For the week of: 9/24-30/2001
“What is the city but the people?”
in Shakespeare’s Coriolanus [III.i.198]

Saturn starts his annual backwards trek this week. What’s that mean? Relative to our position in the grand scheme of things, it looks like Saturn is moving backwards when compared to the position of the other planets and the stars. [Saturn doesn’t really “go backwards” but like many things on TV, it appears that way].

Aries: As a word to the wise, and if you’re reading this, then you must be wise, but as word to the Wise Aries Reading This Column, do us both a favor, and make little, if any effort to to tell the rest of the world how unfairly you’ve just been treated. I know it, you know it, but not everyone is as astrologically savvy as you and I. So get the hint, sit down, fume a little bit,, and then plot some revenge, then toss out the idea of revenge because that invites bad karma [or something like that], and you’ll notice that we’re both wasting an awful lot of valuable Aries time worrying about things which we can’t control. The deal is this: you’re tempted to tell it to the world, and I’m telling you to shut up. So divergent paths don’t usually meet, but I know what’s up ahead, and like a an early warning device, if you start in on your litany of complaints right now, no one will be sympathetic. I mean, I will, but I’m the only one. Can it, zip it, shut up. Your pleading and similar efforts? They all sound like whining to the masses. No reason to exacerbate your present situation and alienate your friends. Will it get better? That’s up to you, and if you can keep quiet for a little while, it will definitely improve.

Taurus: When you least expect it, there is some much needed assistance that whiffles in from some strange portion of the sky. It’s like a guardian angel. No, it’s like a guardian spectral figure materializing from the Fifth Dimension, coming down from the Astral Plane to help you out, and them, in a moment, this assistance disappears. But you’re now out of a tight spot. Help comes in the strangest of place, in the strangest of ways. I’m pretty used to the definition of “Lunch with Bubba” meaning I’m buying him something to eat because he hasn’t consumed food in over 24 hours. “I just thought we’d hang out some,” really means he’s hungry and broke. But you get the nicest little lift, in the same way I get from Bubba, when you least expect it. He suggested lunch (BBQ it was, if I recall), and when we picked up our grub, he also surprised me and picked up the tab for the meal. Even better, he did so without a some sort of ostentatious flourish that he was being overly magnanimous. Get the picture? He was just being nice. Some one offers to buy you lunch at a seedy little BBQ joint in a small town in Texas? Enjoy it.

Gemini: Long term prognostications for a Gemini is different than long term prognostications for one of those other signs, like a Taurus or a Scorpio. Mention long term to those signs, and they are looks weeks, months, even years down the road. Mention long term to Gemini, and we’re thinking, “That’s like tomorrow, right?” Right idea, wrong direction. Let us look at a little seriously long term stuff because there is a flavor that is coming along, it’s not here just yet, but you get a hint or two, at this time, in order to get ready for it. Cast as far back in your Gemini mind as you can. Go back two, three even four or five years, and look where you were. Now, scan forward, past this week, past next week, on up to a few months on the future. There’s a little task you’ve been avoiding, something which needs to be done, and you’ve been putting this off. Start now. Get a running start at this, it looks like a it’s problem you will have, but you’ve just been avoiding dealing with it. Start working on it now. It’s like this one wheel bearing in my truck, and I’ve been meaning to fix it, but I was just sort of waiting until it quit working altogether. Bad move, we’ll both be stranded if we don’t fix this ahead of the breaking point.

Cancer: One of my employees recently started carrying a briefcase, a smart looking, genuine fake leather briefcase — he’s trying to upgrade his image from wearing jeans and T-shirts to business attire and from a former student backpack to that fake leather briefcase. But one day last week, he comes in and slams his briefcase down on the counter. Makes a good noise, a satisfying noise, and the little calculator (we still don’t know why he carries that) the little calculator no longer works, not after that slam dunk on the counter. Got a good image of that this looks like? Cheap suit, cheap accessories, bad attitude? You’re getting to be just like him. You’re trying to move a little too fast with this upgrade. It should all come at a slightly more sedate pace. You can’t expect a lot of changes to be understood, not as nearly as quickly as you’ve been changing. So slow down. To be fair, though, that little outburst, the slamming of the briefcase? It sure made a point. We’re all beginning to think he needs to cut back on caffeine. You might want to think about that, too. You’re a little on edge, and nothing is going to take that away, not at the present.

Leo: You are halfway there. That’s the message. Whatever the big destination is, you are one-half of the distance from point A to point B. 50% of your journey is now accomplished. One-half. The glass, if you like this analogy, is one-half full. Not nearly empty, but not more than half full. Got the idea? You have accomplished one-half of the goals you set out to achieve. You’re getting closer, and there is no other message with this, other than to look at what you’ve done, and figure, you’re one-half of the way there. You can moan, “Halfway? After all my work?” But complaining doesn’t get anything accomplished, and complaining doesn’t move you any closer to the goal. It’s not all bad, it does suggest that you are closer than you were, and while you’re not “there” [whatever “there” is], while you’re not there yet, you are 50% closer than you were. This is progress. This you moving in a direction that you wanted to proceed. But you can’t sit back and bemoan your fate right now — you must keep the forward momentum you’ve got going, and you have to keep plugging away. Remember, you’re halfway there.

