Week of: 8/2-9

"Hear'st thou, Mars?"
Coriolanus in Shakespeare's Coriolanus (V.v)

Aries : It's not a time for you to engage in wild speculations. I know you've got some great ideas, but a little penny pinching, and some pecuniary measures right now could help save you a lot. And, whatever you don't spend this week, and stick into the old sock under the mattress, pays off really well in the future. I'm no financial genius; in fact, when it comes to picking stocks, I can always get that one which will "show" rather than "win". You're going to emulate my ability in this area, especially this week. So lower your expectations, and don't be too critical of yourself. Money isn't everything. Well, maybe it is, but we'll say it's not, especially this week.

Taurus : It's summer time. School hasn't started yet. Everyone is on vacation. And I'm going to tell you to get yourself to the cleaners and get all of the high-powered business suits all cleaned and pressed. Break out them "Dallas" white shirts, the ones with all the starch in them. Get dressed up and get ready for war. I don't mean war in the conventional sense, but it is a time to start paying strict attention to the bottom line. Some one has to do it, and that responsibility now rests firmly on your shoulders. Better get used to it because this is a weight that you are going to bear for a while. I guess that's why they put them shoulder pads in suits, to help ease your burden.

Gemini : "Chop wood, carry water" is what the Masters say. Maybe that's a bit too esoteric for you. I know you have information in one of those books you've got, all about this concept. Since you don't seem to have the time to figure this one out, what it means is that it's time for you to roll up your sleeves and do a little bit of manual labor. Not anything heavy, just something to keep your idle hands busy. I know, I know, you claim you don't have time for yard work, or mowing the lawn, or even cleaning the kitchen floor, but it really is a good idea right now. Take a beak from mental exercise and do something mindless for a bit. Your brain will thank me. And this mindless work will clarify a persistent brain teaser -- after you get done.

Cancer : I know you are getting tired of hearing about romance but with the love duet doing a minuet in the sign of the Moon Child, Venus and Mars are bringing all sorts of nice and wonderful thoughts and visions dancing in your head. Of course, these thoughts and visions dancing in your head are a little early for Christmas, but you get the idea. Imagine yourself in a Winter Wonderland, and consider this a mental vacation from the summer heat. This vacation package is sponsored by FGS World Headquarters, on the South Shore of Austin's Town Lake. Enjoy the ride, Bubba. As soon as the mental vacation is over, you're going to find yourself back in reality, and even that's going to be a pretty good thing this week.

Leo : We should all be having a big Leo birthday bash this week. This sign is ready for some good things to happen, and it's set to happen now. Or pretty soon, anyway. On the one side of the emotional meter, you're doing pretty good. On the other side, this whole "another year older" thing is getting to be a bit tiresome. Here's a hint: you're not any older, just more chronologically advanced now. And with age, a little wisdom comes. In other words, you're getting smarter. I'll wager that you are getting much better at getting around those young ones. Age and guile have their uses.

Virgo : Look at a little Sagittarius this week. It's not bad, it's just this almighty fate thing that's got you down. If I could get you to shut off that fabulous Virgo mind for just a moment, you might feel a lot better. Your mate, or your significant other, or your intended, or your prey, or whatever you want to call that romantic interest, is going to come under a lot of close scrutiny this week. Lighten up on him or her or it. You don't need to pick on us so! We're doing the best that we can! I promise. Just because it looks like they are spending too much time in a boat, away from you, doesn't mean that they don't think about you, maybe once in every ten minutes.

Libra : No impending doom this week. No problems with annoying asteroids. No problems with big planets, either. No problems at all, well, except, perhaps, maybe there's this one little problem that you will experience this week. It's like, I don't know, maybe it's like being out in a bass boat, along the edge of the lake, in some overhanging tree branches, and there just isn't anything biting except the horse flies. Still, you look at the scenery, hear the hum of the trolling motor, and you know, deep in your Libra heart of hearts that all is well with your world. It could be worse, you know, remember the old adage: a bad a day fishing is better than a good day at work.

Scorpio : There are good weeks, and then there are weak weeks. And this is one of those that is sort of stuck in between. And you feel like you are sort of stuck in between, too. There isn't one particularly nasty astrological influence this week, just a number of little one which don't seem to be very nice. All of this is compounded, like interest on a credit card, by the whole structure of things. Now, before you think I'm picking on poor, much-maligned Scorpio's again, consider this: there is a fleeting, but good, influence as far as the love interest things goes, so its either compound interest on a loan, or love interest in the romance section. You make the call.

Sagittarius : It's time for your monthly "date with destiny" and this isn't some sort of infernal XXX spam from somebody called "Destiny at Hotmail 4 U" either. No sirree bob, this is the real thing. It's been happening every month for years now, about every 28 and half days, and it's this week again. The usual warnings apply, you know, watch out for Scorpio's, Gemini's, Aries, and the odd Pisces making life your life miserable this week. And whatever you do, do not let the evil gnomes who live under the bridge get to this week. They are there, gnawing away at your foundations of reality, but this really shouldn't trouble you all week.

Capricorn : This is not a good week for using strong medicine on weaker opponents, as much as you want to. It's not a good week for railroading your way through the business meeting. You lack a certain degree of finesse this week, and don't make up for that by trying the shotgun approach. Scatter guns are useful for Dove Hunting, which is a religious experience in the Texas Hinterlands, but that same approach won't work too well with your business buddies. Since you lack the usual aplomb this week, try faking it. Works for me, and it should work for you, too.

Aquarius : The good news is supposed to be something along the lines of "You will win the Texas State Lottery this week" but alas, according to the fine tuning I've done to the astro fish finder, I'm not sure that is actually going to be the case. But it could happen. Now, I don't want to appear cynical, but I've seen so few people actually win the lottery that I would wonder about the odds. However, it's another week in Aquarius Land, and you should have some surprising, unusual, and unusually good, news fall into your lap this week. Be ready for a lap dance of some kind, if you know what I mean.

Pisces : You are going to have a good week. Starts great, tastes great, and this week has 30% fewer calories than the regular week. We did have that little talk, last week, about watching your intake and digestion of high calorie foods, didn't we? No? Well, I meant to have that talk with you. I would exercise a just tad bit of caution in the middle of the week, though, because you might be tempted to take the good news about the fewer calories and tend towards over consumption. That's not a good idea this week.

Week of: 7/27-8/1

"My lord, I aim a mile beyond the moon;
Your letter is with Jupiter by this."
Marcus in Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus Act IV.Scene III.

Aries : Don't you just love Monday mornings when you wake up and feel like some army has bivouacked in mouth over the weekend? And doesn't this just sort of set a tone that you have the unshakeable feeling which will be with you all week? I'm not trying to set a mean tone here, unless you consider this "mean" in the way of average, like a standard deviation, plus or minus about two percent, to allow for error. It's going to be one of those weeks when nothing gets quite right. Best recourse is to head on down to the lake, get in a boat, and start drowning worms. You don't have to worry about any fish interrupting your reverie this week.

Taurus : It's not getting off to a good start this week. Nothing you do can make up for that feeling of impending doom. Remember, though, that feeling of doom is just that -- a feeling, like a disembodied spirit who floats around nagging you about a situation at work. Maybe it's like "A Christmas Carol" and the ghost of long past bosses are here to nag you about something. Of course, since ghosts aren't real, you have nothing to worry about, and you'll be able to shake this feeling before the end of the week. That much is something you can look forward to.

Gemini : It's definitely not spring, but there is that unmistakable sense that "love is in the air". For some of us, we might look at this idea of love in the air like an "ozone alert" day in a big city. It's one of those times when the standard warning is not to drive too much. I wouldn't warn you about driving right now, other than to suggest that you get out of town, and head get your happy self out to a large body of water, formerly known as the lake, and get ready for a some close encounters with a some fish. Just think of the tales of the tails you can tell, and it beats suffering from the "ozone alert" and "Mexican BBQ Fog" of love that's in the air.

Cancer : I expect an unusual amount of horseplay from you this week. Most folks with a traditional astrology background would assume that the reference has to do with either Sagittarius, or, at the very least, Jupiter, which is over in Pisces right now. I was thinking more about the Mars/Venus relative actions which is heating up nicely in your morning sky. And as that tag team of planets gets closer to you, I expect to see one of two things: Three Stooges horseplay, or a general football kind of "high-five" and "fanny-patting" activity from you this week. Feel like a winner? You are, Moon Child, you are.

Leo : At the beginning of the week, we are going to need to stop, pause, and reflect about the number of Leo's who have all gone before us. What has been their great contributions? See any Leo's missing from my list of great and famous Leo's (besides yourself, of course)? If so, drop me a note with their names and birthdays, and I'll correct this as soon as possible. So much for the hitting the "pause" button in life, let's get back to work, and get about what is important to a the Leo contingent in the universe, time to party on.

