Week of: July 28-August 3

'Tis a boisterous and cruel style.
In shakespeare's As You Like It (IV.iii.31)

Aries : My fine Aries friends! Good news! Saturn, the ugly source of all your entertaining misadventures as of late is finally going to give you some relief! What's that mean in plain English? Party time! Break out the kegs and the cakes, get ready to dance around in the moonlight naked, try for some fireworks just once more! There's also a special fishing lure with a little concave dish at the front called a "noisemaker" and running one of those this week would be highly appropriate.

Taurus : I'll bet you feel like you life sounds like a John Deere tractor when it's about to drop third gear. All that threshing around that you've been doing will eventually yield some good results but the best bet for this week, instead of trying to shift into a higher gear, is the sit back and just peg that sucker out in second gear. Wind it as tight as you can. You'll get there. Eventually. And a lot of the livestock will like you for it.

Gemini : A sidewinders is a great lure to be using this week, and actually, it is not much more than a sliver of metal with a hook and little bit of plastic fluff. But the idea of the sidewinders does you good, either for the namesake from the desert, or the lure I was alluding to, because neither object works directly. No straight line for you this week, either. And if you can't catch fish the lure I recommended, you can always use it as an earring. I do.

Cancer : There's a pretty miserable planetary configuration in the night sky which leads you to think that THEY are out to get you again. I don't think THEY are out to get you again, I think you're just being paranoid this week. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be looking over your shoulder from time to time because this is the week when old lovers will return, intent on making you miserable.

Leo : Break out the fireworks all over again, because this going to be one "kick in the butt" birthday party week for Leo's. In fact, like New year's time, when you make all those resolutions, this is the week to do your annual "year in review" and "what can I do to make next year even better" thing. The good news here is that this review process will go smoothly, and the good news is that the resolutions can stick. The bad news for Leo this week? There isn't any!

Virgo : There was time when magic filled the air, and you feel like you touch that time right now. You are alternately struggling with a relationship woe, and enjoying the fact that this relationship feels so good. Regrettably, you can't make up your mind from day to day whether this relationship is good are not. I'll give you a hint: it is supposed to be wonderful right now. Whether it is or not, well, that's up to you. Mercury and Venus are still making you talkative and beautiful this week.

Libra : The only thing that I would really watch for this week, if I were a Libra, would be compulsively spinning my wheels at work and getting no results. Or getting no apparent results. You are part of a larger conspiracy to make sure that nothing too useful gets done this week (the conspiracy was started by Leo's because it's their birthday week). Unfortunately, what this means is that you will be in the unenviable positron where you feel like you take two steps forward and then about thirty-seven step backwards. See what I mean? And it's all Leo's fault. Don't blame me. They started the parties this week.

Scorpio : I haven't had enough hate mail from Scorpio's this week, so I thought I might say something mean and nasty. But the way the star look for you guys, I should say something comforting instead. I mean, you've got a lot of stuff pushing and pulling on your tough exterior, just begging you to move ahead with some new projects, and it looks like you are still resistant to change. Nothing too new there, a Scorpio resistant to change. Lighten up and sneak into a Leo party this week.

Sagittarius : "Men’s evil manners live in brass; their virtues/We write in water." Shakespeare's Henry VIII (IV.ii.46-6) And that nice quote sort of sums up this week. Look: there's a great party going on over in Leo, and that's a compatible sign for you. Just remember to pay the Leo host or party giver, or both, a nice compliment or two. Careful with that old Sagittarius mouth of yours, and be careful too much fun doesn't loosen up your tongue, too, because you want to be invited back next year (rather than ejected this year).

Capricorn : While all the other signs are concerned about bait and parties, I want to talk you serious minded Cappy's about beliefs. your beliefs. In the past few years, you have been coerced into doing little reality checks along the way, and this is, perhaps, too much reality for you. Each time you've wondered if it was right, if what you hold in your heart is true. Yes, it is. You'll get sign this week, and I don't mean an astrological sign either. It might be fortune cookie, and it might be a shooting star. You'll know what I mean.

Aquarius : You're thinking about moving right now. You've had it with the old homestead. A few months back, I told you to buy a trailer house, one that actually could roll down the highway. You didn't listen, did you ? You never listen to me! Instead, what you are faced with this week is that old, relentless urge to move again. I told you a travel trailer would make a good home for you for the next few years.

Pisces : Minnow type jerk bait. No, it's not a form of Caribbean cuisine, either. It's a lure. It's what you should be using for fishing this week. And I would also consider letting this bait run a little deeper than conventional bass wisdom allows for because you've got a chance at some really big strikes if you get under the surface. It's even time to start thinking about dragging the bottom of the lake. No, bottom feeders aren't in season just yet, but be patient.

Week of: July 21-27

"How dares thy harsh rude tongue sound this unpleasing news?"
-- From Shakespeare's Richard II, Act, 3, Scene 4, line 74

A few Scorpios and Virgos have taken a shine to my horoscopes. While I relish the praise, and my
battered male ego loves the attention, it's not my intention to irritate you. I just report what the planets are up to. Maybe I should recall what that messenger kept telling Cleopatra because I sure know how he feels these days. If you know the passage I'm talking about, then drop me a line, and I'll send you a free "El-Cheapo" report. I'll just need the Act, Scene, and line number in order to declare you an instant winner...

Some people call it the Twilight Zone. Some call it the Reality Distortion Field. And some call it the Real World. Welcome to Planet Aries for a week of, well, hmm, a chance to, well, you see, I'm not sure how to put this to you, but you aren't ready to make any serious decisions this week. I realize you're ready to make the decisions, but I suggest you do something completely out of character and put them off for at least another week. You'll be much happier this way.

By now, you may be developing a complex because it may seem like I have nothing nice to say about Taurus. This is a damn lie! OK, where was I? Oh yes! Ranting! You see, it's really just a few darned planets keep that getting in your way, making life uncomfortable. And nothing is worse than a discomfited Taurus, believe me. The only shining light this week is the single most important love interest in your life will straighten up and fly right. Not completely, but you can see them wobbling off in the right direction, that is "wobbling toward you" not "off."

The week starts out well, then slumps, then picks up momentum during the weekend. In fact, I'm pretty sure about this: You might consider entering a celebrity pro-am bass tournament of champions. This would be the big break you've been looking for, a chance at a huge jackpot, and some celebrity status of your own. Just what you've always wanted: a boat full of fish.

There comes a time in everyone's life when a decision must be made. A time to face the coldly objective facts of life. A cosmic review. You have a review this week. Well? What's it going to be? Lunkerbaits and buzzbaits? A Devil's Horse? How about slash bait? And, as long as you are working on the eternal verities of the universe, who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy? At FGS World Headquarters, we're all Ford people. Why all the questions? Looks like you want to pop a big question this week, and I'm just trying to save you from that mistake again.

Sweet Leo friends, your search for happiness can be one of the most tragic events ever. If you would just QUIT LOOKING, the Happiness Bug will find you. However, you must stalking it, and let it find you. This is the beginning of long series of happy birthday weeks for all of the lovely Leos -- but let me caution you that searching for the happiness quotient in life is one of the most unhappy events of all time.

A few minor planets trip into your sign this week. This is good news because these planets bear fruit. Or, at least in one case, bare fruit. Venus and Mercury are making merry music in Virgo now. Venus is that old love thang, hence the distinction between bare and bear, and Mercury is thinking about it, talking about it, writing love notes about it, and generally trying to communicate this information to the world. I suggest a fax machine.

