Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.24.2015

    The moon shines bright. In such a night as this,
    When the sweet wind did gently kiss the trees,
    And they did make no noise, in such a night
    Troilus methinks mounted the Troyan walls,
    And sigh’d his soul toward the Grecian tents,
    Where Cressid lay that night.
    Lorenzo in Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice 5.1.1-5

Shakespeare on display, here.

2016: "Working title, 2016" talking notes for January's predictions, notes are here.

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.24.2015

CapricornCapricorn: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

If it’s an electrical problem? We can’t help. Call “Sparky.” He was legendary, backstage electrician, from the days of long ago when live music was so cool, and they always needed a “certified” electrician to pull the wire, plug the stuff in, and make it all work. It’s not a task I would undertake. As a Capricorn, there is one, daunting task and there is no shame in saying, “It’s electrical. Call someone who knows something about this stuff.”

“Sparky” was, seemed like, either stoned, or, perhaps, the prevailing theory, he had been shocked so many times he was in an alternating-current reality. That worked. Still, if the task involves a system, like, you can’t fix it with a hammer? It’s electrical. Call the electrician. Or someone like him. Sparky?

Aquarius:

Friday and Xmas bring a Full Moon. Kind of a weird one, too, between Capricorn Sun and Cancer Moon? Weird doesn’t even begin to convey the disparate energies loose upon the worlds. Good? Bad? Methinks it’s a bit of both. Yes, a bit of both.

Take the hard angles, take the edges and rough patches? Apply a little Venus in Scorpio Salve to those dry spots. You’re an Aquarius, you can work this out, it’s a rough, dry patch. A certain Virgo girlfriend used to insist that “Tequila soothes a dried and chapped mind.” Me? I’m not much a drinking man these days and my experience with Virgo females and tequila is the stuff of legend. Goes way back. Still, it’s an idea, something to soothe the rough patches so that the good stuff can shine through. Take the Aquarian good and don’t worry about the parts you can’t fix, delete or otherwise surmount. Some days, like these holidays, it’s not worth the effort. Find the right salve that works for the Aquarius rough patches and enjoy the holiday merriment.

Pisces:

I always wonder about doing a short blurb about the coming year will look like, and then, no one ever seems to check back and see how well I did. Or don’t do. No one ever seems to backtrack and validate previous years’ predictions. I’m not complaining, just observing. As a Pisces, this holiday season, especially now, is bringing up more than its fair share of memories, dreams and reflections, Xmas: past, present, and hopefully, future. As a Pisces, this moment in time is kind of frozen and yet, not frozen, too. Stuck, but not stuck.

There’s a moment wherein this week feels frozen in time. The time-space continuum seems to grind to halt, and if you pause, look, and reach out? Watch as the people and places around your Pisces self seem frozen, if only for a moment. This “frozen in time” moment is only for this week; I doubt this will apply to the whole next year.

Aries:

One of the grammar websites I follow, more for amusement than any real grammar guidelines, that should be obvious, right? So the site had a definition of meddle, medal, mettle, and metal. What was missing from all the definitions? “Metal!” There’s variations on themes, but there’s death metal, alt metal, dark metal, black metal, glam metal, and personal favorite from way back in an ill-spent childhood? Hair Metal!

There’s a certain emphasis that must be placed on the term, the musical taxonomy, “Metal!” Heavy Metal started it, and then there are striations and variations, but the theme remains the same. As an Aries, on the eve of Xmas eve? As an Aries, we can get caught up with the various layers of definitions, or, like the good answers to this week’s energy?

Just scream, “Metal!”

There is always one Aries, though, and for that one?

It would’ve worked if it wasn’t for those darn, meddling kids!

Merry Xmas!

Taurus:

I ran into an old girlfriend, I hadn’t seen in a few years, a former lover. She’d either lost a little weight, or she was wearing tighter clothes, I’m unsure. Her hair style was much changed, as she’d cut off the long locks, let it go gray, so it looked frosted, and she was on short heels, making her a few inches taller than before. A fetching look, and running into her was pure happenstance. Just a coincidence, I’m sure. “Happy Holidays,” were exchanged, and I commented on her new style how it was mighty fetching. As I watched her sway, as she walked away, I thought about Taurus, and I thought about this holiday season, and I thought about changes that aren’t really changes. None of the changes she made were drastic, but the overall effect was one of a big improvement. Little changes that add up to a better outlook for Taurus? Yes, that’s the idea.

There will be one bitter Taurus who will point out that being shed of me might’ve been the best change yet. This holiday season? No reason to be bitter. Little changes that add up to a new outlook. Get ready for the new year. Little changes.

Gemini:

One of the greatest treats of the season is candy. Or sugar, but mostly candy. It’s like, it’s Halloween, all over again, only it’s not, and it’s even better. The problem is most of the sugary goodness from this time of the year comes in only two shades, red and green. I’m sure there’s a peppermint, candy cane, holly reason for this, but that’s the problem. The orange, the rust, the yellow, those colors suffer int he neglected side because the festival colors are red and green. I tend towards purple, because I’m Sagittarius, and even then, at this time of the year, there’s a certain religious bend to “purple” as a color, but once again, the candy suffers. I was thinking about candy because I was stuck, a few days before Xmas, entertaining a buddy’s kids. Nothing like a fun-size package of candy to get the kids even more wired on sugar, and then? I get to leave. As a Gemini, you appreciate the idea that you are met with joyous children, and hand out candy. As Gemini, you think this is great. Any parent rues the day, but as a Gemini, you’re gone before the candy/sugar rush wears off. Perfect for my Gemini friends, carry some candy for the kids. Unless, of course, you’re a Gemini parent, then you might want to look out for people like me.

