Week of: April 28-May 4
"Do I look like a cudgel or hovel post, a staff, or a prop?"
in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice (II.ii.65-6)

Aries : I wish I could write flowery language and make everything sound like the world is a wonderful place for an Aries right now. But I can't. I mean, this is one of THOSE weeks wherein everything that can go wrong will surely do so. It's like you out on the lake, an early dawn is breaking, and as you fire up the outboard motor, you smell something funny. As you go tooling along to your favorite spot, you notice that there is a slimmy trail of oil following you. Looks like you'll have to row back so don't forget the oars on this trip.

Taurus : If it's not one thing, then it's another. Looks like the usual amount of mercury mischief is up right now. The smallest amount of relief can be found in the fact that Mercury moves backwards into Aries this week thereby giving you a little relief. All you problems seem to be compounded by the fact Venus is in Taurus right now. Remember? Venus rules you. She is supposed to bring a delightful influence but with the other stuff that's going on, all can say is watch out for old lovers who surface at the wrong time.

Gemini : If you were a more rebellious sign, I would encourage you to push ahead with that new romantic fling you've gotten started on. Despite my dire warnings, it looks like you've begun a new "relationship" with a "significant other" which means that you are definitely not heeding the usual Merc RX caveats. Oh well, that will be your problem, and it will show in a few short weeks.

Cancer : Despite what is normally thought of Cancer's this isn't a week for you to be around children. I can see it now, some one asks, "Do you like kids?" And you reply, "If they're young enough, and tender enough, or if you can get them slow roasted to make them tender again." Then you will launch into a discussion about various smoke flavorings and the relative merits of Mesquite versus Oak for BBQ. I do believe your wit will be missed, but this is only a modest proposal.

Leo : Last week was cleaning house. This week is cleaning the mind. In fact, there's a new product on the market called "Mental Floss" which, this is just what I understand, you stick one end of the floss into one ear, and pull it out the other ear. This is how you can sharpen you brain, and get a few mental cavities this way, too. sounds a like a great tool for some of the therapists I've seen. Now, this is a good week to hone your razor like intellect and get a few more pieces of the mental picture in order. I would still advise caution when trying to deal with other folks, though, because the planets are still in an uncomfortable position for you.

Virgo : There is a slow, processional piece of music which would be the best thing for you to listen to these days, and I really mean right now. You've just been thoroughly rocked by the universe, and you you feel like now is the time to rock back. I would exercise caution, though, because you will want to quietly consider your options before striking out blindly. Ask yourself, "Self, do I really want to start down that same trail which leads to oblivion?"

Libra : I'm sure you've got kids, and if you you've got kids, you will notice that this is one week when they have a way of showing up a the worst possible time, with the worst possible request: money. I can't tell you how much this means to me, as a son, that we can sure use the bread right now. However, as an adult, I must caution all you Libra parents from forking over too much dough to the restless young ones.

Scorpio : The problem with being a Scorpio is that you guys rarely, if ever, do anything halfway. And that idea of a halfway romance is good for you for this week. Doesn't look like much more than a serious flirtation, but it does look like there is a romantic offering in the start up. After what you've just been through, this last few weeks especially, I guess I can't start lecturing you about "tall dark handsome" cliches. Too bad, too, you could use the lecture.

Sagittarius : It's getting real close to a time when you need to consider getting incorporated. You've seen a steady decline in your business, and then there is this sudden upsurge, and now, I'm telling you, go big time. Go for the brass ring, whatever that means. You've got a strong sense of direction now, and you have strong sense of where you want all this to take you, so I would seriously consider getting one of those "corporate" umbrella things to hide under because there is always going to be a little rain.

Capricorn : Have I warned you about compulsive behaviors yet? Did I tell that habits like smoking and drinking too much whiskey are bad for you? What else can I warn you about? How about Golf? It's a dreadful disease, it starts out so simply, too. Just a few holes a day, and then this disease slowly takes over. Golf pants, golf carts, better golf clubs, silly hats, and so on. You get the picture, I'm sure. Just say "no" to a detrimental activity like this. Your propensity for the compulsive anything right now is pretty bad. I would suggest bass fishing as a good alternative, now that not a bad sport at all!

Aquarius : This is a critical week for you because you are about to see some of the rewards which you have labored long and hard to receive. There is a small percentage of you Aquarian's out there, though, who haven;t labored long and hard to accomplish anything and therefore, you aren't getting any rewards, just an overwhelming sense of frustration. While we're at it, you might want to reconsider your position, and see what steps you can take to making it a little bit better. Of course, talking about hard work offends me -- I just hope it doesn't offend you.

Pisces : While the planets have been in disorder, you have blithely gone tripping along. Now that the planets are headed back to some semblance of order, you are starting to scratch your head and wonder what the fuss was all about. It's like the time when you dropped the fishing hook overboard without any bait on it. You managed to snag a decent trout on a bare hook. That's what you're feeling right now, that same sense of wonder (and confusion).

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Kramer Wetzel


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