Some days are tougher than others, and this week is no exception. If you're interested in the technical side, then know that Mars and Saturn are about opposite each other -- this opposition makes for a tough time. The good news is that the next time something like this happens in the heavens, it'll happen to other signs, not you. This week is slow-going. Just take your time and remember to proofread your work. Spelling counts.

There's a lot of stories in the naked city. Fortunately, I live near a large body of water so I get fish stories. Scorpio is a water sign, and you need some fish stories this week. I urge you to consider whoppers. Polish up your best tales about broken fishing lines, the big one, that "glory hole" where all you had to do was drop a hook in the water and the fish would bite at it, jumping into your boat. Yes, it's a good week for tales.

I'll bet you've had a set of cinderblock shelves. In fact, you may have some now. These "building blocks" and the stars function in much the same way. Just like the way you can put together small projects like a set of bookshelves, you can assemble large projects, like maybe the apartment you lived in (or are living in now) made with the same building blocks, cinder blocks. Work with me on this: It's time to start assembling projects.

It's a good week to straighten your work space. Clean up the desk or the work bench or tool box. If you're lucky enough to fish for a living, clean up the tackle box. Certain items you thought lost were just tucked away in the nooks and crannies of your work space. These are items you might need later. This cleaning exercise is a good way to rid yourself of negative thoughts.

It's another good week in Aquarius country. You have two guys hitting on you pretty strong, and a moon that emphasizes this, too. In their words, go for the gold. An Olympic metaphor is passe a year later, but you should get the idea that you have the strength to finish the sprint to the end.

I love Pisces... in fact, I make that same statement many times over. That's the good news. The less than wonderful news is that it's a long and dark summer. Actually, it's not too dark, just hot and rainy when, despite the dark underside of the rain clouds, all you can feel is oppressive summer heat. I'm sorry about this report. The sliver lining is there if you just pause long enough to see it.

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

--Hunter S. Thompson

Week of: July 14-20

Cool off, chill out, and don't panic. Especially don't panic. You don't
have the energy for it. You feel like a washed-up fish on the shore,
bloated and stinking. The way this week looks, you might even feel like
the gulls are enjoying a fine dining experience courtesy of you. OK, you
REALLY shouldn't panic! It's just a weird, hallucinogenic and
tension-filled week that will end soon. But you'd better plan on mowing
the lawn this weekend instead of fishing.

This is a week to struggle like you've never struggled before. A
tremendous pressure is weighing on you, and you can't relieve that ache
between your shoulder blades. Or maybe it's a persistent insect buzzing
in your ear. The good news is that you will find a degree of relief by
the middle of the week. Or maybe you just need to get the
air-conditioning fixed in your car. Sure, cars without AC have the
right-of-way, but that doesn't make it any more fun to drive.

An old science fiction short story called "Blow Ups Happen" neatly
describes your week. Just when you thought you were through with the
pyrotechnics from the Fourth, you find a smokebomb in your pants. But
before you stomp off in anger, send me the name of the author of the
short story mentioned, and I'll email you a free "el-cheapo" chart
analysis. You need something to take your mind off the mundane matters
of living for awhile.

If you're not moving in with Bubba or Bubbette, then I was wrong about
this romance thing. Some folks are so afraid of commitment that they
live in trailer houses so they can pick up and move in a hurry. Are you
an outwardly mobile Cancer this week? Living in a house from which you
never remove the wheels isn't the best way to live your life.

Every once in a while, the good life just doesn't get any better, just
like in a beer commercial. Like this week. Regrettably, it's not like
that for the rest of the world, so remember to go easy on your friends
and family because they're not as bold and courageous and invincible and
beautiful. In fact, they might be a little envious, so tread softly.
Well, as softly as a Leo can.

We have a conflict happening, otherwise known as a Big Issue. The issue:
romance. The universe is conspiring to make it happen for you. The
conflict: Your brain. It's unhappy. As you may know, some modern
philosophers and country singer-songwriters equate love with depression,
but I can separate them for you. Love should make you happy when you're
in it, sad when you're not. It's that easy. Now, to make the week even
better, think about love. Obsessively. I hope this doesn't worry you.

A lingering positive influence is turning into a lingering malignant
influence. Pressure is once again building, mounting to what seems like
an incredible crescendo, and... never mind. You'll be let down if I tell
you what will happen this week. The anticipation is better for you. It's
improving, just not this week.

Eat, drink, be merry, fair wench! This is a week to party like a
hell-bent-for-leather Leo because the Moon kicks your recently lazy butt
into action. I would do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, only
Scorpios carry grudges and knives and other sharp utensils, and I don't
want to get hurt. But consider the beginning of this week as a call to
get booted out of the house and into the fast lane of life.

Lucky Archer! A bizarre twist of fate twists your arm this week as Lady
Luck stops by for a spell. You have INTERESTING changes ahead in the
wardrobe department of your life, and you need to remember that the
outer landscape (the stuff you wear) is a reflection of the inner
landscape (the way you think). So unless you're trying to make some sort
of major new fashion statement, black knee-high socks with shorts and
tennis shoes are not recommended. See your doctor for details.

Live bait works best this week. This goes against conventional fishing
wisdom, but every once in a while, fly-fishing in the face of
conventional wisdom can yield good results. Net profits will be up if
you try the live bait.

Once again, against your wishes, you are under the lucky spotlight, only
you didn't choose this spotlight. If you would just drop the Aquarius
Attitude for awhile, you'll notice that you can calmly accept the
accolades that keep coming your way. I hope you have a decent hammock
set up on the front porch because it's a good weekend to relax, drink
iced tea and think about mowing the lawn.

Nest and rest is the best advice I can give you. You are struck with odd
thoughts about work but if you are a good Pisces, and you are, you can
quickly dismiss these thoughts and get back to what is important this
week, like getting comfortable in the shade and dozing while fish don't
bite the hook you put in the lake.

Week of: July 14-20

"Thou debosh'd fish, thou!"
in Shakepeare's The Tempest (II.ii.25)

Aries : Cool off, chill out, and don't panic. Especially don't panic. The problem is that you need more energy and it just ain't there. You feel like one of those old fishes that gets washed up on the shore, a bloated and stinking rotting carcass. The way this week looks, you might even feel like the gulls are having a fine dining experience with your intestinal track as their main course. Relax because this is merely a week of tension which will be over with soon enough. But you better plan on mowing the lawn this weekend instead of a fishing trip.

Taurus : This is a week where you are going to feel like you have struggled like you have never struggled before. It's as if you've got a tremendous amount of pressure weighing you down, and you just can't get up to relive this ache between your should blades. Or maybe it's like a persistent insect buzzing in your ear. The good news is that you will find a degree of relief by the middle of the week. Probably just the AC fixed, but that's a start.

Gemini : There's a rather old Science Fiction short story called "Blow Ups Happen," and such a title would pretty neatly describe your week coming up. And you just thought you were down with the pyrotechnics from the Fourth, didn't you. But before you stomp off in anger, send me the name of the author of the short story mentioned, and I'll email you free "el-cheapo" chart analysis. You need something to take your mind off the mundane matters of living for a little while.

Cancer : If you're not moving in with Bubba or Bubbette, then I was wrong about this romance thing. There are some folks who are so afraid of commitment that they live in trailer houses just so they can pick up and move in hurry. Are you one of those this week? Living in the trailer house that you never take down off the wheel, just in case you need to move on? What's the rush?

