“Enjoy the honey-dew of slumber”
Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar [II.i.230]
Aries: “The check is in the mail” and other stories. I’m sure you’ve got your own version of this, and it’s a mistake that I’ve made a few times, but I’ve hardened now, not willing to do it again. I’ll have some person who wants to order a reading, and that person is afraid to use a credit card on the net. Or some such excuse. My personal favorite line is the common, “I’m putting a check in the mail right now.” Fairly original excuses that I’ve heard as a result of that promise? “Oh, the check came back, I didn’t have enough postage on it.” More commonly, it’s “I meant to do that last week.” Follow closely, here, you can either be handing out lame excuses, or you can be listening to them. I’m inclined to believe that you’re listening to them, these days. Sort of sucks. Oops, used a bad word there. But the expression aptly fits how your Aries self feels about people who promise to pay, and then don’t. My biggest problem is that I used to be a nice guy, you used to be a nice Aries, and we fall for those lines, from time to time. Problem being, when we fall for the old “check is in the mail” routine, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Taurus: “Kramer? Fishing Guide to the Stars? I’ve always wanted to meet you! I’ve read you stuff for years! So witty and clever!” With an introduction like that, I want you to pause and think what it feels like in my shoes. Or in your shoes, which are like my boots at the time I was hearing that introduction. It was shapely lady of a politically correct age-group, but certainly from not-quite-so-politically-correct shape and dimensions group. I tried my very best not to leer. Don’t know how successful I was at controlling my roving eyes, but my mouth refused to work. Part of it, was, of course, that wind-up I got. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you get the exact same sentiment, if not the exact same comment. The challenge is to do something besides croak out an answer. The goal is to be smooth, suave and debonair. “Yeah, uh, hi, uhm… so anyway, yeah, uhm, hi?” It was a Taurus time, that’s for sure. I didn’t necessarily enjoy my response because I felt like I just garbled it out. That’s what I’m talking about here, too, you want to be smooth, but distractions, visual or otherwise, seem to disrupt the speech part of the brain. Going to last for a few days yet, and there’s not a lot we can do about it. So I looked like an oaf. At least, that’s not a far trip for me.
Gemini: If you shot your mouth off last week, like I warned you not to? Then you’ve got dire consequences to deal with this week. Personally, I’m pretty sure no one likes to hear that they have to deal with an “I told you so” scenario, but there’s some pressure building in the Gemini world. I was supposed to get an e-mail the other day from Gemini buddy. Never came through. I would periodically check to see if anything came through from this one Gemini guy. Eventually, I got a second note from him, a little more irritable than the first note, apparently, and maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. See, he did send the first note, but it got caught in a filter someplace between his machine and my machine. Got a grip on the problem? It wasn’t really the Gemini’s fault, but the second message that did cycle through was a little more terse. Eventually, we got on the phone and straightened out the mess and the crossed messages, or we tried to, anyway. E-mail is such a strange business, at once both instant, intimate and yet oddly cool, too. Not in a “cool” cool way, but in a “cool as a neighbor of cold” way. I’d like to suggest that you cool yourself off. Venus heats things up, and opposing Pluto just makes it hotter. Instead of a phone call, try a short Gemini-style note. But don’t get hot if the message doesn’t appear to go through at first.
Cancer: Outdoor festivals and events are amusing. I’ve been drafted to work at some of these events because I’m generally an unflappable Sagittarius, and I can react well under pressure. Besides, as an unpaid volunteer, life is good. Nothing I say can really matters. Plus watching the people is good. I think this was a couple of years ago at a certain Fourth of July event. As the teeming mass of humanity was streaming out the exits of the fenced in arena, one of the attendees came up to me, in conditions, well, somewhat worse for the day’s activities — and levels of consumption — and she asked, “Can I keep it?” She was pointing to a large inflatable beer bottle, a Lone Star Longneck of truly epic proportions. “Uh, er, I don’t think so. But check with the refinery, see if that’s okay….” I stammered. I’m used to weird questions, but wandering off with a plastic, inflatable beer bottle that’s over 20 feet tall? That one person must’ve been having a really good time. What would you do with that? I’m sure the neighborhood associations would fight having that in the front yard. In the back yard? It would dwarf most domiciles. Can you even imagine trying to inflate it? Before you wander off with a prized memento, think about where you would put that object of your affection. Consider some long-term consequences. Do you really want an impossibly tall beer bottle in your front yard?
