Week of: Dec. 15-21

"Dreams are toys;
Yet for this once, yea, superstitiously,
I will be squared by this."

-- Antigonus in Shakespeare's "Winter's Tale" (Act III, scene iii, lines
39-41)

Aries
While sugar-plum fairies dance in the heads of most other, lesser signs,
you are imminently practical and getting work done. That's the upside.
However, your three-month astrological check-up (from the neck up)
starts at the end of the week. While everyone plays and goes to parties,
you need to take a few minutes out of your hectic holiday schedule to
assess what direction you are going. And I mean right now. It'll be like
changing the oil in your truck, if you know what I mean.

Taurus
Speaking of good times to be had by all, it's another good week for the
bulls, even if the stock market is acting like a bear. If you try to
tell me how dire things are, I will not listen. If you persist, I will
be forced to recite Dr. Suess rhymes to protect myself. A fortunate
line-up of the stars late in the week helps you over the hump, so you'll
ride these holidays out with good cheer. Or maybe with a good chair.

Gemini
Mercury and the Sun do a dance this week in your sign. In some terms,
this would be referred to as "up close and personal" or "intimate." Call
it what you will but once the Sun flies past Mr. Mercury, you find
yourself in a better position. This whole retrograde thing is a mere
dream, right? I hope you don't sign any formal documents this week.

Cancer
The problem with being a Cancer is that you have a shell that you are
tempted, time and again (and with good cause, I might add) to retreat
into. That's the way this week works out. You start off strong and
confident but gradually your confidence erodes like a poorly designed
roadside geological cut that the highway department overlooked. By the
time the weekend gets here, you'll probably be following that famous
roadside sign's advice: "Look out for Falling Rock" (which shouldn't be
confused with Rolling Rock, a beverage).

Leo
This is a tough week. Tough to say anything nice about it. It's not like
you don't want to be a party animal, it's just that you don't FEEL like
one. Several astrological influences are affecting you, and while the
upshot of all this influence is ultimately for the best, it just doesn't
feel so hot to be in your paws this week. Maybe that's a clue, too, that
you need to give a everything a moment's pause to reflect.

Virgo
The problem with Mercury is that it is often closely associated with
your sign. As such, the characteristic need for order (that you so often
demonstrate) is stressed out by this little Retrograde thing. Eschew the
constant march for perfectionism this week. Remember two rules once
passed on to me by a wise teacher: Rule 1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule 2: It's all small stuff. Following these rules will help you cope.

Libra
The week gets off to rousing start and then, by the weekend, you just
feel like you need extra time in bed, asleep. Some would say that this
is a reaction to a planetary influence. I say it's because you have an
occasional lazy streak. With the planets lined up the way they are, it's
OK if you oversleep once this week. Don't push yourself hard, either. I
mean, it is the holidays, you know.

Scorpio
Ever notice how fast change can occur? One minute, everything is great,
and the next, it's like watching Spanish soap operas on tee-vee. You can
make out some of the words, but not all. You get the general gist of
things, but not the whole enchilada. Things move along, but you can't
seem to follow everything. Get the picture? Probably not. The deal is
this: everyone around you seems to be speaking in a foreign tongue.
Don't try to translate, just stick to what you know.

Sagittarius
I was tuning the Sagittarius Astrology Fish Finder for this week and
came up with some interesting information. Send me a note and let me
know that everything will be OK. Mercury is retrograde and Pluto is
doing a number on me. All early-degree Archer-types are having troubles
with bows and arrows this week, so be compassionate. We need all the
roadside assistance we can get.

Capricorn
Say goodbye to Mars and hello to Lady Luck. Under the
"not-so-benevolent" influence of Mercury in your Solar 12th House, you
feel a little under the weather like being in Fairbanks, Alaska, during
a week like this. It's not a pretty sight. Or site. The operative word
is "frozen." Now, before you send me weather reports, think about it.
In fact, I urge you to spend as much time as possible "thinking about
it" because that's what you do best this week.

Aquarius
Mars brings a cutting edge to all that you do. And Mars lines up nicely
with Venus to make this cutting edge sharper (but no Yuppie toy store
Sharper Image jokes). Get out the old address book, and look up long
lost loves. Send them a postcard. Tickle their fancies, while being
prepared for someone interesting to tickle yours.

Pisces
This is the last tee-vee sitcom metaphor I will ever use with you. I
promise. Well, at least for a little while. The series I refer to this
week was about a family called Robinson, and they were "Lost in Space."
I would stick to this allegory for the week rather than "boldly going
where no one has been before" because the lost part fits better.

Week of: Nov. 10-16

"O! here
Will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
>From this world-wearied flesh."
-- Romeo from Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" (V.iii.109-11)

Aries
Look at your relationship right now. Is it all it can be? Does it require
rigorous training? Should your relationship join the Army? There's a thought.
Consider undergoing strenuous relationship training this week. For you Bubbas,
try saying, "I feel..." followed by a real feeling and not something like, "I
feel... like I need another beer." For you Bubbettes, try saying, "I feel...
like watching the Cowboys with you this weekend." For nine out of ten Bubbas,
you will have won their undying love and devotion.

Taurus
There are times when it's pretty interesting being a Taurus. This is one of
those times, unlike the last few weeks. Of course, the overriding planetary
sentiment right now is about relationships and love, and you can thank the
heavens that your personal stars aren't nearly as inauspicious as Romeo's.
However, be prepared to begin the week with one of "those talks" with your
insignificant other.

Gemini
Well, bless your pointed and multi-faceted little head! While Romeo moans
about his miserable state and considers a lethal cocktail of cold medicine and
rat poison, you are headed the other way: straight to home base, home plate,
the big score, everything. Yes, you get a heavenly nudge from the planets
early in the week, and things just get better and better. Trust me.

Cancer
You have a lot in common with Romeo in the quote "O! here/ Will I set up my
everlasting rest/ And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars/From this world-
wearied flesh." Looks like you and Romeo are on the same path, metaphorically
speaking. Now, if ol' Romeo had just stayed his hand a little longer, his
beloved would have arisen, and all would be well and they would have gone on
to have gotten each other's name tatooed on their butts, developed a tee-veeO
series, talk shows, etc. Tragedy or Comedy? You decide this week.

Leo
This isn't such a good week for you. If anything is going to happen, it will
be surprising and upsetting. Thinking about Romeo and weddings, the best thing
I can suggest is to not wed any routines because life will be far from routine
this week. Even mundane events are likely to change. Find a creative way
around challenges. You'll need it. Good thing you are the creative type.

