Elvis in 1999....

Birth Data: Jan. 8 1935, 4:35 AM, Tupelo, MS (USA)
(data courtesy of TCR Software)

Elvis is a Capricorn with Sagittarius Ascendant, and a gentle Pisces Moon.

January: The first part of the month sees the Sun return to its natal position. When this happens, the Solar Return, it gives an indication of the flavor that the year is going to have. While "deep fried" might be a better term for a year like what's up ahead, it looks the King will have a Virgo Moon, loosely conjunct his midheaven for the year. This is going to impart a purposeful sense to this year. It's a time when he will apply a little bit of that Virgo sensibility, rather than risibility, to looking for a job change. Mars is also going to lend some energy to this idea of a change of employment. It's time for the King to put some energy into career matters, and this is a theme for the rest of the year, as indicated by his Solar Return. It's also a big time for concerns for his appearance as Pluto makes the first of several approaches to his Ascendant.

February: Pluto makes its closest approach on this round to the King's Ascendant. Going to make for some drastic changes -- I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that he's changed his wardrobe from Hawaiian shirts to a more somber black T-shirt and sports jacket. This is further emphasized by the fact that there the eclipse of this month hits his 3/10 axis. That eclipse happens at a very late degree of Aquarius, and it's guaranteed to set up some unstable energies with the car department in his life. Time to consider a new car. Or, seeing as how he's a Cap, a new, old car. Perhaps one of those V-8 Fords that he always sings about. It's not until the end of this month that Pluto slows down in order to change his direction. And Pluto is still in Sagittarius, still going kind of slow. Time to look at the old closet and consider getting something new. And don't let that Old Kentucky Blue Moon get you down with this eclipse.

March: "I heard the news, there's a good rocking tonight!" That's a simple message for this month because the Sun passes over the lowest point in his chart at this time. The only drawback might be the little Mercury thing coming up, but even that won't upset the King too much. It just heightens his chance of exposure because carefully constructed plans seem to fall apart at this time. This is exacerbated in his chart by the fact that Mars will begin its retrograde path in his 11th House, Mars does a backward spin about once every two years, and it's normal set of brakes on the wheel of life. While this might slow a lot of us down some, it doesn't look like it has an adverse affect on the King. It's just matter of dealing with friends in a different way. A seance to resurrect the spirit of the Colonel might be in order this month. It could be a big media event.

April: It's a funny month because it begins with more than the usual Fool for April First. There's a nice Sun and Jupiter conjunction. In the King's chart, it occurs in his 4th House. Now, Jupiter is the lucky star. And it always takes a little bit of a helping hand from Lady Luck to get through the month of April. The outpour of mirth and merriment quickly goes away for his Capricorn Sun is just as quickly squared by the Sun as it moves along its prescribed path. This is a time when all Caps want to stop and figure a few things out. Things like which way is really up, and what do I really want to be doing? The fun of April First grinds to halt pretty fast. There's an added consideration in the King's chart, towards the end of the month, as Venus makes a fast pass into his 7th House. New romance? Old spark? Old flame come back to visit? With Mars doing a rear guard motion, it's likely to be the old flame variety.

May: This year's Mar's Retrograde is about to come to a halt, and it slows down, just about to turn around but doesn't quite make it. Almost but not quite. In the later part of the month, Mars slides back into Libra and this will affect the King because his Saturn is at a late degree of Aquarius. It's easy to see a little comic relief here, you know, when a material arts person attempts to break the stack of boards? And fails miserably? That's what happens under this stellar influence. I'm not predicting a broken wrist, but he might not be able to do some of the activities he used to pursue. In fact, anyone with a little Aquarius in them needs to be careful right now. And that lovely Venus in the 7th House thing draws to a close this month, too. Time to move on.

June: I don't want to put ideas in your head, or worry you about certain activities of this old guy, but the King has a hot June coming right up. It doesn't happen right away, but it does get going, a little later in the month. There's a New Moon at a late degree of Gemini, and then the Moon, as soon as it gets done with the Sun conjunction, it makes a respectable angle to Mars which is no longer retrograde at all. And all this stuff is going to start something up, or make something happen, or give the King impetus to forge ahead with a new relationship or partnership because this is all happening in his 7th House. Bet it's a new release of old material, given his Capricorn sensibilities.

July: It really depends on your location on the planet, but in most cases, actual Full Moon is over before this month really starts. However, there will be some lingering affect of the Full Moon to help kick off the month with a party like atmosphere. Hey, the King didn't get the handle, "The Memphis Flash" for no reason. And that's what this month starts out like, with a lot events occurring rather rapidly. The heat of summer gets a brief respite with the New Moon, shortly before the Ides of July. This is a time for someone to come through with some extra front money for the King because this New Moon, while almost opposite his Capricorn Sun, is in his 8th House. That sets a good tone for the rest of the month.

August: This is a month that will be called by many different names, but I don't think most of the names should be printed in a family magazine, and I seriously doubt that the King would allow this sort of language. There's Venus retrograde in his 9th House, there's a minor Mercury Retrograde, and there's an eclipse which does the worst damage, and at the same time, allows for the most forward motion. Romance for the King will be rocky at this time because because the both the eclipse and the Venus Retrograde are opposite his Saturn. Means there's an issue there which has been left to fester for a long time, and this one looks like it involves strong women in his life. Could be a problem, but you know, it's one of those little things that should have been taken care of years ago. That's the delicate nature of the Venus Retrograde.

September: The New Moon in early September corrects all of August's assorted astrological afflictions. While this a chance for a some healing and restorative medications and ministrations to take place, with Mars kicking up his heels in the King's 12th House, I'm not so sure that he's going to be as restive as he should be. This Mars situation is further enhanced, or made more irritable, by rolling past Pluto which might bring a certain situation to a roiling boil. Then again, this might all just pass as quickly because just as soon as Mars gets past Pluto, Mars passes the King's ascendant, and that's when things get good. Some travel will be featured, later in the month, brought about by Mars. Looks like a trip to the Father Land, back to Tupelo.

October: Early in October, Jupiter and Neptune square each other pretty good. This is pretty important to anyone with planets at early fixed degrees, and the King has a little node right there. What could be worse than having a gas giant sit on your node? How about two gas giants? That's what it looks like for him. However, this is a quick connection this time, and those two drift into separate places pretty quick. And the end of the month is a favorite time for people in hiding because they can dress as themselves. That's why the Mercury retrograde might not be such a bad time for him to play like himself. And the King never really left, he's been with us all along.

November: This month holds an time of regeneration as Mercury spends most of the month retrograde in Scorpio. This path starts out in Sagittarius, but it quickly slides back into the Scorpion's sign. And that means the retrograde pattern for the King deals with matters of his 12th House, matters of the subconscious. Time to rethink, retrench, and rework some old material. There will be some new material from the King this year, some forgotten recodings at Sun Studios, something deep and dark bubbling up from a backwater that no one expects. It's like the old "Hayride" recodings, no available on CD. Of course, like a Mercury Retrograde, these "Hayride" songs don't offer good sound quality. This isn't the beginning of the King's digital age, even though the Jupiter and Uranus Square this month might have more symbolism for the rest of us.

December: There is a strange little dichotomy that sets itself up every years in the King's chart, around this time of the year. The sun goes blazing its way across his ascendant, and this is a like birthday to many. In fact, the good things which are supposed to happen on a birthday usually really occur at this time. Then there's also a little problem wit the 12th House at this time, because the trailing edge of the planets are still over yonder in his 12th House. On the one side of the coin, let's call it "heads," he's a happy person right now, with a full year behind him. On the other side of that coin, though,m it's "tails," and he's still has some lingering insecurities nibbling away at his soul's dark side. It always works out by the time holidays get into full swing, it's just the getting there that can be a little tough. He finds himself wondering about mistakes, perhaps dwelling on them too much at this time. As the days get shorter, though, he really begins to shine. y Xmas time, he has a whole new attitude, one that is bright enough to carry him into the next millennium.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999. Elvis is a trademark of Elvis Presley, etc.

Week of: 12/28/98 - 1/3/99
The new Millennium is literally years away, at this point, about two years away. And that song from Prince is still going to be ringing in our heads as we all approach the "fin de secile" time.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Venus, the Saturn, and the Moon, by the end of the week, are going to add to the increasing paranoia that you've been feeling because it really does feel like "they" are all out to get you. And just because you're not normally the paranoid types, doesn't mean that other folks aren't out to get you this week. I know, it's supposed to be a fun time, but the perturbations in the planets' orbits is making this a tad uncomfortable for you this week. Don't let the insignificant details bog you down this week, like a monster truck in the mud bog from hell, if you know what I mean.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: While other signs are feeling less than wonderful, except for a troubling lack of sleep, things ought to be going rather well for you. I mean that. It's a good week, No, it's a great week. So what if you can't get enough sleep right now? This won't be too much of a problem. The usual warnings apply, of course, be careful when operating heavy machinery, bass boats and old Ford trucks. You should know better about that, though. Happy New Year, dude (or bubbette, whatever).

