1.1.2001

Week of: 1/1-7/2001
“Look in the calendar, and bring me word.”
from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Act II, scene i.

What a way to start the new year!

Or new Millennium, depending on which arbitrary calendar system one is using. Around here, we’ve all opted for the old-fashioned method of marking shadows, and we’ve all noticed the days are perceptibly longer. Not so much that you’d notice it, but the new year and the usual beginning of the cycle is working again. And if there’s an old spin to a new tune, then I must be headed to El Paso for the coming weekend.

The Gourds have a minor, local hit, and it speaks to me at a time like this:

Chicken blood on my pants
My hands are shaky and my pillow is damp
My hands are shaky and my pillow is damp
Cigarette rumble seat
Drive all day got nothing to eat
Drivin all day got nothing to eat and I’m goin to
El Paso
I’m goin to
El Paso, I’m goin to
El Paso, I’m goin to.

(The Gourds, K. Russell – Krakatowa McDinglefury World Publishers, BMI)

Quiz time in Sagittarius.

Aries [3. 21 – 4. 19]: Slow down and hold your cotton pickin’ horses for a moment. Not for long, but look before you leap into the fray. It’s like a barroom brawl (not that I have any experience with this myself), and you really, really, don’t need to involve yourself in the fracas, not right now. No need to go up to the biggest guy and try to reason with him, either. Just doesn’t work. Over the years, I’ve developed a special technique for dealing with these situations. It involves back doors, and putting one foot in front of another, just as fast as I can. Now, it might not be a physical altercation, but you can bet that something is coming up, and there is no reason to jump into it, not right away. Let your emotions cool off before making a hasty decision. (especially like sending hateful notes to the astrologer.)

Taurus [4. 19 – 5.20]: I realize it’s the holiday season, and I know you don’t want to hear what I have to say, but I’m referring to a passing influence, not a long term deal. It’s that sense of frustration when no one will do, act, behave, in a manner consistent with the way you are thinking right now. Sure is frustrating. I suggested a starboard cast, and the client tossed the line out the left (port) side of the boat. You’re like me, you suggest live bait, and they grab a lure or plastic worm. There is only one cure, and that’s patience because I know that you know you’re correct. It’s just there are some other folks who haven’t caught up to our way of thinking. "Starboard, that means left, right?" Just shake your head and mutter. Works for me, and I’d suggest it’ll work for Taurus this week, too.

Gemini [5.21- 6. 21]: It’s a new year, new whatever, and it’s high time that you did something to make your place of employment more enjoyable for yourself. As a strictly personal suggestion, I’ve found that a string of Xmas light — remember — that was just a week or two ago — a string of such lights, left up year round makes an adorable additions to the cubicle, office, store front, or even, in my case, the cab of the truck. Xmas lights in the cab of a pickup truck? Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. And why make work a nicer place for your multi-talented Gemini selves? The more time you put in at work right now, the more effort expended in that arena of your life, the better positioned you are. If you’re on vacation, like a lot of us are, then look for decorations to take home for the office.

Cancer [6. 22 – 7. 22]: Come and escape with me. We’ll go fishing this week. You, me — we’ll just use the little johnboat, nothing big or loud. Get away from it all. Sounds great, huh? Won’t work, but it’s a pleasant idea. The mornings are really too cold for my tastes, and I’d rather be buried under the covers at this time of the year. And it looks like the solitude which you crave right now won’t be available, either. Sorry about that. You’ve got one too many relationship "things" pushing and pulling on you at this point. Let’s go back to the idea of fishing — you can fish, or you can cut up some of that smelly stuff we use for bait. You get to make the call this week, but you’re going to get stuck with one or the other. Sorry about that.

Leo [7. 23 – 8. 23]: Too often I end my weekly or monthly missive to Leo with a simple "party on!" expression. Great words to a great sign. Right now, however, this is NOT the time to follow this usual advice. Concentrate on work. While everyone else is nursing a hangover or a computer "glitch," you should be saddled up and rolling through mountains of work like a butter knife through a hot roll. I would rather think of Leo as a fillet knife, and the pile of work as a nice fish, which needs to be cleaned for supper, but I’m not sure that the allusion would translate to non-fishing Leo’s. But you do get the idea. While everyone else is fogged in, attack that mound of crud on your desktop.

