Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 2.28.2013

    “Wooing thee, I found thee of more value
    Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;
    And ’tis the very riches of thyself
    That now I aim at.”
    Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor [III.iv.18-21]

Shakespeare’s Falstaff appears in The First Part of Henry IV, and The Merry Wives of Windsor, with a mention in Henry IV, part two and Branagh’s Henry V.

    Remember the Alamo!

Pisces Pisces: On the top of my desk, there’s a spool of fishing line. It’s a (brand name) “camo” and it’s listed as a premium monofilament fishing line. I liked the 12-pound test stuff because it’s been the right balance of tensile strength and weight. Light enough to be fun, strong enough to be effective. Perfect for light gear and sporting fishing, usually at the coast, but in several reservoirs as well. The biggest challenge with light line like that? I have to keep fresh line on the fishing reels. Mercury — in its current state of deshabille?

Time to replace the all the fishing line on all the Pisces fishing reels. I do this frequently, several times in a season, or at least three times a year, and now? Now it’s the time to make sure what we’re fishing with is strong enough to catch what we’re fishing for.

Mercury, &c.?

Aries Aries: I have one book out that’s about Mercury Retrograde. The text starts with a long list of actions not to attempt when Mercury is “moving East,” as the astronomers call it. It all starts with a long list of things not to do when Mercury is backwards. “Things not to do.” Caveat Emptor and much, much more. Looking at all of the planets, there’s a deeper issue for Aries.

Some events require action. Through my little primer, I go from what shouldn’t be done to what can be done, to what helps. There’s a huge amount of “embracing” I see as a positive action-item for Aries. Embrace Mercury Backwards in Pisces. Embrace Mars — your planet — in Pisces. Embrace the very Pisces nature of the times. Realize you can’t hit a moving target. “Sure you can, just lead them and adjust for wind.” Better yet? Realize what can and can’t be accomplished. Adjust your sights as necessary.

TaurusTaurus: Last week’s word was “mushy.” Don’t see a big improvement this week, either. However, as Mars moves along, and remembering that all that stuff is still stacked in Pisces? I’d think about some of my chili. I was a legend, at one time, for chopping, slicing, brewing and simmering various grocery items in a pot and calling it chili. One of the last items to added is a thickening agent. Like the plot thickens? Only it was the chili. Once everything was stewed up and ready? Masa flour, usually, was what I’d use. Maybe a tablespoon or so, not much in a big pot of chili, but just something to make all the pieces stick together. Added cohesion. Just what we all need, now. So the solution for this week, as a Taurus? Let’s look for that thickening agent. Something. Regular flour works well, as does bacon grease. I’m really not that good in a kitchen. I can prepare a few items quite well, but other than that? I wouldn’t count on me for much help. Taurus: last week’s mushy soup of a time just needs some kind of thickening agent. Me? I tend to use flour, but try whatever looks good.

Gemini: I’ve got one Gemini buddy who would rather complain instead of taking any kind of concerted action to ameliorate or even benefit his situation. Bitching about it is more fun than doing anything (about it). I kept thinking about a preacher’s joke, heard it from a local pastor one time.

Guy’s house is flooded and the guy is on the roof, praying to the Almighty, asking to be rescued. A boat drifts by, offers the guy a way out, guy refuses, believing that the Lord will save him. Fervent prayer. A Coast Guard cutter swings by, offering the guy a lift, but again, he refuses, believing that the Lord will save him. Finally a helicopter offers to lift him out of there, but the guy refuses, head still bent in prayer. Guy drowns, goes to heaven, and asks the Lord why He didn’t save him. “What? I sent three people, you didn’t accept the help.”

What can a Gemini, in these trying times, learn from that story?

Cancer Sun SignCancer: I took a sip from a tiny espresso cup. I looked at your chart. I took another sip of coffee. I tend to drink coffee out of espresso cups because I feel like I’m slamming copious quantities of coffee, when, in fact, it’s only a minute amount.

Feels like 7 or 8 cups of joe, when, really, it’s only two full cups, maybe 20 liquid ounces, at best. As the author of the horoscopes, it’s a game I play. So I got up and looked for more coffee, but the coffee pot was half-disassembled. I was pouring out the grinds and I stopped halfway through the process. Games we play with ourselves, right? I was wondering if I should make another pot of coffee, it’s small, two-cup, press-pot affair. Since I was already excitable and distracted enough that I forgot to wash the pot in the first place, there it was halfway to nowhere on the counter, I figured I’d better concentrate on just one task at a time.

Maybe no more coffee. As a Cancer, you’re going to be like me, a caffeine-addled junkie too strung out to finish anything. Mercury, remember that situation? Plus another influence, but let’s just blame Mercury. Now, what can you do? Follow my lead, let’s not fix anymore coffee, to start with.

The (mighty) Leo: I have one client who is of the “Hide under the bed when Mercury is Retrograde” school of thought. Her advice? “Never, ever travel when Mercury is Retrograde!” My advice, and my advice to the mightiest fire sign, The Leo? Travel. Here’s the way this works, what will happen this week. You have a destination in mind. Mercury is backwards in Pisces. The Mighty Leo has a specific target arranged. You, the best fire sign ever, you set out for that destination. Mercury, the general timbre of the times, and the tones of the planets, not so much music as just atonal vibration, it all pushes you in another direction. Here’s what I want to you to pay attention to: you don’t get where you think you’re going. Thank Mercury. You do, however, wind up where you’re supposed to be. Thank Mercury and me.

