Horoscopes 3.22.2018

Presumptuous priest, this place commands my patience,
Or thou shouldst find thou hast dishonor’d me.

Gloucester in Shakespeare’s
Henry VI, part 1 (III.i.8-9)

Mercury turns retrograde, Mars 22, 2018. (Stays RX until April 15, funny, huh.)

Horoscopes starting 3.22.2018



Aries The Ram

It’s called, “Escaping the whirlwind.” According to one buddy of mine, the biggest problems in the current era is that we get swept up in the moment — staying in the moment is important — but then we all get swept up within the whirlwind. We get pulled in, sucked up, and suddenly, it’s the items on our phone, or social media feed, or e-mail, messages. Something. That becomes the focal point. We get sucked into the whirlwind. Easy enough to see the happening and around your birthday, there’s usually a deluge of incoming material about this, right?

To avoid being sucked into the whirlwind, the maelstrom’s vortex, in order to avoid that? Use the off switch. Most electric devices have one. Unplug, turn it off, leave it alone, let the battery die. That disconnects your fine Aries self from that sucking vortex that can eat away at time otherwise better spent, better spent doing….

There’s a single image that should go with this, with roots that predate current events, that’s for sure. It’s the image of whirling vortex of ferocious energy, and then, off to one side, there’s the the calm. Be the calm by removing yourself from the whirlwind.

“But I go to check my email, first.”

No, no you don’t. It can wait.

“But messages?”

Wait. Step side, Remove yourself from the whirlwind.



The Bull

How to prepare for the unexpected? If it is unexpected, then there is no way to expect it? Tired of my inane tautology? The Sun, Mercury (retrograde), Venus, and Uranus are all in Aries. To add to that weird flavor, the tautology I was referring to? At the very end of this scope, while Mercury is still in apparent retrograde motion, Uranus and Venus make a disquieting conjunction. Venus is the main planet for Taurus; Uranus, not so much.

Guarantee, this one stirs up more crap for Taurus than you like. Guaranteed.

What you do, how your Taurus self decides to react to the stirred up muck?

Just, as a suggestion realize that there will be something that will emerge, which, in fact, proves to be very, very good for you. The problem being, at the moment, yeah, won’t look so good. Be patient. Be Taurus patient, despite what other planets urge.



The Twins

Owls are deeply symbolic across many traditions. In one, they are considered the voice of the dead, but I tend to interpret the imagery a little differently. More like being able to see in the limited light of night, and yes, I have a totemic owl nearby. Really mornings and right at twilight, I can hear the great owl — think he’s a regular “Great Horned Owl,” rather commonplace as predators go, doing his “who-who” as a message and call.

We spotted him one evening, sitting astride a telephone pole, his ear tufts sticking up and making the shape obvious it wasn’t just an electrical can transformer. As the owl took wing, his span was close to half the length of the phone pole’s cross member. Six feet, wing span at three? Estimate the owl was near two feet tall.

At least one client gets freaky-scared when I talk about owls, as they are only harbingers of death. Certainly true in one interpretation. However, in this case, it’s wildlife in an urban setting, and wildlife who has adopted to the changes. Increase in human means means increase in rodents means an increase in food supply. That owl is happy. Maybe not so happy I was trying to observe him, but that’s the way it goes, right, Gemini dear?

Like the old as a harbinger of death, like Mercury in apparent retrograde, this is all subject to interpretations. My suggestion, with the current state of Gemini mental gymnastics? Look for more than one — apparent — way to understand the current conditions. Can mean more things than one.


The Crab - the Moonchild

The Crab

Time for a new take on an old problem.

Fishing, not so very long ago, we were coast inshore fishing — bay fishing, to me, and? I felt a really light “bite” on the line I had in hand. Didn’t jiggle the pole so much as there was just the faintest quiver in the line itself, which, to me, meant a fish was interested. I waited, no motion for a moment, then the line jiggled again. I gave a sweeping pull to set the hook and started to reel in a fish — what I thought was fish. Turned out to be a little blue crab, a female, she’d already dropped her eggs and she had the hook in one crab claw while she was pulling herself off a meal with the other.

