“It is a bawdy planet”
Shakespeare’s The Winters Tale [I.ii.201]
Aries: My old voice mail system only had enough space for 30 seconds worth of incoming messages per call. Although two different phone numbers were slaved to that system, it still didn’t have a lot room for messages. It was a simple, “leave me a number” kind of a deal. Invariably, I’d get these long, rambling messages from folks just like your Aries self, under these kind of astrological conditions. The first message would be about the situation, the first name, maybe the first name of the other person, then a running commentary, and then a few comments about those comments. No phone number. No identifying characteristics. Then there would be a second a message, with a little more data, but again, no call back number. Then there would be a third message, with the call back number, and correction on the time of birth for one of the charts involved in the previous messages. You might not be calling an astrologer for a reading this week, although, it wouldn’t hurt, and you might not be trying to reach some author, but again, that wouldn’t hurt either. But instead of leaving long messages full of details that might — or might not — be necessary for the receiving party, stop and think: is all that data really necessary? Keep it short. Leave a call back number, as requested. Makes it all go a lot smoother, and it’s certainly better communications when you get to talk to a live person. Machines are notorious for losing data, “Didn’t you get my message about what was going on?”
Taurus: Over the years, the wires for the computer have gotten more and more tangled. There’s a power cable. A video cable now. Sound system with little satellite speakers, a CD burner, different hubs that peripheral devices all plug into, and in one case, a hub plugged into another hub. Complicated mess. There’s a DSL modem, a dead DSL modem, a dead cable modem, and an unused phone line, all still hanging on, and all of this hardware has wires. Wires everywhere. I got a great idea, I was going to unplug everything, unplugged at Shady Acres, and then I was going to reassemble the mess in a much more orderly fashion. I got to digging around in the mess behind the desk, though, and I gave up. I did find a couple of power supply transformers that weren’t plugged into anything. Not into a wall outlet — power strip, really — or any device on the desk. Just wires and little black boxes, crowded into a space that was already overcrowded. The idea of cleaning up the wires was a great idea, but after I looked into tackling the job, I realized that this was task of mythic proportions, much like Hercules and the Stygian Stables. I’m not a mythic person of great strength. While diverting the flow of the river through my trailer is a novel concept, I just don’t see that happening. Besides, from what I know about physics, water and electrical stuff just don’t mix well. If you’re going to attempt a project like this, I’d advise a little caution. Plus, although you figure it should only take an hour or two, at the most? It might take a lot longer to straighten out those snarls of wires.
Gemini: I was doing a reading for a favorite Gemini, the other afternoon. I was pretty sure that none of what I was saying was getting through. She had that vacant look in her eyes. You know that look? Lights are on, but the resident has stepped out? The front porch appears to be empty? Insert you favorite metaphor here? Got that? Looking deep into those blues eyes, I was sure that I just wasn’t getting through. I lobbed in another phrase, “and as Venus gets past this point with Pluto, you’ll discover that I really am the messiah.” Then I continued on. I paused a few minutes later, drew a great big breath, and she started in, “Good stuff with the reading and all, but I’m not sure you’re really the messiah. You just pulling my leg? If not, I’ll expect you to walk home by crossing the river without using a bridge or getting wet.” The point is clear, I hope, your Gemini self might look like you’re not paying much attention. Doesn’t mean that at least part of that Gemini computer isn’t paying attention, though. When someone throws a quick checkpoint in there, too, don’t be afraid to verbally riposte in your own style. And remember, too, that Venus influence can make you a look a little vacuous these days. Expect folks to underestimate your mental capacity.
Cancer: A buddy of mine, and his sobriquet is not “bubba,” started having some fun by making up titles to “triple X” movies. There was a fair sprinkling of barnyard names, too, and references to body parts, and midgets. And clowns. If I recall, no ethnic minority, or majority, was left untouched by the name game. It was all in good fun, never intended to hurt, and frankly, most of the names, unless the reader was aware of the reference point, could seem to be a little innocuous. Given the recent astrological influences in your sign, what kind of “triple x” movie name would you give your own life? (“Big Bubba does Bastrop” comes to mind.)
