For the Week of 12/12-18/2002

“Virtue is bold, and goodness never fearful.”
Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure [III.i.211]

Aries: I wandered out of my trailer one balmy winter day last week, to grab the junk out of the post office box. I was wearing some silk boxer shorts, and not much else. Winter weather in Texas is like that — I can get away with being partially clad most of the time. Now, later in that same day, the wind picked up, came whistling in over the tree tops, swirling the brown leaves just like a leaf blower, and the temperature dropped a good 20 degrees. So much for wearing shorts. But that cold front? It has other advantages. You can wear real clothing. Nice stuff. Dress up a little, play the holiday thing up some. I’ve got this really nice silk sports coat, cut with a western yoke on in its pattern. To me,that’s dressing up. Plus, I’ve got any number of shirts with genuine fake pearl snaps, outlandish embroidery, nice stitching and such. Don’t be afraid to dress up a little, now that it’s cooler weather. It works, and it works well for you. This is special time, as the approaching full moon lands right in your sign for the start of your weekend. Get dressed up, get out and enjoy some of the good stuff. Period. No excuses about how this or that is dragging you down.

Taurus: One year, I was so broke at Xmas time that I was forced to take in a tall stack of books I wanted to unload, and trade them in at the used bookstore [Halfprice Books]. Then, I turned around and shopped for new, used, remaindered books with the credit I got for me old texts. Now, I was still broke, but I had exchanged one set of useless [to me] texts for another set of more useful gifts. But I was still really broke. I borrowed the Neighbor’s tape, and the week-old newspaper, and I carefully wrapped all those gifts in newsprint. It was an excellent solution to a serious problem, and all it took was a little bit of my time. Turning a person who loves to read loose in a bookstore is usually bad news, but seeing as how I was really broke, and all I had was credit for the books I traded in, it worked out just fine. Maybe you’re not going to trade in old, no longer important epic tomes of yours, and maybe you’re not that fond of reading, but there’s a suggestion that you’ve got something that you can trade in, hock or even pawn. And that place where you unload that useless material? It’s a great place for you to shop. Then, to wrap up the metaphor, think about the borrowed newspaper. Consider it all “recycling,” and I think you’ll find that your week turns out better than you figured it would. No harm in trying to recycle stuff.

Gemini: “So I asked Kramer about this one, ‘Bubba, what’s the chance of me being picked to be on my own jury?’ Know what he had to say?” I was listening closely to that one Gemini friend talk — I mean, he was putting words right into my mouth, quoting me on things I never said, but it was a good story. Imagine, the county accidentally comes after your Gemini self for taxes, filing a civil case. Then you get a notice for a jury duty. What are the odds you can get picked to sit on the jury of your own trial? Wouldn’t that be a mess? You could get the whole thing thrown out on something. I’m sure some legal expert will quote me chapter and verse about how this could never happen, but that legal expert would be underestimating Gemini Power, the ability to obfuscate and clarify at the same time. And that court thing? It was a mix-up in paperwork, that’s all. No big deal. So you’re going to get a couple of annoying notices pretty soon,. Like jury duty and a civil case. Here’s my hint: just show up. You’ll be surprised to find that the winning combination of Gemini charm and wit still has what it takes to get you out of trouble. But you can’t display that Gemini obfuscation and wit unless you show up. No time for hiding under the covers.

Cancer: Cancer is nothing, if not tasteful. My Cancer fishing buddy has a way of always showing up, even at 5 in the morning, in tasteful and correct fishing attire. Once last summer, I was guiding this one Cancer feller, and he was at the trailer’s doorstep, promptly and on time, and he was wearing long pants that zippered apart into shorts, an T-shirt, a fishing vest that matched the pants, and to top it all off, one of those floppy hats. Most of the summer bass lures are far too large to fit on the hat; gratefully, he hadn’t tried to hang any six-inch long rubber worms on his hat. Problems? That was great, even photogenic, last summer. It’s now the middle of the winter, or almost, in Texas. What worked then, it doesn’t really work now. What was tasteful attire last July, what was the very height of fashion on summer morning in Texas, that is wide open for dispute now. Maybe it’s not such a good idea to try flying an old fashion statement past your friends. Maybe you’re not trying to impress a fishing guide, maybe it’s someone else — what with Mars and Venus doing a dance in Scorpio, it could very well be that you’re trying to impress a significant other. Or someone you want to be a significant other. Take a tip from someone who knows absolutely nothing about fashion — me — you want to assess your choices. You will benefit from not adhering to old styles, unless, of course, that “old fashioned” and “retro” look is what you’re trying to accomplish.

