Week of: 2/9-15 Friday the 13th

Lear: By Jupiter, I swear, no.
Kent: By Juno, I swear, ay.

in Shakespeare's version of King Lear [II.iv.24-5]

Aries : The term which best applies to this week is borrowed from the world of cooking. I won't pretend to know anything about cooking, except how to find a good restaurant, but I will suggest that this week your life resembles life in a pressure cooker. Imagine one of those things which works almost like a bomb, an enclosed space set up on the stove and heated to the point where everything inside the pressure cooker is limp with hot steam. The idea of sauna or sweat lodge is much the same, but these metaphors don't have the word "pressure" in them. And that's what you are under. Lots of it. Now, I've warned you about, so don't explode.

Taurus : I was thinking about a pressure cooker to describe what Aries is going to go through this week, and that made me think of a sauna, a nice one, at a ski lodge high in the Canadian Rocky Mountains. Imagine yourself in that sauna, lots of steam superheating your body, and then you decide to go for a quick romp in the snow. It cools you off. This week, you've got to find some snow. Really, this is a good experience: the sauna has you heated to a boiling point so find some way to cool yourself off. While snow may be in short supply in some parts of the world, do something along those lines. A sudden release from this super-hot situation is imminent.

Gemini : I know you would rather be on vacation right now. In fact, may of the Gemini's I hear from seem to live in a state of perpetual vacation. But this week, concentrate some efforts on work. You have a multifaceted career plan going right now, and that is the area of your life which needs the greatest amount of you undivided attention. Undivided attention is a Gemini oxymoron, but marshal up the best of your abilities and start looking at your marketing plans for the immediate future. I would also suggest that you take one single, small step backwards, for just a moment, and do your very best to get a look at the bigger picture. Try to figure just how you fit in the grand scheme of things.

Cancer : By now, I'm sure you are familiar with this drill: careful with low-yield thermonuclear device, power bait, power saws, and other implements of destruction. Careful with BBQ grills and lighter fluid. In fact, if you decide to work on your truck this week, be prepared to scrape a few knuckles, as well. It's going to be one of those weeks when mechanical devices all form a conspiracy to plague you. And I don't want to hear about it. The good news is that you have the energy and about to overcome this modest mechanical failures in life. You might wind up walking to work, but you will feel fresh and alive when you get there. Just be careful with this exercise thing, though, no need to over do it.

Leo : Good news for Leo this week: the pejorative influences in life aren't nearly as pronounced this week, not half as bad as they have been. You still have some things that are shaking you to the core, sort of like a car in traffic which appears out of no where, and tries to cut you off. I recommend no rude hand gestures, a simple "I'm sorry" is the most expedient way of dealing with sort of intrusion in your life. Don't let the little, relatively minor events fluster you too much. Try and smooth over this minor little obstacles. This is going to be an okay week. Really.

Virgo : It's always fun to twist the tail feathers on a Virgo because it just gets them all worked up, sometimes, this is for no reason other than Virgo's are fun to get worked up. The problem this week is that it seems like everyone and their little brothers are all trying to get you tail feathers knotted up. Are you going to let them do that to you? I would hope not. If you face this week with an uncharacteristic calm, everyone else will wonder what sort of mind and mood altering drugs you are taking. Some of us might even beg for you to share this calm and serene stuff. Will you? The true secret is an inner happiness, and don't tell anyone what you are really doing.

Libra : I always try to address Libra as a partnership sign., and these partnerships are important this week. An alliance, a strategic alignment, a commitment from a potential business venture, or someone from your past who wants to make things good again is coming along. I don't have to tell you the details about consulting a lawyer and getting the real skinny on the contract, the deal, the proffered association. make sure you understand all the details before you sign on the dotted line. The deal which is coming along might be one of those where you do all the work, but only get half the credit. Your soon to be partner likes this.

Scorpio : Energy is along to help you out right now. Lots of useful energy. I don't know what else to call this. You feel like you could get by on a mere hour's worth of sleep right now. Of course, if you are a normal person, you might be inclined to get little more. I would recommend it. This extra dose of good drive is sort of like a decent cup of coffee at a truck stop. Use this little jolt in a good way, go the extra hundred miles, put in a little more time with work, polish up that hobby idea and turn it into a money-making scheme. Consider turn into a Bass Master instead of just being a weekend angler.

Sagittarius : After last week's little flare up, I hope you didn't do any irreconcilable damage. Anger can be useful, if you direct the heat right. In any case, this is a good week for lots of that "mental" type of energy. Try and think your way out of last week's situation. While this sort of activity doesn't always become a Sagittarius, in this case, and this week, it would be a good idea. Also put some thought into a some longer range plans, like something past this weekend. By the way,this is a good weekend for you to get and play some, as if you need an invitation.

Capricorn : Actually, this is a good week, There is a certain sense of foreboding that always accompanies a good Capricorn, but this week, even that sense of foreboding should be a little bit lessened. And if you still think that the other boot is about to drop, well, get over it. It's not going to happen this week. You are going to be a busy person this week, however. There is going to be a lot of activity which, to the rest of us, looks like busy work on your part. Of course, to you, this is important activities which have specific goals. You will actually get a chance, a little later this week, to achieve one of these lofty ideals you have set aside for yourself.

Aquarius : Pink Floyd has song called "money" and the tune begins with the jingle of cash register. According to my interpretation of traditional astrology, that's your theme song for the week. We all know that money won't buy love, but, according to anonymous sources, it can be rented. I'm not too fond of that scenario, and I'm sure you're not either therefore, listen to that Music of the Sphere and concentrate on the money thing again this week. Listen for the jingle of cash registers which is supposed to e money coming in, not going out, and give this love thing a pass this week. You've got better things to do.

Pisces : good news and good news for this week. There is nothing bad in the Pisces sky. Okay, so there's not much that is bad in the Pisces sky. Okay, so the week starts out on a Monday, which comes too early in the week, but other than that, there';s nothing bad in your corner of the world. Well, at least not much that is bad. In fact, the Energizer Bunny is hopping around in your corner of the world. You may experience some sleep disorders. I just hope there is all-night bowling alley in your town. You can be knocking them down all week long.

Week of: 2/2-8

"And add more coals to Cancer when he burns
With entertaining great Hyperion.
This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,
And say in thunder 'Achilles, go to him.'

-- Ulysses in Shakespeare's "Troilus and Cressida" [II.iii.206-9]

What was I thinking? Add coal to that Cancer fire? Cancer is a
water sign, and it'll create a lot of steam, if you know what I mean.

Last week, the idea was to get you to think about arcade games at the State Fair. This week, the arcade idea remains but it's more developed. This week, you're the target or the shooter. Pick one. Act like you control your destiny. Will you be the hunter or the duck? Do you have your ducks in row? Do you have a rubber ducky?

This week is like sweet and sour soup. Take a bit of bitterness and realize that it's tempered with something sweet. The outcome, in true Taurus fashion, will be good. Or one that tastes good. What would fine Asian cuisine be without a bit of a smoky brew, too? Some lovely tea to go along with this bitter-sweet week: Green tea is allegedly the best, but don't get overamped on caffeine.

Higher math comes to mind at a time like this. It sets the tone for the week. By higher math, I'm talking about Gemini entering a great theoretical arena where the software (your own gray matter) delivers heady stuff. Find the fallacy with this: 1. Nothing is better than true happiness. 2. A ham sandwich is better than nothing 3. THEREFORE: A ham sandwich is better than true happiness. You can get back to me on this one...

Work hard all week, then imitate the actions of the most ferocious house cat, the American Tabby. A busy week at work will probably make you long for a quiet weekend at home, alone if possible. You need quiet time, you say to yourself. When you least expect it (unless you are an FGS Faithful reader), a phone call at the last moment brings an invitation to a wild party. My suggestion: Get out of the trailer and get yourself over to that party. It's a good weekend for outlandish behavior to burn off the week's burden of work.

