Week of: 8/16-22/99

"O! ten times faster Venus' pigeons fly
To seal love's bonds new-made, than they are wont
To keep obliged faith unforfeited."

Salarino in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice [II.iv.6-10]

There's a quote in the Sagittarius Scope this week. We know which character says it. Act and scene are included. The question is, who is she addressing? More important, what is she really saying? Send me the right answer via E-mail [KramerW@aol.com], and I'll see about sending you an abbreviated "el-cheapo" astrological profile, via E-mail.

Aries : The tension from the last few weeks is beginning to shift, lessen a little, and the world is gradually going to be back to where it belongs. It hasn't been exactly a kind place to be lately; however, but there is a degree of hope right now. This week brings some crustacean's to the top of the creek, and even though crayfish are not really in season, the mud bugs seem to be crawling up and begging to be put in a pot of boiling water. Rather than worry about the implications for these baby lobster looking things, consider getting a hold of your distant kinfolk in Louisiana. See if they have any tasty suggestions on what to do with Crayfish. Instead of arguing with this week, figure out a way to make a good meal out of the situation. The stars will lend you a hand, and the shoreline of life is scattered with shellfish.

Taurus : I realize, sooner or later, that you are going to be turned into a paranoid, sniveling wreck of person. It isn't me, and I'm certainly not out to get you. I know it feels like that, and all I'm trying to do is to let you know that the odds are good that you feel like the odds are bad. Or, at the very least, all stacked against you. While it certainly feels like this, and especially this week, it's merely the odd bits of gravel in the sky working their way through various signs, and these odd pellets are nothing more than a minor irritant. Being the delicate and sensitive Taurus that you are, though, even a minor irritant can inflame your delicate sense of touch right now. The best way to deal with this internal inflammation and general sense of unease is to smile. I know, you've heard it before, but try being nice in spite of what is going on. You will be very surprised at the outcome. A gentle and wry grin from Taurus this week can help smooth over some of these irritating circumstances.

Gemini : There are some highways out in the Western part of the United States which wind and twist up treacherous mountain roads. I've chased up and down those hills, looking for those sweet spots to trout fish. Ain't nothing better than Trout Fishing in America. One of the common signs on the roads is "Watch for Falling Rock." This week, you need to heed that sign and make sure you check the sky occasionally. There might be something falling out of the heavens and landing on your head. A good hat, preferably with the picture of a fishing lure on it, might be the best way to avoid such troubles. A full face helmet, complete with a life support system, piped in music, and a two way radio would also help. There are some who would suggest that a single band radio doesn't cover enough bandwidth for a Gemini, but I would suggest, this week alone, that only one band needs to be covered. Stick to one form of communication at a time this week, and do what the sign says, watch for falling rock.

Cancer : By the end of the week, we have a Moon who is getting pretty big and bright. There would be some astrologers who will tell you that this might have an adverse affect on poor old Moon Children. Even poor, young Moon Children. I'd like to suggest that it isn't so much the adverse affect of the Moon, no, this week, it's the adverse affect of the fixed Signs, and their grumpy attitude towards the sensitive Moon Children. So check your chart, Bubba and Bubbette, see if there isn't some Fixed stuff in it giving you a hard time. It's like the "back to school" stuff all going on right now, all that marketing blitz is doing is leaving you a little frustrated because there just isn't enough of you to go around this week. Or maybe it's your cash supply, but I promise your attitude changes by the weekend.

Leo : It is an interesting time, my finest of Leo friends. Of course, this is a week, about in the middle of the week, when you're going to feel like the finest of Leo fiends, not friends. In fact, some of your friends will look like a delicious morsel to you. It reminds me of one of the best selling albums of all time, and what you need to do is reach back with me to the hey day of yesteryear, and imagine a guy with one glove and red jacket. Thriller was the name, and the accompanying video had this really cool special effects thing where the singer got all bent out of shape and turned into a creature of the night. I would hardly ever want to disparage my dates, but I'm pretty sure I dated this guy's sister. So either you're going turn into a large varmint, or you're going to wind up with a large critter for date. The good news is that it all settles down, back to normal, as the weekend gets here.

Virgo : I got off on a weird rant, not long ago, and I wonder how this might help you this week. It involved words like transmogrify, transubstantiation, transmute, and then, transmission. It's been a long time since I've sullied my hands with the actual toil of yanking a transmission out of a truck. But it is messy work, and some would suggest, this is work not becoming of a Virgo. However, in keeping with the transition of thoughts, you're going to find that you will spend part of this week in your own world where you can't seem to transmit anything out to the rest of us. It's not altogether bad, it's sort of like a perfect Virgo world. Everything is clean, and neat, and right where you left it. Unfortunately, you're going to need some transportation, at some point, and that's when things get sticky. I don't claim to be the best astrologer in the world, but I'd watch out for transmission problem, either actual, or transitory, this week.

Libra : Activity is a good thing. Some folks think that you Libra's are just spinning your wheels, like you're stuck in the driveway out at the ranch. A little late summer rain has rendered the drive up to the ranch house somewhat impassable unless you're willing to get out in the mud and flip the hubs over to four wheel drive. Now, this little allusion to hubs might escape some folks, but if you've ever had one of those old time four wheeled drive vehicle, you know just what I'm talking about. And this is a week when you might just forget to put the four wheel drive thing in action until it's a little too late. Of course, it's never to late to power yourself out of there, just be prepared to slip you life into four wheel drive, find that granny gear, and listen to the motor as it generates enough Libra-like torque to get out of the quagmire. Will you make it? I'm sure you will, no mud -- or earth signs -- will slow you down. Just remember to use the lower gear ratios in order to get going this week.

Scorpio : Except for one Scorpio who might experience a few MINOR setbacks this week (Hi Mom), there shouldn't be too much standing in your way right now. Mars is still in the tropical zodiac sign of Scorpio. And Mars still means activity. And drive. The unfortunate turn of astrological events over the last week or so has set up a scenario where things from the past are coming up. It's like a late blooming crop, am early version of the fall harvest season, and I would suggest that you get on your Scorpio farm equipment, and get out there to reap some of what you have sown. You're going to have a few long days this week, and the good news is that you will have commiserate amount of energy to help deal with these long days. Of course, here at headquarters, we still feel like long days of hard work are their own reward, and I'm sure you know just what I mean. Ma Wetzel does look good astride Pa Wetzel's tractor.

Sagittarius : I suppose I should wax eloquent about romance right now. Of course, for all my purported eloquence about romance, you still think about that one line from Hamlet's mom, when she's addressing the old windbag, "more matter with less art." (II.ii) Eschew the high flying flattery this week, get down in true Sagittarius fashion, get right down to the basic of the situation. In all honesty, it's really not a wonderful time for romance because you're going to be feeling sorely put upon by that significant other. One of the joys of being single is that the only one who is putting anything on me this week is the cat, and all she really wants is food. Seems my lyric poetical moments are lost on her. You're probably going to be feeling much the same way. Save it for another time, like in about two weeks when this love "thang" heats up again.

Capricorn : In one of the older texts that I often consult, I have found that the title to your sign is not Capricorn, but frequently "Capricornus." It's the Latin addition of the "us" suffix that's important. This is an "us" week for you. Teamwork is important. And with football just beginning to take shape for the year, you've got some good ideas about sport metaphors for pulling your own team together. So, for the rest of this week, I feel like addressing all Caps as "Coach." In some circles, this is not a term of endearment; however, deep in the heart of Texas, where football is more like a religion than a mere sport, this term is one of deep, personal meaning. So, Coach, this week you get to help guide the rest of us. Remember that old Latin version of your sign, too, and don't forget that this is an "us" week, not a "me" week. Not for Capricornus.

Aquarius : You have a few ideas which are moving ahead at a rapid rate. Of course, these ideas are not without some problems. I know that you know that romance is a big issue right now. I mean, it's a big issue for your sign. But as big as that issue might feel like right now, I still would urge you to use a little caution when dealing with those tender and romantic moments. The other side of this proverbial coin is that your brain is working overtime on some new ideas. Something is afoot in your brain zone, and whatever ideas you've got bubbling up are certainly worthy of note. To put it simply, romance is still not a good idea due to the pejorative effect of a minor Venus movement across the sky from you. Work and career, however, is a good idea. And this whole mental metaphor is even better because your brain has never been sharper. It's just getting the information out without cutting anyone else that's the problem this week.

Pisces : Lyric prosody is a wonderful element to introduce at this time, but a little poetical rhetoric might get lost. Despite the fact that old Ms. Venus is moving in a backwards fashion, I would still go against all odds and make a romantic prediction for my favorite fishes this week: yes. That's the answer to the question. Now, what's the question? Don't forget that Pisces is heavily associated with the planet Neptune, and that might cause a little confusion. So my analysis of you astrology chart for this week still holds that you have some kind of romantic interest which is both alive and kicking. Of course, you're going to feel like a fisherman who has landed a big fish still full of fight, and this big fish is now in the boat, but he's flipping his tail around, jumping and trying to get free. My suggestion is to hit him over the head. It's a trophy size fish; however, so make sure you don't damage it too much.

© Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net, 1999

Week of: 8/9-15

You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her
Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?

Rosalind in Shakespeare's "As You Like It" [III.v.67-8]

Eclipse on 11th -- which overshadows any game show questions, but, of course, that begs more.

Aries : There are enough literary references in Shakespeare's canon of work alone to keep an army of scholars busy for years on end. And these are just the allusions to eclipses. While Shakespeare's world view held that an eclipse was a dire event and such a heavenly catastrophe would portend a series of bad things happening, I'm inclined to have a slightly more modern way of looking at this, especially for our fine Aries friends. Imagine someone holding you down and leaving a childish mark of affection. It's time for a solar eclipse hickey. The only problem with this is you're going to feel like some reasonably significant person in your life has marked you this week. While it's an endearing idea, the mark itself is not always pretty. Do what I do at times like this, I wear a shirt with a starched collar and a nice string tie to cover the mark. Tie one on to string them along this week.

Taurus : As long as there is this little eclipse thing happening, you might as well make the most of it. It is going to ring your bell, or come across as something that is trying to get your attention. In my limited repertoire, there's no easy way to get a Taurus's attention, other than hitting them with large stick. I might have the Sign of the Bull confused with a real bull, but the story this week is no bull. If you're willing to pay attention to the subtle signs that you're getting, I hope you can avoid the obvious way of getting your attention. There's no need to get hit over the head with a big stick. Now, if some guy in the arena of life is waving a red cape at you, I'd be a little careful about it. Red flags are red flags in life, and this sort of confrontation might be best if you avoid it. Watch for more subtle symbols this week. Sticks and red flags can be painful.

Gemini : Ever notice that Gemini's get twice as many votes as being the nicest sign in the zodiac? Ever notice that they get voted, twice as often, as the smartest sign in the zodiac? I always wonder if there is any ballot box tampering going on here, or if they are using a time honored Texas tradition of getting the dead to vote. Whatever the case, the sign of the Twins gets another double dose this week with the eclipse stuff that's happening. However, rather than engage in any untoward and unlikely dire news about Dire Straits, I would suggest that the eclipse will double everything for the Twins this week. So it's like you get a two week rush, all jammed into one, seven day period. Makes for an interesting time. And, best of all, being the good Gemini that you are, you guys are quite used to the idea of living two lives at once. That's what all of ya'll are going to be doing this week, everything twice as much. Best of all, this is not really any kind of a challenge for you.

Cancer : It's that rare time in Texas, and in every Cancer's life, a time between tornadoes and hurricanes. The twisters are over for the year, and the hurricane season hasn't started yet. Why would we be worried about unlikely meteorological events right now? This eclipse is going to feel like one of those swirling masses of uncontrollable energy which is flying right over your own Cancer trailer home right now. There is a theory which suggests tornados are attracted to aluminum, but that's never been factually verified. In any case, you're going to feel like a nice, quiet time at home. And just when you get settled in, something comes along and turns your house upside down. Having survived this sort of meteorological event myself, I can only hope, for your peace of mind, that this is merely a metaphor this week. I would hate for it to be piece of mind.

Leo : Not every Leo is going to get pushed around by this week's eclipse. There are few of you, at the end of the sign, who are going to miss the true fun and joy of an eclipse. Of course, there's always a retrograde Venus, dragging her sorry self all over you at this point. So it looks like there's not much good going on in Leo this week. However, I'd like to suggest there is much good here, because this eclipse in the middle of the week is going to set up, like setting up for a big party, and although the eclipse part is over by Thursday, the concept of the party carries on into the weekend. Just about every Leo I know loves the idea of a party. And a party which last for several days is going to require the endurance of a decent Leo. That's what's up for you this week. Like all parties, don't take anyone too serious this week, either, it might just be their ebullient and joyful mood that's talking, not really their heart. But it doesn't mean you won't have a good time.

