Week of: January 13-20, 1997

Be opposite all planets of good luck
To my proceeding if, with dear hearts' love,
Immaculate devotion, holy thoughts,
I tender not thy beauteous princely daughter!

[always like Richard the Third on a day like this]

Richard the King in Shakespeare's Richard the Third {Act IV, scene iv}

Monday the 13th! Oh no.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: I knew an Aries who once went without food or sleep for three days. That Aries said it was to improve the thought process. The result of the experiment was that the Aries discovered that they are not about thinking, but about doing. While this has been a troublesome week for you, and it looks like it doesn't get any better, I wouldn't advise you going without food or sleep--it doesn't work, as empirical observation on that critter called Aries has proven. Next week: we'll talk about the relationship stuff.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: While everyone else is worrying about minor details of life, you are able to step back and take grand look at the whole picture. it's as if you can see a whole fishing season, all at once, before anything ever happens. you will note that you are set to catch some record size fish in June. The boat's motor will have to be replaced by August. Your mate will get irritated at you putting fishing first in April. Yes, you can see all this right now, this week. The problem is, can you do anything with all this wonderful insight?

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Concentrate on business for the first part of the week. I mean, concentrate on work as much as you can when your old ruler dude planet is doing its patented tailspin. Then, as the week progresses, you will find that your attention span needs to drift towards more homey things, like sprucing up around the old ranch homestead trailer house thing. It's like this: go to work on Monday, and then come home and spend the rest of the week at home amusing yourself and whoever happens to stop because a Gemini is 1] never alone and 2] always entertaining.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Suppose an artist shows up at your front door, what do you do? Buy them some pizza. This is a Zen riddle for modern times which makes more sense to Cancers this week. Approach the week like a Zen master and try to enjoy the sound of one hand clapping. Or buying pizza for an artist. Or, mediate on the bearings in an outboard motor which desperately needs a little oil. That's whine you are a lot more familiar with. The machinery in your life needs some attention, and fast, too.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Also: I'm not doctor, and I don't play one on TV, but you need to do something about that persistent cough. If you don't do something now, it could turn into a nasty cold. Listen to me, I'm nagging you like I was your mother or something. That's terrible. Anyway, once the cold goes away, which it will, you should have a fine week. I recommend hot tea and plenty of vitamins.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Now that the little evil one is securely in a dirt sign, you ought to be feeling the effects of this miserable time. Mercury ain't retrograde yet, but you can feel it already. So much for the bad news. Now it gets worse: there is a little observed phenomena about to enter into your sign: the North Node, and this brings work. Lots of busy work. While this might be troublesome for an average sign, you will enjoy being busy again. Look forward to an increase in activity. You did check the suggested reading list didn't you?

Libra [9/24-10/23]: The problem we have this week is that the good nature of an average Libra is being sorely put upon by the ill-mannered other signs. In fact, the other guys are doing their very best to upset you, and you are letting them get away with it right now. In fact, you keep letting them get away with it right now. You will find that your boiling point is rapidly approaching critical mass. My suggestion is to get some good crawdads and have a party. You probably won't, but it was certainly worth a try to diffuse some of that angst.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Here in fashionable Austin, Texas, home of FGS World Headquarters, we have been able to determine that Scorpio is not the meanest sign in the zodiac. In fact, this is a popular misconception shared by many astrologers. No, Scorpio's are merely intense, and that's the source of this agony. In fact, most Scorpio's are so intense that they feel like the rest of the world is pretty shallow. What's this got to do with this week? Your Scorpio stare will find itself gazing up to someone this week, a guru. Or fishing guide. Or similar personage. Go ahead, you might learn something.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Here at FGS World Headquarters, we have been able to determine that this is the exact week that you should embark on your new advanced scientific search for life on other planets. Maybe other worlds. In other words, this is a good week to get out the model rocket kit, fashion up a new toy or two, and blast away with the best of the rocket scientists. You are heading for a major break-through if you don't have a major break-down.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: The sun is about to leave lovely Capricorn this week, and it does so with a big bang, hitting a couple of major planets on its way out. How will this affect you? I'm so glad you asked--I've whined and cajoled you about money plans, I've warned and whipped you with ideas, and now is the time for all the good stuff to happen. It's sort of like sitting in bass boat at 4:00 AM on Saturday morning with the spray hitting you in the face as you cruise along at a high rate of speed. You are finally getting some where.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Say "hello" to the beginning of a rather disconcerting week for Aquarius. I mean, it's like you've got all sorts of stuff bubbling up from the bottom of your own personal lake, and you can't make any sense out of it. You keep trying to impose order on something that refuses to have order imposed on it. Forget it all this week--the only true yield comes from your subconscious and you are unable to deal with that. Your fishing buddies might look askance and edge away from you if you were to pull out a Tarot deck to plot a place to fish for the weekend. Then again, they are used to your weird antics.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: here at FGS World Headquarters, through years of painstaking scientific research and close personal observation, not to mention empirical observations garnered from the many road trips, let me warn you about the upcoming week: nothing untoward is going to happen to you. You'll want to play a lot this week, and when the weekend gets here, you'll want to lay about the house like some old couch potato. Just try to limit your intake of cheese fries because those can have an adverse affect on your waistline.

Week of: January 6 - 12

That wishing well had not a body in't,
Which might be felt; that we, the poorer born,
Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes,
Might with effects of them follow our friends,
And show what we alone must think, which never
Returns us thanks.

Helena from Shakespeare's All Well That Ends Well (Act I, scene i)

Poor old Helena, carping about being poorer born. What do the stars say?

Aries [3/23-4/20]: That's getting the new year off to a bang, now isn't it? As the party season winds down, and as Mercury winds up, you are "in your face" confronted with a certain lack of communication with other folks in your life that you find important. Like fishing buddies who refuse to wake up in time to catch best predawn time to fish. Just as a consolation, ever try night fishing? A good lantern, a warm jacket, some bait, and little time? Might be just the trick to get you out of your rut.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: The problem you face this week has a simple solution: shut up. As with all Mercury Retrograde times, communication seems to have fallen on hard times and deaf ears. Mostly the deaf ear thing. There's a county in West Texas called Deaf Smith, and that sure fits the way you are getting treated this week. Since you now know that this is a minor planetary influence, don't sweat it. Those folks in West Texas don't sweat it, so you shouldn't.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The good news is that you are, indeed, a flighty Gemini and, as such, to wit, per se, this is a good enough time for you despite the obvious problem with your little ruler, the speedy (Mercury) one doing his back sliding trick. Mercury really isn't that much of a slacker, and neither are you. In fact, this isn't going to be the usual miserable time associated with Retrograde status because Mars is halfway (actually one third) across sky lending you all sort of new and fresh energy. You have the zip and pep of new outboard motor, now just pick one direction and you'll fell a lot better.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: The new year just hasn't been too kind to you, now has it? It just keeps going from bad to worse, doesn't it? No matter what you do, there seems like there is this terrible opposition to your almighty schemes top get out of the rut your in. Heed my advice, oh great mighty Cancer: chill out. It's really too cold in most parts of the civilized world to be getting out and attempting to get ahead in the world right now, so just cool it. Chill. Take a breather. Catch five. Or hang ten: go to the coast, get a wet suit, and try surfing.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: All that romance which has been buzzing around like a persistent fly seems to dry up this week. I would recommend that you turn your attention to certain domestic chores like house repair and maintenance. In other words, get the tires on the trailer checked for air pressure because it looks like the universe is fixing to send you on a little trip soon enough, and you'll want to be able to move fast. Just not this week, but soon enough. Have you found that you have a nagging sore throat thing this week?