Y'all are having another week when everything you touch crumbles. Right before
your eyes. Nothing I can do about a lion in a china shop. I can warn you about it, and I can ask you not to touch my truck. Or the computer. In fact, even the mouse you're using might fall apart. Never underestimate the power of a Leo. This pattern of making things fall apart is setting the stage for remarkable transformations in the near future. But first, or so it seems, we have to clear away the debris.

Y'all are known for your wonderful critical analysis and keen mind. It's razor-sharp this week. So much for the good news. Be gentle with the rest of us. You are in a position for work-related advancement. Make a sincere and concerted effort not to tread on the toes of lesser, duller minds. Don't make us feel like the complete idiots you know we are. This isn't a good week for engaging in mental wars with other signs. Sure, you'll win, but at what price?

Have we talked about your health lately? Consider an annual check up. If you're like most Libras, consider a "check-up from the neck up" as one Texas author says. However, using my best astrological prognostical devices and some guidance from the boys in the FGS Labs, I hereby predict the doctor will tell you to reduce fats in your diet and get more exercise. Do something about your expanding waistline. Other than that, you're in excellent shape.

I think you'll like this week. A few potholes in the Road of Life cause you to swear out loud but even these little bumps don't cause your mental allignment to go out of whack. An odd bit of pea gravel in the sky suggests that you need to spend more time at home taking care of family business but other than that, get out and close some big deals.

Occasionally, something or someone comes along that really irritates you. It'll happen again this week. You've had a two-year reprieve from this, but a family member or close business associate may drop a load of doodies in your lap, and I'm guessing you won't like it. The worst part is that it was something you were supposed to look after two years ago. You may not have listened then, but I'll bet you'll listen now. If not, it'll get you in another two years.

It's a momentous week. Venus, the little planet of love and harmony, has been doing a bad number on you. This week, she starts a Swedish massage; it hurts at first but by the time it's over, you feel good. Whatever leaves you weak in the knees should leave you feeling pretty good about yourself.

So long, Age of Aquarius. As of this week, Jupiter moves on to greener pastures, to your "Solar Second House." Having Jupiter in that house means money. Lots of it. It may even fall out of the sky. Literally. Since I don't believe real people win the lottery (just aliens from outer space), do everything in your power to capitalize on this lovely time period. Get that resume back into circulation. Send that business plan to your banker. Start an offshore banking company. Any new business venture started this week has a fighting chance.

In days past, before astrologers had big planets to contend with, Pisces was ruled by a watery version of Jupiter. Now, Mr. Jupiter is back with a vengeance. On the bright side, Jupiter is the lucky star. Expect more than your fair share of good luck. You are entering into a period of time, close to a year in duration, when Jupiter will be acting upon you and making you act up. In good way. That means you'll finally get some of good things that are due to you. But be careful, this heady sense of well-being isn't all that it's cracked up to be...

Week of: 1/26-2/1

"Might well have warm'd old Saturn; that I thought her
As chaste as unsunn'd snow. O! all the devils!"
-- Posthumusin Shakespeare's "Cymberline" (II.v.12-23)

It's a another wonderful week in the Aries Neighborhood. Like any good
amusement park, there are many games to choose from. The game that pits
you against the machine is the best bet. Games of chance are out, but
there's always the long shot if you're the double-down type. What I see
in your chart this week is a chance to win at a shooting gallery, just
you against the little row of ducks that float by. A less scrupulous
operator will skew the sights so aim high or low, or just a little to
the left.

Despite dire warnings of other astrologers, seers, visionaries and scam
artists, this isn't a bad week for you. Perhaps you disagree, arguing
that hair loss and psoriasis the last three weeks has made you crankier
than Dennis Rodman not getting a hair appointment, but funny
astrological events are fixin' to tickle you. Maybe not make you break
out in huge guffaws of laughter, but a nice little tickle from time to
time doesn't hurt. And this comes at a good time for you. Like an
extra-long coffee break at a truckstop where the coffee is particularly
good and strong, this is your week.

You have a brilliant opportunity to make great strides in your
professional life. Any day now. Yep, we're all waiting. I've been
suggesting work as an outlet for you to plug into, but now you should
really consider it. Few obstacles stand in your way as you chart your
course through this murky lake of work, but there are indications along
the way that this is the right route. Navigational buoys lie dead ahead,
so don't run over them with an over-zealous attitude. Work, as a
concept, can be overrated.

We need a chorus, a simple song-and-dance ritual which drives away the
Monday Morning Blues. The old expression, "You can't sing the blues
until you've lived the blues" is how your week starts out. But this
changes just about as fast as the moon changes signs. Long about the
mid-week, things start happening at a frantic rate. I was using the word
"frantic" and trying to come up with something that rhymes with it, but
the closest I could get was "manic." It's an apt word for the rest of
the week, but it doesn't rhyme. But you get the picture, I hope.

When the going gets tough, Leos band together and throw a party. It's a
nice idea, but I doubt it will work this week. You have my apologies for
bringing it up. This is the beginning of a time called the
"half-birthday," and it means it's a good time for you if you don't do
too much. Pick one work-related project, one to-do item, and tackle it.
Don't try too much. Am I making myself clear? Actually, a party isn't a
bad idea, after all. One group of invites, if you know what I mean.

Well, well. Well. Deep topic, these wells. You face unsettling
oppositions this week. Ponder your actions before engaging.
Astrologically, you're out of shape this week. There's a road sign up
ahead: Speed bumps next 50 miles. Rather than speeding through the
Parking Lot of Life, try slowing down for the big bumps; they're called
speed bumps for a reason. Make sure you have good clearance; losing a
muffler because you don't want to miss the first five minutes of
"Melrose Place" would really, really suck.

Wedding bells are ringing, literally, metaphorically, or allegorically.
It ndoesn't much matter. This can be good news because it means a
partnership is coming together. In a good way. Finally. After what
you've been through, and all the abuse I've heaped on Libra, not too
mention what the stars have done, you ought to be feeling much better
about yourself. Time for a change. A positive change. Of course, most
Libra's tend to look a the upside of things anyway, but this is a good
one. It's going to be a good week, and starts about Wednesday.

Make money this week. I don't care how you do it. Beg, borrow, steal, or
try the old fashioned way, earn it. You are in a major mode for making
some majorly monstrous amounts of mojo money. Do something with this
beneficial energy. Don't sit there. As much as you want to take a
lighter attitude, this isn't the time. Be serious. Watch your sarcastic
comments. This isn't a week for letting your mouth get you in trouble.

While perusing your chart, I noticed that Pluto moves ten minutes this
week. That's ten minutes in astrological terms, and it might seem like
an eternity to you. It's going to be long and weird week, simply put. By
the end of the week, you might be frantically gathering odd pieces of
paper for your accountant. The weird part: You might be doing all of
that while wearing a bear costume. Or wearing shoes four sizes too big
(this is all metaphorical, of course). Look back on last year, reflect
on big changes you've made, and start looking forward to this year
because you are at the tail-end of a good cycle. Get your year-end stuff
in order this weekend. And don't forget to have the bear costume
drycleaned before you return it.

Some long-sought and blessed relief materializes in your little corner
of the sky. It's time for a major event that astrologers get all
a-titter over. Neptune is departing momentarily for Aquarius. That
means that dreams, illusions, ideals and other problematic areas will
turn into realities. Not bad realities, just huge metaphorical weights
lifted off your shoulders. Or real, tangible weights. Whatever. Your
personal fog has lifted. Enjoy the new day because each day, starting
this week, will be more fun than it has for a long, long time.

Slowly and stealthily, Mr. Neptune creeps into your sign. And slowly and
creepily, Mr. Neptune will sneak up behind you and let your water out.
It's going to be an interesting few years. Starts this week. The good
news is that the persistent gnawing you've felt on your psyche the last
few years is finally revealed. Whatever the surprise, it's calmly
waiting for you behind Door Number Three. Enjoy the ride.

