Week of: 4/13-19/1998

O! thou great thunder-darter of Olympus; forget that thou art Jove the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little, little, less than little wit from them that they have.

    Thersites in Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida [II.iii.6-10]

I always did like Thersites. He’s mean, low, and generally not good for much except a little comic relief. But it’s his biting sarcasm that I love the most. Just don’t let that last, little bit of Mercury bite you.

Aries: Monday is not an inherently evil day, not by your typical definition, but this Monday starts out with a nasty little Saturn/Sun duet which might not be too pretty. Reminds me of that famous Texan Lyle Lovett and his doomed relationship with whatshername. And, any way you slice this week up, it’s going to be a long road to Ensenada. Speaking of South of the Border, did I ever tell you about the great place to eat in Ensenada? Dreaming about fresh seafood might be the only recourse for a week that starts with this ill-fated Saturn song and dance.

Taurus: Last week was “Show Tunes for $100” and this week? This week is “New Cars” for $100. Actually, the price of new cars has gone up so it might be something else, like a “good, pre-owned” vehicle that you are supposed to be looking at. One of the problems with this class of automotive transportation is that you get deal with a classic archetype from the collective unconscious: the used car salesman. Poor fellows have a terrible stigma attached to their career, and you get to deal with this very archetype, if not a used car salesman himself. Imagine some guy in polyester plaid sport coat, trying to arrange to have “low monthly payment” for you right now. Remember, the little planet has not fallen out of it’s bad week either, so maybe this isn’t a good time to listen to that salesman.

Gemini: A Gemini mind is fascinating thing, so many pathways and little quirks to the routing of the mental messages, it is truly fun to watch, like driving by Six Flags and watching the roller coaster. But you need to be careful this week, because your mind has turned into a bad neighborhood after dark. This isn’t someplace you belong. After dark, alone, and it feels like they (no antecedent to the pronoun) are out to get you. This is a week which requires a little bit of internal contemplative time. But like the bad neighborhood idea, maybe you don’t want to do this alone. Or after dark. And if you do venture in there, at least go armed.

Cancer: By now, my fine Cancerian fellows, you should be watching the proverbial clock, counting down the minutes to when you get a serious dose of relief. Like a good cup of herb tea, or better yet, a decent plate of BBQ (with potato salad and two slices of white bread), you will find that there is a relief in here, and in the meantime, before this relief shows up, try to “do” lunch as often as you can. Around FGS World HQ, the lunch counter is up in Round Rock, and the information about what bait is working best is important. You can pick up some little tidbits like that if you are willing to listen this week.

Leo: There are some very interesting planets doing very interesting things and this makes your life a very interesting place. Love or money, this week. Pick one or the other. I can’t see you squeezing them both in this week, but it’s not from a lack of trying. There is only so much time in a day, only some many days in a week, and that just doesn’t seem to fit with your schedule too well. So concentrate on one or the other, but not both this week. Personally, I’d go for the money, because, being Leo and all, the love will always find you. Everybody loves a Leo. You may not feel it this week, but it’s true.

Virgo: Virgo’s can be such handsome creatures, but when the planets fall into certain disarray, the Virgo face gets this pinched look, like there is a foul odor coming from an unnamed source, sort of like “the plumbing is backing up again” look. That’s how it is this week. And, as if the news about Mercury wasn’t bad enough, there is the love planet of Venus, opposing you right now. You’re just not a happy person this week. Doesn’t make you any less good-looking, though, but I’ll bet you don’t see it in yourself right now. So? So don’t take matters quite so serious this week, remember, the plumbing is expensive to fix, but you can just put a rotating fan in the window to get some fresh air, and that’ll help ease the aromatic stuff in the air.

Libra: I can feed you a line like, “It is the best of times, it is the worst of times,” but you would quickly catch on that it was just a line. In fact, with all the nasty stuff stacked up against you, you’ll just tell me it is the worst of times. There is a silver lining to this cloud, however, but I don’t think you are going to like the way I pitch this: it’s called “work.” Work is a foul word, seldom used, here at the headquarters. Regrettably, for Libra this week, this “W” word comes into a very clear focus, thanks to that pile up of planets in the opposite sign. There is some relief, and it’s looming, just OVER the horizon, which means, it ain’t here yet.

Scorpio: Despite what all the other world class astrologers are going to tell you, I will beg to differ. And as often as I’m accused of picking on Scorpio’s, I’ll tell you how good this week is going to be. The deal is this: the Sun hits Saturn, Mercury is retrograde, and Mars moves into opposition to you sign. Sounds pretty bad? But being a good Scorpio, you can put out that Saturn/Sun fire with your water, Mercury is too small to be bothered with this week, and Mars will only serve to strengthen your will. You’ve got the power this week, just tread lightly on the rest of us poor signs, so we don’t get hurt in the fracas. You’ll win, but you knew that already.

Sagittarius: Ever studied geology? The science of rocks and stuff? Geologic time is at work right now. You’re moving in Sagittarius time, and the rest of the world seems to be moving in geology time, like, no changes for hundreds, even thousands of years. Eons, even. Careful, too, because you might be tempted to help speed up the process, and you know what? This week, that will result in frustration. Big time frustration. No matter what you do to try to get everyone else up and running on Sagittarius time, you meet with obstacles. See, you’re the hot, flowing lava right now, and the rest of the signs are just sitting there. Be careful that you don’t burn anyone with your touch this week.

Capricorn: Like I’ve implied as delicately as possible, this is a good time for you because you are face to face with obstacles. And rather than hand you some bland truism which sounds like a weak new age aphorism along the lines of, “Obstacles are nothing more than brilliantly disguised opportunities,” I’d say something like, “You’re a Capricorn, if you ain’t got to work for it, you ain’t happy.” And that comment has more truth than anything else. Things won too easily are soon forgotten about, and this is shaping up to be a week that you will not want to forget anytime to soon, no matter what happens.

Aquarius: While every other sign is spending a lot of time freaking out, relax a bit, and pretend like their frantic behavior is amusing. Secretly, I’ll assume that you are getting a little worried, but we’ll just keep that our secret. This week sort of meanders along like an idyllic little stream, coursing its way through the Hill Country. Get ready, though, because there will be a sudden downpour, and this little stream that is your life is going to swell up and over flow it’s banks by this weekend. Of course, I’m just talking in metaphors,. but you get the idea.

Pisces: It was just about a year ago, yes, just bout 12 months past when Karma, Fate or the Wheel of Fortune dealt you a serious good hand of cards. Being Pisces, you didn’t fully take advantage of this good hand. Now, you’ve got a chance to play this one out. While everyone else is struggling with minor planets and minor problems, bluff, cajole, grin slyly, even leer a bit, and get ready to giggle when you claim the winning pot of gold. It could happen, you know. It could be something as simple as a scratch off lottery ticket, or as convoluted as flipping a real estate deal. Either way, get ready for a decent pay off. You heard it here first, straight from the horse’s mouth.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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