In a message dated 9/2/98 8:05:25 PM US Eastern Standard Time, TOLTSCHIN writes:
Subj: FW: Chili anyone??? Date: 9/2/98 5:21:49 PM US Eastern Standard Time
From: stanmay@ix.netcom.com
>> Subject: Chili anyone???

>> >> > Chili Contest

>> > >> > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK:

>> > >> > "Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
>> > Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
>> > else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
>> > last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
>> > asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
>> > by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
>> > and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
>> > so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when
>> > you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."

>> > Here are the scorecards from the event:

>> > >> > Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>> > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

>> > FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
>> > from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
>> > Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

>> > >> > Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>> > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>> > seriously.

>> > FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
>> > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front
>> > of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
>> > after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that
>> > the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
>> > Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight
>> > with her.

>> > >> > Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>> > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

>> > FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
>> > !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
>> > Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
>> > could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
>> > my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends
>> > call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

>> > >> > Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic >> > >> >
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>> > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

>> > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>> > taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
>> > wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her
>> > snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

>> > >> > Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
>> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
>> > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>> > FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>> > belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
>> > contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
>> > brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
>> > from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
>> > they asked me to stop screaming.

>> > >> > Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>> > spice and peppers.
>> > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>> > garlic. Superb.

>> > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
>> > flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I
>> > asked if she wants to go dancing later.

>> > >> > Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>> > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
>> > peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
>> > Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
>> > FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
>> > I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
>> > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
>> > chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
>> > autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
>> > it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air
>> > I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
>> > people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

>> > >> > Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>> > >> > JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
>> > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
>> > fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
>> > JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
>> > all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>> > FRANK: Momma??!!