Horoscopes starting 8.17.2017

    Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?

    First Clown (Gravedigger):
    Why, because ’a was mad. ’A shall recover his wits there, or if ’a do not, ’tis no great matter there.

    Shakespeare’s Hamlet V.i.68-9

Mad dogs and Englishmen?

Horoscopes starting 8.17.2017

The Leo:

The Leo

The Leo

I have never been a big fan of the “Don’t leave the house” advice. Not when Mercury is merely retrograde. However, a simple statistic that backs up my suggestion of not taking the “Don’t leave the house” scenario that some will suggest? Nearly 100% — without fail — nearly 100% of the home–accidents happen at home. So staying at home, with a mattress over your heard, that might not work. Might be unavoidable issues that still manage to find your Leo self, no matter where you try and hide. Mercury is merely bringing back some problem, perhaps just a challenge that isn’t properly answered before. Here’s a chance to answer correctly, and never have to see this one again.

Be aware, Leo dear, that the mercurial issues will follow you around, and there’s no need to get heated about it. Then, too, enjoy the good birthday wishes!

Portable Mercury Retrograde


August 22, 2017, at 5:20 PM CDT — official, when Virgo starts. So? Mercury is still retrograde, and that’s not getting any better. Not really getting any worse, but there’s that extra layer of Virgo anxiety because Mercury is in a problematic state.

To cure the Mercury problems? Patience and pacing. There’s a special kind of shuffle that works well. Two forward, shift, backwards, two back then another shuffle forward and then backwards again. There’s a Texas-Two Step this resembles. I’ve seen it in the Boot-Scootin’ places. As a much younger person with less concern about appearances, I might have done it, myself. No video, so no witness that can independently verify that. That dance, with its slow crawl around the dance floor? Forward, backwards, forward again, in an almost baroque type shuffle? Perfect way to dance right on through this week’s weirdness for Virgo.


One my business buddies has this expression, made me think of Libra, at this week’s look. “I can show you my process, but I can’t explain it.” Part of a mantra that I — myself — subscribe to. The way this week’s weirdness quotient unfolds in Libra? There’s a simple process, I can show what steps to take, but I can’t explain why these steps work. Or how to do it yourself.

“I can show you my process, but I can’t explain it.”

There are simple steps. I tend to favor coffee as part of the Mercury Solution. Coffee, sometimes incense, sometimes candles, which it might seem is a little farther out, but as a Libra, we’re grabbing for whatever works. My process is to understand how to correctly harness the retrograde energies: review, renew, revise.

Review. Renew. Revise.

That would be part of the practice. Other parts? Other steps for Libra?

“I can show you my process, but I can’t explain it.”


Attention to detail is important, and a good Scorpio — you’re reading this so you’re a good Scorpio — a good Scorpio is always attentive to details. Herein is the trouble, as this weekend? Until we roll into next week, pretty much? These details will be illusive, at best. Or, at worst? “I fixed that, dammit.” Yes, yes you did, but the screw came undone, the bolt worked loose, the latch didn’t latch properly, something.

“I fixed that, dammit.”

Yes, yes you did, but with the current state of affairs? Consider that you have to repeat the patch at least twice. Not that this is bad, but with multiple copies of a single document floating around, I’ll correct — what I think is — the master copy, only to have the same error, the one I’ve already corrected, resurface. Gremlins? Snarky co-workers? Family? Or, is this a function of Mercury in its condition played against that pesky Mars still in Leo?

Might have to patch it two or three times to get it to take.

“I fixed that, dammit.”

Yeah, I know. Now fix it again.


I never mastered the art of negotiation. I’m not any good at it. I come up with perfect ripostes, an hour later. That great offer? The perfect counter-offer to the original proposition? Yes, I’ll think of the correct answer — after the deal closes. No where is this kind of snappy retort more useful — or too late — than this week. Part of the problem. That “Virgo perfect” answer? After the other party has walked away and is out of earshot? Yeah, that’s when the answer will pop into our heads. I tend to believe that’s a universal order to the way things happen, and I tend to believe that our delayed reaction might be to our benefit. Can we, as a Sagittarius, understand that the answers we don’t fire back, the snappy retort, the perfect riposte, the zinger, the “Back at ya” commentary? Perhaps this is a time when those comments, since they are being kept to ourselves, perhaps this is the perfect time to keep them to our selves. With Mercury heinously retrograde in a Mercury Sign (Virgo), making a tension angle to Sagittarius (square), maybe, just maybe, that witty response? Our usually snarky and comedic, with the right amount of bite? Maybe it’s OK not to have that at the ready, maybe, this week, we’re flummoxed. And that’s OK, too.


There was one day, one day when it all worked like it was supposed to. Hot summer morning, I tend to wake early and walk in the dawn’s early light. Then I’ll be home and tapping away on a keyboard, brewing coffee. The noises vary from early morning dumpster runs behind suburban centers to, and this is more an echo, the first flights lifting off from an airport. In the dawn’s stillness, there’s the distant noise of commercial jets spooling up their motors to blast off down the runway. One day, it all came together. I walked, a Sagittarius served me morning coffee, and on the way home, I had a brilliant insight I made note, in the dark, my phone glowing and showing a way. Then, upon getting home, I stepped up to the keyboard and all the right words fell out, like they were supposed to.

