“Zounds! I was never so bethump’d with words!”
Shakespeare’s King John [II.i.466]
Aries: It’s that time of the year again. I was sitting in a South Austin restaurant the other evening. On the patio. A teenage girl scout was limbering up sales skill. Good gig, catch folks right after they’ve stepped out from some Tex-Mex, right? Get them in that soporific state induced by too many chips, too much salsa, and one too many margaritas? As I watched through the panes of glass, I was thinking the Girl Scout looked pretty gothic. Not in a literary gothic sense, but in a very real “Goth” Goth-look. Might have been a trick of the light. Might’ve been my imagination doing terrible things to my brain. Goth Girl Scout cookies. But that would probably be a good seller. Maybe a cross between Wednesday Addams and the average Girl Scout? It could happen. That kind of marketing could have a very real appeal right here, in Aries land. The trick is, Mars and Venus are both going to wind up in the sign that falls after you before the end of this scope. But the sun and some other planets are still in Pisces. Go easy. I know you want to buy an extra box of those [insert favorite Girl Scout cookie here] but can you really afford it?
Taurus: Mars and Venus are both in Taurus these days. Or will be, at least, for the next foreseeable week, or so. Spot them in the heavens, shortly after sundown. These two guys have tendency to warm things up in marked manner. Makes easygoing Taurus a little warmer. It’s like hot flashes, you know? One minute, everything is okay and the next, there’s a person, or an item, that you just have to have. Venus does that. Mars? He adds some drive to that quest for Taurus excellence. And with both these guys pushing on you like this? Sometimes the rational senses are less than rational. If it’s not one thing, then it’s another, right? Right. Sometimes, it bears repeating a statement two and three times to make sure the data gets across to yourself. Or, it bears repeating two and three times to make sure the message gets across to your target. Right? Right. Got it? Got it. Sure? Sure.
Gemini: Stop still in your tracks and slow it all down. One of my friends was wearing the most attractive and timely T-shirt. Had a picture of cat, napping. The message, in Roman Type, was simple, “Veni–Vidi–Nappi.” I’m not 100% sure that it’s correct Latin grammar. Don’t much care, either, as it was a terribly cute shirt. You are not going to conquer the world. Some of your best-laid Gemini plans will fall apart. “Is it Mercury again?” You’re hollering at me for no reason. Mercury happens to be in Pisces, not that it matters, and no, it’s not Mr. Mercury’s fault. The problem is bigger planets, not much bigger, but still a little larger than just Mercury. Saturn [remember him?] is ahead of Gemini, up yonder in Cancer. Mars and Venus are trailing along behind you, or in the sign that precedes you, in Taurus. You can do a lot with this kind of energy, but the events really do require that your Gemini self be nice and rested up. Might follow the advice of the T-shirt.
Cancer: My Cancer self was feeling mightily burdened by the weight of Saturn. My Cancer self didn’t know what to do. I started working on a technical issue with the little things that plug into the back of the computer here, and one thing lead to another, and I wound up spending the better portion of a Saturday night waiting on software downloads, waiting on upgrades to install themselves, and waiting on system-resources to be resourceful. That’s not an ideal Saturday night. However, by Monday, I had a duplicate set of files, duplicate and backed up set of important records, and almost everything was running smoothly again. Instead of prowling around on the net, instead of going out and making a fool of myself, I spent a Saturday, then on into Sunday, working hard and trying to stay amused while that little cursor was spinning. Was it worth it? Sure. By Monday morning, network was up, running again, smoothly, and like a little champ. What I did was take Saturn’s “taskmaster” energy and put it to work. To be sure, one download went to a machine that only had a slow modem connection. That upgrade took an estimated 7 hours. Good time to take a nap, right? Right. That’s what I did. I set it up when network traffic was slow, around midnight, and let it run while I slept. Worked rather well. You might try a similar way to upgrade the Cancer lifestyle, let the process run while you sleep. Beats sitting there and watching the cursor tick away.