Leo: I saw a T-shirt that would be such a perfect catch-phrase for one of my Leo friends, “Enough about you, let’s talk about me.” In part, that’s supposed to be funny, but as a t-shirt slogan, it can also be a clear statement about how to deal with a good Leo. Ah yes, then I ran into a problem. What size T-shirt to get her? I’ve been through this before. I buy a medium, and she claims she’s a large, as that should be abundantly obvious from the way she fills a shirt out, if you understand that tack. But suppose I bought I large? “What, you think I’m too big — I don’t look fat to you, do I?” As a typical male, I know that those words are dangerous. Very dangerous. I called. Easiest thing in the world. Instead of messing around while trying to incorrectly guess the right size t-shirt for this Leo girl, I just picked up the phone and called her. “What size shirt should I get you?” “Extra-Large, XL. You should know that,” she replied. There, problem solved. I was saved years of certain turmoil and anguish, not to mention a good, old-fashioned butt whooping by a certain Leo because I called. Take this as a lesson, as you face a certain amount of uncertainties. Just pick up the phone and call. Saves you a lot of trouble.
Virgo: Every trailer park has one. I’m pretty sure this goes back to a deed restriction in the old Spanish land grants, predating most of the current politics in Texas. Not sure how it would read in archaic Spanish, but I’m sure there’s some note — a clause — that “every trailer park must contain at least one cranky old man.” The local history is rife with “cranky old men” doing various things. Like making a stand at an outdated fort, refusing to give up. Remember the Alamo. See: in the next couple of days, you are going to encounter your cranky old guy. I’ve got a neighbor just like this. I always nod “hello,” and I’ve offered, on certain occasions to assist with various tasks, but I try to limit the conversation. He’s upset with fashion, politics, neighbors who are astrologers, and so forth. It’s one thing to be nice, it’s another to get into an argument with this old geezer. Can’t win. He has years of arguing, and no matter how narrow-minded he might seem, there’s no way I can ever win a battle. Or, like Virgo these days, might win a battle, but we certainly won’t win the war. I’d rather stay on the old guy’s good side, so I don’t discuss certain topics. Makes for a much more peaceful existence. Don’t argue with cranky old men. Or cranky astrologers.
Libra: I came across a unique piece of research, came out of book a friend wrote, as a matter of fact, and the suggestion was that people think best when barefoot. I endeavor to be barefoot as much as possible, and until I read that note, I thought this was purely for personal comfort. I didn’t know it — allegedly — according to research — improved my thought capacity. So let’s say you’re at work. Over 70% of the folks who read this on the web do so at work. That’s just an odd coincidence. Maybe you want to slip you shoes off to help improve the way the neurons flow? Or is psions? There’s a deal, probably at work, and there’s simple solution. Try something to help you see the simple solution. Since this is only targeted at that 70% of the readers who are work, try slipping out of your shoes for moment. If it feels good, and no one notices, then maybe we’re onto to something. If you’re at home, and reading this on the web, then I would hope that you were already barefoot. But give it all a little thought because there’s a simple, easy, affordable solution that you’re just not seeing from a conventional way of Libra thinking.
Scorpio: I am amused, on a daily basis about what folks send me in e-mail. The latest was from a Scorpio. “I am testy, dammit.” Somehow, that was my fault. As I’ve said before, I’m amused by this. But it took me a while to figure out that just because one sign is upset with me, that doesn’t make it my fault. That’s an important distinction for the Scorpio set these days. Just because you’re testy doesn’t mean that you can blame the guy who writes this stuff — that would be me. Part of this is a function of two heavenly objects, the Sun and Mars, and part of this can be attributed to some particular task that you meant to get back to, but sort of forgot about. That’s the real source of the trouble. Got it? The deal is, the problems all trace back to something you, your Scorpio self, forgot to get around to. Stop and think. Instead of hollering at me, although, for the usual rate, I’ll be happy to listen to your rantings, but don’t expect me — or anyone else — to listen for free. Now, let’s just suppose that you’re a tad tense, and there’s nothing that you left undone. As the next few days begin to unfold in a predictable Scorpio manner, and when the tension creeps up your back into to your neck, stop and consider that I warned you. Never hurts to leave a little extra time in your schedule to correct any oversights.
