“He is a proper man’s picture but alas! Who can converse with a dumb-show?”
Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice (I.ii.69-70)
Aries: I was tucking into some BBQ at a place nearby. I’d been swimming in the creek and it was a hot summer’s day. What did you expect? My hair and my shorts were still damp with creek water. The kindly waitress, not an Aries, brought around a tub of ice tea, I drained it, and she brought back the pitcher. While she was refilling my glass, some of the tea she was pouring glanced off the lemon slice floating in my huge plastic tumbler. Stray and errant tea splashed across the tabletop and a few drops landed on my already damp shorts. It wasn’t really any kind of problem whatsoever. But it did give me an excuse to complain, bemoaning my fate and getting all worked up because some fool waitress was pouring tea — ice tea — into my lap. We had us a laugh. When I went to pay, I left a generous tip because I was a little bit lighter for the experience. Didn’t stop me from taking a quick dig at the waitress — with her manager — “Fine except for having cold ice tea poured on my lap.” The manager didn’t know about our history, me and that server, and the manager didn’t know what to make of it. Mars is opposing Jupiter. Watch out for the hilarity that ensues when someone pours cold ice tea in your (already damp with creek water) lap.
Taurus: I’m pleading “dumb.” I’ll be pretty much next to worthless for the coming few days. I’ll talk a lot, but not much will be said. Which has been observed about these horoscopes from time to time, but I’m not buying that. I know how much work goes into them. I’m sure your dear, sweet, gentle, kind, wonderful Taurus self is feeling much like me. A little long-winded. A little full of self-worth. And no one seems to appreciate what’s going on. Therein, my friend, is the problem. The holding forth is a good idea on certain occasions. However, consider that it appears no one is listening to your timely and wonderful words of wisdom. Yeah, I feel your pain. While you are usually quite good, precise even, with your communication, there’s just a piece that seems to be missing. Not quite finding the correct word to plug in the right place? What I usually do is crank up the volume. That is, I increase the amount — the volumetric capacity — of words while I search for the most correct phrasing. Alas, that’s not a good idea. Quietly search for the right word instead of increasing the amount of words.
Gemini: One spring, I developed a particularly good rhythm for working on horoscopes. I would rig worm on the line on one pole, write a single scope, then try that worm for a few casts, down by the creek. Then I’d come back in, rig another type of bait, and write another scope. Back and forth. It’s active and yet, it’s not too active. Scopes get finished. Life proceeds forward at a good pace. The only problem was fishing line. Every time I’d cut off a few inches of line to rig a new bait, I’d wind up with a small amount of monofilament line on the floor of the trailer. No big deal. But at the end of the morning’s exercise, that’s 12 horoscopes, that’s a good 12 feet of line maybe 14, depended on the pace and what was — or wasn’t — working. I’m suggesting a similar arrangement for my Gemini friends. See, there’s a lot of work that needs to be addressed, and yet, there’s a degree of fun to be had, with some activity. Work the two challenges out together. The only problem? After a morning of “work,” the floor of the trailer is littered with little snips of fishing line. Red line, purple and fluorescent line, clear line, it’s a mess. To some it’s a mess, to me? It’s an indication that the harmony of daily life in a trailer park is moving right along like it’s supposed to.
Cancer: Next week, not this week, but next week? Venus exeunt Cancer. For good or for ill? Kind of depends. See, there’s other stuff kicking around in your sign, plus Mr. Mars is over yonder Aries, and he’s making a pejorative angle to yourself. Means we’ve all got a little bit of Cancer homework that needs attending to. The sooner, the better. More sooner than later, too. I realize it’s birthday time, and we’re all supposedly getting ready for the big celebration time, but there’s a degree of tension, and that tension can only be alleviated by a Cancer’s care and concern. Plus a kind word. Something like that. I got a tip, once from a Cancer. She tossed a little work my way. In fact, all I had to do was sign my name to a check that came in. I mean, there really was a little more involved than that, but not a lot. The last check, there were several, caught up with me last week. It was great. What did I have to do? Nothing much. Read a few pages, make a comment, and that was it. I can use more work like this, sign my name to checks then deposit those checks in the business account. That works.