Virgo : When I sit down to answer my email, first thing every morning, my cat wanders around the house and sings to me. At least, I think she's singing. To my untrained, tone-deaf ears, it sounds more like a cat hollering. She gets happy as soon as I put some food out for her. After her delicious breakfast, she pops under the couch for a long nap, usually six to twelve hours. Now, as soon as you get done singing this week, you get to pop under your couch for a nice, long nap. You're just trying to observe one of the laws of physics at this time, the "conservation of mass" or something like that. You and the cat, asleep under the couch.

Libra : The little stuff, that odd and nagging feeling of doom and dread, is past you. Now, the only obstacles, if there are any obstacles at all, are much larger. Ever feel like you are trying to run one of those races where they have all those hurdles in the way? You run, you have to stop and jump over a hurdle, and then you run some more, and then, whoa, there's another one! Stop, look both ways, jump over the little thing. You might feel like that week, and I realize not many runners actually stop to look before they leap, but in your case, I think a decent little look-see will help you. I don't want to see you blindly leaping off into a some new, and unknown project without doing a quick background check. Trust me on this one, a little research might save you a pulled hamstring. Or you could say, I'm just trying to save you bacon.

Scorpio : Landlords, the scummy, money-grubbing, lawyer threatening, evicting, eviscerating, pond scum types are going to be after you this week. That's the bad news. Now I wouldn't come across with a tale of woe for the Scorpio if I didn't see a good side to this. Being a Scorpio, though, you might not take a shine to what I'm about to say. Some Scorpio's are so skeptical! That landlord, or similar authority figure who seems think that he or she has dominion over your life, will not be able to go the best of you. I'm so grateful, and you should be too, that Scorpio's has a sneaky, crafty streak. Use it this week, and watch how those authority figures slink away from you.

Sagittarius : There is a common mistake which I frequently try to rectify in my practice as an astrologer. All too often, I find the person seeking my professional help has confused "love" with "lust". While this isn't too bad of a situation, it can create problems. Now, you've gotten yourself wrapped up in a relationship, of sorts, this summer, and you are beginning to wonder just what the true story is. I can't help but think about those immortal words, "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind; And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." (Helena in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream [I.i.234-235]). Which means, use your brain a bit to explore the ramifications of your actions.

Capricorn : Your own, personal, desert is upon you. The long, bright days of summer are baking your brains. You know not what to do. You know not which way to go. You are confused about some personal problems. Stick to business and stick to basics. If you can't figure out what is going on at home, don't worry too much about it. This isn't a week for worrying about problems which clearly have no clear solution and clarity is going to be a rare commodity this week. However, the money making side of things looks really good. Money won't buy love, but, according to some Texans, it can be rented for a little while. So work on the income side of things this week.

Aquarius : The movement of the outer planets gets to be pretty hard to account for. Neptune moves retrograde 10 Astrological Minutes this week, or about .7 Minutes in a day, or about .029166667 minutes in an hour. Why is this important? Why should you drag out the slide rule to correct me if I'm wrong? Why should you care? Because you might miss a great opportunity this week if you are spending too much time worrying about infinitesimal details. Hey, that's what the Virgo Characters in life are for. You don't see me giving them any numbers to correct, do you? Know why? Tired of the questions? Don't worry about the details this week, let them sort themselves out. Look after the big things, and you'll be okay.

Pisces : This is one of those weeks when you start out with the very best of Pisces - type of intentions, but somewhere, along the way, things begin to get muddled. You go to the post office, but forget to bring the mail you had to send off. Or, you go out to eat, and forget to bring your wallet. Nothing is worse than having to solicit your date just so you can pay for the dinner. I'm not saying this is a bad week, it's just one of those times when you might feel better if you don't leave the house. And if you do leave the trailer, make sure you remember to go over your pre-flight check-list. Now where do you put that list of things not to forget?

Week of: 7/20-26

Hail, many-colour'd messenge that ne'er
Dost disobey the wife of Jupiter;
Who with thy saffron wings upon my flowers
Diffusest honey-drops, refreshing showers,
And with each end of thy blue bow dost crown
My bosky acres, and my unshrubb'd down,
Rich scarf to my proud earth; why hath thy queen
Summon'd me hither, to this short-grass'd green?

Ceres in Shakespeare's "The Tempest" (Act IV, scene i)

Aries : Here is the ultimate love affair, sitting in your lap, and all of a sudden, nothing is going right. In all honesty, lots of things are going right, you just don't realize it. And if you didn't have me to remind you, you would feel like there is no hope and you would think things are pretty desperate. Actually, they're not bad at all. You've just been thinking too much. Leave the thinking to other, more cerebral signs. You're a fire sign, keep making an effort to go with your gut instincts, like looking for that one sweet spot on the lake, where all the bass are hiding. You know where it is, you can feel it. Just don't think about it. In some other lines of work, this is called a hunch. Go with it.

Taurus : We've done the shattered dreams routine. Have we done reality check? How about the work check?> I can't decide which one is more important this week. So maybe both need to be addressed. Reality is this thing which results from a lack of adequate coffee in your body's blood system. And it does need to be checked in on, occasionally. Work is one of those annoying things that you are supposed to do every day, or, at least, a few days a week. Most bosses and similar authority figures have some kind of ridiculous expectation for what you're going to be doing this week. This reality/work thing is going to interfere with your plans for a relaxing week. Sorry about this.

Gemini : Multi-faceted Gemini, the ones who are always accused of being two-faced, you poor dears. Your Monday starts out with one too many things which demand your attention. Fortunately, for you, this isn't too much of a challenge. Then, as the week goes by, you are able to deal with this sudden rise in your popularity. I can't promise you fame and fortune this week, but I can see that the astrological fish finder holds some decent gains for, especially in the work place. Plan on juggling those projects and working on time management skills to get by. You'll actually pull it off after Monday.

Cancer : As this week draws to a close, all my fine Moon Children are going to take a giant leap: from romance to finance. Get ready to put your summer of love on hold while you suddenly roll up your sleeves and tackle a big project which will, I'm sure, earn you some decent money in the next few weeks. Or even months. The pay off may be miles away, but this dollar thing is going to turn into mega-dollars. And I always thought megabytes meant the fish were hitting pretty good. You heard it here first, so remember me when the big bucks start rolling in.

Leo : "In like Lamb, out like Lion..." and no, I'm not talking about some sort of strange sacrifice or bizarre Texas BBQ customs. Or, for that matter, I'm not talking about Texas Weather. This week starts Leo, and that is the biggest, baddest (in the good sense of the word) month there is is. The next thirty days or so are going to be a major party time for you. Now, there is one little problem I associate with this: excess. You're not always given to excess, but this next week, you need to watch the wretched excesses. And let some one else chauffeur you around. In plain language, they are called your designated driver.

Virgo : The Good news is that Mercury is just fixin' to come and visit you. The bad news is he ain't here yet. So with that, what you're going to want to do, despite the best of intentions on your part, is bide your time. Adopt that poker face this week and don't let anyone know what is in your hand. Are you bluffing? Or do you really hold a super-killer hand which will rake in the pot? Being a gambling sort, I would almost bet the ranch. Of course, after they call that Virgo bluff this week, you're going to wind up with a new ranch. How are you with horses and cattle?

Libra : It's going to be a good week. Wait, it's not going to be a good week. Well, maybe it will be a good week. Then again, maybe not. Of course, this sort of back and forth behavior is pretty common for a Libra. Sometimes. And that's also a decent appraisal of what this week will be like. Yes. No. Maybe. There are some really strong, good influences this week, and a few that are not so good. One way or another, and I trust your true Libra colors will show right now, you are going to make the best of this situation. You've got a few old problems which really do require your abject object attention at this time. Get after it.

Scorpio : "It was a dark and stormy night...." is the traditional beginning for a time like this. Of course, you have some fairly unconventional wisdom that I'm sure you will impart to me at a later date. With what you've got going on right now, the big secret for Scorpio for this week is to go ahead and try to balance all the little affairs that you have been secretly lusting after. This doesn't mean they have to be affairs of the heart -- there is also an element of money coming at. Of course, I'm reminded of that great Country singer who was cut when his fans showered him with quarters at a concert one time. It's not like there aren't a few things you should be careful of, but I'm sure you're willing to examine all the details.

