“The bay-trees in our country are all wither’d
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven,
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look’d prophets whisper fearful change”

— A captain in Shakespeare’s “The Tragedy of Richard the Second” (Act II, scene iv)

Howdy, Bubba, and welcome to the ASTRONET home of Kramer, Fishing Guide to the Stars. Speaking of Shakespeare’s lean-looking astrologers, if you would like an expanded and accurate reading based on your personal chart, see the order information in the Kramer area.

You and I know that things are bad right now. Despite this, you are at a turning point where you can actually SEE the signpost up ahead. The next stop is not the Twilight Zone but a halfway mark as Saturn makes his trip through Aries. In plainer English, you are halfway to getting things in life that you really want while some of the trash is being removed from your life, even as you read this.

The last of the Taurus birthdays are this week and after that, you should feel relieved because of the commotion in your house lately! The bad news is that the coming-and-going frenetic energy isn’t gone yet. But you will do more than survive: You will thrive on the attention you’re getting. Look for a little surprise, an astrological bonus if you will, at the end of the week.

In another direct but very Gemini-like about-face, you are stuck this week singing those same sweet love songs that you’ve been singing for a few weeks. You might be in trouble if your life, especially your love life, is starting to resemble a country and western song. It’s a sure sign that trouble is headed your way if you can identify with any (or all — you are Gemini after all) the characters in a decent Country and Western song. Let me know which song you feel like in a week, you old songbird, you.

Get ready for too much work and not enough time to get all those tiny details taken care of, especially at work. You know you belong on a boat this weekend, but you can’t seem to get everything at the office tied up. Or the workshop. Or the garage. Wherever! Loose details drive you nuts, like getting out to that sweet spot to fish the Southeast side of the lake, only to discover you forgot the bait.

The problem with being a Leo is that you’re always dependable. That’s one of your finer qualities. I know I can depend on you for criticism, coercion, and most importantly, completion. Your problem lately involves unscheduled flights of fancy. While this isn’t a problem for the usually grounded yet artistic Leo, these little daydreams might lead to a certain amount of inattention, especially at the wrong time. Could be a problem if your BBQ-ing on the outdoor grill. Pay more attention to the details at work. Daydream a little less and check your ego at the door.

I want you to think about rodeo, especially bull riding. Imagine an animal that weighs more than a compact car. This fetid devil of an animal has a brain smaller than the average astrologer’s brain, perhaps even smaller than that of a house cat. Now, torture this animal a bit to ensure a bad attitude, then hit him with 50,000 volts of electricity to make sure he’s really irritated, then sit on top and try to hold on for eight seconds. Bull riding isn’t for wimps and this week, being a Virgo isn’t for wimps, either.

Somehow I got started on a rodeo metaphor this week, and you’re stuck with it, too: This week is like barrel racing. You need a high degree of finesse as you negotiate the course, looking for beer in the barrels. The worst part is that you have to hurry. This week is a race to hurry around obstacles faster than anyone else. Look on the bright side: barrel racing isn’t nearly as dangerous as other rodeo events. You could be on top of a very angry bull who’d just had his tail plugged into the electrical socket. You’re lucky this week.

For some odd reason, Scorpios from Arizona think I have it out for them. In fact, I’m grateful for many of the lessons I have learned from various Scorpios, like 1) Stay at least 100 feet away at all times and 2) A court order is a court order — obey all law enforcement officers. Your lesson this week is about patience — it looks like you don’t have any. This is caused by a difficult angle from a couple of Chris Farley-sized planets. Don’t worry about it much: Life without adversity for a Scorpio is just plain BORING.

Ever try your hand at calf roping? This is the week to wallow in the sawdust and dirt of the rodeo arena and try. Calf roping requires Wal-Mart-sized quantities of finesse, and most Sagittarians don’t always possess that amount of dexterity. It doesn’t mean you won’t succeed, and it doesn’t mean this isn’t a good time to try something new. All I’m saying is that you might not meet with the success you want.

While other signs are receiving rodeo sports suggestions, the only advice I can give you is to watch yourself around the old Rodeo Arena of Life because those critters with the long horns, the bulls, are liable to gore you good this week if you’re not careful. Watch out for long, pointed objects, whether it’s on an animal, the hood of a car or the front of a train.

The week starts out well and finishes strong like Panhandle wine: fresh, changing, and with a surprising good taste, too. Just like that stuff that comes from grapes grown outside of Lubbock. I know, it’s hard to believe, but this information is direct from reliable sources.

One week, I’m telling you to clean house. The next week, I’m suggesting you clean your hard drive. Now I suggest you clean your car or boat. I don’t care which one because if you are like most Pisces, everything could use your attention, but you only have the presence of mind to do one task at a time this week. Then again, you might just blow it all off and go fishing. Sounds good to me.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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© 1993 – 2022 Kramer Wetzel, for astrofish.net &c.

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