Leo: Eloquence is important. Brush up on your eloquent Leo expressions. Stand in front of the mirror, this weekend, and practice saying those little bon mots that mean so much. Figure out how to pitch what you want to pitch. Astrology is all about timing, see, and a little bit of rehearsal time is good. As a precursor to Leo Time, starting in July, there’s going to be the most convenient tickle. Mercury and Venus slip into the Tropical Zodiac Sign of Leo. Best Fixed fire sign. Ever. No questions asked. With Ms. Love Planet and Mr. Communication Planet sliding on in, under the normal radar, you’re going to find that your ability to deliver those lines, the ones you practiced, there comes a chance. My suggestion is to get ready. Might be Monday or Tuesday, but certainly by next Wednesday, you get a chance to use what you just worked on. Practice a little, as the chance to execute that delivery is coming up soon.
Virgo: I still get a ton of e-mail, despite the fact I’ve tried to cut back on being available. Most of the inbound mail has to pass through two sets of filters, plus a human filter, before it al gets to me. I dutifully read all the mail. That’s the good news. Plus I tend to respond, last count, was over a thousand e-mails in a month, that’s what I respond to. I got one the other afternoon, and I started out to respond when I realized I was dealing with a potential client who was fishing. Fishing for free information. Fishing for someone to respond with what was desired, not fishing for real information. I agonized over how to respond to that one e-mail. I typed out one answer. I erased my first response and tried a second time. Finally, I realized that I had already answered that question in two places, three even, in a book, in the horoscope archive, and in the free material on the website about a certain sign. The person writing was unwilling to part with cash, do the homework, or sift through the site’s material. Careful how you answer questions.
Libra: A buddy of mine bought a travel trailer. Yes, she went out and purchased herself an Airstream. Little, tiny model, brand new, all the comforts of home. She can tow it with her tiny truckette. The parts she was so excited about? The optional generator. Made by a motorcycle company, really. And whisper quiet. The generator is quieter than the AC unit in the trailer itself. That’s the good part. Now for the problems, see, she’s a girl (woman, female, whatever is the most correct term, apply it yourself). The generator weighs over a hundred pounds. It has to be slid out of the trailer to work. Park the trailer then park the generator and suddenly, there’s life — civilized life according to the book of Libra. Horsing that generator in and out of the trailer has become the single biggest chore associated with her camping adventures. She eventually found a set of ramps that were designed for a lawn tractor, and those riding mower skids worked well for sliding that heavy piece of equipment in and out of her mobile domicile. It took a little looking, a few tries, a sprained back, several trip to see the chiropractor before she finally got it all figured and configured. So it may take a few tries, maybe a sprained back, or a pulled muscle or two, but you do get a chance to get some kind of ramp, a set of skids, in place to help make your life easier. Just a matter of finding the right set of skids to grease.
Scorpio: The Scorpio allure never ceases to amaze me. I’m continually enthralled by the smoky eyes, the simmering level of metaphorical heat quietly lurking beneath the surface, the way every Scorpio I encounter is just like a volcano, the right touch and all that hot lava love pours forth. Yeah, well, I’m particularly attune to what really makes a Scorpio tick. Regrettably, not everyone understands the Scorpio psyche. Therein is our problem this week. Not everyone “gets it,” and only you and I know what “it” is. If more folks understood what makes Scorpio tick along, then life would be a lot easier. There’s going to be a sudden interruption to the normal, orderly flow of energy in Scorpio. Attribute this to Mars (in Aries) facing off against Jupiter (in Libra). That’s our little problem, and your perspicacious Scorpio mind will note, those are not problem signs for Scorpio. Not usually, anyway. A little spark should get set off in your brain. Think about it. That person in traffic, at the office, at the counter in the convenience store? The person in line ahead of you at the grocery store? The sign says 10 items or less, and apparently, that person can’t count? Or drive, or type? Or behave in way so as not to irritate your Scorpio self? What’s really going on is planetary irritation, and there is no known cure for that. But instead of addressing the problem person with a typical Scorpio smoldering gaze? Treat them the same way my Scorpio Mother treats me? “He’s just a little ‘funny in the head,’ you know….” She still loves me, even if I don’t write what she wants to read.
