“[you are] so lean that blasts of January
Would blow you through and through.”
Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale [IV.iii.111-2]
Aries: Ask anyone who’s spent any time in front of an audience, trying to entertain the folks: comedy is serious business. And sense timing is at the heart of the question, let’s look at your timing right now. It’s bad. It’s very bad. Personally, I don’t have any problems with your timing. You’re either too soon or too late, but that sort of thing never bothered me. Way I see it, we’ll get there when we get there. And that’s a good attitude to adopt right now. We’ll just arrive when we arrive. No sooner, and no later than the right time. Naturally, our version, Aries and me, our version of what the right time is, and their version, I mean every other sign, their idea of the correct timing and our idea don’t match up too well. Oh well. So on your timing this next few days, and especially the coming weekend? don’t worry about it. And try not to tell too many jokes. You might alienate your audience that way.
Taurus: There are certain times in your life when being subtle is the best route. There are certain places where a hushed whisper is more than loud enough. Then there are times when a stage whisper, possibly at the very top of your Taurus lungs, is the best way to firmly announce what you want everyone to hear. So if you have to make any proclamations right now, if you have any information which needs to be disseminated to the masses, start with a quiet voice, and start out with your own version of, “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but….” See how it goes? The private life of a Taurus is important, but for the next few days, there’s a spot light on you, and why try to be subtle? It doesn’t work. Be loud. Be the center of attention. And if you can’t be right, try my old adage, “Be wrong at the top of your lungs.” I’ll promise you can’t be secretive, no matter what happens, so have a good time with it. After all, you do deserve some nice attention, for a change.
Gemini: Some folks look forward to a weekend. In my line of work, though, weekends are hectic affairs, what with tourists in town, and me traveling and all that work that needs to be done. Your weekend is looking like mine, it’s going to be a lot more busy than you want it to be. sure, the income derived from this thing called “work” sure is nice, I just wish it wasn’t so time consuming. Likewise, you’ve got a load of stuff that needs to be attended to. Needs your attention. You have a lot of work to do, and it needs to get down by the end of the coming weekend. I wouldn’t throw such a hasty, nasty deadline at you unless I had some sort of good news on the far end of it. The work thing? If, pretty big “if” here, but if you get it done by the Monday morning deadline, then there’s a break. A little bit of a breather. Some rest and respite for your hard efforts over the weekend. The deal is, though, you’ve got to get it all done on the cosmic schedule. I just write the scopes, don’t blame me for you having to work this weekend.
Cancer: I travel a lot in Texas, and one of the observations I’ve made is about the type of music available on the desolate sections of road, the long, lonesome highway stretches between here and there. It’s usually of the country and western variety, the music that comes in, and in some cases, to this day even, there are places where no FM music is available. At all. Even in this modern day, can you imagine such a place? It happens. The deal is this: most of the songs are about lost love, missed opportunities, and the pitiful lamentations about someone who’s done someone wrong. Pretty sad stuff. Why you should you be worried about the type of music I get subjected to? If you’re not careful, if you drop your guard, you fall into one of those songs yourself. No reason to let this happen, and you can always blame the planets — if you know what you’re doing. If you don’t, then better leave blaming the planets to an expert like myself. But do watch out so you don’t slip up and start thinking you’re in some sad song on the scratchy AM radio.
Leo: Nothing is worse than being right, and having other people fail to acknowledge that you’re right. I know the feeling (rather too well, I might add). But while you and I might commiserate about this, precious time is slipping away. Make your point. Be concise. direct. To the point. Then get out of there. Some folks are, like as not, somewhat disinclined to agree with you. Doesn’t matter if you’re right or not, it’s more like them (the other signs) are just more inclined to want to dispute whatever you say. Now, you’ve read this, you have an innate understanding of basic human behavior. When you’re face to face with an unruly crowd, the best action right now is to turn tail and run. Trust me on this one. So what if you’re called a chicken? does it really matter? No, it doesn’t because, eventually, the folks who were less than so inclined to agree with you will come around to seeing things your way. But until that happens, say your piece, then get on out of there. Is this a clear message? I hope so. Sometimes you should stand and fight. Other times, though, running away is a perfectly acceptable form of defense.
Virgo: This is just about the last of it. By this time, next week, you’ll be saying, “What did you know, that crazy astrologer guy was right.” I hear it all the time, so I’m used to it. Mars is still over yonder in Pisces, and Mars is still making you less than the most happy person in the world. He wants you to render a decision. He wants it right now. He doesn’t want to wait. All that grace and charm you had last week? Gone. It will be back, but until then, you have a decision or two you need to make right now. Given your normal mind condition, this is a difficult process to begin with, and Mars exacerbates this situation because you’re stuck weighing both sides of the decision, trying to determine what is right and what is wrong. It all looks like a gray area to your Virgo thinker. Worse yet, there is no clear cut right or wrong answer because of the consequences. See? You thought I didn’t know. Take a little extra time to think this one through, but be aware the deadline is fast approaching, and you need to make that decision. I still think you’ll choose right.