Sagittarius: There comes a time, usually in the middle of my summer, a time when I try to have a “Mark Twain boyhood.” I spend a certain portion of the day swimming, or floating, in the creek. Not the swimming pool, but the creek just below the breakwater for the city’s Barton Springs. Nominally referred to as the “dog pond,” it’s a popular destination for us ne’er do wells as the banks of the creek are free, unlike the City’s pool. I’m always feeling a little like this is some sort of adolescent fantasy, too, swimming in the creek, calling it a lazy summer afternoon doing not much of anything. I consider it “getting in touch with my inner redneck,” and let’s face facts, we all have one. Some part of Sagittarius psyche wants to live out some kind of an idolized, idyllic existence, if only for an afternoon. If you’re in Austin, it’s easy. Head on down to Barton Springs. If you’re in the Trans Pecos area, head over to Balmorhea. The deal is natural swimming holes, some place where you share the same water with actual wildlife, like fish, that works ever so much better than a swimming pool. Spring fed is a bonus, hence the two meager suggestions. Doesn’t have to be swimming in water, either, could be any number of activities, but something that evokes a child-like response is important. Give it a spin: get in touch with your inner redneck.
Capricorn: I was chatting with a buddy of mine — his name is NOT Bubba — and he was talking about his latest stint as “security” at a July 4th festival. His big haul had been a couple of beer cans that somebody — probably named Bubba — tried to smuggle onto the festival ground in the bottom of a lawn chair. “Yeah, I felt the bottom of the bag, there was a something that was hard and cold,” he was saying. “Like her heart?” I interjected. “No man, wasn’t that cold,” he continued with his tale about the guy with the beer cans and how that one guy wanted his beer back when the show was over. “Cops got it, probably drank it already, sorry dude.” The joke about the woman with the cold heart launched into a moment of reverie about my buddy’s latest ex, some girl who “did him wrong,” sort of the same basic premise to so much country music these days, and he got off on tangent, thinking about past hurts and indiscretions. Of course, being a burly guy who could be called Bubba — but that’s not his name — he had to discuss various problems with females in general. It’s all about looking at the past — Saturn’s influence — then not repeating the same mistakes again. And don’t try to smuggle beer into an event, that never works.
Aquarius: I’ve whined about this before, I’m sure. It’s scene that I frankly just don’t get. Something I don’t understand. If I hadn’t seen it again, recently, I wouldn’t be thinking about this in respect to your chart. Maybe an Aquarius can either explain, or at the very least, feel some sympathy for me. Imagine a concert, loud music, thronging thousands, in various states of inebriation. Then, in the row in front of you, some person holds up a cell phone, “Dude! They’re playing our song!” I don’t get it. You got some buddy on the other end? That other listener can’t be there, so you really feel like you need to reach out and share the moment? Know what it looks like? Words fail me, but “silly” comes to mind. “Sad” might be a better term, too. What’s the person on the other end really hearing? “Can you hear it now?” Sure, and wish I was there? Don’t let a weak point in your own Aquarius psyche fool you. There’s a chance that you’re in the same position, and what you really want to do is hold up the phone and share the experience. Did you ever think about what that looks like? How about what the person on the other end actually perceives, too? Lots of static, and some buddy is at show that you couldn’t go to…. it’s not a always a happy place. It’s okay to share, but think about how you share.
Pisces: July always seems like such a long month to me. Business, as far as the astrology business goes, seems to slow down. I don’t know about other businesses, but that’s always been my interpretation. This also marks my astrology birthday, of sorts, too. A live column on a website, for over a decade now. There’s a problem, though, with looking back and being tempted to rest on my achievements, though, and that’s also a problem in Pisces land. Looking back and pretending that a lifetime of achievements is cause enough to rest — just doesn’t work. Not these days. Particularly not in Pisces places. As much as it’s really tempting to set back and cast your Pisces eyes over a lifetime of achievements, these days? Got to keep pushing forward. There are some career/work disturbances that can use your healing hands on them. That’s such a nice image, your Pisces self, waltzing into the office at a relaxed hour, meandering through the morass, and simply offering a “laying on of hands” in order to effect spiritual transformations in the work place. Looks good. Sounds good. I would suggest, though, that it’s more about work, and less about spiritual transformations. As always, I can be wrong, but I do suggest you tend to work a little. There’s something that could use your calm outlook.
