Week of: July 22-28
“I think we are in rat’s alley
Where dead men lost their bones.”
— T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land” (lines 115-6)
Howdy, Bubba, and welcome to the ASTRONET home of Kramer, Fishing Guide to the Stars. It’s time to party on, dudes. The sun is firmly establishing itself in Leo, and the moon is ready to create mischief. Speaking of which, T.S. Eliot is the proper American poet to consult on a hot and sultry summer day. It’s a good summer for baked goods. ‘Course, that’s how many of us feel these days.
Aries
Ever get the feeling that impending doom is hanging over you like a bad hair day? Perhaps that’s why you feel like turning up Prince’s “1999” loud enough to bother the neighbors and worry the dog. Problem is, not everyone shares your devil-may-care attitude, especially the neighbors. Imagine being stuck all day in a fishing boat with a sour partner. That’s you, sourpuss. Even the fish are scared.
Taurus
Today’s word is: mental. You are mentally challenged, mentally, in several areas of your mental life. While that may sound like a mental handicap or something, it means that your mental thinking cap will be tested. Mentally. My mental thinking cap is a ratty old canvas jobber (looks like a gimme cap) that says ‘C. Garcia “Plucky” 1957’ and depicts a vintage fishing lure. One time I got a fishing lure stuck in my nose, and my father went so mental I thought he was going to leave me out on the lake. Don’t try to defend ineffective thought patterns. They’ll think you’re . . . ah, never mind.
Gemini
The last romance window is closing. Venus and Mars have done their thing in your sign and declaring they’ll try to remain friends as they go their separate ways. It’s a split for the record books, really, because the two planets wreaked more havoc in your fertile sign than Van Halen could ever do to a hotel room. Your physical stamina and activity have attracted a new lover. Here’s where you don’t want to get your golden locks caught in the window, Rumplestilskin: The party is over at the end of this week. Remind me to tell you a joke about Gemini.
Cancer
Mars storms into your sign at the end of the week, and that means renewed vigor and some open hostility. Being a little aggressive isn’t bad, just make sure you’re not caught in a boat all day with someone who keeps trying to drown you. It could be ugly. The Coast Guard may become involved. Or worse, the local sheriff. Be careful about water skiing this week. Despite your extra dose of energy, being extra careful that you don’t overdo it, whatever physical activity “it” is.
Leo
Yeaux, Leo! The sun begins its month-long stay in your sign this week. A Leo birthday is profound compared to the other zodiacal birthdays. Now that you’re a year older, you’re going to feel like expressing yourself more loudly and strongly than ever before. Well? Go for it. If you fail to exercise this expression, you’ll regret it. Just make sure you’ve thought about your Shakespearean soliquoy before you start foaming at the mouth. And have a stellar week!
Virgo
It’s not a conspiracy, really. Oh sure, there are some who think there’s an “X-Files” cover-up around every corner, but not you. Except this week. I’ll wager that you’ll feel like you and only you — Scully isn’t here to help out — can save the world. For some reason, you have stirred a powerful enemy, a demon from your childhood or subconscious or tech support department, and it bothers you a lot. But that’s OK because a Virgo without something to worry about is not a pretty sight.
Libra
A respite from difficult money problems seems appropriate this week. Your innate sense of beauty and harmony pay off. You will find, if only for a brilliant moment or two, that you are attracting a pretty lil’ thang into your life this week. Whomever or whatever, I suggest you grab it with both hands and reel it in like it’s the Lost Treasure of All Time because it looks like the catch of the week.
Scorpio
Speaking of catch of the week . . . Are you ready for this week? It starts with a big bang not unlike the one physicists use to describe the birth of the universe, and things only get better from there. Don your emotional armor: It’ll make an impressive sight as your ebullient attitude shocks everyone. Bet you like that, too. Smiling will make them wonder what you’re up to.
Sagittarius
This is a week when you consider joining the Peace Corps. Your problem is that you have a tendency to help people who don’t want any of your horse stuff in their stall. They don’t want your misguided charity. I pity you. Really. Here’s what you do: Remain as selfish as possible. The more you try to help, the more you get in the way. Odd? Yes. But trust me on this one.
Capricorn
This is a week when you must restrain yourself. Try a restraining order. Or handcuffs. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and Saturn is often viewed as restraint itself, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Your normal ability to judge right from wrong, good taste from bad, etc, is gone like Michael Irvin’s chances for becoming a role model. Your good taste has gone fishing. Your ability to make judgment calls isn’t too swift, either. Hope you’re not an umpire. Or a judge. Rather than let this be a worrisome time, just remember let someone else take the blame. Like a lawyer.
Aquarius
In the good ol’ days, you would have picked up the phone and spent hours talking to an operator, trying to get through to a place. Let’s say Williamson County in Texas. These days, you log on to your computer and spend hours trying to connect to your online service or Internet provider. The more things change . . . Basically, it’s a week of obstacles. I like the line from a Dwight Yoakam song about getting a note “From the folks over at Bell/Just to let me know for my next phone call/I could walk outside and yell.*” The problem is that you are full of ideas, just no way to get the news to the world, except stepping outside to yell.
*Dwight Yoakum, (c) 1988 Coal Dust Music
Pisces
Here’s good news: Nothing bad is happening this week. No work-related trauma. No family problems. No car troubles. No IRS auditors. No banks looking for delinquent sums. No ex-wives looking for past-due child support. No ex-husbands looking for affection and pity. None of the usual troubles affect you this week. Just wait until next week.
