“Hasty marriage seldom proveth well.”
Shakespeare’s Henry V [IV.i.18]
Aries: I got up the other morning, thinking it was cool out because I’d slept with the windows open. While I wasn’t exactly shivering, it was cooler than usual. I stepped into the kitchenette to prepare morning coffee, setting some water to boil, putting out some cat food, and then getting ready to grind up some beans. The coffee beans were all stuck together in the jar. I tapped the side of the glass, and way too many beans tumbled out in a big clump, spilling over the edge of the grinder. I was instantly angry. But look: stop and think, do I need to be upset because I didn’t handle the coffee beans right? I should be kind of glad, you know, I didn’t do anything stupid with hot water. I didn’t sear anything, yet. I scooped some of the beans back into the grinder, and I left the mess for a minute while I continued with the morning ritual. I was, to be honest, cursing quietly at myself for being asleep at the helm when I created my mess. Who’s to blame? No one but the cat. And that doesn’t stick to her. No, it was all really my fault. The next morning, though, after having to clean up my own mess, when I got up to make coffee, I was much more careful. I can save you from making mistakes these days, if you’ll just watch out. Could be something as simple as spilling beans.
Taurus: A famous actor once suggested that he would have, “Nothing stronger than Gin before breakfast.” Great idea. I just have this mental image of my excellent Taurus friend, burbling quietly and happily, around 8 in the morning, basically incoherent. You know how it is when nothing seems to work out correctly? That’s what it looks like to me. No matter what you do, there’s just a silly, amusing, sense that you seem to have about it all. Regrettably, you’re not like that seasoned alcoholic actor, and the comment, as well as others, like “Beer, it’s not just for breakfast anymore” don’t always go over. You understand the sentiment, though? You get the image? The problem has to do with astrological houses. Although, in many cases, I’m sure my Taurus friend will complain that it really is her house, not the astrology houses. Venus, the planet associated with Taurus, is doing a number in the house that comes after Taurus. Translation? Everything you touch seems to fall apart. That’s a problem. The suggestion of drinking excessively to help deal with the problems? I can’t say that I recommend it. “I tried to drown my troubles, but the little suckers learned to swim.” Running away from the troubles, for a little while, might be a quick, easy, short-term solution.
Gemini: I was responding to an email about the current disposition of Venus, and in that note, all I could come up with was that the Venus situation was promising to be a real “humdinger” of a retrograde. “That’s a technical word from the astrology lexicon, you know, ‘humdinger,’ means that this is going to be a supremely weird time,” I went on to explain. There are a couple of factors that relate to this, but mostly, I’m concerned with matters of the Gemini heart. Love. Relationships. Pretty boyfriends and pretty girlfriends. Obsessions. Bad news. Break-ups. Distraught, heart-broken individuals. Let’s look at that long litany of complaints, then let’s blame it all on one planet. Then, let’s look at what you can do to deal with this trouble. There was a lunar pattern, started this week, then, Venus is backwards in your sign. Just because a situation appears one way, and that situation evokes a strong feeling, that doesn’t mean that the situation, or that the usually very good Gemini perceptions, are correct. I’m not asking, no, I’m begging my Gemini friends not to do anything drastic over the next couple of weeks. You’re going to run into a major conflagration wherein a situation appears one way, when, in fact, it really is something completely different. Wait. Turn over the all the evidence before rendering a decision. That normally lightening fast Gemini thinking might get a few details confused. Blame Venus, if you must.
Cancer: I was dating this one woman, and she had two lovely daughters. When we first started dating, me being a typical guy and all, this one woman insisted that the two offspring from a previous marriage were conceived by immaculate conception. I’m just a vain enough guy to buy into that story. What later happened is that one of the daughters burst my bubble. She had long, sordid stories about her parents, all told with that wide-eyed innocence of a child. The kid, probably didn’t mean to do anything malicious, but the way she told her version of the stories, left me a little unsettled. I’m suggesting, after looking at Mars and Saturn, exacerbated by Jupiter, and the not-so-subtle shift of the Sun into Gemini, all of this adds up to some revelations. Like a teenager popping up with some discomfiting disclosures. Remember that you’re dealing with someone who might have his or her own agenda in telling your Cancer self these stories. Remember that the narrator has not been deemed reliable. Consider the source. Consider that imagination is possibly running a little astray. Finally, consider that you might be laboring under a false impression, too. Wide-eyed innocence is pretty dubious. Id’ be a little careful about what information you receive. What I’d be most careful with, though, is how you deal with denial. For me? I stick to denial.