Sagittarius : You get a cute little tickle from a romantic interest a little later this week. This isn't something big, but it is enough of touch to make your life a little more interesting than it has been. Ever reel in that odd fish? Like a gnarly old cat fish with three eyes? The result of some weird stuff being dumped in the river? Happens around here all the time. And that's what this new romance thing tickle is all about. You catch someone who has been after you for while. Or you let yourself get caught. Don't be surprised if they treat you like that three-eyed catfish after they catch you. "Would you lok at this one that I just caught?"

Capricorn : It's a good week to be a Capricorn. More or less. The more part has to do with a certain harmony that you've worked hard to establish. The problems this week only stem from romance, and even then, this isn't too major, as far as romance problems go. Imagine yourself as a professional fishing guide, and then imagine yourself with a special map to the lake where all the good fishing spots are highlighted. That's the way the week can go, if you just stick to the plan. You've got the map; now use it; X marks the spot.

Aquarius : I'm sure, at one time or another, we've talked about that great MLM plan. I'm sure you've got a friend who is willing to put you in under him or her. The problem is, that you should have taken advantage of this a while back. Like any good marketing scam, you're going to find out that you're too late this time. Maybe you'll pay closer attention to what I say next time about getting rich quick. Of course, I've heard that you are supposed to work hard in order to get rich, and that might explain why we're all so broke these days.

Pisces : You're going to feel like it all comes crashing down around your ears this week because that old lucky star is doing backwards boogie now. From being almost stationary in the very late degrees of Pisces, then apparent backward movement, this bodes a time a rest and relaxation. Actually, you're going to be pretty frantic right now, trying to tie up loose ends that you were supposed to tie up last week. Or last month, when every thing was going so well.

Week of: 7/13-19

"'T is a lucky day, boy, and we'll do good deeds on 't."
The Sheperd in Shakespeare's Winter's Tale (Act III, scene iii)

Red Alert: Monday the 13th (far worse than any Friday the 13th)

Aries : I sure hope you're the skeptical type who doesn't put a lot of faith in what every astrologer says. However, what I see coming up in your chart is some shattered dreams. Before you panic, how about we address this thing and call them shattered illusions? Some dream-like, trance-like idea is going to turn up different from what you expected. It's all a matter of perspective. And this new-found insight which clears up an old misconception is going to make life much easier for you. It's all a matter of looking at this week the right way.

Taurus : It's coming up on old family week for you. Long lost and distant relatives that you haven't heard from are supposed to drop you a line this week. And I don't mean "drop you a line" in a fishing sense either. You could get a fax, an email, a note, even just a postcard from the edge, but you're going to get something pretty soon. And I'm not talking about one of those post cards from Library, informing you that you owe a some astronomical amount on an over due book. Nope, it's time to get out the quill and bottle of ink, and be prepared to return these notes.

Gemini : Venus goes sailing out of your sign late this week. That's the bad news. Or the good news, kind of depending on your philosophical bend. You might want to add some dead German philosophers to reading list for the summer. In fact, a trip to the bookstore seems to be in order. Of course, I'd be a little wary of over-spending in a bookstore right now, you might be tempted to buy a whole library, and then never get around to reading it all. Stick with them dead German dudes this week because your brain is ready for a philosophical upgrade.

Cancer : There's something strange that's going on, and as this week unfolds, you get a chance to unlock whatever secrets of the universe are, the ones that have been preventing you from having a decent relationship lately. It's not that you haven't been without offers, it's just nothing seems to fit right. Take heart, dear Moon Child, because your are swinging into a time when your trailer house will literally rock back and forth with good vibrations. I just hope I haven't mixed too many metaphors here, but you can dig it all.

Leo : I want to say something nice for the mighty Lions this week. I once went to a high school where the football team was named the Lions. If you can guess the name of that high school, I'd be more than happy to send you, via email, an FGS "El-Cheapo" report. Maybe that would brighten your week. You've got Mercury still on top of you, but the problem comes from the fact that both Venus and Mars are now in the sign which comes right before you. As is the Sun. Makes for an interesting week. Don't you just hate it when they call something "interesting"? Keep planning that birthday bash.

Virgo : Old time astrologers, the really old ones, consider this to be a bad time for Virgo's. Fortunately, we've done a lot of "in your face" research, and have added to the present canon of astrological lore, and we've determined that this isn't such a bad time. Just be careful with your razor-edged wit this week. Just because you're so sharp, you don't have to cut the rest of us into ribbons. Slicing and dicing your astrology fishing buddy isn't going to help matter right now.

Libra : We have diminutive minuet going on, overhead, in the heavens. Three little clods of dirt are conspiring to make you think extra hard this week. To exacerbate the situation, these little clods of dirt are not particularly important in the grand scheme of things. But this heavenly dance is really important in the minor scheme of things. Now, to execute the final steps of this little dance, there is a some romantical interest type of thing which is serving to further complicate this little mess. Try to remember, this week, that this is all done in a minor key. It's really no big thang.

Scorpio : I'm not pickling the Scorpio's again. I know better. All of ya'll have beaten me into submission, the way it should be. However, this week, I humbly submit to you that there is some difficult business dealings about to transpire. This doesn't mean that you will lose, it's just a harbinger of hard work ahead. And while we're discussing hard work, this isn't like that stuff where the highway construction crews all stand around leaning on shovels, either. This looks like hard work of the kind which challenges your brain. Fortunately, it won't be too much of a hardship for you.

Sagittarius : Time to turn to the lighter side of life. Of course, you are going to be screaming about problems at work, the house that has suddenly become too small, and how no one ever treats you right. Get over it. You're a Mighty Archer, you can get over it. Your little emotional side is going to be a bit on the raw side early in the week. Don't fret about the details. It's not your problem. Minor and insignificant irritants fall in the realm of other signs. Act like that bow and arrow which represents your sign, and you'll go flying over your troubles this week.

Capricorn : Nothing could be finer for you right now. You are locked up in a surreal environment which is actually going to make you look pretty good. Of course, you are facing the week with the usual amount of fear and trepidation that is inherent with a Capricorn, but wait, there is a lot more on the horizon that looks good. All of us Capricorn's are going into a period of time of relative ease and grace. Of course, this doesn't mean that the relatives will be easy or graceful, they never seem to abide by our wishes. Still, this is a good week due to a number of nice little aspects in your chart.

Aquarius : Reality, met dream land. Shake hands. Get to know each other. There's an issue which you've been avoiding for a while, and I alluded to this particular issue last week. At least, I think I did. Maybe I'm dreaming, too. And this issue is back. You might want to call it a reissue, like old TV shows which get made into movies, or worse, cartoons which are portrayed on the big screen by real world actor people. In fact, you may feel like you are caught in one of those movies this week. Is it real or is it just an illusion? Hint: TV is not the real world.

Pisces : Don't say I didn't warn you about Monday the 13th. Don't come back and haunt me and say that it is all my fault; I was out of town, on the road some place. Must've been. I wouldn't have been there in the first place. Anyway, this Monday is sort of like a trigger for you, and it sets a tone for the rest of the week. No Pisces is really that superstitious. Except for one or two of you, I mean. And that means that this is actually going to a be a good week. I hope you have some special revelries set aside for Monday, we all know you deserve a big break this week.

Week of: 7/6-12

"I am giddy, expectation whirls me round.
The imaginary relish is so sweet
That it enchants my sense."

Troilus in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida, Act II, scene i.

Top water lures work best this week.

Aries : Have we talked about money? Have we talked about relationships? Have you confused the two? That would be my word of caution this week, don't confuse the romantic stuff with the cash flow stuff. And make a serious effort not to be too critical. Or make a critical effort not to be too serious. Love and money are very powerful motivational forces, both are active in your life right. Don't get them confused. Be serious when your supposed to be (about money). Have fun with that significant other and don;'t be critical of him or her (or it).

Taurus : It's time for the Grand Illusion! Okay, so maybe it's not the grand illusion, but you've got some wild dreams which are coming face to face with a reality situation. In other words, in precise mathematical terms, 2 + 2 seldom equals 4. Can't get there from here. Perhaps you've got one of those old Pentium chips installed in your brain right now, but nothing seems to be adding up correctly. It's not you, really, it's just the planets having a good go at you. Somewhere, there is a deity having a good laugh at you expense.

Gemini : As Mars moves out of your sign this week, you are stuck with nothing but the beneficial influence of Venus. This comes under the heading of a "good thang." I mean, have we talked about Air Signs lately? All that mental activity is going through your sweet little noggin right now. And with Venus in your sign, that just makes it more exciting. The deal is this: feel good about yourself and don't worry about the details right now. In fact, I seriously doubt that you ever worry too much about the details.

