For the Week of 11/28-12/4/2002

    “Trust not the physician.”
    Shakespeare’s Timons of Athens [IV.iii.438]

Sorry Doc.

For the Week of 11/28-12/4/2002

Aries: Not long ago, I was pursuing several Texas women. Now, it might seem odd in other parts of the country, but here in Texas, it’s not so uncommon for a Texas girl to have a horse as a pet. Just like I’ve got a pet cat, or most of the people in Travis county have pet dogs, a lot of the Texas girls seem to have horses as their pet. Which, truth be told, isn’t such a bad idea. A good horse can do a few tricks, provides good transportation, and everyone knows, like the bumper sticker says, “Horseback riders make better lovers.” When I was chasing after these girls [“girl is defined as some one more mature than me — they seem to like being called girls — go figure], I found a secret way to get closer. Instead of the usual baubles that most females enjoy, I would send “horse treats” to the girls. Forget the flowers, those are nice, but country girls have them all over the place. Jewelry, unless it’s a prized trophy buckle, usually doesn’t work. Now, horse treats? Works like a champ. Break out of the confines of your conventional Aries thinking. Mars is moving away from opposing you, and moving towards being really nice to you. What can you do to be nice to other people, especially one you’re interested in?

Taurus: I was listening to some cowboy music last week, and I started to notice a trend. Snuff. “Just a pinch between the cheek and gum,” I believe is the tag line for that stuff. Don’t know, I haven’t dipped snuff since High School. I found just about every urban female considers it a disgusting habit. What’s the point of bringing this up to you? I was observing a pattern wherein a lot of musicians wind up writing a song about the stuff. For something that is generally reviled as being distasteful, it sure is popular. Before you wrinkle your nose at me or my horoscope, let me suggest that there’s something — it might not be snuff or similar tobacco product — but there’s something you’ve got, that you do, something you enjoy, and it’s not meeting with a widespread support. Mars and Venus are in the sign opposite you, by Monday morning or so. It’s a good time to hide your guilty pleasures. I’m not saying you should give up the little round can of minced tobacco leaf, but you could make an effort to make it less visible. As one singer is fond of pointing out, “I’ve been dipping for 20 years — never had a problem with worms or long relationships.”

Gemini: So far, in all my travels, in all the personal readings I’ve done, in the files I’ve got on hand, I’ve only seen one “silent” Gemini. I’m not saying that it’s impossible, or that it’s highly unlikely, but my numbers [granted, it’s not scientific, statistically correct survey] suggest that Gemini’s are more talkative. As well you should be, your main planet is associated with communication. Choose your method of communication carefully. I know that you’re gifted with an ability to speak eloquently. Problem being, folks are used to tuning you out. What I always do when folks seem to be tuning out is to drop a huge blooper on them, just see if they’re really awake. You might try this tactic, sometime in the next few days. Or maybe a few times in the next day. Test your audience. Make a bold, brash statement. Test your listeners to see if they really are listening. You don’t want a non-Gemini friendly audience just sitting there, nodding their collective heads up and down. While I agree with you, I do so because I really agree with you. I was listening. You’re going to want to test and see if everyone is paying attention like they should be.

Cancer: I was with a group of friends, all of us paired off as couples, more or less, although the exact dynamics would vary, as to who was interested in whom. I was doing my best, macho, “I am THE man,” swagger. The female I was walking along with had given me her lipstick to put in my pocket so she didn’t need to carry a purse. After the first round of dinner and drinks, and heading down the avenue to the next place for loud, raucous entertainment, at my friend’s behest, I dug her lipstick out of my pocket. This had the attention of the other males. “Gentlemen, love your woman, cherish her, but never, ever carry her makeup,” I admonished, “do as I say, not as I do.” You can swagger, you can act “manly” [or “womanly” I suppose], you can do any number of things to assert your sweet, sexy Cancer self. It’s party weekend of sorts coming up. You can do a lot of things. But one thing you can’t do, is preach one line, and practice something else. In my case, I play this up, but I’m not so sure you can play this up. Don’t be telling folks not to do one thing, when it’s exactly what you’re doing.