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Okay, try it this way: other folks are uptight because of the holiday season, worried about credit card bills and so forth, but you're not. Nope that isn't quite right. Okay, imagine this: you're on the lake, all alone, nary a breeze blowing, and you cast your line into that one special place and get a strike on the fist cast. Nope, that's not quite it, either. See, there's some good stuff for the Twins this week, but there isn't enough of this good stuff to go around. Other folks wind up envious of your apparent success right now. Don't let it get you down.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: There's just a couple of problems this week. Not big troubles, just annoying little ones. I mean, the worst of this is that the big date for the big night might just fall through. That, in and of itself, isn't too bad. But that's just one indication of the way the week goes. There's also an indication that your little back-up plan might work a bit too well, i.e., both your dates show up. If I were younger, I would offer a helping hand, and take one of your dates off your hands; however, I can't seem to keep up with angry significant others as well as I used to, so this week, love is your problem.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Think back to the early 1970s. Think back to the music that was playing then. Realize this, my fine Leo friend, that the dawn of the age of whatever is a done deal as far as you are concerned. It's been a long, and somewhat strange year to begin with, and now, you've got another one in the works. You've got some travel coming up, and I can only hope that this includes a trip to see your favorite astrologer. After all, you need some solace during these long and dark winter nights.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: For some reason, romance always looks good right about now. and this is, seriously now, a good week for romance. It's a high time for you to do something about the romantic predicament you got yourself into, as of late. I know you're still looking for the perfect mate. But please, remember, unless you score yourself another Virgo, no other sign will measure up to your exacting standards. So with all this positive romance stuff going, maybe dating yourself at this time is the best bet.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Action and adventure are waiting for you, right around the metaphorical corner. That's the good news. But any time I start out with good news, you always get worried about the other news, don't you? Well, this week, you should be. Venus and the Sun are in Capricorn, and if you remember my last lesson about astrology, Capricorn is a Cardinal sign, like you, and that means it makes an angle called a "square" to you. It ain't wonderful, that's for sure. So just keep your eyes on the future. Yes sir, that's the best bet.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: floating in a late degree of Scorpio this week, are two of the leaders of the pack, leaders of the feminist asteroid pack, I should say. And like rabid, hairy-legged, tree-hugging, sandal wearing, tofu-eating earth muffin, these two little asteroid thingys are forcing you to take a look at some "issues" this week that you might want to avoid. The good news is, though, that the "issues" resolve in a pleasant way. Just don't plan on the outcome of some events. This week, things might turn out better than you expected.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Old Mister Mercury is hot on you this week, making tracks across your horse's backside. Be careful of the motor mouth syndrome. Instead of running off at the mouth, under this little kick from mercurial influences of the heavens, try to contain yourself. You would hate to be the last person standing at the party, on that fateful evening, still talking, now wouldn't you?

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Somewhere, out in the land filled with FGS Faithful, there's a lucky Capricorn. Is it going to be you? It could very well be. It's the birthday segment of our regularly programmed material, which means you are going to feel like a star on some Saturday Morning Fishing Program. Bass Masters of the Universe. Doesn't matter where you are, if you are that one special Cap, you know that this a good week for you to shine. Just think, we'll be sending the limousine around to pick you up soon. Or maybe an old truck. But you will be taken care of in high style, that's for sure.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: These are the days of wine and roses. I just hope it isn't Rose who is doing the whining. You need to exercise a little bit more caution than usual in the coming days, as this new year thing gets kicked off. Mr. Sun is in the Aquarius collective unconscious right now. So you need to watch the mouth a bit. In fact, be very careful about not shooting off at the mouth this week. In your romance arena, that great big tractor pull in the sky of love; however, you've got a little boost from Mars. Careful, though, because Mars can work like turbocharger this week.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Precision is your word for this week. I know, I know, everyone else is out having a good time. You need to stick to the precise nature of things. I realize you would rather use broad strokes for painting this canvas, but a week like this requires precision. It's like the difference between using a net and fly-fishing. One covers a large area and catches everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. The other just catches the sweetest tasting trout which need to be pan fried in a little butter in order to make you happy. Remember to be precise this week.

Week of: 12/21-27

Aries : It's that old Pagan celebration, Yule Time, and it's an indication that the the Sun is sliding on into the Sign of the Sea Goat, and it's a going to be a happy Christmas time for most of the Aries out there. There will be a few of you who are going to complain, however, the worst is over with. Mostly, anyway. Mars is still in Libra, but that can bring a degree of balance to your ruling planet, in strictest astrology talk. In less than strict astrology speak, have yourself a safe and happy holiday -- it's a turning point of sorts for you.

Taurus : You're going to feel like a monster trophy-sized fish this week, caught on one of my Zara Pooch (tm) lures. Any sporting fly fisherman will tell you that the true sportsman (sports-person for the PC) will crush the barb on the hook so as to not damage the fish. And that hook in your metaphorical mouth this week is a good one -- it won't damage you. So get with hooked with the holiday spirit. After the Solstice, you will notice that things just start to look better and better.

Gemini : Good news for your holiday time -- you've found yourself approaching this holiday with a higher than normal sense of fear and trepidation. Conspiracy theorists love this feeling of impending doom. Gemini's don't really relish the thought; however, as the big holidays get closer, you will gladly perish the thought. Yes, it will turn out to be okay. The gloom and doom becomes love and light as the days begin to get longer. [Mr.Science says, "The shortest day of the year is the Winter solstice, and the days begin to get longer after that.]

Cancer : Okay, I figure I have to work at this week backwards. There's a holiday in Jolly Old England called "Boxing Day." And see, for you critters that are so influenced by the moon, Boxing day is the beginning of the good times for you. So look it up on an international calendar, and check it out. This doesn't mean the rest of the week isn't good, but the stars all seem to turn in your favor on this day. Perhaps the Old English folks had the right idea.

Leo : Christmas day, this year, is going to be filled with lots of little ups and downs. Now, please, please, please don't get me wrong! I don't mean this in a bad way, not in the least. However, there are some unexpected arrivals showing up. You might even get a few odd phone calls on this holiday, a veritable "blast from the past" as the cliche goes. Get ready for a rollicking part weekend coming up, too, because things are going to heat up nicely. Just be a little more fluid than usual about your plans. Looks like there are some last minute "course corrections" which are going to be needed.

Virgo : I kept telling you to hold out just a little longer, and this is the week when all the little plans all start to come together. Just like I said. It starts out a little rough because there's always that one person you forgot to get a present for (didn't I tell you about a checklist?) Don't you hate last minute crowds and shop[ping? Imagine the poor souls who work there, and have a little pity on them. Treat them to some last minute Virgo kindness. The rest of the week just gets better and better for you.

Libra : Things in Libra land are okay. And they will stay okay for a while. Mars is exciting you to very edge and limit of what your patience might be. It's like, even though it's Xmas week, you might get cornered at a party and be forced to listen to one more "abducted by space aliens" story. Please try to be nice, and exhibit some of that diplomatic ability you are famous for. And don't worry about the strange look in the person's eyes, the one telling the story.

Scorpio : Romance is hot this week, but alas, there's still that pesky problem with Mars floating nearby, but not yet in a place where it will do you good. Careful with those little pieces of plastic this week because you're going to be more than tempted to call up that number on the TV screen and order up that fabulous set of kitchen equipment. No, it's not a good week to watch the shopping network because you are more prone than ever before to fall under the spell of some marketing ploy. And no Scorpio needs to ever feel manipulated -- worse yet, by the media.

Sagittarius : Pulling out of a Mercury retrograde is kind of like getting a in suicide mission airplane, I believe they were called "Kamikazes", and deciding, at the last moment, you don't want to go there. It's kind of tough when you don't have helmet or a parachute, either. So, for spending Xmas with the family, I suggest packing a few extra items to help ease yourself out of a bad situation. It never hurts to be too prepared, even though this isn't a typical Sagittarius trait.

Capricorn : It's the beginning of the Capricorn season, and for some strange reason, that coincides with a Pagan Holiday and a Christian Holiday. In case there's any other religious group I haven't insulted, or I have inadvertently insulted, I'll apologize now. Sorry! I didn't mean it! Now, my Cappy friends are going from what has been a bad week (bad as in terrible, not bad as in good) into a new found peace and harmony. And said peace and harmony is long over due. It's like a cosmic credit card, and your karma is finally paid in full. Enjoy a fine holiday and happy birthday!