Leo : Every once in a while, the good life just doesn't get any better. This is a week like that for you Leo's. Regrettably, it's not a week like that for the rest of the world, so remember to go easy on your friends and family this week, because they're not having as good a time as you. In fact, they might be a little envious, so treat softly. Well, as softly as a Leo can.

Virgo : We've got a couple of conflicting things going on for Virgo right now. One is a positive influence on romance, the old love thing. The other is a negative influence on the brain thing. Some modern philosophers will equate the two, the love thing and the depression thing, but I can separate them for you. Now, to make the week even better, just think about that love thing. Obsessively. I hope this doesn't worry you.

Libra : what has been a lingering good influence is turning into a linger malignant influence this week. Pressure is once again building, mounting to what seems like an incredible crescendo, and... never mind. You'll just be let down if I were to tell you what was going to happen this week. The anticipation is better for you. It is improving, just not this week.

Scorpio : Eat, drink, be merry! This is a week to party on, like Leo because the Moon gives you a resounding kick in the rear to get you out and off you dead backside. I would do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, only Scorpio's carry grudges and I would never want to be the recipient of one of your grudge things. But do consider the beginning of this week as a time when you are getting booted out of the house and into action.

Sagittarius : Lucky Archer! There is a bizarre twist of fate this week as Lady Luck comes to visit you, if only for a brief moment. You've got some INTERESTING changes occurring in the wardrobe department of your life, and you need to remember that the outer landscape (the stuff you wear) is a reflection of the inner landscape (the way you think). Top water lures work best this week, against all odds. Go for black bass, trophy size.

Capricorn : Live bait, like worms and minnows work best this week for you. This goes against conventional fishing wisdom, but every once in a while, you will find that flying into the face of conventional wisdom can yield a good result. Net profits will be up if you try the live bait.

Aquarius : Once again, and against your wishes, you find yourself in a lucky spotlight, only, this spotlight is one that you did not choose. Still, if you would just drop the Aquarius Attitude for a little while, then you'll notice that you can calmly accept the accolades which wind up coming your way. I hope you have a decent hammock set up on the front porch because this would be a good weekend to relax a little, drink some ice tea, and think about mowing the lawn.

Pisces : Nesting and resting seem to me to be the best advice I can give you. You are struck with odd thoughts which concern work, but if you are a good Pisces, and you are, you can quickly dismiss these thoughts of hard work and get back to what is important this week, getting comfortable in the shade someplace, and dozing while fish don't bite the hook that you put into the lake.

Week of: July 7 -13
"Is my lord well that he doth speak so wide?"
In Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing (IV.i.62)
Topwater Lures are working best this week.

Aries : Since you managed NOT to ignite yourself while playing with fireworks last weekend, I'm assuming that you think this week has got to be better. There is an unfortunate arrangement in the sky which is going to exacerbate the challenges you face on a day to day basis. Rather than being figurative rain on your metaphorical parade, though, I might just remind you what you are an Aries, and you supposed to be up to meeting this little challenges. Me? I could certainly do with a few less challenges.

Taurus : The thing to to look out for is a emotional outburst which would be kind of like a fireworks leftover from last weekend with an extra long fuse. You've been accused of having an extra long fuse, too, and it's got a slow burn going this week. It might get to the point where it sets you off, as well, but only if you let it. That's easy for us to say, but it's a little harder for you to deal with. Some one has been bugging you, and I don't think this is the week to clobber them even though [you were right] they thorough;y deserve it.

Gemini : As a Gemini, you should have the finest little after-glow going from the July 4th Weekend. In fact, you should be smack dab in the middle of expanding both your professional side and your social life. The good news is that you are Gemini, and as the sign of the twins, you can balance too much activity at one time. While the summer is slowing down for everyone else, you will find this week is filled with a truckload of activity.

Cancer : It's happy birthday time again for that old Managing Editor at FGS World Headquarters. Drop Bubba a note at "BenBubba@aol.com" and let him know what a nice birthday he should have. The rest of you ought to be involved in wonderful new romantic flings. And if it is a birthday week for you, then the rest of the year looks rather delightful because there is a problem you've had with your boss, and that gets resolved this week. Or it should.

Leo : It's another summer of love as we all approach the dog days of summer when it's really just too hot to move out from underneath the old AC unit. I would tend to regard this heat as emotional heat from a supercharged situation between you and a new lover. If it's an old lover, remember one astrologer observed that one of Dante's Ring of Hell was populated with ex-lovers. "Don't go there," as the vernacular suggests. So use this heat in a productive way... Monday sets an amorous tone to the whole week.

Virgo : Virgo's often whine. It's a fact of life. Just like the stars keep ticking over in the heavens, Virgo's complain about things. In one respect, this very good. A nice Virgo friend can be called the "designated complaint person" which makes it lot easier on the rest. We can on through life liking everything. The reason why I'm talking about this wonderful "critical ability" this week is because it is particularly emphasized by a strange little observed planetary phenomena. Use it wisely. Be gentle with your complaints as you prod the rest of us 11 signs to a higher good.

Libra : The week kicks off with a lot of action. It looks like you are spending a lot time hustling back and forth from the boat dock to garage to the office. See, if you "fished" for a living, the boat dock and office would be one and the same thing. Alas, not everyone can have such a gentle life. So it still looks like you've out a lot of hurrying back and forth to do.

Scorpio : The is an ever-present drumming inside your head, and the noise is very much like that of rainwater falling on a tin roof. The problem with this noise is that you can't isolate it, you can't get away from and it is driving you insane this week. The good news is that the insanity part is only temporary and you're not going to wind up walking down the street talking to yourself. I'll also promise that the noise in your head will stop next week.

Sagittarius : you've got another special week coming up! This week, the major emphasis is love. Or romance, because you are a Sag. One way, or another, it's going to get you this week. There is a bright star on the horizon, and that is leaving an indelible mark on you. You're ready for one of those relationships right now. But just like a shooting star, be careful that this isn't just another flash in the sky that burns brightly and then is seen no more.

Capricorn : In the dog-says of summer, there isn't a lot going on. You've got to come up with a self-help-motivational line which will not only motivate you, but also motivate those around you. It looks like you are letting other people slow you down right now, and that just won't work.

Aquarius : Monday morning rolls in with quite the bang. I would suggest you stopping by the donut palace and picking up several dozen boxes of fried flour glazed with sugar coating to appease everyone at the office. And, if no one wants any of those donuts, you can always save them for latter. They contain three of the four major food groups, grease, refined flour, and sugar. That's the way folks are going to see this week, too, unctuous, refined, and a little too sweet.

Pisces : While everyone else is still trying to recover from the the weekend, it is your solemn duty to go forth and and play. Look, it's s tired week, and no one wants to work, but you have to shoulder on through this thick morass of life and get something going.

    "[Your] wit's as thick as Tewkesbury mustard."
    in Shakespeare's Henry IV, part duo (II.iv.237)

Week of: June 30 - July 6

Aries : No doubt, you've heard this joke, "you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose....*" and this is a nice way to tell you that you need to be a lot more careful this week, especially this week, when it comes to picking fights. Be careful what battles you choose to embark on. Me? When I'm, in this position, I stick to fights that I can win. Usually. Sounds good, anyway. But that is what you need to watch for: select battles which have meaning, not just because you feel like brawling.
*but you can't wipe your friends under the couch

Taurus : About the only thing I have in the form advice or admonitions about the upcoming week is to watch your appetite around the picnic table. You will be very tempted to consume far too much of the good stuff like BBQ, Tater Salad, and massive quantities of fresh, home-made pie. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. So watch the urge to consume this week, especially all that good party - fare.

