For the Week of 8/29-9/4/2002

“Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man’s son doth know.”

    Shakespeare’s 12th Night, Act 2, scene 3

Aries: Plain fact: you’ve never looked better. I can say that because I’m an astrologer, and as such, I know what the heavens hold for you. The problem with my simple statement of fact is that it doesn’t line up with what you’re feeling. But there are lots of us who are finding you more and more alluring. This might be due to the influence of Venus, or Mercury, but it does show up. The problem is that you don’t feel like you’re pretty [or ruggedly handsome, or winsome, or whatever adjectives you like]. You feel like you’re either too fat or too thin, or too something. The rest of us, we don’t see this problem that you’re claiming. I can’t get your stars aligned with our stars, but I can suggest that you listen to what we’re saying. Slow down with the chatter right now. You don’t need to be talking so much. If you’ll listen to us, rather than just carrying on, you’ll feel much better. We’ll tell you how pretty [handsome, winsome, lovely, darling, appealing] you are. If you listen to yourself, you’re just asking for trouble,

Taurus: There’s one performer I’ve seen a number of times, down through the years. I’m fond of the music. I like the fact that this one guy gets out on the road, just about every year, and most of his tours include a swing through portions of Texas. I’ve even seen the shows elsewhere, still all good fun. There’s just one problem, invariably, for the last two decades, no matter where I’ve caught the show, there’s been this one drunken fool. He [it was a she, actually, last time] wanders up, stands next to me, and hollers at the top of his lungs. In his inebriated state, I have to wonder how much of this he’s going to remember the next day. Or if the morning after means he wakes up in a jail cell, which is not such a farfetched concept. I love the music, and I love the varieties of people in the crowds. AS much as I dislike having that drunken fool stand next to me for a little while, it’s all part of the show. I’ve gotten used to it. As this weekend arrives in fine fashion, you’re faced with a choice: you can be a tolerant individual like me, and enjoy that drunken fool standing next to you, or you can be the drunken jerk, finding me, standing next to me, and doing your best to irritate me. I’m tolerant, I understand, and secretly admire the intoxicated state. But I’m not like most people. Which one are you going to be this weekend?

Gemini: I understand that you’re not exactly conventional in everything that you do. Work with me here: a little better understanding of the rules makes it easier for you to break those rules. But you could make a serious attempt to follow the guidelines as they are set out for your Gemini self. Those guiltiness, those little white lines on the highway of life are there for a reason, you know. Coming from an eclectic and eccentric individual like me, advice that suggests you try to follow the rules might seem a bit odd. But like I’ve suggested before: work with me on this one. If you’re willing to follow some of the prescribed rules, stay within the lines, then you’ll find that you trip gets a lot easier. [Sure, structure and following the rules has a lot to do with Saturn, still in Gemini.] We’re back to that highway idea again: stay within the lines until you get to the part that says, “You turn off the pavement at….” That’s when you’re free to roam and make up your own Gemini rules.

Cancer: They’re out there. Yes, my fine little Cancer friend, there are some easy answers right now. Problem being, none of these answers will seem obvious. When you get on the far side of these problems, little problems — not big ones — you’ll want to slap yourself in the forehead and exclaim, “Why didn’t I see that!” We can work together on this, as well — I’m offering you some free insight right here. Before you jump on the first opportunity that presents itself, before you take the first option, it would behoove you to look around a little. Be somewhat circumspect. A little research, a little fact finding, a little extra time spent trying to ascertain you’re really getting the best deal possible is important. One shop I worked at a for a little while had this great deal: Complete tune-up, $99 [plus parts and labor]. That sort of advertising just begs a question, “What DO I get for the $99?” The tune-up? Right. See how this works? There’s something in the fine print at the bottom of the page, some little clause you should watch out for. It’s printed in red ink, so you should see it. It’s usually that stuff that’s so hard to read. This one is hidden in plain sight, though. Maybe that’s the problem.

