Fishing Guide to the Stars
by Kramer Wetzel
For the Week of: 2/13-19/2003
“Were kisses all the joys in bed,
One woman would another wed.”
From Shakespeare’s “The Passionate Pilgrim” [IV.8]
St. Valentine and his big day are a little weird this year, as Sr. Neptune’s mysterious influence in Aquarius is right, straight across the sky from Jupiter and his appearance in Leo.
Aquarius: I’ve whined and complained about this cosmic joke that’s played on us Aquarius types for years. Given the gift of intellect, my dear Aquarius friends are not given to great, outward displays of affection. Note: I didn’t not say that us Aquarius types are not affectionate, nor, for that matter are we not unfeeling, it’s just that some of our emotions get displayed in a highly irregular manner. Personally, that’s what I find so intriguing and amusing about the sign of the “Water Bearer.” So it’s some kind of a cosmic joke, to have this really [according to the hype] romantic holiday smack dab in the middle of your [our] sign. When fishing, there’s something that’s really useful: polarized sunglasses. The lenses let one see into the murky depths, see where the big boys are lurking. The shimmering surface of the lake doesn’t fool us. So this holiday weekend, as we celebrate the romantic thing, consider using polarized sunglasses. I know, it’s a birthday time for some, but the polarized glasses, instead of “rose colored” shades are a lot more useful. Don’t be surprised by anything, no matter how unusual it is, either, as there’s one or two fun incidents prompted by all this romantic hype.
Pisces: There’s just the nicest little, somewhat sleazy, somewhat of a dive restaurant here, serves good Tex-Mex cuisine. It’s been flooded out, burned down, it’s been closed down, it’s been a number of things like that, and yet, they keep on turning out decent quality Tex-Mex with a piquant picante sauce that’s acceptable. In my way of seeing things, a decent hot sauce tells me whether or not the place is any good at all. Me and my friend Bubba were sitting out there, the other night, and after a couple of rounds of Tequila, his tongue got limbered up. “So if I understand this right, it’s the crass, commercial economy that continues this whole Valentine’s Day thing, right? And I can blame the almighty dollar for feeling like such a loser because I’m single, again, on V.D. You wonder about those initials, too.” He’s got some Pisces in his chart, this one Bubba, and it was sorely affected by the way things are. Were. I looked up, and I noticed that there was, indeed, a ceiling fan over us. The motor was on, the hub was spinning, but there weren’t any fan blades. I do believe this is a South Austin form of art, or decoration, or something like that. Nominally winter nights in Austin are cool, so I was glad that there weren’t any fan blades in that one fan. As I looked around, I realized that there were several fans, just like the one over us, spinning but no blades. You’re like that. The hot sauce is good, the attitude is bad. The motor’s spinning, but nothing is getting anywhere. Now, this could be a bad event, or this could be a good thing–like us, if those fan blades had really been stirring the air, creating a breeze, we’d be too cold. Some situations aren’t nearly as bad as your Pisces mind makes them out to be. Like no fan blades.
Aries: Sometimes, it’s the soft, gentle kiss, the way the lips barely brush past each other, like the butterfly touch of an eyelash. Other times, like, when Mars is in Sagittarius [where he is right now] and when the Moon is cycling between Cardinal signs [where she is over this next few days], it’s a lot less of the delicate touch, and more of mash. Or a mush. You’re going to feel, in my analysis, mushy, sappy, and occasionally quick-witted. The problem with vacillating between the extremes is that most folks figure that you’re just a little manic. You’re not in the least. It’s more to do with Moon Phases than anything else. There are a couple of other influences, and one of them is strange, almost mysterious. Lean on Mars for some support. More activity helps you maintain that critical balance point that some folks think you’ve lost.
Taurus: One of the greatest secrets I’ve found in my line of work–or any type of endeavor–is being able to ask the right question at the right time. It could even be the wrong time, given my propensity for bad timing, but still, ask the question. The type of questions that come to mind, as I look at a particular influence in your chart, have a lot less to do with love and romance, than you might like. “But it’s Valentine’s Day!” Work with me here. Questions like “Why did you do it that way?” and the ever popular, “What were you thinking when you said that?” are a lot more useful than the usual stuff bantered about. There’s a right way to ask a question, and there’s a wrong way to ask a question. Even seemingly stupid questions can be asked correctly, as long as you keep your voice down, give that innocent look, and pretend like it’s just a silly thing. I will not pander to the little cupid and stupid marketing hype at this point. Ask the tough questions, but do so in a sweet, Taurus way.
