3.29.1999

Week of: 3/29-4/4

Mercury turns its happy self around and there was much rejoicing in the land. Sort of. We ain’t out of the woods yet, folks.

Tell me where the quote in Capricorn came from, maybe shoot me the lines themselves along with the citation, and I’ll see about getting you a free “el-cheapo” report back via email. You know the drill…

Aries [3/23-4/20]: You feel like you are driven by Turbocharger this week as Jupiter and the Sun do something up close and personal in your sign. These planets, acting in unison, are guaranteed to make you feel like a motor that’s been heavily modified. The problem with doing something like adding a blower to a naturally aspirated engine is that the systems all tend to get a taxed and stressed. So, the secret is to make sure you have enough motor oil in your life to make sure that everything runs smoothly. Consider getting your personal oil changed, and don’t forget to add a clean filter, too. Around here, I use a rare blend of extra heavy duty coffee as a good lubricant. Works on me and the plumbing, too.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: One of the FGS Faithful is a Physics student at the University of Texas. “I crash stuff into things,” is his definition of what Physics students do. And that’s what your week is going to feel like, as Reality (Saturn) crashes into (squares) Neptune (dreams). So much for being a dodgy astrologer writer. The real meets the unreal, the unknown becomes known, and reality comes crashing into your world this week. It’s not bad, but given your basic Taurus type of sentiments, this isn’t the best possible time. Avoid the usual stress relief mechanisms, and I can’t stress that enough.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Unlike most signs this week, you are going to be happy. I demand that you be happy, in fact. Or, you demand that I decree that it’s a good week for Gemini. You guys ain’t liked me for the last week or two, and I’m tired of your whining, complaining email. Your little ruling planet turns itself around, and I promise that things get better and better. Now, there’s still a little problem with work, some of the stellar dust from the last Mercury Retrograde ain’t settled yet. Might want to wait until the dust looks like it has settled some. Of course, being a Gemini, a long time might be about 20 minutes in real time. But the dust will settle just so you can stir it up some more.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Ever been C&W dancing? No? You should try one of the Cowboy Dsicotechques before they are all gone. Or the legendary Broken Spoke, on South Lamar in Austin. You’re going to feel like you’ve stepped into just such a place, and you’ve got someone cowboy or cowgirl who has picked you for a dance partner. You’re going to feel like your partner is flinging you around the dance floor this week. Sawdust is kicking up, your boots are scraping on the wooden floor, and no matter what is happening, you feel like you are moving to some rhythm that just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. In fact, you are going to feel like your dance partner is some sort of maniac. You’ll notice that a good aerobic instructor couldn’t keep up with this week’s frantic dance pace.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: There are wonderful changes on your horizon. The problem with the “astrological event horizon” is that is often resembles a West Texas horizon. Things out there seem mighty far away because, in fact, they are far away. The old joke comes to me right now, about a feller in the Permian Basin whose dog ran away from home. He watched that dog for three days. You’re going to feel like the good changes on the horizon are at least three days away. It’s really a lot closer than that, but be prepared for a little wait. Like watching that dog run away from home.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: We can take this week one of two ways for you Virgo folks. Either it’s going to be rather good period of time, or it’s going to summarily suck big time. Knowing what I know about astrological influences, though, I would suggest that any activity you do this week, well, almost any activity, will benefit you. Try any activity that ends with “ing” like going, doing, traveling, driving, walking, running, and so forth. I can’t promise that this will turn the tide on the negative action of the planets for the week, but a short little work out will have immeasurable benefits on your mental health. Of course, eating is not always considered a sport, but if you dine in some the places I do, then it is a sport.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Tough call this week as Mr. Sun and Mr. Jupiter do their thang in Aries, on the opposite side of the giant Ferris Wheel of life. It’s like being at the top, and you are going to feel like you are just swinging back and forth. Last fall, I landed at Dallas Love Field, and the route for the jet went right over the Texas State fairgrounds. I can see you up there, just sort of stuck. Now, Jupiter is the lucky star, and it does mean that this planet can have fortuitous effect on you. So while you’re stuck at the top of the wheel, consider what you’re going to do when you get down. It will happen this week, that ride will start turning again. The tough part is you might feel like you’ve been hanging since last Fall’s State Fair.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Out there, among the FGS Faithful, there is a Scorpio reader who thinks I write everything just for her. “Hi Mom.” I don’t target everything just for her, and all I’m reporting this week is that Mr. Mars is moving in backwards motion, and Scorpio is going to have a bit of a tough time. A few old obstacles, things you thought you had dealt with, are going to come back to you right now. It’s sort of like having a recalcitrant son show up with a truck load of laundry. Maybe it’s a good week to stock up on cleaning powders. And if that dirty laundry is back to haunt you, consider a trip to the laundry mat as a solution. 43 loads of dirty linen could wear you out — and it’s possible to do it all in fell swoop this week.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Ever have someone really irritate you? To the point that even in your magnanimous Sagittarius heart, you thought about revenge? “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” rings through your brain. “Where is this coming from?” you think, “I’m not like this at all.” Not usually, but Mr. Mars and Ms. Scorpio are doing a little number on you right now. The hardest thing to do this week is be noble. Remember, what goes around, will come around, and you don’t need to do anything this week which will only come back to haunt you in the immediate future.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: “Now is the winter of your discontent,” to borrow liberally from Shakespeare. It has this ominous feeling, especially as the week gets longer. It’s not you. It’s the planets. Jupiter’s tango with that Sun of Aries (not York) is like an ill-timed battle. And speaking of ill-timed battles, this is a good week not to face off against adversaries. It’s not a good week to go boldly forth and do battle with the enemies. You might just wind up like Richard, promising your kingdom, the one you are the rightful heir to, for a horse. In case the allusion escapes you, don’t tackle battles this week because you have fewer allies that you think. Don’t worry, they’ll be back at your side, later.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: There’s an illusion you’ve been laboring under. This catches up with you. It’s not called an illusion for nothing. It’s like Scooby-Doo cartoon, one that you know the outcome of. I mean, it’s always the same thing, but for 17 years, you’ve watched that show, and for the same 17 years, you always get a little surprise at the end. Never mind that it’s all supposedly predictable. So, just like the exciting denouement of the cartoon episode, you’ve got this exciting thing happening to you. Of course, the monster was a hoax, and the dream that gets shattered this week turns out to be hoax, too. Remember, it was fun while it lasted. Time to change the channel.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Mercury is no longer retrograde, not by the end of the week. And it’s going to make haste in getting itself out of your sign, too. In the meantime, there has been a little more than usual junk which has accumulated due to the influence of more than one planet. While business is good, romance is the pits. No two ways about it, not right now. Of course, this is just a natural cycle of life, and it will work out better in a little while. Times being what they are, though, I recommend a degree of patience this week. Give that insignificant other a chance before you flush the whole thing away. Before you throw it all away, consider that “it” might make good catfish bait.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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