One day. That one day. It worked so well, that one day.

Probably not going to happen this week, although, you are Capricorn, it could. It could work out that one day, this week, in the next six or seven working days, one day? It will all work like it is suppose to — all the pieces conspire to fit perfectly. Regrettably, what with Mercury and all? Yeah, one day, and we’re not even sure which day that will be, so? So pretend every day will be the one day. Easier that way.


Winning doesn’t always mean winning. Triumphant victory and vanquish a foe? Sure, sounds good. Sounds a little medieval, too. Most Aquarius are far from “medieval,” just suggesting.


However, with the way the planets line up, or, for Aquarius, the way the planets oppose and irritate? I kept thinking of broadswords in a fight, the clash of titans against titans, until at some point, you’re both too tired to continue the fight.

Amusing, to me, as sometimes, we forget what we were fighting about. So there might be an easier way to settle this dispute, this hardship, this problem, this, for lack of better word, this fight? Maybe settle. Look for a compromise.


I have two, stunningly similar Pisces girls who have this going on, even now? Girls. Excuse me, I’m sorry, women. Strong women at that. Never questioned that. The amusing way it plays out, both females are stuck in a similar part of the world. One loves it. Adores everything. Absolutely loves where she is, and how she is. What she has going on, loves it all. The other? Hates it. Hates everything about the location. Hates the experience. Can’t wait to get back to where she’s from. Nearly identical in size, shape, number of kids, I mean, man, it’s spooky. So similar and yet, so at the opposite ends of the spectrum on one issue that is so familiar.

There’s a split within Pisces, and there’s that polarizing effect, either it’s black, or it’s white, but there are no gray areas, not to Pisces, not at this moment. Wherein is the trouble, and how I earn my money: it’s all a gray area, right now. Virgo, I mean, Mercury, in Virgo, dawdling, meandering, and poking along backwards? Yeah, no absolutes, not right now. By the end of this horoscope’s duration I expect to hear from both those Pisces and have them both change their directions. Again.

It’s not as black and white as one would like. More like a gray area.

Portable Mercury Retrograde


The answer for this week? for Aries? It’s subtle and nuanced.

“I don’t do ‘subtle and nuanced,’ you stupid astrologer.”

Yeah, that’s the problem, to tease out the meaning, the correct direction, and the best course of Aries action? “Subtle and nuanced” is my answer.

“Can’t you give a straight answer?”

I did. The answer, for Aries?

“Subtle and nuanced.”

No jumping to conclusions. Just because this looks like the most correct path — at this moment — it might change.

“Subtle and nuanced.”

Repeat as need be.

“Subtle and nuanced.”


I’ve listened to all of Shakespeare’s plays two or three times now, each and every one. Doesn’t mean I paid attention to them all, but at some point, the material does seep into my mind. It was a life-learning goal, and I accomplished it. I was cherry-picking while Mercury is retrograde in Virgo, I was hand-picking some of the plays to listen to, and I was changing up the order. As I looked it, the order I listened to originally, it was Histories, Comedies, then Tragedies. Then, of course, the “problem plays,” usually masques and the apocrypha. The last third of the canon, the way I had those audio files organized? All tragedies. So, when I got to the end of the project, the first time around, I was full of tragedies, and not exactly happy.

As long as we’re dealing with Mercury in Retrograde? Be willing to change the order of delivery. Sure, it was instrumental in my education to hear those plays in order, but this week, for Taurus? It’s quite all right to jump to the comedies, especially in light of the way things have been lately.


Special Gemini shout-out you know who you are. “Look, smart fishing Shakespeare weirdo guy, I got three deals cooking. I need them all of them to fall in place, no matter where Mercury is. Or isn’t.”

Special Gemini shout-out: I can promise one of the three will close, resolve, or jackpot. Win. One of the three will win, and win big. It’s the Virgo energy, pushing, pulling, and otherwise coercing that issue, project, thing, whatever it is, whatever your deal is? One will occur, in good order, despite the — according to some — negative impact of the planets. One of the three will close.

The way it falls out, with this stranger than usual Mercurial Influence? The one you need to the least, pays the most, and is the one you thought was a long shot? That’s the winner, in the next few days. Then, before the next horoscope appears, a second one will start working like it is supposed to.

That’s two out of three.

“But I need all three to work out!”

I’m good, but I started with suggesting only one would work out to a successful conclusion. Remember?


Venus will “square” Uranus, Venus in Cancer, Uranus in Aries, and that creates a supremely weird energy for Moon Children. Typically, I’ll pretend that this is a disturbance caused by Mercury in Retrograde, but realistically, this is “No one saw that coming” kind of time. Truly weird. Not bad, just different.

When offered a new way to see a tired old problem? Consider it a gift. The change in view can offer hitherto unnoticed solutions. Different pathways to get there from here.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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