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Look at me Virgo: there. Now that I have your attention, let me know what it is that is bothering you so. Better yet, let me tell you what is bothering you: Mercury is retrograde, and that's making life a little difficult right now because you have witnessed an increase in your drive and desire to make more money. So you have the motivational planet Mars pulling you one way, and Mercury, your ability to communicate these ideas, holding you back. Coming or going, you're not to sure which way is up this week. Reminds me of Corvair.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Well, you'll be thinking of phrases like "dynamic self-assertion," and "empowered activity" and the people around you will be thinking "new age boob head." The deal is this: you have the courage to forge ahead this week despite the usual caveats from planetary sources. The problem is sharp objects, whether that's real or imagined, like power tools are not a good thing this week, and neither is the rapier like wit of Scorpio inflamed. What's that one snake flag say, "Don't tread on me"? You have been advised to keep it cool this week despite your best desires to the contrary.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: There's this interesting planetary THING which neither astrologers or astronomers have been observing for very long, and this thing is making a visit to Scorpio. sit back, enjoy the ride, it's going be a an interesting couple of years. This chunk of ice and dirt ("that giant dirt ball in the sky") brings good news as well as a few lessons. Me? I keep thinking I've learned all my lessons, but it looks like you've still got a few in store. Get ready for some interesting times ahead.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: The week begins with a terrific combination for change, it's that power pair of Pluto and the Moon. From rage to harmony, in less time than it takes most cars to from zero to 60. The good news is that there is certain homing instinct which kicks in to save you by the end of the week. But I would never, ever suggest that a Sage needs saving. It's a good week to look for a fish finder, too.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Hunker down is about the only thing I can say to you Cappy's this week. There isn't a whole lot of other advice which really makes a lot of sense to you. You might care to remember that this isn't a good week to barricade yourself in a TRAILER HOUSE, either because trailer houses have a way attracting tornadoes. something about atmospheric conditions, high winds and aluminum siding that seems to affect Nature's primordial urges. And, as far as barricading yourself, if the Feds don't come after you,then the weather will turn on you. It's just all them little planets up in the sky, nothing really that serious.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: A good fisher Person pays attention to the ebb and flow of the tide, as well as the phase of the moon for fishing. There is a whole series of scientific documents which track the corollary between moon phases and fishes' behavior. I would suggest that this is good week to indulge in a little research on your own about this field of study because it will yield a good catch for the weekend.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Frugal is a key word for this week. Reminds me of a story: A second grade teacher told her class to use the word frugal, which means to save, in a short story. The next day, the Pisces came to class and shared his story. There was a princess drowning in a stream, and charming knight came along. The princess cried out, "Frugal me! Frugal Me!" So the knight in shining armor saved her, and then he frugaled her a lot. Now, does this story sound familiar?

Week of: December 30 - January 5
There's this strange club in Abilene (Texas) that starts the first of the year out by water skiing. Even in freezing temperatures, this group gather on Jan. 1, every year, to bring in the New Year with quite a splash. Know of any other good traditions like WATER SKIING IN THE DEAD OF WINTER? Let Mr. Editor-Dude know at BenBubba@aol.com.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Rendezvous with destiny. Actually, that should be Destiny with a "D". It's the fated time, the karmic time, and all that other folderol. You've got a busy, busy year ahead for you, and I reckon that's the good news, and if I had any more good news for you, I would tell you. I'd be a little more careful than usual on the big night because what you want to do and what every one else wants to do might not line up. Fireworks are okay for the big night, but guns are not a hot idea. You don't want to celebrate the New Year downtown in a county facility, do you?

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: With the start of the New Year, I just have one little pesky question: "Do you REALLY, REALLY believe in what you are doing?" It's not just me asking this question -- this becomes a central theme from a lot of folk around you. And with the New Year and its fresh start craze, lots of them folks are going to be asking you this very question. Or one just like it. If the answer is "Yes, Mr. FGS Astrology guy," then I wouldn't worry about anyone at all dissuading you from your chosen date with Destiny. But if you have questions, I might just warn you to look out as friends and family keep charging at Tao with their inane questions.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Oh no, it's the "party too much" syndrome this week. As a good Gemini, you want to be everywhere for everybody. All the parties. You want to get out and do it all. The problem is that there just isn't enough time to get it all done. Knowing that you will be faced with certain limitations this week ought to help you, though, because you will now understand the basic concept that it's a lot harder to get off the bull than getting on....

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: you got two big things to watch out for this week. One them is making a fool of yourself New Years' Eve. It would be one of the best times to get really stupid drunk, a darkly comic thing itself, and do something really entertaining like get a haircut to match what most of the kids are doing these days. The problem with that is called waking up and looking in the mirror (and realizing you've got an ugly haircut to start the new year at work). The other thing, and this pains me, but don't follow any soothsayers advice on investments, and I know how tempting that new boat is right now.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Be happy because it's a another holiday p[arty time. I would just caution you about too much irresponsible behavior this week. It's a lazy time for you, but as the New Year wears on, you will find that there are some domestic changes which need to be made. New shag carpet (burnt orange is a color suggestion) would be good. There will be some last minute changes as far as your plans for the big party night goes, too, so be advised that I would think twice about what you're planning to do. Be a little more receptive to some last minute changes, like water skiing to bring in the new year.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: The good news is that as soon as the new year kicks off, you're set to come out of the chute just like a bull who has been goosed with a high voltage electronic cattle prod. By the time the week is unfolding, you are off and running with all sorts of new ideas about how to make money and effect some extremely cool changes at work. Fashion tip this week: get a new haircut to show that you are ready for the new year. Maybe a new uniform for work, too.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Say "Hello" to mars this week, and he brings a double dose of high energy as the year begins to unfold. You will find that you feel activated, and this will be mirrored with lots of coming and going type of activity. When the first weekend of the new year gets here, get prepared for the upcoming fishing season. If you haven't spruced up the old boat, now is the time to tend to all the little details which need attending to...

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Fresh romance in your life? Did you start something new on New Year's Eve by looking someone special in the eye (with that Scorpio piercing gaze) and ignite a flame? Or fire up the old flame? In either case, your love life is off to good start on the new year, and partnerships of all kinds are favored this week. Or they will be. I mean, it's a good time to start fishing for a new fishing partner, forming an alliance to to win more bass tournaments this year. You can do it.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: I really hate to rely on the hackneyed expressions of foreign travel, but that's been good this time, and it only looks better and better. I would lay low, though for the big night, and do your dead level best to stay out of trouble. As the this weeks starts to unfold, you need to turn your undivided attention to making money. In a big way. Lots of money. Concentrate hard. Get the idea machine flowing, put in the thinking cap, map a strategy to to take over the world. The first weekend of the new year is a great time for you to plan and scheme and connive.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You've got Mercury Retrograde on your happy self right now, and that means, for those of you born in January, that the year is going to be full of untimely surprises. An untimely surprise is something that shows up when you really don't want it to, like catching a turtle when there is a game warden following you closely. although Sea Turtle makes an ideal boat, the poor turtles need their home just as much you do. Don't pick on endangered species this week.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: you've never been known for living high on the idea of domestic bliss, whatever that is, and this is a good week for a certain amount of "adjustment" at home. Or on the home front. Or in the trailer. Whatever you want to call it. The old relationship thing is heating up again, and that's going to bring you certain amount of joy in your life, kind of like catching the biggest fish instead of telling "the biggest fish that got away" stories. You don't have to rely on the fishing guide's great universal law: "You should've been here yesterday." Nope, not this week.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: The "less than blissful" relationship thing that has been going on, and probably interfered with some of your holiday merry making has taken a turn for the better. Now, the way I see them stars, it could either be a new boat, a new fishing partner, or just a new battery for the trolling motor, but I'll say the odds are pretty good that it will be one of those e three, and that the new item will certainly be a much better replacement part for the one that's gone away. Happy now?