Mars is riding a monster truck through your sign right now. From the
vantage point here, it looks like Truckasaurus. You see, Mars can bring
a lot of activity, like a night out at the truck pull. It can also
really, really irritate you, too, like a night out at the truck pull.
It's like everyone has this attitude thing, from the drivers to the
concession stand people to the security guards on down, and no on wants
to lend a hand. They just laugh at your obvious ineptitude. I know
you're not inept, but you sure feel that way. Don't let Mars and Cars
create too many problems.

"I wonder that thou, being, as thou sayest thou art, born under
Saturn, goest about to apply a moral medicine to a mortifying mischief."
-- Don John in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" [I.iii.7-8]

A slow, inexorable march of time seems to work on you like a mysterious
fishing hook. You bait the hook, toss your line out, and then that dang
ol' fish steals the bait. You reel your line back in, empty. Every time.
Whatever. I suggest that you think smaller and more like that little
larcenous critter. Use a smaller hook. Fish smarter, not harder.

Everyone is having a tough time the way it looks to you. When you
compare your insides to their outsides, things, metaphorically, look
pretty good. Of course, comparisons to other peoples' plights isn't
always the best way to determine what's happening. Weather forecasters
know this all too well. You feel like you are all dressed up but nowhere
to go. That's more real than anything. Start looking for fun this
weekend. Preferably in the sunshine.

Once upon a time, I had a very special Gemini flame in Texas. A Gemini
gem. She's gone now, having decided to join the rodeo circuit, but I
think about her from time to time. Chances are, she's thinking about me
this week. A lot. It's something all Geminis are doing this week,
drifting back in their minds and thinking about old relationships, old
flames, and what might have been (but ain't anymore). Rather than wax
despondent, Gemini, try taking action. Get out of the house. Look for
adventure. It will find you if you're ready. While you're at it, you
might pick up the phone.

Occasionally, there are days and weeks in the life of the Crab when
nothing goes your way. It looks like this is one of those weeks. I can
make one simple recommendation: escape. You need to be near the water
this week, to absorb the calming influence of the waves gently lapping
at the shore, the boat gently rocking on the surface, the rosy glow of
the sunset. In short, a vacation. See what you can do about it. Walk
into that travel agent's office and sigh wearily, "Bubba sent me..."

Stop howling for a minute and we'll get something done. Yes, you're
facing some frustrating problems. Since I work like an astrological
tech-support line, it's time to do something about this, right? So, fax
me with your complaints at (512)445-2850 but remember: As a medium, fax
paper disintegrates quickly. Like that fax paper, your problems will
fall apart quickly.

Good news, bad news this week. The good news: You will be uplifted soon.
The bad news: It comes in the form of Mars being opposite you. As Mars
moves into mysterious Pisces, you're accelerated to a speed close to
that of sound. Close, but not quite, so don't worry about sonic booms.
Too bad because with Mars doing this number, some of us will wish we
could outrun your mouth. Be careful you don't engage the mouth before
your brain is in gear.

A lingering feeling of affection is floating through your quadrant of
the sky. An event left over from the past, like a leftover pizza, needs
attention. With proper handling and a minute in the microwave, old pizza
can look good. The same is true for this other event. A few minutes'
attention to seemingly minor details will make everything alright. And
that lingering feeling of affection? It's time to reach out and grab
someone's butt. In a nice way, mind you.

Look on the bright side: It will be over soon. Just when you think that
this is the week which will never, ever end, suddenly the weekend will
be here and you can sleep. A lot. Rest up; you'll need it. As the old
saying goes, "You're not out of the woods yet." As my addendum to that
saying goes, you're almost there. As long as we're using cliches to
describe this week, let's talk about the proverbial light at the end of
the tunnel. No, it's not an oncoming train. Check to make sure it's not
a car.

Things on Planet Sagittarius have been so good for so long that that I
really hate to warn you about what's approaching. A volcanologist knows
to look for small fissures growing in the rocks as the portent to a
giant volcano spewing hot, burning, molten lava. This week, it looks
like a thin vent of steam, just the barest of cracks in the bedrock of
your life, shows up. Best be careful because this vent will crack open
into a giant and raging torrent of hot
material. Look on the bright side as you always do: This is going to
build a new mountain.

While world peace and harmony are lovely ideals on a global scale, they
don't fit into the agenda of the military-industrial complex, which
really runs the world (besides Bill Gates). While I don't necessarily
condone acts of defiance or rebel behavior of any sort -- not like I
used to -- it's a good week to take one last stab at a windmill. Maybe
Cervantes and Don Quixote were right. Maybe some mercurial and quixotic
actions at a local level is the right idea. Perhaps it's a good week to
make a statement through action or civil disobedience. This could also
be a passing moment, too, and next week, you'll feel differently.

Welcome to the Age of Aquarius. Ever since the 1960s, every astrologer
has bounced along and hummed that tune. I think the Age of Aquarius is
every year at this time. Mars is moving into your House of Making Money
and with this, you get an added boost. That's good news, I hope. So get
out and do your best. The time is right for a business decision that
will net you a tidy profit in the coming months.

Activity is featured as a prominent motivator. To exacerbate this, Mars
is joining you in your sun sign. Mr. Mars has good and bad sides. Watch
the driving. Your ability to steer a boat and navigate rough seas is
suspect. Think Joseph Hazelwood. Actually, it's not your own personal
navigation skills, it's everyone else. Think Joseph Hazelwood. So watch
out for the other guy.

Week of: 1/12-18

"Madam, though Venus govern your desires,
Saturn is dominator over mine."
-- Aaron in Shakespeare's "Titus Andronicus" [II.iii.30-31]

Business is trending well this week as events rise from bad to good. No one likes Mondays, and your backside has been dragging lately. Your computer keyboard is calling you and a long line of figures needs to be attacked. You just don't have the energy to get after it. Things aren't much better Tuesday. By mid-week, you're ready to conquer your to-do list of the past two days. Such prognostications are not always exact, but it looks good.

I researched your current situation in several astrology text books but most focused on romance, love and feeling good. Somehow, I think traditional astrology doesn't account for the negative effect of your little ruling planet, Venus, which is doing a backward tango this month. Despite the "theoretical" positive effect of Venus being in Capricorn, I wonder if things are really that good.... Watch out for minor mishaps with the significant other; if you don't have a significant other, watch out for minor mishaps with an insignificant other.

"Keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel," as the old song goes. You're prone to sudden outbursts and other irrational behaviors this week. I call this a creative force at work within the "Gemini Universe" of which you're the center. There's a chance this stuff blows up in your face, but then, chances are that this irrational behavior actually leads to a major breakthrough in communicatios. The downside is that your friends will not understand any of this. Just tell them that I said it was "all OK."

The World According to Cardinal Water Signs (that would be Cancer) is off to a good start. In fact, it's a good week all the way around. While a few disturbances ripple your particular personal pond, I don't forsee big waves disturbing your emotional equilibrium. So when someone starts recommending medication, think twice. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you need psychotropic chemicals to achieve emotional balance this week.

Leo is definitely the sign of the artist. Too bad because this week, you feel like the angst-driven, half-mad artist type. You have the best of creative ideas but like writer's block or a creative impasse, you can't seem to get it all on paper. Or whatever you particular medium is. The ideas are there but the juices aren't flowing. Like a stopped-up toilet, everything sort of stinks. Now, in an effort to help, let me suggest a plumber's friend: the plunger. This might work really well if you consider this on an allegorical level rather than the real thing. Do something to get yourself unplugged.

Virgo : Romance is a-waiting in the wings for you. There is something
fresh, something new, something almost "other-worldly" preening itself,
and making sure that not a hair is out of place, and this new romantic
entanglement is on the sidelines of life, waiting for the big game. Now,
what does that mean? It means that there is a fresh romantic ideal just
about to be realized. Don't hurry a good thing. In fact, don't rush
this one at all. It will be here when it's here, and not until then.
Just be a assured that there is something coming along soon enough.

