Fishing Guide to the Stars
by Kramer Wetzel
For the Week of: 3/27-4/2/2003
“[You are] a stony adversary, an inhuman wretch,
Uncapable of pity, void, and empty
From any dram of mercy.”
Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice [IV.i.4-6]
Looked like some of the unsolicited flame mail from last week. It’s that “start of Aries” thing, always gets us here at the office. Big event in Austin coming up. Tell the admissions folks, “I’m in Kramer’s band,” and that might be a way to beat the cover charge. Usually works for me, anyway–but no guarantees.
Aries: Happy birthday! That doesn’t cover all the Aries, but those of us here at the office, we all want to make sure we get that out of the way before we get onto business. The business side of life is the problem for your usually excellent Aries judgment. I’m not usually questioning your ability to see something for what it exactly is. I’ve talked about this before, the way a television camera doubles the weight of a fish. No, I’m serious.
The other day, I landed a bass that weighed maybe an optimistic four pounds. My fishing buddy pointed out that if it had been on a fishing show, that bass would weigh at least six pounds–it’s a trick of the camera. Or maybe it’s the press kit. Anyway, you’re liable to believe that camera instead of what your own, good senses say. Your Aries eyes lead you to believe, like the cameraman says, “That thing’s huge! Must be six or seven pounds!” Right. More like three, but who’s counting? The deal is, Mars is weighing in to obfuscate the way call things the way you see them. Go easy with the hyperbole, and careful, make sure you see what you really see. 3 pounds, tops. At least I was being honest.
Taurus: When this last happened to me, the way your astrology stuff is stacking up, I wandered into an old “Grain & Feed” store in a small town a few hours west of here. It had that smell of a small town “Seed & Feed” place, the faint aroma of paint, tar, fertilizer, odd bits of hardware floating around. Up near the front of the store, there was a pocketknife display case. In one corner, there was a small pocketknife. For me, this was a holy grail. After opening the case, and peeling the wire off, I discovered an item that had been in that display case for over 30 years. As a collector of such things, it was my big find. Near-mint condition, a little sun-bleached, untouched by humans for over 30 years. On the backside of the main blade, there was small amount of corrosion, in the shape of a thumbprint. Talking to the storekeeper, I suspect it was his print from a while back–like 30 plus years.
This is the sort of thing that can happen to you. The value of that particular pocketknife, in collector circles, is quite high. However, the monetary value of that knife is outweighed by my sentimental attachment. You’re looking for something, and some patient work, plus a little barbecue, can turn up just what you’re seeking.
Gemini: Last Christmas, one of my family members stuffed a few fishing lures into my Xmas stocking. Cool enough, I guess, but they weren’t lures that are particularly useful on area lakes. But it was a nice gesture. I was digging through my tackle, looking for something to fish with, and I pulled one of those lures out. Tied it on the end of the line, and started casting. In late March, there is this occasional heavy wind on area lakes. I was grateful because that one lure had some serious heft to it. Fun enough. It cast pretty well. Now, when working with monofilament fishing line, especially on light tackle, I have to use a special knot for attaching things like lures, and hooks, the various baits I use. That kind of knot isn’t like a regular knot because those seem to slip right out of the slippery lines. I was running the trolling motor, trying this new lure, and I wound up for a good cast, the lure went sailing through the air, unraveled my special knot, and just kept right on going.
My buddy in the back of the boat got a good laugh out of this, as did I. Sometimes, when events–or fishing lures–don’t go quite the way you want them to, you just have to laugh about it. I did point out that it was good cast. The only problem was that lure was no longer attached to anything. These things happen. Do like I did, laugh about it. In the proper perspective, it really is an amusing few days in Gemini.
Cancer: I’m real big on “catch and release” fishing. It makes for much more tidy sport, nothing to clean up at the end of the day, at least, there are no “internal fish parts” to dispose of. More sporting. Besides, the biggest of the sport fishes are usually pregnant females, and who wants to added karmic implication of taking–and keeping–a pregnant critter? Whoever heard of “Bass Cavier”? Even if it’s only an onerous bass?
Keep that idea in mind, the “catch and release” mantra. Between two major planetary influences, one would be the position of the Sun in Aries, and the other would Mars, you’re going to land a big fish–or something. Think about it, though, is this something that you want to keep hanging around? Is this an item you want to slice open, remove its entrails, pick out all the little fine bones, and then go through the whole process of cooking it up? Or is this a trophy item? When I’m really in good form, I figure a typical fish gets about anywhere from 30 seconds to five minutes of my time, I take its picture, and then I let that fish go back to do its fish thang. You’ve got one on your Cancer hook right now, and you need to think about it, “catch and release”? Or are you going to try and keep that one?