Week of: December 23-29

Aries [3/23-4/20]: I would hope that you could be a little more adaptable this week. That's a polite way of saying there are going to be some quick, last minute changes this week. I would keep the whole week open for putting together toys which require "some assembly." Maybe not small child toys either, but big toys for big boys. Looks like power tools are important this week, too. Have a merry Xmas!!

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: There's been a running theme for about the last week or so, and it really continues on into this holiday week as your telephone become veritable fountain of knowledge. Some one has a great plan for some new way for you to get rich quick, and this is a scheme which might just work really, really well. Caution? None. Blaze ahead. Have a merry Xmas!!

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: There is a new relationship in the air. Or maybe an old romance which is getting all fired up again. Things are looking good for you. There is a touch of sentimental emotions as the beginning of the wee as you get misty eyed over some remembrance of Xmas past. Just don't the ghosts get you done. Have a merry Xmas!!

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: I only have one particular caution this week, as you head to the airport on Xmas Eve, don't forget the Xmas gifts for your family and friends. Of course, a new boat would be an ideal gift to give to your Astrologer, but let's not get too carried away. You should have the brightest of holidays if you don't forget the packages this year. Have a merry Xmas!!

Leo [7/23-8/23]: All of a sudden, your busy schedule has few openings in it. I wouldn't worry because this does not mean that your popularity is waning, not by the furthest stretch of the imagination. You will find there are some last minute gift items you need, and you had better leave a little extra time to run to the mall and join the crush of people there, just in the nick of time to get those last few items: a new minnow bucket, a life-sized portrait of Elvis, the usual stuff. Happy shopping. Have a merry Xmas!!

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: It's that last of the warnings before Xmas: be careful with the wrapping paper. Look here: a chainsaw is really not the best way to cut paper for Xmas gift wrapping. What I'm trying, politely as possible, to tell you is that you should be a little more careful than usual when using cutting implements. And watch out when it comes time to carve the Xmas feast turkey--I don't want you getting hurt with one of those electric carving knives. Have a merry Xmas!!

Libra [9/24-10/23]: If you are not too careful this week, my fine Libra friend, you will find yourself in that position favored by so many deer in Texas: frozen in the headlights of an oncoming pickup truck. In order to prevent the logical conclusion of this scenario, I would recommend action. Any kind of action. The problem is you will feel like you've got one foot stuck in a big old morass of mud and this feeling might impede your forward progress. Just do something. Have a merry Xmas!!

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: With all the pejorative influences gone, and I mean completely gone, you Scorpio's ought to be having a high time of the holidays by now. You've got nothing but good luck and good fortune in your corner of the sky. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find a new fishing pole or even the keys to a new bass boat under the old Xmas tree for you. Have a merry Xmas!!

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: I know how much you love to travel, and this holiday season is no different. I would look forward to a chance to expand your horizons, but if you're not too careful, then you might be expanding something else, like your waistline. The problem is that you have a definite affinity for sweets this season. Like I suggested, concentrate on expanded horizons, not expanded waistlines. Have a merry Xmas!!

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: I can sympathize a little about having a birthday on a holiday, or so near a holiday, so this is a happy B-Day to all the Cappy's with this blessing/curse. You've been such a flurry of activity lately that I don't have a lot to add, just slow down and enjoy the holiday a little. Watch the driving as you are a little more prone to fender benders this week since you seem so preoccupied. Have a merry Xmas!!

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: You should be having a lovely go of it this week! I mean, there is nothing awful lurking in your sky at all. Nothing. In fact, I would look forward to a slight increase in work as the big day gets closer, and then, a long and relaxing time afterwards. Have a merry Xmas!!

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Have a merry Xmas!!

Week of: December 16-22

Aries [3/23-4/20]: While everyone else is listening to Xmas music and Christmas Carols, you might want to dig out something with a little more backbone, and I'm not talking about any of this new fangled country rock stuff, either. Something with a definite beat, perhaps an order and structure to it all, like a Marching Band. With lots of drums. Or the Overture to 1812, or whatever that thing is called, you know, the one with the cannons in it. You have purpose, self determination, and even compassion this week. In fact, you're week looks so good, I just wish I knew more Aries.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: All of a sudden, you feel like getting up and going. In fact, this is what it's going to take for you to get out of the house, get motivated and finally make it down to the mall for Xmas time. Tis week changes, midstream, as it were, from being a slow and lethargic week to being a week full of last minute shopping, quick trips to the all night grocery store to pick up a few things, and some last minute deadlines at work. Ever feel like a sports car commercial? That's your pervasive sentiment this week.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Half birthdays are almost over with. A half birthday is when the Sun is opposite you in the sky, and that's probably the way you have felt this week: no matter what you've tried, everyone is opposing you right now (see how this astrology stuff works?) With all these walls and problems, you're not going to buy it when I suggest that you are at a remarkable turning point and this change has to do with your career. But you are, and it does. Consider that next step carefully because you have a chance to throw out some past mental furniture and start arranging the new stuff. Isn't this just the best time of the year?

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: You might want to look up some the stuff in Shakespeare's plays, the stuff from that quintessential Good Old Boy himself, Falstaff. What he had to say about labor, and his general attitude about work really supplies this week. In fact, his whole attitude is useful one to study at this time. To sum it all up: methinks that Falstaff was a redneck. And he had roots in the deep south

Leo [7/23-8/23]: This big old happy fire sign thing is lending you lots of useful energy, but Bubba, in the cosmic scope of life, anything which is lent to you has to be paid back. I would consider that thought as you go merrily along, making the most of these nice days, and wonderful winter nights. The days are shorter, yes, but the nights are longer and it's a great time to find your special snuggle bunny to help keep your toes toasty.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Ever watch a horse trainer work with an animal, especially a recalcitrant critter? Firm yet gentle and loving, all at the same time? Well, Bubba, that's the way things are going this week for you. You are that very animal trainer and you have to admit that the critters at work have been a bit unruly as of late. You need to be firm, yet a the same time, give these guys some sugar because they have been good. Well, maybe not that good, but they do have great possibilities. You will that your angry outburst only serve to rile them up. Try a different approach and be assured of success.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: The sun is just moving into the Tropical Zodiac sign of Capricorn. This means it's time for your three month update. Examine yourself, and pay extra special attention to your fishing buddies because you need to see a reflection of yourself in the friends that you keep. I would watch the self-restraint right now. Seems like you want to spend too much money on buying stuff for everyone. That's not the idea of the season of giving. You need a little extra time to think about some of the things you want get for folks. Consideration is important here.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Okay, Scorpio, listen up: this is a good week to start by cleaning out your closets at home. The deal is this: with you secretive nature, you might find some extra gifts that are lurking in the back of the closet, something you bought and put away for this time of the year. Failure to clean out your closets will result in some spectacular but late Xmas gifts. This is a just a friendly reminder from your favorite astrologer, and yes, this does look like a good week.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: You get the royal treatment for a day or two, at the beginning of the week. That's the good news. Then look for some exciting sexual escapades later in the week, like something really bold and daring, maybe doing something naughty in a place where you shouldn't. And I hope you don't take this too literally, either. Then as the approach of Yule is felt, you feel more relaxed.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: the week ends with he official start of Capricorn as we face the shortest day of the year. Everyone else complains about how dour a Cappy is, but I would point out to your detractors that the days start getting longer as soon as Capricorn starts. Just a little bit of astrological trivia for you, and some hope. You've got a most exciting week coming up because there are many surprises for you under the tree (or whatever your tradition dictates).