Virgo : By the time the next weekend rolls around, Venus has slithered out of Virgo, and is storming her way across the sign which precedes you, that would be Leo. But you knew that. I don't want to belabor the obvious, but the sign before you has all the action this week. This can be both beneficial and detrimental, but in your case, I'll look on the good side alone. The indicators are all for romance. The problem with all this positive romance indication is that there are number of detrimental factors at work right now, especially the aforementioned retrograde Venus. So I don't know that I really, honestly recommend romance right now. But if there should be a bright flare in your night sky, or even a falling star, go ahead and reach out for it. You might, against all odds, win this week. I'd still warn you about being prepared to play second fiddle right now, what with the Leo's hogging all the action.

Libra : I realize that the eclipse pattern, especially when one heavenly object's position interferes with the glow of another object, as in this eclipse, that there are all sort evil omens and old myths about bad things happening. For Libra, this week, all this is just not true. There are some difficult moments, going into the week, but as the weekend gets here, I suggest you take some time off, and enjoy the best that you can find for yourself and your mate. I'm also assuming that you have a significant other. If you don't, I can't promise that one will show up. There might be a significant other proxy this week. In that case, being the good Libra that you are, I'm sure you will deal with the stand in. Either way, I'd like to suggest that it will be a good, if some what unusual, weekend. Getting to the weekend, now there's the challenge. Of course, getting to any weekend is sometimes a challenge, especially from a perspective of the early week.

Scorpio : I'm a lot less worried about Scorpio and the eclipse and I'm a lot more worried about Scorpio and Saturn this week. I used to always provide a link to the Saturn Company's homepage whenever I mentioned Saturn online. It was an inside astrology joke. A little bit of outrageous levity this week would certainly be in order. Learning to laugh at your own foibles, and making merry out of the pitfalls you encounter this week can turn a lot of them in pratfalls. Of course, no one likes to live in a Vaudeville type of routine, but this week is going to be full of just such antics. In the face of these problems, a good sense of humor will really help. It is, after all, just your life. Tone down the sarcastic comments and enjoy the little attempts at humor that are foisted on your this week. When you open a door, and someone has a bucket of water fall on your head, don't let it dampen your enthusiasm.

Sagittarius : It's a hot and spicy time. And like a decent plate of true Mexican cuisine, maybe something typically served in a bordertown, you're going to find that this is a week than might make you eat a bit. I've always maintained that good food has to walk a fine line between pain and pleasure in order to be really good. And this week, especially with everything happening in Leo, will walk that line with you. The only problem is that it's a narrow line, and Sagittarius is never known for our finesse. A little extra caution should be employed this week. You might want to sample the hot sauce before you start heaping it onto your food. The peppers this week are a little more piquant than usual. Of course, it will clear you sinus cavities, but I'm not sure that's what you had in mind.

Capricorn : On more than one occasion, I've suggested relationship issue are of paramount importance to Capricorn. And, by the same token, I've had more than one Cap write to correct me about this obvious oversight on my part because it winds up being a business issue that week, instead. So here we are again. And I'm suggesting that it's a relationship issue. I can already feel the E-mail piling up, telling me it's business. Perhaps it is the Cap's love of business that I'm missing here, but the pointers are old flames bursting into virtual roaring flames, and these old flames look like they might complicate the present situation you find yourself involved in. That can be a problem. My suggestion is to keep the old flames and new flames in separate containers. Either way, it does make for good BBQ. In fact, this week will probably bring a new meaning to the term "fire up the grill, Bubba."

Aquarius : Does the term "pressed ham" have any meaning for you? Having a New Moon opposite you is not unlike a childhood prank which involves an activity of the same name, although the effects are a little different. Or maybe they're not. You might feel like you're the butt of a cosmic joke. Relax. The pranksters don't realize this, but around the next corner is the long arm of the law. So this cosmic joke, ultimately, will backfire. The trick this week, is lasting long enough, without losing your composure, to let the natural course of events run their way. What happens? Your tormentors get to explain their actions to a uniformed official. The folks who were out to get you this week are, possibly in a literal sense, caught with their pants down. Now, if I can just get you to keep your own pants on long enough for this happen, you'll feel a lot better by the time weekend arrives and the cosmic pixie dust has settled a little.

Pisces : While the Fixed Signs are boiling over with this and that as troubles go, my favorite Mutable Water Sign (that's Pisces, you know) is coasting along in comfortable fashion. It's like a hot day at the river, one of the rivers around here, where you can rent an inner tube, catch a ride up the creek, and then gently float down. Of course, it is a rocky creek bed, and you do have to be a little extra careful this week about dragging a certain part of your anatomy across some of the spots where the water might be a little low. In fact, you could feel like someone is warming your backside over a BBQ grill this week, but both the grill and the warming sensation are illusions. The rocky river bottom is no illusion, and as long as you are prepared to walk across a few low spots this week, places where there's not enough water to float over, you'll do just fine. If the sun gets too hot on one side, though, be prepared to roll over in your inner tube this week. You want to work on that tan, all over, not just one side.

© Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net, 1999.

Week of: 8/2-8

A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill,
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man.

Hamlet in Shakespeare's Hamlet [III.ii.106-10]

There are game show prizes are available in the Crusteacen Horoscope.

Aries : Just when it looks like the pressure is about to let up, just when it looks like everything is going to work out, and just when you feel as if there is relief in sight, just over yonder, if you will, that's when you run into yet another problem. It's not like any of this major, not in a big way, it's just that there is one confusing and upsetting event right after another which all conspires to make things a little more difficult than they should be. It's like sitting down to eat a bowl of chili and discovering that you have no crackers. How can you eat decent bowl of truck stop chili without cracker? At times like this, the best thing to do is improvise. Or forgo the crackers. But the condiments sometimes make the meal, if you know what I mean. And this is a week when you might one to consider ordering something a little less spicy than a delicious bowl of Red, swimming in grease and hot peppers.

Taurus : Retrograde planets have an important affect on your life this week. And I'm not really referring to Mercury whose errant retrograde path has been done to death. In this case, I was perusing the effect of Venus in her backward flight, and seeing as how it was going to impact you, I figured I'd better draw your attention to this fact. It's like the radiator in my old truck. It only leaks when a certain planet is retrograde, and frankly, it really isn't worth replacing because the cost of the parts would far outstrip the value of the vehicle. And my guess would be that your faced with something that's leaking water, too. It's just Venus, and as long as she moving backwards, you want to make sure that she doesn't cause anything in your life to leak water. Or coolant, as the case may wind up. As long as this little planet is doing her "thang," a little extra caution in the tear-jerker department is best. Maybe a lot of caution. No country and western this week -- it will just make you cry.

Gemini : Typically, for a Gemini, when Mercury turns around, everything gets better. So that's the start of the week. However, we are still dealing with a few extra and untoward influences right now. One of them is hammering some of the fixed signs. The other is Venus. The Venusian affect on you this week means that the stuff about old lovers coming back during a Mercury Retrograde is made worse. What was the name of that bad movie where corpses arose from the grave and haunted the living people? You might feel like that this week. No, Gemini isn't going to feel like a corpse, but that former fan of yours might. Or that person might look like a corpse. Or you might look like you wish you were dead when this person resurfaces. It's a flash from the past. In the blink of a mere mortal's eye, this recurrent nightmare will disappear. But first, you get to have a little fun.

Cancer : This is a week to remember because you feel as if you are living in a movie. Everything has been set up for you, but you're just going through the motions, acting the part. The better part of the news is that the denouement is about to happen. In as much as you would really like all the loose ends to get settled this week, and as much as I would like to provide that for you, this isn't the week for such things. There are still a few odd bits from the plot line which have yet to be resolved. This week will feel like a cliffhanger. But do hang on, because there is a great chance that you will get painted as the hero, a surprise dark horse coming from behind to save the day. It's a good week to bet on a Cancer. Want to improve your odds? Which movie maker was over heard in an Austin restaurant saying, "Just bring some food." E-mail your educated Cancer guess, if it's right, you can earn a chance to win a free "E-mail FGS Astrology Planet Profile."

Leo : In one branch of mythology, the Sun gets swallowed by a dragon, and that's the cause of an eclipse. That same dragon can also gulp down the Moon, but since the Moon is smaller and closer, I don't think that's near as a big a deal. That same eclipse causing dragon has your fine Leo tail firmly in its grip right now. Means that you feel like a cat whose tail has been slammed in the door. At this point, this week, we're just waiting for someone to come along and open the door so you can get your tail out. Here's a further note of caution: as soon as someone else cracks the door, don't get up and run. That will leave some skin, off your fine Leo tail, behind. No reason to do that. Wait until the problem is completely solved before you move. As far as trying to figure it all out, it's that dragon and its eclipse stuff that's causing this. And some immediate relief is in sight, just don't act to hasty when it gets here.

Virgo : There is an interesting event, at the early degrees of Virgo right now. I receive a lot mail complaining that on my explaining, so let me make this clear.... Venus is retrograde in Virgo. In the early part of the week, Venus occupies a point in the sky Western Astrologers locate by calling it, "4 degrees of Virgo." Over yonder in Taurus, Jupiter occupies a point in the sky called, "4 degrees of Taurus." The precise mathematical model, that measured distance between the two planets' apparent location in the sky, is considered by many astrologers to be beneficial. So much for the good news. With Virgo ranting and raving, and Jupiter lending a boost to this, you're going to find that it's a really weird week. What seems to be important to you just isn't nearly as important to the rest of us. However, we do have some matters we need Virgo to attend to. Like pronto, you know. If you're wiling to work with us this week, next week, we will be willing to work with you. Call it a Jupiter influence.

Libra : I rekindled my interest in astrology by watching the phase of the moon. And that's what you should be doing this week, too, because the lunar cycles are going to be a little more important than usual. As the moon starts to get closer and closer to being really full, you'll notice that it seems to be closer and closer to our planet. You can almost reach and touch it. Too often, in astrology circles, the effect of the moon is not adequately covered. In your case, this week, the moon will leave you moody one minute, and joyously buoyant and hopeful, in the next few minutes. Then again, the Libra scales will shift, and you'll be down. In fact, this is going to happen so fast that you'll feel like you're a Gemini. The trick is to ride these swift moon mood changes out. If you can position yourself correctly for the ever shifting tides, you'll find that you can put yourself in a sweet spot for fishing. Yes, the fish you're trying to catch will be even easier to get because they are as confused as you are.

Scorpio : I want to hear a sigh of relief coming from the Scorpio quadrant of the sky. I want to tell you Scorpio's that everything is going to be all right. I want some of the unsettling changes in your life to settle down some. Alas, it is not to be this week. Mars is giving you drive, and Venus, along with a few other planets, are stirring things up in way that you might not like. Okay, okay, so you feel like your caught out in South Texas summer rain storm, one of those where the sky is suddenly black, a great bolt of lightening strikes the ground near you, and even the mesquite trees are afraid. The rain comes down in huge pellets that sting. The good news is that these summer showers are brief, torrential, and they bring some much needed moisture. It might be a little muggy when the storm is over this week, but you'll be feeling ever so much better.

Sagittarius : There is such a thing as a romantic Sagittarius. And you might feel like you are just that creature this week. I should warn you, however, that even though you feel this way, the rest of the universe is not exactly on the same wavelength. Or page. In fact, despite your romantic leaning, you're going to find that the rest of the people you encounter are not wanting a part of your plan at all. Your choices are pretty simple: either slide up next to a fellow Sagittarius and explore your feelings, or wait. If the fish you're trying to land is another sign, you're going to have to wait a little while because it's just not going to happen this week. And that's in spite of your very best efforts. I'm not about to suggest that you give up, but this is a good week to put some of your future plans out to pasture. It's only for a little while, and the pasture is a safe place, all open fields and such. Never mind it's summer in Texas.

Capricorn : If you're quiet, just for a moment, you're going to hear a distinct "boom, boom." And, if you're a normal Capricorn, you will be waiting on the third explosion. Here's my tip for this week: there won't be a third one. In fact, the second was a mistake on some of the Fixed Signs' part. That means you don't have a lot to worry about; however, in true Capricorn fashion, you will find something to crease your brow, and you will adopt a furrowed look. The good news, in this whole mess, is that you've got a small break coming. The trick is to be ready to act as soon as you hear that second "boom." After that, and timing is everything, you should be able to scoop up whatever it is that you're seeking this week. I know, I know the planets are in an awful state right now, but other signs' misfortunes are merely opportunities for you.

Aquarius : I'm continually refining the way I try to define the characteristics of each sign, and one thing I've discovered is that every Aquarius is an individual, just like every other Aquarius. Your individuality might draw a little more criticism this week than you're used to. The easiest way to deal with this sort of talk is to remember that critics are people who can't actually accomplish the goal themselves. It's really easy to tell a fisherman that he needs to improve his casting, that he's moving his elbow too much when he's working that fly rod. It's another thing to actually get out and land the fly right where you want it, or better yet, right where the fish wants it. So when the critics start riding your tail this week, calmly do nothing but keep your elbow in, and land that lure in place where a certain big fish will strike. It's easier to show them this week than waste any time trying to tell them.

