“Where have you been these two days loitering?”
Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona [IV.iv.44]
Aries: Happy birthday baby. What a cool little birthday thing you’ve got going on. You do, don’t you? Of course you do. Dinner someplace nice, a friend or two, life should be swell. That opening quote from The Two Gentlemen of Verona, howsoever, does pose a good question. Or maybe a little direction. Look: it is the official Aries birthday time, and like any good Aries, you should be celebrating. The kicker in here, that little catch, is out of the whole seven days there’s going to be a day or two when you want to disappear. Or do disappear. Or wished that you had disappeared. Out of seven days, if I do the math right, that makes for two days gone, and five days worth of celebratory type activities. The odds, in the long run, look good. Consider, too, that Mr. Mercury is backsliding and as such, he’s going to cause a problem or three. Sometimes, folks can’t miss you unless you take off for a little while. As one ex was so fond of telling me, “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?”
Taurus: I worked with one individual–for years and years–and I wouldn’t typify him as “bitter,” per se, but he did have a certain brittle overtone to much of his life. He had a saying, I wonder if it’s famous now, that suggested, “Love is a cruel hoax perpetrated by an angry and vengeful god.” Strong words, indeed. Plus, hearing his version of the delivery made it even better, as he would affect a slightly ironic tone with very dry delivery. You could hear the sarcasm dripping. See: love and romantic interests are a big deal to Taurus in the ensuing days and weeks. Plus, there’s that problem with your target not responding the way your Taurus self would like them to react. It can make you a little bitter. The problem with bitterness, though, is to not let the bitter overtones infect everything. Plus, like my one buddy and his quote, that sort of talk is bound to get you in trouble. While I might laugh at your comments, I’m not sure that everyone will understand the sarcasm and inherent irony.
Gemini: “The stars hate us.” I can hear my Gemini litany of complaints already. If I were to describe the actual actions of the planets, in my school of thinking, Mars and Venus are in Gemini while Mr. Mercury is backtracking, along with the Sun in Aries. No, the Sun doesn’t go retrograde, but Mercury does. This means, on the “lake of love” in Gemini land, the wind is whipping one direction, and the current is pulling another direction. I see this often, from my fabulous riverfront trailer park, in downtown Austin. The current goes in one direction, but the waves from the gentle zephyrs are pushed in another direction. Can be confusing. To be honest, in the example in front of my place, there’s usually not much current. The “lake” flows at something like maybe 10,000 cubic feet per day, so there’s not a lot of pull. But I did have one Gemini friend look at the river, and point in a north westerly direction, and he just assumed, since the waves were going that way, that it was the direction of the current, too. Nope. Water, last time I checked, usually flows downhill. Might remember that, as the week’s set of circumstances make everything look confusing.
Cancer: How are you doing, and I mean, literally, how are you doing? Before you dash off a quick note to me, stop. Think about it. What’s up with where you are? I realize that the rent might be a little late, but it will get paid. I understand that the cupboard might appear a little bare, but there are enough foodstuffs in there to last through the end of the week. A combination of influences is ganging up on your psyche these days. It’s not without hope. Sure, there will be an unexpected delay, at the worst possible time, but I was thinking about the check I mailed to Mr. Landlord [slumlord might be a better term]. He got mightily upset that the check wasn’t there last week, on the first of the month. He called me, letting me know he wanted his rent money. “All ready mailed you the check, and unless you want to subtract the cancelled check fee from your rent, that’s my story, and I’m sure the postal carrier will bear me out.” I get a call, a few days later, and it’s that slumlord again, pestering me about that rent money again. Bummer. I just ignored the call–I hate a shouting match with Mr. Landlord. This week, the check got here, and the postmark on the check’s envelope was the first of the month. My obligation, your Cancer obligations have been fulfilled.
Leo: I met a client for a reading. He slipped into the restaurant’s booth opposite me, and I was immediately hungry. He smelled–powerful, overwhelming aroma–of tortilla chips. Baked, fried, cooked, greased, the fragrant, somewhat pungent smell permeated his immediate vicinity. Fortunately, in portions of the world that I frequent, ordering up a basket of chips and hot sauce is not a challenge. I’m of the school of thought that chips and salsa are a right, not an option. Your Leo self is going to have a similar effect on people. Some unsuspecting person gets around you, and immediately that person begins to salivate, yearning for something. Could be the fragrant aroma of chips. Could be your natural Leo pheromones. Could be a combination of the Sun’s forward motion versus the Mercury’s backwards trajectory in Aries. That’s my guess. The good news is that you do have this effect on people. The bad news? You might be affecting people you don’t really want to excite, like that astrologer. I mean, that cook guy? He only hired me for a reading, not a romantic interlude. Be careful, it’s easy to misunderstand certain implications.
Virgo: I know, you know this feeling. It’s like watching the boat, with “Game Warden” lettered on its side, slide across the calm lake’s waters. Headed for you. Your Virgo self think, “But I didn’t do anything wrong.” You didn’t. This is a just a routine check to make sure that you have your fishing permit. You do have your fishing license, don’t you? Of course you do, you’re the Virgo in the boat, you’re always prepared. Mercury does funny things to your head, though, and it could be that you forgot something. My Virgo fishing buddy, he’s got it down to a science, though, his up-to-date fishing license rides in his tackle box. Smart move. Never have to guess where anything is. There’s an odd boating regulation in Texas, boats over a certain size have to carry, not only life preservers, but a floatation device, as well. Usually, this can take the form of a colorful cushion that has two straps, and it has to float. Yes, this is an odd regulation, but I’m sure it was put in by some politically-inspired person who meant well. So, as long as Mercury is backwards like this, you do have your proper, up-to-date permit, but do have the correct floatation device? I hope so. The local authority figure will be checking on you shortly.