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: This is another good week for lots of happiness in the old family trailer house. I mean, going back to the trailer park, seeing Mom and Dad, and your extended family, all that is a good thing right now. You will feel like the old bond is is back. No, I don't mean James Bond, I mean that old glue which held you all together for so long. The trip back to the trailer is momentous and looks like it will be a bag load of fun, if you just relax a little, take you shoes off and sit a spell.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: The deal is this -- you start out the week with the best of intentions and plans to make sure that you don't have any last minute shopping left to do. But, as usual, there will always a be a Bubba or two on the list who gets forgotten. Now, you can either use the good start you got at the beginning of the week to carry you forward, or, as the the day gets closer, you can freak out from the pressure. Just calm yourself with a little bit of egg nog, and let the other people worry about getting a present for Bubba. You can always order an astrology report from, for that last minute delivery...

Week of: December 9-15

Aries [3/23-4/20]: There's this one episode of "Three's Company" where everything is fine until Mr. Roper and Jack have a MISUNDERSTANDING, and that little problem is a set up for the whole show. Isn't it interesting how sitcoms resemble real life these days? Of course, I wouldn't suggest that you Aries types take this too far, no, there is very little in your chart to suggest that your life would resemble some golden age television program. But you do want to get things wrapped up in short time, and you will probably feel like Jack in that one episode. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: You start out a moody week, sort of like a castaway on some deserted island. In fact, I'm thinking of a theme song from that show, something about being a cast away because you, my fine Taurus friend, is just like all those castaways right now. You're sitting there, thinking about the upcoming holiday, and that long list of gifts you need to get, and then you think to yourself, "Self, why bother? It's just TOO MUCH trouble top get out in the hectic holiday traffic and battle with these TOADS....." Don't despair this is immediate relief in sight. By this weekend, you will feel like your old appetite and zest for life has returned.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Do you ever feel like you life is starting to resemble a bad rerun of some late 60's television show? Predictable conflict, predictable ending, predicable cigarette commercials? There are those who would suggest that there is a fine order to the Universe and that every event was preordained. Is it true? Heavy stuff to think about before Xmas when everyone else is out abusing credit cards. But it does give one pause to think. Grab a fishing pole because ruminating is important this week.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV, and fortunately, this is a Texas. Near as a I can tell, what with all that you've got going on right now, I just thought I would offer a little bit of legal advice: second cousin is still legal in these parts. Consider the time with the family at the holidays as a chance to check out some of yore family for a potential date. All still legal in Texas, Arkansas and parts of Louisiana. Yeppers, that's what you'll be doing at the family Xmas party this week.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: The big day is approaching and by now, you should have just about every night of the week booked solid with social functions. The problem is that you don't feel real assertive these days. Not that it's too much of a problem, either, and you self discipline is also a little relaxed. Trying to corral yourself into work after a long night of holiday merrymaking is going to be a bit tough. Remember to do something nice for all of your buddies who you fish with.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: My dear Virgo. Sweet and DELICATE Virgo. Mars is still an influence on you right now. The good news is energy. The down side of this is that Mars rules sharp objects and you should definitely be extra careful when cleaning and gutting fish. Those long, sharp knives could slip and hurt you, if you are not careful. The other problem that is associated with this is cars. Mars and cars. Something about you wanting a new red truck for Xmas. Think twice when you're sitting on Santa's lap, and remember that this is choice you will have to live with for two years.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: This is just about the last of the stuff that I've got to say about relationships, family affairs, and that sort of thing. Soon enough, life hits a stable period which is long overdue. But for right now, that Xmas tree has a few packages under it just for you. Special things, and I'll bet, as good as your intuition is right now, that you don't even need to shake the package to know what is in it. Don't ruin Xmas for the giver, though, keep those secrets to yourself.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Venus and the Moon conspire to give you a boost in your energy and appreciation of all the good things in life. I would watch out for that holiday food,m though,as a some of the stuff which is so rich might just upset your delicate internal organs. Remember this simple rule: Sushi is a food group and shouldn't be confused with live bait. sushi is found in a restaurant and live bait in a minnow bucket. Big difference. And lobsters, those things are nothing more than crawfish on steroids. It's all good eating, but watch the rich foods.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: This is just about the last of Sagittarius birthdays, so be nice. In certain schools of astrology (question, is an Astrology School anything like a school of fish?), birthday weeks are considered to be hazardous. With that in mind, and the fact that your luck runs along the lines of "get rich quick schemes," I would exercise caution when involved in travel. Doesn't mean don't do it, just be careful. Keep yourself on your toes, and on the lookout for cartoonish freak accidents, like safes dropping out of the sky to go "kerplunk" on your head. You might feel like the Road Runner this week.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You will find this is another one of "those" weeks. There is just entirely too much to do, and there is entirely too little time to do it. The number of astrological influences on you are great, from the Little One (Mercury) to the Lucky Star (Jupiter) to the Giant Mystery (Neptune) you are going to be feeling it, one way or another, this week. Your ability to have dreams and fantasies about world peace is high this week. You're ability to earn extra income is also high, but probably tempered by unrealistic dreams. And with Mercury in there stirring it all up, I'll bet you can't shut up. At this time of the year, as we all get ready for the holidays, a little discretion on your part would certainly help go a long way. Remember, you've got a birthday coming up soon....

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Look, my fine Aquarius friend, your sign is never associated with being the sign of the red hot lover. It's not that you aren't, or anything, it's just not a common position for an Aquarius. Now, the deal is this, like Leo, and Scorpio, you have a strong stellar influence from the social activity sector of the sky. And you have a strong ability to sway others about you, too. In fact, you can do just about anything you want this week. The one caution in all this: don't get involved in too many affairs of the heart at once. It could backfire, like an old truck with mechanical flatulence.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Your week coming up reminds me of an old "Scooby Doo" episode. It was the one where Scooby saw the ghost first (which turned out to be old Mr. Something Or Other), and it wasn't until later that they were able to uncover the whole thing. Anyway, if you know any Scooby links on the web, send them to "BenBubba@aol.com" and he'll decide if they are good, and then, he'll send me your name and birthday, and you'll get a free "El Basico" chart report from me. So go and find those Scooby links, and try to remember which episode I was talking about.

Week of: December 2 - 8

"This is excellent foppery of the world, that
when we are sick in fortune-often the surfeits of our
own behavior-we make guilty of our diasters the
sun, moon, and stars, as if we were the vilians on
necessity, fools by heavenly complussion, knaves,
theives, and treachers by spherical predomninace,
drunkards, liars, and adulterers by an enforc'd obediance
of planetary influnece, and all we are evil
in, by divine thrusting on."