That crab held on until she was sitting on the floor of the boat, eye-to-eye with my toes. Her little crab legs scrambled, and they could find no purchase on the fiberglass, resin-coated decking.

Still gripping the food, my bait, it was part of an oily Skipjack I used for cut bait, the tenacious crab couldn’t let go of the problem.

Eventually, the crab became bait herself, all because she wouldn’t let go of the problem. With the planets — including Mercury in Retrograde — in Aries? Maybe it’s time to let go of that tasty morsel of dead fish, might save you from becoming bait yourself.

The Leo

The Leo

The Leo

So many times, I’m reminded, “Presentation is everything.” Personally, as a Sagittartius, not a majestic Leo, I’ll take the easy way out on the presentation thing. I’m lazy. I’m not The Leo.

“Presentation” can carry slightly different interpretations from person to person, but in this context, what I’m working with, it has to do with what you wear, and how wear it. I first learned about “draping” from one of CHL buddies, an early adopter.

This has nothing to do with a gun debate, either. What he taught mew was about how the clothing “draped” over his tiny holster covering up his tiny handgun, legally concealed and legally carried, for whatever perceived threatened he was armed for. Most important, though, was that he looked like he wasn’t armed. The clothing had to drape correctly.

So this isn’t near any argument about guns or concealed carry, this is about “draping,” and how that makes a certain Leo look. It’s about presentation, how we cover what we cover, or how we don’t cover what we don’t cover. All depends.



The Virgin

The temptation is to interpret events larger than they need to be. That means, there’s an influence that would have you blow the issue out of proportion, make it bigger than it really is. Old piece of advice? Applies to this week’s Virgo?

“Inside every small problem is largest problem, trying to get out!”

As a lover of all things Virgo, myself, I would suggest this is one of those weeks when the small problems that are trying to claw their ways out? Let well enough alone. If their wee little claws can’t find purchase therein then there is nothing to be afraid of, at all. Being thusly warned?

At least one Virgo will respond with how out-of-touch I am. Can’t I see that there is a bigger issue, about to crumble, the end is near, all-hope-is-lost!

Oh my.

All from a tiny problem that your Virgo mind latched onto, and let it roll on out the door.

Don’t give the tiny problems purchase. Once they secure a toehold in the Virgo world?

The end is near!



The Scales

Let’s not complicate this week’s images. Keeping it simple is a challenge, even for the most dedicated Libra, and with Mars getting closer and closer to Saturn, the urge to complicate matters gets stronger and stronger. I was thinking about this in terms of attire. Yes, for Libra, the outfit matters, but then, there’s also the accessories. However, there are some days, the best way to show off the Libra — well — whatever it is you’re trying to show off? Sometimes, simpler is better.

Watching a certain Libra recently, made me think about that. Sure, there can be gold chains and dangly earrings, and big, banging bracelets, but the simplest outfit? Yoga pants, black T, light windbreaker.

Instead of complicating the outfit with scarfs, and excessive jewelry, accessories are important, but this week?

Making an effort to un-complicate a situation, like that outfit, shows off the situation, like that outfit, perfectly well. Even better, really.

Mars. Mars and Saturn, in Capricorn.




I was in the express lane at the big box store, two items. All I had, two items. Guy in front of me was older, slightly stooped, merry grin, and he commented that the guy in front of him shouldn’t be long. I watched, demurred, smiled, as is my wont, making my usual sardonic comment, “The other line moves faster,” and waited. And waited. When the guy in front of us started digging around in his billfold for ID, then various other credit cards, I realized my tactical mistake. I glanced up, noted another line that seemed to be moving quicker, although, to be sure, some woman had just unloaded a cart of various candies. I violated my own — dictum and jumped into the other line. Last time I looked back, the two guys in that first line? Still there.

The observation is that “The other line moves faster.”

Which means, in translation to Scorpio? Jumping to the other line usually avails you naught.

