7.5.1999

Week of: 7/5-11

    How should I your true love know
    From another one?
    By his cockle hat and staff,
    And his sandal shoon.

Opehlia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet [IV.v.46-50]

Trivia hunt question is “shoon” in Aries this week.

Aries : This is a special week for some people, and the vacation events all look pretty good. The only problem with this week is that it’s also what we call an “almost” week. And the problem with it being an “almost week” is that close isn’t usually good enough for my favorite Cardinal Fire Sign — that would be you, my fine Aries. Terms like “close” and “almost” and “good enough for government work” just don’t cut it in Aries land. This week, I suggest that close is, in fact, good enough, and that a little mediocrity will help you. I mean, there’s nothing mediocre about you, but sometimes, just being a little on the average side, even if it’s only for a week, will help. E-mail me with my favorite brand of sandal this week, and you only get one guess, and I’ll see about sending you an FGS Planet Profile via E-mail that proves you aren’t medicore this week.

Taurus : There’s a fine little send off Aries is giving to Jupiter right now. And then there’s a tough little call from the other side of the zodiac, too, as Mars makes the final conflicting contact with Jupiter. So between the two planets and signs, and you’re going to feel like some one has just performed an unnatural act on your breakfast. It’s not always bad, but this week starts out a little too tense. The tension does lift, as the week rolls by, but while other folks are telling you how wonderful that Jupiter is supposed to be, I would do you a disservice if I didn’t call attention to the fact that Mars is going to heat up this cosmic mixture. Frantic, hot-tempered dance music comes to mind, like some of Austin’s own “speed-metal-jacket-country-swing.” It’s just something to get your toes going. Not to mention other body parts, as well.

Gemini : Tension in life is a good thing. Or it can be. The problem with this week is that it finds Gemini a little tense. While this isn’t so bad for a normal sign, Gemini is far from normal, and it’s going to exacerbate a non-typical Gemini condition right now. This tension, though, can be put to good uses, if you just find the right Gemini outlet. Of course, at the mention of outlet, most signs think about the outlet mall, the one up on the interstate where there are all kinds of good bargains. Ever notice that some of the stuff is marked down from a ridiculously high price, something that just doesn’t ring true? While shopping might be a diversion for some signs, I still feel like this week is one which requires a new Gemini form of tension release. Get any good ideas? Let me know.

Cancer : As much as it pains me, and you just don’t know the pain I have to endure in order to write a decent Cancer horoscope, this is a strange week that culminates in a good weekend. It’s just getting you to the weekend that’s going to be the source of the pain. It’s not an easy trip, but the pay off, the reward at the end of the week, makes it all worthwhile. I don’t want to mislead a decent Cancer, but this all ties to a lunar phase, and the Moon is important to you. Just about the time your fishing buddies are beginning to complain, about the time no one else is getting a nibble, much less a strike, you’ll find that your catch begins to improve. In fact, you risk a little professional jealousy by others because it gets so good by the weekend.

Leo : The little planets are exciting the biggest sign in the zodiac, again this week. This is supposed to be a good week. In fact, I double checked the information with both software and an astrology textbook. Both came up with good news for Leo. Or mostly good news. There is one troubling little area right now, but I wouldn’t want to bother your magnificent and magnanimous sign with this news. However, it’s not quite your birthday time yet, and the celebrations need to be a restrained a little. No need to make everyone else envious of your good fortune right now. Spread the wealth around, help distribute the good cheer that you feel. As long as you’ve got Mercury doing a dance with you, it makes it a lot easier for you to share your good luck with the rest of us. Or share whatever luck it is that you seem to be enjoying. Don’t forget that all FGS horoscopes are Y2K compliant if you want to share your wealth into the next year, too.

Virgo : There’s a creepy sensation that goes with this week for you, a certain sense that there is something just about to happen. Add a degree of lazy lassitude to feelings, and you’ve got a little bit of a confusing time. And that feeling, you sense it along the back of your neck, you just know that something is “fixing” to happen. After painting a completely sordid picture fraught with ominous overtones, I hope I haven’t set you off your feed. It’s not that bad. But a little care is called for this week because you are close, so very close, to something happening in a good way, and yet, and yet — it’s not quite here just yet. Patience may be a virtue, and Virgo may be the most virtuous sign in the zodiac, but your patience and virtues are sorely put upon this week. Add that sinister feeling to this, and you might be uncomfortable. Relax. Nothing bad will happen this week. Or, at the very least, nothing bad is supposed to happen this week — not to a good Virgo like yourself.