Edmund in King Lear (I.ii.121-9).

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Some astrologer's talk about a "critical degree" like there was degree which was more important than another degree. That's not too important right now, but the idea that there is a planet at a critical point is important. Saturn has been slowing down for a while now, and after remaining rock-steady for a few days, this fellow is going cause a lift off. It's like rising up into the sky on a Space Shuttle. So with Saturn leaving its impression all over you, it's time to for rearranging some mental furniture. The holidays are here, have some fun, too!

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: If at all possible, get out your tackle box while everyone is gathered around for the shopping season. Get caught looking as forlorn as possible while gazing at your meager collection of bass lures. Complain and sigh a lot about the fact no one ever seems to give you the right (#10) hooks for your trot line. Even a new minnow bucket would be nice, with one of those mesh jobs so you could set it in the lake. After all your theatrical ministrations and gyrations, you will find that the holidays will bring you much loot -- but you have to let your desires be known.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The last of the conflict about the family relationship thing is over with. Or it will be soon. Then you have lots of smooth sailing ahead. Get ready to head out onto the calm waters of the shopping mall as you engage in one of the best American sports ever: retail at Xmas time. While your at it, I could use some new gear myself....

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: It's not like you you normally walk around with an inflated sense of self. It's not like this is theme which seems to be happening again and again. But I would have a tendency to warn you about certain things which are not considered in good taste. Does the expression "going on a cruise" mean anything to you? You do have travel plans coming, yes, but taking your significant other down to Dairy Queen might not be the right idea for "going on a cruise."

Leo [7/23-8/23]: This week, much like you, roars in, and the frenetic energy of the holidays sweeps you away. There are some things I would like to warn you about, though, like overeating before the holidays get here. Especially this week. I know, "Tis the Season" and all that rot, but you might want to consider a diet this week, just so you can be in great shape for the coming season of merry making. You do know that your busy social calendar is getting filled up early this season? Good or bad, you still get a list of events that you simply "must" go to. Lucky you.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: I always like getting presents from Virgo's because the paper is usually recycled, but it is carefully recycled. And it's usually something that I forgot to get for myself: toilet bowl cleaner, abrasives for scrubbing, something about "grout." If you are shopping for that special someone, just remember that you want to give a gift that keeps on giving, long after the Xmas season is over. Like a good scrubber. But be careful with the scissors. As Pink Floyd would say, "Careful with that Ax, Eugene."

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Have I ever tried to sell you my plan on how to get unspeakably wealthy though astrology? Looking at your planets for the coming week, I should really try to interest you in my scam, I mean, plan. The problem is, I haven't perfected it myself, but I would guess that you could figure it out and get back to me on how I can make lots of money. You should be making lots of money, too.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Remember "Gilligan's Island"? And remember that one episode where they almost got rescued but then, at the last minute, Giligan screwed it all up? You will probably feel like there is Gilligan in your life right now, and that person is making everything difficult for you. Of course, life never really resembles anything you see on TV, so maybe this won't be a bad week, after all. Remember that one time on "The Love Boat" where Gopher screwed up this relationship....

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Did you ever watch Star Trek? No, not the new one, or any of the recent spinoffs, I mean the original one, with Kirk and Spock, and lord only knows what else. The idea of boldly going where no one has been before appeals to you. In fact, you will be tempted to run half way across the globe right because it's a little hard to out of the gravity well so far. Global expansion plans are in the forefront this week as you start on a long an arduous journey. Must be Xmas time in the air. don't you hate having a birthday so close to Xmas?

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Your life, right now, resembles the Beaver from that favorite series "Leave it to Beaver." Seems like you could really use Ward and June to come along right now and straighten everything out. Think how nice it would be. Cookies and milk at the end of the show with a happy resolution, all done in less than half an hour. Well, on the real side of life, plan on leaving Santa Clause a package of Beef Jerky and some nice Jelly Donuts. Why worry about the Fat Man's health? The Beaver would worry about it, and Ward and June would just say that it is so.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: You get thrown into the limelight this week as some events manage to drag you from your wing position to center stage, not to mix metaphors or anything. Get ready to strut your stuff in your hour upon the stage. Before you think that you are full of it, though, remember that this is a week wherein you feel good, and that you need to actively take action in order activate this actual energy. It is a good time to become more actualized. Get out there and be alert and alliterate.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Everybody else is winding up for the holidays and you are caught in some sort of deep blue funk. Look: the Nutcracker Suite is showing in your town. Or in a town near you. It's got to be. The Ballet, the Opera, the Symphony, the Musical, maybe even the Play. Whatever. At the very least, go out and rent the tape or buy the CD. Not this sort of music is always to your liking, it might not be. But you will feel a certain kinship to "the dance of the sugar plum fairies" right now.

Week of: November 25- December 1

Wish Kramer a happy solar return. You can fax him your best birthday wishes at 512/448-0970.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: That inexorable hand of fate keeps marching a little bit closer. You can feel it in the air, that cold and crisp autumn air, the leaves changing color, the days dwindling, the inevitable onslaught of cold and dark. Actually, you seem to have a much better outlook than most. You will find yourself humming strange songs at work, listening attentively, and, in general, being more helpful. This is a good sign because there is good stuff ahead for you. I've warned you before about getting too stuck in the wagon rut of life, especially right now when you need to be ready to jump up onto the Interstate.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: I know you hate it when I suggest we turn your Taurus attention towards the old office place. The deal is this, my fine friend with great taste, you will find that you need to expend a certain amount of energy in getting affairs at work (remember, that's where your money comes from) in order. Now, that's an old cliche, but the idea is sound: try tacking up some new artwork at your office. I strong;y recommend something tasteful and demure down on black velvet which would mean this is a good time to shop at a garage sale or the flea market. Some new art work at work: you'll enjoy the change. "Dogs Playing Poker" is always a welcome relief. Or a life size picture of the King.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Gemini, dear Gemini, please be so kind as to work on being a little more diplomatic when dealing with your family this week. You have strong feelings and desires, it's just that you ideas are running afoul of every one else this week. Try to be a little less pointed and a little less strident when you are talking to people. You don't need to hurt them that much, especially not with a pointed wit -- in certain sport fishing circles, it's considered good form to take the barb off the hook. You might try that this week, too.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: It looks like it is cult week for Cancers. I would be wary of anyone who promises that they have a cure for all your spiritual needs, unless of course, that person is a really good astrologer who would never ever steer you astray. You are very much on little bit of a trip right now, and the only nlky caution that seems appropriate is to make sure you don't a have a trophy buckle bigger than your head.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Look at it this way, dear Mighty Leo: all the other stuff is kicking around in Fire Signs which means that your own passion is further heightened. What this means is that you are alive with a burning sensation, and I don;t think the local drugstore has an immediate cure. Actually, the problems are less with digestion and more with this passion thing, that feeling of greatness which all Leo's are born with. I would expect Destiny and Fate to be serving you up some good Thanksgiving Day dinners. No Turkey TV Dinners for you this week.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Will power seems to be a good source of trouble this week. In other words, your will power and the other person's drive gets confused. I would take a moment, if I were in your boots, to consider what direction you are running off in. In fact, I would make a serious consideration about what that other person might be feeling in light of what you are doing to him or her. Then again, on the other side of the overused coin cliche, you do have a wonderful sense of energy this week. Ever water ski barefoot? You might want to try that this week, behind the old bass boat.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: You are feeling a little sneaky this week, and if you are a good Libra (there is no such thing as a bad one, really), then you have some plans for the coming holidays which you haven't hatched yet. Get all those little duck in a row, to overuse yet another cliche expression because you are in fine shape this week. I would also suggest that this would be a good week for refinancing the bass boat. Yes sir, this is a good time for getting those pesky little details in order, like working out a second mortgage so you can have your dream boat.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Scorpio, you are scaring me right now. You have this gleeful look on your face, and you see nothing but hope for the foreseeable future. In other words, all that happy stuff I suggested about year ago is finally starting to happen. It really did start a year ago, but your "wait and see" attitude has finally paid off. So are some deals that you have been hammering out this week. You will really, really enjoy Thanksgiving day.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: You have probably been hearing a persistent and annoying ringing in your ears. This shouldn't be too much trouble, although you you might want to claim that' this phenomenon is like the "Taos Hum." It isn't. There is just a lot of romance running through you personal sky right now, and there are a lot of birthdays going on. And that ringing in your head, as much as you would like to think that it's the result of getting thrown from a horse (and landing on your head) it probably has a more mundane location and cause.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You are not going to let the stress of being around the whole damn family interfere with your happiness this week. Listen to the strange music inside your head: the body may be present but the mind is obviously gone on a little vacation. Of course, there are a few Cappy's who are going to be on an actual vacation right now, and those few, those lucky few, shouldn't be having any trouble whatsoever. It's the poor numbers who have to share time with their families that are going to experience some trauma. It's nothing new: you are used to it by now, I mean, it is your family. How many Elvis impersonators are going to be at the dinner table Thursday?