If I were to graph this week it would it would start high, then drop at mid-week to a low point and by the weekend end high. Just like the Dow Jones. Up early, sagging at the middle and closing up. The cause? The Moon. By the time the Moon hits Libra this weekend, you'll be fine, and that old Libra equilibrium will be back in place. Justice for all, and for all a good time.

I'm forced to dip into New Age Speak to explain this week: Learn about yourself. I'm not advocating isolationism, but it isn't a bad idea. It's a golden opportunity to entertain yourself with what you call your mind. Use it or lose it. It's a good time to get in touch with what we in Texas call your inner Bubba. This process usually involves chicken-fried steak, BBQ and iced tea.

You are a Fire sign. This means you often burn with an artist's creative fervor and zeal. That burning sensation -- hopefully not that burning smell -- is demanding that you do something creative. That doesn't mean you have to write
or draw or paint, but even working on the old truck can be a form of an
inspired artistic endeavor. Making my truck run would take a small miracle, but it's a week for miracles. Get ready for one be an active part of the process.

In some cultures, dream time is considered reality. The Western ideal of reality is considered a waking dream. This sort of confusion will by followed by some peace, which comes this weekend. The rules for the week are simple: dream but be prepared to have an illusion or two shattered. The weekend is a different kind of dream time; watch out for compulsive behaviors like golf, ice fishing and excessive couch potato sports.

This week is marked by erratic changes in your energy level. Your willpower is strong, and your ability to make dreams into reality is equally strong. The only problem is that there isn't enough of you to go around. How to be in two places at once? Can't be done unless science comes up with a miracle cloning device. Figure out how to separate goals and work on them. Concentrate your focus, even though you really want to stand back and just look at the big picture.

Romance gets a bump on the head this week. Maybe it'll feel more like a sharp poke with a big a stick, but it's just little tap. Some people would refer to this bump on the head as reality but being a good Pisces, you know that reality has nothing to do with you. Problem areas for you include romance, but then, I could always safely say that romance is always a problem. Just be prepared to
assess a romantic situation more thoroughly once the fog from the head injury lifts.

Week of: 1/5-11

"Ha! Publius, Publius, what hast thou done?
See, see! thou hast shot off one of Taurus' horns."
-- Titus in Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus [IV.iii.69-70]

A rousing good start to the week makes you feel confident enough that
you could start the new year on the craps tables in Vegas. But I tell
you whut: You encounter problems; namely, other people. If you were
alone, you'd be fine. Every time you turn around, another obstacle, i.e,
goon, is in your way. Despite this, you're rather happy most of the
week; nothing is worse, as far as other people are concerned, than you
being cheerful. Makes them wonder what you are up to.

The week starts out very, very slow. But along about Tuesday, maybe
Wednesday, things pick up. There's this recurrent theme of romance
running through your head. Like a bad tee-vee theme song you can't get
out of your head, this romantic theme continues all week. You find
yourself longing for something that you can't quite put your finger on,
a different type of interlude in the romance department. The answer is
that here are no real answers this week.

There are weeks when it is downright GOOD to a be a Gemini. This is one
of them. You've a tremendous amount of energy, and you can reach any two
or three of the thousands of goals that you've set for yourself. Driving
this is a major celestial pile-up of planets in Aquarius. This means
that nothing but beneficial change is blowing in the stellar wind right
now. Let go of old ideas, like the notion that the old boat is still
going to be useful for fishing. Plan on updating a your equipment this
week. It's time to consider new tools for work, too.

Investment plans? Have you ever looked at long-range forecasts for your
financial future? I'll not make any prognostications about the volatile
marketplace; however, it's a good week to review your long-term cash
goals. Sure, it's the new year, and sure, things are still stuck in the
bleakest of winter conditions, but it's a good time to look at risky
investments. It's a good time for you to sit down with your spouse,
significant other, or your cat, to talk about getting rich. Money won't
buy happiness, but it might rent it for awhile.

Leo brothers and sisters, let us turn our undivided Leo attention to
obstacles. You have many. Some appear insurmountable. It's hardly the
case. Pick mone
project or venture and attack it. Like a lion. Clean off your desk with
one swipe of your paw. As the work piles up, just tell them you'll get
to it in due course.

Bundle up against the winter cold (unless you live where cold means
putting on long pants instead of shorts). Even then, consider adding an
extra wrap for yourself. Just to be sure. The weather is weird, to say
the least. Double your vitamin intake this week, too, because you can
never be too careful. It's a good time to worry incessantly about your
health. I'll skip the usual warnings about impending romance. Look for
more information about romantic entanglements next week.

The idea of work seems to unsettle your normally happy stomach. A little
voice in your head says, "Take the day off." What it really means is
"take the week
off" which is a fine idea if you ask me. While concerned with the finer
things in life, mundane details need attending in your ER of life. Try,
you can, to stay focused on work because a supervisor or someone "up
there" is watching. Now that you know this, shine on you crazy diamond.

You are known for your intense stare, uncompromising attitude and
rock-solid, steadfast world view. Lighten up. Your attitudes need an
overhaul. Like the prison warden in "Cool Hand Luke" says, "You can make
this easy or you can make this hard." The more you resist apparent
changes, the worse it gets. A bad situation heading into oblivion is not
the greatest recipe for world domination, which is your overall plan.
Gracefully accept changes in your life. The boys in the FGS Lab tell me
that you have much movement happening, some of it local, perhaps foreign
(whatever that means to you) so be prepared. None of these changes have
to be painful, but resistance is futile.

Yes. That was the answer to your Magic Eight-Ball question. I'm
confident enough to suggest that the answer is positive. Remember that
you are an Archer, and the Archer always shoots straight. This is good
and bad; your normally glib tongue may be getting you in trouble if
you're not cautious. I'm not suggesting that you can talk your way into
and out of trouble this week, but that wouldn't surprise me. It's a good
week for work with new challenges, and I mean that in a well-meaning

I know you don't care about the particulars, but Venus is retrograde in
your sign. Venus is the love planet so put any romance on call waiting
this week. ON the bright side, you could make a killing in the stock
market, the marketplace, the job, wherever it is that you earn your
keep. That area of your life is full of energy and vitality. So keep
things on the up and up. The more time you invest in making money, the
better off you are. Don't fret about romance either, because the planets
will straighten that out soon enough.

The world is your slimy, chemically enhanced, bottom-dwelling, bivalve
mollusk. In other words, look for the pearl inside because you're one of
the lucky ones this week, with just about everything in the heavens
aligning to give you a shot at the world being a better place. Further
translation: This is a good thing. No matter how you approach this week,
you are bound to find that pearl. The only problem is a result from
minor negative influence in the love department, but the typical
Aquarius isn't too hung up on love anyway, so this won't affect you

"Cocoon: n. Any cover used to waterproof or protect something, esp.
military equipment for transport or storage." It's a good week to cover
your tank. Order out pizza or Chinese. Don't bother to venture forth
unto the cold, cruel world. It's not a pretty sight out there. If you
heed this advice, know that I'm saving you from all kinds of personal
troubles, too. Call me Cap'n Savior. The outside world is no fun this
week, but your internal life, the life you lead in the quiet confines of
your personal barracks, is good.

Week of: Dec. 29-Jan. 4

"Fortunate mistress,--let my prophecy
Come home to ye!"
-- Camillo in Shakespeare's Winter's Tale [IV.iv.661-2]

While the New Year always brings out the major-transformation mode in everyone, you have serious changes occurring. New ideas, new projects, new things to start. Be glad that you are an Aries, too, because now is a good time for a strong start. In fact, jump-start the year by beginning your annual "year in review" ahead of time. Don't delay this quick overview and assessment.

Your romantic life is under attack. Rather than panic, make considerations about what you want out of the New Year. You have a chance to effect healthy doses of change in the romance department. Take charge of your life. Romantic involvements have the biggest tractor pull on your heart. Don't wait for things to pass by you. You are in one of those "seize the moment" weeks, and the more grabbing you do, the better. I wouldn't recommend, though, that you do this on the subway train.