Aquarius : Details! Details, details and more, annoying details! Sorry about that, but your attention span isn't what it's supposed to be right now. But thanks to a benevolent influence from Mars, over yonder in Libra, you've got a lot of energy. Now, the real trick is to gather this energy up, pull it all together so to speak, and enjoy the sprint to the holiday gathering. It's Xmas in Texas, and you should be having a fine holiday, as well. Just remember to check the details.

Pisces : The cold, dark winter nights aren't all bad, you know. It's a great time to get yourself cozy by a fireplace, drink a warm toddy, maybe some nice, herbal tea, and enjoy the holidays. A Peppermint-Hibiscus blend is perfect for a time like this. A little read, a little green, it makes the perfect Xmas tea. something to warm your spirits on a cold winter night. And for that one Pisces in the Southern Hemisphere, try pouring the hot tea over ice.

Week of: 12/14-20

Aries : I would hate to think that me, as an astrologer, would pander to just a single Aries. Not a column for the whole sign, but just that one particular Aries out there having some of the trouble. Everyone else is doing okay, it's just this one. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Nothing I write has met with greater disdain. It's not a bad time, at all, it's just the act of picking up the pieces and shouldering onward through the fog, as the old bumper sticker says. Of course, that's an Austin-only bumper sticker, but you get the idea. The rest of you will have a wonderful week.

Taurus : There's some bad news lurking on Monday and Tuesday. And some persistent health problems just don't seem to be going away fast enough. Now, if you are willing to brave the cold weather (it is winter, here in the Northern Hemisphere), there is some rather good things coming out of this mess. And if your friends start to complain about how the week starts out, or the fact that you are not available to them, tell them your astrologer suggested that they check back on the weekend because this weekend looks really good.

Gemini : Good news is on the Gemini horizon. 1] Mercury is moving in a much more positive manner, behaving itself, so to speak, and 2] the Sun is is in final stages of being in Sagittarius, which is, indeed, opposite you. What's this mean in English? Lighten up. Life is just fixing to get really good again. It was just your half birthday, and that means it was time for you figure out where you are going for the next six months. In other words, use this week to get a jump on the new year. And don't forget your Sagittarius brethren.

Cancer : Mars and Venus are conspiring to make you a little miserable this week. It's not like the last Mercury Retrograde period didn't affect you, it's just that this Mars and Venus thing is going to set you a little on edge. Now, seeing as how you guys are lovingly referred to as "Moon Children," maybe I should make some comment about the phase of the moon this week. It's going to liven up your weekend. Maybe not in the way you think it should, but I'll promise that the outcome from the weekend is going to be rather wonderful.

Leo : The mighty Lion has some mighty strange influences this week. Not bad influences, just different influences. In fact, according to some books, you guys are going to be feeling like Virgo's this week, which is certainly a different kind of feeling, now isn't it? So, in order to make the most of this influence, I suggest that you clean out you closet. There, in the back, lurking among the dust devils, you will find a an old Xmas present that you forgot to send to your fishing buddy. What's going to happen? Mail it, as soon as possible. After all, you think of the laughs you will all enjoy when talking about holding onto a present for a year or two.

Virgo : There's a nasty little battle between the two love planets right now, that would be Venus and Mars. However, this unsettling and unstable dance misses you. So much for the good news. Unless you are dealing with a work place full of Virgo-types, like my accountant does, you guys are stuck with us. And while your week is close to being wonderful, everybody else's week is close to being bad. I can imagine you guys writing in and asking if Mercury is still retrograde. It's not, but you are still stuck with dealing with us. Just smile and tell them all, "My Fishing Guide to the Stars Astrologer says to leave me alone if you're not happy...." It is the holidays, and you've got the Spirit.

Libra : Fateful Mars is firmly in your sign. That's the good news. During this week, however, Mr. Mars and Miss Venus make difficult energy. "Good news?" I hear you ask. Yes. The unsettling love duet which more closely resembles a yelling match is over with before the week is up. Now, remember that Mars can trigger you temper, so you might want to watch that. The last time this happened to me, I was yelling at the radio in a rent car. My noise didn't correct the DJ, but I know I felt better. You might give that a try -- just to vent some of you frustrations. [I was correcting a DJ who was born after the band's first record had been released, and the DJ kept calling it the band's "first CD" -- NO! Album, released on vinyl, 12 inches in diameter, don't these kids know anything?]

Scorpio : Well, ahem, my fine Scorpio friend, ahem indeed. You've just got to be a little careful with some of your intentions this week. Just about every Scorpio I know claims to a be the "Phoenix" archetype, risen from the ashes. But as long as Mars is kicking around in Libra, you guys are going to be a little less like that particular archetype and a little more inclined to be the much-maligned Scorpion archetype. I'm not going to worry about it, and you shouldn't either. Make an effort to get in the holiday spirit of things, and I promise there will be some good rewards by the end of the week. Xmas might come a little early for you.

Sagittarius : It's the tail end of Sagittarius this week. So much for the bad news. It's still a good time to party and play; however, you will notice, that there are few people out there with less than wonderful outlooks on life this fine, holiday season. Now, the true secret to success this week is to keep on keeping on. Don't let other people, aught up in the holiday madness, get you down. Things are pretty darn good in Sag land. You just have to realize that it isn't like this for everyone. Don't let them get you down.

Capricorn : It's going to feel like the coldest days of the year. It's going to feel like there will always be winter. It's going to feel like there just isn't a chance for any hope in the near future. And, despite this gloomy outlook, there is a lots of hope. It's almost your birthday time, coming up. Didn't some singer have song about "Jesus was a Capricorn"? And rather than embarking on philosophical discussions of theological merit, let's just realize that this is the darkest part of your year, this next week. Doesn't mean it's going to be bad, just be careful.

Aquarius : There always seems to be a lot of products called "new" and "unusual" and, of course, that much used expression, "exciting!" And that's exactly what this week is going to be. Take a lesson from the marketing people, and get ready for new, unusual, and exciting changes going on in just about every avenue of your life. In fact, the song that keeps buzzing through my head, in respect to Aquarius this week, is none other than Elvis, singing, "Here comes Santa Claus cruising down Santa Claus Lane...."

Pisces : Ever hit a speed bump, just a little too fast? Ever hear that noise like the undercarriage of the car getting ripped apart by the speed bump? Do visions of expensive repairs dance in your head at this time? The early part of the week is just like that. Now, if you just slow down for the speed bump, it ain't so bad. Besides, you've been meaning to get that muffler replaced, haven't you? The coat hanger just doesn't seem to work any more. But the rest of the week looks better.

Week of: 12/7-13

Aries : I just love it when the Moon starts the week in a Fire Sign, like it is right now, over there in Leo. Gives as nice, combustible edge to everything. And since you are a fire sign, too, this is a lucky little break. Sort of. Mars is going to be opposite you for the duration of the holiday season, and that's not exactly a flattering position for it; however, there is a break coming. The pesky Mercury thing is about to go away, and that means relief, like a cool swig of Egg Nog, laced with some nice Nutmeg. There's some extra spice in your week.

Taurus : It's never too early to start having an Xmas bash. In fact, even if you aren't getting into the spirit of the holiday season, you will find that there is an infectious tune which keeps playing through your head this week. I just need to caution you about Santa Claus because he's watching you this week, and I don't want to introduce any paranoid fantasies causing you to spend time looking over your shoulder. Just be nice. Of course, every Taurus I've ever known has always been nice. Bear in mind this is not a true, representative statistical average, just my experience.

Gemini : Your holiday season has gotten of to a less than wonderful start, or so it would seem. Now, the good news is that the same planet which has caused this untimely beginning is going to lend you some extra strength, dare I suggest, even a planetary reprieve, coming up? This is the last of the "bad stuff" that's going to happen. In fact, by the end of the week, the holiday season will finally arrive in your sign, and you will be a much happier person. Or persons, you know how Gemini's are.

Cancer : "Hey little sister, what have you done?" Nothing like a quick allusion to some rock and roll from Billy Idol to start of what should be a White Xmas season for you. Or is that a "White Wedding"? Remember that lovely sneer Billy Idol had for most of the last decade? You've felt like you've had that same sneer frozen on your face for a while now. The good news is that, just like the song says, "it's a nice day to start again...."

Leo : I don't care what other astrologers tell you. I don't care that gloom and doom and has been written all over the Leo sign for the last few weeks. I've been in the astrology business long enough to know that media hype helps stem the tide of unwanted (and unwarranted) prognostications of dire consequences. By the end of this week, you will certainly heed my advice, and get yourself into the party mood because it's going to be a fun Xmas season for you.