Gemini: I was born in Texas. I was raised in Texas. Part of my education is from Texas institutions. To me, nothing is sexier than a girl who knows how to handle a firearm. Or a horse. Maybe even both, but in this day and age, I’d prefer them not to be together, that is, the firearm and the horse. Guns belong on the shooting range, and horses belong in the pasture, or out on the trails in the desert. Where you live, maybe what one finds “sexy” varies slightly from my definitions. I’m willing to work with that. There’s an element of danger with both the items I’ve listed, though, and while danger can be inherently sexy, in and of itself, it might not be the best route to follow during our little romantic holiday weekend. Then, there are those who would suggest that even trying to date a Gemini is dangerous enough as it is. Now, Mr. Mars is opposite you, and Miss Venus is lining up just past him. Even though I find girls with guns and horses an attractive, desirable thing, that doesn’t mean you need to advertise your dangerous qualities. Matter of fact, given where Mars is, you might want to just imply that you’re dangerous rather than actually packing a piece.
Cancer: Work is weighing heavy on your soul. Or, worse yet, if you’re not really a fishing guide and if you don’t get to ride around in boat from time to time, work probably feels like it’s sucking the life right out of you. Not everyone is lucky like me, and not everyone can combine a real love of the natural world plus a chance to spin tales about astrology and such, and make this thing work. I’ve had office jobs. I’ve had dead-end work situations. I’ve sat there and looked at a computer screen, fearful that my life was slipping away from me. I feel your Cancer pain. I understand the frustration. On a lighter, more hopeful note, this sense of doom and frustration is really just a temporary situation. It’s a matter of the way you see yourself, and the way we [the other 11 signs] see you. Realize that the work situation is a passing feeling, and it might even feel a little better by next week. Then, too, understand that we still think you are every bit as lovely as you are. [Or ruggedly handsome yet compassionate, I mean, whatever works.] The problem is you’re feeling all alone, and the answer is to listen to your good friends a little more. That, and maybe a little excursion to lake for some Valentine fishing….
Leo: It’s hard to imagine that a Leo would make a stupid blunder. Frankly, I just can’t see it like that. However, sometimes the planets exert a little push that might not be in your own best interest. Call it impulse. I was in a fancy casino, not so very long ago, and there was a boutique shop with horribly over-priced apparel for sale. Now, I like a good Hawaiian shirt, but I just can’t see paying more than a few dollars for one–I tend towards secondhand and thrift stores, as well as charity. This store, on the concourse leading to the parking garage, it had the coolest shirts, loud, tacky and at a price where I could afford to buy ten shirts at my discount stores. I did stop, and I did look. One was particularly attractive, loud colors, real silk, made in Hawaii, and the price scared me. “Impulse,” get this: that was the name of the store. As much as it’s fun sometimes, you might want to check those impulse buys. Does your Valentine really need something that expensive? [Yes, you do deserve it, but this might not be the best time to buy, no matter how good it looks.]
Virgo: I once extolled the virtues of buying a single design Valentines’ card in bulk. Same card, to all the folks, that way, I didn’t have to stop and figure out which card I sent where and to whom. Great idea. Don’t ever put ideas like that in print. More than one recipient let me know that she was onto my tricks, and she didn’t find it amusing. So much for trying to handle my own romantic life by being smooth. Then, I got to kicking around some words, Valentine and Virgo both have that same letter to start with–coincidence? I think so. Yet there’s something extra special nice about this weekend, something extra special nice about what’s going on in Virgo, and this particular weekend, if in the last few weeks haven’t been that great, this one weekend looks good. The problems start next week, as the Sun moves into Pisces, and you guys start to notice that I pulled that same trick again, the bulk mail Valentine card thing. Get upset? Why? When the sun moves into Pisces, life in Virgo land gets a lot less precise. Don’t worry about next week, it’ll get here when it does. Until then, have a good weekend with that someone special.