Virgo
Romeo was a tragic kid with a tragic flaw in a tragic situation. Other than
that, he had a promising future. However, if you stop and think about it, he
didn't need to kill himself over some stupid mistake, like his wife/girlfriend
being dead. The message is simple for you: Examine the details and check that
everything is as it appears. Don't be too hasty because it could result in an
unlucky demise - your character could find a tragic ending. I mean that in an
allegorical way. Please! At the worst, you might come home really thirsty and
find you're out of" beer! Aieee! The humanity!

Libra
Some holidays are around the corner. Don't let a momentary and fleeting run-in
with depression worry you. In fact, if you step back and look at the larger
issue, there's a better chance for other events to work in your favor if you
give them time. "Sorry the deal fell through, but it will pave the way for a
better deal next week." Sound too hopeful? Okay, try this one, "Everything
is really bad right now, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's a
guy with a flashlight saying, 'run the other way....'" (At least it isn't a
train.)

Scorpio
We're going into the late degrees of Scorpio right now, so there are Scorpio
Birthdays to remember. That reminds me of a time with Bubba and the Law and a
truckload of Cuban cigars, but that's another story. You shouldn't be having
any run-ins with the law this week with stars being where they are. In fact,
you should be having quite a nice birthday week. Even if it isn't really your
birthday week, you can always cut loose sayb, "Kramer and Bubba told me it was
OK, officer."

Subject: (2)Kramer 11/10=16

Sagittarius
Don't you feel like the Romeo guy/girl/extraterristial/Texan this week? No
matter what, love is always tragic (just ask Marv Albert). I guess that's a
rhetorical statement for a Sagittarius, but I like it. Time to move on with
your relationships, and it looks like a good week for ramblin'. Just don't do
anything too drastic - great literature is fine, but Romeo does get carried
away in those final scenes of R&J. You don't need to be THAT desperate.

Capricorn
You have major influences kicking up dirt in your stockyard of life. A
planetary love duo creates a triangle for you this week. If that weren't
confusing enough, you have to decide whether it's more important to marry for
love or money. I've seen many a young Cappy go for the money, tossing off love
like yesterday's wet swimsuit. For a Cappy, that's probably the best bet.
Problem is you have a nagging voice in the back of your head getting louder by
the month, saying, "I told you so." Don'5t you hate that?

Aquarius
Have we had our lottery and games of chance talk recently? If not, here we go:
Jupiter is the lucky star, and he's invited you into his limo with the
complimentary champagne, phone, VCR with his and hers drivers, bringing all
kinds of untold fortune and fame to you. The problem is that Jupiter is
associated with Sagittarius, and Sagittarius tends to be a little unstable at
times. Like most of the time. So this good luck won't last forever. Get in the
lucky limo. Drive, she said!

Pisces
You know, Romeo wouldn't have been in the plight he was in if he'd just stuck
to that first babe he was in love with. Rosaline. Rosie. Whole lotta Rosie.
OK, Romeo/Juliet, you find yourself tempted between a series of lovers... What
to do? Rather than accept Romeo's untimely and melodramatic fate, consider
sticking to one suitor at one time. It may be boring, but these days, you'll
be safer from swallowing an unwelcome dose of hemlock.

Week of: November 3-9

First Kiss cost me a dollar, second cost me two
At this rate I'll be in the po'House after a week of lovin you.
Misery won't buy company, of that I'm livin' proof
Have to sell my soul to the devil just to spend some time with you.

(c) 1997, Half Street, off their CD

check them out at: http://ccwf.cc.utexas.edu/~messina/half.html

Aries : I warned you about shooting first and asking questions next week. It's next week, and you should be asking a few, very penetrating, questions right now. As my old pappy used to say, "put on your thinking cap...." Yes, this is good week to put on the thinking cap. Did you think about the travel options? Are you gong to make a long journey someplace? You should.

Taurus : Maybe the early part of the week isn't so hot for you, and maybe you're just not a morning person, or maybe it's you're not a fall person. Whatever the case may be, you feel like burrowing under the covers for a while, and not coming out until Wednesday. Then things get better. There's a New Moon which turns on your creative juice maker, and that means you got an idea or two that gets hatched. Just don't be counting eggs and expecting each and every one to become a baby chick.

Gemini : How's the old workout routine going this week? I guess you feel like you're supposed to be spending more time at the gym, maybe some extra time on the treadmill would help. You know, there are holidays coming up and you want to be in good shape before they get here. I'd stick to the special FGS workout schedule, and that includes getting out of bed as an exercise.

Cancer : This is a another good week for you Crustaceans. Plan on getting out of your shell a little because this is a good week to be out and about. Now, about fishing plans for the coming weekend, you might want to renegotiate with your significant other or house mate, or whatever it is that you call that old relationship things about the coming weekend because you will want to be ready for some last minute changes in your plans.

Leo : Your week starts out with a big bang, sort of like the one that some scientists say created our universe. Then you get down to the cliche "brass tacks" of what holds everything together in your life. It's by no means a bad time, and given that you have strong Leo sentiments, this is a good week for what you do best: party. However, don't be perturbed if others are not so willing to help assist you in this festive time.

Virgo : Put them old Romance thoughts aside for the week. Just put them in neat container, and shove them on a shelf. I hope it isn't a dusty shelf, because then you would tempted to clean it. Nope, put everything else aside, and concentrate on some work stuff for a while. This is a good time to launch a new project, sort of like christening a new boat, a bass boat, I would hope.

Libra : A lot of signs are having a hard time getting started this week.. The good news is that you don't suffer from this ailment. You have plenty of get up and go for the Monday morning rush. If you don't, try another cup of FGS brand truckstop triple French-Italian roast coffee, then you'll have the energy to get the week rolling right. The only problems approach as you run out of steam along about Thursday. Friday is a welcome relief, too, and you need to cool your heels next weekend.

Scorpio : There was a series of bad jokes which made the email and fax rounds, something along the lines of "you know it's going to be bad day when...." and these jokes are infinitely amusing. It's even more amusing to wake up to the sound of a live news crew knocking on your door. That's one of the punch lines from those jokes, and that's also what this week is going to be like. Now remember, this is typical Scorpio sarcastic humor, so take it with a pound or two of sodium chloride.

Sagittarius : If it's not one thing, then it's another. You need to be in a about three different places this week, and all of these areas of your life are demanding your attention. Are you doing something about this? It starts with romance at home, then there's work, and finally, you have some poker buddies who are literally demanding you show up for a game. One of them might have stacked the deck, too, because they all got mad at your good luck. Take your own deck with you this week, just to keep everyone honest.

Capricorn : Venus and Mars make a grand entrance into your sign at the end of the week. This is a love combination, and it means that romance fills the air. So much for the good news. The hot, burning lava lamp of love is like one of the plates which they set down in front of you in a Mexican Restaurant: Warning, the plate itself is hot. If it's really good South Western cuisine, the food is hot, too, but I was worried about you burning yourself on the plate. Give everything a chance to cool off before diving in.