Cancer : Some astrologers call Cancer's moody. I hardly feel like that's an appropriate word for you guys, though. I much prefer the term "introspective" and "contemplative." That ought to give you something to think about this week. Another birthday, and another visit from Mars, which, all in all, isn't too bad. Just watch your navigation skills on the lake. A compass and a good map would help. But don't try to sail and look at the map at the same time. Doesn't work.

Leo : Being the lovely party animal creature, you might be a little upset with the fact that not enough of the right people are paying attention to you this week. Relax a bit, my fine Lionesque friend, because the attention will be forthcoming shortly. And in the meantime, put some of this wonderful Mercurial energy to work for you. It's a heady rush of ideas, and somewhere, there is a voice nagging you to get this down on paper. Write out your plans for the next few week, and you list should go something like this: birthday bash is going to be big; get invites out now; my birthday should be a national holiday (draft a press release).

Virgo : That persistent ringing in your ears is NOT wedding bells. It's not even wedding chimes. It might be from the bump on your head, delivered by a soon to be ex, though. I don't want to paint a negative picture for you, though, it's just that you've been a little too persistent with this wedding metaphor. And the effect of the good stuff, like that old wheel in the sky that keeps turning, is that things aren't as good this week. I really do recommend caution when it comes to your relationship stuff. There's no cause to let everything blow up, why not just let it all blow over?

Libra : If you remember one of the longest running cartoon of all time, "Scooby-Doo," then you remember some of the cartoon expressions used, words like "yikes." That's what this week looks like for you. You're all tooled up to make sweeping changes, but you're going to spend the better part of the week dealing with old problems, rather than getting the new stuff done. Check you equipment before you start out for the lake. Nothing is worse than getting halfway to a good spot to fish, and finding out that someone didn't make sure there was enough gas to get there. Much less enough gas to get home. Nothing is worse than being stuck halfway there with no fuel and no oars.

Scorpio : Thankfully, while all the other signs are having a bad week, life has suddenly gotten better. I would never, ever suggest that Scorpio is a vindictive sign. But just hold your horses, because you've got the ultimate payback coming this week! You don't have to lift a finger. You don't have to do a thing.... it's all right, because some one you wanted to get even with is going to wind up in a lot of trouble right now. The most rewarding part of this event is that you have nothing to do with it. So gloat some, you deserve it. give them that patented Scorpio, "I told you so" look.

Sagittarius : I got a feeling I'm going to get some angry Sag mail this week. Especially early in the week. But it's going to get better. Monday isn't a good day. Neither is Tuesday, but it's a lot better than Monday. But by the middle of the week, things are starting to feel like they are okay. Which they are. Now, for the magic time: go fishing this weekend. You can make fish land right in your boat, if you just concentrate hard enough.

Capricorn : We've still got all that unsettling little influences this week, nothing major is falling apart, but every little problem is cropping up in what feels like a big way. But it's not that bad, really. Or it isn't supposed to be. In fact, if you can put this sort time to good use, ya'll will find that you can solve some problems. It's sort of like working a busted up outboard motor. You just have to take the time to take everything apart, examine it closely, and reassemble the whole mess. Don't forget the yellow goo for gluing the metal parts back together with an effective seal.

Aquarius : The old "get up and go" takes a brief vacation, unless it's an urge to go and visit the doctor. Now, I'm not a doctor, other than a piece a of paper on the wall here at the office, but I feel like you've had some sort of nagging health problem, and that problem could use professional attention. Of course, a good massage therapist might help. Ask me, I have several in my area. In fact, you can't swing a dead cat these days without hitting a RMT, or so it seems. But in any case, you've got some stuff going on, and it's time to deal with it. Follow the good doctor's orders this week.

Pisces : Did I ever tell you how nice you look in a swimming suit? I was being serious, you know. You do look "oh so fine" in a nice suit, sitting there in the front of a bass boat. And that's the idea this week. Get out. I don't care what it is that you do, just do something. You are trolling right now, and wearing a swim suit in a bass boat, although that is not the best of behaviors for fishing, is what you should be doing. Remember, you look "oh so fine" right now. And pay no attention to the voice in your head telling you that things ain't any good--they really are.

Week of: 4/27-5/3

Bright star of Venus, fall'n down on the earth,
How may I reverently worship thee enough?

Charles, Dauphin in Shakespeare's King Henry The Sixth, Part 1 [I.ii.144-5]

Aries : We have a unique astrology event later this week, Venus, with all her glory, finally comes traipsing into your sign. Now, Venus is always associated with love and beauty and good things, but Venus also means flirtation. So get your flirting skills together. In fact, I would plan getting up close and personal with some trophy sized fish this week. Now, the fish can either Bass Master Monthly sized killers, or the fish can be the lovely sign of Pisces. Either way, you're in a good position for a change. There will some very interesting relationship oriented events occurring at this time. I might add, I landed a whole string of trout, at a fishing hole in the Rockies, under a similar Venus influence.

Taurus : As much as you want to, this isn't a week for complaining. A whole lot of complaining is what the week starts out like. You'll be a little edgy and tense. That's the bad news. Now, as the Mars/Sun/Moon thing drifts into separate orbit (astute students will note that the planets don't really drift into separate orbits--merely their relative position in the sky gets further apart), this pressure from the celestial side of life lessens. In other words, life gets easier. Now, The problem with having Mars in Taurus is that it's opposite its natural sign, Scorpio, and this leaves you a little tense. So try to find a nice way to ease the tension.

Gemini : Your public demands your attention right now. Spruce up your physical appearance, like, maybe wash some of the clothes you've been wearing. Some astrologers will tell you it's time to buy a new suit, but I can't make that recommendation with good conscience. However, a new pair of endangered species cowboy boots? Along with this appearance upgrade thing, you're going to find that you are desired by many right now. Being a Gemini, this isn't too much of a challenge. But being a performer, it does make you feel better. Of course, being a Gemini, the comment about "endangered species cowboy boots" might offend you. In that case, use it as a metaphor, a rare allusion.

Cancer : Have I ever talked to you about triggers? Have I ever given you the lecture about "astrology triggers" as opposed to those on firearms, or tempers? Because this week, more than ever, you've got an astrology trigger which is going to get activated. My Bass Master Astrology Scope says that this will happen late in the week, almost to the weekend, when Venus crosses into Aries. Then someone pulls that trigger, and the sign of Cancer is deluged with requests. I'm not going to worry about it because this looks very favorable for you Lunar Children types. There is one (or more) love affair on your horizon. Starts this week.

Leo : There is no time that it would be finer than now, for the the Mighty Leo. The only problem you are going to encounter this week is one which deals with a single person at work. Your one enemy in the whole world is what it feels like. And this one detractor is going to surface to make you a little miserable. The rest of us love you dearly, but there is this once character who fails to understand that the Leo is the natural leader, and this one character deigns to admit your natural superiority. Now, this can either be an uncomfortable situation or you can use your regal powers to forgive this individual. Which will it be?

Virgo : It doesn't matter how I fiddle around with this week's chart for Virgo. All I get is romance. Not true love, but nice, cozy, comfy romance with all the little hearts and butterflies floating around. Since this isn't due to particularly strong influences this week, I don't think it will be strong enough to sweep you off the feet, but I do feel like it will be strong enough to keep you from sweeping it under the carpet. Of course, like most good Virgo's, you're going to try to turn the minor event into a major escapade. With the way the stars line up right now, I heartily encourage this. Of course, please remember that I'm a dreamer, despite my thin veneer of cynicism. You could do with a lesson about this "thin coating of cynicism" too, because it would keep you from turning this minor thing into a big deal. But you still have this romance attractor on your horizon....

Libra : You know, you can't be a Libra without occasionally failing the basic binary test. This test is simple, "yes" or "no", pick one. No gray area. No maybe. On or off, black or white. The reason I'm talking about this Libra decision making puzzle is simple: you have to make some decisions this week, and that nebulous gray area won't cut it. You've got to be exceedingly decisive. I know that you want enough time to examine this from all practical, and some impractical, points, and you know that a hastily rendered decision isn't always the best. But when the fish hits the hook, you've got to set that hook. As soon as you do, you can reel in a big one.

Scorpio : I'm glad that Scorpio is a fixed sign because you are going to get a one-two astrology punch this week. First, there's a Lunar thing. Then, it's a Mars thing. I might have the order reversed, but you're going to feel it either way. Maybe I watched too many "Kung-Fu" episodes, but for every action, there is a way to turn the attacker's energy back on them. I know you can do that this week. Just be careful how you do it. Don't let that typical Scorpio wise-cracking humor become laced with venom. Trust me, I know the foolish Scorpio attacker will get his or her just desserts. Let the great wheel of Karma (not Kramer) take care of this for you. Last laugh will be yours.