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: I realize that you feel pretty invincible now. There is no goal too lofty for you to attain. There is no mountain to high for you to climb. Impossible odds make you scoff in derision. This is all fine and dandy, but just remember this old Texas saying: ain't no tree too big for a little dog to lift his leg.... I would be careful of little dogs coming around and "lowering" your expectations and goals for you.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Okay, dear Pisces friend, work with me on this: taxes. No, this isn't a pun about the largest unfrozen state in the U.S., this is a hint about things to come.... while everyone else is enjoying a nice little nap in front of the TV, you should be getting all your paperwork ready for your accountant. If you don't have a good accountant, let me know, I can always recommend one to you. And why the rush for the end of the year season? Trust me -- you're going to be very busy soon.

Week of: November 18-24

"A marriage always seems like a good idea when you're about to commit one." Martin Warshaw in Bruce Sterling's recent (and quite good) novel, "Holy Fire." [NY: Bantam, 1996. p. 9]

Aries [3/23-4/20]: This whole work-money-fishing thing that you've got going on gets pushed more and more this week. There is an incredible pressure coming from the heavens which would indicate this is a good time to ask your boss for a raise. I mean, with the approaching holidays and all, you sure could use that extra cash, right? Better yet, even with all the credit card business in such disarray, you will probably get a new cad in the mail this week. Don't tear it up, either, just remember that it's only borrowed money.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: You start out the week with a strong concern for family obligations, and you end the week with much better perspective on what is going on. In fact, you will feel like some sort of weight has been lifted. Sort of like a friend showing up to help carry your emotional baggage. There, I hope that's good news because the week really does have many positive twists to it. Got your T-Day stuff all lined up? I hope so.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Gemini is not usual associated with being a stubborn sign, however, this week, it really feels like you have a stubborn streak which is going to show itself. Something about family obligations gets on your nerves. I wouldn't worry about, if you could just flip back to being the adaptable person that you are, then this little familial obligation won't bother you so much. Besides, what is family for in the first place? We're here to irritate you.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Clarity and single-mindedness of action, direction, all those good words which make you sound like you really know what you are doing this week -- that's what comes to mind. The only thing I would warn you about, and this is a trite expression from the old rodeo days, but "getting off the bull is a lot harder than getting on the bull." As long as you maintain you sense of direction, you won't feel too bad when you hit the dirt this week.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: This is a good week to argue. Now, before giving away information like that, I maybe I should explain: The lawyer star, the planet which benefit rhetoric (the art of persuasion) is lined up in a really nice way with you this week. So pick your words carefully, and then watch as you win all the arguments. Just remember that this is guaranteed, like I would like to make it for every Leo, it's just that you have a fortuitous arrangement in the sky right now which lends you all kinds of good stuff. It's like having a shiny new pick up truck!

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: There are certain things that you need to learn about, like: what's the difference between strong-minded, and being stupidly-stubborn? The old saying goes, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." The problem started out last week, and it gotten to the point where many people feel like it is way out of hand right now. Relax. Chill out. Step back and look at the big picture. Get some focus here. Where's your perspective? Can't you see what is really going on? If you answer no, I would have to wonder if you were just being stubborn.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Your are just no wrapping up a big project at work. That's one thing which is going on. The good news is that this brings in some cash. Now, the other thing which is going on is that you you an increased ability to communicate with siblings and family members. Looks like a party atmosphere, and you will find that your creative expression is is much favored. In plainer words: think about a new paint scheme for your beloved boat. Or plant some flowers in that old empty tire out in the front yard.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You get some much needed lifts in your energy level this week because Venus comes boot scooting into your sign towards the weekend. This means nice things are going to happen to you. I would look for small conflict of wills, though, as some other fixed signs (Taurus, especially) makes a little bit of trouble for you. Of course, under the loving light of Venus, you aren't quite so hostile this week. I don't recommend handguns, though, as a form of resolving differences.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: What a wonderful way to begin a birthday month! There is a great deal of "out with the old" attitude going on this week as the Sun and Pluto do a little tango. It's less of a tango that some highly ornate (and unrecognized) new jangled dance step which is a cross between break dancing and the Texas-Two step. Cement some new bonds this week, but be careful that these new bonds aren't like cement over shoes, if you know what I mean.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Intuition, those little voices in your head, are much sharper this week. Be careful, though, because if you get too many little voices in your head, or if you try to tell someone about the voices in your head, then you get to make a trip to see the head doctor, and all that doctor does is give the funny pills which make everything okay. You don't want to lose yourself, just because you were trying to tell some folks about he voices in your head. It's our secret and I won't tell.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Now, conventional astrology, which rarely applies to Aquarius, would have it that you starting out the week with a big bang, I mean, even late Sunday night you find your Monday morning is already here. Then it just progresses into a natural rhythm of where the cycles of love and hate get really close. It's like this: imagine yourself sitting in a bass boat with a good friend and fishing partner. Imagine that in less than 30 seconds this person has had the temerity to really piss you off. Now, in another 30 seconds, you feel nothing but love and compassion (in a platonic, fishing buddy way) for this person. Quite the cycle, isn't it? But wait, this just gets more pronounced throughout the week. Have a safe trip.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: I hate talking about these difficult times, but a few months ago, I told you to "get on the stick" about taking care of some important arrangements for the upcoming holiday. As usual, you didn't listen. If it wasn't for some (insurance calls it an "act of God" clause) heavenly help, you would be a in world of hurt right now. Actually, you are due for a long lost friend to show up and bail you out of this one. I wouldn't worry about it all. Not one little bit.