Aquarius : Time for a little classic cinema: 2001, the original. You will find that you are forced to perform some kind of surgery on a computer brain this week, and maybe disconnect it from its memory banks. All the while, it will be singing some song. If this is a convulted example, then think about this: you are off on an adventure, and, at some point, you have to take command of the situation. That command position is coming this week, now do what you have to do.

Pisces : It's nothing but a good week and it is continually getting better. At least, better for the most part. I wouldn't go all out on this "better" theme, but by the time the weekend gets here, you should be feeling much better. Better better better. I wonder how many times I have to repeat this before it does get better?

Week of: Oct. 27-Nov. 2

"Marry, sir, half a day's journey; and I'll tell you, he hath
a fair daughter, and tomorrow is her birthday; and there are princes and
knights come from all parts of the world to joust and tourney for her
love."
-- First Fisherman in Shakespeare's "Pericles," Act II, scene i.

Watch as we all do something special for Ma Wetzel's Birthday. Fax her
at 214/521-0259.

Aries
With the Sun in Scorpio it seems that everyone is sneaky and subversive.
Use your critical judgment. I would never suggest that an Aries tends to
"shoot first and ask questions next week" but this week, use your
critical thinking on problems at hand. Old standards work well. Consider
your options before jumping on the first schmuck that comes along.

Taurus
You bring a certain intensity to everything you touch this week. One of
my favorite t-shirts says: "Women want me; Bass fear me." Of late,
though, this has been modified to, "Women laugh at me, and so do the
bass." How is that going to help you? Look at the first version, and
figure your life is like that this week. You are desired, sought after,
and your enemies are scared. Now kick some butt, Chuck Norris!

Gemini
That dang ol' James Bond -- he was a master secret-keeper. Not even the
evil Pussy Galore could pry Britain's top secrets from his lips. The
problem Geminis are dealing with this week is the same thing: Secrets
for and kept from you. And these are apparent secrets, not even the real
thing. Just like a double-agent thing. I wouldn't worry much, but there
is trouble on your personal horizon. If I were a good Gemini, I would
get into that special Aston-Martin -- the one with an ejection seat and
machine guns -- and go for a long drive. Let the secrets settle
themselves out.

Cancer
Choices, choices, choices. You have a lot of them this week, and from
what I know about Cancer Lunar types, you will make a good decision. Use
your bountiful creative energy -- it's the key to making to the right
choice. Play artist this week. That means, get out the black turtleneck
sweater and head down to the coffee shop for a Clove cigarette and a
triple-double-tall non-fat.

Leo
As luck would have it, it's a lucky week for you. Perhaps you don't
"feel" lucky, but the lucky breaks will find you. After what you've been
through, this is welcome news. Now for the downside of this lucky
streak: it doesn't look like it's a big guy with a fat check. We're
talking about different kind of luck here.

Virgo
One word for this week: romance. That dirty old sock of love hasn't left
you alone. You might need to clean those rose colored-glasses you love
to wear early in the week, then put in your contacts later on. Or as
that tee-vee Texan, Dale Gribbel would say after raising his mirror
shades, "Open your EYES man! Don't you understand what this is about?
It's code for alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters." Or something like that.

Libra
It's a Monday morning to hate. That's the worst part. After that, the
rest of the week gets better like a slow climb up a tall hill -- an ant
hill. Cautions this week include public transportation. Crowded places
are too crowded. Working alone, especially early in the week, bring you
just rewards. Like your own seat on the train.

Scorpio
Happy Birthday to you dark and secretive types. And speaking of
secretive, that big party we planned might not really happen. Are you
ready for that? I don't want to introduce any paranoia into your head
nor tell you to check out alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters, but this is
a week when it's a good thing to look over your shoulder.

Sagittarius
You begin the week with the love planets doing the Masochism Tango in
your sign. That's the good news, or the bad news, depending on your
relationships. With the Sun in Scorpio, intensity of feeling magnifies
feelings of love. Do something with this energy, like boogie all night.
The one thing I advise against, in a tender moment, is to turn to your
fishing partner and tell him how much you love him. He won't understand.

Capricorn
Turn up the heat on an affair at work. This message can be taken two
ways, and I mean it two ways. It can be a business deal, like a new car,
or it can be love amongst the cubicles. Either way, this is what you
might be looking for. As usual, the standard disclaimers apply: your
mileage may vary, void where prohibited by law, etc.

Aquarius
Last week, you were trying to be in two places at once. This week, you
are more centered, and you can be in the single place that you need to
be. Listen to that voice in your head because you have good ideas -- as
long as you forge ahead, you can hammer out the details to make it work.

Pisces
Get yourself off to a good start this week. You have a chance to get a
new deal going. I hate to sound like a tired Democrat, but getting
something started now will bring beneficial results, even fund-raising
coffees might do YOU some good. In case you are a tad impatient this
week, these results can be realized pretty quickly, too. There's nothing
under the sun which can't be cured by the liberal application of money.

Week of: Oct. 20-26

Change from daylight to regular time. Spring forward, fall back, or just set the clocks right unless you live in Arizona, where they don't observe it this year. Shoot, the sun comes up at 4 a.m. and sets after 10 p.m., so why bother?

You can always let Pa Wetzel know that you think this this tail end of Libra is a happy birthday time for him. Fax those notes to (214)521-0259.

And speaking of time, ever thought about a Half Street CD? The drummer is a Virgo, you know...

Aries
Burrow into your home this week. I know, I've been talking about work as it relates to career options, but this week? Forget that stuff at the office and clean the double-wide. With two big romance indicators playing fast and loose (that would be Mars and Venus), you can expect fun to barge into your bedroom any time now. Make sure the homestead and truck camper are ready.

Taurus
This just in from the FGS Newsroom: Romance is heading your way. Please, for the benefit of the rest of us, don't do the typical Taurus thing and avoid it. You've been the subject of that story too many times. Try something different: Grab it with both hands and hang on for a good ride. Y'all just don't get many nice days like this. It's like finding that sweet spot on the lake where the fish jump onto your stringer.

Gemini
A boatload of romance stuff happening in Sagittarius is bound to rub off on you. It must, right? Any way you slice up the week, like filleting a nice catch of the day, you are bound to hit the meat of romance. You've got to get out more, and that seems to be the problem. It's a good week to prowl.

Cancer
While other signs are concerned about romance, let me call your undivided Cancer attention to the little world o' work. Romance isn't for everyone this week. Despite the nice influence of the planets, you risk a greater-than-average chance of catching an unlikable disease this week. Therefore, isolate yourself at work. Just you and the computer, the Squareheaded Significant Other. Trust me on this, you'll benefit from the isolation. Maybe you can start a romance with your computer if you haven't already.

