“Eat my leek.”
— From Shakespeare’s “Henry V” (V.i.9)
Aries
Heat rash is a problem these days. Usually, you don’t get that itching under your collar, but nowadays, it’s there. Ice will cool a fevered Aries brow. Imagine a swimming pool, filled with ice cubes. Or imagine a vat of cold Roosevelt dimes. Now that’s a way to break the summer heat. If you embark on a fishing expedition soon, imagine a cooler filled with already-peeled shrimp on ice (with cocktail sacue) because you stand a chance to make a haul like that (if you get past the heat rash).
Taurus
It’s not like I deliberately want to undermine the hope and faith of every Taurus among the FGS Faithful, but I can’t help it if you’re plagued with an incessant buzz of a metaphorical insect you can’t see, reminding you of fundamental changes that need to be made in your life. OK, I’m beginning to sound like an old coot, reminding you about having to clean up your room all the time. Someone has to do it, though. The cicada-like buzz wouldn’t be there if you and your circadian rhythms didn’t need a tune-up.
Gemini
During this seven-day period, Tarzan/Jane, you swing through a lot of emotions. So what’s new, right? This week the Moon is hitting the zodiac highlights in the sky and that means your emotional well-being is tied, literally, in knots. It’s like a fishing line that gets hopelessly tangled. While there’s a rosy glow to this whole mess, you’re not there yet. Good luck with the knots.
Cancer
Be wary of astrologers who propose get-rich-quick schemes, especially this week. The plan and the pitch sound perfectly plausible, Poindexter. For you, it’ll even make sense. That’s also the problem because next week you’ll ask yourself, “Self, why did I agree to this ludicrous plan?” Then you’ll want to take yourself out behind the woodshed and thrash yourself for believing what they said. Can I interest you in some futures in Astrology trading?
Leo
The final few days of the party in Leo are winding down, and the authorities have only been called once or twice. Not bad for a Leo. Now the Sun will gracefully move into Virgo which means, you party animal, that it’s time to get back to work. Begin reeling the big bucks in this week as if they were fish and you were a fishing deity. Yessir, it’s time to make that transition in life from party reptile to money grub. OK, it’s a backward theme for you but trust me, the money gets better.
Virgo
Here’s an early birthday to the Virgos among the FGS Faithful who need to be reminded that yes, it’s your time of the year. Listen now, friends, to the sanctimonious and righteous words of the Rev. Kramer: “Yo! Happy birthday! Time to cut loose, shake that thang and dance on the countertops!” “Oh joy,” the Virgos mutter under their collective breaths, “more parties and drunken fools to clean up after.” That’s right, but when is a Virgo happiest? Being of service. Like cleaning up after a big party. Or planning one, if that gives you any hints for this week.
Libra
Libra is unduly influenced by Mercury. That’s not a such a big thang except that Mercury is retrograde right now, and it’s in the sign of the accountant, which is right next door to you. Therefore, (this is going someplace) you need to be more than careful about the books right now. Anything associated with piles of numbers or figures marching across the ledger page of life require your eagle eyes. Look out for accounting errors this week in a big way.
Scorpio
The problems that face Scorpio this week are strictly on a financial plane. Maybe you think your problems should involve a corporate jet, but alas it turns out to be a single-engine Cessna. Wait, there’s more: Instead of being the pilot, you’re stuck in the rear passenger area we call “steerage” because it’s in the tail of the plane. That’s what’s happening to your financial plane this week. “Facing new challenges” is the nice way to look at it. Cost-cutting is another nice expression.
Sagittarius
Not many people know about the deep, dark recess of your mind, that “Little Shop of Horrors Nook.” This dusty and little-used portion of your brain is visited by spotlight-wearing spelunkers this week. Problem is, it feels like the glare of a stage spotlight. I heartily recommend staying away from tee-vee talkshow hosts. Geraldo? You’d rather have a chair broken across your nose. Jenny Jones? Puh-leeze — how can a talkshow host have more plastic surgery than Pamela Lee? Oprah? Maybe, but only if she agrees to pig out on BBQ with you after the show. Barbara Walters? She’ll only make you cry. Gordon Elliott? Tell his people you’ll do the show only if he drops the phony Australian accent. Leeza? Hmmmm, she’s kind of cute AND from Texas… OK, maybe. If a camera crew is camped out on your front doorstep, then there might be trouble. Better e-mail Kramer immediately at KramerW@aol.com.
Capricorn
Getting out of last week’s mess? Time for activity! Road trip! Drive, she said. Get away. While running away from a problem usually doesn’t solve it, it will in this case. Saddle up your favorite horse and see the rest of the ranch. Better yet, toss some fishing gear in the boat and head out to your favorite fishing hole. You’ll find solace in escapist behavior this week.
Aquarius
The Heddon Chugger is a concave spoon noisemaker lure. Most fishing guides wouldn’t advise this lure today, or even this week. I say give it a try. The noisemaker is just what you need to attract the attention of the really big fish. Go ahead and act like one of your rivals and attract the attention you crave and deserve.
Pisces
I remember telling you around the first of the year to put plans into motion. Get-rich-quick schemes. Multi-level marketing scams. Get rich on cleaning products. Or selling seeds. Here’s the news: Some seeds have found purchase in the rocky place known as your life, and the first buds of life are poking through. As the ideas sprout forth, look at them. Study them. Know them. Become them. Remember, I suggested a home-based business. Have I told you about becoming your own brewery? Or distillery? It’s easy! And fun! Send $19.95 to….