Sagittarius: I was ordering some tickets to an event. I was clicking around on the ticket website, and the phone rang. I took the call, usual stuff, and since I’m a thoroughly modern man, I was able to input while credit card data while listening to one of my friends complain about his girlfriend. Without reading the terms of service, I just hit the “agree” button. I’d bought some cheap tickets. Standing room only, cheap tickets. Worthless to me. So I concluded the phone call, and went back through the site, bought the expensive tickets I wanted, reserved seating and all, and then I was stuck with an extra set of $20 tickets I didn’t want or need. “No refund, no exchange, no money back.” Read the fine print, I suppose. At least glance at the site’s license. So, a few weeks later, I was at the show, and a right before, I just held up those accidental tickets that Customer Service refused to take back. What happened? I scalped them for a lot more than face value. I am not a scalper. “Here, I’ll give you $50 apiece for those!” Not a bad profit for a mistake. As long as Jupiter and Mars are where they are, careful what you click on. Then again, in a little while, this mistake might prove to be worthwhile.
Capricorn: I was trying to come up with an adequate way to cover the sense of frustration that’s kicking around in the Capricorn chart. There’s an ennui, plus there’s a sense that something isn’t quite right, and while you can point to a number of problems, when isolated, those problems don’t add up and point to that sense of frustration. We’re not getting to the source. The real pinpointed location of the problem, as far as I’m concerned, is Mars and Jupiter. How that manifests in your Capricorn life, though, therein is the problem. Understand that those two planets are opposite each other, more or less, and that the opposition of two energies like this sets up a dynamic that irritates you. So we’ve located the source of the trouble. I’m not really a gambling man, but as an idea, and looking at the hand Jupiter has in this mess, it’s possible to play a long shot and have it come out in the Capricorn favor. Problem being, the fruits of your labor, the reward for betting on that long shot? Sticking up for the underdog? The problem is, you won’t see the rewards for a day, week, or maybe even a month. Or months. Therein is the difficulty. As long as you realize that the long shot is going to pay off, sooner or later, you’ll be a little better off.
Aquarius: The deal is, the way I understand it, you can see the whole picture, or you can see the little, tiny parts that make up the whole picture. Personally, me being Sagittarius and all, I tend to just look at the whole picture. But I’m not an Aquarius. As an Aquarius, what seems to be most important at this very moment, it’s seeing the tiny, disparate dots that make up the picture. Look closely. Get out a magnifying glass, a microscope, or even just some reading glasses. Get up close. Look at the tiniest fraction of detail in the image. Computer screens are composed of a series of dots. Look closely. Examine the finite details, which, to any other sign, would appear to be spurious, inconsequential details. Look even closer. Marvel at the way it all works together to give a visual image of something else. It’s matter of breaking down the component parts to see what really makes the scene tick. Your fine Aquarius self? No one is better able to handle this kind of analysis.
Pisces: I was bouncing e-mails back and forth, from me to a sweet Pisces. Happens from time to time. It was well after midnight, so a phone call would’ve been way out of order, but a different set of one-liners, every eight minutes? That was pleasant. The tone was cute, slightly provocative, and over all playful. I accused her of failing to fall for my lines, after all, I’m the fisherman, she’s the fish. Then I admitted that I always fell for her lines, the ones she shot down the virtual vacuum tube. She then claimed I never fell for her lines, although I beg to differ, because she was certainly keeping me engaged that one evening. “But Kramer,” she wrote, “if you fell for my lines, then I’d have you in my grasp.” I had to admit, it seemed like I was the slippery one who kept getting away. Perspective is important to the Pisces these days. I’d like to suggest, just like that one Pisces, you really do have a situation that you have control of. You’re in charge. Don’t abuse it.