Leo: Slow it down, take it easy, take a load off, make life a little more simple for yourself. No sooner do I suggest that a particular Leo “make life a little more simple for herself,” than she mails me a long list of “to do” items that absolutely have to be accomplished in order to make her life simple. That’s missing the whole point of taking it easy and trying to simplify your lifestyle. What I’m suggesting is a few minutes alone, a few moments of your precious Leo time spent looking at what’s important. Look at what’s most important. Look at your prime goal. The rest? It’s just filler. Sometimes, that filler material is important. Other times, like weeks just like this? That stuff in your life that fills in the extra minutes of everyday? That needs to be looked at, and possibly tossed. In a hurry. Last time it rained, the river in front of Shady Acres swelled up with trash. Paper cups, newspapers, plastic bags, leaves, branches, a club house, just all kinds of stuff. So when I suggest tossing stuff that doesn’t belong, it’s not the same thing as just tossing stuff out the window and letting the rain wash it into my creek. Think about recycling, not just flipping that over-sized drink cup out the window.
Virgo: I was watching a potato fryer make long, curly fries at an outdoor event. Kind of fun to watch, and I suppose that was part of the reason the food items cost so much. Part of the appeal was watching the show of making the fries. There was a circular saw type of thing, and it sliced a single potato all up into a long, spiral string, and then the whole mess was flash fried for a few moments, and then it was all served up with a plop of “secret sauce” smeared across the top. That secret sauce? I’m guessing it was an inorganic form of mayonnaise, perhaps with a secret ingredient like ketchup, added for color and flavor. But good. All good. As I watched, somewhat intrigued by the whole process, I realized that the booth’s layout was less than optimal. The sauce was too far out of reach, the potatoes were in the back, and the curling iron/slicer was awkwardly positioned. Took two people to do what one person could’ve done. Well, obviously this is an arrangement that was not designed or implemented by a Virgo.
Libra: Hydrilla is a pernicious and obnoxious problem on the local lakes. It’s basically a water weed. There are signs up these days extolling the virtues of making sure no hydrilla is wrapped around your propeller when you leave the lake because, being a weed and all, that stuff will grow anywhere, if it gets back in fresh water. Hydrilla is nasty, too. It can grow up to four inches in a single day, in clear water. It started out, a mere three decades ago, as an ornamental aquarium plant. Once it escaped into the wilds, though, it’s just become a wicked nuisance. Look: in fact, look at the bottom of your boat, after you pull it out of the lake, make sure no tendril, tubers or shoots of hydrilla are wrapped up around some part of the Good Ship Libra. Do your bit, as much as you can, to help prevent the spread of some heinous, obnoxious weed. See: this is an action that shouldn’t take you more than a moment or two, and then, before you go and let that stuff wander off to infect some other lake, just a quick, almost cursory glance will help stop the infestation from growing. Make sure the infection doesn’t come from your boat. Just an extra glance at the bottom, that might be all it takes.
Scorpio: Ma Wetzel was visiting for a business trip or something. I never have figured out all the in-and-out details of her travel arrangements, and like the old TV line suggests, “The secretary will disavow any knowledge of your activities….” Means neither travel agent nor secretary can keep up with the why, how or where. Which can be frightening, to some, to consider a little Scorpio lady bumping around the state, with certain destinations unknown. Being the dutiful son and all, I offered her the same commodious accommodations I’m offered when I’m in her town: the couch. Or, more accurately, the futon. Last week, she had the funniest response, “I am not sleeping on that crouton.” Which, of course, is one of the reasons I live in trailer smaller than Ma Wetzel’s closet. Prevents anyone from trying to stay too long. That “crouton,” though, it’s a comfortable place to sleep. And ‘chez Kramer’ has another advantage, too: it’s cheap. So, unless you’re really adverse to sleeping on a crouton, when the opportunity arises, take the cheapest way out. It’s a “Venus is backwards” kind of thing.