Leo
Once upon a time, before there was water, I used to live in Arizona. I remember the Orange Blossoms in their groves out in the desert and every spring when that heady and sensual aroma of the orange trees in full bloom infected my sinuses. I was useless. Same thing for you this week, only different. A stick of exotic and metaphoric incense is infecting your olfactory ability, and all you can think about is the lighter side of love. Coming or going, one way or another, it'll gitcha-gitcha-gitcha.

Virgo
Personally, and with good Virgo sentiments, you probably think love and romance are overrated. You shouldn't be lonely or blue, despite what the planets say. Pour your devotion toward business and quit wasting time on love, which is nothing but a cruel hoax concocted by a vengeful god. Look at all the tortured souls out there who know that love is a battlefield. Ask yourself, "Self, do I really want to step on one of those love landmines?"

Libra
Imagine a sunset, a romantic one. As it slowly sinks into the West, you feel the flames of passion. OK, so much for the lyrical stuff. Reality check: It's time to put romance aside while the Sun gradually eases out of Libra and sneaks into Scorpio. Get your head on straight and tend to matters at the office, and I don't mean affairs at the office, either.

Scorpio
Say hello to Scorpio! Mid-week is Scorpio Time, and you can come out from underneath that rock you've been hiding under for the last few weeks. Really! Spend Monday and Tuesday sharpening up that Scorpio wit, and strut your stuff as your time arrives. Of course, we all hope it's a surprise party, but anything will do, right? And where is that surprise party going to be? Alaska? New York?

Sagittarius
Plan on romance being the focus of your attention. If you're a single Sag, maybe you should romance some fish. That's not a bad idea, all things considered. Pisces is a lovely sign. However, the week begins with a fortuitous alignment between the two love planets, Venus and Mars, and that means you'll be feeling like making some romance yourself. Me? I'd rather fish. Those bass out there fear me. Or love me.

Capricorn
Because of an alignment in the heavens, this romance theme that's gripping everyone and everything might overwhelm you a little. Or a lot. Depends. But it's a good time to sort out relationship problems while alone. To do this, I recommend an extended period of time either in a boat, with a hook dragging in the water, or in a duck blind, or maybe in a deer blind. But you get the idea. Time for some outdoor sports while you think about this romance thing.

Aquarius
It's one of those times when you need to listen to the little voice in your head. Your subconscious is trying to get a message through. The downside is that if there are too many little voices in your head, you need stronger medication. Sort out those signals, fine-tune the ham radio in your brain, and zero in on the one message that's most important. Sure enough, it's an answer to a love question this week.

Pisces
I don't know you anymore! All you fishes are avoiding the central theme for this week, exacerbated by the alignment between Venus and Mars. It is supposed to be good for you. It's supposed to be a wonderful week. Love is a many splendored thing. Go and find some lyrical love poetry to soothe yourself. I recommend works from the 17th century, in English, for Pisces this week. Something with rhyme and meter to help you feel better.

From: ben@dallasnews.com (Ben McConnell)
Reply-to: ben@dallasnews.com
To: kramerw@aol.com (Kramer Wetzel), APSPisces@aol.com
I don't have that distribution list handy. Can y'all forward to the
proper folks? Thanks. B.

Week of: Oct. 13-19

"O mischief thou art swift
To enter the thoughts of desperate men!"
-- Romeo in Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" (V.i.35-6)

Aries
The way this week starts, anything could be better. Even being a wealthy
Chinese donor in Al Gore's back pocket could be better. And yes, there
will be some things which are
better, like a real sense of relief in few days. In the meantime, buckle
under and don't let the pressure
get to you. Some folks call it stress, I just call it amusing. Ask my
editor -- he gets more worked up
than I do about missed deadlines. Speaking of which, don't miss any
deadlines this week or I'll sic Bubba
after you.

Taurus
I wouldn't be using a Romeo-style introduction if it didn't mean that
romantic elements in your life are
heating up. Now, I've lectured you about the difference between love and
romance, haven't I? You need to
be careful, especially with that one relationship that's warming up
nicely. Try not to drop it in the BBQ
pit this week. It needs more basting.

Gemini
I've always liked Geminis, but you tend to fluctuate too much for my
taste. Just ask Bubba: He's been on the
Gemini RollerCoaster and nearly lost his cookies because it was so
topsy-turvy. And watch those fluctuations
this week. You're like a pinball game, and the cosmic flippers are
poised to knock you around, bumping up
against the glass and in danger of falling into the proverbial drain. To
continue with the metaphor, you
are also set for a record high score this week, too. Now, imagine this
record score as a slot machine
instead of a pinball game, and you can see how you might reap decent
profits.

Cancer
One problem with being a Cancer is that you are like a so few animals in
the animal kingdom: You like to
mate for life. Your problem this week is that you are against the odds
with the "mate-for-life" ideal.
Lighten up and take a hint from other critters in the animal kingdom: If
you feel like you need to find
that one, true love, read Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" -- they were
young, they were impetuous and (I
hope this doesn't spoil the surprise for you) they died at the end.

Leo
Finish up your Halloween Costume. While everyone else is worried about
love and romance, you need to look
after your single, most important love relationship: you + you. Sure,
it's a tad vain, but
don't worry about it. As long as you look after number 1 (that would be
you, gorgeous), then the rest is
just a piece of delicious cake. Go ahead and work on that costume so
it'll be a grand-prize winner this year.

Virgo
Forget the romance stuff that everyone else is paying attention to. Have
you done all the preparations for
a good weekend of fishing or hunting? If I were in your boots -- an
amazing feat indeed -- I would be getting ready for the good stuff.
Careful planning goes a long way to insure success. As you know from
years of careful study and observation, planning is everything. Timing
might need an adjustment. See your mechanic-astrologer.

Libra
This is the very end of the Libra time slot in the Big Tee-Vee Show in
the Sky, and it's the last time to
enjoy the party atmosphere associated with birthdays. In your case, I
wasn't joking about your love life
being a good thing. Stick close to home whenever possible, and be
attached to your mate at all times. Use your good
Libra sensibility for heating up romantic possibilities using propane
and propane accessories. Classical
music might help set the mood, but so would some old Willie Nelson. Or
try some Half Street.

Scorpio
I don't really pick on Scorpios, I just give them a little dose of their
own sarcastic humor. But with
Mercury in Scorpio right now, you find that your humor is particularly
sharp, and the
rest of us need to watch out. Don't plan on this romance thing actually
taking off anytime too
soon, and by that, I mean this week. To thoroughly mix metaphors in the
Big Blender of Writing, you have more fishing to do before your ship
arrives.
.

Sagittarius
Remember how Romeo was fatally attracted to Juliet, leading to an
unhappy denouement to his life?
Dead bodies everywhere. Of course, it's no Hamlet. And it's no Julius
Caesar, either (or "Cannonball Run" for that matter). Why talk about
blood when
romance and love is in the air? Just trying to warn you fellow Sagi
about the possibilities and pitfalls
of the love addiction. Don't turn your life into one of these
Elizabethan tragedies.