Libra : Ongoing astrology research is both a tireless and thankless task. But you, being the good Libra that you are, will thank me and the crew at FGS World HQ for our recent findings. Number one, Mars is not always your friend. Number two, Mars has moved into another sign. Of course, this movement is going to sound like another one of those happy platitudes that gets kicked around a lot. But really, it’s not. You are going to begin feeling a degree of relief as some much needed balance finally returns to your life. In fact, for a brief, shining moment this week, you feel ever so much better. Now remember, I’ve suggested that there is a moment of pleasant stuff happening this week. After what you’ve been through recently, all stirred up in the summer heat, this pleasant feeling might be nothing more than standing under the AC vent after you’ve been out in the summer heat. Mars is moving on to excite other signs, so enjoy the moment’s respite, wherever it comes.

Scorpio : Ever hear a Texan boom out a good (and loud) “Howdy”? That’s what you should do to greet the week. In fact, exclaim that welcome greeting to as many people as you can, hopefully, just about everyone you encounter, this week. Mars is settling in for a period of time, and as you know, in ancient astrology, Mars was the planet always associated with Scorpio. Mars does tend to excite things just a little, so it’s up to you to use this new-found energy to “boldly go where no man has gone before.” You might want to adjust that expression to fit more politically correct times, but I’m sure the sentiment carries through. So be careful about trying to be discrete this week because it won’t work. Mars will make you loud, and Mars will get you noticed. Go ahead and act like you wanted all the attention that you’re going to get.

Sagittarius : Regrettably, this week, we find the good archer on the down side of a lunar cycle. It’s as if there was a big party last weekend, and this week, you are stuck with a yard full of paper plates, old BBQ bones, a still smoldering BBQ pit, and an empty keg of beer floating in a container of warm water. While your weekly aftermath may not look exactly like this, it does have the appearance that someone had a good time, and you are stuck with the unseemly chore of cleaning it all up. If you are a good Sagittarius, and there is no other kind, then you are going to do your very best not to sully your hands with this effort. The only real caution this week, besides avoiding work, is that BBQ pit which has a thin trail of smoke coming from the ashes. You might want to make sure you’ve put out all the fires from last week.

Capricorn : One of the prime movers in the sky is always the Sun, and old Sol is opposite your sign right now. This can make for discomfiting waters flowing around you. Unsettling. Untoward. Un, un something else, too. However, there are number of smaller planets, little objects which follow a path around the Sun, and these little guys are all moving in a direction that is very positive for you. In fact, it looks downright wonderful. If you can act like a team player, if you can act like another cog in the wheel, if you can pretend that you are just falling into pace with everyone else, just doing your bit, just pitching in to help, you will find that it is your one percent, ten percent, or whatever you contribute, it is your percentage that makes the difference. Of course, I’m an astrologer, I can see that it is your special contribution that counts. Not everyone will see it that way.

Aquarius : I predict that this is a good week for the Aquarian section of the sky. Of course, every Aquarius person I know always contradicts me, so I’m not too sure about this weekly forecast. But the Moon is in a good place for most of you. And the other planets are, too. More or less. There is a growing concern about NEXT week, but we’ll get there when we get there. THIS week looks like one that is relatively easy for you. But getting back to that ability to contradict everything that I suggest, I’m sure I’ll hear from the odd Aquarius who claims I’m way off with my prediction. Honestly, I sometime think you guys just go out and make stuff up, just to be right. Your ruling planet — a strong influence in your life — is right dead-center in Aquarius at this time. It is supposed to be a good thing. All week long. Really. No other sign is tough enough to take this influence and come out smiling.

Pisces : While everyone else is getting over the parties from last weekend, and while some signs are busy surveying a mess, you are quietly enjoying what is supposed to be a good summer week. I know, the heat index might be a little high in your neighborhood, but the heat index always climbs in our summer. Even if it’s not summer in your hemisphere, your personal heat index is climbing. And the other signs are all worried about getting this or that cleaned up. It’s not your concern this week. You’re actually in a good position, thanks to the Moon and Sun. I suggest caution though, when you start to act a little too ebullient about celebrations. It’s as if the party weekend isn’t over for you, and not everyone you encounter this week will gleefully enjoy your continued fascination with explosive devices. Time to be careful with the fireworks. I know you have some left over; just use a little caution when setting them off. Not everyone will react in a joyful manner at your outbursts of happiness.

© Kramer Wetzel, 1998, 1999

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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© 1993 – 2021 Kramer Wetzel, for astrofish.net &c.

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