“I do not ask you much —
I beg cold comfort.”
Shakespeare’s King John [V.vii.41]
Cancer: Good stuff. Two, simple words. Now, I know that there’s this one Cancer, and she’s going to send me an e-mail, complaining about these two words, and she’s going to doubt that I’m right about this, but for everyone else, those two words apply right now. Simple put, there’s a lot more good stuff going on in your little Cancer section than there is anything that might be construed as bad. Naturally, there’s always that one — but other than her, it’s basically a good time all the way around. What’s even better, is that it just gets better and better. Hot Mr. Mars moves out of your sign, next week, and that means it’s time to cool your heels — at home. So sit back and enjoy the good stuff. I’ve been promising it, so here it is.
Leo: Starting next week, like, at the start of the week, wherever that falls for you, Mars comes careening into your sign. I always liked a certain TV program because the plot devices were very simple, and I enjoyed the incongruity of hearing tires squeal on dirt roads. I’ve often wondered what the television programming guys were thinking with that particular set of sound effects, the simulated squeal of rubber on asphalt when the vehicle in question [The General Lee] was clearly throwing dirt, and it wasn’t anywhere near pavement. How do they do that? Car wheels on gravel crunch, no squealing. At least, in my life, in the real world, the trucks I’ve driven [and ridden in] make a crunching noise. Okay, you can get worried about this, and write hateful mail to the producers, or you can go with the flow a little. There’s a sense that this incongruity adds something to the value of your life. For me, there’s the entertainment value. I associate tires squealing with the action on the screen unfolding. So as Mars heats up the Leo portion of the sky, figure that you might want to add some sound effects to make it all work right. Tires squealing [even on a gravel road] would be appropriate. Have to go for that Leo sense of drama.
Virgo: One of the best guys I know to fish with, one of the most patient, understanding souls I know is a Virgo. Besides that, he’s got a really cool boat. Not that I would have nautical envy or anything, but there you have it. He’s the ultimate in crafty fishermen, too. I watched one morning as I tried lure after lure, all to no avail, but he kept sticking to his tried and true “Pig’n’Jig.” Now, I was doing okay, but none of the fish I caught were very big. I got a lot, but nothing with any kind of size that mattered. One of the fish I caught looked more like bait that a catch. He just kept tossing his lure out, letting it sink some, then playing it along the middle of the lake. He caught one. It was big. It was a monster. It was this big [imagine my arms right now]. Quality or quantity? Which one is more important? I had a whole bunch of little fish in the live well, he only had the one, but it was easily twice the size of anything I caught. Virgo: what’s better for you this week? I’d suggest you stick to that one lure, and I’d suggest you wait until you get the big one. Sometimes, one big fish is better than a whole bunch of little fish. “It’s called ‘pig-n-jig,’ ask for it by name.”
Libra: I had a friend in from the furthest reaches of West Texas, visiting for a little while, and she just wilted under the local heat. It’s not like she wasn’t used to the heat, but around here, there’s a lot more moisture in the air. We call it humidity. Good for the skin. And for that poor desert flower, as soon as she stepped out the air-conditioned motel room, she wilted. The moisture in the air seemed to zap all her strength, all of her will. You’re just like her, stepping out from a comfortable, dry, cool, air-conditioned motel room, into the simmering central Texas afternoon swamp. Suddenly, your will to move about, your desire to get things done, places to see, people to meet, suddenly, you get this wilted sense. It’s like hitting that wall of wet air. I tend to believe that the skin cools to a point that it’s not really sweat so much as condensation. It’s a faint, shimmering layer of moisture, covers the whole body. Now, Texas weather is a fickle thing, and just when you feel like there’s no hope, and the best thing to do is to hide in the AC all weekend, there’s a break. Maybe you should hide out all weekend, but next week, there’s a freak set of clouds that actually make the [astrological] weather more manageable.
Scorpio: Scorpio’s are a funny lot. I’m much amused by some of their antics. Times like this, and with the way the planets are moving right now, though there’s a cautionary tale I get from my own, dear, sweet, ever-suffering mother, Ma Wetzel. If I hadn’t seen this not long ago, I wouldn’t be thinking about this as the perfect example of what can happen. See: she puts little post-it notes on various leftover food dishes. Then, at other times, she pops these potential piquant and aromatic meals in the oven to warm them all up, nice and toasty-like. The problem, as I see it, is toasted post-it notes. So far, the only thing that’s happened is that the edges of the paper brown nicely, like the meal therein, and the stuff gets a little extra seasoning from the post-it adhesive. So far, nothing’s burst into flames and required a visit from the fire department. But as I suggested, the very best of Scorpio plans can sometimes go awry. Before you pop something into your own, Scorpio oven, you might just want to take a second look, and make sure that you’ve removed the little note you put on top. Now what was it we’re all having for dinner this week?
Sagittarius: First we have to do a little memory test. This isn’t like one of those diagnostic software programs that checks your computer’s chips. It’s more like a quick look at your own, long-term Sagittarius memories. Many years ago, breakfast cereal came with prizes. In particular, there was the “secret decoder ring,” which was nothing more than a couple of circles of plastic, and you turned them around until something lined up some other marking, and it would give you the key to secret message. Some of the rings could even generate a complete code — but you needed two rings, one to send the message and one to decode it. One fine Sagittarius fellow I know gave his wife a decoder ring as an anniversary present. Some of us found this comical, others thought it was a tad on the bizarre side. Never can tell what those wacky Archer types will come up with next. But the secret decoder ring anniversary present had double meaning. In part, it signified that the Sagittarius needed a little help understanding what the messages were. The way things are going in Sagittarius right now, a little help would be useful. Might try looking for that secret decoder ring to understand what folks are saying.