Leo: I keep a couple of old Apple laptop computers lying about as backup units. Plus, I’ve been very careful to make sure that the models I selected to keep had some enduring quality, something special that made this a better computer than others. One of them was blistering fast, clocking in at 16 megahertz. In its day, that was a brilliantly fast machine. My how times have changed. It’s still a pretty cute computer, and I have a ton of nostalgic ties to that one machine. It was the first time that I had to learn how not to duplicate charts, in other words, one set of records in two places. I had to do that the hard way, at first, but I got better and better at the process, refining and improving a filing system that helped me to keep track of over a five thousand charts. In fact, I did most of those 5K worth of charts on that one little keyboard. Awesome machine, for its time. Plus, I managed to get more than three years’ worth of life out of it, a true miracle in this modern age of digitally encoded data. It’s already served its tax purpose, and the only reason I keep it around is for the reminder of where I’ve been. While it may appear that I’m just being tad nostalgic, there’s more at work here. See: there are items you’ve held onto, and as long as both Mars and Venus are in poking along in Taurus, you’re going to wax a little nostalgic, too. But the items you’ve picked to hold onto, are they really worth it? That one machine, I have to take it out from time to time and fire it up, charge the battery, and hope that it all still works. Might want to dust off some Leo memories to see what you’ve got–never hurts to see if the battery will hold a charge.
Virgo: There’s this one kind of that cactus consumes four times its own weight in water. Looks like a barrel, with little thorns all over itself. The inside is just as tender and juicy as a nice, big hamburger. The outside, though, it has this terribly effective shield. Not just long, dangerous-looking spikes, but little ones, too, with nasty barbs. Some of those barbs are certainly stronger–and sharper–than my average fishhook. What’s this have to do with you? Isn’t it obvious? Your Virgo self has been displaying your prickly outside. Tough skin, big, nasty spikes. Nature’s way of protecting herself. Or Virgo’s way of protecting itself. Deal is, that concept of consuming four times your own weight in water? Might not be water you’re drinking–if I were more Virgo it would probably be coffee–but you’re slamming something down at quadruple the usual rate. Not that this is bad, either, just is. However, you might do something to let us know that there really is a tender, succulent inside. Kind of like watermelon, come to think of it. Plus, in some forms of cuisine, cactus is a tender delicacy. It’s getting past the barb that’s important.
Libra: Ever have one of those relationships things hit you straight out of the blue? One minute, you’re sitting there in a quiet corner of the bar, having a drink with an old friend, one who you could be romantically interested in, but due to time constraints, the weather, social positions, and other intangible qualities, you just never “hooked up”? So you’re sitting there, when the other person suddenly gets up, sets herself [could be himself, but I’m thinking about me right now], and she plants a big, frankly erotic kiss on your lips? Never had this happen? It could happen, this next couple of days. There’s a little warning, though, that goes with this. Not that I have any personal experience with this kind of behavior, but starting out a relationship when the two love planets [Mars and Venus] are in a fixed sign [Taurus] means there’s an air permanency about the endeavor. I’ve long maintained that old friends make the best lovers, as there’s already a bond there. But before you embark on this stage of relationship, you might want to consider the long-lasting effects. No reason to ruin a perfectly good, if unrequited, friendship over some deal, be it business or romantic.
Scorpio: Travel trailer walls are pretty thin. So when my next-door neighbor got a new puppy, then hit the streets for Shrove Tuesday, that poor little puppy was abandoned indoors for hours and hours. He started to whine. Then bark. Then cry, like only poor, mistreated animals can. To be honest, that dog is not mistreated at all. Has food. Has love. Has proper attention, most of the time. It was just that one night, and that creature set up such a racket, it could be heard all over the trailer park. I missed a lot of my own beauty rest because of this. I accosted my neighbor about this dog situation. Her Scorpio self was none too understanding because, after all, she wasn’t here to hear the racket. But I did politely inform her that the next time her new dog set up and made a racket like that, and the next time it caused me to lose sleep, I was going to batter down the door, grab the offending pooch, and off I would be to sell this dog to a local, eastside tacqueria. I suppose I could make an ethnic joke about certain groups who consider dog to be a delicate and piquant source of meat, but I don’t know any places locally that do that. However, I do know a local taco stand and I’ve always suspected that the dog would be a welcome addition. Okay, so I was just having fun at the owner’s expense about that part, but I was seriously upset. Made a point. Only now, I’m labeled as some kind of barbaric dog-hater. Which is patently false. Dog’s only good in the right sauce. Look: you’ve got to be careful with humor, and when you’re trying to make a point. Not everyone understands.
