For the Week of 10/10-16/2002

“All things that are
Are with more spirit chased than enjoy’d.”
Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice [Act II, scene vi]

Venus goes retrograde this week — in Scorpio.

Aries: I’ve been meaning to add this one to my disclaimers, “If it beeps, bleeps, burps, buzzes, chimes, chirps, thumps its tail, vibrates, whistles, or even if it plays ‘The Eyes of Texas,’ please turn it off now.” Nothing is worse than sitting halfway through a scary movie, and having somebody about two rows behind you, do something seriously irritating. I was in a crowded restaurant with an Aries friend of good humor, and when my pager went off [it was set to “kill” instead of “stun”], my companion looks at me, and says, “Don’t you just hate those emergency calls in the middle of dinner? Here comes the waitress, I’ll ask if you can use the house phone to call the hospital….” You can be either one, but looking at the planets, I’d suggest you are the Aries of good humor. Something, somebody, somehow, is going to upset your orderly flow. A typical, unrestrained Aries comment would be to jump back to that person two rows behind you, grab the offending pager, and put it someplace where sunlight does not naturally occur. Not a good idea, not given that Venus is back spinning, and Mars is moving to oppose you. Tell the offending pager owner that they’d better call the hospital right away — and leave it at that. It means the question about why to call the hospital is left open [and that’s the point.]

Taurus: Venus backwards in the sign on the opposite side of the astrology chart from you? What are you going to do? Having been there before, let me lend a few suggestion… don’t panic. Don’t freak out. One of my fishing buddies was seeking romantic advice from me. He kept trying to date females about half his age, and he usually wound up with a broken heart and limp wallet. “Man, older women are where it’s at, trust me,” I would tell him, time and again. “Half my age plus what? Two, maybe three years?” he asked. The sad part is he was serious. Do the math — it spells out trouble. Or some freaky, psychological disorder I know nothing about. Or a mid-life crisis [or mid-wife crisis, as it was in buddy’s case — he was in between wives at the time.] The reasons the older women are so much more desirable is that they don’t freak out at little things. “I’m going fishing on Saturday, what are you going to say about that?” The young females want to go and complain the whole time. The more mature ones just say, “Have a good time, and clean the fish before you bring them in the trailer.” With this Venus thing pushing and pulling on you, when you’re face to face with a set of parameters that don’t work, then change your parameters. If “half your age plus two” doesn’t seem to be working, then try someone your own age. You’ll be surprised. And don’t freak out over little details. Venus is going to have a trick or two to play on you, just remember these are antics, not major catastrophes.

Gemini: A couple of weeks ago, I was fishing [like that’s any surprise?] It wasn’t a good day, but then, any day spent fishing instead of working is better than most. On that trip, I hooked one big old bass [had to be five pounds], and I was reeling him in. From the way the pole was bent, my buddy was impressed. The closer I got the fish to the boat, reeling and working that thang, the more concern my partner had. He quickly grabbed a net, “Careful, careful,” he admonished, “it’s barely hooked and it might get away….” Yes, the fish escaped. When it escaped, his size, weight, and the amount of fight suddenly became much greater. Saturn goes backwards in your sign. You get the fish close to the boat, but it’s hooked in a way that if you don’t keep the tension on the line, if that fishing pole is not bent over, you’re not going to actually get the fish into the boat. I tend to believe that the only reason to keep the bass around is for a quick photo, and then let it free. But if you don’t get to take the picture, then it doesn’t count as a catch. With Saturn going backwards, you’ve got to make sure that you don’t let it get away.

Cancer: No sooner does one planet finally do something nice than another planet decides to make you miserable. Miserable is a strong term. I seriously doubt that you’ll be miserable, but you are going to run into some troubles with your romantic life. I once alluded to a certain girlfriend in a horoscope, and that got all the other women in my life jealous. “Who’s that girlfriend of yours in MY horoscope? What’s SHE doing in my horoscope?” My term “girlfriend” was an obvious reference to my cat. She’s the only real girlfriend I’ve got. She’s outlasted several wives, numerous affairs, engagements, and she’s been hanging in with me for many years. Besides that, on cold October nights, she keeps my feet warm [when I’m not battling her for control of the pillows]. But enough about the desert wasteland of my dating experiences, what’s this got to do with you? A lot. Venus goes backwards before too long, in Scorpio, right in the middle of Scorpio to be exact. And Miss Venus is not making pretty. You’ll allude to your girlfriend [or boyfriend, or whatever] and the real significant other will have a conniption fit. It was all intended, on your Cancer part, as a little bit of fun. It gets taken, however, as a serious threat. The only good damage control I can suggest is not to make that comment in the first place. However, in experience, you’re going to be just like me, and you’d be inclined to say that one thing, and then regret it later. Think damage control, and then think before you start talking.