Leo: I was listening to a Bob Dylan CD [old recording, fresh CD], and not thinking, I looked at the clock, had to meet a client, and forgot about the CD playing. I jumped into the shower, and about halfway through, I head something that I thought was the cell phone, or the beeper or the regular phone. I crashed out of the shower, dripping wet, looked around, and found nothing. Old Bob was just launching into a harmonica solo. The shower was running, the music was blaring, and it was that hideous harmonica music. To be honest, the tune usually evokes strong feelings, but all I could do was wonder if everyone felt like that was some of the worst harmonica music ever. I hope you’re laughing at me, the sight of me in the front room of a trailer in Austin, dripping wet, the shower still running, and me, trying to figure out which electronic device is beeping, chiming, or ringing. Got the image? I could’ve gotten really upset with myself — or that damn recording — but, for one, I’ve often found solace in the music and for two, it was my mistake, not anyone else. Jupiter is good. Mars and Venus, not so hot. Don’t get upset at a clumsy error. Laugh at it. Or just stay away from bad harmonica players. You don’t want to wind up tangled up and blue.

Virgo: It’s been a decade or more since I’ve spent any time at home, the actual place where my parental units reside, for Thanksgiving. We were going to change that this year, but I think something came up. So those ideas of being home with family and friends don’t always apply. See: you’re supposed to have a good Thanksgiving, or whatever it is that you celebrate at this time, but you’re going to have to work around some travel arrangements. It’s not going to go the way you planned — it’s that simple. It will be fun, and it will be good, it just won’t go according to your finely tuned Virgo timetable. Some events work out like that. One writer I’m fond of, once suggested that all he did was create some characters, throw them in a room and waited to see what happens. You can try the same approach, gather up some people, get them all in one place, and see what happens. The worst way to approach this holiday time [or just this week, if you’re not in America] is the throw the people together, and let what happens, happen. You can never go wrong if you underestimate the outcome.

Libra: Punch line for a very old joke, “Telegraph, telephone, tell a woman.” So I’m showing my sexist, Texist roots. But communications, and for that matter, communication devices play a big part of this coming weekend. Sure, the Holiday is okay, still has a little leftover Mars tension, but no sooner does the big Thursday T-Day wrap up than, all of sudden, life gets good. You want to tell us about how good it is. Back to that punch line, three forms of communication, right? I don’t think anyone uses a telegraph anymore, and I’m not sure that just a telephone will work, but then there’s the idea of gossip, nice, juicy gossip. Eavesdrop on a couple of males alone in a fishing boat, and you’ll know that the sexist part of the punch line isn’t limited to just women. Guy talk can tear it up just as well as any girl talk can, so let’s loose the sexist smirk. And gossip is where it’s at for Libra. Sometimes, the most important messages, ideas and concepts get put across as idle chatter. Since you’re the chatty one these days, put it to use. Now, there will be one or two Libra’s, and I’m not naming names, but you know who you are, and [rather frankly put] don’t need to hear you whine just because Thursday itself, or Friday doesn’t work out. Give it a little time, Mr. Mars is moving as fast as he can, and in his wake, there’s some good stuff. Relax, we can chat about it later.

Scorpio: After the beating I got at the hands of Scorpio’s for the last month, I’m not sure I should even bother to write anything nice. But this is the good stuff. “When?” you ask, “you just hate all of us. What have we ever done to you?” Nothing. Not a thing. I’m just reporting on the planets. Mars, in typical Scorpio fashion slinks into your sign. [As if Mr. Mars could slink.] Venus is turned around and picking up speed. Both of these planets are going to heat things up in the coming weeks, but for now, for right now, just through this weekend and into the beginning of next week, don’t jump to any conclusions. Patient, hard work pays off. You want to set the scene up for things to go just your way. You’re doing a little background work, getting all the parts together. It’s like making sure that you have all the gaskets before you start putting a motor back together, or better yet, making sure you have essential oils before you give your lover a really hot massage.

