For the Week of 12/5-11/2002

“An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.”
Shakespeare’s Richard III [IV.iv358]

Aries: I had this one Aries girlfriend, and the last time I saw her, she was going on and on about how she was too fat. I consider myself a fair judge of horseflesh and a keen observer of the female form. While I never saw this one woman with her clothes off, I can pretty safely assure everybody that she wasn’t as heavy as she thought she was. It’s like another client I’ve got, he looks in the mirror, and he sees himself with hair although, he’s had a bare pate for many years now. It’s a trick of the eyes, it’s a trick of the mind, it’s a just plain, old trick. I know enough about human interactions to know that when most girls say, “I’m too fat,” it’s really a setup, begging an answer from me, “No you’re not.” Thanks to the way this all starts with a new moon in Sagittarius, then the current theme of Mars and Venus in Scorpio, I can hear my Aries friend saying, “I’m too fat.” No, no you’re not. It could also be something else, too, some other voice in the back of your Aries brain saying, “I’m too [insert some descriptive bit of yourself that you don’t like right now].” The deal is, when an Aries says that, unlike other signs, you mean it. When we tell you that, “No, no you’re not too [insert that phrase again],” we also mean it. Listen to our compliments.

Taurus: I don’t have children of my own, not in the strictest sense. Therefore, I can’t lecture about how to raise offspring. But I have a very childlike animal companion, and I have learned a few things from her. This is a time to be firm, but not without compassion, towards someone just like my cat. There’s a heightened sense that a little discipline is surely called for. Then, too, there’s a sense that you should be forgiving, as well. You’re face to face with Mars and Venus, in a standoff of sorts. It’s time to be both compassionate and giving while remaining firm and resolute. If you can strike that balance, then you’ve got it made. Matter of fact, if you can hit that balance point on the first try, the right amount of compassion and still remain firm in your conviction, let me know about it. We’ll right a self-help book that will be an instant bestseller. That means, you might not get it quite right the first time, but that also means you can keep trying. It’s goal, it’s something to aim for, not necessarily something you’ll get to easily. While it might not actually be child, too, you’ll find that there’s someone childish enough to need this sort of help from you. If I can just get this cat to follow her diet, then all will be well.

Gemini: Just outside of my hometown, there’s a little town called Blanco, Texas. Just south and west of town here, a little too far to be called a suburb, but not so far that it’s like a really major trip, either. Imagine sitting in an old truck, and riding down there for an afternoon. It’s pretty nice out, a little balmy, and the December daylight feels sort of weak, yet it’s nice enough. It seemed like the thing to do was to eat some Tex-Mex cuisine in a little cafe that bordered the backside of the town’s square. Food was plentiful, and relatively speaking, pretty cheap. With my long hair and earrings, clashing attire [plaid and Hawaiian], the one waitress took a look at me, and she remarked, “You’re not from around here, are you?” I suggested she guess where I was from, and that brought a quick answer, “Austin.” You get these winter days [and nights] wherein it feels like life is a little different, like you’ve stepped back in time, like you’ve come unglued from where you are, and you’ve taken a trip to some place that’s distant. Yet, in your heart, you know that you’re not that far away. It’s the Gemini ability to compress time and space, and that ability is compounded — or added to — by the Mars and Venus game of tag going on over yonder in Scorpio. Plus we start this week with a real Sagittarius kickoff that does nothing to make you feel wonderful. A little bit of travel — doesn’t have to be far — a little outing of some kind is good for you. Hearing those words, even if you’re really in your own neighborhood, that helps, too, “You’re not from around here, are you?” It’s almost like music of some kind.

Cancer: Astrology charts are commonly displayed as a wheel. I couldn’t decide what to do with yours for the week, as there are two important areas that need to be addressed. One is love, the other is money. After what you’ve been through in the last couple of months, the most important stuff should be money, but I’m more inclined to lean towards the relationship questions. Could be because I love Cancers. Could be because the last couple of months have been such a rough time for most Cancer human interactions. Could be because there was this one Cancer girl I was trying to impress, and all my goofy charm just evoked sarcastic laughter. So I sat and spun the Cancer wheel around some more, weighted the options, and came up with the romance question as being the most important theme. Emotions run particularly high at a time like this, and the biggest trick is to tempt you out of your shell, out of that Cancer carapace, and once you’re out, you can enjoy what’s happening. There’s a holiday season rapidly approaching. Do something with that glee. There’s a lot of shopping, parties, and just simple fun to be had. Get out. Do that. The secret to love equation, the answer to the unasked question, the key, is to circulate. Get and amongst the shuddering hordes of people. Once you do that, then life is grand. That love question finds an answer.

