The King is angry, see, he gnaws his lip.

Catesby in Shakespeare’s Richard III III.iv.2.27

For immediate release

The way I learned it, a press release, in proper format, started with the headline, “For Immediate Release,” followed by the pitch. At least two copy writers I’ve known claimed that their press releases were so well crafted that they were frequently published, back when newspapers were more common, those press releases were often published verbatim, as news.

A press release was supposed to answer the questions, Who, What, Why, and When?

So, as a novelty item, getting ready for next holiday celebrations? Horoscopes that start out with: For Immediate Release…

Horoscopes starting 6.28.2018

For Immediate Release: Horoscopes starting 6.28.2018

Cancer

For Immediate Release… Mars in Retrograde — The typical Cancer personality is super easy for me to get along with, once I have a basic understanding that I am dealing with a typical Cancer Moon Child energy. That applies to Rising Sign, Moon Sign, Sun Sign, or even just a satellite in a natal chart that represents similar energies. Typically, this is a “We get along with anyone” type of sign, until, Mars goes Retrograde, and degrades certain characteristics that I find charming. Because I am aware of the current state of affairs, I get less worked up, and I’ve learned — through years of applied study — to dismiss certain snubs. Borrowing a Libra axiom, “Some do, some don’t, who’s next?”

Happy birthday?

The Leo

For Immediate Release… Mars in Retrograde as it aspects The Leo planets, and now, Mars in aspect, and given this retrograde motion? This affects the boss, the coworkers, the secretary, the minions, or, as best described, “Those who work around, near, above or below you.” The typical short-term affect is it looks they have all been struck with the dumb stick. “Struck with the dumb stick? Seriously? Looks like they all ran into a forest of those dumb sticks!” Yes, and hit everyone of them.

This is part of the longer process, and it will get easier, but that will be long after birthdays are done. Instead of struggling with this, or worse, struggling against this? Why not use that energy? OK, so that didn’t work. Next choice? Seriously, what is the next best choice for The Leo?

Virgo

For Immediate Release… Umbrella drinks, a fad in the post-war years, the mid-century modern movement, be my guess. The drinks with umbrellas? Adding an umbrella to a fruity concoction of dubious alcoholic content, sort of depends, but adding that little, paper umbrella? Triples the value of the cocktail. One place, in Austin, on the lake, does that — exactly. A three dollar drink, with a piece fruit and umbrella? Price triples. Not being much a drinking man these days, I don’t know, for sure. My inclination is that there is the same ingredients, just a piece of pineapple skewered and the aforementioned paper umbrella. Pineapple is high in fiber, should be good for a body, but the alcohol might temporarily negate that healthy aspect of the garnish. The way to — effectively — deal with the Mars energy? Remember that an umbrella that might cost a penny can triple the price of that cocktail. I’d get the regular swill instead of the fancy one.

Virgo: (hashtag) just sayin’. Mars? Mars makes the umbrella look like a luxury when the perspicacious Virgo mind knows better.

Libra

For Immediate Release… Mars, in this position, tends to make it easier to define who you are, as a Libra, but the retrograde position? That tends to cloud the issue. There are compounding factors, but basically, this about testing a new you, but this is only in hypothetical, testing phase. Like, I’ll try on a certain shirt, not like the way it fits, then try on a different pair of shorts. I’m down to — basically — two pairs of sandals, and if one doesn’t “feel right,” I’ll grab the other pair. Same brand, same size, different colors and one is — to me — slightly softer straps. But I doubt I could prove that to anyone else. However, as the idea of testing out a new look? Try those sandals with these shorts, and then swap out for a different shirt. About all I got; it’s summer in Texas. It’s about testing a new Libra way to make a statement. It’s about a new way to assert Libra dominance, a way to show control of the Libra environment, a way to be in charge of your own destiny. The pattern suggests new ideas are coming through, but not all new ideas might be great. Worth trying out, for sure, but maybe not quite ready to show everyone.

Scorpio

For Immediate Release… While I admire my Scorpio buddies to no end? There is a kind of ruthless energy that can be present, and this week? It is not a good look for Scorpio. That Mars Retrograde pattern, where it is at the moment? Yeah, no. Heartless, but ultimately good, yes, I know the energy. The most common refrain, what I don’t like to hear, especially from a Scorpio, but so properly evokes this week’s Mars thing?

“This is going to hurt you a lot worse than it’s going to hurt me.”

Did I mention my abiding fondness and admiration for all things Scorpio? I hope so.

In this next week? Curb that ruthless energy as it doesn’t win friends, arguments, or make the world a better place. I mean, you might win the argument at the time, but that will — look at Mars — it will come back and get you. It will get you, and not in a fun way.

Scorpio: For now? Curb the ruthless style.

Sagittarius

For Immediate Release… Back in the day, it was simple: Vasoline Intensive Care lotion. That was the great secret to better skin care. I recall a cold-water bed-sit in old East Austin, and I had a big canister of that stuff, each evening, after time on the lake, fishing, or whatever, I would grease up. Skin care. Simple, yet effective. Pretty sure I’ve chronicled this exciting adventure some place else, but yes, that was the great secret. I recall one skin care specialist, when I was doing a reading, she told the great secret to looking much younger than she really was? Same brand of lotion. Just as simple hand lotion. These days, if I use lotion, it has to be free-range, no animal by-product, and not tested on animals, plus, ergonomic. Organic? I don’t know, I get the cheap stuff, when I can. But the brand doesn’t matter as much as the solution to the Mars woes foisted upon Sagittarius, slather, dip, apply in bulk, whatever brand of cheap lotion you’ve got on hand that works. Varies from Sagittarius to Sagittarius, but the best solution? Layer on that lotion to moisturize and preserve our hides, as we’re going to need it in the next few days.