Pisces : "Darn the details," is what I say. Perhaps something with a little stronger language would help, but I sure hope you catch the sentiment intended here. It seems like everyone around you is concerned with the microscopic image, the small view, as it were. While this is fine if you are involved in molecular engineering, or nanotechnology, or anything that requires a micro viewpoint, the rest of us are wondering why you are so concerned with the small way of looking at things. Minute details are best left to other signs, and I really mean that for this week. Let some one else look after the "micro management" arrangements. Yes, my excellent Pisces, you do have a fine eye for detail right now. The problem is translating your fine eye for detail into a real world experience. That's why you should let someone else worry about the details this week.

© Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net, 1999

Week of: 7/26-8/1

Alack! our terrence moon
Is now eclipsed; and it portends alone
The fall of Antony.
Mark Antony in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra, III.ix.263-5

Lunar eclipse 28th -- but it doesn't portend the fall of yourself. Or myself, at least, I hope it doesn't portend such things. The first line in the Capricorn scope refers to a quote from Shakespeare. What line was intended, and why is this important? Drop me a line with your answer and get a chance to get a free, quick "FGS Planet Profile" delivered to your doorstep via E-mail.

Aries : There's an obvious disappearing act going on right now, and this has a lot to do with the unstable nature of reality. If that sounds a little to mystic, how's about one of your ex significant other type of person shows up at the front door of the house. I can speak from time worn experience, there's always a back way out, and you might want to make sure that your back way out works this week. I understand that running away is not the typical Aries way of dealing with a problem, but this week, trust me on this one, this week it's the best way. I know you would really like to give that person a good piece of your mind right now, just for your own peace of mind. The problem being, with the planets in such a strange array, that a confrontation can escalate into a major war. That's not really what's called for at this time. Sneak out the back door.

Taurus : One of the things I liked best about Mark Antony is when things looked bad, I mean, really bad, and us sitting there in audience kept thinking it can't get any worse, then what happens? It does get worse. Taurus and Mark Antony have a lot in common this week. Not only is Mercury retrograde, but there is an eclipse as well. And Saturn and Uranus are duking it out. And Mars is in Scorpio, opposing everything you do. Take your pick. It's going to be one of these, or a not too subtle combination of them all. Just when you thought you should be on top of the world, sort of like Antony's Queen, just when you thought it was all going to be okay, just when you thought maybe the stars were going to give you a break, you get hit with something like this. If I recall properly, Cleopatra did consult a fortune teller, and he did prophesize that things were going downhill. I'll bet he got beaten for that, too. Don't beat me, and just hang on, the worst is almost over.

Gemini : I don't often advocate that the best course of action is no action. And I don't often suggest that you do nothing, especially not to a Gemini. However, this week, with the other signs all stirred up like dust devils spinning off a great West Texas tornado, you've got to be a little more careful than usual. There's no reason for you to be getting yourself into trouble, particularly when this is trouble that you can certainly avoid. "Now why would I want to avoid trouble?" you ask yourself. Self: this isn't a week to settle old scores, or to start new ones. Picking a fight right now is like trying to pick a fight with a hurricane, it just doesn't work. Yes, there are some things in life bigger and stronger than a Gemini. Even something that's full of more wind than a Gemini, too. So when you see something come blowing your way this week, just duck. Run for cover. Maybe hide in a ditch or the storm cellar. It will all blow ever, eventually.

Cancer : In my own mind, and in some of my written work, I've equated Mercury with the mythic figure of the Trickster. Call him what you want, but the errant planet is sneaking back into your sign at the end of the week, just to add a little bit of mayhem and havoc to an already tumultuous time. I can hear the screaming from the Cancer Camp right now, "Leave us alone!" I'm not picking on you. It's the planets, see, the planets are like an old truck. In this case, the old truck really needs a tune up. Right now, and for the rest of the week, you're going to feel like you're caught in belligerent, belching, backfire of that truck. To be sure, you're not the only sign that's feeling this way, but at this point, and for the rest of the week, you do feel like there's this little cloud right over your head. I always say look on the bright side, that cloud keeps the hot sun from overheating you right now. I doubt you'll find it that useful though.

Leo : Most folks don't remember when you had to stop and pay a toll along the Dallas Fort Worth Turnpike. It's now just plain, old interstate highway. As it snakes through the mid cities area, however, it passes an internationally famous amusement park. Six Flags, the original. Version Number One. And, along that old turnpike, there's one of the nastiest, meanest, most onery looking roller coaster rides you will ever see. In fact, few of my friends have ever successfully ridden that monster with their hands in the air the whole way. Sooner or later, fear grips them and they grip the bar in front of them. What's with the roller coaster talk? It's that week, a week when you face your fears, and I hope you come out without having to grab onto something. This week, you're really going to feel like there's nothing there. Remember, you stood in line for this one, so you're supposed to enjoy it (even if it makes you scream).

Virgo : You know, I've got to come up with some better musical allusions. I'm doing my best to stay with the younger set. I can't keep make references to music which really shows my age. Or movies that are long out dated and nothing more than a faded memory or a video cassette. So I won't talk about Jaws, or the theme song. However, Venus, who was supposed to be kind to you, has decided to take a minute vacation from her good ways, and stir up a little trouble for you. It's not bad. Well, it's not too bad. She's just doing a retrograde thing which means the romance thing needs to take a little bit of a breather right now. Of course, it's been a weird summer for love, anyway. Styles from long ago have risen from the dead, and with both Venus and Mercury in a tailspin, I would suggest that you have somebody who will appear at your doorstep this week, looking like they still need to be buried again. Imagine a week of "Night of the Living Dead."

Libra : A member of your immediate family will approach you this week. Be cautious. While this looks and feels like a normal encounter, there is something amiss with it. I don't want to suggest that some one close to you would actually try to scam you, or try to pull a ruse over your head (how I get my metaphors mixed up when Mercury is out of synchronization), but I'm not too sure that this is the time start this new endeavor. It doesn't look like it's the one for you. Timing is everything, and this close personal friend, maybe even your own offspring or parents, well, their timing is bit off, too. The trouble with this is that you are more inclined to swallow this bait that they throw out at you. In fact, you'll gobble up the bait, the line, the pole, and be starting to gnaw on the arm before you realize that it isn't what it was supposed to be.

Scorpio : It's cage rattling time here in the Land of Scorpio. You're going to feel like you might be living in the land that someone forgot about, but I'm not sure if that's the right reference or not. In any case, you will feel like someone has blocked all avenues for you this week. And your little emotional meter is going to be ticking over and over, and it feels like it might have reached its limit. That's why I suggested that it was cage rattling time. Now, those bars in front of you this week, those big, metal bars over the window, or the door, grab "aholdt" of those bars, and give them a good shake. Pretty secure, aren't they? In fact, you cannot rattle them loose. However, not being able to shake them loose is not a problem for you. Not really. By the end of the week, you will find that those bars are not keeping you in, but keeping you out. Like out of trouble. Instead of making a big ruckus, all you had to do was walk away. Of course, I've never seen a Scorpio just walk away from a good fight, even if it with a fixed object.

Sagittarius : Everybody is having a tough go of it, what with these eclipse patterns, the retrogrades, and the odd angles between the big players in the sky. And as much as a good Sagittarius wants to be a player, this isn't the week for it. You can act the fool if you so desire, and little comic relief is always welcome. but don't be relying on the typical Sagittarius to luck to pull you out of this one right now. Nope, it's just not a good week for it. There will be a break in this infernal string of bad luck that you've had. Bad luck isn't characteristic of the sign of the archer. In fact, this week, you are likely to feel like you are only operating at half speed. And when it comes to your archetype, the Centaur, you're going to feel like you are the lower half of the half man, half horse. The rear, lower half, to be precise. Don't let it get you down. There's always tomorrow.

Capricorn : These late eclipses do portend something. Just what, for your sign, it is hard to say. Astrology isn't about guesswork, though, and little bit of scientific inquiry has turned up a few facts that might be helpful. Uno: Emotions are high this week, especially in the first half of the week. Two-o: Feelings are not reality. Three-o: reality is slippery this week. What can we deduce from the conundrum of a week like this? Don't let the way you feel about something, I sure hope it's a thing and not a body, anyway, don't let the way you feel interfere with what is really going on. Just because you feel like getting out of town, avoiding a problem, as it were, doesn't mean that this is the best course of action. Solipsism be damned. Don't let the little stuff annoy you this week. You're going to be feeling rather on edge, and you'll want to get out of the house, it just that I'm not sure it's safe out there.

Aquarius : I once played a game with an Aquarius. It involved numerous faxed communications, emails, the occasional postcard from far flung destinations, and it never involved talking on the phone. This is a good week for just such a game because some of your communication is going to get garbled, no matter what you try. I prefer leaving a written record of what's been said, except in cases when I don't want a record. But those cases are increasingly rare these days, thanks to a good Aquarius lawyer. You're going to want to leave a record this week, too, and I can only hope that you don't need a good lawyer, like I did. It really wasn't me, but I had to prove it. This week, you're going to want to keep evidence that it wasn't you, too. In the event that you're wondering what all this legal stuff is about, I suggest that you try to keep your little emotional side intact this week. "But Aquarian's don't have emotions!" is what the other signs say. Between you and me, I think you do. In fact, by the end of the week, we might have evidence of this.

Pisces : There is a lot panic this week, and it's true: this week's chart, as a whole, doesn't look too promising. Now, for the little Fish side of the chart, though, there are lot of promises. The very same heavenly object which is one-half of the eclipse is also bringing you some luck a little later in the week. The problems is that is not the kind of "get lucky" luck where guys stick elbows into ribs and act jovial. Nope, not as long as Venus is retrograde is this really a romantic type of luck. I suggest, that despite the stellar influences of the negative sort, that your own, personal Pisces slice of the sky is really on a little bit of an upswing. Call it some kind of a Lunar Lift, but this is little "get out of jail free" card at time when you need it the most. As Mark Twain once noted, "Tell the truth or trump, but get the trick."

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 7/19-25

"I have lost my hopes."

MacDuff in Shakespeare's MacBeth [IV.iii.37]

Don't forget that MacDuff shows up as a winner in the end. And the winning prize is in Virgo this week.

Aries : The only constant this week is change. And while it's upsetting for some of the other signs, most notably the fixed signs, it's not really that bad over here in Aries Land. Why? There's a degree of fire in this week's chart, and that's going to give you some passion to deal with matters at hand. While the depth of the feelings are good, the direction you pick might be a little misguided. Be prepared to shift gears, change directions, or, as the case may be, stop and ask for directions, more than once. Trying to locate a special fishing hole once, I was given fourteen different sets of directions, and they all involved local landmarks, directions like, "Remember where that farm used to be? The building's gone, but you can still see the barn. Anyway, that's where you turn...." You'll get some confusing directives this week, too, but there's a place at the end where any bait you've got will work.

Taurus : Some mighty upsetting changes are in order this week. It's one of those weeks that's really tough for strong, fixed signs like yourself. In fact, you're legendary stubbornness really has a chance to shine this week, and that might not be a good thing. If I could get you to be willing to gracefully accept a few changes in your life, this would be the week to do so. Relax, though, because as permanent as some of these changes seem to be, they are really not. It's not what it appears to be right now. The Mercury Retrograde Affect is bringing past events up, like scum which will rise to the top of the pond. The algae and moss is going to get in a the way of good weekend of fishing, if you let it. Nothing I hate worse than casting a good lure out, and bringing it back in with a trailer of moss attached to it. Be a little more careful about where you are casting this week.

Gemini : There's a big, male chameleon lizard who lives on my patio. When he's on the foliage, he blends in just fine with his green skin. Unfortunately, when he gets on the siding or the screen, his dusty brown skin doesn't really conceal him that well. You're going to be like this lizard this week. As long as you are on safe territory and don't call too much attention to yourself, you'll be okay. But with the planets the way they are, especially Mercury, you're going to find that the dusty coloring you try to adopt doesn't really work when you're on a bright background. In fact, this poor lizard attracts the attention of the cat, and she thinks he'll make a mighty fine meal. Be extra careful about where you wander this week, and try to stick to a good cover story. No reason to be some one else's meal this week.

Cancer : A lot of astrologers just assume that Cancer's are home bound individuals, characters who like to never leave the house. While that's a fine generalization, all generalities are false. And this week, for poor Cancer, the home is not where you want to be. Nor, for that matter, do you want to be out acquiring things for your home. While I know, and you know, that you do usually have a most excellent sense of taste and style, this isn't a week to be exercising that sense of taste and style. Ya'll find that fashion decisions and decorating ideas which seem to be wonderful this week, might not have a degree of continuity with the rest of the your overall design approach. of course, this problem won't show up until you've committed yourself to purchase which might be too outlandish. I am reminded of a particular Cancer's vehicle, a van, and you might want to make sure that the color of carpet installed matches the rest of the motif. Of course, like any good Cancer, this van was an extension of home, and we are back to the Cancer stereotypes. But whatever the decision, if I can implore, please put it off for a little while.