Cancer:

While the debate rages on, the battle for the ultimate breakfast taco was won, many years ago, a reigning champ was just about any tacqueria south of downtown San Antonio. What the south-side taco joints lack in ambiance and upscale ingredients, that is more than made up for by quality and quantity of ingredients. It’s not fancy, it’s plentiful and cheap. I’ve had many of Austin’s finer, fancier tacos. Sure, cute ingredients, and sure, they appeal to the senses with flavor, appearance, artful arrangements, but still, the best? Quality and quantity? Trust the stressed vendors who toy with me and pretend to speak no English. It’s a ruse, but it works. Xmas Eve eve? Sure, and from that point forward, we are no longer looking for the fancy, high-bred, high-falutin’ whatever for my Cancer friends. Good, cheap, filling is the answer. Good, cheap, filling. Reminds me, I need to pick up some Xmas tamales. This holiday season? For the next few days? Good, cheap, filling. That’s all.

The (mighty) Leo:

The tender Leo heart? While I adore me some Leo, while I’m perhaps the biggest non-Leo Leo fan? While I start out with addressing Leo, as the (mighty) Leo, or even, The Leo? This might be met with opprobrium. Not from me, but from other circles, other, non-Leo like people.

This holiday mess? People not being nice to you after Xmas day?

Recall the regal action required of certain monarchs. Think about the “Parade wave.” Use that on us, well, not me, as I won’t be dismissive of The Leo, but when other folks are? Parade Wave.

Merry Xmas, happy holidays, whatever it is.

Virgo:

When is this good stuff supposed to start?

Soon.

How soon?

Very soon.

Enjoy the holiday season, take a much needed break, then plan to launch that new endeavor, as soon as the new year rolls around. Plan, but maybe, just this once? Don’t launch yet. Just enjoy a much-deserved break.

Libra:

We’re at the tail-end of Mars making an arc through Libra. And we’re at the tail-end of the year. And we’re at the beginning/middle/end of the Xmas season. There’s a frantic energy loose in Libra. There’s a kinetic, yet frantic, urge to get everything done, in one, great, big hurry.

Best trick I learned? Stop long enough to get something to eat. This one Libra I dated, a simple fare, just a couple of street tacos, all it took to keep her happy, and well-balanced. Stop long enough to nourish the Libra soul. Or nourish your soles. Sometimes, this is as simple as just a little bit of fuel. Just some nourishment to give you that added boost. For me, for that one Libra? Street tacos, all it took. Not fancy, not expensive, little round tortillas with a small helping of unknown meat, or meat-like substance, some fresh coriander, and maybe a few chopped onions. Not much. Cost about a buck. Perfect for that last bit of Mars-infused mania, just one more item to look after. Or one less item to look after.

Scorpio:

Merry Xmas to my most favorite Fixed Water Sign. Best of all the fixed, water signs. I hope you’re having a merry holiday, the full moon and all, that sets a few people on edge. The trick to work with “People on the edge,” the secret is to be nice. Oily, even. Oily to bed, oily to rise, so the joke didn’t work. Still, there’s a snake-oil, super-salesman approach that works. Smile broadly. Let the other person speak first. Compliment. Do something nice. Be nice. Play nice, or, at least, Scorpio play at playing nice, if that makes sense. I know very few “malignant” Scorpio types, but there is image. Shed that image, for the next few days.

Surprise everyone, play nice.

Sagittarius:

"Tis the season, no?" In over 20 years of writing horoscopes, particularly horoscopes for electronic publication? I used to start with an appropriate pop culture quote, which eventually evolved to mostly Shakespeare's canon, as is my easy style. Not proud. Not complaining. I pretty much plan another twenty years. The point, this very Xmas's eve's eve, I would like to make? As Sagittarius, Sagittarius to Sagittarius? Look at the quotes I use: there is attribution. In the last two decades, I can count twice when my attributions have been incorrect. Unlike most online quotes, I have a play, an act number, scene number, and usually, approximate line numbers, with line numbering varying from edition to edition among some scholarly sets. However, I can usually point to a spot in the text close, if not exact, to where the quote originated.

It's not made up.

As a Sagittarius? We have a gift and a knack for fabricating inexact, but stellar-sounding "facts."

This week? Stick to facts, like quotes, that can be verified.

Don't believe me? Check through the last year's worth of Shakespeare quotes, from me, see how many are real (all of them).

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

  • anita dudek Dec 23, 2015 @ 21:33

    I remember the first horoscope of yours that I ever read. It was so accurate that I have been your fan ever since that day. Christmas of 2000. Dirt bike racing Pisces. I was the dark racer. Just awful. Merry Christmas . I really love you man..

    • Kramer Wetzel Dec 23, 2015 @ 22:59

      Many thanks, I hope to keep you alive and enlightened…. I hope sanity is optional.

      • Kramer Wetzel Dec 25, 2015 @ 0:14
        • anita dudek Dec 28, 2015 @ 12:37

          YES, THAT’S THE ONE . Here is a strange thought. The current pisces scope about being stuck in the past seems pretty accurate too as we travel down memory lane. Life is so damn scary sometimes. What if we are just doing it because we can, period.