Sagittarius : There is a really strange Virgo influence creeping into your life right now. Suddenly, you feel compelled to clean house. Suddenly, that stack of dirty dishes in the sink needs your attention. Suddenly, the stuff growing in the ice box, that science fair project, demands attention from a cleaning instrument. Maybe some harsh chemicals, too. Answer the call of this sudden desire to make things tidy in your life. There's a benefit here for you. Soon, a new significant other will come for a visit, and he or she will look around and be amazed at how clean you are, for a Sagittarius. Don't worry too much about this, this influence is but a fleeting occurrence.

Capricorn : Patience is your keyword this week. Or, if you're on America Online, Kramer is your keyword. And then we're back to patience being the other word. You are face to face with a situation, probably at home, where you've got a sibling or close relative being difficult. There's nothing you or I can do about this right now. But if you wait this one out, sort of like standing on the bank of the lake while everyone else is fishing, you will found that you can go back, next week, and do quite well because you made note of where the fish were biting. Same thing applies to your problem, just sit back and take notes. Roll ideas around in your head.

Aquarius : It's "self-help" week in Aquarius. I wouldn't even begin to suggest that you are in dire need of self-help, but a little plan to make one area of your life better is encouraged. Trot on down to the New Age Bookstore, or the New Age section of the big bookstore and have a look around. Nothing catches your eye, huh? Try the humor section then. Some of the best self-help material is marketed as humor. This only goes to show what the book people don't know about literary taxonomy. My personal favorite this week is still "The Tao of Pooh." By Thursday, you should be ready for breakfast, like the book says.

Pisces : One of your deities is having a good laugh at you right now. On the outside, things are good. Or, at least, they are supposed to be. On the inside, there seems to be some internal trouble, like two and two isn't adding up to four. You keep doing the math and getting three. You know it's wrong, but you are in a position where you can't change a thing. Well, maybe that's not true, but I wouldn't try to change the immutable laws of the universe right. Just give in and assume that the problem is like a Pentium chip with a faulty addition thing in it.

Week of: 4/20-26

And now he writes to heaven for his redress:
See, here's to Jove, and this to Mercury;
This to Apollo; this to the god of war;
Sweet scrolls to fly about the streets of Rome!

Saturninus in Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus [IV.iv.13-16]

Aries : The good news is that Mercury is turning from its errant path this week. In theory, that's really great news. In the real world, and most Aries live in the Real World, this uplifting news might not help a lot because there is still the rubble left over from the apparent retrograde motion of this small and relatively insignificant planet. But something else happens this week, too, as the Sun moves himself into Taurus. Money matters are going to be looking up soon. That, I can promise.

Taurus : Happy birthday Taurus. So much for the good news. Mars and the Sun are playing tag right now, and this weekend, there will be a new Moon in Taurus, too. With all that active Mars stuff going, you are going to be one happy camper.... sort of. Mars means activity, like getting out to the tractor pull, so see what is this year's greatest rigs on the circuit. And if tractor pulling isn't your favorite sport, perhaps 18-wheeler racing would be good. In any event, however, motorized vehicles are going to play an important role this week.

Gemini : There's a scene from a movie with John Cleese swinging in to save the day. That's exactly what happens this Monday, you have that ability to miraculously appear on the scene to save the day. So much for the good news. Actually, it gets a little better, because you can transport yourself into a brilliant situation. Now, the problem with that scene in the movie is that the actor is left swinging back and forth on the rope, and that's what's going to happen to you this week: excellent start, but then you are just sort of left hanging....

Cancer : You should be feeling a welcome flood of relief this week, like someone, some place, finally lifted a weight from your curvaceous carapace. In simple terms, you can come out from under that rock where you've been hiding for the last few weeks because things are starting to look better. All that nasty old Cardinal energy is finally swinging a bit more your way. The old fight is going to resolve in your favor, and there is one hopeless scenario that you've been waiting on, and guess what? It works out. Maybe.

Leo : Ah yes, my fine Leo friend, let me give you some advice for Monday: go back to bed. Don't even crawl out of the covers. Begin your week on Tuesday, or even better, begin your week on Wednesday. You'll be ever so much happier that way, and then I don't have to listen to any whining Leo's who will be complaining that Monday was such a horrid day. One too many is the theme song, as in one too many folks will be demanding you attention, and one too many customers will be wanting you to address their problems, and one too many problems left over from the weekend. You get the picture. if you start your week about the middle, though, things will run ever so much smoother.

Virgo : I've been accused of riding herd on poor, compulsive Virgo's. Not me! I would never pick on this sign! I know better. The deal is this: the week turns from awful to wonderful in the span of a few minutes. This earth shattering changes happen so fast that you head might literally spin, we just hope it isn't like in that movie (you know, where the character's head goes all the way around). What causes this is a little asteroid which is going to bring you warm, fuzzy slippers to put on your feet, a chance to kick back and relax a little. A chance for a much needed rest. Give the compulsive Virgo-like behavior a rest for the weekend....

Libra : Ya'll agree that you are going to get a unique send off on Monday Morning. Or maybe Tuesday, but you get the idea that the beginning of the week holds a big surprise for you. It's supposed to be a good surprise, too. And if it isn't, I really don't want to hear about it, either. Yes, the dreaded Mercury does the back flip thing again this week, and that means that your existence in the duck pond of life is starting to get better. Still, there are some simple rules you should follow, like being extra careful about the communications and eating all your vegetables. Some yogurt might help your diet, too.

Scorpio : It doesn't start out as a good week. I know, I'm going to hear from that one Scorpio who always complains that I don't have anything nice to say about Scorpio's, but I'm just looking at the Scorpio chart for the week, and there are some planets which are making for some uncomfortable situations around you. Now, there is also a weaker, much more benevolent influence in your life, but the trick is getting you to relax long enough to realize that there is a ray of hope. If you can just detach yourself from where you're at, step back from the day to day problems, I'll bet you can come up with a creative way to deal with a formerly serious problem.

Sagittarius : Slow down from Sagittarius headlong rush into the frenetic activity of life. Just slow down for a minute! It's one of those weeks when you agree to meet all your fishing buddies at the lake, early in the morning, and you show up on time. All alone. Everyone else has gone to another lake. Now, you can either waste a lot of time on the cell phone trying to track everyone down, or, better yet, you can motor out into this lake all by yourself. I'm pretty sure you can reel in some nice big fishes, if you put your mind to it. The only problem is no one is going to believe that you caught them all by yourself.

Capricorn : I know that you like money. I know that it isn't everything, but having a certain amount of financial wherewithal sure helps ease you through these dark and lonely spring time days. These last few weeks, and idea has been bubbling up in your brain, slowly working its way to the surface. Like a fart in a bathtub, this new idea will surface later this week. Unlike a fart in the tub, this idea will actually have some merit to it. Just make sure that you analyzes it from all the possible angles before you go running off to put this idea into production. In other words, look before you leap, think before you open that mouth.

Aquarius : This spring brings many things to the sign of the water-bearer. Most notably, this week brings some much needed Mercurial relief. But I digress. And so will you. The big ticket item you've had your eye on for a while is not ready for prime time with you. It's not the week to go and get that new van, new boat, or tacklebox. Look on the bright side, there is a relationship issue which has plagued you for several weeks. Despite my stern warnings about backward spinning planers, and despite my caveats about the planets being in evil disarray, you've acted as your agent and tried to make a go of this. Monday (maybe Tuesday) you get a lucky phone call.

Pisces : This is not a time for you to be sitting idly by the wayside. Pisces are usually waiting for good things to happen to them. You've got some pretty amazing planets lined up in your little quadrant of the sky, and these planets foretell of good things this week. Of course, there is a still the dreaded Mercury thing happening, but you know that. It isn't going away anytime too fast. But you will feel much better by the end of the week. That nagging health problem gets a shot a of astrological penicillin this week.

Week of: 4/13-19

O! thou great thunder-darter of Olympus; forget that
thou art Jove the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of
thy caduceus, if ye take not that little, little, less than little wit from
them that they have.
Thersites in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida [II.iii.6-10]

I always did like Thersites. He's mean, low, and generally not good for much except a little comic relief. But it's his biting sarcasm that I love the most. Just don't let that last, little bit of Mercury bite you.

Aries: Monday is not an inherently evil day, not by your typical definition, but this Monday starts out with a nasty little Saturn/Sun duet which might not be too pretty. Reminds me of that famous Texan Lyle Lovett and his doomed relationship with whatshername. And, any way you slice this week up, it's going to be a long road to Ensenada. Speaking of South of the Border, did I ever tell you about the great place to eat in Ensenada? Dreaming about fresh seafood might be the only recourse for a week that starts with this ill-fated Saturn song and dance.