Leo : Nothing is worse than getting about half way through a decent dessert, something really tasty and cool on a hot summer's day, and discovering the partial remains of a member of the insect class. While these guys make excellent bait, your Ice Cream Sunday is not where you want to find this bait. And that's what this week might be like. Be prepared for some unexpected unpleasantness, one way or another. It's not you, got that? It's just the way the planets are turning right now, and they are conspiring to make your life a little more uncomfortable than usual. Now, what are you going to do with that bug in you dish? Freak out and scream? Don't take it out on your poor food server. Just dig the vermin out of your bowl, set the little critter aside, and keep eating. A cool response right now will get you much further than a heated debate.

Virgo : Mercury is just making a right good nuisance of himself this week. It's not that it's bad, I mean, not really, but one event after another just seems to go in the lake right now. Which, given, your current situations, I would suggest that the lake is the best place to be. Far away from the maddening crowds. In fact, a long vacation in secluded spot is the best way to deal with this week. You can bet, though, that your travel plans will be interrupted by any number of problems. And the make the long respite from work worse, you'll find yourself out on the lake, sorting through your tackle when you should be fishing. I realize that this isn't the best use of your time, but it is a job that needs to be done, and where else can you find some solitude than in the middle of the lake? The only other problem you might have is with your boat's motor. But I don't want to compound your difficulties right now. I've already left you in the middle of the lake. Just make sure you've got a paddle, although, it just looks like a clogged fuel line to me. Know the best way to fix that? Drop me an E-mail, when you get back, and let me know. If it's a good tale, you can qualify to win a free (short form) "FGS Planet Profile" delivered via that same E-mail.

Libra : Too often, in astrology, we find fault with the planets in order to excuse our own mistakes. While that's a convent way to get out of a messy situation, that is, to blame someone else, or even better, blame it on the planets, it doesn't really work. I mean, when you reduce this situation, especially this week, to what is really going on, there's a lot of stuff happening with the planets which could affect you. In order not to get caught in the trap of blaming the planets, I really recommend that you consider that Mercury is, indeed, retrograde. And this will have some undesirable effect on your ability to communicate a particular idea -- this one looks important -- to your immediate supervisor. Boss, client, customer, fishing buddies, call them what you want, but one or more of these people who routinely understand you are not going to be so understanding this week. Temper tantrums are not your fine, Libra style, and these outbursts are not consistent with normal behavior. Of course, Mercury isn't retrograde that often, either. A little consistency will go long way in making this week better for Libra. In other words, stick to the bait you know that works.

Scorpio : Real fishermen are willing to do just about anything in order to catch the big ones. The bigger the fish, the bigger the bait, the better the stories. This week, the stories have a tendency to take on mythic proportions, as do the subjects of the stories. "That fish was this long..." and you can just imagine how the rest of the tale goes. An ardent reader once sent me a T-shirt with the appropriate line for this week, "I fish therefore I lie." You can imagine what the image on the shirt is, a big fisherman and a small fish. While fiction is often very amusing, and we should never let the truth get in the way of a good story, this week, with the planets where they are, you need to be careful to add a disclaimer to the beginning or ending of your stories. You want to make sure that someone doesn't take your fish stories a little too literal. Those tales have a way of coming back on you, at a later time, and not always in a good way.

Sagittarius : I know you want to party some. I know that the Moon is going to excite you. I can feel that special tingle crawling up and down your spine right now, that feeling that there is something special about to happen. The trick is to make sure that you get out. Doesn't much matter where you go, as long as you drag your fine Sagittarius self out someplace. You cannot catch fish sitting at home. Unless, of course, you're like me and you live on the lake. But with the influences in your life right now, any kind of movement, forward, sideways, backwards, anything... anything is good move. Don't plan on it being permanent. Yes, there's still that little Mercury retrograde thing happening, but I'm not going to worry about the insignificant little planet right now. There's just too much other stuff from the big guys going on, and you need to do something. Right now.

Capricorn : It's really a good week over here in Capricorn land. Being a good Capricorn is easy this week. Being a bad Capricorn, this week, is even more fun. The Moon is getting up towards a "full" position in your chart, and as the weekend gets closer, the Moon fills out, that sort of lunar cycle promotes some wild behavior. Going back to the Sun & Moon tables posted in the back of my old copy of the "The Texas Angler" I've found, and I can corroborate this information, that this means you've got an excellent week for fishing coming up. It's just approaching. It's not here until the weekend. A little bit of careful planning right now, you know, getting the right bait and tackle together, will help because a wild weekend, with a full catch is what you've got ahead. Use it or lose it, as they say.

Aquarius : When I was trying to determine what should be my own domain name on the net, I discovered that most of the good names were already taken. Various combinations of my name and its related appendages were already gone. In fact, you have a week which can be full of similar frustrating events. The more you search, the harder you try, the more difficult it all gets, especially this week. Saturn and your ruling planet are having a bit of a battle right now. This does not help. And Jupiter, a planet who is usually friendly to you, is also stuck in monster tractor pull with Neptune. What are you going to do? The easiest way to get around this sort of difficult energy is to keep popping ideas off. After all, to be completely fair, it was an Aquarius who came up the winning suggestion for Astrofish.net. And I'm sure that you can come up with some winning propositions for this week, if you just hang in there long enough.

Pisces : There seems to be this furious pace which has caught the other signs. And this incredibly outrageous forward march has even gotten your Pisces tail into a dither. Therein is both good news and bad because this is the actions of other people in your life, and their activities can be both good and bad. At the risk of making a non-committal statement, it all depends this week. I have a certain degree of faith in Pisces, however, and I'm sure that you are going to pull this one off. It's matter of not being too influenced by the other characters in your life right now. To be sure, you do feel like you should just drift along with the current, but if you were to actually take up the oars and make some effort at direction this week, I suggest that you find a special "sweet spot," one of those shaded nooks in the river where the fish are really biting. What it means, a little individual effort this week is well-rewarded.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 7/12-18

So I, admiring of his qualities.
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.

Helena in Shakespeare's Midsummer-Night's Dream [I.i.302]

Sea Goats get the weekly prize hunt this week, an opportunity to transpose something.

This weekend marks an anniversary of sort, too, as the weekly Fishig Guide to the Stars is now a full five years old. I have at least one ex-girlfriend who would suggest the same age about my behavior, but I guess that's best left for another venue.

Aries : I know that you a rambunctious and rowdy sign, all full of energy and just a raring to go. And I realize that this is a summer in which you really feel like it's your job to be "out there" taking advantage of all the good things life has to offer, the tube trips down the river, the late nights in the beer garden, the cliff diving at the water hole, that sort of thing. I would merely suggest that you use this week to cool off a little because it's not a good time to get too active. It's not you, not the sign of the Ram, which is dealing with a lot of difficult stuff right now, but it is the other signs. And with Mercury going into a backwards motion, it's time to exercise a little caution. In fact, I would be extra careful about cliff diving this week. I know the cool water of the river looks good, but I'm not so sure that it's deep enough for you to do anything more than step into the water. A full, headfirst dive into the creek right now could result in a bump on your head. No one needs that this week. Think of your Ram's horns, stick in the creek bottom.

Taurus : You are going to get a strange missive this week. If I were sufficiently old-fashioned, I would easily suggest that this would come via postal delivery; however, in this day and age, and so close to the millennium, this strange message might come via e-mail, fax, or bicycle courier. Something in the way of letters, though, does two things, and the first way it hits you is very upsetting. The second way you feel about this epistle is, however, much better. In a quiet period of reflection, you realize the true meaning of the note, and you don't let it "get to you." Saturn squares off against Uranus, and it's my bet that Uranus wins the contest, despite what some observers might suggest. Between that, and the growing influence of Jupiter, you are set for some good news, one way, or another. Eventually. (Like, "eventuially this week.")

Gemini : A Gemini alone is frightening concept to some astrologically minded individuals. Of course, I maintain that a Gemini alone is not reality because there are at least two or three different "personas" operating at any given moment. I don't worry about you guys. You shouldn't be too worried, either, not this week. You start out the week with a lazy feeling, one that befits a good fisherman, an attitude that it just doesn't matter. Unfortunately, as the week gets older, you feel like there is something you are supposed to be doing, and yet... you just don't seem to get yourself motivated to get and maintain this contact with other people. In fact, you are going to relish a few moments of solitude at this point. It does you well. Besides, like I've suggested before, you're not really all alone, no Gemini is all alone in a situation like this.

Cancer : I realize that it is a special birthday week for particular group of wonderful and deserving Cancer individuals. And I realize that this is supposed to be a good time for you to enjoy yourself, despite the summer heat, or whatever permutations in the weather you are enjoying right now. And, of course, the week does start out on a good note. Regrettably, this tune doesn't make it all the way through the week, even though some astrologers will tell you what a good week it is. I doubt that. Towards the end of the week, there are some little events which kick into gear, and like a pickup truck slowly lurching forward with a large and unstable cargo, you feel like you are slaving away under this kind of weight. Just because it's called a "one ton truck" doesn't mean you can cram that much material in the back of it. Go easy on yourself this week, and shed some of that burden. It will be around next week, too, so you can deal with it all LATER.

Leo : "I fear, I fear it will prove to be a giddy world" to misquote a little Shakespeare right now. Say hello to the usual Mercury Retrograde stuff this week. And yes, I know you feel like you are being singled out for this unfair astrological treatment, but don't beat me, I'm just the astrologer. Mercury commences an errant path this week. Right here in Leo. As long as you are prepared for the usual delays, approbations, upsets, and unseemly events which follow the little planet's path, you will be fine, just fine. There, there, my excellent Leo friend, it's not all bad. There are number of other things happening upstairs which are going to demand your attention. You know that I always suggest you don't embark on a new endeavor at a time like this, but you know, there's the suggestion in your chart for this week that summer romance is about to happen. Maybe, just maybe, it's an old fling come back for a visit. Whatever it is that happens, I'm sure you can enjoy it this week. Just watch out for falling rocks, as the highway signs suggest.

Virgo : Venus is a nice planet, in good, old fashioned, traditional Western astrology. So let's just stick with what she has to offer as she comes strolling into your sign. She's going to be nice to you. Of course, there are still some other side effects, not unlike the ubiquitous fine print [http://astrofish.net/fineprint.html], little warnings which need to be heeded. But I'm going to suggest that you throw caution to the wind right now, and make the best of the situation. Use this Venus energy, one of peace, and harmony and beauty, to the best of your advantage right now. It is time to shop for some new carpet for your trailer. Being a good Virgo, you realize that the old shag carpet you pull up from the floor can be cut up and used to line your tacklebox, too. And maybe, cut a good swatch for the front porch. There. Think: how many people have wall to wall carpeting on their patio?

Libra : There's a certain kind of quality to the air which you notice this week. If you can pause in your busy schedule long enough to observe the texture of the sunlight, you will notice that there is almost a golden glow, a particular shine to everything that has a the same appearance, not unlike a newly minted penny, a special, ephemeral and intangible shimmering to it all. Inanimate objects seem to be alive right now. Of course, this is going to present a problem or two, especially if you begin to notice this while your driving. Nothing like having a vision appear during the summer rush hour, and try to explain that one to the traffic cop. What it means is you don't need to get too sidetracked into the dreamy, airy world of alternate paths right now. Try to stick to one plan this week, and try not to deviate from your original idea. That, I should note, is in the singular, not the plural. Stick with one plan this week, and enjoy the view.

Scorpio : Little planets, big planets, asteroids screaming through space with an unknown final destination, you've got it all this week. But rather than get side tracked by minor influences, just looking at one or two heavy objects will yield a vast quantity of information about this week. A decent rodeo allegory presents itself for this week, but you're tired of horse metaphors. In fact, you are beginning to feel like you are dealing with a large quantity of horse by-product. I calmly suggest that Scorpio doesn't have it that bad this week; although, Mars, once again, is doing his best to excite you. Despite all this excitement, you still find yourself wading through endless piles of that horse by-product. Best solution? Boots. Tall boots. Some other astrologers will suggest a shovel is best at a time like this, but I'd stick to the idea that just boots will work because you don't want to get caught having to work with this endless supply of obstacles. If there is some way you can just skate across the top this week, you will be ever so much better.

Sagittarius : One of the greatest Elizabethan actors of Shakespeare's time, in fact, one of Shakespeare's Lord Chamberlain's Men more famous dudes was noted for the fact that he always did a little "jig" or dance at the end of a performance. When the jig was done, the show was over. And you're going to feel like dancing that same jig to signify the close of some chapter in your life right now. Problems? No one else sees this as the end. So while you keep dancing the "party's over" little tune, everyone else looks on with dismay, failing to understand the significance of what you're doing. Sagittarius is grossly misunderstood this week. And subtly is not a particular quality the Archer is noted for, either, but I humbly suggest that a more subtle approach this week gets you message across in a stronger fashion. And timing is everything this week, too.