Leo: Texas is full of odd people and places. Just west of Austin, there’s a some guy who’s gone and built himself a smaller vision of the English version of Stonehenge It’s just west of little town called Hunt, Texas. Backed by beautiful cliffs and not far from the shores of the Guadeloupe River, just a couple of miles from the center of town, there’s this miniature version of the monoliths from the Salisbury plains sitting in the middle of an old flood plain. It’s actually at a bend in the highway. I suppose it could realistically be considered “front yard artwork,” but I’m not sure that it’s something I’d want in front of my trailer. In addition to the Stonehenge replica, there are also a couple of Easter Island “heads,” replicas of the famous statues from Easter Island. More yard art. Wondering about this stuff? Sure. It’s worth a trip some day, next time you’re out that way. With Jupiter in your sign, although he’s moving backwards, it’s time for a road trip of sorts. Might not be a big one, might just be a few miles. But get out from where you at. Either a real trip, or an imaginary trip, but do something to get out from underneath the present day burdens. Escape. Get away from it all. Besides, while you’re out, you could stumble across some little treasures. Or even medium sized treasures, right in the he middle of the Texas prairie.

Virgo: I’ve got a friend who judges the state of the economy — as well as her own self-worth — by the number of credit card offers she gets the shred every day. Advertising, I’ve seen this at her trailer, credit limits up to $300,000 sure sound good. I’d like to extend that Virgo some credit, too, especially since she methodically shreds all the credit card offers. It’s in the fine print see, that isn’t really free money. It’s money that’s going to have to be paid back at some time. Banking institutions are funny like that, wanting all their money back, plus interest. After all the work I went through to fill out the application, then they want me to pay it all back, too? I find that terribly unfair. Being the perspicacious Virgo that you are, when you get some kind of enticement or offer, even if it’s from a well-meaning astrologer like myself, I suggest you look through the enclosed materials before you put your name on the dotted line. Before you sign that document and drop it back in the mail, check out the details. I don’t think the offer is nearly as good as it seems. The state of the Virgo economy is good, but it will take tireless efforts on your part in order to maintain that good state. Don’t drop your guard.

Libra: In Shakespeare’s “As You Like It,” there’s this timely little quote, “These trees shall be my books.” [III.ii.5] Communications are affected this next few days. It’s a big item in your chart. It might not be too bad, but you can never tell. I’d suggest that you write everything down. I’d also suggest that a moment of thought before engaging your mouth might be in order. You’re going to be sorely tempted to go off on a rant, a verbal tirade about a particular issue, near and dear to your heart, only, I’m afraid you won’t be operating a complete set of facts. That’s never bothered me, or my family, but in your case, my dear Libra, make sure you have all the material you need before you launch into that monologue.

Scorpio: After the downside of all that Venus conflict, when things got good, or now that they’re supposed to be better… no, really. Problems with Mars, now in your sign? I think not. See, here’s a little astrology secret, from the old files, see Scorpio and Mars used to be the best of buddies, up until the modern age and old Clyde found Pluto. So Mars actually likes Scorpio, and it likes being there, I mean here, in your sign. Do you like it? I would hope so. It’s a holiday time, and you’re supposed to be celebrating. Thanks to Mars, you’ve got a little too much energy. And thanks to Venus, you’re feeling a little too good. Now, I can easily bet [it’s a sucker’s bet] that one or two Scorpio’s will holler at me and complain that life is NOT good, and because my horoscope has it wrong, I must be a bad person. Get over your silly self, that’s what I say. Life is good. Other folks are having problems, but those kind of problems can be boiled down to the simple fact that you’re feeling good, and you’re feeling energetic when no else is. Simply put, that’s their [problem, not yours.

