Fishing Guide to the Stars
by Kramer Wetzel
For the Week Starting: 9/4/2003
“Put in every honest hand a whip,
To lash the rascal naked through the world!”
- Shakespeare’s Othello [IV.ii.144]
Ever listen to the Allman Brother’s “Whipping Post”? It’s part of the great tradition of Southern Rock. And live? It just went on forever and ever — like a Grateful Dead show, or Phish, one of those long jams that never seemed to end. Mercury Retrograde can be like that, either tied to the whipping pole or going on forever and ever….
Just in time, for your reading pleasure, Fishing Guide to the Stars: Fishing for Love thru the zodiac [ISBN: 1-4116-0156-4] is now available:
astrofish.net/books
Virgo: If you just work harder, if you just try a little bit more, if you just put out more effort, you would think, in your Virgo brain, that you would get ahead. Great idea. Doesn’t work. If you just put out more effort, the only results seem to be a more frantic Virgo. I know that you know that feeling. I’ desperately attempting to avoid clichés at this point in the exercise.
You don’t need any high-handed, low-dealing, puffed-up verbiage to confuse you. Slow down.
You’re trying to do too much, too fast, and the faster you try to get everything done, the more mistakes you keep making, and the worse this all gets. Slow it down. Tone it down. Ease up on me. Especially that last part, as I obviously didn’t plan this to happen this way. Venus, Mercury, special Virgo birthdays, and, best of all, Jupiter–it’s just that some of the early degree Virgo folks I know are very rapidly spinning their wheels, and like a truck stuck in the mud, the more the wheels spin, the deeper the rut gets. The more the wheels spin, the harder it is to get that [Virgo] truck unstuck.
Stop spinning your wheels. Look around. First thing I’d try to find is a big stick or board to jam under the wheels, that usually helps. A winch would be even better, and if you will just be a little more patient, a couple of good-ole-boys will be along shortly, and for the price of one six-pack of Lone Star, they’ll be overjoyed to help you out.
Libra: My little Libra friend is going to pull me aside, act like she’s about to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, and then she’s going to ask, in very blunt, almost crude language, just what is going on. I can see this happening, probably this weekend, but maybe next week, too. Might be more than one Libra friend doing this to me, although, I only had that one girl in mind. The beauty of astrology is that it’s basically a genderless game, so even the nice Libra guys should be feeling this way.
What is going on? It’s simple, really, four [4] planets are in Virgo. It’s the sign that precedes your wonderful sign. And all that Virgo mess? It’s adding a little extra tension to your normally well-balanced and easy-going Libra attitude. Add to this conflagration that Mercury is backwards in Virgo, a sign Mr. Mercury is nominally associated with, and it all goes from bad to worse.
What can you do about it? Laugh. Laugh at the little mistakes. Laugh at my mistakes. Laugh at some of the improbable events that occur. Laughter is about all you’ve got combat this sort of ineptitude that you’re going to discover in the next few days. Plus, laughter will help smooth over some situations. Besides, in at least one or two cases, laughing about the problem is about all you really can do.
Scorpio: Let’s weigh out the equation for the next few days in Scorpio Land. (“Scorpio Land” is usually a place with many characteristics of a fun-filled amusement park.) The way this one adds up is much like my schedule. I had one opportunity to do a web site, which paid a lot less than doing an astrology reading, times being what they are, or I could sit around and wait on a reading to show up. While Plan A, tweaking up a web site, wasn’t nearly as lucrative, or entertaining, as a reading, the site did have some parts on it that wiggled, and that’s always interesting to me, strictly from the programming point of view.
The reading wasn’t a sure thing. In fact, as Plan B’s usually go, it was pretty much dead in the water. So there was a wager, right in front of me, right in front of Scorpio, too, for that matter, Plan A, which doesn’t pay nearly as much as Plan B, but Plan A is a sure deal. Plan B, which is infinitely more entertaining, but a lot less likely, is a better ideal. But ideals aren’t always real events. Go with Plan A for now. Doesn’t pay as well, but it does pay. And no paycheck, as opposed to a paycheck that might–or might not–show up, is not very good for the Scorpio bank balance. Even though the less lucrative offer is just that, less lucrative, some money is better than no money.
Sagittarius: Yesterday? Day before? I think it was just earlier this week. I shook out the last of the coffee beans and put them in the grinder. I didn’t have the top to the grinder on quite right, and ground coffee–the last I had on hand–spewed all over the kitchen counter. It was a decidedly inauspicious start to the day. I scraped up that coffee grounds and brewed up a weak cup of coffee, nearly dropping the boiling water down on my bare legs. I jumped back, just in time. The cat took one look at me, and scurried back under the bed.
