Horoscopes starting 12.22.2016

    He hath a heart as sound as a bell, and his tongue is the clapper, for what his heart thinks, his tongue speaks
    Don Pedro about Benedick in Shakespeare’s
    Much Ado About Nothing (3.2.3)

Shopping by the signs — silly Xmas theme. Capricorn starts — Winter Solstice arrives — 12.21.2016 — 4:44 AM CST (plus or minus, milage may vary, see fine print for details, etc.)

Horoscopes starting 12.22.2016



The Sea-Goat

With Pluto and its concomitant influences the primary players in the yearly outlook, what would work best is a sidekick character. A little buddy, a Watson to Capricorn’s Holmes, a Gilligan to the Capricorn’s Skipper, and, I was thinking, for the sake of Shakespeare illustration, fit either Benedick or Beatrice, the two love interests, consider one — or the other — as the sidekick. This year brings a situation, and the best gift for Capricorn?

A sidekick. Tonto to the Lone Ranger, the examples are countless. A pet turtle, or cat, or, even a stuffed bear. One year, a stuffed bear was gift was a from Sister, and I as I traveled back from the Left Coast, I kept that stuffed bear buckled into the plane seat next to me. Served two purposes, maybe three, one, kept that seat empty, two, looked cute and approachable for the right person, and three, it was a confidante. Bear has shuffled off this mortal coil, but the idea is sound and dependable. As a Capricorn, you’re looking for a real, or imagined, sidekick.



The Water Bearer

One of the coolest tech gadgets I used to have? It was an electronic display picture frame. Basically, a simple display that pulled images from a camera card, one of those, whatever they’re called, it’s a chip or memory chip, or card or something. The little frame shuttered family images and pictures of big fish, for two, maybe three years. I enjoyed it, but after an electrical outage? Didn’t seem to work anymore.

However, for Aquarius? Maybe not a frame that runs off a chip like that, but something, I’m thinking in broad terms here, something like that. This is a Mercury Retrograde time, so it’s not the best time to buy tech toys like that. However, think about it, a way to display some images from the past year? A slide show, a way to flip the last year’s worth of images, maybe stuff from the last year via the Aquarius social media, such as it is? Wins, valiant losses that were epic? For me, this would include a certain fishing trip, and the picture of the one that got away. Or the ones I tossed back. The digital images, I don’t have an answer, but the digital record — and a way to display that — is the perfect way to celebrate Aquarius. Perfect gift, something like that frame and the images on the chip.



The Fishes

As Mars approaches Neptune, both in Pisces? What’s the best gift? Get that special Pisces a generic gift card. Look, Amazon or iTunes both sell cards, available just about anywhere. It’s perfect because the active stuff activating Pisces at this time? Confusion. Mars plus Neptune? Wildly inappropriate drives, desires, and possibly Pisces actions. Not all bad, just, you know, too much fun at the office Xmas party, you know what I mean? Then, this is sort of goosed by the Mercury in Retrograde, so it’s weird. Best course of action? Getting a gift for a befuddled Pisces? Get a gift card.

“Great, a gift card,” the Pisces mutters, “now I have to do all the work, slog out to the store, select the gift, pay the extra tax. Figures you’d suggest this.”

Pisces: you’re welcome from the bottom of my heart. You’ll see.



The Ram

The company I like is called REI, originally, from Seattle. Back before Seattle was coffee, heroin, grunge, and artisanal. It’s also a national chain, now, so it would seem. The trick is, I used to have a “purse fetish,” as I was forever looking in catalogs and stores, trying to find the optimal travel gear. I travel much less now, and I seriously doubt I’ll be scaling any peaks, so the real need for travel gear, in my own life? Pretty limited. But the need for some kind of “Bag it, tag, and let’s roll!” That type of adventure, rough and tumble, ready for anything? Yes, an Aries needs that. There are number of military, and military-inspired, packs, backpacks, shoulder luggage, any one of a number of types of packs that would work. It’s “outdoorsey,” and a “ready for action” look that’s required. For some, this looks a lot like survivalist gear. Sure. Or the Army-Navy Surplus store. For my tastes? I’d suggest, for Aries, a quick trip to REI, we need to be ready for any kind of action. It’s that Jupiter as it opposes Uranus.