Sagittarius: I picked up a new cell phone the other day. Nothing too fancy, no big change. Nothing too tiny, either, but this does make me wonder about the way technology is gong these days. Ever seen one of those new phones? About the size of an old-fashioned matchbox? Flips open to a hi-resolution screen that’s really good if you wear glasses? Technology, where would be without it? So I get the phone, and I unwrap all the packaging, then I was about throw away the instruction manual, but I thought to myself, “Self, you silly Sagittarius, Mars is in Taurus.” I carefully put up the instruction manual and left it someplace where I could refer back to it. Which I needed to almost immediately. The battery cover didn’t just slip right off, not like I thought it should, and seeing as how it was a new phone and all, I figured maybe, just this once, I’d at least glance at the instructions before playing with the new toy. Good thing, there was a simple trick to sliding the battery door open, then there was another hitch, too. The battery needed to be charged for 24 hours before I could activate the phone. That was some major suckage. Somewhere along the line, perhaps a salesperson or a website, they forgot to inform me that I was supposed to wait and let the phone charge before I was able to use it. Bummer, man. Which all worked out okay, I mean, it took me that long to sort through the instructions to figure out which button was the “on” switch. Never hurts to occasionally glance through the instructions.
Capricorn: Me and a buddy were in a big “super store,” the kind of place that stretches for miles and miles, or acres and acres, to eschew any hyperbole. Behind one counter, a young female form of obviously Asian-American descent caught my buddy’s eye. He lifted an eyebrow, salivating, at least, metaphorically. When the young lass stepped away from the counter, she was wearing knee-high fuzzy things. At first, my buddy was upset. He thought this was just so much more evidence that someone was busy peddling some kind of “retro-crap” [his words] because the leggings resembled leg-warmers from an era that might be best left in the past. A more refined observation, though, would reveal that they weren’t retrofit “leg-warmers” but, in fact, Japanese socks. Or Korean socks. Or some culture that I’m not terribly familiar with. One of those. It was current fashion from someplace besides Texas. Upset Bubba’s world, but personally, I kind of liked it. Who was brave enough to wear just such attire? Capricorn. Of course I inquired, like I always do. This doesn’t mean that you have to rush out and acquire the latest fashion item of the moment. But it does indicate that your Capricorn tastes are a little more cutting-edge than usual. Just be careful, though, in case you run into one of my buddies who figures you’re wearing retrofit fashions. Not everyone understands the sublime as well as your Capricorn self does.
Aquarius: Nothing’s worse than going 90 miles hour down a dead-end street. Sounds like familiar lyric, doesn’t it? On the one hand, you’re all-fired up. On the other hand, you’re too busy with work to enjoy yourself. On the third hand, wait, don’t look at me funny, all of us Aquarius types sport extra appendages. It’s the way we’re all wired. Anyway, on that third hand of yours, there’s still more deeds that are summoning you towards a date with destiny. Worse thing happened, the other week, I booked a reading and a contract closing for a Saturday morning. That wasn’t bad. One fishing buddy called me up and asked what I was doing early Saturday morning. Work. Two jobs. Busy as could be. “But the long-range forecast looked good for fishing–I’ll be thinking about you while I’m on the lake.” I had some choices, see, I could’ve scrambled around and changed all the plans just to go fishing. Done that before. Moved everything else to another day. Lots of options here. But then, look at the work it would take, too, like calling everyone up, changing the closing date, rearranging schedules, and it was hard enough to get everyone together, just as it was. Nope, some days, it’s just best to say, “Wish I was going,” instead of trying to make everything fit.
Pisces: Trailer decorating tip: pink goes well with dark wood paneling. For a place like mine, with its walls already painted white to cover the hideous panel color, pink doesn’t work so well. Besides, too much of that washed out red color offends my delicate MALE sensibilities. But it might work for the more delicate Pisces. Something to offset the effect of the “I’m one year older” blues you might be having. Quite a colorful combination of elements to deal with, yes? Happy birthday. Things are hot in your world, and it’s just going to stay that way. Don’t argue with the way things are, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Think about that color combination, too. I found another tip, for Pisces home decorating, a suggestion of using brown and orange to set the colors off. While that might be more my style, I’m not sure that such a jarring color combination would be quite right for your delicate Pisces sensibilities. What’s with all the color? You’re redecorating, or thinking about it, and these are questions that pop up. Think about soothing color combinations, too, and maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the best week to actually get out there with your glue gun. Just a thought–one Shady Acres’ neighbor just uses that glue gun to attach pictures to the wall.
