For the Week of 2/14-20/2002

“Let me deal coldly with you.”
Shakespeare’s “Two Noble Kinsmen” [II.ii.186]

Two Noble Kinsmen is a recent addition to Shakespeare’s Canon. Adding it sparks some debate, but in part, it was probably authored by Shakespeare, probably collaborating with Fletcher. And dealing coldly with some folks is the way it feels on Valentine’s Day. There is always that one, recalcitrant lover who needs to be dealt coldly with. With Mars and his little arrow in Aries, there are some hot times to be had.

Aries: I got this one card, from an Aries, one time, and it said, “I’ve got a Heart on for you.” Cute. Yeah, right. So much for the maudlin, sympathetic sentiments for the week, and happy Valentine’s Day. Now, let’s move on. Mars, yes, I’m still working with and Mr. Mars, he’s still got you about hot as can be. Plus, there are other astrological elements leaning on you. If you’re a good Aries, you really have your heart set on just one Valentine, but if you’re really good Aries, then you’ll follow some of my advice right now: consider the options. There’s more than one who’s interested in you. While you’ve been narrowly focused on just one, many have been vying for your attention. So broaden your scope a little, and entertain the notion of entertaining more than one. Notice the careful choice of words: entertain the notion, and consider the options. Neither of these phrases suggest that your take immediate action. But with Mars doing his deal, you don’t need to take immediate action. But do try and be aware. Look around. Should someone outside your normal realm of Aries operations try to break in on one dance, go ahead and let them. It never hurts to play the numbers, even if it’s only a casual flirtation.

Taurus: I have the funniest way of looking at things, and I’ve been running an unofficial joke list for years. It helps with my sensibilities, just when I start to take everything a little too serious, some joke finds it way to my desk top, and I’m reminded that the world is basically a strange place. And my funny malapropisms have been acting up again. I continuously confuse Halloween with Valentine’s Day. One is when you dress up in costume, and act out your fantasies. The other one comes in the fall, at harvest time. Now, what’s the connection between these two? And what’s funny about this one, Valentine’s Day? Consider confusing it with Halloween. Consider dressing up a little, and I’m not talking about something goofy, I mean a real fantasy piece. In fact, consider carrying this theme on into the next weekend. Maybe into next week. I’ve got a gray, three piece suit I’ll put on. No one will recognize me. All done up in professional attire, looking like banker or something. What can you do? Red dress, with the side slit up to your hip? Business suit? Torn jeans and ripped T-shirt? The style you choose is all over the place, but there has to be a secret, sexy element to it all. Acting out your fantasy right now is really a good idea as it makes it easier for you to get just what you want for Valentine’s Day — and beyond.

Gemini: Feeling all alone? The hype and the hysteria getting to you? Worried that your heart’s desire is not acting in accordance with what your Gemini mind thinks he or she should be doing? In fact, are you feeling a little left out right now? Gather up your Gemini selves, and go and feed the pigeons. Or, do like I do, I get some stale bread from the stale bread store, and I go out to the park, by the lake, where a lot of silly geese hang out. Those guys see me coming, and there is the greatest of rackets as they squawk, honk, shake, rattle, and roll on over to see me. Some of the males get this thing going, where they spread their wings wide, and make a lot of extra honking noises. There are usually no more than half dozen of these critters, the geese, but the fanfare they create is wonderful. So when I’m not getting the attention I figure I deserve, I do something to make it happen. It may not be the best audience the world, but it’s not bad. So, if you’re not getting the attention you feel like you deserve, follow my lead. Find an audience that does appreciate you. You know I do. And you know that your temporary entourage will love you. This, in turn, makes you feel better, and suddenly, that heart’s desire starts to behave in way that is more acceptable. Give the geese a shot.