Taurus: Last week was "Show Tunes for $100" and this week? This week is "New Cars" for $100. Actually, the price of new cars has gone up so it might be something else, like a "good, pre-owned" vehicle that you are supposed to be looking at. One of the problems with this class of automotive transportation is that you get deal with a classic archetype from the collective unconscious: the used car salesman. Poor fellows have a terrible stigma attached to their career, and you get to deal with this very archetype, if not a used car salesman himself. Imagine some guy in polyester plaid sport coat, trying to arrange to have "low monthly payment" for you right now. Remember, the little planet has not fallen out of it's bad week either, so maybe this isn't a good time to listen to that salesman.

Gemini: A Gemini mind is fascinating thing, so many pathways and little quirks to the routing of the mental messages, it is truly fun to watch, like driving by Six Flags and watching the roller coaster. But you need to be careful this week, because your mind has turned into a bad neighborhood after dark. This isn't someplace you belong. After dark, alone, and it feels like they (no antecedent to the pronoun) are out to get you. This is a week which requires a little bit of internal contemplative time. But like the bad neighborhood idea, maybe you don't want to do this alone. Or after dark. And if you do venture in there, at least go armed.

Cancer: By now, my fine Cancerian fellows, you should be watching the proverbial clock, counting down the minutes to when you get a serious dose of relief. Like a good cup of herb tea, or better yet, a decent plate of BBQ (with potato salad and two slices of white bread), you will find that there is a relief in here, and in the meantime, before this relief shows up, try to "do" lunch as often as you can. Around FGS World HQ, the lunch counter is up in Round Rock, and the information about what bait is working best is important. You can pick up some little tidbits like that if you are willing to listen this week.

Leo: There are some very interesting planets doing very interesting things and this makes your life a very interesting place. Love or money, this week. Pick one or the other. I can't see you squeezing them both in this week, but it's not from a lack of trying. There is only so much time in a day, only some many days in a week, and that just doesn't seem to fit with your schedule too well. So concentrate on one or the other, but not both this week. Personally, I'd go for the money, because, being Leo and all, the love will always find you. Everybody loves a Leo. You may not feel it this week, but it's true.

Virgo: Virgo's can be such handsome creatures, but when the planets fall into certain disarray, the Virgo face gets this pinched look, like there is a foul odor coming from an unnamed source, sort of like "the plumbing is backing up again" look. That's how it is this week. And, as if the news about Mercury wasn't bad enough, there is the love planet of Venus, opposing you right now. You're just not a happy person this week. Doesn't make you any less good-looking, though, but I'll bet you don't see it in yourself right now. So? So don't take matters quite so serious this week, remember, the plumbing is expensive to fix, but you can just put a rotating fan in the window to get some fresh air, and that'll help ease the aromatic stuff in the air.

Libra: I can feed you a line like, "It is the best of times, it is the worst of times," but you would quickly catch on that it was just a line. In fact, with all the nasty stuff stacked up against you, you'll just tell me it is the worst of times. There is a silver lining to this cloud, however, but I don't think you are going to like the way I pitch this: it's called "work." Work is a foul word, seldom used, here at the headquarters. Regrettably, for Libra this week, this "W" word comes into a very clear focus, thanks to that pile up of planets in the opposite sign. There is some relief, and it's looming, just OVER the horizon, which means, it ain't here yet.

Scorpio: Despite what all the other world class astrologers are going to tell you, I will beg to differ. And as often as I'm accused of picking on Scorpio's, I'll tell you how good this week is going to be. The deal is this: the Sun hits Saturn, Mercury is retrograde, and Mars moves into opposition to you sign. Sounds pretty bad? But being a good Scorpio, you can put out that Saturn/Sun fire with your water, Mercury is too small to be bothered with this week, and Mars will only serve to strengthen your will. You've got the power this week, just tread lightly on the rest of us poor signs, so we don't get hurt in the fracas. You'll win, but you knew that already.

Sagittarius: Ever studied geology? The science of rocks and stuff? Geologic time is at work right now. You're moving in Sagittarius time, and the rest of the world seems to be moving in geology time, like, no changes for hundreds, even thousands of years. Eons, even. Careful, too, because you might be tempted to help speed up the process, and you know what? This week, that will result in frustration. Big time frustration. No matter what you do to try to get everyone else up and running on Sagittarius time, you meet with obstacles. See, you're the hot, flowing lava right now, and the rest of the signs are just sitting there. Be careful that you don't burn anyone with your touch this week.

Capricorn: Like I've implied as delicately as possible, this is a good time for you because you are face to face with obstacles. And rather than hand you some bland truism which sounds like a weak new age aphorism along the lines of, "Obstacles are nothing more than brilliantly disguised opportunities," I'd say something like, "You're a Capricorn, if you ain't got to work for it, you ain't happy." And that comment has more truth than anything else. Things won too easily are soon forgotten about, and this is shaping up to be a week that you will not want to forget anytime to soon, no matter what happens.

Aquarius: While every other sign is spending a lot of time freaking out, relax a bit, and pretend like their frantic behavior is amusing. Secretly, I'll assume that you are getting a little worried, but we'll just keep that our secret. This week sort of meanders along like an idyllic little stream, coursing its way through the Hill Country. Get ready, though, because there will be a sudden downpour, and this little stream that is your life is going to swell up and over flow it's banks by this weekend. Of course, I'm just talking in metaphors,. but you get the idea.

Pisces: It was just about a year ago, yes, just bout 12 months past when Karma, Fate or the Wheel of Fortune dealt you a serious good hand of cards. Being Pisces, you didn't fully take advantage of this good hand. Now, you've got a chance to play this one out. While everyone else is struggling with minor planets and minor problems, bluff, cajole, grin slyly, even leer a bit, and get ready to giggle when you claim the winning pot of gold. It could happen, you know. It could be something as simple as a scratch off lottery ticket, or as convoluted as flipping a real estate deal. Either way, get ready for a decent pay off. You heard it here first, straight from the horse's mouth.

Week of: 4/6-12/1998

My father named me Autolycus;
who being, as I am, littered under Mercury,
was likewise a snapper-up of unconsidered trifles.

-- Autolycus in Shakespeare's "Winter's Tale" [IV.iii.25-27]

It’ll be a long week. Take a moment to reflect and think about life a year ago... It's what the hippies call a flashback. Hopefully, youíre not freaking out and cursing the flying fish that are swimming circles around your head. Some not-so-distant memories are waiting to be heard from. Maybe it's because of Mercury Retrograde action. Maybe it's Saturn. Maybe it's a Scorpio lover who won't go away. Not that there's much difference between a Scorpio lover and Saturn at some times... Either way, you have to deal with it this week.

According to ancient Greek astrologers, Mars brings a hot, burning sensation. If you feel this literally, see your doctor. With Mercury still in a tailspin, be careful that Mars doesn't get to you. Itíll make a valiant effort to heat things up in your life. Mars hits Taurus late this week. Theme music is appropriate. I like the theme from "Jaws" but more relevant music would be the "1812 Overture" with auditory fireworks. Plan on a drumming circle or similar activity to welcome the Martian advent.

The next Gemini who wants me to "do something" about Mercury will be relegated to the back of the boat. I have no control over the planets. Well, not yet. Mercury is still in the midst of a terrible retrograde, still messing with poor, innocent Geminis. Yíall are inexorably linked. When something happens to Mercury, then something happens to you, like your career taking a momentary step backward. Don't let annoying things get your dander up this week because it's not worth it.

I hope you can work with me because relief is in sight. If you hang on long enough, a Spring Break-like respite is coming. So maybe itís a little late, but it does arrive. You start out with a good week, then have a miserable mid-week and by the end of the weekend, you'll be pulling in trophy-sized fish using bizarre bait. Youíll be fishing for trout, but wind up with bass. Little trout or BIG bass -- you make the call.

Keep the dynamite away for Monday morning meetings. Don't even take a concealed handgun unless, of course, you are wearing a bullet-proof vest. Even then, it may not work. What you need is a good helmet. Youíll feel like a target early in the week. When youíre a target with a big olí red bull's eye painted on your butt, youíre bound to feel "put upon," as my British friends so cleverly understate. Look on the bright side: At least youíre getting attention, and that's something a Leo deserves.

More health problems than usual? That nagging, persistent cold-like set of symptoms is back. Itís more likely an "objective correlative" as opposed to a real cold, but refer to my disclaimers before you use an astrologer as a health-care provider. I wouldn't worry about it much because itíll clear up over time. I think the cold symptoms are merely allergies instead of something really serious.