Leo: I’ve incurred the wrath of more than one Leo, worrying through this Jupiter transit. It’s not nice to roar like the lion that you are, and take it all out on your poor, pitiful excuse of a fire sign for an astrologer. I don’t move the planets, even though there are certain parties who would suggest that I actually have some control over where the planets are. I just plot the course, not the actions. You’ve been rushing, for a while, down a long and dusty trail. You’ve been making a Leo statement or two, and this weekend, folks seem to be paying heed to your voice. That’s good. Next week, though, after the weekend? I’d be careful. I’m not sure everyone is as willing to listen to your veritable fount of wisdom that comes from your Leo mouth. Nothing seems to be more infuriating for a kind, gentle Leo than to be ignored. What’s worse, is you’re probably right. “Probably? Of Course I’m right!” Look: I know you’re right, but that doesn’t mean that you have to yell at me — or other, less enlightened individuals — nope, if we don’t seem to be getting the point after the weekend, then skip it for the time being. You are allowed to smirk later.

Virgo: A good Virgo already has all the Xmas cards made out, addresses and pretty little stamps stuck on them all. Except that, maybe you’re not really that good of a Virgo. Maybe you’ve put off this holiday task for a while. I’m of the group that believes, “Never do today what you can put off until next week, or better yet, the week after that….” Now then, some place between that “ideal Virgo world” and “Kramer’s procrastination place” is where you can land. The holiday task at hand might not be Xmas cards — or Solstice Celebration cards — or whatever holiday you’re celebrating in the dead of winter [or dead of summer, if you’re down under], it could be something else. But I like the idea of Xmas cards, even if I’ll never get around to doing them myself. You’re feeling chatty, communicative, and you have a little extra energy for making the note, e-mail, cards, fax, or other epistles sound “purty.” Use that extra sweet Virgo sensibility to make sure all your communication is nicer than usual. There’s a payoff for doing so, but you might have to wait until the answer comes back before you get to appreciate what’s happened.

Libra: I know you’ve got a few ideas about what you can do to improve yourself. No time is better than right before the holidays, can’t think of a better time for you, for discussing what you’re going to do to make your life better. Got a great self-help plan? Now’s the time to talk it up some. Fly that idea past a few friends. Enlist the assistance of some friends, maybe see if anyone else has experience in this area. Ask question, get answers, tabulate results. You’re formulating a plan. You’re working on it. This is going to be a group project, though, and you’re going to require some assistance. With the infectious holiday spirit, and the placement of Mars and Venus, one sign past yours, this would be a good time to enlist that assistance. Great time for starting out, for setting out, for plotting a course to get where you want to be. No time is better than now.

Scorpio: I like having answers to your questions. I can even look at your chart and anticipate that question, with a fair degree of accuracy. My answer? “Yes, but not yet.” In about 8 days, you’ve got this really cool alignment between Venus, Mars and Jupiter. In the time in between? I’ll stick to what I said. Delay a few items you were just about to purchase, maybe put off a big deal until just a little later. Other than that, though, you’re feeling rather bodacious. Just Venus and Mars alone make you feel good. Energy, passive, aggressive energy. Not the stuff that drives you crazy, that “passive-aggressive” energy, but the cool stuff. You can sit there one minute and enjoy everything, then, just like changing channels on the TV in the front room of the trailer, you’re up and out of there. Venus is pleasure that comes to you; Mars is pleasure that you go to. Instead of having to make a decision like, “Do I pull something out of the ice box, or head out for Chicken Fried Steak today,” you get to do both. But these are simple pleasures in life. The really big deals, those need to wait. Those big ticket purchase items? Keep shopping for them. For some of my fine Scorpio friends, that shopping part is the most fun. Like I’ve suggested before, the answer is, “Yes, but not yet.”