Cancer: There’s a pleasant little surprise someplace in the next few days. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m pretty sure there’s a something coming along, maybe by snail mail, maybe down the old virtual vacuum tube, maybe in a box, maybe by bicycle courier, but there’s something coming along to make you happy. In the strictest of metaphysical terms, no one can make you happy but yourself. But there will be something in the next few days, maybe even on the big day itself, which is guaranteed to bring a smile to your lovely Cancer lips. So much for the good stuff. There’s also a chance, it might be a long shot, but I’m always willing to play to the long shot, and this one chance is that whatever brings a smile to your lips can also turn that smile into a snarl. “Isn’t that nice? Look what he sent me,” is the way you start out, “that worthless [bad words omitted for the sake propriety].” I know you’re a darling Cancer, and I know that you have a great depth of feeling. But for once, like, for the next few days, why not just take the shallow, friendly gestures at their face value? Peace offerings are peace offerings, take them for they’re worth. Meet shallow, hollow symbolism with your own, shallow, but friendly, reciprocal actions. “It’s just darling! I think I’ll put it in the garage!”

Leo: This is something I’ve only heard about, but never worked it myself: mailing labels for Valentine’s cards. You know, it would bother some folks to get a card, especially a Leo, and find no signature, no pithy comment, nothing but a blank card, and the fact that the card itself was addressed by a machine. Now, you can get yourself all worked up over this, or you can stop long enough, consider that the Sun is still on Aquarius on Valentine’s Day, and then think, “It’s the thought that counts.” The point to this example is simple: little things are going to irritate you. That’s bad. Letting these little irritations get to you, that’s even worse. Now, I gave up on the mailing labels for Valentine’s card because I could never get the printer, the computer, and the labels to all work together at the same time. The labels looked great on regular paper. But they never lined up right on the labels themselves, and I spent a lot of time being frustrated until I realized I could just address this stuff by hand, and it would be faster. So if you get a card with a label, have some sympathy. I mean, stop and think. That person probably spent more time working on your label, and it really is the thought that counts. If you really stop and think about it, you got off easy, you should’ve seen the frustration here.

Virgo: You just knew it was going to come to this. You just knew, in your Virgo heart, something like this was going to happen. Can’t say that your heart — or that Virgo intuition that you’ve got — you can’t say it didn’t warn you. But it happens like this just about every year, right after the holiday, right after this coming weekend, the Sun moves into Pisces, and you’re not happy about that. Pisces time tends to be a little too imprecise for the Virgo that you are. It’s not exact enough. It’s mushy, with all kinds of vague, uncentered, meandering, not quite focused senses floating around. It makes for a large let down from the big holiday push. So enjoy the nice celebration, have a good one, in fact, you know that I’m wishing you the best of a Valentine’s day deal, but in the back of that Virgo mind, keep track of the days. As soon as Pisces starts, everything is going to go a little out of focus. Is this a problem? No, you don’t have to let it be. If you can turn off your thinking device for a little while, and go with the feelings instead of trying to figure out what’s going on, you’ll be a lot happier.

Libra: I’m enough of a scholar to realize when I need to consult a textbook to know what to write for a particular sign’s scope. And I’m not afraid to get the big books off the shelf, open them up, and look at the configuration of the planets — and try to decipher what it all means. But I’m in trouble here, right now. There are conflicting reports. So I tried a different book, which then lead to another book, and then I was stuck with a pile of books all around me, a real mess because one would say how good it is, then another would say how bad it is, then another would say something different. And I was going to shoot for a median average, but there’s no middle ground to be had, near as I can tell. So it’s like this: very good or pretty bad. I tend to figure it’s going to be good because there’s a marketing push, media hype, and a general plethora of billboards on the highway of life that all suggest it’s good. And even if it’s bad, in your one Libra spot right now, it will be good in a little while. It’s like that one Valentine’s card I forgot to send, it will go in the mail this week, and while it might be late, the feeling it captures is good. So even if the big day doesn’t turn out quite the way you want it to, the days that come after it are, by that law of averages, bound to be good. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get the late Valentine’s card.

Scorpio: Valentine’s Day is usually accompanied by certain rituals. Florist report a flurry of activity. Locally, there is a huge rush for chocolate covered strawberries. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where it’s a huge cottage industry, with just about everyone jumping into the fracas. I expect to see some of the delicacies down at the bait shop, “Bubba’s Live Bait and Chocolate Covered Strawberries.” It’s a frightening concept. Look on the bright side, this is one of those business opportunities that I’ll be passing up. There will be no “Fishing Guide to the Stars [special brand of] Chocolate Covered Strawberries.” However, over in Scorpio land, there might be. Or, better yet, there is a way to handle two objectives at once: work and play. And, even if you’re not local to where I’m at, consider the idea of opening up your own franchise for this type of delicacy. Such a business proposition would satisfy the thing in your chart for earning income, and the secondary benefit would be you would have plenty of chocolate goodies to give away. And as your astrological business consultant, I’m not asking for a big cut, either.