Capricorn
I'm glad you enjoy challenges because that's what this week is about:
one challenge after another. The
real problem, though, is with the old love life routine. Are you up for
this challenge? In order to confuse you as best I can, let me explain
that the relationship problem this
week doesn't have to a be a romantic type, it could be a fishing buddy
who' just difficult to get
along with. No use arguing with him over the kind of bait to buy,
either.

Aquarius
You need to be in two places at once this week. If you happen to have
any cloning technology at your disposal, now is the time to make use of
it. The best plan is to get no sleep whatsoever.
That way, you can actually do everything that you want to do. Two areas
of your life are hot: Finance and
Romance. And rather than say, "pick one," I suggest that you go with
both. Just no sleep.

Pisces
Love is where you find it these days. In fact, with all the planets
pushing and pulling on you, get out
and stay out as much as possible. Go ahead and sub-lease you apartment.
Plan for a big week, starting on Monday, and watch as this big week
brings you lots of goodies. It's sort of like a birthday, or an early
holiday. Now do something, and don't
let Romeo's ideals get in your way.

Sent on: AOL 3.0 for Mac sub 85
Week of: Oct. 6-12

"I like not fair terms, and a villian's mind."
-- From Shakespeare's "Merchant of Venice" [I.ii.175]

Aries
I've been whining about work for awhile. You're probably sick of hearing about it. Love? Forget love. You have something better: romance. Like a truck radiator fixin' to blow, you're steamin' up the engine block with a red-lining romance on the horizon. Please keep your seatbelt fastened at all times.

Taurus
"Gentle Taurus" is not an expression you've been hearing lately. And while that's perhaps a bit rough, I have good news: Your ruling planet is Venus and she's heading into Sagittarius this week. That ushers a financial deal into one of your reserved seats. OK, so you can't take an astrology chart to your banker, but you might let Bubba down at the pawn shop know that you're in a good position this week.

Gemini
This week you'll hear the Emergency Broadcast System warning signal every day. It starts Monday morning and goes downhill from there. That warning tone always makes the pulse quicken, even after hearing "If this had been a real emergency..." Your pulse is quickening due to a stellar line up that soaks you with energy. Imagine that, a Gemini with extra calories to burn. Try late-season tournament fishing this weekend because your competitive edge is high. Just don't try hunting. A Gemini with a dove gun might be accident-prone this week. Then you'll really need the Emergency Broadcast System.

Cancer
This season is called "Fall" and that's what you need to look out for. Be extra careful about where you place your feet. Actually, watch closely, or you can wind up with two cowboy boots in your mouth. Yes, it's that time for the old "pointed toe in mouth" disease, and you need to be very careful. You remind me of Elmer Fudd, hunting wabbits.

Leo
In the good ol' days, motorcycles didn't have electric starters. No start button to push, just a hard kick-start. This week you could kick-start anything. Another way to start a motorcycle is a "push start" whereby you build up a little steam, hop on the scooter and pop that clutch into gear. If you've had the key turned on, off you go. So, whether you're kicking it or pushing it, the physical effort is well-received this week.

Virgo
I don't understand the notion that Virgos are always so perfection-oriented. Yes, you can be a neat freak to the point of distraction, and you can be difficult to get along with (to the point of distraction), but it's not like you're always like that. Like this week... you feel overwhelmed by mind-numbing chores and are prone to let the take-out boxes of BBQ and the empty beer bottles pile up next to the Barca-Lounger, which, of course, has potato chip entrails on it. Don't panic. Remain calm. Pick up your routine where you left off and no one gets hurt.

Libra
I hope you're enjoying a good birthday month. An unusual event is about to happen this week, so please make sure your seatbacks and tray tables are in an upright and locked position. The event? The Sun lines up with Mercury. "But Cap'n Kramer, what does that mean?" It means you are mentally sharp, with a great deal of extra horsepower from the neck up. Which might need a check up. Be sure your brain is in gear before letting out the clutch (your mouth).

Scorpio
This is one of those weeks when many beneficial (planet-wise) things are in the works for Scorpios. The problem is -- always -- that you refuse to admit that things are good. So, take a moment away from work, put your feet up, and ponder this question: "Is it really as good as Kramer says?" Of course it is, you just stubbornly refuse to accept it.

Sagittarius
This week for Sagittarius reminds me of an episode of "Johnny Quest." Remember the episode where Johnny and Haji were exploring that cave in their boat and then some monsters attacked? And they had really loud, screechy voices? Those noises would fit in very well this week. Plan on inserting your favorite monster noises as the week wears on because you have a big pile-up in your section of the sky that'll give you a lot of energy. Just be careful when handling sharp objects, like the filet knife you use to defend yourself with, and maybe the odd Scorpio or two.

Capricorn
Occasionally, a good Capricorn (you know you're good) needs a swift kick to get motivated. Imagine me, wearing some endangered species cowboy boots, and a really sharp-looking cowboy hat, planting my astrological boot up along your backside. You need it. Really. This figurative kick is going to hurt me a lot worse than it'll hurt you. Now DO something!

Aquarius
Yo! Go! That's a simple way to address this week. It's like being the first boater out on the lake as the cool autumn dawn breaks, and you're gunning the boat to the spot where the trophy fish jump into your boat. Yes, this is your life, Bubba: A future profilee of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Bass Fisherpersons." It sure beats being profiled on "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol." All I ask is a meager 1 percent or an audition on "Star Search."

Pisces
Why don't we talk about romance for a while? Why don't we speak of true love, and the dream that it will really happen to you? Why don't we dig up some old Shakespearean love sonnets and read them aloud to your intended? Of course, you're a good Pisces, so why ask why?

Week of: Sept. 29-Oct. 5

Aries
This week begins slowly, but I tell you what, things get hotter than Jesse Helms' temper by mid-week. What kind of bait are you using? Consider changing your fishing supplies -- the old minnow bucket has stuff left over from summer, and the smell is getting bad. Actually, it won't bother you, but some of the fish you catch later this week might be offended.

Taurus
I would never suggest that you're stubborn. That's a common astrological misinterpretation. Or bull-headed. That's just not you. However, you do have a determined quality in your personality that's driving other people to drink. You could even make a tee-totaling "Baptist we don't dance" person start ordering shooters. Try your own medicine before you dish it out this week.

Gemini
Remember Howard Beal, the madman tee-vee broadcaster who exclaimed in the movie "Network" that "I'm mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore!"? I don't know what he was so irritated about, but I do know that you have pebble in your astrological boot, but it feels like a boulder, and it's rubbed a blister the size of a June bug on your little toe. The solution: Swap those astrological cowboy boots for a pair of decent sandals. That way, you can shake out any problems.