Virgo : I can still hear the words of Richard III, echoing in my ears, as he charged off to battle, invoking Mars. Didn't work for him. Remember? He's the guy who did the "kingdom for horse" bit. What's a failed, semi-mythical English monarch got to do with your week? Be careful about enlisting the assistance of Mars this week. He's in a good position for you, but thee are other things that are lining up against you. Rather than try to beat the odds, take a break this week. Time to consider house-cleaning. The old trailer needs a bit of a holiday spruce up, if you know what I mean.

Libra : Let's do the "Libra thing" and look on the bright side right now. Mars imparts energy, sort of like a cattle prod imparts high voltage to stubborn cows. And you're going to feeling like Mars is herding you along this week. So much for the good news. When that 50,000 volt Mars Charge hits you, make use of the "get up and go" juice. Do the get up and go thing. Get up and be gone. Mercury doesn't do much this week, not in relation to anything else in the sky, a little backward motion, a little stationary motion, and precious little forward motion. So, the usual reminders about that planet's behavior is still in order.

Scorpio : I warned you guys, at least once before, about the problems associated with having Mars, that trusted Scorpio planet, in the 12th House. It ain't a pretty sight. Now, because I have a Scorpio Mom, I'm going to benefit plenty from this: all the Scorpio's are making early, last minute decisions about Xmas gifts. I can only hope that I'm high on the list. Of course, as usual, I'll wind up with 14 Elvis dolls that all look alike. And all I wanted was a Hooter's Calendar. Be careful with the impulse to buy strange astrologers gifts this week. As much as you think you acting of your own, free will, it might all turn out to be a Mars encouraged thing.

Sagittarius : There is one, small, minor, not very big, itty-bitty welcome relief this week. But other than that, it's pretty much the same as it has been for the last few weeks. This is nothing new, and it's certainly not anything you're going to have to worry about. At least, you're not going to worry any more than you have been. Mercury slows down its backwards pace and begins to get it right before the end of the week. Regrettably, though, my fine Sagittarius friend, you're not out of the woods yet. You've got miles of to go, and and there's a lot of digital ink which still needs to be corrected from the Mercury problems of the last few weeks. Put the parties, except for the odd b-day, all on hold this week.

Capricorn : About the time Mercury begins to shove off in a good direction, Venus comes crawling into your sign. This is a little harbinger for what rest of the month is going to be like, getting better, a little bit at a time, and you'll notice it before the end of the week. Of course, being the kind and sensitive soul that you guys are, you'll notice this gentle uplift in spirits early on. In fact, I predict that you will feel a nice little uplift in your own spirits later this week. Check to make sure that it isn't from something that somebody slipped into your holiday Egg Nog.

Aquarius : I know that most Aquarian don't believe in the "Mercury Retrograde Myth" because they stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the existence of planet which can wreak so much havoc. This is not a problem. In fact, while Mercury is busy seeking self-help in the other signs, Mars is doing a VERY interesting thing to Aquarius this week. What you do with this sudden jolt of good energy is up to you, but I would get out and participate in the holiday madness, and enjoy the fun of doing so.

Pisces : Because it's the long, dark, cold winter, most of the fish are at the bottom of the lake, hanging out and waiting for spring time. In fact, most of the bass are patiently sleeping the cold days away. Now, due to certain perturbations in the orbit of some planets, there is an unusual event occurring this week for Pisces. Against common fishing lore, you should try topwater lures this week. In other words, flying in the face of conventional yield some pretty spectacular results.

Week of: 11/30-12/6

Aries : Monday morning is going to feel a like a replay. Imagine a tragic football game where the home team, favored by a large margin, just screws up every play. Feel like a rerun from the last few years? Imagine that you are that championship team (who would he be talking about?), and imagine that you fumble on every scoring drive. I'll promise that there is some good news. Next week, on Monday night football, you get to regain your lost glory. But this week? Try not to lose track of what is important. You are headed to the playoffs, you just don't feel like it, not after this Monday.

Taurus : There are some weeks when it's just better to stay home. Seeing as how all you communications which seem to be important, the note to the bank loan officer, the credit card company, the loan shark, and so forth... all seems to be lost in space right now, I guess this really is a good time to stay home. Looks like the mail man is going to be bringing you angry notes. Now, there is some good news, those little missle-type missives? They are intended for some one else. It was just an addressing error. So, whatever you do, don't panic.

Gemini : Ah yes, we've got a full moon in the lovely sign of the twins this week. However, this isn't the best time to be Gemini. Well, maybe it is. Depends on how bifructated you are. And with the little Mercury thing going on, next to your full moon, you are going to feel terribly split this week. Part of you wants to party like Leo, party with a wild abandon, part like some Prince song, and the other part of you wants to cower at home, under the bed. Safest place for you to be, or so it seems. So, seeing as how there really are two of you, it looks like you are going to have to be in two places at once. It's okay, you're the mighty Gemini, you can do it.

Cancer : I'm adopting an attitude of a drill sergeant this week -- Okay you Moon Children, listen up and listen up good: the first part of the week is career stuff. Pay attention. Over some minor difficulties. Give me fifty push ups and I mean now. Then, get ready, soldier, as the weekend gets closer because all of this drill and marching around stuff is going to give way to a big party. The harder you work this week, the more you get play this weekend. Got that, soldier?

Leo : Curious time for a Leo, this week. In fact, your curiosity can get you in trouble this week. It's like you know where the best place to fish is, that special spot just below the dam, the place where the truly large (trophy size) fish hang out. And you've even got the right bait. Of course, no one will believe that you've landed that one huge fish this week, and trying to take along a witness is just going to make it all seem like another fish story. Now, the deal is this: careful with the "stretchers" this week because most folks aren't going to believe you, even though you are telling the truth.

Virgo : There are sometimes, when, no matter what I say, the typical Virgo isn't happy with me. Of course, if you're reading this, you certainly aren't a typical Virgo. But that doesn't stop the moon from hanging out in your 12th house, nor does it stop pesky Mercury from making a less than wonderful condition for your appearance this week. In fact, review some of the Mercury Retrograde notes so you have a better idea about what is going on. It's not all bad, but don't try getting anyone to understand what you're saying. Tell them, "Kramer said to take the week off for Personal Time." Thank me after this week is over.

Libra : Mars is a lovely little planet. And it brings a high degree of activity with it when it visits a sign. So you've got that going on this week. The problem is that the pernicious little Mercury makes a slight angle to Mars. In plain English, there's a some good stuff brewing on the stove top, but you've got to let this stuff simmer for while. It's like my special chili, you've got let the ingredients get to know each other, develop more than a passing acquaintance before you you serve up this fine dish. And like my chili, what ever it is that you've got cooking is going to be plenty hot.

Scorpio : I've got nothing but good news for Scorpio. Well, mostly good news. At least, there's some good news. Other than some minor yet ever-present pesky problem in getting people to understand that you are right, things look real good for you. And, despite the warnings about starting a romance under a Retrograde Mercury, I'm going to fly in the face of convention, and I'll suggest that there is a new romance on your horizon. Maybe it's an old romance that gets started back up, but it looks good, either way. Maybe not that good, but you've always got that Scorpio Skepticism, and that's a good idea this week, times being what they are.

Sagittarius : Retrograde Mercury slaps Pluto, in the sky, during the early part of this week. It ain't bad, just different. And you've also got Venus floating through the last part of the the Archer Heaven right now. Which means this week is anything but heaven. The word for the week is dream land, and you might want to get after checking the travel schedule, or, as the case may be, double checking your travel arrangements because it looks like there might be some trouble with plans this week. Perhaps this isn't the best time to be "on the road" even though you like it so much.

Capricorn : There has been some mighty nice relief lately in the sign of the Sea Goat. And, the mighty Capricorn is in a position, as of now, to make dreams actually happen. Things are good. Nay, things are great. Well, okay, so Mercury is backwards, but you're not going to let a little thing like that get in your way, are you? There's this ever-persistant idea that you could actually win a Texas State lottery this week, but you have to be in the right country to buy the ticket. Now, if you can just figure out where you're supposed to be....

Aquarius : There was a Gemini who once complained about my Aquarius forecast. The reader complained about how nice I was to the "cold and unemotional" Aquarius sign. I take all my mail serious, but let's not worry about that right now. Things are looking up and up in the sign of the water-bearer this week. Even the pesky Mercury thing isn't getting you down this week. However, there will be some form of verbal communication which is going to be misunderstood. My suggestion is to write out everything before you say it. While this might not be practical, trust me, it can prevent dreaded "hoof in mouth" disease.

Pisces : As I was looking at Chicken Parts for this week's Pisces forecast, I got a little sidetracked because the tasty fried chicken livers go so well with jalapenos. There's just something about this combination of chicken parts and peppers that seems to satisfy my appetite these days. And food is an INTERESTING topic this week, as is diet. Looks like you've fallen off your diet a little bit. Not that it matters, though because it is still a good week up ahead. Looks like there is a recurrent love interest later in the week, and this prurient interest gets stronger as the weekend approaches.