Leo: El Paso is one of my favorite towns in Texas. I’ll be there this weekend. There are a number of reasons I like it, food’s good, the Hispanic culture is overwhelming, the ambiance of a border town can’t be beat, and there’s a major military installation there. These are all good things, if you ask me. Then, there are secrets, too. Little secrets like the El Paso Truck Terminal. I usually fly to El Paso as I’m not much in the mood to make a 12-hour drive just for a weekend of work. But the hotel we worked at, right by the airport’s hangars, that hotel was just down the street from the one Truck Stop with the best food. I’m sure some folks would disagree with me about the quality or seasoning in the food itself. But tastes are a personal question, and I’ve found the food to be delightful — and plentiful. Jupiter, the lucky star, is in Leo. Mercury ain’t backwards no more. Look at two areas of your life that have nothing in common. Jet-set lifestyles and truck stops come to mind. What makes this even better is that the two areas are not really so very far apart. But seriously, like that truck stop, which was just down the street from the airport hotel, you’ve got a little bit of low-brow stuff you can combine with high-brow stuff and you’ll come away very satisfied. You can thank Jupiter and my constant craving for better food for this suggestion.

Virgo: I found what I thought was a funny card, it said, “I have PMS, I can now legally kill you.” I bought the card, and it sat on my desk for a little while. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I could never, ever send that card. I know it’s funny — I love the caption and its message. But think about the dear, sweet [hormones slightly askew] Virgo on the receiving end of the card, how will that cute and apparently innocuous message be received? It wouldn’t be taken in the lighthearted manner it was intended. It’s obviously a symbol of the patriarchal nature of modern life, fraught with overtones of how the female gender is being suppressed, and the humor is just not funny. The next event would be an irate person at my trailer’s front door, perhaps with a serious weapon in hand. After much consideration, I just tossed it. I will be allowed to live another day. Use some of our good, Virgo sense, you have something you want to send, maybe a card like the one I found, maybe some other form of communication, and this might not be well-received on the recipient’s end. Might not be nearly as funny, and that lighthearted attempt at humor could very well [hopefully not literally] blow up in your face. Mars will move out of Virgo soon enough. Until then, might I suggest that you keep the overly witty comments to yourself?

Libra: There are several Libra birthdays fast approaching. This is important. Along with your birthday, you get an extra tickle from both Mars and Mercury, Mercury moves faster, and he’s more apt to come along and give you a quick jolt of energy. Then, after the weekend, Mars starts his pass at you. Patience is not one of your strong suites, as the tired, overwrought expression goes. Patience is also the most important asset you can employ. A little bit of restraint, some patience, a “wait and see” attitude is will win you a lot more than pressing for immediate result. There’s a growing sense that something good is about to unfold. If you let it, it’s great. But your Libra life is like a timed photographic series — ever watch one of those stop-action films of a plant growing? They take a picture every three minutes, then string the images together so it looks like it happens right away. You’re living in a stop-action film series. You want immediate relief, you want something to happen “right now,” and it is happening, but it’s happening at a pace that is akin to molasses on a cool day. Wait. The good news is that something’s happening. The problem is that it’s not happening fast enough. It actually is happening fast enough, you just can’t detect it unless you slow yourself down. Try a little Libra Stop Action control for the best way to see what’s happening.

Scorpio: I’ve got this one friend, a police officer in an unnamed town in Texas, and she’s a Scorpio. Back when she was working patrol, she pulled over speeding red sports car, started to approach the driver, and my friendly Scorpio watched with amusement as the driver quickly unlaced the top of her blouse, pushed her breasts up, and made sure that more than ample cleavage was displayed. Scorpio cop’s answer? “That’s nice, I have a set, too, now can I see your license and registration, please?” Which one are you going to be? The cop or driver? Nothing is worse than primping in an emergency situation, planning on using your Scorpio charm [and some exposed Scorpio flesh] to get exactly what it that you want. However, this sort of thing can backfire pretty good when you don’t realize that your target audience has changed. You can either be the bemused patrol officer, or you can the pretty young person in the fast sports car. Which will it be?