Gemini : I realize we're going into a "party-party weekend" [Joe King Carasco song], but you need to give a little bit of thought to more sober and far-ranging ideas, like consider a new work-out program. I know it sounds strange, but a decent exercise plan can make fishing better. Now, I'm not saying to start this idea this week, but give it some thought.

Cancer : Another Cancer birthday. another year older. Nothing but romance in the air, too. The wedding asteroid, a feminist concept, is swinging its way through the sing of the crabby old man, so you guys are considering marriage right now. Remember that this wedding asteroid is fleeting influence, but take my advice (I have lots of experience here) weddings can be a hard thing to get out of. Expensive, too.

Leo : I usually end my monthly forecast for Leo with a succinct, "Party On!" because to fits the majestic sign so well. Now that Venus has brought her sweet self into this sign, the words could not be more appropriate, either. Enjoy the festivities this week. Have a good time. Don't take work too serious, it'll always be there next week when you return to your body. The Moon adds a surreal quality to the weekend, too, so have a some extra fun!

Virgo : Look, dear sweet Virgo, it's a vacation week. Can't you lighten up for just one little tinsey minute? Long enough to day dream some? That's my big recommendation for you guys for this week, lighten up and dream. A little bit of time spent in the fantasy world between your ears would do you a world of good. [And it would give the rest of us a break from your incessant nagging!]

Libra : There's a special spot, on the lake here, and I can't ever fish there. One old fisherman already has the place staked out. it's his special sweet spot. I've been there when he's not around, and it just doesn't work. Those fish won't bite for me, but he always goes home with stringer full of nice,. fat little fish. You're coming into an astrological week like that fishing hole. It's a sweet time, but you've got this it just right. I have every confidence that you will.

Scorpio : I like to be able to say things like this: you will find that you mind is on wings right now, and you have flown higher than the clouds. In fact, you might be so straight thinking right now, that you could see the whole planet itself. What to do with this sort of thinking? Prepare for the troubled waters ahead because there is no time like the present to use your vision to get things ready for what might lie ahead.

Sagittarius : More changes are coming along this week! As a fire sign and inveterate party animal, this is a weekend coming up which is good for your kind of display of emotions: fireworks. Enjoy the week's festivities. I would consider using the term "fire' as a metaphor rather than actually doing anything with fire though, it's long, hot and DRY summer, and you don't want to start anything that you can't control.

Capricorn : You know, if a Cappy didn't have certain obstacles to face in life, then that Cappy just wouldn't feel fulfilled. And that about sums up this week, and with all the dry weather, you are going to do a lot of worrying about firecrackers. Face it: some one had top worry about the munitions. That's your job as we approach the weekend. Put on your little red fire fighting hat and go to it. Or, grab your rifle and find a fire fight. I can never remember just which one it is: fire fighting or fire fight.

Aquarius : You deserve a break today. So take one! You will find that the urge to play probably outweighs the urge to do anything else. This being a long, long 4th of July Weekend coming up, too, this urge to walk out of the office is really, really strong. Being the understanding male that I am, I would suggest that you consider the consequences of your actions, I mean, what will your employer say if you walk away for a week or two? Then, being the understanding Fishing Guide to the Stars that I am, I'll tell you that you should walk away for a week or two, and everything will be okay.

Pisces : You are entering into a period of time, could be this week, could be this coming month, but during this period of time, you are set for some pretty smooth motoring. Imagine you're on the lake, and your little trolling motor is humming along quietly, and that ought to give a you a great image for what this next week will be like. If you were a forward thinking Pisces, it would be a good time to prepare for the nasty season to come, but I'll bet you are just going to set there and enjoy the ride in the boat.

Week of: June 23-39

"These giddy loose suggestions!"
in Shakespeare's King John (III,i,218)

Aries : Did you pull that trigger last week? Do have a mess to clean up this week? Did you listen to the sage advice of your astrologer? Of course not. When do you ever listen to me? I realize that I'm starting to whine a bit about this, but I was just trying to save you from having to do such a thorough housecleaning. Unfortunately, last week you created a mess, and there is no time like the present to get out there and clean it up.

Taurus : This was a quite week, at least, it's supposed to be. You feeling like "getting away from it all" and I agree with that idea. In fact, I would suggest a decent vacation plan would be a good idea this week. Stay home to avoid the oppressive summer heat. Look the door. Turn off the the telephone. Unplug the computer. If you really want communications, there is always the fax machine right? Whatever you do, it's definitely a good time to not to go to work. Remember, I suggested it first.

Gemini : The summer solstice has come and gone, and it is officially summer, but you've been feeling the heat for a while. But with all the birthday parties behind you you, now is a time to get to work. I understand that work is harsh word, a vile word, but I recommend that you consider the fruits of your labors: money. you are going into a fresh cycle for starting stuff up. Time for a new project at work, despite the summer heat. And time to get your fishing gear ready for a big fishing party again this weekend. Who said the parties were all over?

Cancer : The week starts out with Mercury and the Sun doing a little tango in the sign of the Crab. Means that you will be particularly loquacious this week. Bet you wind up talking a lot and sounding just like a Gemini. You are experiencing some really unusual energy right now, which means if you can strike a balance between work and play, you can do well. Really well, in fact. So good that fish will just jump into your boat, and the boss will give you a pat on the back. Just don't plan on sleeping too much, and have a happy birthday.

Leo : I like this time of year. The normal, active Leo lifestyle has gotten a little subdued as of late. I wouldn't worry about it. You have developed a sleepy look in your eyes, and this can be termed as "bedroom eyes." Use them bedroom eyes as much as you can because you can wind up with a new relationship, starting out this week. Some astrologers talk about hot romance. I think a volcano spewing lava would be a more appropriate metaphor for this week.

Virgo : I wouldn't say that Virgo's are compulsive. No, I would never even hint at that. But without a whole lot to worry about this week, in fact, without any troublers whatsoever on your personal horizon, you might worry that there is nothing to worry about. That would be a problem in and of itself. No problems are a problem for a Virgo. I'm tempted to say something tacky like "get over it," but that doesn't fly with you guys, either. But you'd better get over it, anyway.

Libra : Remember that song about "fight for your right to party"? That's what you feel like this week. It's also a week when I would warn you about fishing with dynamite because the old gamer warden (or other uniformed authority figure) could come along and give you a written reprimand for doing something that is blatantly illegal. Besides, using dynamite as bait has a few risks: loss of fish, loss of body parts, and the ubiquitous "raining down of fish" which can be like "manna from heaven" but it can also be like nightmare. Nope, not a good time for handling explosives. Or explosive situations.

Scorpio : If I were a Scorpio this week, I would nestle down into a nice, cool air conditioned trailer house, in the trailer park, and not go anywhere. Maybe complain about the heat. Look at the lawn turning brown, and then think to myself, "Self, we should conserve water and energy." (Hint: if the lawn is brown, you don't have to mow it.) Do you get the idea? Conserve mass and energy this week.. Stay home. If your boss wants you at work, tell him your astrologer said a rock was going to fall on your head so you decided to stay home. I know you're employer will understand.