Leo: A typical Leo manager gives direct orders. A typical follower of that Leo, does exactly as instructed. These are not typical times, and since you’re looking at this horoscope, you’re not a typical Leo. You’re “THE Leo.” To move things forward for you, let’s turn the tables, so to speak, on the rest of the non-Leo types. I’m not asking you not to be honest, and I’m not asking you to be outright nefarious, but I may suggest that you need to be a little more sly than usual. Instead of the usual, “Do this for me,” verbal Leo directive, what I’m suggesting is something a little more indirect–“Could you, please, maybe, think about doing this one little thing for me?”
Look around, a couple of other signs are bouncing off the walls. It’s sometimes a whole lot easier to get what you want by being extra nice rather than being too straightforward. This is one of the times when an extra layer of tact and diplomacy is necessary. Use that Leo charm–you’ll get much further.
Virgo: Exuberance is a good thing. Yes, I’m aware that there are a few rather pejorative influences, but then, there’s also this thin veneer on top it all, like a glossy coat of paint on an old truck, a sweet layer of good feelings, floating around in Virgo land. Careful with the exuberance, though, as it can get a little carried away. Imagine that you’re a little guy bass [fish]. In the local lakes, right after the girl fishes spawn, the guy fishes are supposed to guard the eggs. Supposedly. Now, some unlikely Fishing Guide to the Stars comes along, and lays a brightly colored worm down, right in front of you. You snap at it, doing the fish equivalent of flexing your pectoral muscles.
The two of us struggle, and you win–hey, it happens, remember the exuberance and thin veneer of good stuff, lacquered on top? Here’s the catch: you go home to the girl fish, and there’s this bright orange worm and hook hanging out of your large mouth. “What have you been doing?” she demands. Like most guys, that boy bass, just says, “Murmur. Murmur, murmur.” [Translation from fish speak with a hook in the mouth: “Me? Nothing! Why do you ask?” It’s hard to argue with something like a big orange worm hanging out of the side your mouth. Watch the exuberance. And I’ll bet it’s not a good week for me catching Virgo fish.
Libra: Not far from where I live, just across the river, there’s a small neighborhood that’s not quite gentrified, still maintaining some of its original Austin charm. A couple of weekends ago, I was killing time on a Saturday night, and we we’re sitting around her kitchen, a bit drafty on a cool March night, and she picked up a guitar. “This one is for my last boyfriend,” as she has a propensity [and marked attraction] for the musician types. Each song she did had a nice, light upbeat tone, until she got around to the punch line in the song. Whoa. Punch might be a little weak, it was more like a kick. Each tune was amusing, light, airy, that sort of “girl with a guitar” kind of song.
Then came the kicker–“I’m like, SO over you.” Those weren’t the exact words, but that’s the idea. My friend was bemoaning her fate, and how the guy she got back together with hadn’t changed like he’d promised, and she was crying every night, and it was all a sad story. That’s why the music was so good. Write your own songs. I’m pretty sure you’re not nursing a broken heart. I’m pretty sure you’re trouble is slightly different, but it’s a time to look long and hard at that one situation, and then, if the actual facts merit it, kick it to the curb. Then you can write some funny songs about the experience, just to remind us that you’re over him/her/it.
Scorpio: There’s a little branch of a creek, right behind Shady Acres, and then, of course, a tall bridge fording that creek, as well. One of the trees along the bank of the river is a really old willow, must be six or more feet in circumference. Because this tree is so close to the edge of the river, the bank has started to give way a little, and that willow leans out over the creek at almost a 45-degree angle. To the right young person, this looks like a perfect spot to crawl up the tree’s trunk, and jump into the cool water of that creek. Some daring souls have even taken up jumping from the bridge, but that’s not a trip I want to make.
Given that Ms. Venus moves around some over the weekend, though, something like crawling up on that big tree and dropping into the cool, refreshing water of that creek is a good idea. It’s still just a little early to think about summer time pass times, but there’s a hint that this isn’t such a bad idea. Those silly, summer joys are a rewarding pleasure, and once Ms. Venus picks up speed in Pisces, it’s worth considering.