Sagittarius: Some weeks, I’m not sure if I should fish or hole up at the trailer. I’m faced with that Sagittarius question as we both look at our weekend coming up. Fishing is a good idea, the cold mornings, the faintest mist from the lake, and then there’s the idea that being in bed, with the covers pulled up around my neck, the cat snuggled up against my legs, keeping my feet warm. Both are rather appealing. Deal is, those fish need to be caught. You and me both, we have things we should be doing. Important actions and activities that just demand our attention — fish begging to be caught, girls to flirt with, the truck needs its oil changed. All of these are important things. You’re going to find that your decisions are based on motivation — what motivates you the most? Then, if you stack stuff up right, you’ll find that you can work in a lot of the necessary tasks at hand and still have some time left over for the fun stuff. The way I’m going to do it, and I suggest that you give this a try in the next few days, I know if I’m rested, I’m lot more amenable to changing that truck’s oil. Once I change the oil, then I can go to the lake and fish. If I’ve been fishing, then it’s time to find that pretty girl I was supposed to flirt with. Now, to get all this rolling, I have to make sure I’m rested, so an extra hour in bed, on a cold October morning is entirely justified. That’s how everything gets done.

Capricorn: My fine Capricorn friends are none too satisfied with me at this point. [And it’s not even me!] It’s not anything I said or did, it’s just that I seem to be getting on their collective Capricorn nerves. This same irritation that pops in from a heavenly direction, and this going to make this last Mercury Retrograde time seem to stretch on and on. It’s not like this is going to be any really big deals. This is more like this is going to be small deals, little things that happen wherein you manage to get everything all fouled up, due to some circumstance way beyond your control. I’ve got a couple of tasteful example, and hopefully there will be a roomful of laughter… because that laughter is the only way to deal with this stuff. In one situation, a last week? A Capricorn took a date to a movie. The date excused herself a few minutes before the end of the film to “go to the bathroom,” and never returned. Talk about getting ditched! Another Capricorn friend was supposed to pick me up at the airport and completely forgot. Now, to make this situation worse, the airport pick up, my wonderful “Rodeo Voice Mail” decided that it could quite working at this time, so I didn’t get that effusive Capricorn apology until the next day. In the grand scheme of things, neither of these examples are life-threatening, dangerous, or anything more than mildly inconvenient. Maybe perplexing, but not really a big deal. However, let’s say you keep running into minor situations that all play out like this, and then you’re going to get upset. And we can’t blame Mercury being backwards anymore, either. [Actually we can, it’s just the clean up period, and you’re feeling the full effect of this. Laugh. You’re not the one stranded at the aiprort.]

Aquarius: I was working on your Aquarius chart, and seeing as how Halloween is just coming up, I was also making scary Halloween noises. The cat was not impressed. My attempts at “sound effects,” the chilling laugh, the noise a goblin makes, the fact that I have no shame about making such noises when I’m in the confines of my own trailer, none of this impressed the cat. You and me, we both have an audience like this — there’s someone you’re trying to communicate with, and they just don’t get it. I have an advantage with my temperamental audience, the cat. I can always get her attention with food. Then I can make my noises to see if they scare her. She usually just complains until I put more food out, though. However, that food is a good bait to get her attention, at least at first. Put this to work in your own life, what with the indications from your chart. You want to communicate something with a certain audience. You have a message you want to get across. Instead of just mouthing the words, instead of just making the noises, package that message up with some extra goodies to make it all that much more palatable. I’m not sure than some sort cat treat is really going to work on that boyfriend or girlfriend you’re trying to communicate with, but something similar will work. Another trick I’ve found to be very effective is a herbal remedy — catnip. Do what you have to, but remember, it’s all how you present the information, what enticements you offer with your message.

Pisces: When I was much younger, growing up in a little town in East Texas, Halloween was alternately scary and fun. By a certain age, the fall translated into a time when I would be eating a lot of candy, towards the end of the month. It gets worse, these days, as the marketing departments starts on their promotions sometime in July. As I’ve grown older [not matured, mind you, still childish as ever], I’ve gotten to a point where I confuse Halloween and Valentine’s Day. Mars and Mercury are going to join the Sun in Libra in the next week or so. It’s a partnership-oriented sign. The moon is heading towards full, and you’re feeling all right. If you’re not feeling all right, then you should be feeling all right, and I guess that settles that question. Two things to watch out for. One, all that marketing of Halloween going on? Make sure you stay away from sampling the candy in the tray — as tempting as it might be, now’s not the time to be dipping into the Halloween stash. The other aspect to watch out for is along the lines of my confusion between holidays — one is about romance, and the other is about something not appearing as it really is. Which holiday is this month attached to? Better figure that out. And try to limit the candy for the next few days.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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