Leo: I was listening to a young Leo, as she described various antics and recent adventures she was having. These all had to do with relative planets, and I was busy trying to correlate past data with what the current chart revealed. Easiest way to chart future implications. In a chart, each symbol represents a certain kind of energy, and how that energy expresses itself varies. That Leo then gave me the best line I’ve heard in a while, “I’m different, just like all my friends.” She kept on going, oblivious to my smirk. I looked like I was checking something on another chart, but I was busy jotting down that line. I want to remember it. But yes, my dear Leo, you are different. The only problem with being different, and better, than everyone else is that the planets are conspiring to make you stick out, but maybe not in a way that want to stick out. Attention is always good, but sometimes, it’s unwanted attention. I’d suggest a modicum of caution before opening your Leo mouth. Never can tell who’s taking notes.
Virgo: I got behind on some of my work the other day. I was trying to figure out how to finish writing this one horoscope column, and I kept getting interrupted every 3 minutes with a flashing “incoming mail” message. I’d stop looking at the chart (Jupiter in Virgo, Mars & Saturn in Cancer, Venus RX in Gemini), and I’d type a quick retort to the messages, then I’d go back to the chart (Uranus in Pisces, Neptune in Aquarius). As soon as I got coherent thought train, I’d get derailed by the “incoming message” notification. This can be frustrating. This can cause all kinds of inner turmoil and angst as I kept thinking it was getting late, and I had appointments to keep. “And miles to go before I sleep.” I came up with a novel solution. I quit (exited) the email program. No more flashing notices, no more beeps, buzzes, or vibrations. I’m sure that my mail server is currently getting inundated with messages. Some are important, some are from readers with valid questions. Some are paying clients — always a top priority. There’s a message here: remove the obstruction. Turn off the device that’s annoying you with interruptions. Granted, some of you can’t turn off the boss, but you can take some step to minimize unnecessary interruptions.
Libra: I was checking a play list on the computer, just about to burn a CD, and I was listening to the music. Techno. I got up to get some coffee, and I was bouncing along, doing my imitation of rave dancing, and I realized that if I pogo’ed in a certain spot, in the middle of the trailer, my mass, accelerating a constant 9.8 meters per second (squared), would cause the walls on either side to bow in, just a fraction of an inch. I had to test this new theory a few times, just to see if it worked. The cat just watched with her eyes wide open. She didn’t move. Some of my antics don’t seem to leave her perturbed at all. But I thought it was pretty cool. A little later, though, I started to realize that too much of this up and down action, in the center of the trailer’s living room, that would probably have serious consequences. Structural consequences. Like, maybe a hole in the floor? Never can tell with old trailers. Without actually crawling around and looking, I can’t say for sure, but I think there’s two I-beams, and the place I was jumping up and down? Might be a weak spot. Nothing but floorboard and skin. Although watching the walls bend inward was kind of entertaining for a minute or two, I’m not sure I want to explore this weakness. When my Libra friend shows up next week, I’m not sure that I want to explore this weakness with her, either. While she might find amusing like I did, at least, at first, continuing to do bounce in the living room might not be a good idea.
Scorpio: I was supposed to, after thoroughly examining the Scorpio charts, discuss monetary matters this week. Can’t do it. Got way too much mail that has to do with Scorpio relationship issues. I had to spin the charts around and look at them a little differently. Still, money seemed pretty important to me. But I’ll weigh this in other lights, too. See: Little Miss Venus, when she goes backwards, she trashes relationship stuff. Doesn’t apply to everyone, only about 73% of the population. And even then, her little antics? They affect different folks, different signs, in different ways. What seems to be a recurring theme is that Scorpio mates are not behaving in a consistent manner. Bless my Scorpio friends, as they, at the very least, are nice and predictable. What’s upsetting, though, is having to go back and look at my conclusions in a little different way. I still think it has to do with money, but the only folks complaining are complaining about non-Scorpio mates who don’t want to do what is obviously the best choice. I can’t make those non-Scorpio people sit up and listen, but I can make a suggestion? Give them a little bit of extra time to see the error of their ways, and give that stupid Miss Venus a chance to correct herself. Which still doesn’t address the issue of your Scorpio self receiving some money this next couple of days, but like I’ve suggested, that’s apparently not as important as the other issues.