Virgo: I want you to imagine you’re looking at a great big, glossy, high quality photograph of this. I want you to imagine that you’re looking at a picture that looks like it was taken by a professional, the old-fashioned way, done from image to film, correct light exposure. I want you to get an 8 by 10 of this image. Things, for the time being, are good in Virgo land. And no sooner do I suggest that than you-know-who fires me off an e-mail with her litany of complaints. I won’t even read it this time. I’ll just delete it. I’ll have my Virgo filter set to delete complaining letters, and I won’t ever see it. So hold the complaints. If you look at it from a point of view of plusses and minuses, if you look at it from a point of view, like putting it on a ledger sheet, Virgo-Accountant style, if you have to sit down and look at it yourself, you’ll find there is a lot more good than bad. Period. No other options here. I’m not accepting anything less than “all is good” in Virgo land. Got that picture? Hope so.

Libra: Birthdays in Texas are usually much more than just an excuse to party. On more than one occasion, me and some friends have talked our way out of a ticklish legal situation by explaining to the officer, “See? It’s his birthday, c’mon man, give him a break, he’s just trying to have a little fun.” Looking appropriately contrite usually helps, too. The trick in making this ruse work is to look appropriately apologetic — act like you mean it — when confronted with the apology scene coming up. Say you’re sorry, feel like you should atone for your sins, then get on down the road. Remember? You were having birthday type of celebration, and I see no reason, not after you confess your sins, humbly beg forgiveness, I see no reason not to resume just exactly what you were doing. There’s always the outside chance that you don’t have to beg forgiveness, but given the way things are going, be prepared to, if the need arises. Then go on and have some fun. Or get back to having fun.

Scorpio: We need to work on some very careful use of words. Not long ago, the state lottery was up high. Remember? Then some fool (that fool would be anyone but you or me) won. Obviously, they don’t know how to spend that money, not the way we would do it. [I’m thinking a Double-Wide trailer, myself.] Now, that the big pot is out of the way, and even though you’re feeling lucky, you need to consider before you buy a whole bunch of lottery tickets. We have a joke, circulates from time to time, about how the state lottery is nothing more than tax for folks who ain’t none too good at math, the odds are kind of staggering. So you’re feeling lucky, but the odds are against you. I don’t want to dissuade you from buying a single lottery ticket, but the odds are against you, even though you feel lucky. So if you’re a gambling person, then gamble wisely. Remember: just because you feel lucky, that doesn’t translate into being lucky. Limit the extravagant purchases right now. If you’re supposed to win that lottery, then you’ll win on just one ticket. Of course, you’ll also remember me? Right? The usual fee is a mere 1%.

Sagittarius: I hate being forced to rely on cheap shots, or worse, cheap sports metaphors, but sometimes, nothing else conveys the right sense about what is going on. Say the Sagittarius life is like a football game right now (that would be American Football, the way the good lord intended football to be played), and say that it looks like the Sagittarius team is so far ahead of the opposing team, and say that the Sagittarius coach wants to preserve some of his better Team Sagittarius players for later, what does he do? There’s the second string. And the way things are going, there’s even the third string, and there’s this one water boy who’s always wanted to play a game, “Hey coach, let him in, too.” You may not feel like Team Sagittarius is far enough ahead to do this, but if you play the ball game right, you can exercise all of the players, even that lowly water boy, and let everyone have a hand in the big win. You are winning, aren’t you?

Capricorn: Have you been practicing your quick-draw move? Usually, this is done (around here, anyway) with a pistol, preferably a wheeled handgun — that would mean a revolver. Like in the movies, you know? Now, times being what they are, and handguns being inherently dangerous except in mature, well-adjusted adult hands, maybe you won’t be practicing a quick-draw move with a big pistol. Maybe it’s your Personal (digital) Data Assistant, how fast can you flip its cover open and look up a phone number? How fast can you reach for that cell phone hanging from your belt? How fast can you dial up that good restaurant and make reservations? How fast can you flip the laptop computer open, hit the program and retrieve the important data? How fast can you draw your sidearm — side arm being your weapon of choice — and how fast can swing into action? This is important. How fast can you get this sort of physical action done? Practice a little before you are forced to see just how quick your Capricorn Quick Draw is.

Aquarius: So you’ve got a simple, easy, basically binary proposition for your next few days. Dreamer or realist? Pick one, can’t be both, not right now. But if you choose correctly, then your dreams might just very well come true. Of course, seeing as I live in Texas, and it’s sometimes a pretty thin line between what is real and what is just a bunch of stuff we all tell tourists, seeing as how the line between the real world and the world of fantasy and myth is pretty easily confused, you need to think twice before you make your selection. You do realize, some of the stories, which appear to be made up, are straight fact. Other stories, though, sometimes the hyperbole is a bit excessive, and we’re just pulling your gullible leg. Tough call for Aquarius. What is fact, what is fiction, what is what you want it to be, and what is it really? Like some of the aforementioned Texas Tall Tales, you might want to check the sources before you start discounting everything as just a bunch of made up stuff — we really do have: bars with rodeo arenas in them, the largest statue of a roadrunner, Jackalopes, and a place (outside Amarillo) with a bunch of old Cadillacs stuck in the ground. And that’s the more normal stuff, around here.

Pisces: If you would just relax some of your hard and fast rules, just relax some of your standards, just take it a little easy on yourself — and others — you’d find it’s a lot easier to get what you want. I’ve got this one Pisces friend, and she kept insisting on finding the right mate, but I kept telling her that her standards were too high, way to impossible to reach. [That means I was out of her league, so to speak.] She wanted a mate who was at least breathing and thinking. Once again, I suggested that the standards were just a little too high. Spontaneous respiration, marked sentience? Isn’t that asking a bit much of a date? If you’re willing to relax your standards a little, a perhaps develop a more political way of looking at things, maybe consider changing your point of view, good things could happen. Don’t get too pushy, either, that’ll help as well.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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