Capricorn

For Immediate Release… If you, as a mighty Capricorn, if you haven’t mastered the urban head nod? Get in front of a mirror and practice this gesture. It’s a simple lift of the chin, with the eyes staying locked on the target, a sly, bemused, shy smile. Or thin lipped, variations on a theme. It’s the head nod from the hood. A secret smile? At one time, the generic refrain was “S’up.” While based on an interrogative, a question, a greeting question about the nature of that which might be suspended? In this case, it’s more a statement, a gentle acknowledgement. The other gesture I would use, and I tend to do this when I’m navigating in car, these days, but a simple Vee-sign, peace sign to some, or maybe just a two-finger tap, to my heart. “Respect.” However, remember Mars? Don’t do both, although, there is a temptation to do so. One gesture, or the other. The message to convey is one of respect. I think the buzzword for this version of Mars in retrograde? For Capricorn? Genuflect.

Aquarius

For Immediate Release… “Dog ate my homework.” Remember that one? Any of my readers old enough to have either heard, or even tried that line? It’s a generic, throw-away phrase I use to blame the Fates, the furious Fates, the stars, anyone else but myself. There is an updated version, “There was a computer glitch.” There wasn’t a computer glitch; there was failure for a person to take any kind of action, and that resulted in no results. Can’t say I haven’t done this myself, as it has happened. So this is a week for the “Dog to eat the Aquarius homework.”

No, seriously, there was a computer glitch. A machine hiccuped, the network farted. The machine itself had an i/o error.

Helps if you have convenient 404, in old-school designation, helps if you have some kind of “File not found” image, preferably a screen grab of some kind, as a convenient excuse. In the coming week, blame Mars, there will be a “computer glitch,” at least thart’s what the Aquarius can say.

Pisces

For Immediate Release… While I was never really a fan of the Stoic Philosophers? One of the best surviving pieces of Stoic Literature? Marcus Aurelius and his Meditations. I use that frequently. Given the way things are falling apart for Pisces, at the moment, a little bit of stoicism goes a long way to putting the minor troubles and foils for those troubles, feels like Pisces, am I right? Or what? Part of this, though, is about being the responder, not the instigator. Falls well-within the Pisces realm of good skills. As the one who gets the ideas bounced off of, sort of the person, “Here, let me run this past you, see what you think…” kind of thing. So let me run this past you, Pisces, it’s not really about you, and your intuitive hit from this material is what’s important. How you let us know, and therein is part of the problem, when someone approaches you to “Run something past you,” that is frequently an opening for sales job. Back to the stoic philosophies, it is a great idea to listen to the pitch, listen to the problem, but it’s not a good time to offer advice. Or buy. Wait until next week.

Aries

For Immediate Release… In the good, old days? In the days of yore? Even buried in my book of quotation and aphorisms? “There is no lighter burden, nor more agreeable, than a pen.” (Petrarch) As Mars starts his descent into a kind of Aries living hell? Consider, while everyone else is getting ready to party and play? Summer holidays, July 4th — and the rest of the midsummer madness? Consider that the Aries joy lies in lifting that pen and putting it to work. I get an image of a quill’s nib, scratching across parchment, but the real noise of me writing is fingers on a keyboard. That’s how I work. My burden, and there is none greater, nor, for that matter more joyful, too. However, it is also — to some — a great burden, a difficult process. The way to use this week’s Aries energies is to find a way to make work fun.

Imagine trying to write each sign’s horoscope like a press release? Make it fun, amusing, turn it into a spirited Aries game, and that works.

Taurus

For Immediate Release… Let’s go back to the history books. Simplest way to help move Taurus through this difficult time? This “Mars in Retrograde” — especially while this unfolds with Mars backwards in Aquarius? Let’s go back to the history books. One of my treasured texts, part of a series, and actually, there is a companion, albeit not quite as interesting to some, but it satisfies my curiosity. Anyway, the book is called “A Roadside History of Texas.” I live in Texas. I’ve travelled the highway and byways for much of my life. The book was an invaluable reference 20 or more years ago, and to this day, I still use it as a way to uncover interesting historical facts about destination, and locations. As its companion, there is “Roadside Geology of Texas,” which, oddly enough, I seem to have more stray bits of paper with spurious noted on them about geological formation visible in various highway right-of-ways. Both of these are history texts, one is local history, clearly visible from the highway, and one is geological history, again, clearly visible. The trick with this kind of history? Remember that it requires a stop. Mars — in retrograde motion? Requires Taurus to stop and pause, long enough to see where the Cambrian rocks are exposed, or are where Davy Crockett spent the night. Pause, get out of the car. Look.

Gemini

For Immediate Release… The Gemini energies present? When confronted with the Mars in apparent retrograde motion? There is a gradual overhaul of spiritual principles. Belief systems, philosophical underpinnings in one’s life, the way we see the world? All of that. Big grouping, and to fine tune it, just a little? There’s a series of terms I’ve come to grips with; the difference between religion and spirituality? The way I understand it, at this moment, religion is an operating system it gives order to chaos, whereas spirituality is the user interfacing with that operating system. The current enemies are more difficult to work with but a little legwork, on the part of Gemini energies would be helpful. The critical point in here, in part, has to do with Gemini “critical thinking,” and applying that to the problem of religion then interpreting that through the lens of spirituality. Finally, the outcome for the week’s energies? Be fluid with that belief system — new data will become available, and every Gemini loves new data.