Week of: 11/23-29

Aries : It's not a bad week, really, just because Mercury is doing a little retrograde number doesn't make everything miserable. In fact, it's one of those times when the lakes are beginning to ice up in the Frozen North (that would be the land past the Red River), and the ice fisher people are starting to look over their important equipment, and considering where to erect huts on the vast expanses of ice. I can't imagine fishing for frozen fish, I'd just go to the grocery store, but you get the idea. And this week, you're going to feel like you're fishing for frozen fish, too.

Taurus : Black Friday is approaching, and I can't tell you that this might not be a good time to engage in the shopping spree that everyone else is going to be entering into come Friday. It just isn't in your own best interest to get out there with the teeming masses and make big retail decisions. WE all know that you've got exquisite good taste. It's just one of those weeks when you should plead that "ate too much turkey" on Thanksgiving, and not worry about it all. You'll get you chance, coming up in a week or so, but this week, lay low after the traditional American "Big Feed".

Gemini : There's a creeping, sneaking, suspicious side to you that is going to get stronger and stronger as the week goes by. You will find that you are looking over your shoulder, expecting the worst, as the week goes by. There, lurking behind every fence post, in the shadows of your mind, or the shadows in the real world, you keep thinking that you are seeing people with cameras, and that lapel button a friend a is wearing, is it really a microphone? Or is that beeper really a TV camera and you're going to be on some news magazine tabloid talk show? This week, just because you feel like an extra for a conspiracy movie, doesn't mean that some one isn't out to get you.

Cancer : New and unusual is the operative idea this week. Unique comes to mind. It reminds me a Thanksgiving repast once enjoyed by my family -- I eschewed conventional tradition and ordered the delightful Tuna Surprise while everyone else had Turkey. As it turned out, the turkey was bad, but the Tuna thing was excellent. Tuna makes good sushi. Turkey doesn't. And, if your meal becomes a real drag, that sushi makes for some good bait. So think about trying the unusual for a change. Break the mold.

Leo : You have some pretty bizarre influences hitting you this week. That's the bad news. The good news is that these influences are all beneficial. At least, they are supposed to be. There's a strong suggestion in your chart this week that there is going to be a romantic event occurring, and when I say "event" I mean it in a good way, if you know what I mean. The holiday celebrations are going to be right up your alley, so to speak.

Virgo : There is some good news floating along right now, and that good news has to do with Mars. He's leaving your sign this week, and that means, in some circles, he's moving into the Virgo Second House. Things are going to heat up and cool off, and then heat up again, just like leftover turkey. So it looks like you've got a good week getting cooked up, now, it's just matter of taking advantage of it. There are some other cooking allegories which could be employed right now, but they all seem to come out about half-baked when compared to how your week is going to go. Yes, it's going to be a good time.

Libra : "And there was much rejoicing" (and partying and general carrying on). What's the good news for Libra? Why is the Libra Trailer Park lit up like it was Christmas Season? Of course! It is the Xmas season! But wait, there's a lot more in store for you lucky Libra types! Mars, that old warrior feller is coming into your sign, and at the same time, he's doing a nice little thing with the Sun who is going into Sagittarius. What's this mean? It means it is party time for you guys. No two ways about it, time to rejoice, shoot out the lights, that sort of thing.

Scorpio : While there is a major party going on elsewhere, please, my fine Scorpio reader, don't despair. There is brief moment when you are the center of some attention this week, and then you need to tend to the home-maker stuff. The good news is that an incipient romance, or romancing an idea, is going to get a good little boost this week. And the big day itself? Thursday looks good, but you'd better plan on spending some time with both your family and your new significant other.

Sagittarius : I know how good you are feeling this week. Believe me, I know. Regrettably, Mercury is back stroking in our sign right now, and that's going to create a little havoc. Travel plans for the holiday are likely to get screwed up. Doesn't mean that there won't be much rejoicing as old friends get back together, it just means that you need to allow a little extra time for the lines at the airport. I can see that parking is going to be a problem for you. My suggestion? Take a cab. Of course, I'd hope that you would give yourself enough time to allow for the snarled traffic, too.

Capricorn : Some astrologers talk about how worrisome Capricorn's are. Or that the sign of the Sea Goat has tendency to be preoccupied with monetary matters. I doubt that. But before Mr. Mars moves into a position that will feel like some one is fixing the roof of the trailer, get ready for a week of much frivolity. Isn't that a good word, "frivolity"? Play some. Exercise the fun muscle in your soul. Tell some jokes. Laugh (Cappy's make the very best comedy folks). Whatever you do, don't take anything too serious this week. And that would include other astrologers.

Aquarius : Interesting little pattern in your sky right now, and this interesting little pattern has to do with RELATIONSHIPS. When the word is all CAPS, you know what it means? Romance. Love. Lyric poetry which evokes fond thoughts, and sometimes, tender actions. I would recommend some of the tender actions this week. It will improve a situation that you're in, and you will certainly feel better. In fact, you will enjoy a certain amount of attention this week, just pay attention to the usual Mercury Retrograde warnings.

Pisces : Usually, I just check some coffee grounds for a reading on Pisces. Tea leaves seem to be more accurate than pedestrian astrology for wonderful Pisces. However, this week, and with what's happening in the sky, it's a good time to actually consult some astrology. Scientific stuff. You've got two objects in your sign right now which mean things are going to be good. One is Jupiter and the other is a little asteroid which will bring a heightened degree of thinking. So think about what you are going to do to make money, and use Jupiter's good fortune. One Roman Poet (Martial) reminds us that we need to make sure we ask Jupiter for lots of stuff. Same applies to Pisces this week.

Week of: 11/16-22

Merc RX.

Aries : As the thin sliver of the moon gets narrower and narrower, as the stars in the cold night twinkle brighter and brighter, and as the nights get longer and longer, and the best thing to do is find someone nice to snuggle up against, you can be relieved that I'm not going to be writing any more poetry.... This is one of those weeks which I've warned you about, and that vain attempt of painting a pretty picture is about as good as it's going to get this week. Want the details? New Moon, almost opposite you. Time to consider the big launch of the new idea. Problems? Only from other people.

Taurus : Gratefully, the mean and nasty Scorpio planets eventually become benign and even benevolent Sagittarius planets in the later part of the week. What's this mean for the sign of the Bull? Things will begin looking up. It could happen as early as Tuesday. Of course, I'd give a few extra days to this prognostication, but about the time you start preparing for the T-Day feast, that weekend before, you'll find that life begins to slip back into place. All due, of course, to some nice Sagittarius astrology.

Gemini : Time to stop and think about the holidays,. one last moment before the big holiday extravaganza coming along. As the weekend approaches, though, one of your more impish sides begins to assert itself. Being a good Gemini, and you know that you are, I would urge you to indulge this little imp which looks like it wants to play some games. Now, as far as the games go, sure chess is a good answer, and it might be intellectually stimulating, but it looks your imp wants to run all over the board and play by Gemini rules. That might not be the best answer. Perhaps pinball is a better solution.

Cancer : It's one of two things this week, either it's an old relationship which comes back to you, or it's a new one which suddenly lands in your lap. Either way, the conflict that relationship material (or energy) inflicts on the gentle and sensitive Cancerian mind and body is going to take a small toll. Looks like it's going to try to take a pound of flesh, too. Fortify yourself, going into the big week, and get ready for another ride of the roller coaster of love. By the way, this is supposed to be good relationship energy, not the other kind.

Leo : "To burn always with that hard, crystal like fire...." I can't remember, but I think it was an English poet who wrote something along those lines. And it is with that crystal like clarity that you will burn this week. It gets better, too: your mind is working overtime, and there is a degree of clear thinking that you have which is unmatched by any other sign in the horoscope this week. The only hassle stems from the fact that no one but a Gemini can keep up with you. And while that's not normally a problem, it can present you with some challenges as the rest of the people out there just fail to see things your way. Persevere, and be prepared to win by the weekend.

Virgo : On Monday morning, Mars and Venus make a nice little pair for you, just as Venus is about to leave Scorpio, and just as Mars is about to leave your sign. This sets up a week a full of interesting and odd bits of romance, still being flung at you from the far corners of the universe. While that might not make a lot of sense, use your good Virgo judgment to make sure that you don't act to hasty when jumping up and down on some new relationship. This doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a whirl, but use a little caution because things which heat up quickly are prone to cooling off quickly, too.

Libra : The beginning of the week seems to move a little slow for you, time-wise, relatively speaking. However, this pace is going to rapidly accelerate as the weekend gets closer. And the idea of starting something new, right now, when everyone else is just wrapping up the loose ends before the holiday might appear to be a bit daunting. However daunting this task may appear to be, it still holds a promise of some extra revenue in time for the Holidays. Remember your astrology fishing guy when your ship arrives!