Libra: Libra Half-Birthdays are upon us. With a vengeance. Stop, look, listen. Before you dash off a note to me, or any other person at this point in your Libra life, follow my guidelines for dealing with these types of influences. Stop, look, listen. Mr. Mercury is backing down into Aries, and the Sun is opposite you in Aries, again, as well. Between those two singular influences, this is a lot like messing around with the fast forward and fast reverse button on a VCR. Not a DVD player, either, but a plain old tape player. See, tapes can stretch, and after repeated usage, they can get worn out in spots. Plus the tracking on the heads of the player don’t want to line up properly. Problems, problems. There’s that one favorite scene you’d like to back up to, or there’s that one time when a character says something, and you want to verify that quote. As you hit the rewind button, though, nothing seems to work right. The half-birthday event, that’s a great time to stop, look, and listen. See how far you’ve come in the last six months, then see how too plot a course for the next six months. Mercury is flip-flopping around. Good time to shut up and observe. Conserve your valuable Libra words of wisdom.
Scorpio: I know this one Scorpio, and she has an amazing filing system. We were digging around trying to locate an old deed, or a maybe it was a title to the truck. I don’t recall. She held up a financial statement from an insurance company, “I always keep this sort of thing [finance] in ‘personnel,’ makes it easier to locate.” Reminds me of an antiquated electronic address book I kept, wherein I sorted the listings by first name. Just different, not bad, not good, just not ordinary. Filing systems are only half of it, but that’s the important half. It’s not where you tuck your precious Scorpio assets away, it’s the breadcrumbs that you leave as markers for your trail back. Make sure some well-meaning person doesn’t come along and sweep up those breadcrumbs, you know, like have a Virgo tidy up behind you. Or have someone try to straighten out your files for you. While that filing system might not make sense to some of us, that doesn’t matter. As long as your Scorpio self knows where everything is, that’s all that matters.
Sagittarius: Crap. I looked at our chart and that’s all I could think. I like to look in the sunny side of life. I prefer to see the upside of most situations. I like being [stupidly] optimistic all the time. Mr. Mercury backs down into Aries. Not a good omen for me, or about 80% of the Sagittarius folks I know. Miss Venus is in Gemini, not a wonderful location, and to make the whole mess a little more fraught with tension, Mr. Mars, that evil little harbinger of trouble and strife [rhymes with ex-wife]? He’s meandering along in Gemini as well. It’s just not looking really good. I was going to curl up into a fetal position, under the desk, but the cat kept bumping into me. She wanted food. I opened a can of her special diet food, and I promptly sliced my finger on the pull-top lid. Mars, bloody Mars. Get the impression I’m not happy? At least the cat’s happy, and she’s a Sagittarius, too. The heat from Mars is going to set a tone, and as much as I would like to hide out, that’s just not going to work. Grab the proverbial bull by the horns, and hit this thing running, maybe even literally. Just about everyone–and everything–is conspiring against us. Since you can run, but you can’t hide, maybe being fully accountable would help. Show up and take our licks. Or cuts, as in my example.
Capricorn: I was riding on public transportation, mass transit style, and as I was motoring along, I had this wonderful concept of a metaphor and analogy that would have been just so perfect Capricorn. Right now. Today. Right here. The perfect balance of myth and metaphor, with some practical advice thrown in for good measure. By the time I arrived at my destination, I completely forgot what I was thinking. I knew I had a thought, several, in fact, but I didn’t jot anything down. I didn’t write a note on my hand, or the magazine I was reading, or anything. What a missed opportunity. What was I thinking? We’ll never know. When mercury goes backward like this, and when you consider just where its backwards path started, I’m pretty sure–rather optimistic–that your Capricorn self is going to come up with some mighty good ideas. Don’t follow my example and trust your brain to remember your important solutions to problems. Might not be the best time to implement those solutions, but I’m pretty sure your inventive and humorous mind will come up with a good deal on how to fix something. Just do us both a favor and scribble it down some place where you won’t forget it.
Aquarius: Those “sweet as a honey” lips of your aren’t doing a very good job these days. The kissing part doesn’t seem to work and the rhetoric part doesn’t seem to work. You’re certainly communicating, that’s the good news, but what you’re trying to say, and what is really coming across are two different messages. Think back, remember what it was like in high school? Braces? Remember that those orthodontic devices made for socially awkward moments of intimacy? It’s just like that, real or imagined. The sense is that there’s an awkward moment or two, but sooner–or later–hormones, desire, physical yearning, one of those, sooner or later, something like that kicks in, and the moment of feint, peck, play is over. You might miss on the first try. Giggle. You might miss on the second try. Laugh a little. You might miss on the third try. Sigh. But the fourth time? Bingo. Just what those Aquarius lips wanted all along. Might take a little longer than you anticipate for the message to get across, but it will.
Pisces: I got an e-mail last week, “Hey Kramer, is Mercury retrograde? Sure feels like it!” From a Pisces, no less. No, not from that Pisces, but another person of the Pisces persuasion. My response? “Indeed, yes, Mr. Mercury is going backwards.” Our little fleet-of-foot winged-messenger has turned into a vile little prankster. Some of these practical jokes would be funny, at any other time. These days? Not amusing. Keep that in mind as you go banging your sweet Pisces forehead into obstacle after obstacle. It’s not you. It is them. It is the folks on the other end who just fail to understand the urgency, the pragmatic problems, the situation that requires their assistance. For a while I complied many amusing “Mercury is backwards” stories. Some were wryly funny, albeit a bit droll. Others were not so amused. My mother comes to mind. While you’re recounting your troubles with the Mercury missteps, consider that anything you submit here is fair game for publication. Do you really want to publicize the mistakes? Careful how yuo answer that question….