The year's end means it's time for a fiscal look at yourself. While everyone else is worried about the beginning of the new year, you need to finish wrapping up the old one first. Get that stuff off to your accountant as soon as you can. The sooner that business details taken care of, the sooner you get to play. This is one of those weeks when work comes first. Priorities. Stat!

The big deal is New Year's Eve: You are stuck with cleaning up the mess. I'll warn you now about having a party at your place, but you probably won't listen. Be careful about overdoing it this time because even though you are in the party mode, it's not in your best interest. You have loose details that require atteo
This is one of those times that you've been warned about, and do you listen? A good Leo never listens to advice from a sage astrologer. However, a good Leo will make the most of this week. Enjoy the festivities of the New Year but be prepared for unsettling (and possibly upsetting) changes in your schedule. No matter your plans, they'll probably change. Not much you can do about that. Be willing to accept life's stones turning up in your sandals.

I'm not a doctor, nor do I plan to be one. But a doctor could play a big role in your week. It looks like a simple ailment, but you probably have the symptoms blown out of proportion, as you are famous for doing. Rather than worry, continue with the new romance you have recently found for yourself. The other person cares just as much for you whether you think you're sick or not, and that's a big plus.

Two things are putting you in the Tractor Pull Arena: Number one is romance. You aren't called a "loving Libra" for no reason. Number two is a pressing amount of work, probably a new project, and it desperately demands your attention. The best idea is to clone yourself, then you could attract both concepts with equal vigor. Alas, modern science hasn't gotten that far, so you're stuck. But you get the idea. You can't be in two places at
once, so marshal your energy as best you can.

It's a good week to nestle under the covers with your most important significant other, and then warm each other up. There's no other way to politely put this. Your energy is quite high. Use it or lose it. It's important to distinguish between "love" and "lust" but not to extinguish them in any sense of the word. In other areas of your life, the transitions into the new year might not smooth, but that's up to you.

You have romance on the brain, but the driving force should be business and money. Commerce can be surprisingly brisk. It's up to you to take advantage of this brisk surge in trade and do something with it. You should take every business opportunity which presents itself to you. It's a good week for laying a solid foundation for the coming year. Romance figures in this week, too, but strive to keep your focus on what's really important: The romance of money.

As Fate would have it, this arbitrary shift in the calendar is a good time for a fresh beginning. The past holiday season has been rough, and now's the time to focus on plans for the coming year. It's an important week for getting a fresh start on future events. Beware of scams, but pay close attention to scheming. There is a difference, and you know what to do about it.

A lot is happening in your world. Business is booming and your personal building is great. To complicate matters, an old romance, or maybe a new one, is demanding a lot of attention. Between these areas of your life, however, you need to make a strong distinction. This is work, over here, and that is love, over there. If the line between the two erodes, you might end up in a lot of trouble.

New Year's is supposedly a time to asses what works in your life and what doesn't. Be prepared, shortly after the first, to let go of old ideas, projects, friends, and lovers no longer useful. While this might appear to a be painful thing, it isn't. You have new opportunities to expand in the coming year, and now is the time to lay a solid foundation for this expansion.

Week of: December 22-28

"Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit grows melancholy?"
Armando in Shakespeare's Love's Labor's Lost (Act I, scene ii)

Aries : Sweet relief! Isn't it nice to get on the far side of the holidays? Oops! Not there yet? Well, here's to hoping that you do make it.... and Mercury is going to turn around and supercharge a few of your recent activities. On the plus side, there's a special package waiting for you, and I don't mean an Xmas present per se, but a deal which needs some good news, and this is the week that you receive this (belated) good news.

Taurus : By now, you will have seen the Nutcracker Suite in one of its various forms. Fairy tales are good for a week like this because you need all the help you can get. For the last few days, that heroic rush right up to Xmas Eve, I'd take it easy. Old Mercury is standing still in Sagittarius, and that means it will effect you, one way or another. With your own ruler Venus making a square to you, perhaps some egg nog will help alleviate the frustrations brought on by this season. Make that egg nog laced with a powerful spirit, if youknow what I mean.

Gemini : This is not a happy time for you, due to the perturbations in the orbit of Mercury. Actually, Mercury is orbiting just fine, it's the rest of the people down here on the planet that are feeling the negative effect of the little Messenger of the Gods. What to do about it? Nothing. Review that Xmas list of folks you were going to buy stuff for. Head down to a pawn shop or thrift store with the list and score some good junk. Makes life ever so much easier, now doesn't it? Besides, that kind of store, like a good second hand book shop, is ever so much more fun.

Cancer : It's that time of year, when I always remind my Cancer friends not to forget the Xmas packages on the way to the airport. Nothing like having a Bubba show up bereft of loot for the little ones, now is there? So where will it be this Xmas? The Caribbean? That sounds nice, but I always tend towards the West Coast for Xmas cheer. Just be careful of monsoons, if you know what I mean. Remember, Cancers (or Cancer in their chart) means they love to be by the water....

Leo : If it's not one thing, then it's another. I would worry about a mutating shape under the old Xmas tree right now. It's as if someone got you a puppy (named Demolition, c.f., Robert Rankin), and left it in box under the tree. The problem is, that little puppy needs to have it's litter box emptied from time to time. Hence the growing shape under the tree. Maybe it's not a puppy, but there is something strangely amiss with one of the packages you receive this year. Exercise (exorcise?) caution with opening unclaimed freight.

Virgo : I learned this word from an old Virgo girlfriend, and the word is "loot." That's what it looks like you wind up with this year. Be a nice Virgo, and make sure you send out lots of "thank you" notes, too, because that's what we all expect from you right now. Of course, some of this proffered "loot" might not really be something that you can use, but here at FGS World headquarters, we are sure that you will hang on to it all, and put it to some good use.

Libra : Loving Libra, that's you this week, through and through. Things just keep looking up and up for you. In the British Holiday calendar, the real Xmas day comes on the 26th, and it's called "Boxing Day." Guess what? Your real Xmas comes on the 26th, as well, but it should be called Libra Day, not Boxing Day. In any event, or location, you should enjoy this week very much. Be the usual, loving and attentive Libra that you are.

Scorpio : Okay, Scorpio friends, work with me this week. The week starts out great, but you have to go into hiding a day or two before Xmas because you've got one too many projects which you just haven't gotten around to yet. And you desperately need to finish some things. Quickly. However, as the week draws to a close, you will notice that there are subtle changes occurring in you and around you, and life is getting better. The holidays weren't the big deal you thought they would be.

Sagittarius : I usually save this expression for the other fire signs because a decent Sagittarius never needs to be prompted in this direction. But with the recent turn of events, you might need a little poking to get yourself in motion. Try this expression out, and see if you can make it work this week: "Party on, dude." I know it sounds rather puerile, but then, aren't most Sagittarius just a little childish at times? Personally, I wouldn't know.

Capricorn : Happy birthday to those Cappy's out there who always feel a little left out. No one ever seems to remember that their birthday and Xmas come around the same time. Sorry about that, don't you just hate getting those presents which are dual purpose, like a reversible jacket, one side for your birthday and one side for Xmas? (If you do get a fishing and hunting vest like this, though, and don't want it, let me know, I might make you an offer....)

Aquarius : It's not like you haven't been supercharged all year. And it's not like you haven't been running along at top speed all year, either. And it's not like you don't feel a little worn out from all of this, too. Just when you thought it was safe to relax a little, you get a really huge strike. That's what this week is like. You've got a 40 pound fish on light weight gear, and you are fighting for your life. It's either you are the fish! Who will win? Me? I'd bet on the Aquarius this week.

Pisces : The week draws to a close with a new moon, and this is going to help put everything in perspective for you. We're going at this backwards because, well, you're a Pisces, you understand. That upcoming New Moon is a time for some changes. You know, that date you had prearranged for New Year's? Bet there is a last minute hitch. It's okay, there's always me, or a stand in for me. You know I'll be there for you.