Scorpio : You know, you know I was trying to figure a way to say this, but I can't get my mouth or keyboard around the right idea. See, it's like this, a little indirection is good right now. This week is the last of the Scorpio time. I know it should be a longer time, but things should be settling down a little right now. That dull roar that's been inside you head for the last few weeks is about to subside. It goes from a dull roar to barely audible buzzing noise. It goes from the sound of hard rain on the tin roof of my tar paper shack to the gentle quiet of the fog, out on the lake. Be careful with that fog, however, because the condensation might clog your special, Scorpio view port.

Sagittarius : Talk about an exciting time! Okay, so we wont talk about an exciting time, not quite yet. But it's just fixin' to be a great time. Late on next Sunday night, Mr. Sun launches himself in Sagittarius. About that time, Miss Venus gets up close and personal with Pluto. This all means that there are good things afoot for Sagittarius, the mighty Archer. The challenge, though, is getting to the weekend when all of this good stuff happens. And Mercury is about to go backwards, so be aware of that. You can face this Mercury Retrograde with your usual, characteristic Sagittarius candor and good humor (hint: you're going to need it).

Capricorn : Pay close attention to minor details this week. In case you're wondering, Mercury goes retrograde in the sign before you, which puts the whole mess in your 12th House, the Pisces House. And your buddy, Saturn, is making a very pejorative angle to Neptune, the planet most often associated with Pisces. Better figure that some Pisces is going to make a big deal in your life in the next week. And while we're looking at it, you might want to consider that this Pisces is able to do one of two things: wreak havoc or hand you a lot of money. Of course, in some circles, handing you a lot of money would be wreaking havoc, but that's a different issue.

Aquarius : Things, as in monetary things, as supposed to be warming up despite the cool weather in the Northern Hemisphere. It's as if, despite what the weather guy says, a warm front has blown into your section of the sky. Things are going to be looking up. For a little exercise this week, I would suggest attending to matters that demand you attention around the house. Or trailer. Whatever. It looks like you've got a few domestic chores which need some attention before you get out and play. Look, next week is going to be really really fun, so attend to those things at home, you know, the ones you've been putting off for a while.

Pisces : I love Pisces, even though, these days, so few of them seem to love me back. And things in general are looking way up. That's the good news. There's one little business detail that you've been avoiding, and it needs attention right now. I can't tell you enough about tending to that one, seemingly insignificant, little business detail. Yes, Mercury is heading down the tubes, but hey, you're a good Pisces and that Mercury stuff won't affect you. At least, it won't affect you too much....

Week of: 11/9-15

Aries : I promised you a break, and here it is. This week, you get a week-long break from drudgery and routine. Now, this can show up in life in a bunch of different ways, and not all of them are pleasant. For your sake, and mine, too, I hope that the break manifest itself a in polite way. And if you aren't given a break this week, then consider taking one of those "personal" days that I hear about from corporate clients. Of course, here at FGS World HQ, everyday is a personal day.

Taurus : "Alas, poor Taurus, I knew 'em well...." Actually, it's really not such a bad week, but with the major load of planets stacked up in Scorpio, you are feeling great opposition from small-minded people this week. Best thing to do? Nothing flippant or too hasty. That could back fire. Perhaps if you were to take a moment to slow down and properly assess the situation, you would find that things aren't so tough. Best be a bit careful with that "relationship situation" that is developing, too. You might want to stop and look before you leap.

Gemini : Good Mr. Mercury, that mercurial planet most often associated with your sign, is making a hasty trip across the sky which opposite from your sign. Is this a good thing? It can be, but you need to hold your cards a little closer to yourself and try to develop a poker face. Before you get excited about a card game, let me explain that this a strange week to be playing poker at that big casino in the sky. Great wins are possible, but, as always, the odds are stacked in favor of the house. The good news is that you are better able to figure those odds right now.

Cancer : There's one minor problem this week, and it looks like it's work-related. Okay, so you don't have a job? Part of the gainfully unemployed sector? Just call yourself a "consultant," that's what I do. Now, for the rest of the hardworking Cancers, your good attitude can get you in trouble with some persnickety boss who has a devoted and possibly maniacal devotion to detail. This person will try to upset your week by pointing to apparent flaws in your carefully constructed plans. To abuse a few of the Bard's words, "imitate the actions of the Leo, and party on."

Leo : Poor Leo! As long as all that stuff is over in the Scorpio corner of the sky, it does you no good. Well, actually, it does do some good, but you are going to feel like everyone is asking just a bit too much of you this week. Of course, being the good Leo that you are, you can take on this extra burden. However, being the good astrology fishing guide that I am, I'd warn you about taking on too much of this load this week. In fact, my best directive to you is to learn to say "no." Folks are just going to be asking you to perform impossible feats this week, and you can practice answering in the negative.

Virgo : In case you were wondering, and I'm sure you weren't, but I'm going to tell you anyway, the original symbol for Mars was the Spear and Shield of that old warrior dude hisself. So much for our weekly lesson in mythology and symbols. Mars is still a main man for you this week, as he traipses through your sign. As the good Virgo that you are, perhaps you need to pay more close attention to some details because during this week, Mars is going to opposite Jupiter. In other words, look out for Sagittarius folks coming along, especially ones with gifts in their hands. Of course, that's a reference to another bit of mythology....

Libra : You've got one thing to look out for this week: rash. Now, most folks would figure that I mean rash actions, as prompted by Mars in Virgo, your solar 12th House. But there is another meaning for this, too, it could be a heat rash. I realize it's kind of hard to imagine a heat rash in the cool fall weather, but there's a definite chance that something rash could break out. Maybe it's just the wool clothing you've gotten out to match the weather.

Scorpio : It's a lovely week in Scorpio Land. In fact, this is a great week. Of course, being the good Scorpio that you are, you are bit worried about "stealth birthday parties" and looking at your chart for this week, this paranoia is well-deserved. There is a hot little romantic number lurking in your corner of the sky, so you had better look out. Use your innate Scorpio sense and make an effort to find out about your Stealth Birthday information, too. Then the biggest challenge will be to act surprised when the Universe delivers you a wonderful birthday gift.

Sagittarius : There's one of those lovely management axioms about life, one that typifies this week, which I'm going to use for you: "Inside every little problem is major problem struggling to get out." Some famous author once quoted that in a writing workshop. I've got it in my notes some place, if I could only find them. Of course, that's the same little problem you're having this week, the material is there. but you just can't seem to find it. Don't let the little problems become big problems this week.

Capricorn : Okay, my fine Capricorn friend, relax. No, don't get too relaxed, but do take a little time off. Not too much time, because in the yonder distance you can hear the beck and call of one minor emergency after another. Of course, the key word here is "minor." There's a famous ballad sung Charlie Daniels about a miner who saves the day, "Big Bad John." You don't have to be like this character in the song, saving every one else but getting sacrificed yourself. As the expression goes, "Don't go there."

Aquarius : After weeks and weeks, nay, even years, of prolonged activity, it's time to chill. Take a load off. Take your boots off. Put your feet up. Of course, this is a hard objective to accomplish in an office setting, but you get the idea. Or the picture. Perhaps a little judicious surfing, perhaps a little idle time spent wasting away with a People Magazine would be good right now. Enough of this high - blown lifestyle of yours. Relax this week and let some one else worry about the details. In fact, you might want to stay home for an extra "personal day" this week.

Pisces : What a wonderful, lovely time you're having. Or you're supposed to be having. What ever. There's one little problem and it has to do with particular individual, you know the one. I mean, other than that one person, your whole life resembles a well-ordered tacklebox: all the right lures are in all the right places. Or they are supposed to be, this week. If that one person is still bothering you, take a break from the usual daily chores and tend to your own tacklebox. You ability to restore order will amaze that one person.

Week of: 11/2-8

Aries : For some reason, the sign of the Ram is associated with being headstrong. I hardly find that to be the case; although, you do have a certain resolute tendency to get the job done. The problem with this week is that Mr. Saturn (remember him?) and Neptune are doing a bit of a planetary dance. And it's not the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies, either. Nope, this looks a lot more like a late 1970s punk show, perhaps that famous Sid Vicious at the Longhorn Ballroom in Dallas. You get the idea. Be a little extra careful this week with your own dance partners; you don't want to slam them into the wall; they might wind up mad.

Taurus : There's a funny little bit from Chaucer's Nun's Priest's Tale in the Canterbury Tales. And this little line has to do with Fortune and how she turns suddenly. What's missing from the text is that the Medieval concept of the Wheel of Fortune can turn suddenly up as well as down. You're on that spinning wheel right now, and as much as it feels like a ride at the State Fair of Texas, it's really not. Your life will come to a halt before to long, and you will be allowed to gather up the remains of your gastrointestinal tract, regain your equilibrium, and move on to the next ride. Yes, your personal wheel of fortune, like that old idea, is going to turn suddenly up this week.

