Morning show: love it. I think I like radio life. Good: Don’t have to shower [except that we’re stuck in tiny studio together]. Better: Don’t have to dress [not like I do, anyway]. Best: the station was doing a Krispy Kreme Doughnut remote, and the producer showed back up with two boxes of doughnuts. I’m thinking, “This is the life.” I hoofed it out of the station, begging out of a ride home as I thought it was early enough to still enjoy a modicum of coolness in the atmosphere. I wandered around the hike and bike trail, over to the office, then back to the trailer. Got home and found a FedEx envelope — hope springs eternal — right concept — with a check and card to the cat — but not the envelope I hoped for — originated in the wrong state. By noon, I’d had a full day. NYC stuff. King of Hearts. Hooters. I fetched up a bunch of e–mail, but one really caught my eye, long, funny, and so Scorpio —
Hi Kramer,
Just thought of something. I have been reading your horoscopes every week for a couple of years now. Unfortunately, I often have trouble translating them from Texan Astrologese to English. So when you say, ” Well doggie, it looks like the Pluto Mars square going retrograde through Uranus is going to be like a tractor pull with the gas petal all the way down. So get ready for some dirt in your face and smoke in your nose. My momma’s a Scorpio too, and I’m making her fish from the dock for the next week”
Unfortunately, by the time I figure out that what you really mean is that, “OK Scorpio dude, heads up! Your boss is doing your wife and charging the hotel rendezvous against your business travel account. Get ready for a audit from the corporate accounting dept.” It’s already way, way too late. Then I got to thinking, what if I took your regular bar room dialog and put it in Shakespeare so you would get it. Pretty good idea, no? OK, so ‘Here are a few of the unpleasant’st words That ever blotted paper!’
When Kramer and his friends go out, here’s how to tell when Kramer is putting the moves on his lady in a Shakespeare bar. That’s right, a Shakespeare bar, it’s like a disco, but the chicks are all the psuedo goth hotties who like to wear boosty-As.
Kramer to his friends: “Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt.”
which in Texan means [“If you don’t ask, you don’t get. I’m not going home alone tonight.’]
Kramer spies a lady. Kramer: “My words fly up, my thoughts remain below”
which in Texan means [“Hey baby, you got a cute ass”]
Me Lady: “To business that we love we rise bedtime, and go to’t with delight.”
which in Texan means [“I’m a lady of the evening’]
Kramer’s friend: “Oh, what a bitter thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes.”
which in Texan means [“Damn Kramer, that gay guy is cheking you out.”]
Kramer’s other friend: “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, … Nor hath love’s mind of any judgement taste”
which in Texan means [“Dude you’ve had too much tequila ‘]
Kramer to his Lady: “Things won are done, joy’s soul lies in the doing. … If you be pleased, retire into my cell And there repose … That we should, with joy pleasance, revel and applause, transform oursleves into beasts.
which in Texan means [“let’s go to my place, and have monkey love.”]
his lady: “I like this place and willingly Could waste my time in it”
which in Texan means [“Nice Trailer’]
Kramer: “Your heart’s desires be with you!”
which in Texan means [“Tell me what turns you on”]
His lady: “That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.”
which in Texan means [“Hey cowboy. Get on your knees and make me smile”]
Kramer: “But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.” … “Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed things rank and gross ”
which in Texan means [“Honey, you’ve got to wax the bikini line!”]
his Lady: “Shall I bend low, … With bated breath and whispering humbleness”
which in Texan means [“It’s Rodeo time cowboy”]
Kramer: “Tis not so deep as a well, nor wide as a church door, but mind you tis enough.”
which in Texan means [It’s like throwing a hot dog down the hall.]
Kramer: “Blow, blow, thou winter wind! Thou art not so unkind”
which in Texan means – never mind – it’s illegal in Texas
Kramer Later that night/morning: “I do desire we may be better strangers.”
which in Texan means [“I’ll call you tomorrow – and tomorrow and tomorrow”]
==================
You were right, the last couple of months have been helll.
Hope you are laugh as much reading this as I did writing it.
Take care,
Ten Pentacles