Sagittarius : There is a real unusual energy which is defined to hit you like a locomotive train, pulling a hundred cars or more, flat out through the West Texas night. If you're smart, you won't try to stand in the way of this oncoming train, because, if you tangle the hard way, you'll become a little squish mark on the train tracks of life. However, there is a chance that you can stand off to the side of this train, and hitch a ride. That's the best bet, because it will be the ride of your life.

Capricorn : The long, dark days of summer are here. I would recommend that you soothe your fevered Cappy brow in the shade someplace, perhaps with a nice cool beverage. Here at FGS World Headquarters, the preferred summer drink is Ice Tea. I recommend a long, tall glass of that stuff this week. Just cool it because now is not a time to picking fights you won't win. Even your family wants to stir up trouble, and like I said before, it's just too hot for this behavior right now.

Aquarius : Coming or going? Both? Only you can do that, like the true Aquarius that you are. Here at FGS World Headquarters, we always say, "fish or cut bait." That's an apt concept for for this week. If you would just take some action, take a step in any direction, the rest of the plan will start to come together. But you've got to take that first step. (I hate sounding like a self-help program.)

Pisces : I would just plan on taking the next month off. I mean, the next 30 days or so. You won't really get much accomplished in the field of work, and no one wants to work in a field when it's this hot out. Take some time off, kick you feet up, relax a spell, and forget about what's going on around you in the unreal world of work. Take a vacation pool side, you know, in the backyard. If your trailer house is like ours, then it won't take too much water to fill up the swimming pool. (Might want to clean out because it was last used for flea dip for the dog.)

Week of: June 16-22

"An oath of mickle might!"

in shakespeare's Henry V, (II.i.66)

Aries : I always like to categorized Aries as "firemen" because you are very good at "shooting from the hip" to swipe an old (and still applicable) term. This week, though, your "shoot first and ask questions later" attitude might just backfire in your face. I know it's a been a nasty world out there, but some one has to do the cleaning up occasionally. That would be you, this week. So if you are going to pull that trigger, just remember you'll have to mop up afterwards.

Taurus : I would look to the heavens for some sort of inspiration this week. In fact, you are going to feel like nothing short of divine intervention is going to save you. That's a problem, uh? No, don't formulate an answer yet because you have a unique set of planetary influences this week which mean that, at the last minute, when you least expect it, you receiving a saving grace which seems to fall right out of the sky. Remember, when you get hit by meteorite, you heard about it here first. Should be this week, too.

Gemini : Can you imagine a frantic Gemini? Actually, can you imagine a Gemini who isn't frantic about three quarters of the time? You'll notice that the usual frenetic pace you maintain is moving into a more relaxed tempo, as this week comes to a close. I would recommend looking into new home furnishing, or even think about putting a bench seat in the bass boat so you could take more folks with you when you fish.

Cancer : That old love thing is kicking around in your sign again, stirring up the hornet's nest of emotions. My recommendations is the abandon yourself to the BBQ grill. Men love cooking outdoors, especially if there is an element of danger. And with igniting most grills, there is definitely an element of danger. Go forth and explode under this weeks planets.

Leo : After telling the Cancer's what I told 'em, I realize that you might be a little jealous. Look at this way, my dear Leo friend, this is just a temporary thing for them, and you always carry that passionate, fire-like energy with, at all times. It's just a little subdued right now. The summer is heating up, and the good stuff just hasn't kicked in yet, like the fabled afterburners on fighter jet.

Virgo : First of all, this not a store recommendation, nor is a an official FGS product endorsement. It's just that the shag carpet in your trailer house is getting a bit fragrant. You shouldn't have let all the fishing buddies over with their muddy boots, nor should you have let hem clean and gut that deer in the living room. The solution to this heady aromatic mess is it is a good week to think about steam cleaning the carpets. Or getting some one else to do some really heavy duty cleaning for you. I warned you about sky-blue shag carpet, didn't I?

Libra : While Virgo is doing the Deep Cleaning thing, you can do just about whatever it is that you want, provided that you make a mess. It's not like Libra's are typically neat clean types, either, it's just that this is a good week for you to go out and stir up a hornet's nest worth of trouble. Even though you live in a glass house, it's okay to throw a few rocks this week. the shards of glass laying around your feet are images which needed to be shattered. Besides, you're feeling really rebellious this week.

Scorpio : (No Mom, I don't have any issues with Scorpio's) This is a good week for the Scorpio in the house because the disruptive planets are still being disruptive, but the Moon glides gently overhead for a little while this week, and that brings a welcome solace to the poor, fevered brow of the Scorpio. The unusual surge in energy level continues, sort of like being hooked up to an unregulated electrical charger. You might wind up the week with your hair standing on end. Don't say I didn't try to warn you.

Sagittarius : Dig into the back closet at the home stead. No, this isn't an urge for you to do something like "come out of the closet," no I mean this in much more literal sense. You've got some old fishing tackle, a favorite lure, a lucky bowling shirt, that sort of thing, lurking away in your back closet. Stuck some place where you had forgotten all about it. This is the week to get in there and dig this stuff out because it has been languishing in the dark too long. You'll find that your old lucky charms work just as well as they always had, you just need to get to them again.

Capricorn : Fish or cut bait. One or the other. do something. By the time the weekend rolls around for you Sea Goats, the Moon will have made a fast pass at you, kicking some of this indecision into gear. While the prevailing attitude and style of the time suggests that a certain amount of hair spray is no longer useful, and even though it's in the dead of summer, I would hazard a guess that big hair is the way to go this midsummer's eve. Make a statement, a fashion statement.

Aquarius : From being the center of attention (you now you love it) to being an outcast, all within 48 hours, you are certainly still feeling the influence of the benevolent Jupiter which is goosing you like a real hot potato. Cap it all off with Uranus (your ruling planet) and there is all kinds of good things going on. The problem you have is that you are changing at a rapid rate, and the people around you, the lesser signs who are not Water Carriers, they can't keep up with your energy. Please remember us and try to have a little compassion.

Pisces : The problem with Pisces is that the sign, as a whole, is generally associated with Neptune, and that planet is still poking along, retrograde, in Capricorn, the sign of the business suit. So you are still stuck with some less-than-wonderful marketing schemes which are full of promise but still don't look like, in the real world (ugly words to a lovely Pisces), that these plans are going to bare any fruit soon. They will, but just not soon enough.

Week of: June 9-15

"Thou art semsible innothing but blows, and so is an ass."
in Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors (IV.iv.25-6)

Aries : It's time for housecleaning, but you have to work with me on this one, because I'm talking in metaphorical terms here. This housecleaning is an allegory for what you need to be doing. The mental attic of your mind needs some stuff rearranged. You need to crawl into that hot space (must feel like it's a hundred up there) and rearrange the furniture. There are some old files in cardboard box which you need to look at. Sort of like an IRS audit, only different.

Taurus : It's going to be an odd week for the fixed sign of Taurus. That's the easiest way to describe it. It's sort of like fishing in a-fishing in the barrel. Now, if you can land that cast just right (a barrel is a hard target with a fly pole), you can do really well. It's like having a captive audience only you don't know exactly how to reach them. Try using different bait and techniques this week, and watch what sort of good things will happen.

Gemini : Traditional Western Astrology suggests that this is a good week for the sign of the twins. But here at FGS World Headquarters, we've done a long and hard look at more than just one type of astrology and we have discovered that you might encounters some bizarre obstacles despite this being a birthday month for you guys. The silver lining in that old rain cloud right now means that you will get a spotlight position. Just try not to react like the proverbial deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck.