Cancer
If I were a Cancer -- and I'm sorry I'm not since it's often voted the best astrological sign by three out of four doctors -- I'd look at my exercise regimen. Too much time hacking away on a computer and not enough time whacking softballs, tennis balls, or croquet balls isn't good for the soul, not to mention the Bubba Physique. Get out of the house and exercise. What kind? Hey, that's up to you. But the more violent the sport this week, the more chance of injury. In-line hockey? I don't think so. Bubba, you need your teeth.

Leo
The mighty lions are creative geniuses this week. The golden touch is back. Use it with caution, though, because it's easy to let some other [lesser] sign really rile you up, like messing up your finely manicured mane of hair that you spent hours fixing. You don't need to let them do that to you, do you?

Virgo
You start the week with nothing but romance on your mind but by the weekend, these fleeting thoughts are long gone. Turn your attention to important things, like catching a record number of fish. A trophy and prize money are just the boost you need. After the week you're going to have, you'll need a boost on the weekend.

Libra
Not many folks pay attention to Mercury because its influence is so mercurial. But with Mercury in your sign, you're feeling rather flighty. The good news is that this brings an intense amount of good mental activity. The bad news is that the word "mental" has come to mean "a bit crazy," like Sen. Jesse Helms. Touched in the head. Obsessive. So watch the obsessive stuff this week. That ought to give you something to think about.

Scorpio
The problem with the Libra time of year is that all the dang ol' Librans hog the spotlight. You have a birthday coming up, and right now, it looks like no one is throwing you a surprise party. I said, "it looks that way right now." Don't plan on a fish fry until you count all your fish. I know you have magical mystical powers, but don't plan on performing that miracle where a few fish feed a whole houseful, either. Wait 'til next month.

Sagittarius
I warned you about sharp objects last week. This week, it's a different kind of sharp object: your mouth. Maybe it's your wit, but whatever it is, be extra careful. Nothing like getting irritated with someone, and telling them just what they can do, where they can do it, and how they can do it, only to find out that you have to go back and apologize because you had the wrong phone number. Don't you hate that?

Capricorn
I'll bet you're getting tired of the fog metaphor. Problem being, it's that time of year in Austin when fog really does rise up off the lakes. It lends an atmosphere of mystery to everything in the early morning hours, like, "What's with all the taillights up ahead?" Look out for traffic jams in your early-morning rush. Allow yourself extra time all the way around. It's not you; it's Them.

Aquarius
Please forgive me, but you need to tend to business. A new Moon sets you on edge, like the edge of a cliff. Don't take the plunge yet. What happens is that you are making way for an excellent week -- next week. A chance to win the lottery. Or the new boat I've been waiting for. Either way, your time to dance the tango happens soon, so don't take too many risks this week.

Pisces
Last week was a time to stay home, and this week is a time to get out and play. Or last week was a time to get out and play, and this week is a time to stay home. Either way, do the opposite of last week. You'll feel better and the change is good. Right?

Week of: September 22-28

It's Libra time, the fall equinox, the time when the days and the nights are equal in length. Means getting up to go fishing is a little bit easier because that darned old Sun doesn't poke its head up quite so early.

Aries : You get one of those rousing good starts to the week. You know the kind? You walk in and the boss is already angry, you look at your watch and it's only 7 in the morning. Just when you thought you could get ahead. Okay, work with me on this one: you have a new mantra (Bubba, it's one of them things you say over and over), and this new one goes like this: the weekend will be fun, the weekend will be fun, I just got to hold on....

Taurus : Like your neighbor's weed eater at 7 AM on Saturday, or worse, the blower thing on a Sunday morning, you've got one of them wake up calls coming this week. Harsh discussions at the top of you lungs is not a good solution here. Of course, nothing like a good fight to make you feel better, huh? Still, I would recommend against it. Use that peaceful influence and shoot for talking your way out of trouble. You'll feel better.

Gemini : Notice that everybody is opening a Micro Brewery these days? I full well expect to hit one in the local convenience store, you know, Micro Brewery and oil change. Not there's much difference these days, not with some of the places I've seen. Anyway, there is also an alarming trend in Texas called vineyards. All this concern with beverages leads us to the solution to the problem for the week: escape. Don't try relaxing right now.

Cancer : There is an Arabic side to horoscopes, the ancient masters of the desert came up with this parts of astrology. And yours looks really good this week. Now, ion order to make this work for you, what you want to do is get together with your local soothsayer and get that person to pick some lucky number for you. Maybe read a few tea leaves. something. Anything. Channel up Elvis. Games of chance, like lottery tickets are a good bet.

Leo : You guys are supposed to be in what is often called "fat city" right now. It just doesn't get any better than this. And if it's not really that good, look around and ask yourself, "Self, was I supposed to go for something different than Avocado Shag carpet?" Your taste is not at particular high point right now, but this week brings money opportunities out the wazoo. Do something with all that cash. Maybe send me some, too.

Virgo : What a wonderful week for a Virgo! You might feel a little Gemini-like, up one minute, down, 30 seconds later, and then up again. Since you are a Dirt Sign, these little mood swings can last all day. Take a lesson from a Gemini, though, and don't take all of this too serious. By the time the weekend rolls around, you're doing "just fine."

Libra : It's the beginning of the birthday month for Libra. All of ya'll early degree Libra types have a lot of "movin' and shakin'" going on right now. Don't get too caught up in one idea right now. Don't let Bubba tell you where to fish. Use your own guide to figure out what works for you this week. The big fish pond in the sky has a few good surprises headed your way, if you just give it a chance.

Scorpio : Ever surf? Because, if you did, then this is one of those times when the waves are the best, and you used just the perfect wax on your board, and it couldn't be any better than it is right now. All the little things seem to be coming together quite nicely for you. If the little things AREN'T coming together, then take a look at letting someone else bait your hook. Go ahead, let someone help you out this week.

Sagittarius : Bet you start feeling a whole lot better by the middle of the week, and then, rolling right on into your sign like a big 18-wheeler, you get Mr. Mars. He's here by the weekend, and he brings life, vitality, energy, and, and, other stuff, too. Just be careful because ,mars means things like fish hooks get caught in thumbs, and when your filleting a decent catch, you can slice your own hand open, just like a surgeon. Careful with sharp objects this weekend.

Capricorn : The last time I made a reference to the "fog lifting" a number of confused Capricorn's wrote me notes. Well, there is a fine mist out on the lake today, and there is a lone fisher-person motoring along in a small, flat-bottomed boat. He can see through the mist which is a rising up off the lake. Now, like any good Capricorn, you can see through the mist, too. The problem is that your alone out there, in the boat. Head for the best place to fish, despite the fog.