Sagittarius: I was just west of Kerrville, TX — was that just last week? I think so. We stopped to fuel the truck up at a big gas station, store, hamburger chain place. Always worries me when petroleum products are sold right next to fast food, like, is there any cross over in the contents? The truck’s rear axle needed a little grease, and the kitchen was cooking the french fries in grease, is there a connection? I hope not. I bought a single lottery ticket, more on whim rather than any really good astrological advice. The clerk smiled a toothless grin, and told me, “Lotto number are guaranteed to win. Sometime.” After first, I was ecstatic, ambling out the truck, putting the ticket in my shirt pocket. Then I thought about it. Yes, each one of those numbers will show in a winning lottery pick, some Wednesday night. Maybe not all at the same time, but sooner or later, each one will part of a winning combination. Share your good luck and good fortune with other people. You might not have the exact winning combination by next Wednesday night, but you’ve got part of it. Share your part with other folks, and see if you can’t build a Team Sagittarius project. Amongst you and your friends, you’ve got a winning group.

Capricorn: You’re going into a weekend, you know Thursday, Friday, when it feels like no one want s to come out and play. As a qualified, certified, astrologer, and since you’re going to be feeling sorry for yourself, I’ll allow you up 24 hours of self-pity. You can use all of that time feeling sorry for yourself, if you want. No one loves you, you’re alone in the world, even the cat has abandoned you. Like I said, you can use up to one, whole day feeling the “Oh woe is me” syndrome. Personally, after a couple of hours, I get so depressed, that I have to do something about it. As a professional, for some of my Capricorn friends, I’ve recommended tequila. Others need something that’s far less intoxicating. In either case, you can indulge yourself. The problem is, this is a lunar phase, a trick of the Sun and the Moon, and as such, it’s over with pretty quick. I’m not sure that it hits right on that Thursday-Friday axis, but sometime in the next week, you’re going to be feeling pretty sorry for yourself. Get over it. Mercury starts to careen into your sign, blowing in with all haste, and once he slides in, that pitiful state you’ve gotten yourself into is over. No more feeling sorry. Besides, this whole syndrome is kicked off by your own brain doing a little too much time in its own sphere. I’d suggest that you don’t listen to all the voices in your head.

Aquarius: There’s a hint of spice in the air. It’s suggestive of a flavor, but you can’t quite identify the source. Or, for that matter, you can’t quite identify the actual spice. I was sensing cardamom, but that’s not really a spice for this time of the year. Doesn’t matter. Ain’t nothing traditional about you, nor, will there be anything traditional about the way you put stuff together for the holidays, or, especially, for this next week. The weekend goes from excellent to bad, in the blink of an eye. You’ve been warned. Now, when nothing goes bad — I’m happy to be wrong. But if something you don’t like does occur, think about that hint of spice in the air. Remove yourself from the situation, pick up the pieces, and move on to the next thing. It’s as simple as that. I’m not absolutely sure that you’re going to have a bad weekend, but then, I can suggest that the planets have a hiccup or two in there, and that could be a problem. If I’m wrong, and nothing bad happens, then all the better. But be a little prepared. Make sure you’ve got cab fare so you can get out of there, if need be. What has happened to me in this situation is that a date got ugly drunk. That cab fare wasn’t used for me — it was to get her out of there. As soon as she was poured into a cab, the party scene got back to good fun. But it doesn’t hurt to have cab fare so your weekend isn’t completely ruined.

Pisces: What I’ve heard, time and again, is how “Life mimics Art.” Then there’s this stuff called “Modern Art,” which, to be truthful, I don’t always understand. But given my tastes in attire, or room furnishings, that’s understandable that I have I limited aesthetic sensibilities [ah, c’mon, how many people do you know who have a Black Velvet Elvis proudly hanging in their trailer’s living room?] So your next couple of days are like this, you have a new piece of art you want to unveil. You have new, epic Pisces masterpiece, and you’re ready for the world to see it. You have this wonderful piece of work you’ve sweated and strained over, something you’ve put your very life essence into, and you’re unveiling it now. You rip the cover off, pull the curtain back, and there it is! In all its glory! No one applauds. You get a couple of murmurs, some appreciative noises from the thronging crowds, but no one beats a path to you with a suitcase full of money. The article in the paper the next day isn’t so hot. Not bad, just not as glowing as you would like. Trust me: give it time. some things don’t happen fast enough, but this is a long haul. It’s not going to get appreciated overnight. Your masterpiece is wonderful. Whatever you unveil is excellent. It’s a classic of form, combining beauty with function. It will be appreciated before the next horoscope gets written, but hey, it might take a little time for your wondrous efforts to be fully realized.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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