Capricorn: I usually believe that it’s a good idea to a take a long trip during the hot summer months in Texas. Especially right about now. It’s great time to hop into a truck, hop on plane or train, and get out of town. There are portions of Texas where the heat’s not so bad, like in the mountains, or the high desert, or — even though it’s still hot — the coast. That cool ocean breeze, blowing in from across the Gulf’s waters, it just does a body good, you know? So figure this is a good time for some kind of escape. If I had a little more integrity right now, I would urge you to conserve your financial resources. But this idea that you should try and be pecuniary in times like this is almost wasted. Conventional wisdom is not always the best for dear Capricorn’s. So instead me extolling the virtues of hard work, saving your pennies and whatnot, how about a vacation, someplace where the heat isn’t so bad? A little break, even if you feel like you can’t really afford it, a little break is a worthwhile endeavor.
Aquarius: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but when I was out at the lake for the 4th of July, I saw it again — it’s a beer keg that’s been cut in two, and turned into a BBQ Grill. Pretty amusing device. Useful, too. Throw a big slab of meat on that sucker, get the special flavor of a beer marinade, slow smoked and cooked right in, I suppose. I don’t know, them folks never invited me over for a bite. See, there’re just a few things in your life that you can get to do double duty. You could look at this like it was a recycling project. Or a chance to get twice the use out of a single use device. Either way, you’re doubling up on your actions, and getting twice the pleasure from a single Aquarius project. Or, at least, you’re getting twice as much work out something that was intended for just one task.
Pisces: Been kind of warm lately, around here. That’s important because it doesn’t much matter where you’re located, your Pisces world is heating up. There’s are any number of ways to interpret this, but from what I’ve seen, the term “fish fry” is fraught with deep meaning. Maybe even deep-fried. Where I live, “deep-fried” is a special art form all unto itself — more ways than one. It could refer to food, or it could refer to what happens on lazy Friday afternoons (like this one coming up) wherein we all sit around in the shade, usually in front of a neighbor’s trailer, and sip cool beverages while the light gradually leaks out of the sky and stars go twirling overhead. Putting yourself in this frame of mind, and setting yourself up so you don’t have to wander too far in order to find entertainment is a good idea. Then there’s that sense that some sort of connection with other people is important, as well. That happens, too. Try looking no further than your own front doorstep for a little entertainment. Makes it a lot easier to get back home at the end of the night.
Aries: After so much unsuccessful romance, I decided to quite writing about it. I decided it wasn’t worth the effort, or, for that matter, the expenditure it takes to make real romance work. Then, to compound this situation, there’s always that problem I have understanding my date. It would seem, now this is my perception, but it would seem that the word “yes” apparently has several quantitative definitions. These meanings seem to run the complete range from a positive affirmative answer to a highly negative one, and there can be several steps in between, as well. I’m not complaining, just observing. What this means for you, though, is that you’re going to get that positive answer, but it’s going to be highly subjective. That means it might be a yes, but it might mean “no,” even though you and I both heard a “yes.” Got that? Now, before you get too confused, consider this: starting at the very first of next week, those confusing answers will clear up. That affirmative answer will start meaning yes, and it will mean yes in a big way — all that much better for. You might be a little confused at first, but later, it all makes good sense. Better yet, you get what you want.
Taurus: Bubba got a job as a network engineer a while back. Funniest thing about this? He knew nothing about computers at the time, but he was willing to learn, and it turned out to be a really good job. I stopped by to see him a little while ago, middle of the summer visit. I walked into his office, piled high with cables, dead computers, rack-mounted hardware and modems, and without turning around, he said, “The Phish Bootlegs are in aisle 3, at the very end, under ‘imports’.” He then turned around to face me, “Sorry, I thought I was still working at the record store. You smelled like you were looking for whatever it was I said.” Years earlier, he did a long stint at a record store, and certain aromas meant certain people were looking for certain records. Must’ve been my patchouli. Now, without turning around, your Taurus sense of smell picks up some pretty strong clues. The deal is, some of this might not be what it appears. You can make a joke out of it, or it can be serious. Personally, I thought it was pretty funny. He’s a funny guy, that Bubba. It might not be the best time to trust your better than average Taurus senses.
Gemini: Bubba had to take defensive driving again. During the course, one of the questions is, “What do you do if your brakes don’t work?” Now, there’s the correct answer then there’s Bubba’s answer, “I just turn on the AC.” This didn’t earn him immediate recognition, but anyone who’s owned an older brand of truck in the Texas summertime knows that this is, in fact, the correct answer. Turn on that AC, and the vehicle begins to slow itself down. Drastically. You’ve got this weekend coming up, just around the corner, and it feels like you’re in Bubba’s truck, and even though the brakes don’t work too well, someone has reached over and turned on the AC. Everything slows down. Two things come to mind. One, you’re going to be atmospherically more comfortable. Two, you’re going to need a gas station soon. Get the picture? Comfort or speed, but it doesn’t look like you’ll get both this weekend — or even next week. But by the time the weekend is over, you will be a lot more comfortable — it takes Bubba’s truck that far just to get cool.