Week of: December 8-14

"They would not have you to stir forth today.
Plucking the entrails from an offering forth,
They could not find a heart within the beast."

Servant to Caesar, in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, II.ii.37-39

Saturn station means heavy weather, and Merc, as well as Venus are retrograde.

Subject: (1) Kramer Dec. 8-14

Week of: Dec. 8-14

Small and relatively insignificant planets are back-tracking right now.
Does this effect you? Only in your ability to communicate your ideas.
Bet you have a fishing partner who doesn't get it right now, and I have
no idea what the antecedent to "it" is. Perhaps that ain't very
college-educated of me, but that's your news for the week. Don't worry
about whatever "it" is that "they" aren't "getting," because it's not a
fight worth fishing through.

The palpitations are increasing. You can feel it in your bones: It's
that time of the year, and despite all the negative influences like
Santa and his Elvises (imagine a bunch of guys running around in that
wonderful Las Vegas suit) are preparing for the mighty holiday
celebration. It doesn't matter what tradition you subscribe to because
you have the spirit of the season. Don't worry about little retrograde

It's X-mas in Texas. You feel like you usually do when Mercury is doing
its tailspin: upside down, and no one understands. But I do, my dear
Gemini friend, I do. Marshall your thoughts and prepare for surprises.
The weather is a good metaphor: rain, sleet, even snow in Texas, and
then a beautiful day when you ought to wear shorts. Be prepared for any
kind of condition.

I know, I know, I'm always mean to Cancers. This wouldn't have anything
to do with a particular Bubba who refuses to help spring for the next
bass boat, either. This week, Mercury and Mars are gunning for you, not
me. Watch yourself. Cars and communications are difficult areas. The
good news is that romance is still solid as long as it doesn't involve
cars or communication.

Things not too hot? Wish I could warm up that passionate Leo heart of
yours. Find a nice, big ol' fireplace and park yourself in front.
Methinks it's the plan for the holidays. Get a catalog and order up some
last-minute gifts, if that's something that you need to do. Don't bother
trying to get out of the house right now, either. Just take a day off,
and rest up some for the parties.

I love times like this for the Virgo in you. Mercury is retrograde, and
you are doing a number of good things, but the problem is, as it always
is at this time, is that you are under-appreciated. Wish I could show
you more appreciation but alas, noper! The best I can do here at FGS
World Headquarters is report that the planets really aren't hitting you
THAT hard. Looking at the bright side, I'm sure that -- being a good
Virgo -- you have all your X-mas shopping done.

While everyone is in a tizzy because of the planets, you are obnoxiously
in the holiday spirit. Why? It's because those dang ol' feminist
asteroids hanging out in your sign this week. On the other hand, Juno
brings love and romance, negating some of the negative effects of Mean
Mr. Mercury. Enjoy the good times. Maybe you could lend a helping hand
to other, less fortunate, signs.

That dang ol' Mars is making times difficult for you. However, Mercury
will drive by in the truck, gun rack firmly in place, to make Mars git
along so you won't be AS troubled by the little one. Really. So much for
the lighthearted stuff. Scorpio's never for the fluff. Here's the dirt:
Interesting things are afoot on under the X-mas tree. Not unlike a
B-movie, the plot revolves around a package under there that is
rattling, growing and mutating. Only a Scorpio can save us now. Be

Isn't that just excellent? Mercury barrels back into your sign this
week to exacerbate a few problems with itching and flaking. Perhaps you
need help with exorcising a few demons from your past? Don't get too
exhilarated at this notion, however. There is an exigency about the
week, brought on by Mercury, and you need to be aware of it. Avoid
alliterative astrologers this week.

One problem with modern society -- other than drivers who don't signal a
lane change -- is that the word "bad" has come to mean many things. Bad
means good except when it refers to Michael Jackson, and he was the one
who started the whole mess. You may discover this week that your bad
side wants you to come out and play. Here's a holiday tip: coal can be
compressed and made into a diamond-like substance. In fact, it is a
diamond. So, tell your lucky gift recipients that the coal in their
stockings is merely a starter kit.

Despite the obnoxious movements of some planets (that would be Mercury),
there is hope for the mighty Aquarius. You have a chance to do good this
week. It comes in the form of Venus, which makes herself very much at
home in your sign. This brings joy to an otherwise Dickens-like
existence. Cheer up. Things are improving with Venus because Mars is
right behind...

While other signs are carping about mechanical failure, equipment
malfunctions, computers that don't work, airplanes that won't fly, and
schedules that aren't followed, you go merrily along on your way. If you
don't, then just act like you do. You have no reason to complain this
week. Other signs? Sure, but you? I don't think so. The charts look
too good.

So don't delay act now supplies are running out
Allow, if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer is shun you might as well be walking on the sun

"Walkin' on the sun" by Smash mouth (BMI), 1997.

Kramer, 12/1-7

Talk about a holiday drag... Let me tell you this: The holiday season
is off to a slow start. This week, make a list of gift recipients. Write
it down somewhere, preferably on an electrical device, then prepare to
forget everyone's name. X-mas works that way, you know. Times are tough
all over, but you are feeling
it in the worst way.

Higher education is a much-appreciated thing. I know. I'm a Notary
Public-example of something truly scary in the world: A Texan with a
degree. Problem is, my degree is pretty useless, being in English
and all. YOU try getting a real job when your expertise is "Hidden
Shakespearean meanings Within Gilligan's Island Plot Lines." Why all the
commotion about Liberal Arts? Because this is when you think about the
Spring Semester, but you haven't finished up the fall semester exams
yet. Now that Mercury is slowing down to a dead crawl this week, you
feel the same way.

The good news is that Mercury is slowing down in another sign, one that
won't affect you drastically. At least not for a while. So, tie up loose
ends that are fit to be tied. Get your minnow bucket in order, so to
speak. Get your tackle box in order, so to speak. Work on the boat's
motor in real life. Then, sit down. Starting on Sunday, your world is
plunged into darkness, like someone cut off the main circuit breaker.
Make sure the flashlight has fresh batteries.

I've warned you about this before, but allow me the pleasure again: This
week, you feel like Mercury has already gone retrograde and that Rush
Limbaugh is sitting on your head. Yep, it's that heavy. It's not just
you, but relationship issues keep appearing up like bad crop circles
that look suspiciously like astrological signs. Or signs from an artist
who used to be known as Prince.

I know you are approaching the holidays with fear and loathing. I don't
blame you. Just when you thought it would be a wide-open party season,
things change drastically. Let me tell you a story: There once was a
feller in West Texas who used to fish below the dam at one of the
reservoirs. He only caught three fish there, but the last one was a
record-breaking catch: a 50-pound striper. That's a lot of fish. You can
do the same thing, too, just remember: It's quantity, not quality this

We all know that Virgos get accused of being rather attentive to details
in a somewhat sick and perverted way. With the impending doom of Mercury
going retrograde, especially in a Dirt Sign (Capricorn) for starters,
that means you have extra cleaning duties this week. Real or not, you
still have a stable output to deal with.

"He's making his list and he's checking it twice, he's seeing who's been
naughty, like biting people in hotel rooms, and who's been nice." That,
of course, is the Marv Albert version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town
(And Charging You with Assault)." Pay attention to the idea of checking
your list twice. If you are doing any mail-order gift-buying, for
instance, hair weaves, do it now because the poor ol' delivery persons
(bless their souls), are will be frantic next week. Be prepared by
taking action early. Remember, this is a just friendly FGS-style

As much as the other signs are coming unglued by the cosmic stuff that
holds everything together, you feel fine. The impending-doom Mercury
Retrograde doesn't bother you. Or it shouldn't. You should have plans
ready for the holidays. Your holiday looks good. Too bad we can't say
the same thing for everyone else.

Things have been going along swimmingly for so long that the little bump
in the road you run over this week is nothing more than that: just a
speed bump in the parking lot of life. Don't worry about it much, given
that you're a Sagittarius, you won't, will you?