Virgo: There’s a fishing resort I enjoy. Right out the front door of the hotel and across the street, there was a lighted pier, one of the longest in the area, and that stuck straight out into the bay. Good fishing and even more fun, on certain evening, watching the characters at play. There would be a drunk businessmen down from Houston with a pole in one hand and beer in the other, more talk than action. Families with young kids, squealing, and the youngest of the children sported life-preservers. Good idea, but not really necessary. Then there were the young kids, maybe 5-6-7 years old, I’m unsure of the age, with the little Wal-Mart fishing poles, and the occasional, “Look, I caught one!” To my eyes, that tiny fish is nothing more than bait, but to a kid who is less than half my height, that’s a pretty big fish. All about where you stand while Mercury is Retrograde like this. As the big fisherman, that child’s fish looks like child’s play. As the child, that’s a pretty big fish, and exciting, as a bonus. Where do you stand, Virgo?

Libra: I used a favorite opening quote from Shakespeare’s Merry Wives of Windsor, kind of a hamstrung play. I forget exactly what the critics think of it, but from memory, it’s not a popular academic piece. Sort of the opposite. The story, true or not, is that the Queen wanted a play wherein Sir John Falstaff got his comeuppance. While brilliant in King Henry IV, part 1, with at least one critic I’ve read suggesting that Falstaff is an archetype of a character, transcending the role in just the play, that brings into question who is the Falstaff portrayed in Merry Wives?

As a Libra, in the coming week, you’re required to play many parts. Are you the two-faced wit, from the Henry IV plays? Or the object of derision and source of amusement? Clown, fop, acerbic wit, which will it be, or can it be all three?

You’re the Libra, you decide.

Scorpio: As a Scorpio, I want you to borrow a suggestion from one of my books, the wisdom of the ages. “If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.” With all the planets stacked up in Pisces, but the one I’m concentrating on, Mercury, with all that melee, I’m warning you that you’re probably going to be egregiously incorrect in the next couple of days. Some call this a mistake. I call it lifestyle choices. I tend to be wrong a lot. Therefore, like I’ve suggested, follow my lead, follow my advice, be wrong in a clearly demonstrative way. “Look: this how not to do this. Watch and learn!” I don’t mind making a fool of myself from time to time, and even though you’re Scorpio, you know, every once in awhile? It’s OK to be incorrect. Just make note of that.

Sagittarius: I’m a nice guy. I generally have a sunny outlook, I mean, really, part of that is the happy-go-lucky Sagittarius demeanor, and part of that? It really pisses off the sour people. I wouldn’t purposefully pick on a sour Scorpio, but yes, it’s just one of the payoffs. The problem being, it’s late February and it got cold. Was nice, I was in shorts but them it cooled off again. Long pants, even. This weather variation soured my Sagittarius expression. Quite righteously pissed me off.

There are two points here, this next few days. Yes, we are going to get pissed off. Someone, something, probably someone wants to ruin our sunny disposition. Fine. It happens. Now, as a clue to human nature? We want to get even. Easiest way to get even? Adopt that sunny Sagittarius sentiment. Nothing irritates them so much.

CapricornCapricorn: Saturn and Jupiter were conjunct in 1980, not really a big deal, but it was a time when the high-water mark was reached. That’s the moment when everything changed. Style, music, literature, it all changed, forever and irrevocably, at that point. I’m inclined to look at Saturn and Jupiter, conjunct like that, as an indication of change. Before that time, hats were common, as both stylistic statement and as a functional item to protect the head. After that point, hats were styled, then dropped. I think I quit wearing a hat most of time, right about then. Still have some hats, but not as many and the style is more an affectation than a serious element, except, of course, when I fish. It was at that moment that style went from precise and carefully arranged, then hair-sprayed into place look to the more free, men-without-hats look. Freedom for the follicles! Style isn’t a strong point with me, nor is the history of clothing.

There’s a change you want to make and it could be as simple as “Lose the hat.”

Let the follicles be free in the breeze, blowing in the wind. Whatever. The fun part, for me? One of my bald (shaved head) buddies, on the boat, as we’re blasting across the lake, “Yes, I love the feel of the wind in my hair,” and he grins.

Aquarius: I’m a straight-leg, button-fly guy. I made that move, many years ago when Levi’s were still made in America. I have a few pair of those with the “MADE IN USA” tag, still attached.

While Mercury is backwards like this, it’s quite all right to lament the past.

The problem being, the point of consternation, what to watch out for?

Dwelling in the past.

It’s okay to visit, just don’t get stuck being maudlin and pining away for something that can’t be.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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  • Rhubarb Feb 28, 2013 @ 11:26

    Reading your Virgo section, I’m reminded of the first fish I ever caught as a child. A little fish, to be sure, but exciting to me. As I was extracting the hook from the lip, it gave a mighty wriggle and landed back in the water. Without thinking, instinctively, instantly I went in after it, diving into the mossy green leafed shallows, and came up with it, clutched in both hands, triumphant. Scared the living daylights out of my father. My first fish was NOT going to get away.

    Yeah, nothing gets their goat so much as turning the other cheek, and smiling while you do it. Confuses them, too. I’ll try to remember that, as I shuffle my virus-laden body hither and yon. Being sick makes me less alert, less aware. And certainly less “sunny”.

  • jose quinones Mar 1, 2013 @ 1:29

    Do you mean an alter ego or just a role? Hmmm, I am still dreaming of my ‘tycoon’ disguise.

  • Kramer Wetzel Mar 2, 2013 @ 18:01

    Just a role, but I can see you in the power suit with a brief case pretty easily.

  • anca Mar 5, 2013 @ 17:28

    As an Aquarius with a Gemini moon, the thing I learn from that story is that the guy ends up in heaven. Seems he was saved after all.