Sagittarius: I’ve got one overdue check that a client has repeatedly told me, “It’s in the mail.” Sure, like I’m going to fall for that line again. So off I went, on the day when I figured the post office would deliver that missing batch of money, and I did a reading, got paid with a check and I detoured to deposit that check in the bank, on the way to a favorite swimming hole. Much later, upon returning to my humble abode, I did find that the aforementioned check, was, actually in the mail. Although, it did arrive about three weeks late. Way it goes in the world of high finance and non-electronic funds’ transfers. The lesson? If I hadn’t gone out of my way to make a deposit earlier, then the check wouldn’t have been in the mail. This is a pretty typical scenario, and the more astute Sagittarius reader will under that it’s an immutable rule of the universe, which governs such events. So I found it necessary to go to the bank twice. While that makes the bank balance happy, and the landlord happier, it also offers a good example of what happens when Venus is backwards. Sometimes, it takes two tries in order to get all the goals accomplished.
Capricorn: Old style motorboats had these fantastic-looking outboard motors. Sporting little wings and fins, much like the cars of a “rocket ship era” gone by. Really cool looking gear, if you ask me. The problem? Those old motors weren’t very powerful, not compared to some of the scary-fast boats these days. However, those little two-stroke motors made the most satisfying noise, throttle was kind of funny, it was a twist grip on the tiller. Yes, I’ve operated one before. Yes, the little motor makes a noise that sounds just like your Capricorn self does these days, “But but but…” That’s the problem. You’re running — headlong — into a scenario where no one will take the time to listen to your side of the story. What makes this a lot worse, it feels like no one is willing to grasp the delicate intricacies of why what happened when it happened. I feel your Capricorn pain. No, really. I do. I understand. But before you write me with paragraph after paragraph, explaining how some particular person doesn’t understand what you meant when said something, how an off-the-cuff remark was wrongly taken, and how all this mess resulted from a simple misunderstanding, try understanding this: Venus. Backwards. Mars aligns with Saturn. None of this adds up to a good time. Doesn’t have to be bad, but watch it. If you see a place where a long explanation is necessary, maybe you don’t want to go there in the first place.
Aquarius: “I can’t believe you left me backstage!” One of my little Aquarius friends was working an event, and my only appointed task was to make sure volunteers got to where they were supposed to be. Her post was the backstage gate, and that meant, sitting in the sun, lounging, turning away anyone who didn’t have an “all areas” access badge. Pretty simple. So the comment was a little more dramatic sounding than the actual arrangement. But it sounded good. At work, or at play, which is work, like the volunteer job, you’re going to get a chance for a perfect one-liner. A perfect foil will appear, and no one, at least no decent Aquarius, will pass up a chance to lob that one line out there. When that one Aquarius posited her statement, I got an elbow in the ribs, a guffaw, and at least one little girl was upset, “How could you? Those band guys, those musicians, they’re just heathens!” Shock. Dismay. Underlying it all? Humor. There’s also a chance that your Aquarius self is just like me, in the same situation. There is no right answer. There is no snappy comeback. So if you’re not the one with the funny, slightly sarcastic comment, then you’re the foil. Play it properly. Do like I did, and play the straight man.
Pisces: I went fishing a couple of days ago. The pre-dawn morning was cool, almost to the point of being crisp. Not so cold that I wanted to have on long pants, but close enough. However, as soon as the boat eased off its plane, as soon we tilted the big Mercury up, and dropped the trolling motor in, the coolness wore off. Day warmed up nicely, with just a few puffy clouds overhead. Good call, on my part, not bothering with long pants. It’s all a matter of how you look at what’s coming up. Mars and Saturn wind up really close to each other. Watch for them, right after sunset, chasing after the setting sun. What’s that do to you? You’ll be like me, shivering a little, or, maybe not shivering, but thinking that it might be cold, but Mars? He’s hot. No sooner do you think it’s cold than the Sun, or Mars, comes along and warms the day up. The trick? After a cool morning with not a lot of fish, I was getting irritated. I took to calling the fishing, trying to taunt them, “Here fishy fishy fishy…” Didn’t work. Fortunately, the witness didn’t laugh too loud at my antics. When nothing seems to work right? When it seems like it’s really getting to be too hot in your sign? That’s when a little dry humor is called for. Try it. One of the best baits in my tackle box.