Like Spock who's inhaled WAY too much patchouli, the love planets are
beaming you waves of love energy right now. The bad news is that the
little evil one, who really isn't a bad guy, makes a hasty and somewhat
unwelcome entrance into your sign. The number one comment from
Capricorns this week will be: "What's all the fuss about?" Wait until
next week, and then you'll understand.

I've got good news, and I've got good news. Everyone thinks the world
sucks right now, but not you! Oh, no! You have nothing to worry about
because Mercury is concerned with details, and that's one thing you're
not worried about. To heck with details, just get out and fish. If you
show up at the wrong lake for a tournament, don't worry -- you'll do
fine wherever you are.

To formulate prognostications for most signs, I use astrological charts
and a musty old book called an "ephemeris." For Pisces, I eviscerate a
chicken in the backyard. Works every time, too, at least, that's
what I've been told. Nothing to panic about, just a lull in Piscean
activity. Trout is a good bait to use this week, especially for chasing
really big fish.

Week of: November 24-30

"It means you're either dead or you're mature adult and there may not be as much difference bewteen the two lifestyles as many people think." (Roadkill by Kinky Friedman, NY: Simon & Shuster, 1997)

I'm was just wrapping up yet another of Kinky Friedman's great novels, this one is called "Roadkill," and I was doing my best to be in the same frame of mind as the great country song writer and singer turned novelist by smoking a cigar. Not any cigar mind you, but a special A. Fuente "Hemingway." Hey, Kinky is a great writer and he deserves a cigar named for another great writer. Of course, I wonder when the estimable and prolific Mr. Friedman will have his own brand of cigars.

If you're looking for that FGS brand of special cigar, try www.bobalucirgarco.com and see what they can whip up for you.

Youth of delight come hither:
And see the opening morn,
Image of truth new born.

(William Blake, "The Voice of the Ancient Bard" line 1-3)

Blake's Birthday was 11/28/1757.

Since I share Bill Blakes birthhay, it' only right to include some gift ideas. Just like Salty Sucker Bait Co. has the flavor bass crave, Bobalu Cigar Co. has the bait Fishing Guides crave. And remember, we do this Democratic Party style--we don't inhale.

This week marks the annual 29th birthday of yours truly. Wish Kramer a happy 29th by sending him a fax at FGS Wolrd HQ, 512/445-2850.

There's an unfortunate bump in the road this week. While everyone is concerned with bowl games and a late fishing season, you should watch the stock ticker, metaphorically speaking. It's a time when you feel like your mental health and wealth are tied to your bank balance. A fallacious truism, ture, but it's still important to you. Especially this week. Put in extra hours on a work-related task. Like getting the truck to work.

Turn your attention to your significant Bubba. In fact, give him/her all you've got, and being a good Taurus, you have a lot to give. Get out the silk underthings, or silk boxers, or whatever it is that makes you feel good all over. I hope you understand. I can't be much more direct unless I blow the family rating we've worked so hard to achieve.

Last week, it was about inventory. This week, it's the same thing except the emphasis is off the physical world and on toward the airy world of relationships. Take stock what you have and where it's going or not going. Examine things about your present and past relationships, and do some soul-searching. Are you fulfilled? Are you going to be fulfilled? Have you been fulfilled? Are you going to change your mind again?

Good news in your American Gladiators Arena of Relationships (after all, relationships should be considered a contact sport). Unlike Emmitt Smith and the Dallas Cowboys, you're in a good position to score. I don't like sports metaphors, generally, but a good flanking play or a fake pass would work well this week, if you get the picture, and I'm sure you do. Looks like you can catch an interception and return it for a touchdown -- just be careful that some neckless 275-pound linebacker doesn't blind-side you.

It's the height of the party season for you! The impending doom of the holidays has left you a little shell-shocked, and that'll take a big turn for the better starting this week. I'm sure about this, and you should be, too. Dust off the old unattended date book, grab a pencil and start filling in dates. Your phone starts ringing on Monday morning, and you know what? It won't stop.

That momentary fit of romance has lingering effects on your psyche but, thanks be, you are recovering your wits. At least I hope you are. Take some of that Virgo pessimism and put it on the shelf for a week or two. Lighten up and don't be so critical. I warned you awhile back that a momentary infatuation would wind up being just that. You have other fish to fry right now, so get busy.

Monday might seem like a slow day at first but around midday, as soon as the Moon comes into your sign, things take off. There is a problem right now, and it's something I've been meaning to talk you about: Your driving. It has come to our attention that you're not paying attention. Need to do something about that. Pay closer attention to the road ahead or consider public transportation.

Late this week, there's a one-in-100 chance that a new idea swimming in your brain will take off. To avoid a dangerous mix of metaphors, let me try it this way: flying fish. Let this idea you have see the light of day. Start this weekend. It has a chance of bringing in some extra holiday cash, and I mean quickly. Like flying fish.

With the New Moon this weekend, you have all kinds of good energy lined up in your slice of the sky. Here's the tough part: you need to be in two places at once. If you read enough science fiction, you know that you can clone a computer copy of yourself to be in both places, and I recommend this course of action. In fact, this week, I'm working on a special bit of computer programming to answer all my e-mail for me. Either that or the cat will do it. You should consider the same gesture.

The Love planets are playing hide and seek with your Bubba's heart. That's the bad news. The good news is that Mercury makes an entrance into your sign, and you'll be more effective at communicating your thoughts of love. It's a good time to practice writing love lyrics. If you don't feel like writing, let me recommend Shakespeare's Sonnet 130 as a starting point.

One of thsoe darned feminist asteroids (which is intimately associated with your sign) makes a big entrance into Aquarius this week. This means you have two orbiting objects in the heavens floating in your sign. This means you can do no wrong. Do something with this pent-up energy. Do something nice for humanity. Do something nice for yourself. Just do something.

While everyone is running around worrying about this or that, you should cool your outboard. Take a break from the hectic schedule. Sit back on the couch, channel surf, flip through a magazine, maybe pick up the phone and call your astrologer. Of course, the better astrologers are on vacation this week. Better yet, flip through a catalog and run up the credit card bill with the purchase of X-mas gifts. While everyone is stuck in traffic, you can have everything delivered.

Week of: Nov. 17-23

Last week was sensitivity training for men. This week, it's time for the womens. Your assignment: Sports metaphor. It's an effective literary device for communicating feelings. Put your feelings in terms that he can understand. Occasionally study the sports page in the paper, or listen to John Madden's grunts on Sunday football tee-vee. For instance, you could try, "You know, Bubba, when you took me to dinner to Hooter's for our anniversary, well, it hit me like a blitzing linebacker. It was like, 'boom!' Now I'm suffering from a mild concussion." You get the idea. A little cooperation on your part will go a long way.

This week is the final arpeggio of the Sun in Scorpio, which is opposite you. Let's talk cycles: You're wrapping one up. Like a X-mas gift you purchased ahead of time, it's time to put on the final wrap. Figure out where you've been, what's working and what doesn't. Be prepared to let go of those situations, probably romantic, that don't work. It's not all bad, just unsettling, like rocking the boat while wearing roller skates.

A great day of reckoning is coming, and I don't mean a big correction in the stock market. More about that as time progresses. What's important this week is to prepare for reckoning day. Alas, it's time to get into the holiday mode. You're probably playing host to family and friends right now, so concentrate -- as much as you can -- on cleaning up the homestead. Since the official holiday season starts next week, you need to have everything in order.

Early this week, or maybe late last week, you had/will have a sudden insight, like being hit on the highway of love by an 18-wheeler. And, once again, you will find yourself squashed flat. I'd say you are pretty well stuck. The problem with being so violently struck down in the prime of your life by the tractor-trailer of love is that so much is happening right now that you might not have the energy to deal with work. Your co-workers might find you a little unbearable.