Virgo [8. 24 – 9. 22]: Communication skills are important, especially to a particular Virgo who seems most interested in getting the perfect word in the perfect place. Give it a rest. On some occasions, like this week, the perfect word will not line up just right. However, lots of words will come out. There’s a maxim about life, quite often observed here at the office, "If you can’t dazzle them with your brilliance Kramer, baffle them with your [organic animal byproduct]." As a special gift, from me to you, this week, use that rule. On some occasions, quantity is preferable to quality, and while none of it might be perfect, you can always go backand refine the stuff later.

Libra [9. 23 – 10. 22]: Planning and preparation are the keys to successful execution right now. And while the term "execution" might have some dreaded overtones to it, this is more like a computer executing a command, rather than a firing squad dealing with a recalcitrant and guilty rebel. Of course, you will feel like that rebel at one point this week, but like the classic allusion to a cliff hanger ending, you do get rescued at the very end of the week. Again, this works out because of your planning and preparation. Or maybe it’s due to a quirky turn of Fate, but who cares? The real secret is to act like you meant it all to turn out this way. Repeat after me, "I meant for that to happen." Such a phrase usually works.

Scorpio [10. 23 – 11. 22]: I was listening to some music which could be best classified as "heavy metal," and that sort of music is what it takes to properly convey the sense of this week. Loud, driving tunes. A strong backbeat, a basic 4/4 time, Thump thump thump for the bass line. It’s Mars and he’s acting in concert with a few other planets to really shake up some events. It’s like the familiar lick from any number of songs, "the house is a rocking (don’t bother knocking)…." Now, you can try and be the sly Scorpio that you are, or you can come on strong, under this musical, martial influence. You get to pick, but my suggestion is to come on strong. Eschew the usual subtle Scorpio approach. Mars makes it darn near impossible to be coy, why bother trying?

Sagittarius [11. 22 – 12. 22]: Pop culture quiz. Or reference, anyway. Thriller, by Michael Jackson, came out, well, it was a long time ago. Guest vocals by whathisname. And that song, as well as the guest vocals, really sound just like this week. There’s a sense of warning, but even in the voice of the dire warning, there’s still a minor key of merriment. Something, perhaps it’s the tone of the message, but somewhere, it really isn’t that bad. To be sure, dark alleys, over crowded malls, and some of my old neighborhoods are not places you want to be — thanks to Mars in Scorpio. So avoid the usual hotspots which are tinged with danger right now. Learn to laugh like Vincent Price — it really helps. For a chance for a free ‘el-cheapo planet profile from FGS World Headquarters and movie store, email me the correct Vincent Price birthday information.

Capricorn [12. 23 – 1. 18]: Happy birthday, dear one. I know you thought I forgot about the Capricorn birthday specials, but, no, I didn’t. And this promises to be a good year, the one approaching. Some of the fear, uncertainty, and doubt, yes, even a Cap or two was doubting me last time, yes, all of that is on its way to be being replaced with …. what? That depends on the individual chart. But there is this ever hopeful feeling that something good is right around the corner. It’s a building sense of excitement this week. While everyone you encounter might seem to be a bit dour, just keep a cheerful facade on that pretty Cap face, and get ready. It’s getting better — moment by moment.

Aquarius [1. 19 – 2. 18]: This is a cautionary tale for the older set, really, not that a young person with boundless enthusiasm can connect with it, but it’s one of those times — especially at the beginning of the week — when you feel like you’ve got the Mother of All Hangovers — only — only you weren’t drinking last night. Or you weren’t drinking heavily. It’s really a planetary hangover, not so much something you consumed. As the week unfurls itself, like the main sail on a graceful watercraft, you’ll find that you begin to escape this hung down, drug out feeling. If you let your imagination run away with you, you might begin to imagine that you did something to deserve feeling like this. I seriously doubt that you played that much, but the old body just can’t take what it used to, now can it?

Pisces [2. 19 – 3. 20]: Half way through the week, more or less, Venus creeps into your sign. She stealthily makes her presence known by radiating good stuff all over the place. While the weekend before might be a bit of let down, a little anticlimactic, the week promises to be a good one, it’s just getting to the middle of it when all the good stuff starts. This reminds me a fish tale, perfect for Pisces. The monster put up a great fight. The fish was so big, it was dragging the little boat all over the lake. Yes, and the fight lasted hours until that sucker was worn and brought up next to the boat. Although we were expecting something huge, it turned out to be a barely mature minnow, looked more like bait than fish. At least that fish made a good story…. Lord knows we always tell the truth about the size of the fight in the fish, leastways around here, we do.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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