Cancer : This is a cool time for you because there is an unusual conjunction in the astrological heavens,. a tiny dirt ball called Juno is playing fast and loose with Venus. Both of these astrology things are relationship oriented. In fact, this could be the big one. Of course, you've had so many false starts that I won't count on it this time. But I could be wrong, and you could be flying to Vegas for a wedding this week. Just stay away from the games because you romantic fortunes are good but your gambling sense leaves a little to be desired.

Leo : It's just another sunny day in paradise for the sign of the tiger. I mean, the sign of the lion. Oh whatever. Feline feelings are running rampant this week. That would be a good thing for you. In fact, you will feel like finding your buddies, have a party, and wind up on the couch purring because everything is so good right now. Remember, you heard it all here first. This is a good week for parties, friends, and interactions with associates. Be the social cat this week.

Virgo : The trauma that was vested upon you by Mars is now all but completely repaired. That's the good news. Even better, there is brief moment of clarity coming this week, where you feel like you have the foresight and vision to see the whole world, all laid out for you, and you keep waiting for the "the plan" to come together. Now, onto more mundane matters, this plan isn't likely to really come together as fast as you would like it. Sorry to be the harbinger of doom, but still, since you now have had a glimpse of what it looks like, you know that there is a solid future ahead.

Libra : There's a particular sound you make, and prior to this noise is a wrinkling of the nose, and the expression is one of distaste. You take your pretty little Libra features and screw your face up, just long enough to make a comment about the heady aroma of rotten fish. Looks like SOMEONE forgot to clean out last week's catch. So this week, you're stuck with cleaning up the mess from last week's fishing expedition. It's okay, because the world will be all right as soon as you get done scrubbing up after that mess you've been stuck with cleaning.

Scorpio : After getting lots and lots of vehement Scorpio mail and faxes, I've decided to step way out on limb this week -- NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO A SCORPIO, EVER AGAIN. I sure hope my mother appreciates this information. While it may not be factual, it sure does look good and you Scorpio's can now quit sending me faxes about how bad everything is because it's all good. My fax line [512/448-0970] is always open, but I'm thinking about getting a "Scorpio Filter" for it. all you have going against you right now are two little planets [Jupiter and Uranus], and what's life without a challenge or two?

Sagittarius : After years of toil and trouble, lucky archers do land on their feet, there is some good news happening right now. I regret to say, though, that this good news involves elemental changes in your life. Like the old pontoon boat is going to be replaced by a shiny new bass boat with big fins and lots of motors. Therein lies the good news. The problem is that you have become a lot more attached to the old boat than you are willing to admit, and you have to get rid of it before you can get the new boat. Out with the tired and worn, in with the new.

Capricorn : Duck bread: it's that stuff which is too stale to feed to some people, and you save for the ducks. Now, dough bait, that stuff you make by rolling white bread between your fingers and turning it into a doughy substance. Combine the two--duck bread dough bait. That's the hot tip for your summer fishing trips. What's it mean? If it doesn't catch you fish, you can always use a little alliteration to turn into an amusing swear word.

Aquarius : Look, I've got every one else using live bait right now, mostly minnows and worms, so what you should be doing is using artificial bait because it's the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing. In other words, this a great week for luck (like fishing) if you take a completely different course of action.

Pisces : There's a grizzled old veteran who fishes along the banks of Town Lake in beautiful, bucolic downtown Austin. I checked with him about what sort of bait he favors for the hot summer months.

Week of: June 2-8
"what, no attendance? No regard? No duty?"

in Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew (IV.i.113)

Aries : I've been singing a tune about work and stuff related to work for a while now. And you're about as sick of those works stuff as I am. The good news this week is a that one of those e "darned feminist asteroids" (Vesta) is making the sign of the Ram a little bit more "in touch" with your feminine side. And it brings a little relief from this work-ethic thing, too, and I'm sure you'll agree with me, that work is a highly overrated experience.

Taurus : The new moon, a little later this week, brings a certain degree of flair o your homestead. Time to spruce the place up again. Ever thought about getting out and looking for some new furniture? Actually, if I were a Taurus, I would consider getting some new upholstery on the seats in the boat this week. Something with a certain flair to it, maybe a leopard skin print would be nice. Or a Texas State Flag motif for the new seat covers. Hey, with free trade and all, you can get some really swell deals down along the Mexican border these days.

Gemini : Ever feel like sending a Birthday fax to someone? How about a special someone? How about the FGS Sister, our very own archetypical Gemini? That fax number is: 510/834-4730. Let her know that the FGS Faithful really care about the sign of the Twins, and that this is going to be a rather good birthday week. In fact, this bodes well for the rest of the year as any home-based business looks like it will take off. Just be a little more careful than usual with the steering wheel this week as you have a certain propensity for error while driving.

Cancer : One Cancer, near and dear to the hearts of the FGS Faithful, suggested that marriage was a holy and totally insane institution. For the less "relationship-challenged" Cancers out there, though, this is a good week to start thinking about a serious type of romance which could lead to wedding bells. don't say that I didn't warn you, first, though, because this could be a passing influence. No going to Vegas for a marriage. Stop and think before you leap into something which is harder to undo than you think.

Leo : Starts out pretty bad this week. Doesn't look like it will ever get any better. Then, suddenly, the weekend arrives, and the party mix hits the right combination. Life starts to look up. Way up. Get ready for an awesome weekend, and keep that in mind while you trudge along during the week, and no, you don't really have all the burdens of the world on your shoulders, you just FEEL that way.

Virgo : I've tried to warn you dear, sweet, innocent Virgo's about this before, but here it is again. Read the long list of disclaimers on the astrology home page. In fact, maybe you should memorize that list this week. You are dealing with energy which could be just like a volcano and erupt all over your happy backside if you are not too careful. Imagine molten lava pouring all over everything you touch. Not a pretty sight? And, it is definitely too early to start playing with firecrackers.

Libra : It's time, once again, to direct your focus to the front part of the boat where there's a fishing partner, perhaps someone you've known longer than your spouse. And your friend up there, he needs to assist you through some tough situation. To me, it looks like it's just a little bit of troubled water. Could be something as simple as picking the right bait (live bait this week, go deep), or it could mean you just need to talk a little bit about what is going on with the situation at home. In any case, though, you need to have you friends around this week to help you out.

Scorpio : This week starts out with a Monday morning that you, frankly, would much rather do without. It's going to seem like everyone is taking a number just to come along and take their turn at having a piece of you to chew on. And that's only on Monday! The thing that I like, is that the rest of the week goes fairly smoothly. I, personally, feel pretty sorry for anyone who gets their nails dug into you Scorpio's on Monday because after that fateful day is over, you come out strong, willing, and able. And there's nothing worse than an angry Scorpio.

Sagittarius : It's time for a little bit of a summer time blues thing going one for you. You've just getting into the half-birthday time, and now you're looking at the long stretch of summer where there isn't a lot of activity. You just want to hole up in the comfort of the AC and not go anywhere. I still think the best thing is to get out o the lake, but you might want to try one of those Motorcycle looking wave boat things for a change. Maybe take a fishing pole on the back of it and see what happens.