Leo: There are a couple of blindingly obvious mistakes that people make when Jupiter is in their sign. Yielding to temptation is one of them. “I’ve got money coming in, soon, that’s what the horoscope said,” is the common theme, “so I can go ahead run this credit card up to its limit, right?” As much as I would like to suggest you need to spend more money on buying astrology chart reports from me, or even getting a real reading, and as much as this pains me, I’d suggest we put this off for a little while. Now isn’t a such a good time to spending money. Use Jupiter’s good influence to find lost money, use Jupiter to get a better a job [or just to get a job], use Jupiter’s positive and beneficial influence to get someplace. So don’t give in to that temptation just yet. Hold tight to your wallet. Be careful and take it easy. You can certainly start making money right now, but make a serious effort not to spend any of the promised cash just yet. Now dreaming about it? Sure, that’s allowed.

Virgo: I once watched, in abject horror, as a temporarily wealthy individual handed the keys to his terribly expensive sports car to a delightful, however young and uneducated, lady. That car had a price tag approximately three times the price of this trailer where I live. Recipe for disaster? Probably. I turned my head, and casually didn’t observe that she couldn’t even drive a standard transmission, much less one with as much horsepower as that one model claimed. She rejoined us about half an hour later, her hair slightly disheveled, and gleaming. “Cool!” I was just a little surprised she didn’t leave a transmission out in the parking lot, or out on the streets someplace. It’s birthday time in Virgo. Mars is in your sign as well. Which one are you? The girl taking the car for a quick trip around the block? If you break it, you buy it. Or are you my newly minted millionaire friend? Nothing screams success more than being willing to throw away a fine automobile in order to impress someone you barely know. Now, in that one scene, everything turned out okay. Both parties were happy, and it was just my sober Virgo mind set that was worried. Which one, out of those three, are you going to be now? As I get older, I try to err on the side of caution, but maybe that’s just me. A little rapacious behavior is good for the Virgo’s soul, especially at birthday times.

Libra: Consider certain options. Take a little more time to prepare for what might be coming up, and maybe, allow for all the contingencies. Normally, you’re really good at this, but there are times when you tend to jump a little too fast, react rather than act. One of my fishing buddies usually takes an evening or two to get everything together for a fishing trip. He’ll gather up his gear, then sit a spell in the garage and oil his fishing reels. He’ll run the hooks through a hook sharpener, for the lures he’s planning to use this coming weekend. It’s a matter of small, seemingly insignificant preparations that are so important. It’s never possible to anticipate every situation, but take an evening, take a few hours, set aside a little time to prepare. This isn’t like it’s a really big deal. The ritual, the tasks, the chores associated with this type of energy vary from individual to individual, but the energy is the same. Take a few extra minutes, maybe a few extra hours, to get everything ready. You’re in a situation where a little advance planning does you a world of good. Get ready for what’s coming, you want it to be the best.

Scorpio: If everything happened like it was supposed to, according to my Scorpio sources, then this would all be nice and even. Unfortunately, there’s a planet or two, and these particular planets are determined to add some mirth to everyday events. In other words, it’s not going to happen at an even pace. It does happen, that’s good news. It’s doesn’t occur like it’s supposed to, not according to the Scorpio timetable as set forth in the secret Scorpio documents. Your schedule is going to be disrupted. Sorry about that. You’re going to get upset because a certain person is not responding to your patient prodding. Or, worse yet, that person [or given situation] is not doing what you want, when you want. Don’t get upset with me, I’m just looking at your chart. Now, I wouldn’t tear you down like this if I didn’t see something rather good coming out of this mess: you get what you want. It’s even better than you thought. It’s going to work out quite right, in the grand scheme of things. The problem is that your schedule, your agenda, the way you planned it all to work, your plans don’t work right. Be a more adaptable. Be willing to see the results, not the methods used to achieve your results. The goal is to get there, the route is less important.