Capricorn : I keep thinking about Shakespeare lines which disclaim the approach of evil omens. While there are no evil omens this week, planets which are important to you are in a temporary state of confusion. The good news is that this shouldn't be causing strife in your own personal universe. The only problem is that's the theory, and the practical application of said theory has proven to be a little more difficult. The way I see it, you are still dealing with the rest of us, and we are having a tough time with it all. There's a side effect from the planet's behavior, and while I suggest that it doesn't have any direct effect on Capricorn, because it is all so intimately associated with your major influences, it's going to have an adverse side effect. As long as you are ready for this, as long as you are prepared for a cranky fishing partner, and as long as you realize that it's not Capricorn, but the other 11 signs, you might feel better. Know any good lines from Shakespeare that I haven't employed yet? Ominous sounding lines? Send me an E-mail with the lines and attribution, and you might win a free (abbreviated) "FGS Planet Profile" custom made, just for you and delivered via E-mail.

Aquarius : Write this date down! You're going to want to remember this week for future posterity. I was hoping that you would want to remember this week for future prosperity, but alas, I cannot promise that. Big planets are doing little things to you, and little planets are doing big things. A taut angle between Jupiter, Mars and Neptune has an adverse side effect on you this week; however, being the good Aquarius that you are, you will not let this render you into a state of complete obfuscation. The deal is this: continue on this week "as if". Continue on as if you knew what you were doing, pretend like everything is okay, and as the planetary pressure eases up, as Saturn excites Uranus just a little bit more, this make believe Aquarius state will start to make more sense. It will become more real, is nice way to say it. "As if" works pretty good for you.

Pisces : There's a growing sense of excitement with the subtle shift in the moon this week. Perhaps "growing sense" is the wrong metaphor, because there's a nasty little showdown early in the week between Mars and Jupiter, too. And I know how you feel about Jupiter. Despite the sudden shift in events which leave you feeling a little under siege, you will begin to notice the more sublime energy which is more positive as the week unfolds. By the time the weekend gets here, it won't matter what kind of bait you use, you will be able to attract just about anything with any bait. In fact, you get one of those lucky windows when you don't even need to put bait on your hook, the target just snaps up whatever you have to offer. Of course, early in the week, you might still feel like you are missing an opportunity.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 7/5-11

How should I your true love know
From another one?
By his cockle hat and staff,
And his sandal shoon.

Opehlia in Shakespeare's Hamlet [IV.v.46-50]

Trivia hunt question is "shoon" in Aries this week.

Aries : This is a special week for some people, and the vacation events all look pretty good. The only problem with this week is that it's also what we call an "almost" week. And the problem with it being an "almost week" is that close isn't usually good enough for my favorite Cardinal Fire Sign -- that would be you, my fine Aries. Terms like "close" and "almost" and "good enough for government work" just don't cut it in Aries land. This week, I suggest that close is, in fact, good enough, and that a little mediocrity will help you. I mean, there's nothing mediocre about you, but sometimes, just being a little on the average side, even if it's only for a week, will help. E-mail me with my favorite brand of sandal this week, and you only get one guess, and I'll see about sending you an FGS Planet Profile via E-mail that proves you aren't medicore this week.

Taurus : There's a fine little send off Aries is giving to Jupiter right now. And then there's a tough little call from the other side of the zodiac, too, as Mars makes the final conflicting contact with Jupiter. So between the two planets and signs, and you're going to feel like some one has just performed an unnatural act on your breakfast. It's not always bad, but this week starts out a little too tense. The tension does lift, as the week rolls by, but while other folks are telling you how wonderful that Jupiter is supposed to be, I would do you a disservice if I didn't call attention to the fact that Mars is going to heat up this cosmic mixture. Frantic, hot-tempered dance music comes to mind, like some of Austin's own "speed-metal-jacket-country-swing." It's just something to get your toes going. Not to mention other body parts, as well.

Gemini : Tension in life is a good thing. Or it can be. The problem with this week is that it finds Gemini a little tense. While this isn't so bad for a normal sign, Gemini is far from normal, and it's going to exacerbate a non-typical Gemini condition right now. This tension, though, can be put to good uses, if you just find the right Gemini outlet. Of course, at the mention of outlet, most signs think about the outlet mall, the one up on the interstate where there are all kinds of good bargains. Ever notice that some of the stuff is marked down from a ridiculously high price, something that just doesn't ring true? While shopping might be a diversion for some signs, I still feel like this week is one which requires a new Gemini form of tension release. Get any good ideas? Let me know.

Cancer : As much as it pains me, and you just don't know the pain I have to endure in order to write a decent Cancer horoscope, this is a strange week that culminates in a good weekend. It's just getting you to the weekend that's going to be the source of the pain. It's not an easy trip, but the pay off, the reward at the end of the week, makes it all worthwhile. I don't want to mislead a decent Cancer, but this all ties to a lunar phase, and the Moon is important to you. Just about the time your fishing buddies are beginning to complain, about the time no one else is getting a nibble, much less a strike, you'll find that your catch begins to improve. In fact, you risk a little professional jealousy by others because it gets so good by the weekend.

Leo : The little planets are exciting the biggest sign in the zodiac, again this week. This is supposed to be a good week. In fact, I double checked the information with both software and an astrology textbook. Both came up with good news for Leo. Or mostly good news. There is one troubling little area right now, but I wouldn't want to bother your magnificent and magnanimous sign with this news. However, it's not quite your birthday time yet, and the celebrations need to be a restrained a little. No need to make everyone else envious of your good fortune right now. Spread the wealth around, help distribute the good cheer that you feel. As long as you've got Mercury doing a dance with you, it makes it a lot easier for you to share your good luck with the rest of us. Or share whatever luck it is that you seem to be enjoying. Don't forget that all FGS horoscopes are Y2K compliant if you want to share your wealth into the next year, too.

Virgo : There's a creepy sensation that goes with this week for you, a certain sense that there is something just about to happen. Add a degree of lazy lassitude to feelings, and you've got a little bit of a confusing time. And that feeling, you sense it along the back of your neck, you just know that something is "fixing" to happen. After painting a completely sordid picture fraught with ominous overtones, I hope I haven't set you off your feed. It's not that bad. But a little care is called for this week because you are close, so very close, to something happening in a good way, and yet, and yet -- it's not quite here just yet. Patience may be a virtue, and Virgo may be the most virtuous sign in the zodiac, but your patience and virtues are sorely put upon this week. Add that sinister feeling to this, and you might be uncomfortable. Relax. Nothing bad will happen this week. Or, at the very least, nothing bad is supposed to happen this week -- not to a good Virgo like yourself.

Libra : Ongoing astrology research is both a tireless and thankless task. But you, being the good Libra that you are, will thank me and the crew at FGS World HQ for our recent findings. Number one, Mars is not always your friend. Number two, Mars has moved into another sign. Of course, this movement is going to sound like another one of those happy platitudes that gets kicked around a lot. But really, it's not. You are going to begin feeling a degree of relief as some much needed balance finally returns to your life. In fact, for a brief, shining moment this week, you feel ever so much better. Now remember, I've suggested that there is a moment of pleasant stuff happening this week. After what you've been through recently, all stirred up in the summer heat, this pleasant feeling might be nothing more than standing under the AC vent after you've been out in the summer heat. Mars is moving on to excite other signs, so enjoy the moment's respite, wherever it comes.

Scorpio : Ever hear a Texan boom out a good (and loud) "Howdy"? That's what you should do to greet the week. In fact, exclaim that welcome greeting to as many people as you can, hopefully, just about everyone you encounter, this week. Mars is settling in for a period of time, and as you know, in ancient astrology, Mars was the planet always associated with Scorpio. Mars does tend to excite things just a little, so it's up to you to use this new-found energy to "boldly go where no man has gone before." You might want to adjust that expression to fit more politically correct times, but I'm sure the sentiment carries through. So be careful about trying to be discrete this week because it won't work. Mars will make you loud, and Mars will get you noticed. Go ahead and act like you wanted all the attention that you're going to get.

Sagittarius : Regrettably, this week, we find the good archer on the down side of a lunar cycle. It's as if there was a big party last weekend, and this week, you are stuck with a yard full of paper plates, old BBQ bones, a still smoldering BBQ pit, and an empty keg of beer floating in a container of warm water. While your weekly aftermath may not look exactly like this, it does have the appearance that someone had a good time, and you are stuck with the unseemly chore of cleaning it all up. If you are a good Sagittarius, and there is no other kind, then you are going to do your very best not to sully your hands with this effort. The only real caution this week, besides avoiding work, is that BBQ pit which has a thin trail of smoke coming from the ashes. You might want to make sure you've put out all the fires from last week.

Capricorn : One of the prime movers in the sky is always the Sun, and old Sol is opposite your sign right now. This can make for discomfiting waters flowing around you. Unsettling. Untoward. Un, un something else, too. However, there are number of smaller planets, little objects which follow a path around the Sun, and these little guys are all moving in a direction that is very positive for you. In fact, it looks downright wonderful. If you can act like a team player, if you can act like another cog in the wheel, if you can pretend that you are just falling into pace with everyone else, just doing your bit, just pitching in to help, you will find that it is your one percent, ten percent, or whatever you contribute, it is your percentage that makes the difference. Of course, I'm an astrologer, I can see that it is your special contribution that counts. Not everyone will see it that way.

Aquarius : I predict that this is a good week for the Aquarian section of the sky. Of course, every Aquarius person I know always contradicts me, so I'm not too sure about this weekly forecast. But the Moon is in a good place for most of you. And the other planets are, too. More or less. There is a growing concern about NEXT week, but we'll get there when we get there. THIS week looks like one that is relatively easy for you. But getting back to that ability to contradict everything that I suggest, I'm sure I'll hear from the odd Aquarius who claims I'm way off with my prediction. Honestly, I sometime think you guys just go out and make stuff up, just to be right. Your ruling planet -- a strong influence in your life -- is right dead-center in Aquarius at this time. It is supposed to be a good thing. All week long. Really. No other sign is tough enough to take this influence and come out smiling.

Pisces : While everyone else is getting over the parties from last weekend, and while some signs are busy surveying a mess, you are quietly enjoying what is supposed to be a good summer week. I know, the heat index might be a little high in your neighborhood, but the heat index always climbs in our summer. Even if it's not summer in your hemisphere, your personal heat index is climbing. And the other signs are all worried about getting this or that cleaned up. It's not your concern this week. You're actually in a good position, thanks to the Moon and Sun. I suggest caution though, when you start to act a little too ebullient about celebrations. It's as if the party weekend isn't over for you, and not everyone you encounter this week will gleefully enjoy your continued fascination with explosive devices. Time to be careful with the fireworks. I know you have some left over; just use a little caution when setting them off. Not everyone will react in a joyful manner at your outbursts of happiness.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 6/28-7/4

[Enter Thersites.]
"How now, Thersites! what! lost in the labyrinth of thy fury. Shall
the elephant Ajax carry it thus? he beats me, and I rail at him."

Thersites in Shakespeare's Troilus And Cressida, Act II. Scene III.

The question of the week is skulking in Scorpio.

Aries : Fireworks are in order this week. In more than one way, and I'll promise that it's good. Really good. Almost excellent. Maybe it is excellent. Then again, there's always a planet or two which seems to be out of accord with the rest of them, but I mean, it's a good week. Jupiter slides out of your sign into your buddies' sign, Taurus. And Mars slides out of Libra, where he's been opposing you, and on into Scorpio. All of this works out to be good for you. It's a form of Astrological relief, and it's been fine tuned just for you. In other words, not everyone will feel this welcome form of relief, but you will. Hope you wind up getting a bang out of this week -- just please make sure you are beyond the city limit sign.

Taurus : I know you want to party. I know you want to fax the media and get the television crew out to look at this fine mess. I know that you are more motivated this week than you have been in long time. I realize that this is due to Jupiter, but let's examine some astronomical facts, Jupiter is going to be around tantalizing you with his benevolent and beneficial energy for the next few months or so, therefore, you don't have to do it all this week. And to add a little fuel to your personal fire, Mars is back in Scorpio by the end of the week, and that's going to heat up a few of your interpersonal relationship. For good or for ill? That depends on what you do with fireworks that have short fuses.

Gemini : Fireworks are fun. But there are few little warnings that go with the fireworks this week, like, trying to find some sort of adult supervision. I realize that you're going to tell me that you are an adult, but calling a Gemini an adult can be misleading. And you want to make sure that you're not being mislead by fireworks this week. It's a subtle thing, but the little nuances aren't going to be missed by your fine Gemini mind. You just have this annoying, and potentially painful, habit of holding onto a firecracker just a little to long. Be extra careful about those short fuses.

Cancer : There are a lot of warm and fuzzy feelings kicking around in Cancer right now. But if you're having a hot summer, like we are in Texas, then these "warm and fuzzy" sentiments are like a wool sweater, and who wants to wear a wool sweater in Texas heat? To exacerbate the condition of wearing a scratchy sweater in the summer time, there's this annoying holiday called "July Fourth" and all the noise and ruckus is making you wonder. I realize that a few of you Cancer's are having birthdays, and that means you should be enjoying yourself. But the recent movement of Mars adds a slightly perturbing effect to your celebrations. Wait, wait, it's not bad, just, like all things Martian, a little caution is necessary.