Gemini : One astrologer proclaimed this a bad time for Gemini. I hardly think that's the case. It's a good time, you just have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. Now, I would never suggest that a Gemini would avoid responsibility, but you are on the way to ducking out of something this week, and that is not the recommended action right now. So pony yourself up to the bargaining table and accept the consequences of some of your actions. Of course, and I wouldn't tell just anyone this, you might find a little reward is in order for you doing what you did. And if this reward is monetary, how about cutting your astrologer fishing buddy in on a little piece of the action?

Cancer : Instead of making an allusion to some arcane bit of Elizabethan Literature, I was humming a song from a movie that will not die, and the way you're feeling right now, you could be any one of a number of characters in this movie. Here's the first hint: "Madness takes its toil...." In fact, the campy movie might actually fit your tastes right now, and it did seem to to have as bit of a revival not long ago. I'm sure it's showing at a theater near you this coming weekend. The problem with this week is you can't figure out if you're one of the audience members, or one of the characters on the screen. Either way, by Saturday, you're going to want to be at the Movie Theater to see the midnight show. Here's a bonus trivia question, what's the name of the town? And where is that town in real life?

Leo : Strange things are afoot in Leo Land this week. You have an ethereal, unnatural glow burning within you. It's you chance to start something big, that the upside here, but the downside is that you faced with opposition from a group of knuckle heads. Lest you think that it was an allusion to a particular brand of motorcycle engine, let me assure you, the knuckle heads in this case are various associates and cohorts at work who are determined to make you brilliant idea fail. Or so it would seem. Now, you and I know that you have this great thing going, and if you're willing to persevere, you'll do okay.

Virgo : Before going into battle, many of the great military leaders of antiquity would invoke the help of Mars, oftentimes referred to as the god of War. And, I suppose, in some of the old mythology stuff, he really is a the god of war. But there's always another side to this thing, and in this case, it's healing side. After all, you are Virgo, and not too many great military leaders were Virgo's, but I do know a lot of great healers who are Virgo. Get the hint? With Mars in your sign, you can do something nice for someone. And that person you might do something nice for this week, well, it might just be yourself.

Libra : There's a fine line between madness and brilliance, and I like what the great poet said, "Great wits are sure to madness alli'd,/And thin partions do their bounds divide;" (John Dryden Absalom and Achitophe, lines 163-4). Why should I worry you about madness? Because some of your associates are going to take one look at some of your ideas this week, and just naturally assume that you have gone over the proverbial edge. Have you flipped? Not a chance. Like I suggested, and as Johnny boy reiterated, there's that fine division between the two, and I'm pretty sure your friends will understand what you're doing, in a week or three. In the meantime, develop a maniac's laugh to answer questions.

Scorpio : I don't care what other astrologers say, it's another fine week in a place called "Scorpio Paradise." In the unlikely event that you haven't figured out what this paradise is, allow me to explain: there are a number of planets, big and small, in the Scorpio sky. At sunset, you can even see Venus, and you've got to know that she brings a lot of romance into your life right now. And by the way, happy birthday to that one special Scorpio, you know who you are. Like I said, romance is a big thing right, so you better enjoy it.

Sagittarius : The problem being that you've got a birthday around the corner. Now, any Sagittarius worth his or her weight in horse parts knows that it's time to get ready. The challenge to this idea of getting ready is that there is a lot of activity in other signs which bode nothing good for you for this week. I'm not saying it's a bad week, just a week that you need to check your activity more than once before you engage yourself in a questionable event. Make sure that you've got all the ammunition that you're going to need before loading up the truck and going hunting. Nothing is worse than spending all day in Deer Blind, getting ready to shoot Bambi's Daddy when your deer rifle goes "click." In other words, don't forget the bullets.

Capricorn : This is a good week to play some. Of course, there is one or two serious minded Capricorn's out there who resolutely insist that playing isn't a natural thing. They are too busy worry about work, and how things look. But even if you are serious minded individual, this is good time to break from the usual routine and get in a little bit of pre-Chrsitmas shopping. Try to beat the crowds. It's a wonderful time for you to exit from the normal routine and get on with some pleasure oriented activities. Sounds like plan, now doesn't it?

Aquarius : Ain't nothing in the world better than a finely tuned Aquarius, running along on Aquarius time. The only problem with your timing, though, this week, is that your time seems to jump around a little bit. You can't seem to decide whether you're on "Fast Forward" or stuck in "Rewind". One great American novelist called this effect "unstuck in time" and if you're familiar with his works, you'll probably agree that it's exactly how you feel. No matter, it's still going to be a good week, even if the rest of the signs out there can't figure out your timing.

Pisces : What an interesting week you've got going! I was perusing the Astrology Fish Chart for this week, and I kept noticing annoying highlights for Pisces. Little things are going to irritate you this week. The other side of this collection of minor irritants is that big things are going to begin to run smoothly. It's like an old truck, the motor is making noise, but that can be solved by adding oil. And who needs AC in the winter time? So some of these minor irritations can just be put off for a while. As long as you remember to make sure there is an adequate supply of oil in the motor, there shouldn't e any big problems this week.

Week of: 9/28 - 10/4

"He uses his folly like a stalking-horse, and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit."
Duke Senior in Shakespeare's As You Like It [Act 5, sc.4, 110]

Aries : "Alas, poor Aries, I knew him well...." I realize that this is a sort of bad take on a line from Hamlet, but it might help set the mood for the week. It "feels" like a dark and foreboding week, one fraught with dangerous and moody overtones. It feels like something bad is about to happen. Nothing could be further from the truth! I promise. Unless, of course, you have a bit of bad luck with officers who take your driving a little too serious. In other words, make sure your hunting license is up to date. And be careful when you throw your truck in reverse.

Taurus : I was reminded of what some folks liked to regard Mr. Saturn as, not long ago, calling him an "old devil." Somehow, the terms Saturn and Satan seemed to get confused. But it's not like this at all, see: Saturn will bring you Taurus types some rewards, you just have to be willing to work for them, and guess what? This week sort of helps with this idea, sort of like getting a sneak preview of what this whole work thing is going to be like. It's going to feel a like Monday, all week long. And the weekend might wind up feeling a like a weak end instead, but you will survive, nay, dare I suggest it? Even triumph.

Gemini : While every other sign is dealing with an earthy imagine, I was going to hail Gemini with a stout, "Ahoy Me Mates" and act like a brave privateer on the Gulf Coast. The good news is that there is some buried treasure about to wash up on your personal beach of life. So much for the good news. The bad news is that this treasure has been buried and it's going to take a gale force storm in order to shift the sands away from your prize. Weather the storm and look for the hidden treasure.

Cancer : Forget all the usual stuff I say about how things aren't too good for the ever-suffering children of the moon. Forget all the things that other folks say about you guys being moody and emotional. Forget all that this week. Here at FGS World HQ, we are, easy now, predicting a good week on your horizon. To be sure, the first part of the week has a few minor irritations, but these are minor, and I don't think getting a little sand in between your toes is really going to slow you down too much. Get ready for a fun weekend coming along.

Leo : There's nothing like a good party to warm the heart of the mighty Lion. And if there isn't a decent party in your neck of the woods this weekend, then make one. A lot of people seem to be mighty unhappy right now, but you don't have to let their misfortune get you down. As always, there's a good time on your horizon, and I don't think that you are going to let the other 11 signs ruin your good time. Mars is still making his merry way through the last little bit of your sign, so you know the rules.....

Virgo : My sweet and ever-put-upon Virgo friend. So much maligned, abused, and put out by this whole mess! I promise that things are starting to go your way, in a big way. Well, maybe I won't promise because it seems like Virgo's all remember everything I ever said, but I do suspect that your week is looking up. It all looks like it has something to do with money, as in there is more of this money. Now, I can't say for sure, but it looks like you have enough money to go out and pamper yourself a bit. Somebody's got to look out for you, and you are the best one.

Libra : The little Libra corner of the sky is really a happening place right now. Lots of stuff is going on there. Venus and Mercury are all around to help you celebrate this Libra time, and there's even an odd little hint from one of those dirt balls in the sky, a lucky little asteroid that rings you continued good wishes for the following year. What's all this mean? Any way you decide to cut it up, it's going to be a good week. Just be careful with the excesses right now.