Capricorn : Try a seance. Or try a medium. (If that doesn't fit, try a large.) This is about the very tail end of you being able to actually "channel" Elvis (Elvis WAS a Cappy). Go to church, or go to a reader, or do a reading on your self. Just do something that falls in the category of spiritual. If you are a rather cynical Cappy, perhaps the closest to spiritual we're going to get is a large donation to a Church. Have I told you about the First Church of Kramer, where we accept all denominations (preferably big bills).

Aquarius : This is shaping up to be one really nice summer. Despite the oppressive heat, you'll find that you have a number of truly innovative opportunities to do just about anything that you want right now. Seeing as how it's so hot in the South, I would consider taking one of thee opportunities as a chance to escape to the cool Northern climate. Go some place far away, exotic, and where the whether is a little nicer, even if this is only a summer vacation.

Pisces : The problem with the poor and delicate flower of a Pisces is that you might find yourself wilting under this oppressive heat. Get yourself into the swimming pool, the old "concrete pond" of television fame. You'll find that the soft and gently waves lapping the edge of the pool make everything feel a lot better. No real pool? Do what we do in Austin, get a kiddie pool, and use that! The effect is the same, and the price is a lot more in line with reality.

Week of: May 26-June 1

Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell,
Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind,
Or say with princes if it shall go well,
By oft predict that I in heaven find:

Shakespeare's Sonnet XIV

Aries : I don't care how you stack it up, we've got any one of a number of nice angles happening to you this week. The biggest one, of course, is that old focus on central authority in your life, but when I was in the military, I found there was something nice about always being told where to go and what to do. No questions to ask. Just do what you are told. So, this week, my fine Aries friend, do what those authority figures in your life tell to do. It's a good week to be a foot soldier again.

Taurus : Once again, I would concentrate on your focus on the way you earn an income this week. This is not the same as focus on the way you spend you income, wither. And no whining about this week's forecast: you've got some stubborn stars lined up overhead, and these stars will provide you with a great opportunity to show that you are worth something to somebody. Will you take the opportunity or not?

Gemini : The good news is that the Gemini party month is firmly in place. Flip side of the birthday bash is that you are getting a lot older now, and some people would have you believe that you are supposed to act more mature. The beauty of being a Gemini is that you don't have to act too grown-up, and now that it's you week or month, you're not going to. I would be very careful with big-city driving this week, though, because your stars are not in cars.

Cancer : Long, dark knight of the soul. Maybe it's just an evil specter from past life, or worse, an old flame here to haunt you. Whatever the case may be, you will find that you have some rummaging around the house to do, you know,m put on your slippers, and shuffle around in your threadbare bathrobe, thinking about how you really need to clean out the ice box. What you are doing this week is called "getting ready" because you've got a lot of activity coming up real soon, just not quite this week.

Leo : Poor old Leo. You're getting tired of me picking on you, but I'm not really doing that. All I'm trying to do is to warn you about the number one enemy this week: yourself. You're experiencing a great deal of unsettling change this week, and if you could just get out of the way, these changes will be very productive. You will found that friends and family will come along and be supportive of you, as long as you let them. The trick is being nice right now.

Virgo : In literature, there';s this great term called "epiphany" and it usually refers to a little awakening, a sudden realization of just where the plot is going, or just what it is that motivates a particular character. You enjoy one of these this week. It's a little thing, but with your exacting attention to detail, as a Virgo, you will find that it is a great event. Finally, some of the untoward events in your life will finally make sense. And, maybe, just maybe, you'll understand why you spend so much money on chasing some fish out in the lake.

Libra : Bass fishing: it's not for wimps. It takes an expensive boat, lots of high-tech gear, a wide assortment of fishing rods and reels, line, tackle, tackle boxes, lures, and the ever-present question of bait. Looks like the big fellers you're chasing after are hunkered down in the bottom of the lake. In other words, it isn't a time for working shallow water areas for fish -- you need to go deep. Make sure you have some extra sinkers this week before you hit the lake.

Scorpio : In traditional astrology, this isn't a good time for your luck. But here at FGS World Headquarters, our relentless effort to uncover the secrets of the universe has proven that you will be lucky this week. Now, you got to work with me on this one -- luck can arrive in many different fashions. In this case, it looks like a signed legal document, often referred to as a contract. In other words, the deal you've waiting for, well, it should come through this week. At least you'll get a break in negotiations.

Sagittarius : It's one of THOSE weeks when the giant whiffle ball in the sky comes sailing in on its erratic course and leaves a bit of good luck with you. The one thing I can tell is to be ready for some unprecedented changes in your lifestyle this week. If it means a new boat? Go for it. New fishing friends? Go for it. New kind of bait? Go for it. New romance? Give it a whirl. Weddings? Just say "no" because I don't think that's a good idea this week.

Capricorn : You'll actually, as a good Capricorn, experience a certain degree of joy this week. Sort of like being on the lake and having a big old "hawg" of a fish jump into your boat. Now, remember, in this case, the fish is a metaphor, but it's like you've landed something really sweet without ever having to do anything about it. I would recommend as much action as possible, though, because you want to make sure you're in the right place for this fish to land in your boat.

Aquarius : There's this type of fisher-person you do not want to imitate this week -- a weekend warrior with too much money and not enough sense. He goes careening around the lake, not watching where he's going, fooling around with and electronic fish finder, and never stopping long enough to give the fish a chance to bite. On the VCR of life, try (please, just try) to hit the "pause" button. You don't want to look too much like a loony bird all scattered over the lake.

Pisces : Pisces are usually such sweet and dear old souls, which means you feel like you shouldn't be experiencing any trouble whatsoever this week. Doesn't mean it won't happen, though, because the world is spinning a new net for you. And with this new net, you will be able to catch just about anything that you want. Remember, dear Pisces friends, you heard it here first.

"The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven,
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change"

-- A captain in Shakespeare's "The Tragedy of Richard the Second" (Act II, scene iv)

Howdy, Bubba, and welcome to the ASTRONET home of Kramer, Fishing Guide to the Stars. Speaking of Shakespeare's lean-looking astrologers, if you would like an expanded and accurate reading based on your personal chart, see the order information in the Kramer area.

You and I know that things are bad right now. Despite this, you are at a turning point where you can actually SEE the signpost up ahead. The next stop is not the Twilight Zone but a halfway mark as Saturn makes his trip through Aries. In plainer English, you are halfway to getting things in life that you really want while some of the trash is being removed from your life, even as you read this.

The last of the Taurus birthdays are this week and after that, you should feel relieved because of the commotion in your house lately! The bad news is that the coming-and-going frenetic energy isn't gone yet. But you will do more than survive: You will thrive on the attention you're getting. Look for a little surprise, an astrological bonus if you will, at the end of the week.

In another direct but very Gemini-like about-face, you are stuck this week singing those same sweet love songs that you've been singing for a few weeks. You might be in trouble if your life, especially your love life, is starting to resemble a country and western song. It's a sure sign that trouble is headed your way if you can identify with any (or all -- you are Gemini after all) the characters in a decent Country and Western song. Let me know which song you feel like in a week, you old songbird, you.

Get ready for too much work and not enough time to get all those tiny details taken care of, especially at work. You know you belong on a boat this weekend, but you can't seem to get everything at the office tied up. Or the workshop. Or the garage. Wherever! Loose details drive you nuts, like getting out to that sweet spot to fish the Southeast side of the lake, only to discover you forgot the bait.