The Bull

The perfect Xmas gift for Taurus? A scarf. Length, width, size, weight, color, all of that varies. In one case, it’s a “bed scarf,” reflecting the latest — and hottest — trend in hotel bedding. Instead of a bedspread, the current thing is a bed scarf.

I’m not making this up. I couldn’t. Consider the bed scarf, or the long wrap that can be used to hide with, or even my ubiquitous bandana. Any of these are good. I discovered, after too many years of colds and coughs that a simple neck wrap, I prefer a soft cashmere-like, wool-like material, just a simple wrap and sports coat, and I’m good. I know at least one Taurus who will look particularly fetching in a light blue silk scarf to fend off the South Texas winter. She’ll fluff it up around her neck, and that’s the style. This doesn’t have to be complex. It’s not complicated. I’ve found these in super stores, dollar stores, and malls, or mall-like places. I’m going for cheap, because, well, I’m cheap. But it doesn’t have to be cheap, it can be an exotic design from a famous fashion designer, suitable for framing. Still, the idea, what to get the Taurus as we’re stuck with last minute “present panic?” A scarf. Bed scarf, neck scarf, expensive, cheap, doesn’t matter. Picked according to needs of the buyer. How cool is that?



The Twins

I tend to suggest Marcus Aurelius to my Saturn-inflicted friends. For Gemini, this next year, Saturn is less an infliction, and more like an inflection. It’s subtle change, but poignant.

Yes, Mercury is Retrograde, and by now, if you’re a regular reader of my material, you’re aware of how fond I am of “The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius.” A good portion of the material was written in Germany, in the winter, and it was on failing campaign, for Marcus Aurelius. Not a happy place, and that might be reflected in some of his comments. Still, with Saturn passing the halfway point in Sagittarius? For some winter comfort, for Gemini? A nice, there’s a fairly new version available, a new translation that’s a little more “new-age” and heavy on comfort for a situation that requires a bit of a stoic outlook. Simply put, for the next few weeks? Marcus Aurelius is a source of comfort for Gemini.

There’s always digital sample, freely available on the website. It’s rather daed translation, so it might not be the best example, but for one Gemini? Free is good.



Moon Child

As long as Mercury is Retrograde, like it is? He’s Retrograde, directly across the Heavens from Cancer, too. As long as this is an ongoing situation? Perfect gift for a Cancer? A blank book. Perhaps a nice, leather-bound journal, with hundreds of empty pages, maybe a nice pen to go along with the blank book. This is about potentials and potentiality, and the blank book represents the new year.

What’s up ahead. Cancer can write down whatever Cancer wants. It’s all there. It can be a dream journal, an abundance journal, a series of affirmations, one Moon Child? He’s got a list of mortal enemies who must suffer ignominy and ultimate failure — at his hands — in the new year. He’s got a list of those he wishes to bring to justice. To me, it looks like a group folks, and he wants revenge. Remind me, don’t ever abuse a Moon Child. If a simple blank book, maybe one of those cool-looking Moleskine-type? If that’s not enough, one place has notebook pockets, a simple clip and sleeve for holding pens and pencils for writing in that suave-appearing journal. It’s about potentials in the new year, and this Mercury Retrograde is just reminding Cancer the the new year is fraught with possibilities.

The Leo:

The Leo

The Lion

One fishing buddy, he’s got, he had, a new (American brand) 4 door truck with all the options. Lifted, tires that, individually, cost more than a whole set for a hybrid. To believe him, there was more than 75K wrapped up in that new truck with the dealer options then add-ons, and everything, but an alarm system. Oh, he had one of those, it just wasn’t engaged because the truck was parked in his front drive. In the garage? He’s got an old dirt bike, close to ten years old, now. Dirt bike isn’t worth much. Ceremoniously, when he’s drinking beer on an odd afternoon, usually in the late summer, early fall, he’ll go over and stand own the pegs of the bike and fire up the motor. Been over a year since he’s done it last. That truck, it was 2016 model year, and I speak in past tense. It was stolen from his front yard. My buddy won’t admit it, but there was probably an excess of adult beverages that evening, and he didn’t arm the alarm on the truck. When he came out to go to work in the morning? Truck was gone.

The message? That dirt-bike in the garage? Hardly worth anything. Make room in The Leo garage, to park what is most valuable. Make room for the items that are most dear. In this situation, a $75K truck was lost so that there was room for an old, not even street legal, dirt bike hardly worth $500. The gift for The Leo is space for what’s most dear.