Libra: There was an editor I once listened to. He bragged about the fact that he always carried around at least a half dozen manuscripts that he was working on. “Never can tell when you might find a real gem in there,” he was saying, “takes a lot reading. Always carry something to read, no matter where you are.” The thought of carrying my work around with me like that, all the time, it sort of scares me. I don’t think I’ve ever held down a job that I like that much. For that matter, I have hard time holding down a job, but I guess that’s another question altogether. But like that editor, you need to reach down into your pack, rucksack, briefcase, or shopping bag, and you need to make sure that you’ve got something to work on. You’re in a peculiar position, and your mind is working overtime. Go ahead, as long as your intellect is razor sharp, indulge it a little, and see if you can’t come up with a creative solution to one more annoying problem you’ve got left over from work. I have faith in you.
Scorpio: Some weekends were made for going out, and some weekends were made for sitting at home. This next few days? This is a great time to sit around the house. Call up the pizza delivery place, order up some of your favorite crust with your favorite toppings, flip a video into the old TV set, and prop your feet up on the coffee table. Get the picture? It’s not a time you want to be out, galavanting about. It’s a great time to sequester yourself at home, take it easy, rest, relax and build up your strength. Or whatever it is that Scorpio’s do at home alone. I’m not sure, no one’s ever been able to spy on a Scorpio, so the data is incomplete. But whatever it is that you guys do, do that. Do just that. Take it easy, take a break. Give it a rest. Now, there’s just one caution with the “sitting around the house” thing. If you overindulge in that pizza too much for too long, be careful about the sitting around the house. You might just fit around the house. But do take some kind of a well deserved rest.
Sagittarius: The weekend gets off to a lurching start. Matter of fact, it starts lurching along about Thursday, and then it behaves just like my old truck. It sputters, catches, shudders, almost dies, then belches out a great plume of black smoke, coughs again to clear its carburetor, and then it starts to roll on down the road at a goodly clip. The weekend, the days before, and the days before, then the days after, they all act just like the truck. sort of a stop and go motion. I would complain about this, but I had a special massage by one massage therapist (in training) and it was just like the ride in my truck. So I sort of figured it’s all about the same thing. I just save the money and go for a ride. So even though there are some fits and starts which aren’t exactly planned that way, and just because things don’t seem to start out smoothly, there’s a gradual sort of feeling that takes over. It doesn’t happen right away, but the lurching motion that starts out right before the weekend, the St. Vitus dance, that all starts to even out some. Long about Sunday afternoon, the heavens begin to pave a way that makes all of this ride a little less choppy. And rather than complain, remember, some folks good money to get treated this way — we’re getting this for free.
Capricorn: Who hit your “play” button? Wasn’t me. But you sound just like a scratched CD in the player, skipping all over the place, repeating some things (that maybe don’t need to be repeated), and all the while, you’re just running on and on about this, that and the other. While this is usually referred to as “holding forth,” and while holding forth is a time honored Texas tradition, sometimes, it sounds like you’re just working your jaw because you’re afraid it’ll seize up if you don’t work it. All that talking can’t be good for you. Lord knows, it’s not good for us, not after a while. Go easy on the motor mouth syndrome. As much as we like listening to the mellifluous Capricorn voice, sometimes, it’s just better if you would try and keep quiet for a moment or two. Listening is a great exercise, one of the best things you can do with those Capricorn ears [besides wearing fishing lures as earrings], and there’s no time like the present to learn to listen. You have, or will, give us an earful. Let us think about what you’ve said.
Aquarius: Some people have what it takes to get the job done, and some people, quite frankly just don’t have what it takes to get the job finished. Between you and me, you have what it takes to get this done. Maybe you didn’t even start it, but it’s been dumped in your lap, and you will, this is for sure, finish what was started. Might take you a little longer than you were planning, but you will accomplish the goal. Period. End of story. Finish. Over and out. Done deal. Thirty. Got that? You will finish whatever it was that got started. Maybe you weren’t the first person they called to finish this up, but you will finish the task at hand. Seems like I’m belaboring a point, but there’s a reason for this: your tenacity will be sorely called upon in the next couple of days, and it looks like you’re the only one who can actually make it happen. Go ahead, be a star. You can thank me later.
Pisces: I was going to suggest that you lay low for a spell, but there’s not much chance of that happening. I was going to suggest you try to move incognito, but once again, not much chance of that happening, either. Ever watch a rodeo clown? All that paint, all the whimsey, all for a serious job? You’re going to wind up looking like that rodeo clown, out there, having a good time, all the while, you trying to distract a creature whose nickname is “Widow Maker,” you’re trying to get Mr. Widow Maker’s attention, just so he won’t continue stomping some poor fool who thought he could ride that beast in the first place. In this situation, you are the real hero. Okay, so you’re the real heroine, for some. Using art, humor, maybe some face paint, you’re trying to prevent something bad from happening. The trick is to make this look effortless. Good luck on your mission, it takes a lot of effort to make it look effortless. I think you’re up to the job, though. There’s at least one cowboy out there, counting on you being up to the job, as a matter of fact.