Sagittarius: I have a theory about fishing lures. Actually, I have many theories about fishing lures, but this one is about the late summer fishing. A smaller, lightweight topwater lure, using it early in the morning, before the sun gets too high overhead, that’s the idea. It’s a narrow window when this sort of thing is supposed to work. Hasn’t worked yet, not with any great success. When I scratched it out on paper, this idea seemed to make good sense. Using a smaller, lighter way of attracting fishes, yes, the idea looks good on paper. I’m still testing its real world applicability, though. So, if you’re actually fishing, give it a try, one of those “mini” lure things is supposed to be hot right now. If you’re not actually fishing, then try something a little different, a little out of the ordinary. I know you’ve got some interesting theories, and this is a great week to test some of these theories out. I’m not sure about a success rate, but a little field testing never hurts. One of your weird ideas is really quite good, and it should pay off well.

Capricorn: Travel is supposedly a big deal — looks like a good idea. Problem being, most of my fun Capricorn friends have jobs wherein they actually have to be at work in order to earn that income. There is one exception, one Bubba I hear from time to time, and he claims he can do remote presentations while still wearing his underwear, but once again, he has to be a certain place [home — with a T-1 connection] in order to justify his existence and paycheck. So there are two, rather diametrically opposed energies at work. Travel to far-flung locations, and making a buck. Which one is more important to you? Before you drop me a note to suggest that I’m crazy, stop and listen to your inner voice. Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms. inner voice is good. That voice will tell you to work. I’ll tell you to travel. Best idea yet is to do both. TRavel and work. If you keep that trip short, even if you spend a lot of time getting there and back, the destination will seem ever so much sweeter, and you can accomplish both goals, travel and a paycheck. See how nice this works out? I knew I was forgetting something, sleep on the plane. That way you’ll be in good shape for work.

Aquarius: Traveling around the American Southwest usually involves travel on Southwest Airlines. On more than one occasion, I’ve referred to this as the “Greyhound of the Heavens,” and I full-well expect to be boarding one time, and find the gate personnel trying to explain that two pigs and goat exceed the carry-on limit. One of the animals will have to be checked. Hasn’t really happened yet, but it could. Now, while I was sitting in Phoenix’s Sky Harbor Airport [just about every Left Coast flight and Las Vegas flight goes through there], I noticed something I’m not used to seeing. it was a cop. No, that’s not so weird. But it was a Bicycle Cop, regular Phoenix PD, riding his bicycle around. I’m used to bicycle cops in Austin. I’m used to cops in airports. I never thought I’d see a bicycle cop, riding through an airport. I did a double take, gawked for a little while, then jotted down the note. Now think about it: it only makes sense. As much space as there is in an airport that size? Bicycle makes good sense. You can be either one, right now, and particularly this coming weekend: you can be doing something that makes good sense but elicits stares from other people, or you can sit there and gape with your jaw hanging open, like me, with a dumbfounded look. Either way, it’s going to happen in the next few days. Surprise.

Pisces: I used to love to ride motorcycles. Not dirt bikes, but big, mean, nasty looking street racers. Much fun. The roar of the engine, the way handlebars tug at the arms under heavy acceleration, leaning far over into corner, it was all good fun. Problem being, looking at my Natal Astrology Chart, I have Mars in place that suggests I might be prone to falling on my head. It’s as if my head were a magnet for hard objects — like pavement. I appreciate looking at two-wheeled devices. I appreciate the art. I love to watch them racing on TV. I don’t belong on the back of one, as I enjoy a tendency to fall over and bonk my head. Politically, I’m very opposed to Helmet Laws, and I’m also a staunch supporter of wearing a helmet, having bonked my head a number of times. Mars moves into Virgo soon. You’re going to either need a helmet, or you’re going to want to stay off motorcycles. You’re going to be like me, a magnet for hard objects. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you will fall over, but when you start butting heads with something — or somebody — maybe you should use your head for something besides a magnet. It is possible to think through a situation, rather than let Mars shove your own head around.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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