The Virgin

The old adage, I’ve long ascribed to myself, is that the Virgo will love cleaning supplies. I’m cheap. I’m really, notoriously frugal to a fault. For one Virgo, and this was a big hit, I stopped off with ten bucks at the dollar store. I got a handful of cheap cleaning supplies and a couple of plastic containers to put those cleaning supplies into, and the idea? It worked. Big hit.

Buying for a Virgo? It’s not just the cleaning supplies themselves, to make this work? There’s got to be a reusable container or two. One of those buckets with a handle, for carrying around cleaning tools? Maybe some extra plastic, Tupperware-Like containers? That sort of add-on. Not just supplies. That’s cruel. Then package this up. Packaging, to keep the Virgo happy? Packaging, utilitarian, functional, all those good qualities.

As a final word of advice, though? No spray starch. “Why did you get me spray starch? You know you won’t let me iron your ‘precious’ Hawaiian shirts.”



The Scales

Because I’m Sagittarius, and because I’m wrestling with Saturn demons, what I was looking for, as gift for Libra? Something easy, easy to get, and something with meaning, perhaps to keep the Libra passion alive, and then something with a lingering scent. It’s soft, gentle, nothing hideous like that Raisin-Apple-Cider-Vinegar-Pumpkin-Spice hideous faux fall smells. There’s one store, and I can’t stand to enter the place. That fake smell nauseates me. Depends on the Libra budget, but someplace between a perfume votive and giant week-long miasmic aromas three-wick wonders. Scented candles, if the idea isn’t clear. Anywhere from cheap and simple to complex arrangements, as I know some folks who make candles and lace the homemade goodies with various, metaphysically correct oils, unguents and other goodies.

All depends on the target Libra, and what the message is. I got one Libra her favorite, some combination of “red” and apple scents — my only request? Don’t burn that thing when I’m around.



The Scorpion

One of the most archaic forms of data transmittal? The ubiquitous business card. Two inches by three and half inches, there’s not much space for a lot of data. Perfect gift for a Scorpio, especially now?

I’m sure, some spot on the web, there’s a deal on business cards, delivered, overnight. However, that’s only part of it. What a good Scorpio needs, at this moment is a way to leave a “Calling Card,” which is what business cards are originally derived from, think, back in the day. A simple, yet effective form of communication is what we’re looking for. A business card. Here’s the hot tip, for Scorpio: my latest version of business card includes my business name, astrofish.net, my name, and how to contact me, with a phone, an email, plus a twitter handle. All I got. Three points of contact.

I was imagining the perfect Scorpio gift being nothing more than your name, plus a couple of forms of contact. Anymore, I rarely use the phone like that. However, this is both archaic and modern, so the phone number, the email and one other form of contact.

As a Scorpio gift, though, think, too, that a physical address might not be desirable. So buying for the Scorpio? This is almost cheap, and I know a number of places that advertise a small package of printed business cards for a mere few dollars. That’s exactly what we’re looking for, as Scorpio needs a calling card, maybe and email and cell phone number, and one other point of contact, but not too much, no titles, or addresses.

“Here’s my card. Call me.”

“Here’s my card. E-mail me.”

“Here’s my card. Follow me.”



The Archer

Old school buddy, turned Western Evangelist, turned Eastern guru, he was the first to pound me about Marcus Aurelius. The perfect gift for a Sagittarius? While I have several well-thumbed copies of Marcus Aurelius Meditations, for any other Sagittarius who doesn’t have a copy? This is the perfect gift.

Marcus Aurelius is embraced by the Stoics, the Pagans, and the Christians. While I’ve got several translations and I’ll pick different ones from time to time, still, one of my favorites was that first one. Almost beat to an unreadable pulp, the book itself has been around the globe at least once, and there are notes from a previous owner. The text was a used bookstore find, and a glorious one, at that. The previous owner had annotated and underlined, dog-eared, several passages. Not really important as my marks and notes, plus dates I’ve employed the quote, that’s starting to take up space, too.

For Sagittarius? The quick answer isn’t easy, but a gently used, partially annotated copy of Marcus Aurelius Mediations? That’s perfect. For an example? I keep a free version hosted on my site, too, but that doesn’t count. It lacks previous scholarship that can be amusing at time.

Sagittarius, we’re looking for a Stoic with value added to it, somehow.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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