Sagittarius: My neighborhood in South Austin is a political hotspot. It’s a seething bed of liberals with some die-hard conservatives thrown in, just to make sure it’s all a good mix. The ‘hood doesn’t vote just one way or another. However, if you ask the local politicians, my ‘hood is famous for one thing: letter writing. With the advent of computers, electronic mail, and web pages, activism has reached new heights. Or lows, depends on which side of the fence you’re on. As a good Sagittarius, you can see both sides of the fence. I’ve got a friend, lovely lass, and she took it upon herself to modify a Republican sign in the front of her neighbor’s yard. While my heart goes out to her, she did this when there were a lot of motorists tooling by. The Democratic motorists offered verbal support whereas the Republicans were busy trying to call the cops.
As a true Sagittarius, I applauded her efforts. However, as a responsible citizen, defacing a sign in some one else’s yard isn’t a good idea. [Yes, she got in trouble. Worse yet, she had to go and replace the sign as her penance–it was either that or face a fine.] The real problem? My friend wasn’t that offended by the political statement or the candidate, she was offended by the enormity of the sign, its relative placement, and the way it obscured a hazardous corner. The point is, sometimes, the best impulsive action, all though it gets a message across, maybe you want to think it all the way through before you take it upon your Sagittarius self to modify that sign.
Capricorn: One book says to assert your Capricorn self. Another text suggests that you be careful about making your point, as you’re liable to irritate most people. So much for looking this stuff up in books, as the texts always seem to contradict themselves. So what’s the right answer? There isn’t one. There is a chance, though, for you to move yourself ahead, but I’d be a little careful. I’ve got one friend, and she makes her points, clearly and concisely, only, it take her about forever to get her point across. Listen carefully, though, and you’ll find that she carefully plots her course using infallible logic. Follow her lead. It might take you a little longer than you want, to get from where you’re at to where you want to be, but carefully plot this course, and show how you got from here to there. Just having the correct answer isn’t always good enough; be prepared to show how you used irrefutable logic to arrive at your correct answer to the problem. “Just because,” doesn’t work. Trust me, I’ve tried it before.
Aquarius: I used to be a guest on an early morning radio talk show. I’ve done this a number of times, and the problem is the hour of the day that I’m expected at the radio station. I’ve had to be at various stations at 5 or 6 AM. That’s just too early to be up, vivacious, and talkative. It just doesn’t work. When I depart for the lake, for fishing at that hour, polite, kind, and considerate chatter is not required. The usual greeting is more along the lines a grunt rather than any kind of intelligible speech. Your chart resembles how I feel about that early morning talk radio spots. I’m not eager, pleased, or even thrilled to be up at that hour, much less pleased to be the guest of some hyper-animated jock, talking, joking, and laughing a mile a minute.
You’re like me, not pleased with the level of enthusiasm you’re face to face with. I’m not saying you’re not a morning person, and I’m not saying that you’re not happy that you’re reaching out to hundred or thousands of listeners, I’m just suggesting their timing isn’t convenient with your schedule or time frame. That’s a problem. It’s an inconvenience. Look: at times like this, if someone is trying to help your career, it’s your duty to get up and put your best Aquarius foot forward, show your pretty Aquarius face to the world, in other words, do what you got to do. More than once, I’ve thought it would just be easier to keep going from the night before in order to make it to those morning shows.
Pisces: Dearest Pisces, we have trouble right now. Last week, I beseeched you to put everything off until now. Well, it is now. The scope of this horoscope starts out with a bump in the road, as Venus goes careening past Uranus. Makes for an auspicious start to the weekend. Or it can rattle your nerves, and make you wonder if you need to contact your chiropractor. Remember that attitude I was talking about last week? Try that, as best you can, for the Thursday-Friday time period. After that, you may still need to see your health-care provider. Or, you might just find that some of these problems have worked themselves out.
I was introducing two friends to each other via e-mail. “Bubba, this is Bubbette, Bubbette, this is Bubba. Talk amongst yourselves.” With e-mail, this is particularly easy because I could just cc: each other on the deal. In case you’re wondering in your Pisces mind, no, this wasn’t a romantic set-up. They had business to discuss. The part that’s important, what your attention should be drawn to, is the little bit about “talk amongst yourselves.” You set stuff up. Let it work itself out. Venus creates a nice flow, once we get halfway through the weekend, and from thence forth, you should be back to your usual Pisces self.
(c) 2002, 2003, Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net