Leo : I know that you feel like being a typical Leo this week. And I know that you have lots of little good things happening in your sign this week. And these minor but beneficial little orbits are going to leave you wondering just a bit. You might develop a quizzical look on your face this week, trying to figure out why something is happening. As much as I would like to explain the "why" of a situation this week, I find that it takes too long. Use your good Leo-like graces and accept the good fortune this week. The big party weekend has few extra surprises for you, and I think you need to do your best to be ready for it when it happens.

Virgo : Everybody else is geared up for a big holiday. And you've been thinking about it, but you just can't seem to make up your mind. Beach? With it's calming ocean spray and hordes of other critters in the sand? Maybe that's not the direction you want to go in. Mountains? And be forced to camp close to a rowdy group of revelers, disturbing the otherwise serene landscape? Probably not. My Virgo self is going to sit on the patio, looking over the lake and enjoy free fireworks display. Perhaps that's the best answer. Find a good vantage point and spend this week watching other people blow stuff up. Fireworks are amusing, as long as you don't get too close.

Libra : Mars is making waves, and he is taking his wave machine into another sign. That bodes well for you because these waves have been more unsettling, and a little difficult to ride. It's like surf fishing, only there's a nasty little current that plays tricks on you. Now, this nasty little set of riptides and undertows is off to bother someone else. The problems you've encountered are going to ebb, and like the flow of the tides itself, gradually recede, leaving you with a smooth expanse of beach. Now, just get ready for fireworks because it's a big party weekend coming up, and you want to be in position to enjoy yourself. A little advance planning helps at a time like this.

Scorpio : I love Scorpio, and I really love them when their ruler hits their sign. Like this week. Mars makes great waves splashing out of Libra, but he makes a stealth approach entering Scorpio. Sneaky Mars slips into your sign. Regrettably, this isn't all good because Jupiter is on the far side of the Zodiac, doing the exact same thing, plunging into Taurus. Jupiter makes a big splash in Taurus, and this big splash has a wake which reaches all the way over to your sign. So between the two, we've got a big deal coming up. How you deal with this big depends on how you employ the Martian Energy which is floating your way. I think you'll do fine. Thersites is a fine character to imitate this week, he must have been a Scorpio. Know why? Drop me an E-mail explaining why, and you might win a free abbreviated "el-cheapo" report custom crafted in Fireworks Bargain Basement Garage, just south of town on the way to Caldwell County.

Sagittarius : I saw the ultimate come on for a Sagittarius this week, on the highway, just outside of the city limits, "Buy One, GET NINE FREE!" Sounds like a Sagittarius ad, if ever I saw one. I didn't stop at the first fireworks stand because I've discovered that the farther away you get from the city limits, maybe even on into the next county, the better the deals are. One of my Bubba friends used to run a fireworks stand, and I always hated going to see him because he had a way of appraising exactly how much cash I had in my pocket and then liberating all of it. I never did understand how he knew. That's the caution, as the weekend gets closer, look out for good friends who are intent on selling you something that you need, but seem to fill their own pockets while emptying yours. Of course, I did enjoy the fireworks, those little things that "whiz-whiz, she-bang" and burst into colors....

Capricorn : I've written about times that try a body's soul, and I've written about good times. This week has nothing but good times for you. Sorry about that. There are no pejorative influences this week. The planets are moving with enough harmony to make things happen. And as soon as I suggest things are going to happen, you think, in your typical Capricorn fashion, "Right, nothing good is going to happen...." Yes, Capricorn, something good is going to happen. The nasty little stuff which was voted "most likely to make a Cappy unhappy" has been vetoed. There is nothing but positive affirmation for you this week. It's like fishing in a barrel. Better yet, it's like fishing in barrel and the fish in the barrel are especially hungry right now. It's as close as a guaranteed as I can get do.

Aquarius : It's an interesting time. No two ways about that. But if it wasn't an interesting time, you wouldn't be paying attention. With some of the planets "doing their thing," as we say in technical astrology terms, you're going to find that this one of those weeks that rates as interesting. I think there's a nefarious plot you hatched a while back, and I have strong feeling that your subtle manipulations might actually pay off in a big way. Then again, there's a little hint from Jupiter moving into Taurus that might make you bungle this week. I know that "they" say, "There are no accidents," but I would be a little extra careful with the live ammunition you were planning on using for a spectacular Fourth celebration.

Pisces : I know it's an American Holiday, and the only words I could really effectively come up with from an author who renounced his citizenship and became a British subject. The opening lines for "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T. S. Eliot are particularly appropriate this week. And what does a former American Poet have to do with your week? English teachers love Eliot because he can be taught as both American Lit and English Lit. You're going to need a little bit of this dual - purpose attitude this week. It's like a reversible fishing vest, one side is for show, and the other side has all the stuff that really need, the hooks, the lures, the pliers. Check with Eliot and then get ready for a dual - natured holiday.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 6/21-27

The strong-wing'd Mercury should fetch thee up

Cleopatra in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra [IV.xiii.65]

Disclaimer: quiz question is located in Sagitarius, conjunct Pluto.

Aries : There's a certain frenetic energy that infuses your life this week, a lot like a monster truck about to attack the moguls on the infield in some stadium monster truck racing. It's not really that bad, and the deal with the bumps? Like most of your problems this week, these are artificial constructs, something some other guy with a bulldozer put together, just to make you uncomfortable. But it's only this week, and if you hit the first one with enough speed, you can fly over the rest. If you've built up some momentum, a little speed, a short burst of acceleration in your short run towards the big pile of troubles ahead, you can get some air underneath you and literally sail over the rest of the troubles. Of course, if you falter or fail to gain to necessary escape velocity, it's going to be a long week on those infield bumps.

Taurus : Relax. Take a deep breath Imagine yourself in a little pontoon boat in the middle of the lake. Imagine yourself with an old cane pole, casually drowning works. Reminds me of Antony and Cleopatra on the Nile, in her fishing barge. This image is nothing like what your week is going to feel like, but it's a nice image. And I'm sure you get the picture. There is a little bit of turbulence on this lake, and this serene image is going to be disrupted by Saturn, still making waves. However, there is the oddest little hint that you might not be alone in this small boat of yours, and times like this, a good friend to talk to, is a wonderful asset. Your friend might work out to be something more than just a friend, but with Saturn sitting firmly in the middle of your sign, I'm not going to push the metaphor too far. You shouldn't either.

Gemini : There is the briefest lull in activity right now. Naturally, this isn't going to last all week, but the early part of the week does indeed, offer some respite. Now, a Gemini doesn't like to slow down, and this apparent little time when everything stands still is not such a bad time to pause, reflect, and look back on some of your recent accomplishments. So much for the moment of reverie. There is a certain amount of clean up required in your home. This is a good week to tackle that. If you're a good Gemini, and there is no such thing as a bad Gemini, then this is a the week to handle some of these chores around the house. Much later in the week, you're going to get your chance to get out and have some fun, but I'm serious when I suggest that you take a few days off and maybe just do a lot of nothing. I'm sure you've got a hundred and one chores that you've been thinking about getting after, and this is a good time to do it. At least think about it.

Cancer : It's the beginning of Cancer right now, and that means it's supposed to be a party. Regrettably, not everything is lining up the way you want it to line up, not this week. I wish I could make it all happen for you. But until the stars learn to obey my every command, we're both sort of stuck. However, I will promise that as the weekend draws nearer and nearer, you're going to find more little pieces of the disruptive puzzle of life will beginning to fall into place. While you've felt like someone, or something, has been holding you back, I'd like to suggest that the closer the weekend gets, the better you feel. Whatever has been exerting an influence over your life right now will suddenly feel a lot easier to deal with. And you get that good attitude back, as well. By the end of the week, you're going to be ready for a Cancer birthday bash, after all.

Leo : There are good influences, and there are some more desultory astrological aspects this week, as well. The real ability of a good astrologer can be judged by his or her ability to divine which influence has the strongest impact on your life this week. Is it the Sun, over yonder in moody Cancer now? Or is it the other little orbiting things in the heavens, like Venus and Mercury, both in your sign? Only a true Leo will know for sure, but since you're reading this, I'd make a fair assumption that are, indeed, a true Leo. Weighting this week's planetary movement, I'm more inclined to believe it's the beneficial influence of the Venus and Mercury rather than just Old Mr. Sun. But I would be a little careful about being too much of anything this week, unless you're just being a lot of Leo. It's the smaller orbiting things that have the good news.

Virgo : There's still a little tension in the air, and the good news, my fine Virgo reader, is that this tension is definitely not in your sign. However, it is rather close to you, and it's not like tension on a fishing line when you're trying to reel one in, either. It's a sort of expectancy, an air of expediency, a certain degree of exasperation with other people this week. Personally, and I have enough Virgo in my chart to make this work, I would stick close to home right now. But I wouldn't tackle any of the more dangerous details, like mowing the lawn. I realize that it's summer time here in Texas, but a little time under the swamp cooler, maybe with a good book, or, at the very least, an interesting magazine article or two will actually help. It's just a small degree of avoiding the rest of the folks who are so uptight.

Libra : Mars and Jupiter are still having a little tug of war. Both are good, and the way these two are facing off against each other might remind you of some wrestling match. This would be a world wide web type of match, wherein two guys who used to be on the same team are now trying to settle a score. Your mission, this week, should you choose to accept it, is to mediate between these two. Of course, I tend to look at this more like the job of a gladiator rather than mediator, but if you're careful, it won't be a problem. You are going to discover that there are better places to be. And it doesn't matter where you wind up this week, that better place is always going to be where you're not. It's those two planets having one last laugh at you -- don't worry about it.

Scorpio : You are a deep and intense sign, and there's just no two ways about that. Of course, this often means that the other people you encounter, dare I suggest that they are the lesser signs of the zodiac, sometimes just don't "get" you. Your acerbic wit and sardonic style often goes flying right over their little heads. And that's the trouble this week. I know you have great messages, great wisdom, and some good news, but I don't know if the "Lesser 11" will understand. It's time to put your preaching on hold for a week or so. Take notes, be studious, but act not. Or act not too rashly. Or be not rash of mouth. A hasty and ill-timed comment this week can land you in a lot of trouble, no matter how right you actually are.

Sagitarius : Ever notice that the disclaimers on advertising are getting longer and longer? That guy with the quick voice who reads the fine print manages to cram a lot of words into a short period of time? Ever wonder just exactly what he's saying? And are you tired of the probing questions yet? It's a good week for just such an investigation, for you, because there is some fine print in your life that needs your attention. This week. It's important to deal with what the little stuff at the bottom of the page says. In fact, it's a good week to hire an attorney. Let me know if you need any help because there are few good lawyers out there, and the right person to translate the fine print will make a big difference. Like everything else in life, though, you might have to wade through a few to get to the good ones. If you've got anything that isn't already listed in my web fine print, a really good disclaimer, submit it to me, and if I like it, you can earn a free abbreviated "el-cheapo" chart interpretation, delivered via E-mail.

Capricorn : You experience a great air of expectancy this week. It's like your neighbor's BBQ grill, on a Sunday afternoon. The delicious aroma of various animal parts combined with mesquite smoke and the smell of a sweet/hot sauce, and the very thought of this combination will make your mouth water. The bad news is that you're going to feel like your neighbor never invited you over to share in the fine culinary adventure about to happen. You can almost taste how good that BBQ is because the fumes keep drifting over into your space. It's enough to drive a person mad. But don't go away mad. At the very last minute, this week, you're neighbor will pop his beady little unforgiven head up, and he will invite you over to partake of the wonderful food. Don't order pizza when you can really have good BBQ, if you're just patient enough. And just how many farm animals can you fit on your plate?

Aquarius : I should have some canned text for you this week, but I can't bear the thought of recycling some trite astrology phrase for what you have happening this week. In typical Aquarius fashion, it's different for you. There's a romance thing, a hint from the heavens that a sudden, almost chance encounter delivers some one, some thing, some... words escape me. It's like, perhaps, look: when Fate delivers to your front door, it's up to you to answer the call. Heed the beckoning of the heavens and listen to what Fate has to say. You have a chance encounter that can really blow your socks off, if you get the idea, and it's up to you to seize this moment. When I suggest that you "seize" the event, I mean, grab this person or thing that gets delivered and hold on tight. It might not be a long ride, but ask any real cowboy, 8 seconds can feel like eternity. Why pass up a chance like this?

Pisces : I once wrote about "times that tried men's soul," but I was addressing the fact that almost every trip I take overseas literally wears out the soles on a pair of cowboy boots. I guess those Europeans walk a lot. In shoes. South Texas being what it is, shoes are strictly a luxury item except when we go Country and Western Dancing. Then boots are required. But having your soul tested is going to be a question this week. I think it's more like pop test as opposed to one of the Graduate Entrance Exams I once took, more like a little quiz that which greatly resembles the ubiquitous online survey forms. But you're going to feel like it's one of those massive exams and you're also going to feel like you didn't get enough sleep the night before. This is a week to be ready. Be as prepared and clear headed as possible. My wager is that you pass the test, and it will turn out to be lot less important than you think.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 6/14-20

Father's Day on Sunday

Apollo, Pallas, Jove, or Mercury,
Inspire me, that I may this treason find!