Paul Tillich once wrote, "Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith." Self doubt? Doubt in others? General unease? To ease your mind, perhaps the best thing to do is nothing at all. I know, you feel like you should be doing something. Remember, Mercury retrograde warnings apply, and that's one reason why I keep saying think about it, dear Libra, examine all the possibilities before you do something....

Scorpio, the dependable one! You have risen above the mundane. You are dealing with deep, intriguing problems. This level of digging -- not unknown to a good Scorpio -- may reveal some ugly little truths. However, this isn't the time to let secrets out. So keep up the dependable digging but don't reveal a single find.

As Archers, we must learn from the persistence of Scorpio. Letís consider a new word in our vocabulary: tenacity. It's a difficult word for a Mutable Fire Sign, but it's worth considering when the little planet Thoth is dancing on our heads. The good news is that relief is in sight. That's why the word "tenacity" is so appropriate.

I once sold a house when Mercury was retrograde. The deal was a quick sale but a very slow close. This week, you should pay attention to the moral of my tale because you want to move, change houses, but it isn't the best of times. If youíre contemplating a deal, go over the ream of papers with a magnifying glass because you don't want to miss any important fine print. Donít get your butt caught in a clause.

The bad news is that Venus is leaving your sign. The good news is that Venus is moving into your adjacent sign, Pisces. A Mercury Retrograde is overrated for a Fixed Air Sign, so you don't have any problems, really. Of course, you've overlooked a few details the last week or so, but donít worry about that.

With all the hot action in Aries, the cool vapors of the Venus are welcome in your corner of the sky. You've got a number of minor irritants right now, but the major irritants are behind you. Or they should be. Being a good Pisces, donít let facts get in the way. Keep pushing forward because a new day is coming. Welcome the Venus influence... it means hot romance.

Week of: 3/30-4/5

"Who should withhold me?
Not fate, obedience, nor the hand of Mars
Beckoning with fiery truncheon my retire;
Not Priamus and Hecuba on knees,
Their eyes o'er galled with recourse of tears;
Nor you,may brother, with your true sword drawn,
Opposed to hinder me, should stop my way,
But by my ruin."

-- Troilus in Shakespeare's "Troilus and Cressida" [III.v]

Aries -- always forthright, in your face, no holds barred, nothing up your sleeve. Usually. Mostly. With all you've got kicking around in your little section of the sky, though, it's a good time to learn a trick from a Scorpio or
someone with Scorpio Rising. Right now is not the best time to be all things Aries; in your face directness might blow up in your face. Of course, you thrive on a challenge, and this might sound like a challenge to you...

Should we discuss that blast from the past? Should we talk about old lovers who crawl up from the depths of hell to torment you one last time? Or is everything going along swimmingly? I doubt the good part, but that might be my cynical nature and basic mistrust of humankind. You should be exhibiting a basic mistrust of humankind this week, too. Not that everyone is bad, just a few individuals, like folks at work, are enough to make you want to join the Hermit Society.

Old loves, like garbage that hasn't been taken to the curb yet, may begin to smell this week. Igniting an old flame was a good idea, or so it seemed at the time. Now this old flame has turned into some kind of nightmare like airbrushed artwork on a professional Monster Truck. It was fun at the show, but this isn't
something you want hanging around. Like that car-crushing super truck, your old love might try to run over you.

This time of year brings a panoply of wild flowers. A Lupine, native in Texas, is usually growing with a wild riot of color. This is the State Flower, and it can be very pretty. Your problem is that this plethora of spring growth is aggravating your sinuses. Actually, it's Mars, Mercury and Saturn aggravating your chart, but it feels like a sinus congestion that won't go away. This is where you should heed warnings about Mercury Retrograde. You know the drill, get under the bed and don't come out...

I'll keep this short. Bad week, good weekend. Simple enough? Usual annoying Mercury Retrograde problems will crop up and in your fine, inimitable style, you will create havoc for other folks. Then it's their problem, not yours. The simple summation I started with really doesn't hold true because you're in position to take advantage during Mercury Retrograde. Just don't let the Conspiracy People get to you.

Virgos and their cars... What could be more apt? Ever notice the kinds of car a particular sign drives? Virgo's all seem to drive something somewhat eccentric but ever practical. Not all Virgo's are obsessed with keeping their car immaculate. I was riding with a Virgo the other day, and you couldn't see the floorboard for the food wrappers and newspapers. With Mercury Retrograde right now, there might be something stirring, something alive, in all that stuff. If you haven't cleaned your car, I'm not sure this is a good time. Let the little beasties alone for the time being.

Libra's are great; warm, kind, caring. Often, you're called "loving Libra's" and that's a nice way to put it. We've got a problem this week, and it has to do with several planets. The good news is that you are mentally quick. Agile, even. The bad news is that no one understands you, and you get mad, and you pout. Pouting won't help. Make an attempt, despite Mercury's evil arrangement, to get your ideas across. If I told you otherwise, you wouldn't listen, so just be aware that someone, someplace, is listening. Might not be the intended audience, but you will be heard.

Bothered by mood swings? Turmoiled by the bouncing ball which seems to be your emotional state? In some circles, a nice cup of hot tea (caffeine-free, of course) is in order. In other places, a decent brew pub might help. Here at FGS World Headquarters, we suggest a day in the boat. You might be feeling restless, so motor around to the good fishing spots. You'll spend a lot of time changing positions and not much time actually fishing, but remember that the journey is the reward. As long as you're on the lake, you'll feel more calm, as long as you turn the beeper off and forget the boat phone.

You don't want to be a New Age hypocrite right now, so don't adopt a philosophical stance you can't back up or take a stand that you have no intention of seeing through. It's one of those times to take it easy in a big way. Be careful about what situations you get yourself into this week because that normal Sagittarius good luck is taking a break. Don't panic. It'll be back in a week or two.

Bluebonnets, the color of the sky... and it's spring time for you! (Or as we say in Texas, "sprang.") Consider yourself in a marginally good position to move forward. Just don't count on help from others. In fact, others may try to remove the "sprang" from your step. Doesn't mean you won't succeed, just means that it will feel like a serious struggle. Of course, being a quality Cappy, you need some struggle to make it interesting.

As Venus makes a last pass through your sign, it will take you to a place filled with Love and Light, a bright white light. Sort of like the kind of light used by the White Light Nazi New Agers of Santa Fe. Or Sedona. Or even Austin. Be careful of get-well quick schemes floating your way, as if wafting in a spring time zephyr-like breeze. Think back to the white light, and the place it takes you to. And when you get to this place filled with white light, you'll be asked to take a number...

I've discovered that you have a remarkable affect on the rest of us, and a huge number of you engage in a little-known sport called "group meditation." In this sport, a large group of people sit together and do nothing but vibrate with brain waves. I wouldn't want to sound skeptical or cynical, but I have to wonder about this. What does it mean? If you have an answer, wait until Mercury Retrograde is over to tell me.

Week of: 3/23-29

Then should the war-like Harry, like himself,
Assume the port of Mars; and at his heels,
Leash'd in likeihounds, should famine, sword, and fire
Crouch for employment.

The Chorus in Shakespeare's "Life of the Henry the Fifth" [act 1, intro, lines 5-8]

Aries : It's spring time. Be happy, joyous and free. Okay, pick two. Okay, this week, pick one: happy, joyous or free. Ain't going to get them all worked out this week. Mars is making tracks all across you right now, and seeing as how Mars is intimately associated with the sign of the Ram, you seem to have trouble with time management. Before those cards and letters start to pour in, let me explain because I understand: there just isn't enough time for you to manage. Call it what you want, but you are going to be very busy this week. And shoot for one of the three; don't waste any time trying to accomplish too much this week; you're doing the best that you can....

Taurus : Mars is being unruly to the gentle sign of Taurus right now; you've got the little red one kicking around in your 12th House, which isn't a bit like the play, 12th Night. If you remember that play, it's a case of mistaken identity, and some of the Bard's judicious gender swapping which is even funnier when you look at the historical context of the play, a boy playing a girl playing a man, and so on. And you're going to feel like someone is doing some kind of merciless mirth on, a merry prank indeed, on you this week. Laugh it off. Because this week is just like the play: it has a happy ending. You just feel like you're stuck in Act III right now.

Gemini : Love is in the air. At least, we all hope that love is in the air. Perhaps you might want to look at this love thing again. Remember what tragic consequences love had for Romeo? And sweet Juliet? Since Mercury is going to turn retrograde this week, maybe you'd better slow down the love thing. Look at all your options and think twice before putting the carriage in front of the horse, as the old cliche goes. Better yet, think twice before putting the boat before the motor. Unless it's a trolling motor....