Aquarius : This is another one of them weeks with lots of "growth" opportunities. Much as I hate to sound like a New Age Tree Hugging Micro Bionic type, these opportunities just might present themselves in the form of a challenge or two. Be kind to your old fishin' buddy, and don't take it on him. Use these "challenges" as a way for you to get ahead. Like, consider as new bass boat right now.

Pisces : Dichotomy. It's a big word. And it talks about what you're dealing with this week. One part of you wants to stay home, and the other part of you wants to get completely shrug any sort of obligations (like housework) and go fishing. Reminds me of a sign I saw at a favorite bait and sushi place, "don't be wishin', go fishin'!" I guess that motto sort of sums up what you ought to do with that dichotomy.

Week of: Sept. 15-21

Aries
I've been singing that ol' favorite country song about working on the railroad, and you feel like you're part of the chain gang. Your slavish devotion to work can lighten up this week. Really. Don't get all stressed over something you have no control over. Besides, all work and no play makes you a dull Bubba. Plan on spontaneous playtime as soon as possible.

Taurus
A traditional astrologer would tell you to watch yourself this week because you face certain oppositions in life. A fishing guide astrologer such as yours truly might suggest that you get in bed and pull the covers over your head. Really. Bring provisions. It's the best idea. In fact, if your week is anything like my week, I might join you. With the covers over our heads. We'll play "covered wagon." Woo-woo!

Gemini
Instant karma's gonna get you. Your struggles against all sorts of SEEMINGLY insurmountable odds come back to haunt you like pictures taken during a drunken weekend. Folks just don't see things your way. Yes, I know your mission in life is to change the world, to have everyone understand that Your Way is the right way. Being a Good Gemini, though, you will drop one project and skip to the next one because it's easier. Be careful that you don't drop the project on your own foot.

Cancer
I know you're thinking about putting the car up on blocks this week in the front yard and overhauling the motor. Bubba, this just isn't the right week for that. I can see you wrenching your back while trying to lift the motor out of the truck without a cherry picker. So, go easy on the physical activity. You don't need to prove anything by lifting a V-8 with your bare hands. Use the right tools, and wear a safety harness With some of the doings in the heavens, heed the Pink. Be careful with any cutting instrument, especially your mouth. Incisive comments to friends and family could be worse than clear-cutting Amazonian rainforests. Friends and family don't need to be sliced and diced AND juliened. Leave that to Ronco.

Virgo
It's the tail end of Virgo this week, and a shift next week will signify the Sun moving from your Birthday House to your Money House. In regular terms, that means you're fixin' to make a pile of cash. Good news ahead for the Cruise Ship Virgo. Just watch that mouth for the next week or so -- every Virgo I know seems to be wound up tighter than a ticking timebomb.

Libra
You won't go quite as crazy on this full moon as you have in the past. In fact, a number of elements in the heavens are taming the shrew in you. Ephemeral astrological dust in your sign has drifted on to other signs, making your life easier. You should continue to follow your carefully dictated and prescribed period of rest and relaxation. If you can, take the week off and send me postcards from the road. I know you will.

Scorpio
A bumper sticker on my truck fits you this week: "Women want me; Bass fear me." I've also had several girlfriends who have suggested that my bumper sticker has things mixed up. Why is my bumper sticker important? Because we have Venus and Mars in Scorpio right now, and your ability to coax fish (real and metaphorical) into your boat (figurative and literal) is biblical at a time like this.

Sagittarius
Looks like some of your long-established daily routines are about to be disrupted. It starts sliding downhill on Monday and then you're swimming in it -- not soaking in it. Ever been in a boat with a slow leak but one you can't bail fast enough? It's as if you're slowing slipping beneath the waters of the lake while furiously scooping water from the sinking bass boat. Fear not, Baywatch babe. Your heroic efforts will pay off by week's end.

Capricorn
On the tail end of disruption comes peace and calm. It's like a morning on the lake when a fine fog precipitates the water's calm edge, the air frozen in time, and it's just you and the fish. You are that lake, calm, still, deep. The fish? They're about to break the surface of that mirror. Your assignment this week is to fish like you've never fished before. Do whatever you do to keep the calm.

Aquarius
I've been signing the same Aquarius country tune about big trucks with big tires, and big hats with big hair. If you've ever traveled in the far reaches of West Texas, then you understand that Big Hair is still fashionable. In fact, it's downright attractive in certain places. Don't be afraid to try some new styles this week.

Pisces
Ongoing research at FGS World Headquarters has determined that Pisces is unduly influenced by the Moon when in your sign. With the Moon in Pisces on Monday, the tone is set for the week. Get ready for a nauseating ride on the death-defying roller coaster in this carnival we refer to as your life. Don't you wish you'd stayed home this week?

Week of: Sept. 8-14

Aries
Week of: Sept. 8-14
I know you're walking a very fine line, one that borders between too much work and not enough of a life, but pay heed (actually, I like it better when you pay money, but that's another story): This is good week to continue to push forward with work. Better news is that last week's relationship woes should have a happy resolution this week. Isn't that nice to hear?

Taurus
Week of: Sept. 8-14
Now that the dreaded Mercury is no longer making life uncomfortable for Earth Signs like Taurus, another planet (actually, an asteroid) is stirring up the cauldron of your life with mighty powerful energy. I see this two ways: flip or fly. I've tried both, and I prefer flying. That means you can catch a plane to the vacation spot of your choosing this week. At least you should have that opportunity.

Gemini
Week of: Sept. 8-14
It's a tough week ahead because someone out there, right now, is deciding your fate and the fate of something you've been working on. Whoever that person is, he or she isn't working on your wavelength. You feel the opposition. If you keep chugging along -- a difficult matter this week -- you'll find rewards for your effort. Mercury is going to lend you a helping hand this week, so use it.

Cancer
Week of: Sept. 8-14
Romantic relationship woes from that pesky and pernicious Mercury retrograde start to melt way as the week wears on. Of this I am sure. In fact, your relationship scene will probably hit a new high starting this week. I hope this is good news. If you're on a Frequent Dating Program, it may not be good news for your bank balance.

Leo
Week of: Sept. 8-14
About this little love thing you've got going: It's a feeling inside, but you've got to sing about it. You have been warned. Mercury was just doing the "Tango with my Braino" so you're not in the best moment to work out a relationship issue this week. And marriage? Absolutely out of the question. Bob, may we have the next contestant, please!

Virgo
Week of: Sept. 8-14
It's a perfect week for a Virgo birthday. The astrological portents this week are excellent. One small and undermining problem, though: After you've been dragged through the proverbial mud, it leaves a heck of a mess to clean up. That's good news because Virgos need a challenge on their birthday week. Be careful, too, with your talking skills. Oral communication isn't quite up for launch status, if you know what I mean.

