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> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
> Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility
> in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
> GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
> Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust
> action.
>
> "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any
> and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
> anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
> computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear
> fire."
>
> Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
> dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
> Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was
> Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike
> vacation."
>
> In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
> boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
> President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime,
> and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration
> will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
>
> Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
> justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
> Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
> "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but
> we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of
> Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT
> products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny
> the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
> Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an
> OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what
> they deserve."
>
> The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain
> why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The
> Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said
> Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about
> cold fusion."
>
> Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
> California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
> all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the
> project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
> progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>
> Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
> rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
> deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the
> biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
> engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second
> time."
>

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