Sagittarius: It’s that tail end of the little lost time between the two holidays, down here in Texas, those two holidays are Sagittarius and Xmas. During this few weeks, not a lot of hard work usually get accomplished. Just sort of the way things go — we’re used to it all. However, there’s a special hint, and I know this won’t make me popular, but here it is: diet. Turkey day starts the Sagittarius stuff, and you’ve been on a binge. As the moon gets fuller and fuller, climbing high into that winter sky over Texas, you feel much the same way. You’re feeling like a tick on Bubba’s hound. Oddly enough, he calls that dog, “Muffy.” Not a macho name for a hunting dog, but it works. Besides, that dog will hunt. Let’s go back to that tick on the dog, though, all bloated and stuffed, feeling rather happy with itself. Its little tick belly is gorged, stretched to bursting. When Bubba finds one of those ticks on his baby, he usually fires up a cigar, and holds the burning ember close to the tick’s belly. Gradually, the heat gets to the tick and it backs out of there. Only when it’s completely free, and safely removed from the dog, does Bubba crush that critter. You can be the tick, the dog, or the guy with a cigar in hand, applying pressure. But to get rid of that persistent bloated feeling, show more concern towards your diet.

Capricorn: “Old trucks are kinda like old girlfriends,” I was telling my Capricorn buddy the other day, “they both quite working at a time when it can be most inconvenient.” I was stating the case as politely as possible, trying to get a feeling across, and I was trying to coddle my Capricorn friend with a sense of humor. Didn’t quite work. My funny comment came across as being a little brittle and bitter. It’s all that Capricorn stuff in my own chart. You’ve got a couple of your rather amusing tales to tell, just like me, only, the way the story comes out, it sounds a little sarcastic, maybe even tinged with either malice or vindictiveness. You and me, we’ll both have a good laugh about all this stuff. We’ll both think it’s funny, in weird way. But not everyone you encounter has our strange tastes. AS you’re set to let loose with a stinging comment — meant in good fun — but a stinger nonetheless — stop. Think about it. Turn the comment over in your mind, then project that comment into the mind of the receiving end. See what it might sound like to them. Doesn’t sound nearly as amusing. Mercury heats up your mouth and mind. Regrettably, the other planets are slowing everything else down, so it might be a good idea to check with your brain before you make the comments.

Aquarius: I know you’ve heard me lecture you about the planet that is generally assumed to be the winner of the “Aquarius Planet” award. Uranus is a weird one, with its north pole pointing at the sun at all times. Which, in my Aquarius brain, begs the question, “How do these astronomers know it’s the North Pole? Couldn’t it be the South Pole that always points at the Sun?” It’s not like we’ve ever been there, although, a manned mission to Uranus wouldn’t be a bad idea, not now, not given what’s kicking loose and free in your chart. The energy of Uranus is unleashed on your sign, in a big way, just after the weekend. But I’m sure you’re going to be feeling it long before it actually gets here. You can take one of two course, you can struggle, fight, and bemoan your fate, and send me long, e-mails full of failed instances, dangling participles and unusual opportunities that you missed. Or, you can seize the moment! Grab this with both hands, and just hang on. Nothing is going to work out the way you thought it was. Or, in some rare cases, it will work out just the way you want it to, but you weren’t expecting it to work that way. Stay light on your feet, but be prepared for a wild ride. How it works out depends on how you manage your expectations.

Pisces: I’d like to brag, and say that I did all the mathematical analysis that goes with this prognostication. To be completely honest, though, it was the computer that performed most of the calculations. I just analyzed the results of its analysis. In other words, it charted all this stuff, and I just looked at the Pisces astrology chart. I figured out why, over the last few years, and for another decade or so to come, is it that Pisces are doing better than anyone else. It has to do with one particular planet, its placement, and the ongoing story that unfolds in the ever-changing Pisces chart. Or life. You’re surely questioning this line of logic, wondering if it’s more line, and less logic. Actually, it’s more logical — long-term prognostication is good. Short range, there are problems. This coming weekend, then carrying on over to Monday, there’s a little bit of angst generated by smaller, less important planets in your chart. Folks get jealous of you. I’ve committed the ultimate Texas faux-pas, asking, “What’s the secret ingredient in your BBQ sauce?” Someone’s going to ask you what your secret is. You don’t have to tell — let them be jealous of you. Explain that your secret sauce is just that, a secret. After all, that’s what makes it so Pisces Special.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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