Week of: November 11-17

"If we shadows have offended/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumbÍred here/While these visions did appear."
Puck in Act V of Shakespeare's MidSummer's Night's Eve.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Last week you were yelling "Die Yuppie Scum" at fish in the lake. This week, you are favoring the thought of using automatic assault rifles to take a single deer, seeing as how it's deer season here. Imagine poor little Bambi, lined up in the sights of your Uzi or Mac-10, or an AK-47 with a big old banana clip in it holding thousands of rounds. What I'm trying to warn you desperate Aries about right now, what I'm trying to get you to do, is to stay away from overkill.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: I had to do a little research on this one, but what you, my poor Taurus friend, has lined up against you this week will feel like a little bit of everything. If you're not having problems with your lover, you might. and if it's not your lover, then it might be mother or father, and if it's not them it might other family members like brother or sister, and if it's not them, it could be your boss, or other employees. Just because some, or all, of these people will disagree with you this week is no reason to be paranoid. The effects of these various influences only at for a few days, at best (or worst). and I did you tell you about them so you can avoid the conflicts.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Gemini's are not particularly noted for their tenacity or, fox that matter, for their dedication. This isn't a condemnation, just casual observation. Instead, the vivacious Gemini is noted for being entertaining (never dull), and always on the go. The deal is this: this week, you find yourself a little more willing to dig into a particular subject, get a chance to deeply research a project, and maybe even develop some of the aforementioned missing tenacity. Then again, maybe not.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Clarity is coming for a brief visit. Better get the guest bedroom ready. This means that there will be a precious little bit of insight into some of the current trauma associated with work. Relief? Probably not. But the insight means that you can forge ahead with work, relived in knowing where the problems come from. Admitting there is a problem doesn't cure dudely squat, but it does get the cards on the table.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: In one of those e funny little faxes that gets sent around from office to office, there is a rule (Schultz's Speculation): "If you can't be right, be wrong at the top of your voice." Look, this is a mighty fine idea some of the time, but right now, it ain't. No matter how right you think you are, it would really be best this week if you were to restrain the bit about telling other people how right you are at the top of your voice. Authority figures, like men who were starched uniforms and aviator shades (and drive cars with little cherry lights on them), will pose you with problems. Make sure whatever hunting or fishing permit you use this week is up to date.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: You certainly have one of those weeks unfolding right now, don't you? Best possible advice while Mr. Mars is in your little section of the sky is to actively pursue romance. In other words, go out and chase someone you are interested in down. The key here is action. It's like the old lottery sales gimmick, "you can win if you don't play" so while you're at it, play a little. No, I'm not talking about the lottery, I'm talking about love. Romance. Fire up a an old flame, or start a new fire.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Poor Libra, to have this happen so soon after your birthday, too, but there is a little planetary lesson going on this week that has to do with self-sacrifice. Let me explain: a little bit of "giving up the good life" this week can yield ample rewards next week. In fact, you don't feel like giving up anything because her majesty, Venus, is in your sign pushing everyone of your hedonistic little buttons. But there is a reward for a week long period of abstinence from whatever vice it is: next week, you get to more than twice as much good stuff if you make the gesture towards a more pious lifestyle this week.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: This is actually the beginning a strong lunar phase for you, my dear and sweet Scorpio friend. The New Moon sets a pace for you for the next 228 days which is really strong. If you happen to have a birthday this week, drop me a line.... I want to hear about how good it is. You are at the beginning of a serious rebirth cycle. Bubba, go ahead and get that new motor for the boat because you've got a great season just ahead.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Speaking of great season ahead, looks like you are just now starting to see some major light at the end of major long tunnel, and there is hope for a lot of things that you've been waiting on. It's a harvest time for Sag. Reap what you have sown sort of thing. Like, remember when you had a chance to clear away some trash in the emotional backyard of last last summer? That clearing out of old stuff, getting rid of old baggage should begin to pay off now. In other words, you did the homework, now you can pass the test.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Ever get out on the lake when there is that light mist rising from the surface of the lake itself? Sort of a fog. You know, where the air is just a little cooler than the lake temperature, you get to see the water vapor forming its own little cloud, right there, early in the morning? Well, that's what it's like this week because you can see fog coming off the surface, and, in the same breath, you can see the same fog disappearing.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: At long last, you will finally feel like the rest of the family is listening to you. Unless, of course, you come from a family where everyone thinks that he or she (even the dog) is an Elvis Impersonator. Then you got trouble because Elvis impersonators always demand center stage. But, if your family is less normal, and there are fewer Elvis types, then you will find that you are attracting more than your fair share of the attention. Get them old domestic disputes in order. No need to have a retraining order sworn out on the old Mother In Law.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Okay, dear Pisces, I'm going to save you some money this week. Then, after I save you all that money, you can send me a portion of it because you listened to my sage advice. Is it a deal? Okay, no games of chance this week. No lottery. No bingo (Mama ain't going to like that one). No going to the slots on the Indian Reservation for a little bit of fun. This ain't the week for such things. Your luck has taken a brief vacation. Now thing about all that money I just saved you in bingo, and think about how I need a new boat....

Week of: November 4-10

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow

Aries [3/23-4/20]: This is a good week for you. The problem this week, is that you ever fun loving fishing partner is going to be a bit put off his minnow bucket because it seems like you have stern, serious streak running through your body this week. It's all business to you. "Die Yuppie Scum!" might not be quit the correct battle cry when tossing a line into the lake. I'd tell you to lighten up, but that's not going happen this week.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: It's your half birthday time, a quaint tradition going back to the college days, when you get to celebrate the fact that you are six months older. In astrological terms, it';s a turning point for you because the Sun is opposite you, and this means you are going to assess yourself, your goals, and the direction you have taken since your birthday. One of the ills of modern society is that it does not properly address this important event, the half birthday, and it will seem like you are face to face with overwhelming opposition right now. Just when you thought it was going to be a fine climactic moment, too.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Ever feel like you've got burr under your saddle? How about a piece of pea gravel in your sock? How about SEVERAL pieces of annoying pea gravel in your sock? That's what this week is like for you. Several annoying events just sort of work themselves under your skin, and, if you are not too careful, these annoying little events will get to you. Now, I've warned you about the minor annoyances, so what are YOU going to do about it?