Sagittarius: [45th Birthday. Better be something damn good.] Party time at the corral, right? Nice idea. Happens every few years, I have a birthday about the same time T-Day rolls around. Makes for some interesting gifts, like that Turkey Deep Fryer one year. But if you’re celebrating a Sagittarius birthday now, like me, this isn’t the best of times. It’s not bad, but we need to concentrate on few things before we get around to the party. There’s some review and revision that needs to be attended to. It’s not been the best of years, not too bad, but there have been better times. It’s an excellent time, under the dark of the moon, to look at mistakes, misfires, miscues, and problems from the past — what went wrong, what went right, where is there room for improvement? It’s not a complete downer, not in the least, but there are few little areas that have room for “growth.” We pull our collective Sagittarius [I’m doing this Thursday afternoon, in front of a ball game while in West Texas] heads together, think thoughtfully about the year gone by, and then we can start plotting what we’re going to do next. I really feel like a good party is in order, and this weekend is a good time to get together with old friends [and new], and make the most of what’s up ahead. Never hurts to glance back over your shoulder, though, just so we don’t all make the same mistakes again. I said “glance,” not dwell on it.

Capricorn: One of my friends works a lot of construction. Work’s hard, pay’s good. He finally joined the rest of us in the modern age, and got himself a portable phone so he’d be available as he was driving from site to site. Now, to keep track of the phone numbers, he used a heavy pencil or grease pen, one usually used for marking lumber, and all those numbers are scribbled on the cab of his truck. He can’t sell his truck, not now. It’s become as valuable as anything else since it has all his contact information. Next time you see a beat up dualie pulled over, and the driver scribbling something on the inside roof of the cab, wave to my buddy as you go by. Don’t honk, he’s got a phone to ear. He’s conscientious like that, he won’t drive and talk at the same time. Like that truck, you’ve got something you’ve been holding on to, something you really think it’s time to trade in, but something’s holding you back. My suggestion was to cut the roof off the part of the cab with all the numbers — but as my buddy pointed out, that might drastically lessen the resale value of the truck. Until further ideas come up, he’s just going to hold onto that truck. What you wanted to get rid of? Are you sure? Maybe you want to hold for just a little longer.

Aquarius: “Robot, we can’t go yet, Dr. Smith is still out there!” Do you remember that line? In its original form? Maybe you’re too young to have ever seen it. According to experts, more television reruns are watched by Aquarius than any other sign, especially the grainy, black and white version of really oddball TV. Vintage TV, as if there ever was such a thing. Some that stuff should be left dead and buried. From Libra, a sign you’re supposed to get along with on into Scorpio, goes Mars, over the weekend, joining Venus, already there. Along with this dynamic duo, you feel a little strain. I wonder — it wouldn’t do the plot to the TV series any good — but don’t you ever wonder about what would happen if the kids had just up and left Dr. Smith someplace distant? No more problems, no more harebrained schemes, no more plot complications, no setup for the cliffhanger and resolution, wait, I think they needed all that on TV. But you don’t need it in real life. Your life doesn’t have to be like bad TV series, hopelessly recycled every year. You’ve got a chance to change something, and change it for the better. It won’t happen without your help, though. Personally, my and my Aquarius self would’ve left Dr. Smith behind by the second episode.

Pisces: No sooner do the holidays officially arrive than your work starts to put itself on hold. I’ve noticed that my retail astrology business takes a big nosedive during this time. Folks don’t want to spend any money on astrologers right now. Likewise, even if you don’t actually practice the hoary arts, you’ll notice work suddenly doesn’t need you as much [this doesn’t apply to that one Pisces I know who’s a retail clerk, black Friday is here.] But I wouldn’t want to suggest that your whole life needs to go on hold just because your career stuff is on a temporary, artificially induced stupor, no far be it for me to suggest that. What happens is that your social activities begin to take a larger precedence in your life. Suddenly, all that extra free time at work is spent talking to buddies on the phone, arranging for the evening’s entertainment, making plans, meeting and greeting, all the phone arrangements. No, this isn’t a bad time at all. In fact, the sudden reprieve at work [Jupiter] means that your love life, social life, and romantic activities [Mars & Venus] are going to pick up. Or get picked up, whichever works for you.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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