Her daddy had many words that morning, none particularly nice. The problem? My clumsy, pre-dawn, pre-coffee nature. The deal is, that one day never got better. I should have stopped, gone back to bed and called it day. While the idea is great, sleeping through the whole day in the safe confines of a trailer’s bedroom, I don’t know that I could really get away with that kind of action — or, to be more precise, inaction. Don’t know that you can get away with it either, my fine Sagittarius brethren, but I would suggest that when the coffee doesn’t make right, and the boiling water almost goes all over your bare legs, that it’s a good time to back up and slow down. Maybe we would all do best to ease into the coming few days instead of running headlong into them. Don’t get in all fired-up hurry.
Capricorn: I picked up a CD the other day, out of the used bin at a local store. Didn’t cost much, looked kind of interesting as it’s a local singer/songwriter type, you know, one guy, a guitar, lonesome vocals, heartbreak by the bucketful, teardrops, beer joints and juke boxes. Standard stuff. I was trying to write a review about it, and what I couldn’t come up with was way to express the concepts. See: the music wasn’t that good. Wasn’t bad, just wasn’t anything spectacular.
Okay on the instrumentals, passable voice, but what got me were the lyrics. First off, I could understand the songs, and secondly, the songs spoke about events, places, locations that I know. I feel strongly about those places. I feel strongly about what was being sung about. I was moved by the standard fare of the music.
The problem is, I know that this is just a localized phenomena–that music won’t translate well to listeners outside of the great state of Texas. Maybe a few people will get it, but it’s just one of those albums that will never be a commercial success because no one else will “get it.” See: Mercury Retrograde, plus a plethora of similar influences are creating an envelope around the Capricorn stars. It might not be a local singer/songwriter who moves your soul, but something will. As much as you’d like to tell us about it, though, stop and consider that not everyone will appreciate the depth of passion that you’re feeling. It’s that pesky point of reference, and not everyone understands the Capricorn reference these days. Blame Mercury.
Aquarius: Not all my family lives in Texas. One rogue uncle escaped the confines of Texas and his family — my cousins–all share a typically distorted view of Texas. Of course, I do what I can to add to the myth. Never let it be said I wouldn’t take a situation and employ a little Texas hyperbole to make the facts a little more impressive. Or more interesting.
It’s a family tradition, if nothing else. There’s a problem, see, one of the cousins was going to come to visit. My palatial estate suddenly became a small trailer in South Austin. My luxurious over-sized truck with a double cab and dual rear wheels and a monster V-8 suddenly became a simple, older model pickup [F-350 became an F-100.] My prowess as a fishing god suddenly became a more realistic fact that I know two or three good lakes, and only a couple of spots there. See how this goes? Careful about what you brag about. Mercury and his mayhem have a way of having someone calling your bluff.
Pisces: The sign that’s opposite Pisces has all the action. Lots of planets are stacked up over yonder. One of them is pretty important to Pisces. I’m not one for hanging all the problems of the world on the fact that Mercury appears to moving in a direction that is opposite the way everything else appears to be moving. But when Mercury is retrograde opposite your sign, I’ll promise you’ll run into one–or more–of those comical Mercury Retrograde stories.
Let me see if I can help my Pisces friends. I keep a couple of excuses, all spooled up and ready to deploy at a moment’s notice, just in case I run into certain problems. Here are three of the finest, culled from archives, and you can sprinkle these bon mots in as needed, in the next few days. 1] The cat caught something last night, and I woke up with it on my bed, sorry I’m late. 2] No, I didn’t get your e-mail message, want to go over that again? 3] The alternator went out in the truck, so I was busy fixing it, or I would’ve been here sooner. My personal favorite? 4] I was out of town so I wasn’t here. (Use as needed.)
Aries: Firearm safety is a skill usually learned at a very young age around here. I’m not even going to debate the issues of whether we should be armed or not. Don’t waste any time trying to convince either pro or con on that one. That’s not the point. What is the point is learning not to shoot yourself in the foot. When I thought about it, I couldn’t help but develop an image of a bumbling gunfighter, probably a comic character, who’s busy pulling the trigger of six-shooter before his gun has left the holster.
That’s how you shoot yourself in the foot. Problem being, most Aries are prone to do something just like that during these next couple of day. Blame Mars, blame Mercury, but most important, watch yourself. Nothing is worse than seeing a normally adroit Aries, reach for the holster, pull the trigger before the gun’s ever left the leather, and then plant a slug in that Aries foot.
Bad news, all the way around. I don’t have an effective way to deal with this myself, given my Aries line-up in my own chart. It’s not a question of whether or not I’ll be chewing on my feet, it’s mort a question of which foot goes in my mouth first. Couple of hints, if you decide to try something different. Feet taste better with ketchup. A starter pistol fires blanks, and therefore, is a much better tool to practice with. Less likelihood of serious damage to those feet if you use blanks.
