Week of: Jan. 23 – 28

Week of: Jan. 23 - 28

Aries [3/23-4/20]: My dear, sweet, blunt and direct Aries friend, how are you today? I would trust that you are fine, if not exceptional this week. While everyone else is dealing with the difficulties, the trials and tribulations of a Retrograde Mercury, you, my fine Aries friend, should be sailing along almost without a care. Okay, okay, so the first part of the week starts out a little rough with your emotions on edge, but as the week unfolds, all of this trauma smoothes out. Really. You will find a certain ease and grace comes at the end of the week.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: Now there's this renegade planet thing with Mercury and then there's this other stuff with the odd bits of stellar dust in the sky: you have certain knack for a lack of attention to detail. Your normally sharp mind feels like a bowling ball right now. In fact, you will probably be asked this week to make a sacrifice for someone, and you know, you just don't feel like doing it. It would disturb your own comfort too much. You've got the comfortable chair all arranged, the beverage, the radio, the portable TV, everything is just right and just so and then along comes someone else to disturb your perfect world. Sorry about that.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Like any good Gemini (there is no other kind), you have certain maternal longings. Well, these earth-muffin feelings are especially strong right now. It is, however, unwise to act on these feelings right now. Go rent a child for a day (mothers are always willing to give one up for some free baby-sitting), and see if this doesn't answer this ache in your heart for tiny people. It doesn't take too long with a wee one to realize that, as a good Gemini, there isn't much difference between you and that child. In fact, it's pretty easy to see you two fighting over what is the best ice cream flavor. Or you, because you are bigger, grabbing the candy away from the child. It's not a pretty sight. That's why here at Bubba World Headquarters, we recommend Rent-a-Kid. This is really strong this week.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: By now, you should have felt the ever-present approach of the cash cow. The cash cow is a beast that lives in dark antiquity and mythology. However, in the case of this sign, Cancer (the homebody), this mythological beast is about to appear. "Problems?" you ask. Well, this beast brings a lot of energy, and right now, that energy is best directed inward. This is the best time to cook up a few get-rich-quick schemes. Don't actually do anything, just think them up. The time to act is not just yet. Concentrate on the Cash Cow, Grasshopper.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: You are getting incredibly restless right now, and all of this energy which is flowing through your veins feels like it has a lot to do with THE RELATIONSHIP. Your perfect mate, at least you feel this way, is upon you. Idyllic dreams of a permanent and lasting bond forever with visions of loveliness, dance in your head. The problem is that all of this is dancing in your head, it ain't happening in the real world. Get over your silly self. Move on. It is a good time for relationships, but I would sincerely urge you to consider the word relationship to mean friendships and their ilk rather than the strictly romantic type. You feel the drive, just don't drive over someone right now.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: You get a double hit early in the week, and this sets the tone for the rest of the following days: you feel more emotional than usual, more prone to teary outbursts, and more persecuted. Since you're on a computer net right now, maybe you ought to consider checking out the conspiracy archives. You feel like there is a conspiracy against you right now. There isn't really, but try to convince you of that? It will never work. So delve off into some kind of research and see if you can find just who is out to get you this week. Although you find yourself more social, you will keep looking over your back to see who is there.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Dear Libra, is this a good mercury Retrograde, or what? While everyone else is feeling the effects of a negative influence, for some odd reason, this influence seems to be passing you by. The key to surviving this pejorative effect is simple: don't interact too much. Other people (mostly Capricorn's) will misunderstand you. I wouldn't worry about it too much, just limit your interaction with these people.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You know, for a long time it seemed like I was picking on this sign. But, since I am an astrologer, I certainly know enough about Scorpio to comprehend the fact that it is the wrong sign to pick on. After all, I did prepare you for what is going on now, didn't I? You attitude has never been better -- you have successfully dealt with demons from your past, and now you can turn your sharp and incisive mind to work on new problems. During this week, a little bit of self-sacrifice is called for. Not a lot, just a little, The benefits, as you will see, are easily within your grasp. Short term oblation yields long term gain. Bottoms up.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: What you are looking for: a practical, nurturing, tree-hugging relationship right now. Since most fishermen don't hug trees, though, this poses a thorny dilemma, how to resolve the desire to hug a tree and cut that tree down at the same time. The answer? If you keep pestering me this week, we'll cut the tree down. If you would just relax for a moment or two, though, the real answer will come to you: forgo the forestry tree trimming and concentrate on the tree hugging thing. There are some changes brewing, and you need to consider acquiescing to the new ideas. Besides, you might get a date out of the deal, and that will always sway your attitude. Wink wink.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: My dear Capricorn friend: you are getting hammered by the heavens as the celestial spheres roll back and forth across you. Tough times, no? Sorry about this report: you and I both thought your troubles were over last week. Not so! The Mercury thing, the Neptune thing, and now the Jupiter thing are making you miserable. You're all dressed up but have no place to go. Keep your hat on for just a few more days, though, because there are some big things in store for you, right around the next bend in the creek. You do what creek* this is, don't you? *Need a hot link to the lyrics for "Cripple Creek".

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Scorpio is accused of being the most sexual sign. Sagittarius is accused of being the most sexually prolific sign. I always like Aquarius because this sign respects no fences. It's the rebellious nature that I like. The problem is that you are seriously considering tying THE KNOT right about now. Now wait a minute. Wait a cotton picking minute. You are an Aquarius. You are a rebel. You respect no rules except your own. Why are considering a formal wedding? Will it work? Doubtful. I think you are merely awestruck by the person you are with. Get those rose colored glasses off of your face. In a few more days, this matrimonial idea will pass, like digestive turmoil. Then you're back to normal.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: I've been singing about work, and you've been complaining about my singing. The problem only gets worse this week: you will find that almost no one has any sympathy for you. Well, after looking at your planets, I decided to do this: I feel sorry for you. I realize how hard you have worked and I see that no one else is giving you the proper recognition. So there. I was sympathetic, and praised you for your hard work. I hope that helps alleviate some of the pain you are feeling this week. And to think, some Pisces thought I was heartless.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person.