some flavor. It's our bit from the folks at HQ to help you enjoy the holidays.

Check the journal for the winning egg nog recipe.

Aries : I would hate to think that me, as an astrologer, would pander to just a single Aries. Not a column for the whole sign, but just that one particular Aries out there having some of the trouble. Everyone else is doing okay, it's just this one. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Nothing I write has met with greater disdain. It's not a bad time, at all, it's just the act of picking up the pieces and shouldering "onward through the fog," as the old bumper sticker says. Of course, that's an Austin-only bumper sticker, but you get the idea. The rest of you will have a wonderful week.

Taurus : There's some bad news lurking on Monday and Tuesday. And some persistent health problems just don't seem to be going away fast enough. Now, if you are willing to brave the cold weather (it is winter, here in the Northern Hemisphere), there is some rather good things coming out of this mess. And if your friends start to complain about how the week starts out, or the fact that you are not available to them, tell them your astrologer suggested that they check back on the weekend because this weekend looks really good.

Gemini : Good news is on the Gemini horizon. 1] Mercury is moving in a much more positive manner, behaving itself, so to speak, and 2] the Sun is is in final stages of being in Sagittarius, which is, indeed, opposite you. What's this mean in English? Lighten up. Life is just fixing to get really good again. It was just your half birthday, and that means it was time for you figure out where you are going for the next six months. In other words, use this week to get a jump on the new year. And don't forget your Sagittarius brethren, but I don't want you to think that I'm pandaring to you guys.

Cancer : Mars and Venus are conspiring to make you a little miserable this week. It's not like the last Mercury Retrograde period didn't affect you, it's just that this Mars and Venus thing is going to set you a little on edge. Now, seeing as how you guys are lovingly referred to as "Moon Children," maybe I should make some comment about the phase of the moon this week. It's going to liven up your weekend. Maybe not in the way you think it should, but I'll promise that the outcome from the weekend is going to be rather wonderful.

Leo : The mighty Lion has some mighty strange influences this week. Not bad influences, just different influences. In fact, according to some books, you guys are going to be feeling like Virgo's this week, which is certainly a different kind of feeling, now isn't it? So, in order to make the most of this influence, I suggest that you clean out you closet. There, in the back, lurking among the dust devils, you will find a an old Xmas present that you forgot to send to your fishing buddy. What's going to happen? Mail it, as soon as possible. After all, you think of the laughs you will all enjoy when talking about holding onto a present for a year or two.

Virgo : There's a nasty little battle between the two love planets right now, that would be Venus and Mars. However, this unsettling and unstable dance misses you. So much for the good news. Unless you are dealing with a work place full of Virgo-types, like my accountant does, you guys are stuck with us. And while your week is close to being wonderful, everybody else's week is close to being bad. I can imagine you guys writing in and asking if Mercury is still retrograde. It's not, but you are still stuck with dealing with us. Just smile and tell them all, "My Fishing Guide to the Stars Astrologer says to leave me alone if you're not happy...." It is the holidays, and you've got the Spirit.

Libra : Fateful Mars is firmly in your sign. That's the good news. During this week, however, Mr. Mars and Miss Venus make difficult energy. "Good news?" I hear you ask. Yes. The unsettling love duet which more closely resembles a yelling match is over with before the week is up. Now, remember that Mars can trigger you temper, so you might want to watch that. The last time this happened to me, I was yelling at the radio in a rent car. My noise didn't correct the DJ, but I know I felt better. You might give that a try -- just to vent some of you frustrations. [I was correcting a DJ who was born after the band's first record had been released, and the DJ kept calling it the band's "first CD" -- NO! Album, released on vinyl, 12 inches in diameter, don't these kids know anything?]

Scorpio : Well, ahem, my fine Scorpio friend, ahem indeed. You've just got to be a little careful with some of your intentions this week. Just about every Scorpio I know claims to a be the "Phoenix" archetype, risen from the ashes. But as long as Mars is kicking around in Libra, you guys are going to be a little less like that particular archetype and a little more inclined to be the much-maligned Scorpion archetype. I'm not going to worry about it, and you shouldn't either. Make an effort to get in the holiday spirit of things, and I promise there will be some good rewards by the end of the week. Xmas might come a little early for you.

Sagittarius : It's the tail end of Sagittarius this week. So much for the bad news. It's still a good time to party and play; however, you will notice, that there are few people out there with less than wonderful outlooks on life this fine, holiday season. Now, the true secret to success this week is to keep on keeping on. Don't let other people, caught up in the holiday madness, get you down. Things are pretty darn good in Sag Land. You just have to realize that it isn't like this for everyone. Don't let them get you down.

Capricorn : It's going to feel like the coldest days of the year. It's going to feel like there will always be winter. It's going to feel like there just isn't a chance for any hope in the near future. And, despite this gloomy outlook, there is a lot of hope. It's almost your birthday time, coming up. Didn't some singer have song about "Jesus was a Capricorn"? And rather than embarking on philosophical discussions of theological merit, let's just realize that this is the darkest part of your year, this next week. Doesn't mean it's going to be bad, just be careful.

Aquarius : There always seems to be a lot of products called "new" and "unusual" and, of course, that much used expression, "exciting!" And that's exactly what this week is going to be. Take a lesson from the marketing people, and get ready for new, unusual, and exciting changes going on in just about every avenue of your life. In fact, the song that keeps buzzing through my head, in respect to Aquarius this week, is none other than Elvis, singing, "Here comes Santa Claus cruising down Santa Claus Lane...."

Pisces : Ever hit a speed bump, just a little too fast? Ever hear that noise like the undercarriage of the car getting ripped apart by the speed bump? Do visions of expensive repairs dance in your head at this time? The early part of the week is just like that. Now, if you just slow down for the speed bump, it ain't so bad. Besides, you've been meaning to get that muffler replaced, haven't you? The coat hanger just doesn't seem to work any more. But the rest of the week looks better.