Taurus: Texas is situated between New Mexico and Louisiana. New Mexico has some of the hottest “Northern Mexico” style spiced food. Louisiana, after all, is the original home to Tabasco, and they have their own variation on the hot theme. It’s no wonder, stuck between the two extremes, the high desert to the west and the low bayou lands to the east, that our local cuisine takes on its own, special flavor.
Hot. For good or for ill? Depends on where you’re at with this Mercury cycle, I guess. Normally, I have an iron-clad stomach. Normally, so do you. But these aren’t normal times. You might be trying some of the delicacies from the deep Southern confines of the Bayou lands, or you might be getting hooked up with some Hatch [NM] Chili Peppers. Either one, by itself, is a rare treat that shouldn’t be avoided.
The thing to watch out for though is the combined effect of both kinds of food, and maybe toss a little bit of real Texas BBQ on top of that, and you’re starting to see a week that might just make even the most cast iron lined stomach get a little bit upset. It’s just Mercury, and it’s really not that bad. Combining different culinary elements doesn’t bother someone like me, but I don’t have a delicate Taurus composition this week. Your iron lining might be getting a little a rusty, and some restraint might be in order for dealing with Mercury. Or, at the very least, some got antacid.
Gemini: This one just hits you right here, doesn’t it? Since you can’t see me at this point, you can just guess, I’m making gesture towards my solar plexus, and you have to admit, this little Mercury induced period of relatively unstable time, especially for my fine Gemini friends, it gets you right there, doesn’t it. There’s a very serious issue at hand these days, and it’s something you want, no — you need, to address. Problem being, given what Mercury is doing, you’re wound up and talking a mile minute. “A mile a minute? That slow?”
Just about every Gemini that I know can certainly carry on much faster than just one mile for every minute of verbiage generated. Here’s the problem: the rest of us would really like to get a word in, too. We share you thoughts and feelings about this issue that’s so important to your Gemini self. We want to comment as well. Not letting us a get a word in edgewise is not very polite. Personally, I like listening to the ongoing barrage of Gemini words because I do find it highly entertaining. But it’s not me that I’m worried about — it’s you, your Gemini self, and the folks who gather around you. Let them have their say, too. Let us get a word in edgewise, just over the next few days. You’ll be surprised at how that can help — if you’ll just let us work in a word or two.
Cancer: A furrowed brow is called for. Not every Cancer individual will have a set of wrinkles across the forehead, but you know, it’s not a bad idea to concentrate some. Even as this scope is going “live,” there’s an idea, a concept, a single, rather important thought process that’s requiring you to focus. Hence the furrowed brow idea. My little Cancer buddy here, she’s had some of those shots in her forehead that make it impossible for her to actually furrow her brow. Don’t ask me about it; that’s just not my realm, I understand next to nothing about cosmetic surgery. But I d understand worry.
I share in your concern. Deal is this: the harder you concentrate on that one idea, the harder you pursue that one concept, the more attention you give to the most important issue of the moment, the better it gets. I’ve found that trying to focus completely and utterly on just one goal is a waste of my time. But I’m not a Cancer, and I don’t have Saturn doing things to me and my sign. However, some of my more Cancer-like sentiments do understand. I feel the fervor of that furrowed brow. Now, one trick I’ve discovered, while I was patiently working towards one goal, was that I inadvertently found a solution to another problem. The harder you work on that one problem? I’ll suggest you find another answer to a similar, although it might not be directly connected, problem that’s been troublesome.
The Leo: A very married friend of mine was looking for a way to cut costs. What he did was go into his wife’s purse [big mistake if you ask me, but he didn’t] and cut up her credit cards. No more outings to the mall, no more retail therapy. What ensued was not pleasant. What happened was like war. “Hell hath no furry like a wife deprived of her plastic.” I think that’s how the quote goes, but I’m not too sure.
A more moderate approach would surely have been more effective. Or would it? I’m not sure that a more even-keeled attempt to contain costs would have made the same kind of impact as shredded plastic. What eventually happened was my buddy had to get most of those cards re-issued.
But the point is, the point was made. However, as a confidante, I was privy to the fact my buddy was, indeed, “sleeping on the couch” for a few days. Did the plan work? I think so. Budgets were discussed, funds were allocated, deals were cut, and–eventually–harmony was restored. That’s one heck of a way to get point across, though, and I’m not sure the discord was worth the effort. Before you shred the plastic to contain spiraling costs, run the idea over in your Leo mind. Think about it. Maybe don’t go there. Consider some other options. Big statements like shredding all the plastic might result in some very unpleasant retribution. Of course, as a mighty Leo, sometimes you just have to make dramatic gestures. I’m just suggesting that you think about it, first.
(c) 2002, 2003 by Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net