Just working away, that's you. You can feel the momentum for the holidays approaching, gaining on you like a party train running at full throttle. Take heart: It's the last week of the mundane schedule you've been forced to keep. Soon you'll be able to board the holiday party train for which you have a lifetime pass. That should be good news. Possibly great news, but we have to get you through this week first.

As the weekend approaches, you find yourself like that old song, "Love Struck Baby." This is a fleeting influence, however. But just like our Stevie Ray Vaughn musical notation for the week, it's strong. However, the song that's so thoroughly evocative of your feelings this week was written by a musician who was noted for his blues. I don't want to worry you, but this strong feeling of love my evaporate just like some lovers do. Come next Monday, it might be gone. More like Hit-And-Run Baby."

It's a good week to wrap up financial dealings. In fact, it's a great time for this. You have a few odds and ends left over, so leave the spurious bits of this and that, the senseless details, to others who are more qualified. Stick to what you know. In some situations, make that "stick to who you know." You know? In my cynicism, I would never talk about how nice a relationship will be this week. But there's the good news.

As of this weekend, the pejorative effect of the Sun riles other signs, namely, those pesky Sagittarians. But until the weekend, keep your Scorpio head out of trouble. Be prepared to duck. Be careful with your driving. You don't need to run over the neighbors' begonias. But when the weekend gets here, get ready to cut loose!

This weekend marks the beginning of the goods times for the party animal in every Sag. It's a month-long spree of unabated pleasure for the sign of the half man, half horse. Wait until the Sun is firmly in your sign this weekend, though, because premature parties yield emotional discomfort. That means spend as much the week fishing, alone, and wait until Saturday to play.

Starting on Monday, you get the luckiest boost, and it lingers until Friday. After that, you're on your own. While the message couldn't be much simpler, I know you like a little obfuscation, so here goes: The two love planets are slow dancing this week in your sign. This is topped off by an interesting alignment of a great god and a lesser goddess in the sky, but both are doing it pretty well. All this dancing in the night sky results in love-life harmony.

You can feel vague rumbling, similar to the feeling after a gigantic Tex-Mex repast. These deep rumblings are telling you that something is approaching on the horizon. It's too far out to see whether it's the pickup truck of love or the pickup truck that monitors the tow-away zone. A developing situation at work makes extra demands on your upcoming holiday time. Plan on taking the computer home with you. I hope you have a laptop, or, if you are really cool, palmtop.

There you have it: Everything goes well until the weekend. It's a great weekend to do something different, like work. Plan on spending time at home, working. I can see it now: You with the laptop on the coffee table, wired into the phone, tee-vee remote in hand, munching on chips and swilling a beer. There's no other way to deal with this workload, is there?

Week of: November 17-23

"You can never have too many nudes in your living room."
Henry Tarin, owner of Big Bertha's Bargin Basement.

I was shopping for art. Rather, I was looking for a decent Hawaiian shirt to add to my collection, but upon entering this tidy thrift shop, I discoverd a mother lode of classic art: Black Velvet. And like Henry said, one can never have too many of these classics hanging on the walls. Of course, there was no Black Velvet Elvis, but the all the same.... Henry's store is located deep in the heart of South Austin, at 1050 S. Lamar. Too bad he doesn't have a web page for some of his fine, collectable art, some of which is now hanging on my wall.

Aries : Last week was sensitivity training for males. This week, it's the ladies' turn. The idea of sports metaphor for communicating feelings is an effective literary device when dealing with males. Try to put it in terms that he would understand. Occasionally study the sports page in the paper, or try to listen to it on TV. I realize this is boring stuff, but you get the idea, I hope. A little cooperation on your part will go a long way this week. However, just talking about the cute appendages the football players have doesn't always make points with guys.

Taurus : This week is the final throws of the Sun being in Scorpio, which is opposite you. Let's talk cycles, because you are wrapping one up. Like an Xmas gift you have purchased ahead of time--it's time to put the final wrap on the goods. Figure out where you've been, what is working, and what doesn't work. Be prepared to let go of those situations, probably romantic, that don't work. It's not all bad, just a bit unsettling. Sort of like rocking the boat.

Gemini : The good news, there is a great day of reckoning coming along. And it's time to get into the holiday mode, as well. I realize that you might have to play host to family and friends right now, so concentrate, as much as you can, on cleaning up the old homestead.Since the official holiday season starts next week, you need to have everything in order. Drag out your old tacklebox, and get all you lures lined up and facing the right direction. You get the idea, I hope: tidy up.

Cancer : Early this week, or maybe it as really late last week, you had a sudden insight. Like being hit on the highway of love by an 18-wheeler. And, once again, you find yourself squashed flat by this event. I'd say you are pretty well stuck. The problem with being so violently struck down in the prime of your life by a love tractor-trailer is is that there is so much going on right now, you just might not have the energy to deal with work. Remember, your coworkers might not share your rose tinted glasses right now.

Leo : Just a working away, that's what you do. You can feel the momentum for the holidays approaching. You can see it gaining on you. And, this is the last week of the mundane schedule you've been forced to keep. In a little while, very soon now, you can begin to get ready for all the holiday cheer which will be making its way into your sign. That should be good news. Possibly great news, but we have to get you through this week first.

Virgo : As the weekend approaches, you find yourself like that old song, "Love Struck Baby." This is a mere, fleeting influence, however. But just like our musical notation for the week, it's a strong feeling. I must add, however, that the particular song which is so thoroughly evocative of your feelings this week, was written by a musician who was noted for his Blues. Tel me where his statue is, and I'll send you a free "El-Cheapo" astrology report. I don't want to worry you, but this strong feeling of love my evaporate just like some lovers do. Come next Monday, it might be all gone. But the report will still be there.

Libra : This is a good week to wrap up some financial dealings you've got going on. In fact, it's a great time to do this. You've got a few little odds and ends leftover, and I would leave the spurious bits of this and that, and the senseless details, to others who are better qualified to look after this sort of thing. Stick to what you know. In some situations, make that "stick to who you know." If that last message was too cryptic, don't bother asking me for details. In my cynicism, I would never talk about how nice a relationship was going to be this week. But there's the good news.

Scorpio : As of this coming weekend, the pejorative effective of the Sun moves onto rile up other signs, namely, them pesky Sagittarius types. But until the weekend gets here, keep your Scorpio head out of trouble. Be prepared to duck. And be extra careful with your driving. You don't need to run over any neighbors' begonias at a time like this. But when the weekend gets here, get ready to cut loose! It's party time for Scorpio, then.

Sagittarius : This weekend marks the beginning of the goods times for the party animal in Sagittarius. It launches a month long spree of unabated pleasure for the sign of the half man, half horse. You need to wait until the Sun gets firmly in your sign this weekend, though, because any premature parties will yield some emotional discomfort. That means spend as much the week fishing, alone, and wait until Saturday before you get ready to go and play.

Capricorn : You guys get the luckiest little boost this week, and it starts on Monday but it has lingering effect until Friday. After that, you're on your own. Now, the message couldn't be much simpler, however, most Cap's like a little obfuscation, so here goes: the two love planets are doing a close dance this week, in your sign. This is topped off by an interesting alignment between one of the great gods of the night sky, and one of the lesser goddesses, but both are doing it pretty well. All this dancing in the night sky results in some harmony in your love life.

Aquarius : You can feel some vague rumbling, sort of like that feeling you get after a truly delicious Tex-Mex repast, and these rumblings down in your gut are telling you that there is something on the horizon. Just what it is, we will all have to wait and see. There is a developing situation at work which is going to make some extra demands on your upcoming holiday time. Plan on taking the computer home with you. I hope you've got a lap top, or, if you are really cool, palm top.

Pisces : There you have it: everything is going along really well until you get to the weekend. This would be a great weekend to do something different, like work. In fact, plan on spending some time, at home, working. I can see it now: there you are, laptop computer on the coffee table, wired into the phone line, and you, with a TV remote in hand, munching on a some chips and swilling from a can of beer. There's just no other way to deal with this work load, is there?

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