The problem with being a Leo is that you're always dependable. That's one of your finer qualities. I know I can depend on you for criticism, coercion, and most importantly, completion. Your problem lately involves unscheduled flights of fancy. While this isn't a problem for the usually grounded yet artistic Leo, these little daydreams might lead to a certain amount of inattention, especially at the wrong time. Could be a problem if your BBQ-ing on the outdoor grill. Pay more attention to the details at work. Daydream a little less and check your ego at the door.

I want you to think about rodeo, especially bull riding. Imagine an animal that weighs more than a compact car. This fetid devil of an animal has a brain smaller than the average astrologer's brain, perhaps even smaller than that of a house cat. Now, torture this animal a bit to ensure a bad attitude, then hit him with 50,000 volts of electricity to make sure he's really irritated, then sit on top and try to hold on for eight seconds. Bull riding isn't for wimps and this week, being a Virgo isn't for wimps, either.

Somehow I got started on a rodeo metaphor this week, and you're stuck with it, too: This week is like barrel racing. You need a high degree of finesse as you negotiate the course, looking for beer in the barrels. The worst part is that you have to hurry. This week is a race to hurry around obstacles faster than anyone else. Look on the bright side: barrel racing isn't nearly as dangerous as other rodeo events. You could be on top of a very angry bull who'd just had his tail plugged into the electrical socket. You're lucky this week.

For some odd reason, Scorpios from Arizona think I have it out for them. In fact, I'm grateful for many of the lessons I have learned from various Scorpios, like 1) Stay at least 100 feet away at all times and 2) A court order is a court order -- obey all law enforcement officers. Your lesson this week is about patience -- it looks like you don't have any. This is caused by a difficult angle from a couple of Chris Farley-sized planets. Don't worry about it much: Life without adversity for a Scorpio is just plain BORING.

Ever try your hand at calf roping? This is the week to wallow in the sawdust and dirt of the rodeo arena and try. Calf roping requires Wal-Mart-sized quantities of finesse, and most Sagittarians don't always possess that amount of dexterity. It doesn't mean you won't succeed, and it doesn't mean this isn't a good time to try something new. All I'm saying is that you might not meet with the success you want.

While other signs are receiving rodeo sports suggestions, the only advice I can give you is to watch yourself around the old Rodeo Arena of Life because those critters with the long horns, the bulls, are liable to gore you good this week if you're not careful. Watch out for long, pointed objects, whether it's on an animal, the hood of a car or the front of a train.

The week starts out well and finishes strong like Panhandle wine: fresh, changing, and with a surprising good taste, too. Just like that stuff that comes from grapes grown outside of Lubbock. I know, it's hard to believe, but this information is direct from reliable sources.

One week, I'm telling you to clean house. The next week, I'm suggesting you clean your hard drive. Now I suggest you clean your car or boat. I don't care which one because if you are like most Pisces, everything could use your attention, but you only have the presence of mind to do one task at a time this week. Then again, you might just blow it all off and go fishing. Sounds good to me.

Week of: May 12 - 18

"Yet cease your ire, you angry stars of heaven!"

Pericles in Shakespeare's Pericles (Act II, scene i)

Aries : Life is definitely on the upswing again. and although Saturn's influence might affect some of your apparent upward mobility, old Saturn himself won't really affect this in a bad way. Nope, Saturn ought to wind up giving you an added boost. It's just that, this week, you feel like there has been a certain feeling much like watching the air go out of tire. And yes, you are going to feel a little flat this week. But just like that tire, you'll only feel flat on one side.

Taurus : Look for a wild ride for the Birthday Taurus folks, and for the others, look for a strong influence from Mercury. Now, I realize it was just last week, maybe the week before, that I was lecturing you about the deleterious effect of Mercury. Now I'm telling you how kind this little harbinger is going to be. What gives? It's time to put everything back together that the little planet pulled apart during the apparent retrograde action. Does that makes sense? Unlike some things in life, though, this reassembly process will be much easier.

Gemini : Last shot at some romance, right now. I mean, if I were a Gemini, I would be running around proposing marriage to just about anybody and anything right this week. Such behavior is bound to turn up a few people who are as interested in you as you are. The romance effect of the feminist asteroid Juno is a documented fact around here at FGS World Headquarters. And Juno is "just fixin' to" get conjoined with that "ole love planet" Venus, and now that Mercury is not direct, looks like your ready for some action. Being that your a Gemini, I would see a jeweler and get a bulk deal on little gold bands.

Cancer : I've been accused of picking on Cancers before, and I will patently deny that. And this is the first week that there is nothing tremendously untoward in the heavens pointing its finger at you. The only thing to watch out for is the "all you can eat" fried catfish buffet. This is one of those weeks when your physical appetite and your ability to burn calories just don't match. If you start gaining weight, don't blame me. I tried to warn you.

Leo : You'll find that this week is going to be marked by problems left lingering from an errant Mercury, bits and piece of communication which have broken down and need to be repaired. The big question mark, besides the obvious "why me?" for this week is what can you do to help forge a new alliance in the work place to help overcome some of these communication problems.

Virgo : You'll find that you have enjoyed a certain amount of an "artist's creative rush" of ideas in the last few weeks, but due to one misbehaving planet, you haven't been able to get any of this down on paper, or, depending on the medium that you choose, you haven't been able to get any of the ideas across to the general public, your employers, or even just you mate. The good news is that planets are lining up to make this a much happier time for you so get after that one special project now.

Libra : The darkness which was spread by Mercury is suddenly turned into light. Unfortunately, you don't get to see the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" until a little later in the week. Monday still feels like a Monday, but by the time the weekend gets within site, you will find that your spirits are suddenly, almost magically, lifted.

Scorpio : You are face to face with all sorts of UNUSUAL energy this week as romance temporarily fills your world with bliss. That's the good news. The problem with becoming all-consumed with romance is that there are other areas of your life which could use a little attention right now. There is some trip coming up, sorry but it looks like a business trip, which could certainly use some attention because the previous plans now have to be modified.

Sagittarius : The good news is that you are entering into a lucky streak. The bad news is that this lucky streak probably won't involve lottery money. In fact, despite the apparent look of success, I would try to stay away from games of chance right now. That's not the kind of luck I was talking about, it was more a fate is on your side kind of luck wherein you get a late start on Saturday to to the bass tournament but wind up reeling in the best catch of the day because you just happen to be in the right fishing hole, the place passed over by so many others, and I told you that you would have good luck this week, albeit a little strange.

Capricorn : The really nice feature about Cappy's is the way ya'll thrive under pressure. And this is a good thing, too, because this week is filled lots of pressure, kind of like a high front which settles over an area and keeps the rain out, turning your own home county into a miniature pressure cooker. Bet that's just how you feel already, and the summer isn't even all here yet. Just wait a bit and then things really heat up. But this week is a bit of a chance to see what the summer heatwave is all about.

Aquarius : This week is brought to you by Sagittarius because the old Sag ruler, Jupiter, is really making its presence felt in your sign. You'll find that you have a lot of that Sag type energy, unfortunately, unless you really are a Sag, you won't know what to do with some of the clumsy stuff that accompanies most Sagittarius types around. Jupiter is certainly pushing on you to expand; I just hope it isn't your waistline that is expanding.

Pisces : Last week was hard drive cleaning time. This week? How about looking at your tackle box? Whatever it is that use in life for work and play, there is a dark corner, a deep recess of your mind where you hear this little voice (it's your own voice) telling you that "it's time to clean up some of this mess." Best bet for this week is live bait and cleaning out the old minnow bucket before the weekend gets here.

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