Scorpio : There's not much in the old Scorpio Sky that is bad this week. In fact, there are some things which could be construed to be good. Of course, I wouldn't want to give you an idea that everything is going to work out great, but there's a good chance, even a great chance, that some unsettled problem will find a happy resolution. Of course, I'm not sure I should be giving you too much hope right now. I still find that the approach of the full moon is making things better and better for you. Good luck with live bait this weekend.

Sagittarius : Wasn't it Claudio, in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" who suggested that we "bait the hook well: this fish will bite"? And that's such an apt metaphor for this week. Just get your proverbial ducks in a row, get the right bait on the right hook, and watch what happens. Between you and me, the planets might not be lining up well for everyone, but they do seem to have a good opportunity for you, the lucky archer type. Of course, be wary of any Scorpio with a nice gift for you this week.

Capricorn : Mystical revelations can come in the weirdest of places. I know of a special grease spot that looks just like Elvis. Rather than turn this into a tabloid bit of trash, though, I keep my kingly grease spot's location a secret. You're going to encounter something much like this in the coming week. Maybe it's a tortilla with an imprint of some holy visage on it. Maybe it's a special message when you open the refrigerator. Maybe there will be a picture of Gomer Pyle on the ice box. Whatever form it takes, pay close attention to the message because, yes, it's really there, and it's just for you.

Aquarius : There's nothing like a decent little challenge in order to keep you on your Aquarian toes these days. And it looks like you are going to get just such a challenge. I'm not worried about you being able to face this minor difficulty with characteristic aplomb. You'll do just fine. Remember to exercise caution when you are exercising, though, because there's no need to exacerbate a bad situation. Teamwork is the key word for the week. Or, if you are on AOL, the keyword is Astronet, but that might be circular reference.

Pisces : Good things can come in small packages. And this is a week for good things in small packages. In fact, the package is so small, to me, it looks like one of those check sized envelopes. You know what I mean, the type of envelope which is big enough to go via postcard type mail, but because it's an envelope, the postal service gets to charge full price? Yes, it looks like one of those. In fact, be careful when opening the mail this week, you don't want to toss out what might be the big piece of information you've been waiting on.

Week of: 9/21-27

O! vengeance, vengeance;
Me of my lawful pleasure she restrain'd
And pray'd me oft forbearance; did it with
A pudency so rosy the sweet view on't
Might well have warm'd old Saturn; that I thought her
As chaste as unsunn'd snow. O! all the devils!
Posthumus in Shakespeare's Cymberline [II.v.8-13]

Aries : It's another day in paradise, another week, and the Land of the Aries is feels a little like the land of the lost souls. You feel like someone has come along and cut you loose from you anchor. In other words, you're kind of drifting on the lake of life, stuck out there in a bass boat with no particular direction? Suggestions? Grab the oars, crack your knuckles, and spit on your palms a long haul to the shore line. Worse yet, you're going to feel like there are fish out here mocking you right now. In this case, I mean a Pisces or two. However, once you lay a course in, you'll find a gentle breeze picks up and helps push you along.

Taurus : I slapped a tape in the the old CD player, something to wake up the morning a bit, and I think you will approve of my selection: Wagner's greatest hits. It starts with that "Ride of the Valkyries" piece, and you know what, my fine Taurus friend, that's just what you need to hear this week. Something that speaks about destiny, purpose, vision, and so forth. Saddle yourself up, and get ready for a quick ride with the Valkyries. Saturn is here for a spell, so we had all better get used to the destiny idea. It's your turn, now. Posthumus had a nice way of looking at it, you know, and I'll bet you can warm up an old devil, your sweet Taurus self.

Gemini : Is there an echo in here? Did you hear that? Your chart for this week speaks about echoes and duality. Reminds me of a trip to Echo Canyon. Actually, let's face it, unless you've got a really good set of lungs, those natural echo spots don't seem to work that well. But you get this persistent recurring notice that things are temporarily good in Gemini Land. For some strange reason, by some twist Mutable of Fate, you've got all the energy, and clarity to follow through, this week. I look at it this way: Mars is in your Solar Third House, which is the Gemini House. And that's why I like the echo idea as opposed the duality so often associated with the Twins. There's three this week, not just two.

Cancer : Nothing bad is going to happen to Cancer this week. At least, not much bad is going to happen to Cancer this week. With your propensity for worry, though, you'll worry about the "not much" part. Relax. Lighten up. Pause for a moment. In fact, on the video game of life, hit the pause button and walk away for a second. I want you to think about direction, goals, and dreams. Do you really want to be a high-paid executive? Wouldn't you rather have your own fishing show on Saturday mornings? Imagine, you and a camera crew, out with a video camera, shooting you reeling in trophy sized fish. Isn't that a much better idea? As a water sign, you know you should live near water. Better yet, work ON the lake, not next to it.

Leo : Mr. Mars is still flaming his way through Leo. Speaking of flame, can't you guys be a little nicer to me? Come on! I love Leo's. Hey, I'm a fire sign too! I understand! Now, Mars is energy, see, and you are even more energized than before. No, you're not unstoppable like the Bunny Archetype, but you do get a chance to use your charm to entertain some people. And where does a Leo really belong? Right there in the spot light. With Mars doing his thing to you, I'll give you a better than average chance of winding up in the spotlight this week.

Virgo : Gallant Virgo! Forge ahead! I keep hearing the words of Henry V in my ears, and you should hear them, too, as he does his little speech in Act III, Scene I, you know the bit.... it's that "Once more into the breach dear friends..." Kind of funny, about that speech, it's also framed as a sonnet. But despite the idea that sonnets are supposed to be love poems, and despite the fact that Venus is all over your sign right now, I'd urge you to go after the bigger prizes in life, and hearken to what Young Prince Hal was urging us to all do. In more modern terms, Virgo, Just Do It.

Libra : As the Sun continues on its merry way, it finds itself coming on around to your sign, the Sign of the Loving Scales, and all that it balanced in the world. Or, as Pa Wetzel always refers to himself, a "loving Libra". Ma Wetzel approves. Why sing praises for Libra this week? Mercury is doing a fine dance with the sun, bringing you lots of good stuff. Venus is getting ready to crawl up on your shoulder and make the world a better place, and even relationships with all those folks at work have the promise of going smoothly for a change. This all sounds a little too good, but it's there, so enjoy the ride!

Scorpio : One of the little problems with being a Scorpio is that you are a just a tad too much in tune with the "other forces" or whatever you wish to call it. These unseen forces are certainly working in your life right now. This isn't a bad thing, just a little hard to control. Now, if you'll just take a deep breath, and relax that tense neck of yours, and realize that there is no way to control some of this, you'll feel a lot better. Besides, things are just fixin' to start going your way. Which, in hindsight, is the way it should be in the first place. Please be patient while the rest of us catch up with you and your plan.

Sagittarius : Once again, you feel like there are some great opportunities, right about the middle of the week. But wait, curb that usual Sagittarius impetuousness, and examine this from more than one angle. Check it out, as they say. Make sure this is the THE deal that you want. Nothing is worse than accepting an assignment at the foreign desk, only to find out that the "foreign desk" is some place like Eden, Texas. Which, in case you're not up on it, is spot where it's so flat, you don't have to be psychic to see into next week. In other words, make sure that the deal which looks so good is really the deal that you want. And yes, Eden (Texas) does have industry, a correctional facility.

Capricorn : As long as we've got all this stuff in Virgo, you're in fine shape. The deal is this: the planets make a nice, non-combative angle to you. Life is good. Maybe not great, but hey, is ever that good? No, probably not. However, this is a single little hint of something kicking up from that thing you call your mind... something is bubbling to the top. Great ideas are on their way. Get out a pen and a piece of paper and write down these good ideas. Now, in that piece of paper, what you've got is a solution to certain problems which have been troubling you. That's why I suggested you write it all down because you'll forget it by next week, and, as long as you have that paper, you can refer back to it. Crib notes for life.

Aquarius : This is one of those times when you're supposed to slow down for the week. After what you've just been through, a little rest and relaxation is good idea. Now, R & R means taking it easy for a spell. Extreme vacations are out. No mountain climbing. No scaling huge peaks this week. Besides, it out of season, and you should know that. What you need is a little time out on the lake, drowning some poor bait. In the interest of being humanitarian, try using plastic bait this week. You never know what you'll turn up.

Pisces : Brain power. Two words for this week. Imagine yourself like a giant academic library. What you need to do is update your card filling system. Come on, it's the end of the millennia, time to consider using a computer to keep track of all that information. Ever thought about getting an updated computer system, something to track all those wonderful ideas and useful information that you've got stored in your brain? It's a worthwhile idea. Now, just do a little research into what works best. After all, you're going to need a fast processor this week. And lots of storage. Just remember Kramer's First Law of computer buying: before the ink is dry, after the charge card is debited, but certainly before you get that new computer out of its box, that new machine is now worth one half of what you paid for it. Isn't technology great?

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