Sagittarius: I’d been out to visit family, a couple of weeks ago, and I was traveling light. I had little pack with a change of shirts, some toiletries, and a portable computer plus the phone. I was trying to make the whole trip on just one charge with that phone. Didn’t quite work that way. Close, but not quite. The flight was late, and when I arrived and switched the phone back on, the battery was almost dead. I made a quick call to let the folks know I got home all right, and the phone died, halfway through the conversation. That resulted in a brief moment of frustration. For just a second I felt like giving that phone a good heave. Nothing could be more viscerally satisfying than giving a cell phone a good chunk out the window. The evil thought that danced through my mind was that, after all, it had been a free phone with the service, so it wouldn’t have any financial ramifications, at least not on my part. Just call up the company, get another phone. So much for Sagittarius fantasy land. “What happened to our phone?” It just flew out the window? Don’t think they’d buy that. After I got over the battery issue, though, I just shoved the phone back in a pocket. Didn’t bother me. Or, I got over the irritation. This kind of coincidental action/reaction, cause/effect emotions really come springing forward when there’s a major pile of planets in the sign opposite our Sagittarius selves. Don’t toss the phone out the window, just because.
Capricorn: I was about to pop out the door as I had meeting to attend. I grabbed the phone and the PDA, and my pager. All those little electrical goodies that — supposedly — makes life easier? Or are they more along the lines of an electrical leash? I’m not sure. I glanced down at the phone, and I knew that I was going to try and run three different appointments at once, so I knew I’d need that damn phone. Battery was almost dead. It was time to stop, slap everything onto their respective chargers and get all the batteries up to speed. Or up on juice. Or whatever it is when the little battery light looks like the battery is full. Not long ago, I was walking back from the train station, and on the train ride home, I’d dutifully run the battery down on the lap top. And the phone. And the PDA. Makes those battery items lighter for the walk home — not having to carry it with a full battery. Looking at the way your personal stars are, though, I’m not sure that you want all your batteries to be low. Like me, about to pop out the door for some important meeting, you want to make sure that all your batteries are charged. This really applies to communication devices, but it never hurts to make sure you have access to jumper cables, too. I always carry those in the truck, behind the bench seat.
Aquarius: I got an e-mail the other afternoon, as I was just minding my own business, and it was from a concerned reader. “I’ve followed your column since the old AOL days, but I was wondering, it doesn’t make any sense this week. Are you okay? You haven’t slipped a gear or something?” No, no, I haven’t slipped a gear. I’m in full control of limited faculties, such as they are. I’m operating with a full deck of cards. Tarot deck, too, which has more cards than a regular deck, not that it matters at this point. Although, as an analogy, it might be better than most. A certain comedian used to make a good joke about playing solitaire with a tarot deck, and its disastrous results. I’m working with a full Aquarius deck, and so are you. The rest of the world? That’s a problem, as they don’t get the joke. Or see that you’ve got a degree of control over what is happening. It’s more about career interests than any other concern in your chart these days. Social life? What with couples breaking up and otherwise stable situations becoming increasingly unstable? Why get involved in the fray? For once, that supposed “Aquarius Aloof” can be useful. Step back from the problems. A well-placed pause is much better than a torrent of empty words.
Pisces: Summertime in Texas means cheap sunglasses. I’m sure some folks will figure this is an allusion to that anthem by the “little old band from Texas, the ZZ Tops,” but no, this is about those vertical carousels of tawdry eye wear. Or what comes from those carousels, cheap sunglasses. The last couple of pairs of cheap sunglasses that I’ve had? One wound up in a girlfriend’s truck. Another went swimming in the lake while fishing, and the third pair? I picked them up on a quick road trip home, because the morning was turning out brighter than anticipated. I think I’ve still got them around here someplace. Cheap sunglasses are important. They provide some, if not always the best, protection. They are usually stylish in a way that always feels little out of date, which only makes them better. Plus, as far as I’m concerned, cheap sunglasses are disposable. Instead of opting for an expensive solution, look for a cheap one. If you’re like me, on hot summer afternoon, stopped to get a drink at a convenience store, there’s the rack of cheap sunglasses. Get a gaudy pair. Check the fine print, “UV Protection” or whatever it is that we’re worried about these days, and make sure that the lens are ‘shatter-proof’ (in the fine print). My prediction is that anything you acquire at this point in life isn’t going to be too permanent, and what better way to face the world than with a pair of cheap sunglasses?
