Monthly World News 5/95


O no! It’s going to happen again! Head for the hills! It’s the dreaded µ Mercury Ret-rograde again this month! Conventional astrology says to hide your head in the sand whereas the FGS suggests you try reading that contract twice before you sign it. µ Mercury goes backwards in the night sky starting May 24.

Did you know that Lubbock, Texas is allegedly the Chrysanthemum capital of the world?

Aries: buck up, buddy, your ability to make choices about the higher, finer things in life (art, culture, im-ported beer) has improved demon-strably over the past couple of days, and it only looks like it will get better and better. Well, the better part will last for a month or so, and I sure hope that makes you feel much, much better. Yes sir, nothing but good times ahead for you Rams.

Taurus: I mean to tell you, this is a hot month for you. It starts out with a strong planet line up (well, not that strong) but it only gets better and better as the month progresses. See: € Venus, the goddess of taste, brings her healing and aesthetic ability to her home sign. ¬ Taurus. It works, see? You will feel a new power and enlightenment, and perhaps this will be strong enough to see you through the nasty µ Mercury Retrograde. Crawl out of bed and lay on the couch„tell ’em the FGS said it was the best course of action.

Gemini: the good news for the sign of the twins is that you have a birthday rapidly approaching. Consider hiring an astrologer to do a solar return chart for you (subtle advertising), and take time to enjoy your birthday. Now, the problem is that your ruler, that pesky, nervous planet µ Mercury, is doing a backward dance, starting and ending in Gemini. The usual caveats apply, only more so for you. Learn to duck, and make sure you get any commitments in writing.

Cancer: well, you haven’t assuaged your guilt by giving generously to the ñBuy Bubba a Bad Bass Boatî so I shouldn’t say any good things about your next month, but I will. You will still have a tendency toward overÜconsumption of the fun stuff this month so just watch it. Then there’s your annoying tendency to attract potential mates, that is, you are a good luck charm. Really annoying for the more lonely signs. Just be careful with commencing anything new under a Retrograde Mercury. (Sounds like a bad outboard motor.)

Leo: since I forgot to tell you Lions to check the tires on your boat trailer, I guess you’ve figured it out by now. Some Fishing Guide, huh? Oh well, you will have dealt with the problems by now, and a pleasant calm is coming along now. The weird stuff is over, if only briefly. Ever notice that no one else wants to play as much as you do? No matter, just remember to carry a tire pressure gauge, especially for the next month or so. As always, Leo, party on!

Virgo: your normal perfectionist attitude rears its ugly little head again. There seems to be too much work to do, and everybody else is obviously more concerned with having a good time. You are beginning to feel the effects of the God of War, Ê Mars himself, making a fast dash through your sign. The red planet brings action „ get ready for a hectic, long, hot summer.

Libra: all those decisions I begged you to put off for a little while are demanding attention now. Make a concerted effort to get all the loose ends wrapped up by the middle of the month. Anything left until the end might linger for some time, thanks to one small, insignificant planet. The better news is that your sense of balance and taste is definitely returning.

Scorpio: perhaps the best suggestion for a Scorpion, at a time like this „ if one may be so bold as to suggest a course of action for a Scorpio „ is to try a long vacation somewhere in the mountains. A little isolation in cool climate would do you some good. It’s still the long dark night of the soul, although, since there a light on the horizon, perhaps you could just call it the long dark dawn of the soul.

Sagittarius: it’s not like I have an obsession with opera or anything like that. It’s just that this is your time to get everything, and I mean everything, ready for what is coming up next. Work, school, play, finance, romance, are all areas which you find in need of a little overhaul. Imagine all of those heavy set Opera Singers coming at you, as if it were the Twilight of the Gods (Wagner). Your will is running rampant. Try to rein yourself in, maybe learn some discretion. Fate has an interesting time planned for you. Enjoy!

Capricorn: isn’t it nice to know that all of the recent upheaval is over with for a short time. The usual µ Mercury caveats exist, but other than that, you have some clear sailing, if only for the next month or so.

Aquarius: there’s this astrological superstition that the sign of the Water Bearer is notoriously dangerous around computer equipment „ that is, you can make one of these machine crash faster than anyone else. Perhaps it’s you innate gift to the world. Anyway, exercise extreme caution around electrical devices, especially a the end of the month. And please stay away from my trolling motor.

Pisces: more work. Sorry. Still no lucky lottery numbers, either. I mean, if I could pick seven lucky numbers, would I be writing this stuff?

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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