Sagittarius: The paucity of suitable [or unsuitable, for that matter] dates in my life is historical record. And I’m less inclined to go with the old rub, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” My less than politic rhetorical comment for that comment is not suitable for printing. And here, on the eve of St. Valentine’s Day, there is, once again, certain hole in the date department for Sagittarius. Now look: it’s not all that bad. You’re charming, witty, intelligent, reasonably good looking, and at least one person finds you devastatingly attractive. But the course of true love never did run smooth, and it’s not getting any better right nw. The deal is that you’re worked up over one person whereas there is another person in a similar state, all worked up over you. It’s like hooking a catfish on lure which was specifically designated as a Bass lure. You know, in true Sagittarius fashion, it really doesn’t matter what bait you use, you should never, ever be upset with a catch. So it wasn’t what you were fishing for, maybe it’s not so bad. Besides, with the right condiments, catfish is a delicious treat.

Capricorn: You don’t always like my advice, but being the good Capricorn that you are, at least you give me a chance. Again and again, you give me a chance. I’m grateful for that. You’ll be grateful, too, especially if I could just write something you really wanted to hear. I have to interpret the stars the way I see them, though. Just about every Capricorn I know has a taste for quality. If I were more flush with cash, I would choose a Capricorn as my favorite shopping partner, just because of this taste for quality. I can’t afford you guys right now, sorry. But question right now, as we go into a romantic holiday time, the point of what I’m seeing in your chart is that your eye for quality, and the rest of us, our eye quantity, all of this gets confused. Eschew the usual wisdom that just one will do. Why settle for one, when three of four are almost as good? The problem with the term, “almost as good,” is that the three of four might not be up to your usual standards. But if you pick and choose careful, amongst the three or four contenders, there’s a great one in there. It’s just that some assembly is required. You’re up to it.

Aquarius: Traveling, as I do, in the vast reaches of Texas, I’ve seen a number of weather anomalies that might shock some folks. One of the more common sights is a “dust devil,” which is small column of mostly organic debris in the shape of a funnel cloud. It’s not a twister, it’s not a tornado, it’s just little whirlwind of localized meteorological activity. But that dust devil is the perfect way to describe what’s going on with you. It’s like this: clear day, West Texas, the Panhandle, the Prairies in Central Texas, you get the image, nice day, blustery winds, and there’s a spout, a column of dirt whirling in one direction. I’ve been in the cab of a truck and passed through these things. It’s no big deal, just kind of fun. All the trash in the back of the truck gets twirled around, but there’s no damage. And the truck shifts on its suspension a little, maybe my ears pop, but that’s about it. It’s no big deal. You’re a whirlwind of activity, too. Dangerous? Hardly. But you do have a lot things going on, and you just keep turning around and around to get something done, and it looks like you’re chasing your own tail. It’s not a bad thing, just a lot of activity. I like to pause and watch, but that’s my own, innate sense of curiosity.

Pisces: Last week, I offered up Venus as my token gesture of reconciliation between me and Pisces. I’m even more serious now. This period of time starts out with Venus in your sign, and that makes you feel nicer, more loving, and, in fact, I can spot a Pisces across a crowded dance floor. The problem with my ability to spot a Pisces right now, the hassle here, it’s just that everyone can spot you guys. We want to be nice to you. We want to love you. We all want to love you. To some, nothing is better than being the center of attention, but to others, this center of attention thing gets a little dull. “I love everybody, and you’re next,” is not a familiar Pisces refrain. Happy Valentine’s Day, have a good week, and keep pleasure foremost in your mind. As long as you’ve got Venus with you, might as well make the most of her influence and indulge it. Or, better yet, indulge yourself. And enjoy the attention. You look wonderful.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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