That being noted, in my very specific Scorpio example — jumping the line to another check-out? That did allow for some forward progress. While this is highly situational, as a theme for the week ahead, consider that it is OK to try something new and different, even if it goes against the established guidelines, like, “The other line moves faster.”




Once upon a time, I offered a panacea as a “Cure-all for Mercury Retrograde woes.” I still have copies for sale, someplace on the sites, I’m unsure of where.

There is a problem with call it a “cure” as that implies a guaranteed solution, and as anyone will explain, there are no guarantees when the little one spins out of control. Realistically, Mercury isn’t spinning out of control, but he does unleash a bit of havoc and chaos, that offends some signs. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but with the various other planets, this makes for a rather discomfited week in Sagittarius.

You’ve been warned.

My suggestion, advice, timely, and sage? Drag out one of the old cure-all devices I’ve used in the past: the paper notebook. I found a deal at a dollar store for — predictably — a dollar. Perfect, little larger than a pocket notebook, unlined, but small enough to be “portable,” which is what this is about. Make notes. Sketch ideas — on paper. With pen or pencil. Crayon, I don’t care. Maybe, there is one Sagittarius, “It will be etched in my blood…”

Little overly dramatic, but yeah, if it works, still analog, like I suggested.

That “cure-all” isn’t going to “cure” anything, but there will be some ideas hatched, especially this week, in the Sagittarius brain-space, and we need a way to remember those for a time when Mercury is not so Retrograde.

Hence analog.

You do get it, right?

Sagittarius: There is no cure, but there is a solution.




The Sea Goat

At least one Capricorn buddy will chime in and suggest it isn’t working, but I’ve spent many years learning to be less of an ass. It’s not a dedicated course, more like a trajectory, with a parabolic-looking route, getting from where I am at to where I think I should be.

As a cool Capricorn, there is an issue some folks have with an aspect to what makes you you.

Weakness? Flaw? Or hidden asset?

I’m hardly the person to be making the judgement call on that, “Weakness or strength,” and especially not for a Capricorn, but switching it up? Your Capricorn self might be a little hard on yourself to make that call, either. Setting a possible course for self-improvement along one course, no judgement, no definition, but setting out in a what seems like a new, good direction? That’s part of what this is about. Like how I resolve to be less of ass.

“We can all see how that’s working.”

Perhaps resolve to be a little less snarky to asinine astrologers?



The Water Bearer

Online, there was one of those memes about, “When life gives you lemons...” and how each sign would react. Some lemons are bitter. Some are tart. Some lemons are almost sweet. A lesser sign, perhaps an air sign with less backbone than Aquarius will freak out at the “Lemons” comment. Some folks will get it. Others? Not so much. The divisive nature of the times means understanding when to express moral outrage, and when that moral indignation is better served as a private disgust.

There is an episode, included in this week’s Aquarius forecast that presages lemons. Individually, these will vary from bitter to sweet to tart. Individually, how you choose to deal with the lemons? That’s what this message is about.

Lemons are supposed to be tart, sour, acidic. I think that’s the main ingredient, acetic acid, clean, strong, powerful —

One buddy will groan, “Not lemons, again.” One buddy will grin, “Lemonade!” Finally, we all know one of these, “Lemons! Tequila shots!”

Yeah, there’s always that one. The trick is to celebrate this week’s lemons for what they are, however that shows up.



The Fishes

“But if you really love me, you’ll do this one thing.”

Right, used it before? Yes, I know I’ve used that line before, not recently, as I am loathe to pay the consequences, but I have heard it a time or two.

As a darling Pisces person, the reason I thought the of that line, or one kind of like it? I was listening to a certain opera, and the one guy sings that to this one female, and the results are, as one might expect, not good.

But my weird musical affectations aside, the idea is that it is a family line. I would suspect it is one that you will hear, but if you find yourself using it? Can’t say I didn’t warn you about the consequences of using a line like that.

So what I’m asking of Pisces for this week?

“If you really love me, you’ll do this one thing.”

Yeah, if you really love me, you won’t use that line. Or fall prey to it.

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About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person.

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