Cancer : There's nothing bad happening this week in your sign. That said, let me elaborate. There's also nothing particularly good happening, either. So just chill out out. Take it easy. Take a load off. Folks are bound and determined to disturb your hard earned peace so take it all in stride this week. As a matter of fact, here's a great expression to use: "I'll take it under advisement." Try fending off the ill luck and junk email with a comment like that. Tell them all, "I'll get back to you later on this," just like my Bubba always tells me....

Leo : I had to crack open the dusty old astrology books to come up with a decent reference for you this week. With both Neptune and Uranus in the opposite sign, as well as Venus, it seems like you are face to face with another week of things being contrary. Now, contrary is not always bad, it just means that folks seem to be a little upset with whatever it is that you are doing. In fact, if you're not careful, you will find that everyone is out to get you this week. Actually, they aren't all out to get you, it just feels that way. And there is certainly no reason to be paranoid. Just imagine that everyone you talk to who is contrary is having a bad hair day.

Virgo : I've been severely rebuked and assured that not every Virgo a neat freak. And I've been horribly trashed by a number of Virgo's who assure me that they are not all clean and picky. But this loyalty to order, a common characteristic in the sign of the Virgin, feels like it comes under attack this week. There is a finite amount of pleasure which can be derived from cleaning house. And this pleasure you get from putting things in order, like crossword puzzles and jigsaw puzzles, that concept of order out of chaos doesn't work this week. Don't panic, order will return to your life in short notice. Just not this week.

Libra : Libra's are always above average. Better looking, better built, above average intelligence, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But this better and above average stuff isn't going to get you a lot of places this week. Doesn't matter. You will survive. If it's not one thing, then it's another. In fact, you feel a lot like a Virgo this week when little problems keep getting in the way of big problems. Remember the old line: small problems are just catastrophes trying to grow up.

Scorpio : Say hello to my favorite Scorpio, Ma Wetzel (that would be my mother) and she really hates it when Mercury turns retrograde. In fact, she has often wondered aloud why her son, the astrologer, can't just climb up in the sky and fix those pesky planets. I'm doing the best that I can, right now. All I do report the facts. For the Scorpio, this week, the pesky and pernicious retrograde thing is going to affect a lot of your communications so try to be extra careful about what you say. You don't want to be coerced into going back over old ground and apologizing for something you said in haste. And you can blame it on Mercury. Send Ma Wetzel a loving fax about Mercury Retrograde 214/521-0259.

Sagittarius : You've had a big business deal pending for some time now, and like all good contract negotiations, this a great time for a walk out. In fact, I've always liked the term used in Australia, it's time for a "walkabout". Of course, that isn't going to settle any of the contract negotiations right now, but with Mercury falling into evil disarray, I wouldn't worry too much about it. A trip would be in order, and for tax purposes, make it a business trip. Paris would be a good option.

Capricorn : You need to boldly go where no person has been before. That's what this week feels like that you do, it feels like you need to boldly go where no one has gone before. You and Kirk. Ever notice how the Enterprise always survives? So do you, this week. In fact, you have the Midas touch, and I'm not talking about mufflers, either. Make some money in the daylight hours, and then use the beneficial influence of the Lunar Houses to help you in the evening hours fire up that old romance. Life is good again.

Aquarius : As thoughts of love and romance run their course through your Aquarian veins, don't act too vain. Venus is leaving lasting mark on your soul right now, and with the incipient stages of Neptune toying with your subconscious, you find that you are ready subscribe to the ideals of love, if not the idea itself. This means it's time to shed the old skin, like a reptile, and get on with what you've got coming along. Try and toss those rose colored-shades to the side this week, because, after Monday or so, your "affairs" are in order. Just watch out for dead truck batteries.

Pisces : You know, Mercury does go retrograde this week. But it's not going to affect you. At least, not too much. It might, however, affect some of your Aries friends, and that's what I would look out for, if I were a lucky double fish sign. Life in the Pisces Trailer Court is going to be good this week. Life with a Pisces is going to be good this week. Life outside the confines of the Pisces worlds might be a little less than wonderful. You've been notified, so I expect that you will pay attention.

Week of: 3/16-22

"Who should withhold me?
Not fate, obedience, nor the hand of Mars
Beckoning with fiery truncheon my retire...."

--Troilus in Shakespeare's "Troilus and Cressida," (Act V, scene iii)

I like the Troilus quote because it talks about Mars, and Mars rules
Aries, and the sun enters Aries later this week, but first, a few words
from our sponsors.

It's Spring Equinox, and that means party time. With the Sun moving into your sign, things get hectic. Actually, it's the beginning of a new adventure. It's like that new roller coaster at the theme park. It'll take you up, over and finally, upside down, where your shirt falls over your head, exposing yourself to the crowds below, which you love. Should be an amusing time, as long as you hang on. As usual, with mars in your sign, be careful with the BBQ grill.

While Aries is firing up the old gas grill, you need to chill. You've had disturbing events as of late. Judging from my mail, this isn't a great season for you. Caution is advised, especially when dealing with cutting implements or military ordinance like low-yield explosives. I would rule out cherry bombs as a form of entertainment. You've had enough explosive situations already. Be careful when carving the Sunday pot roast.

My baby sister is a Gemini and a performer of some note. And an archetypical Gemini. Like her, you need to take your show on the road and aim for the big venues. You'll be in places you'd never dreamed, like the Opry House. If you're having trouble getting into the bigger arenas, examine what the problem is because you can overcome any difficulty with your charm and wit.

My man Bubba is a Cancer; most folks assume that I write the Cancer scope just for him, which is patently false. This week is solid proof. If so, I'd be telling him he needs to send me more money. Since I'm not, I direct your attention to the fact that you face terrible odds at work, and it will feel like gremlins are trying to subvert what you have carefully assembled. The cure for this is patience, but that's in short supply. Don't let the trolls under the bridges steal your parade fez.

It's a fine one coming down the pike this week, so strike while everything is in Aries. Aries is a fire sign, just like Leo. All that fire means that things are working for you. Actually, most things are working, but not all things. Romance is a tough call, but if you play your cards right and don't bluff too much, you might be able to pull in a grand prize. The trick is the poker face. Practice the poker face.

On the bright side, you've made it this far. And it won't get much worse. Maybe the romance thing is in a downward cycle, but it's still not completely terrible. Virgos aren't always willing to look on the bright side, seeing a half-empty glass as a sign of impending drought. It's hard for us to deal with this attitude, so lighten up. If everything feels like it's headed down the
toilet, then you don't have to worry about running out of water, OK? Odd influences can help if you let them.

It's a good week to solicit advice. Get a second or third opinion. Listen to the experts. Develop that thoughtful look, crinkling your eyes and watching the mouth of the speaker. Take notes. Then do what you were planning to do anyway. If anyone asks, just show your research like on the tests in high school that say "show all work."

About mid-week, you have a unique opportunity. And your insight is heightened. As a Scorpio, you normally have pretty good vision, i.e., you can see beyond the surface of many issues. But this week, your intuition is helped by bizarre planetary behavior. The trick is to not tip your hand; don't let your opponent know that you know that they know that you know. Don't let on that you have a pipeline to the planetary datebook this week. Use your powers for good, not evil.

It's a great week for the mighty Archer. With everything in Aries, you're fired up as they are, perhaps more so. What will you do with this energy? Go to France? How about Paris (Paris, Texas)? Running away seems fun, but it's not the most expedient answer to little troubles that you are working hard to avoid. If you sit yourself down and tend to boring ol' business, you can accomplish twice the work in half the time. That's a 4X yield for you.

This is a good time for a Capricorn, but one ill-advised adventure is moving. I know you want to move, but getting a new trailer isn't the best idea right now. Consider what you're looking at. Don't spend too much time worry about ideals. Stick to the basics and you'll benefit.

I've been publishing on the Internet and via electronic mail for a few years now. In computer time, that's akin to decades if not centuries. As an Aquarius, with a strange love triangle between you, your truck and your boat, I have to wonder how your computer fits in. Is it getting jealous? You should know better than to anthropormorphize the equipment: They hate that. The love triangle becomes a square this week as Venus and Uranus dance with each other. Now imagine your truck and your boat dirty dancing. I hope this makes sense; I just read the stars.

You are in a great cycle of rebirth. That's high talk about how things are going well. I can't think of a decent metaphor for "real good" other than better than greased lightning. Perhaps you want to send me some metaphors for this week? The lucky star resides in your sign right now, and it's here for a spell, so get used to the added activity. Things are good, just don't go ballistic.

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