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: It's another one of those weeks when I should be talking about stability and structure for you. But alas, the planets have fallen into "evil disarray" and because of that, there isn't a wonderful outlook. since I hear from some many Cancers, though, I will offer this little nugget of good information: the rapidly approaching lunar phase will benefit you this weekend. We call it "target acquisition" and once you've got that fish in sight, get ready to set the hook and reel that sucker in.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Relief should be on it's merry little way this wee. You start out the week on a good note (at least you should), and then events just sort of build in your favor for the next couple of days. It was as if you could do no wrong. And if you do manage to offend some one, try spouting a little Shakespeare back at them--the bit from Puck. Your normal, jovial attitude is back.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: I always remember what Mark Twain said in his novella "PuddÍnhead Wilson" wherein the main character has a calendar full of pert and pithy sayings: "When angry, count four; when very angry, swear." Virgo, my dear friend, learn some new anatomical suggestions for this week. Colorful language and counting to four will help ease some of your frustrations this week as a couple of angry planets make angry angles which result in your being angry. The good news is that this anger is quick to pass.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Plan on entertaining as much as possible this week. In fact, it's a great week to play host to some event. Your usual gregarious nature is even more so this week. Another way to look at this, is what good time it is to find new and creative outlets that you want to explore. You're sexy this week, you feel like a million bucks, and life just couldn't be any easier. I would, of course, caution you about over indulgences, especially in the eating area. In other words, "all you can eat" catfish fry places ain't such a hot idea this week, but that stuff sure is good.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You are going to be faced with some upsetting changes in your daily routine. Now, change is usually considered a good thing, but Scorpio, for all your nice qualities, is a Fixed Sign and hence, just a tad on the stubborn side. It's not that you are resistant to change, no, you just don't like it when it's not your own idea. Okay, the way this plays is out that someone suggests a change, like an editorial change, in the first part of the week. Later in the week, you have your own idea (probably REAL similar) and then, by the weekend, you are ready to implement the change. See? It all works out for the best.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: The happy archer isn't so happy this week as a few things seem to line up against you. No matter what you try, it feels like there are certain obstacles in your way, problems like fishing buddies who can't seem to get up on time to get to the lake before the sun rises. Not this will affect you, it's just that your usual good luck seem to have taken a vacation this week. And it doesn't look like there are any improvements until next week. Sorry about the bad luck on the bad timing. Be careful to not criticize your fishing buddies too much even though they are clearly inept in your eyes.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: One more idea, about this money thing that you've got going on... the heavens are fast approaching a point in your life where you can make or break yourself. It's not a good time to get yourself involved in destructive habits like golf. One day, it's just an "innocent game" and then the next week, there you are, forsaking work, relationships, braving hostile weather, forgetting poker games and poker buddies, giving up on fishing all together, just for the sake of whacking some small ball around on the golf course. I don't get it, and your family doesn't understand this obsession, either. Just day "no" to golf.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: With what the planets (specifically: Uranus) are doing right now, you guys are going to make the very best of fishing partners in long, long time. The reason? Uranus awakens you spiritually, and since fishing is a spiritual pursuit (remind me to tell you about the First Church of Kramer and the Blessed Boat), you lucky Aquarian will know the exact location of the fish. This week, next week, doesn't mater anymore. With an Aquarian in the boat, two things will happen: 1] electric gizmos won't works, and 2] fish will literally jump into the boat to make the Aquarius happy.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: I would never, ever suggest that a Pisces would be given to rash and irrational behavior. Never would I make such a suggestion. However, as this week unfolds, you will find that you are tempted, on more than one occasion, to deal harshly with an individual who really needs his or her wings clipped. There is a problem here, my fine Pisces friend, doing so will probably get your own wings clipped, too. Avoid confrontation, even though the other person really does deserve a good blasting. Remember to watch your blood pressure.

Week of: October 28 - November 3
Kramer's Momma's is Nov. 1, send her a fax at 512/521-0259, and tell her that you think all Scorpios are great people.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: A wedding is not a good idea right now, not for you. Trust me on this one, despite what your innermost feelings might reveal, I would urge you to reconsider the elopement idea. Why? Just because the the source of this infatuation is bound to wear off pretty quick. Don't confuse "love at first sight" with a slightly different (but somehow related) concept called "lust at first sight." Remember, you like to fish, too, so don't throw everything overboard for this relationship thing.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: The odd bits of gravel in the sky, some of them darned feminist asteroids, are making some VERY interesting activity going on for you this week. You are torn between lavishing many hours on the finery for a beautiful costume for the grand Halloween ball, and just cleaning up the house. Decisions, decisions. You might want to consult a real astrologer, like myself, for further elucidation on these matters. And fashion consulting, too, because that plays a big part in what you want to be this Halloween.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: I hate to talk about "windows of opportunity" but you have one this week as the stars (well, planets, actually) line up and make you particularly incisive for a moment. How about this: you have more depth and range than the average (or even above average) fish radar? You have greater insight into past lives with ex-wives than ever before. You can see what your future holds. And you will be critical of the whole mess. That's you, this week.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: There is collateral damage, a nice media term, associated with one of those e romantic relationship things going on this week. Don't get caught in he crossfire. Keep your head down. Go with what you know. Despite all the forebodings, this would be a great weekend for you to play poker. Try and gather the gaming buddies around for a nice, friendly game of high stakes cards. Or something along those lines. I don't know if I would recommend Las Vegas, because I don't really see travel this week, but a good game of chance might bring you some windfall.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Some Leos need an agenda for the week. Try this one: Monday, Tuesday, assess work situation. Wednesday, Thursday, contemplate the meaning of life. Friday through whenever, party with wild abandon, as if there were no tomorrow. It's a simple plan, but I think you will find it most effective. I still have to warn you about handling explosive devices like bombs, dynamite, loaded firearms and jealous girlfriends.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: The love planets play a game of hide and seek with you this week. Venus starts out in your sign (but leaves) and Mars comes into your sign (and doesn't leave). What's this mean? Mars is energy and drive. So if you did something to help accentuate that last hit from Venus, like get involved in a relationship, or start dating someone, then with Mars coming along, you will find that you have the drive to make this thing work. One planet made you soft, the next planet makes you hard-driven.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: With Venus now in you sign, you will find that you have a better than average sense of taste. I would consider cruising the flea markets this weekend, looking for that one piece of art that you have always wanted: dogs playing poker on black velvet. Yes, with this sort of planetary configuration, now is the time to move from low-brow art to high art. You might want to consider a Black Velvet Star Trek, too, and boldly go where no artwork has gone before.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: "Now is the winter of our discontent/Made glorious by this sun of York" Know the rest of the lines? Let me know by Email. The villain of that play, Richard, was much ,maligned in history, and some scholars have suggested that he was done so based strictly upon this one play. Scorpios feel like that too, this week, much picked upon because there was a Scorpio once who was vile and mean and vindictive, and screwed it up for all the rest of the sign. Oh yeah, let my mother know what nice people Scorpios are as we try to stem this tide of history.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Feel like there is 60% more to you right now? The deal is this: all the little odd bits of pea gravel, like the stuff that gets caught in your boot, is in your corner of the sky. What that means is small and insignificant problems blow up like a volcano and these little problems become big problems. Are you going to let it get to you, O Mighty Archer Dude? Of course not. I've just told you that these are minor problems. The only constraint is that, after a week of minor problems, you want some relief. Send a fax to your favorite Scorpio, or if you don't have a favorite Scorpio, send a fax to my favorite Scorpio, and you might Archers will feel better.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Cappy's should be feeling rather good about their lot in life, by now. You should have the new bass boat, the old car should be in great shape, and, as long as you stayed out of that fake money-making scheme, you should be on solid financial ground. In fact, you should be reaping some benefits from some of that "sweat of my brow" stuff, too, this week. You should find that more folks are willing to listen to your expert advice, whether that's fishing advice, astrological advice, or sage work wisdom.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: You have a neat sort of week lining up with a lot of romantic possibilities coming along. Another thing I would urge you to consider this week is buying flower for your fishing partner. Usually, this is considered a bad move in poor taste, but I mean it metaphorically. Don't get the guy real flowers, or one of those stupid "I Love You" cards. Get him something useful, like antacid in special, brightly colored box. Breath mints. Something that would make your hours in the boat a lot more comfortable with your partner. I hope your partner gets the hint.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: There is one problem that might be plaguing poor, much beleaguered Pisces this week: a concern about weight. Not the weight of the fish you catch this weekend, but that's certainly another story. No, what we need to talk about is those few extra pounds which have been creeping up and onto your waistline. Well, looks like this isn't the week to do anything about it, but I thought I would point out to you that the stars have it in for your waistline unless YOU do something about it. Want to bet I hear from a number of irate Pisces this week, as they sit there and console themselves with chocolate?

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