Marcus in Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus [IV.i.96-7]

Weekly trivia hunt is in the most majestic sign this week. It's a Mane Attraction.

Aries : We have a Father's Day, holiday thing coming up soon, and I always feel justified in reminding everyone about this. Especially the fine Aries folks who seem to have such a short memory for this sort of thing. However, I'm not too worried about getting any surprise holiday gifts myself. The reason gift buying is on the mind, besides the obvious tie-in to the holiday, is that the Aries folks I know are in what I call, "a major acquisition mode" and nothing is safe. The real trick this week is to grapple with the shopping demon and tone him down some. Unless, of course, you're shopping for something from the FGS store, and then, by all means, let's give that plastic a work out. But otherwise, I'd curtail some of the retail frenzy you're feeling.

Taurus : I am not so much concerned about you dealing with Mr. Saturn, the Ringed Wonder, who is in your sign this week, but I am worried about how you're going to deal with some weird energy that comes from having Venus in Leo, making a tough angle to Saturn. In proper English, this week can be really a good one for few, and for a lot of others, it can really stink. This is not an easy angle, between these two planets, but it's one that you can do something about. Or rather, do nothing about. If you do your very best to avoid a nasty confrontation, I believe you can save yourself some heartache, not to mention a headache or two, as well. As long as these two planets are bumping heads like this, one being really nice and one being ill-tempered, you're going to find that it sets a weird tone for your week. Go for the nice one.

Gemini : Let me tell you a thing or two about what I've observed with a Gemini or two, under a lunar influence like this: total weirdness. I know it's an old joke, about not getting that memo, but the lunar cycle is such that, just about every Gemini is going to feel like ya'll are on a different page of the handbook, a different text from the rest of us. Or, you may be in the same set of instruction, but being a Good Gemini, you have skipped ahead and forgotten one, very important step. It's as if your lightening-quick-like mental ability is a little out of step with the rest of the world. And, like usual, ya'll are stuck scratching your head, trying to figure out what went wrong. Slow down, take nap, sleep on it, rest up and get ready to look at this from a different perspective. And while your at it, it wouldn't hurt to shuffle through the pages, and see if you can find the steps you missed.

Cancer : It's a long haul this week because the Sun is still kicking around in Gemini, and you're left with a little bit of extra nervous energy. The sign of Gemini is ruled by Mercury and Mercury is in your sign this week. This means you're apt to be a lot more talkative than usual. And you're apt to engage your mouth long before your brain has gotten itself out of bed, much less before that same brain has had any coffee or similar caffeine-enhanced product. So until the brain gets moving, you need to watch the mouth. That would be what comes out of your mouth that you need to watch. Of course, since these are light planets, this is a fleeting influence, and it's not one that you have to be worried about all week. But when my Cancer mouthpiece starts moving ahead of its Cancer brain, I usually spend part of the week going over previously covered ground and trying to make up for the outrageous claims I made earlier. Of course, this isn't too difficult for someone who fishes. We can always cover up our fishing stories, but can you cover your tracks this week?

Leo : One of the greatest tragedies by Shakespeare is Richard the Third. In fact, there's even an organization which is devoted to undoing the harm inflicted by Shakespeare's fiction about the monarch, always trying to prove that he wasn't such a bad guy. Of course, the play has been around for several centuries, and this group is rather recent. To be truthful, the play is more fiction than fact, and Richard probably wasn't nearly as bad as the play depicts him to be. However, with Saturn and Venus doing a bit of a dance in the heavens this week, you're going to feel like Richard III, Shakespeare's R3. To be as honest as possible, the odds are against you this week, but that doesn't mean that there is no hope. I seriously doubt that you'd swap a kingdom for a horse. Or even a decent pickup truck. I have more faith in the Leo mind than that. Besides, this tough stellar stuff is over with at the end of the week, and that's good news. Got any good, juicy details from the Richard the Third Society? Drop me an E-mail and see if your details qualify for a free "el-cheapo" planet interpretation.

Virgo : There's a strange alignment in the heavens which has nothing to do with you. At least not directly. Since this has no direct bearing on your Virgo sign this week, it's not going to have an adverse effect. But it is going to have an adverse effect on people around you, and that's where the problem begins. This problem with "other people" this week is not a lost cause, and even if it was a lost cause, you'd find some way to salvage it. So I'm going to trust that your good Virgo brain will figure this one out. However, it's going to be like a bad bearing in the rear wheel of a pickup truck: it will rattle, make noise, and you'll lose efficiency. And there's nothing more irritating to any Virgo than a loss of efficiency. But you also know that the bearing can be replaced, and that will make everything better. Consider a trip to the auto parts house later this week.

Libra : Mars is moving ahead, and gather steam and momentum. I rather doubt that Mars is actually gathering steam, but it's such a pleasant metaphor, I think I'll leave it in there. And like the train pulling out of the station, especially one of those long cargo trains, you're going to begin this week feeling like you're pulling an extra heavy load. That's the way the week starts. But like Mars picking up speed, you're going to emulate the little red planet, and you, too, will gather momentum and starts chugging ahead at a much better pace. Of course, this whole scenario might remind you of the childhood story about the "Little Engine That Could," but I would never to stoop so low as to compare your week to childhood literature. But I know you can, and if you just keep repeating, "I think I can, I think I can," you'll discover that the momentum pays off because you can.

Scorpio : There are certain nuances I have to pay attention to when I aim for accurate forecasting. And while there are no big deals for Scorpio this week, there are a lot of these nuances which need to be teased a bit in order for them to make sense. And you're going to have one of those weeks when you find yourself trying to make sense out of disparate events that don't seem to make sense. There's the relationship hint that comes along in the middle of the week. There's the relationship tug that happens at the end of the week. There's a suggestion that a romantic involvement might not be as good as you think, but further evidence is required before you can make a proper assessment. See what I mean about a lot of little hints, but nothing that just jumps right up at you? Of course, being the Good Scorpio that you are, you can make some sense of these hints. I hope you'll let me know so I can add your data to the Fishing Guide to the Stars astrology database and bait guide.

Sagitarius : There's a good thing that happens at the end of last week, or at the beginning of this week. Being Sagitarius, timing is not one of your best skills. As hard as you might try to be punctual, sometime, you know, sometimes, you just get there a little late. And this is one of those weeks when you keep feeling like you've missed: (pick one) the boat, the plane, the train, the car pool, the ride, the bus, or [other]. In fact, there is a grand scheme of things, a special, underlying thread that hold everything together. As far as I can tell, this thread is manufactured by a fishing line company with the headquarters in New Jersey. "New Jersey!" You screech in dismay. I just report the facts. But this thread is consistent, if nothing else, and just because you missed one opportunity, doesn't mean that there's not something ever so much better, waiting right around the corner. I just hope it doesn't mean that I have go to New Jersey this week. But if you find yourself stranded someplace, try to pick up on the thread, and you'll find some marvelous continuity there yet.

Capricorn : I know that your tired of me talking about Mars and Jupiter, two planets doing a face-off in other sections of the sky. But as long as these two are causing trouble, you're going to feel it. At least some of the Good Capricorn's out there are going to feel it. There will be relief soon, and you will hear a bugle from over the next hill, and the guys wearing the blue uniforms will come rushing in with guns blazing, just in the nick of time to save your day. Lest you feel like your life is like an old (circa 1950's) Cowboy and Indian Film Epic, let me remind you that your life will have a certain celluloid quality to it this week. In this day and age, though, film is being replaced by video tape, but I think you've got just enough Capricorn in you so that you appreciate the high drama of the classics, which is a good quality to have this week. And you do get saved by the cavalry.

Aquarius : I like not what is in your chart for this week. It's not really bad, but there's not a lot of good there. Most Aquarius types have "problematic" relationships. Not completely, and all generalizations about one sign are false. But even if you don't usually have tedious little problems with your significant other, you are going to have some problems this week. Now, these can be small problems, but small problems are nothing more than big problems, struggling to get out of the small containers. If you are extra careful with the unusual techniques your employ this week to deal with the small problems, you will find that the big problems don't escape. But if you not careful enough with the stopper on that problem container, you might find that you've unleashed some sort of major disaster which is going to require a lot of your attention in order to clean it up.

Pisces : Harmony is a lovely term. It implies that there is an order, a distinct but discernible method to the chaos in which we all seem to thrive. Being a good Pisces, you realize what is going on, and you can always see the underlying structure. However, if you look close this week, you'll see that there are some cracks in the foundation of this order. Or that there are some tell-tale fractures and fissures in the bedrock stability of your world. Now, back the idea of harmony, and let me suggest that you turn down your own, personal music because your tune is loud enough to cause these fractures. Ever have a "metal head" live next door to you? A neighbor who insists on playing music with an ear drum rupturing bass line? This week, a lot of your neighbors are going to assume that you're the one with loud music. So if you can tone it down this week, you might discover a little bit more harmony in your world.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 6/7-13

Delay leads impotent and snail-paced beggary:
Then fiery expedition be my wing,
Jove's Mercury, and herald for a king.
Go, muster men: my counsel is my shield;
We must be brief when traitors brave the field.

Richard III, in Shakespeare's Tragedy of King Richard the Third [IV.ii.86-91]

Weekly quiz question is Conjunct transiting Pluto this week.

Aries : Centimeter by bleeding centimeter, is the best expression I have for Aries for this week, with an infinitesimal (but very welcome) change in the direction of the planets, or a planet, as the case may be, you've got it going well. Almost. Sort of. Well, kind of. It isn't happening fully yet, but it's almost done. And the linear measurement of something a lot smaller than an inch is the best way to judge the improvements in the real world this week. However, while actual gains are small and seem quite insignificant, after what you've just been through, each one of these centimeters that you gain is like a mile of tough trail. It may feel like you aren't making a lot of progress, but really, you are. And these small increments of improvement grow larger every day.

Taurus : Except for one or two special Taurus people, everyone else with this astrological placement in their chart is starting to feel like there is a ray of hope. It's not like a giant ray of hope, but there is degree of insight you have gained over the last few weeks, a secret way of looking at things that only you understand. "Bemused" is a good expression for this. And this outlook is going to give you a chance to chuckle at the foibles of the universe this week. Now, you'll be sitting in the front of the boat, quietly giggling to yourself, and your partner will get that look of consternation because he (or she) fails to understand just what is, "Just so funny," as they will say. And trying to explain your wry sense of the absurd at a time like this isn't such a good idea. Indicate that you were just remembering an old joke, and you don't think they would get it right now.

Gemini : There are a couple of Gemini's I know that are doing quite well at this point. To be sure, they've had their ups and downs, but this week, everything swings into high gear again. It's like listening to 18-Wheelers on the open road, and the driver keeps grinding his way up to the taller gears. You guys are going to feel like you're grinding your way up to taller gears, too. This isn't going to be a smooth transition, though, and you do have a few little problems along the way which might need to be addressed. As long as we're using the driving metaphor, make sure that you've got enough oil in the crankcase, and even more important, make sure that you've got the proper registration material in the glove box. While you're busy shifting into higher and higher gears, you're going to find that somebody along the way might want to check your paperwork, and it's always a good idea to be prepared.

Cancer : As long as the Sun is shining in the Gemini quadrant of the sky, it's not in the best possible place for approximately 94% of my Cancer friends. Doesn't mean it's all bad, but it is a time to take it a little more easy than you had planned. The problem is that the winged messenger is in your sign right now, so you feel like talking a lot more than usual. In fact, you're going to be tempted to talk way too much. Now, the trick with this energy is to carry a little piece of paper and a pencil this week. Write those ideas down. Don't try to tell everyone everything. It really is an annoying trait when your busy trying to tell me how to do my job. But write your observation down -- you're a witty person this week, with wonderful ideas sprouting from your fingertips. Just don't bore the rest of us with your long-winded stories. It's just the Mercurial influence of some smaller planet, and you don't have to let this get to you. Or get to us.

Leo : I'm going to stretch a little on this one, for the Mighty Leo, because I always need to reach a little farther, stretch a little higher, go the extra mile for the Lions. It's a great week in Leo Land. Venus is in your sign -- that's good for happiness. The tough planetary alignments are over with for the time being. That's good news. The Sun is over yonder in Gemini, which, once again, is good for you. In fact, with so much good energy floating around, I'm sure that you will be able to take advantage of something, soon. I've been accused of relying on a single phrase to suggest how things are going to be Leo, but you know, this week, this phrase should really , really ring true for you. Party on, Leo.

Virgo : I wish I could get a handle on just what is up with Virgo this week. Of course, there's a special Virgo I wish I could get a handle on, period. But I'm going to digress into a sad story of love gone awry if I keep talking about that one Virgo. The thing with this week, though, is a lot like that failed relationship. Or whatever it was. There is a tremendous amount of very positive growth potential in this week for the Virgo. There's a lot of good stuff going on right now. But like that failed relationship, I made one little mistake, and I was doomed to hear about for the rest of my life. And that's the way it might be this week for all the Virgo's: we're doomed to hear about all the mistakes when there really is a lot of good things happening at this time. Mars turns around, all the little planet soldiers are dressed up and marching in a benevolent fashion for you, and that one Virgo will call me and remind me that I wasn't perfect. It's not a perfect world, but that's an ideal we all aspire to. Help the rest of us this week, my Virgo friend, don't be so down.