Libra: There’s a slightly crude side to your Libra psyche. It’s like me and the boys, when we’re out in the boat, not catching fish, the conversations, the jokes, the manly posturing, it gets a little raunchy. Or it gets really raunchy, as only adolescent males can be. Now look: this is the big, romantic holiday weekend. All that sick humor, the bodily function jokes, the sexist, perverted humor, that all has a place–on the boat, when we’re fishing. It does NOT belong in your Libra sweet entreaties to your lover, or would be Libra lover. The big goal is to keep the sick, twisted, puerile humor out of the romance stuff. Sure, some of it’s funny. I know a nice little specialty shop, they have great cards, just chock full of this evil humor. Bad stuff. Don’t give into the temptation to send out something a little too risqué. I think it’s wonderfully amusing. Your target audience, unless it’s me, they may not be as amused.
Scorpio: Nothing is better than giving a Scorpio a little warning. This weekend is good. You might not feel like getting out much, but then, a weekend sequestered in your trailer with your favorite Valentine person isn’t all bad. We call that “playing house.” Give it a try; see if it works for you. You have a little bit of reckoning coming along. Scorpio detractors [“I pity the fool”] will read that and gleefully respond that it’s about time. However, real Scorpio’s, like yourself, will understand that the reckoning that’s headed your way is really a good thing. I once advised a Scorpio not to do anything about a situation. He was so sure he should mete out a degree of justice. However, a little less action at that time resulted in the whole situation turning around, coming around, and being good all around for him. Patience may be a virtue, but I’d look at it another way: I’ll let someone who deserves it, get it. With no help whatsoever from your Scorpio self. Entropy, the way the world turns, and the cosmic forces at work, plus a liberal dose of Fate will take good care of you. Enjoy the weekend, and don’t doing anything about that “situation.” Nature will take care of you.
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Sagittarius: Properly harnessed, Mars energy is good stuff. Properly directed, given the correct outlet, Mars energy is wonderful stuff. However, Mars is hitting a point where he is almost directly opposite from Saturn. No, we’re not quite there, but this is coming up. “Not that Saturn thing again!” Yes, it’s going to turn a high energy weekend into an awful Monday morning sort of feeling. It’s like this: I’m not, what you would call, a “drinking man” these days. I just don’t bounce back like I used to you. Temperance is an important factor in my Sagittarius life [believe it or not]. I was at a concert venue, not so long ago, and I was looking around at the crowd. I just feel like I’m supposed to be too old to go to a place where guys wearing Mohawks are part of the crowd. There’s something just not quite right about being in a group of folks where that sort of attire is not only permissible but commonplace. [Actually, I had a great time.] And even though I’m not a drinking man, the next day, I felt like something the cat caught, tortured, bit the head off, and left on the doorstep. Even though we have this wonderful Mars drive right now, don’t let it push us to excess. Next week promises to be a hangover kind of a time, even if you’re not drinking.
Capricorn: I was just exchanging electrons with a Capricorn buddy, she was bemoaning her fate–that is, she was worried about her own, personal romantic climate at the moment. Apparently, it reflected a drought pattern, one where there seemed to be no hope of any sort on any horizon, as far as the eye could see. Now, in between e-mails from me, she started to get some stuff that looked like unsolicited commercial e-mail, the bane of our existence. She was deleting some stuff, and she almost missed a note from a former lover. If she hadn’t been more careful, she would’ve missed it completely, trashed like so much useless offers to make money, or see some really disgusting invitation to web sites that cost a lot of money for no value. Her problem, the Capricorn problem for the time being, is one and the same. How do you filter out the good stuff from the bad stuff? How do separate the wheat from the chaff? How do you delineate the difference between what’s good, what’s that one little romantic offer, a valid piece of information, from the onerous tons of junk? How to do this? If you’ve got any great ideas, use them. Be prepared for shifting through a bunch of stuff, though, and realize that you’re actually panning for gold, and liable to find a nugget soon.
(c) 2002, 2003 by Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net