Libra : Yes, Mars the motivator has finished a turn around trip in your sign. Yes, sometimes we would rather have him called Mars the Terminator. And while we're reeling off the planetary influences right now, Jupiter and Mars are not so close to be an exact opposition, but there will a be a few sensitive Libra types who will certainly feel the effect of this imperfect alignment. So much for the astrology update. It means that the whole scene for Libra is getting better. It may not happen all at once, but a smile has been gone from your face for while now, and you'll find that it's creeping back in now. It might be more of a wry grin, a simpering tone in your voice, but there is something that is definitely looking a lot brighter than it had before.

Scorpio : You know, M/M Scorpio, you know, it's just one of this weeks. Inch by inch, or perhaps it's slightly smaller increment of measurement, but whatever by whatever, it is improving. Mars has righted itself, and now you feel like one of those camping canoe exercises, you know, where you swamp the craft and then learn how to bail it out. The good news is that there is built in flotation devices in the good ship Scorpio this week. And the canoe trick might be something a little different -- it could be like one of those high tech, roll over kayaks this week. They're always fun to watch as they spin under and pop back up on the other side. So this week might feel like that. We can no longer keep your head under the water. I told you it was getting to be a better week, bit by bit. (just keep bailing)

Sagitarius : A long time ago, there was famous Dallas Cowboys' Quarterback. His claim to fame was the "Hail Mary" pass. He could reach to always surmount incredible odds and make it a winning game. In fact, he singlehandedly is credited with giving them the name, the "Cardiac Cowboys." This is a week, which is just like one of those games in the past, a desperate, almost futile, attempt to win works out. I'm not one for playing the long shot, the pass that comes from halfway down the field. I'm not one for suggesting that you launch one last hope with a quick prayer and trust the odd deities that it will all turn out okay. I could never suggest a long shot, with the clock running down below the two minute warning as a way to get out of your current predicament. But you never know with Sagitarius luck, it just might work this week. Just don't forget why this is called a "Hail Mary" play. E-mail me the name of that famous player, and where we both went to school, and I'll send you an abbreviated "el-cheapo" chart interpretation, custom crafted from fresh ascii, here in South Austin.

Capricorn : "But seriously folks," is about the only way I can sum up your week astrologically. I realize that some Capricorn's are accused of being too serious too much the time. And I know that there is a secret component of humor locked away in every Capricorn soul. It's time for the dry, sardonic wit to shine. Yes, brush off the jokes, lighten up your companion's load right now, and practice the stand up routine. Perhaps you're not actually going to do some real stand up comedy, but sometime this week, you will find yourself center stage, and when that white spot light is on you, a quick and amusing anecdote will help loosen up the crowd. You're going to want to be fast on your feet, and ready to deliver the punch line with your typical ascetic style. When the Universe is kind enough to give you just such an opportunity, don't let us down -- we need your humor to lighten our week.

Aquarius : To thoroughly mangle a few lines from literature is sometime a good thing to do: "Ask not for whom the relationship tolls; it tolls for you." Yes, it's Venus and yes, she's in Leo, and yes, that is opposite you, and yes, there are far too many affirmatives in this sentence. The bumpy toll road of a relationship is going to exact (extract maybe) a service charge from you this week. It's not like relationships are ever a smooth trip to begin with, but this week's stellar lineup includes some changes in your current status. This is what's going to cause a little bit of a burden on your route through this week. Of course, most signs assume when I mention "relationship" it is the "Good Ship Romance" but that's not always the case, especially with an Aquarius. And especially this week. So as you traverse this highway of love, please remember what it says at the toll booth: Exact change only.

Pisces : There are some days we'd rather just forget about. Then there is a week like this one wherein nothing seems to move quite right. Or not quite in your direction. There's a little bit of left over energy, something like an unfinished project you were working on last month, and this undertaking needs your undertaking this week. I am not being obtuse, either. There is something left over which would be a good idea to wrap up and get it done with. Put it to bed. Put it to rest. Clear out the cobwebs. Choose anyone of hundreds of cliched expressions, but do something. I'm sure you're up to it. The other item which needs your attention this week is called "leisure time." Here, at the lake, it's easy. That means a boat and a fishing pole. Your choice for leisure time might vary, but you get the general drift. Deal with the old mess and then take some time off. There, that wasn't too obtuse, was it?

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

Week of: 5/31 - 6/6

"Then, when you come to Pluto's region, I pray you, deliver him this petition"

Titus Andronicus in Shakespeare's "Titus Andronicus" [IV.iii.13-4]

Memorial Day Weekend coming up, Full Moon conjunct Pluto. For a chance to win
a prize, explain why Lockhart is so importanrt to the question in the Scorpio

Aries : I'm going to try a little indifference this week, and I would suggest
that you try a little indifference as well. Having Aries in chart usually indicates
you should be anything but indifferent. But a certain degree of aloof behavior
will stand you good stead this week. Practice the nonchalant flip of the head
and saying, "sure, whatever." This casual, yet studied, lack of apparent concern
has to do with the effect of Mars and Jupiter. The more lack of concern that
you can display, the more you keep yourself out of trouble. This planetary combination
can be forgiving right, as long as you are forgiving. Of course, the idea of
an Aries who comes across as lacking fire is an anomaly, but it's one I suggest
you try this week.

Taurus : I wonder if I should give you the big talk about balance this week?
Then again, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not sure that the long
lecture about finding balance between two places would really work. But it goes
something like this, you know, about work and spending too much time at work,
and then, when you get home you're too tired to do some of the stuff at home
that you were supposed to do, like the cat (or dog) is sitting there howling
for food and a chance to get outside, and then your mate (or spouse or insignificant
other) starts to whine like the pet, and a this whole time you're just thinking
about what a hard day you've had, and then you realize that you really could
use some time and a chance to put your feet up and do nothing. But I'm not going
to give you that talk. You would greatly benefit from trying to balance a little
leisure time into the hectic schedule this week.

Gemini : Yes, there is a lot of gravel in the sky, and yes, this metaphorical
gravel is going to find its way into your waders this week. So you'll be standing
in the middle of the stream, trying to fish, and you'll feel like the rocky
creek bed is on the inside rather than something that you should be standing
on. Don't let a little cold water bother you this week. After the hot time you've
had, regard this as a nice break in the summer heat. You need to feel a little
bit of this coolness in order to soothe your heated brow. And those rocks that
feel like they are in your waders? I wouldn't worry about -- ignore the minor
irritations, and you can be pulling a big catch this week.

Cancer : This is a week that begins on a sour note. I'm sorry, my sensitive
and introspective Cancer friend, there's not a lot I can do about that. It's
just doesn't get started right. But it does heat up, in the most pleasant way,
as the week progresses. Those troubles exacerbated by the Full Moon Fall Out,
suddenly turn into little gifts from the heavens. It's like having car trouble
and missing a special fishing trip. Then, as you later discover, the game warden
made a special trip just to visit your compadres, and no one had an up to date
fishing license. You would have been in trouble, but you had to get a new battery
for the truck, instead. Look at it this way, the money they spent on fines,
you spent on a new battery. You get a charge out of your investment for a little
bit longer. So don't worry about missed opportunities this week -- it's just
a great form of problem avoidance, heaven sent.

Leo : I was going to use a Thesaurus to help find the best way to address this
week, but I think a nice way to address this week, for my mighty Leo friends,
is to suggest that the old tune, "Return to Sender -- Address Unknown...." would
be the easiest way to deal with this week's troubles. Just send those old problems
packing, just send them back to where they came from. Life is too short and
too sweet this week to let minor problems with insignificant details get in
your way. of course, you're bound to let one or two of the troubles sneak up
on you, but it's not really as bad as you think. And merely reflecting your
ailments and difficulties back to the source might not make you immediately
popular, but I'll bet at least one of your Fishing Buddies will say, "Hey, you
were a jerk for doing that, but you know, you were right. See here, I've fixed
the motor now...."

Virgo : Except for one special Virgo, and you know who you are, there is nothing
really good happening this week. It's the fall out from several problems, the
culmination of many little disasters which are all getting together and showing
up on your doorstep. There's nothing worse than opening the front door of the
trailer and finding a big bundle of troubles. It used to be several, smaller
and disparate packages, but the delivery person just lumped it all together
as one. Now you're stuck with it. Having painted myself into a Virgo corner,
let me offer some small ray of hope. If you leave the package on the front step
unattended this week, it will fester and grow, spreading contagion everywhere.
If you unwrap it on the front step, and begin addressing those little problems,
one at a time, it will get resolved. Not all at once, but a little bit at a

Libra : I don't really like what's kicking up its heels in Libra this week.
Mars is in position that will have a good side effect, a little later, like
next month. Unfortunately, that doesn't help this week. And Jupiter is acting
in tandem with Mars this week, to bring a little bit of extra attention to your
corner of the sky. Again, this isn't exactly what you want. But like I was reminded
so many times before, there is no such thing as "bad press." Any publicity,
good, bad or indifferent, is supposedly good. Of course, in my case, I just
wish they had left the details of the arrest report out of the paper, but it
did make me a martyr in certain circles. You're going to feel just like I did,
that fateful night back in, oh dear, I can't even remember what decade it was,
anyway, you're going to like the idea that your name is in the paper, or up
in lights, or something this week. Even if it isn't a good mention, you will
attract some attention.

Scorpio : This week in Scorpio land, we get a visit from an old friend, one
who is back for a brief check-up. This is, of course, a small planet - like
object in the sky, and it brings some strange questions with it. You're going
to find that this whole Moon Phase, Lunar Influence, whatever you want to call
it, is going to bring up many questions which need to be asked. A good Scorpio
(c'mon, all Scorpio's reading this are good Scorpio's) will ask the questions
and want to dig out the answers. Questions are good this week. In fact, you
can hone in on some real zingers if you like. So asking the questions is a good
idea. Now, we have to lower your expectation of answers this week because you're
going to find that you asking questions which have no definitive answer, but
bear further research, questions like, "Where is the best BBQ in Texas?" and
"Who has the best Chicken Fried Steak?" The definitive BBQ trail should lead
to Lockhart, Texas, but that's a subjective opinion. See what I mean about questions
and answers this week?

Sagittarius : There's the hunter and then there's the adventurer. Two facets
to a Sagittarius mind. This week, what with all the lunar dust kicked up, it
is better to be the adventure oriented Archer rather than the killer type. Or
hunter type, if the word "killer" bothers you. You can be deadly accurate with
your aim this week, that's the good news, but life is short and fleeting, and
you should be more intent on getting out and seeing things, rather than hunting
them down. I know you still feel the hunter instinct kicking around inside your
brain, but it just isn't dear season yet. In fact, it isn't season for anything
but a good romp on the path towards exploring something new. Leave the firearms
at home this week, and I'll tell you that you won't need them. And you'll be
happier in the long run.

Capricorn : There really needs to be a vault someplace for dead cartoon characters.
Calvin and Hobbs, Bill the Cat and so forth. Maybe there is such a resting place,
a place where we can morn the characters who have lived in lives, brightened
our days, and brought forth great metaphysical truths. I know that the cartoons
are not the place to seek out true enlightenment, but it's not a bad place to
start. And sometimes humor has more truth than fact. So approach this week with
a little extra dose of enlightened humor because you're going to need it this
week. It's not you that is the problem, no, it's people around you who are increasingly
difficult to get along with. It's easy to suggest that you laugh it off, but
my Capricorn indicator shows humor as being the only viable option this week.
Humor is more effective than other weapons.

Aquarius : The effect of the Full Moon on the Aquarius is well-documented.
It's well-documented that you guys never pay any attention to the phase of the
moon, nor do you let a little emotional turmoil interfere with your well-ordered
life. Not usually. Always trying to be a bit different, aren't you? Of course.
Now, I humbly submit to you, that this is the week when the Lunar Phase will
have a bigger impact than you are willing to admit. So rather than fight this
influences, might I suggest you take a lesson from another side of the zodiac
circle? yes, try what the Leo usually does best: party on. I realize that this
is not exactly your normal style, but with everything kicking around in the
skies right now, it's up to you to enjoy some of this energy. And yes, the joyous
attitude is here this week. Use it.

Pisces : In strictest astrological technology terms, the full moon is actually
on Sunday, May 30. But that isn't going to slow you down this week, because
Monday starts with a bang, and it keeps on going. And going and going and going.
It's like that little bunny which has transmogrified and moved from being a
silly commercial to actually being part of the milieu of the times. If you don't
get the bunny thing, then look at it this way, you've got an extra dose of energy
this week. Just do something constructive and try not to hurt anyone else with
your overzealous attitude. Besides, there's a little holiday this week, and
that extra day is going to prove rather useful.

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