Libra
Week of: Sept. 8-14
As the moon fills up the night sky, you feel more amorous this week. This feeling of love permeating the air makes you feel like you have fallen in love for the first time. Floating on air, darlin'. Like the birds and bees are happy making honey just for you. Better yet, it's a good week to make improvements to the relationship arena, too. Time for upgrades, like the frequent flyer miles from all those guilt trips the last three weeks.

Scorpio
Week of: Sept. 8-14
It's a good week to be a Scorpio. Actually, it's a GREAT week to be a
Scorpio. If you are truly benevolent, consider buying some "Cuban-seeded" cigars for your astrology fishing buddy. Of course, that might be asking too much but the way your week looks, you will have a nice mtime being nice. Even better: Folks will wonder what you're up to.

Sagittarius
Week of: Sept. 8-14
OK, Sagi brethren and sisterin, it's time to visit the bookstore and cruise the self-help section. You've been thinking about embarking on a self-improvement journey, and it's a good week to start. If you're a really good Sag (and you know you are) you'll endeavor to help other souls cruising the same aisle. In fact, a date with that attractive person perusing "Breaking the bad relationship cycles" title just might be your ticket. The fish finder isn't too clear about the title, but you get the idea.

Capricorn
Week of: Sept. 8-14
Seems like your intellectual motor is revved up this week, a finely tuned machine. If I can convince you to do something with those bainwaves purring like a '72 GTO in your head, then we'll both be in fine shape. The ideas are swimming in your head, you just need a tap to let them escape, and I don't mean using a beer bong.

Aquarius
Week of: Sept. 8-14
The week starts slow but builds to a momentous weekend. Then it gets better. A fortuitous arrangement of planets in the evening sky may just get you elected president of the Hair Club for Men or named subsitute Spanish Teacher of the Year. Ah, the things I see in the heavens... Too bad you can't really see all of these planets with the naked eye. It's quite a show. This is what I also see: You're Mack Daddy of the heavens, dancing with the Moon. This sets a new tone for your weekend, you beautiful baby.

Pisces
Week of: Sept. 8-14
I always tell Pisces how wonderful everything will be this week because for the sign of the Fish Heads, it's supposed to be wonderful. But this week, we'll try reverse psychology: Nothing will go your way. Not Monday. Or Tuesday. Wednesday downright sucks. Thursday call in sick. Friday will be a very bad day. Nothing will work. All of your batteries will go dead. Your dog AND your cat will run away. Stay in bed. If, on the million-to-one chance things do work out, don't e-mail me with the sordid details. I don't want to know.

Week of: Sept. 1-7

Aries
This week feels like the the world is pulling a Lucy on you. Pulling a Lucy is when you're Charlie Brown, ready to kick the football being held by Lucy, and she pulls it away just before you kick it. Factually, this
isn't the case, but metaphorically, it is. The real problem this week is that
a specific love relationship is being difficult. Your betrothed isn't too
enamored of your bass boat and your time in it. I'll give you a
hint: Football is here again, and that'll make matters worse.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Taurus
You know that real estate deal you've been working on -- the mobile home by the
lake? Well, Bubba, I'm not sure it's a good idea. Think about moving it to
the backburner this week. Why? A number of unsettling changes are
fixin' to test your patience this week. The good news is that out of every mess
eventually emerges a cleaning crew. When the crew is on it's way, I'll let you
know. In the face of conventional astrology, I'd wager that this a good week
for a lottery game or similar twist of fate where you receive a chunk of cash.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Gemini
I hate it when Mercury is retrograde, especially when it makes a mean angle to
Gemini, a sign heavily associated with Mercury. Weeks like this are usually
ones for the record book, and not in a good way. Even then, the records are likely to get mixed up. Murphy's Law(s) will introduce
themselves to you. If it can go wrong, then the jelly side of the toast will
land down, especially if it is an expensive cat. See what I mean about
communications getting fouled up?

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Cancer
You'll wonder about me and this week, because it looks like the week gets off
to a rocky start Monday. That's the bad news. The good news is that by the
weekend, you'll be in fine shape. My caution for this week involves revenge:
Don't do it. You have a chance to get even on Friday for someone who crossed you earlier in the week. Much as this pains me to say this, especially since revenge can be fun for the whole family, but it isn't REALLY a good idea.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Leo
While everyone else is having major difficulties, yours are rather minor. If
you keep a level head with all the excitement happening around you, then you'll
do just fine. Not that I'd ever do this myself but I recommend that you park
yourself in front of the tee-vee for a delirious weekend of football rather
than flirting with disaster out in the naked city. The city isn't a good companion this week, no matter how exciting she looks. Be careful with who you flirt with.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Virgo
Look here, Mr/Mrs./Ms. Virgo: I don't control the planets. I just report on
where they are, and I'm here to tell you that Mercury is making your life miserable. Nothing I can do. Not even Clinton can intervene on this one. What I can tell you is that this week is the beginning of a new cycle, and the next few weeks you'll gradually,
inch by bloody inch, get ahead. Work gets easier, even by the time
weekend because you'll be laughing at some of the foibles of others.
It's a good a start anyway.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Libra
In old-fashioned astrology, Venus rules Libra. Why? In
other branches of astrology, Venus isn't always the nice one. Venus can be known to wear combat boots and pack some heat. This week, watch out for a butch Venus declaring war on you. This could be a real war, or a metaphorical one. After this week, it'll be a better month. It has to be.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Scorpio
My fine and irritated Scorpio friend, just how is this week going to go? Depends on your attitude. For some weird reason, you're being somewhat uncharacteristically loud and obnoxious this week.
And if you're smart enough to read my words of dubious wisdom, then you know
it isn't a good week to be loud. No need to tell the world just
yet. We both know you're great; let's keep it our secret right now.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Sagittarius
The usually ebullient Sagittarius spirit has been sucked dry by the evil monsters of the world. What could make matters worse? How about an unexpected visit from a long-lost friend? Or an ex-lover who turns up suddenly on your doorstep just to say "hello." You usually enjoy a visit from the past, but the one this week leaves you uncomfortable, like you've nibbled on just a little too much bait. Something is amiss at the 7-Eleven, and you lucky archers will have no luck in trying to figure it iy. Why? Good question. The boys in the FGS lab can't figure it out, either. Ever notice that your timing isn't great, either?

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Capricorn
This is not a lucky time. This is not a good time. This is not a good forecast. Pesky planets are all conspiring to make your life
difficult. But here's a welcome upshot: I knew someone who won a lottery under the same conditions. Just when you need relief in the worst possible way,
you'll find a little gift from the heavens, sitting on your front doorstep when
you go out to get the morning paper. Or afternoon mail.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Aquarius
Big planets, little planets -- it doesn't matter. You have good things working
for you, but everything seems to be on hold. Pay attention to lingering suspicions. The days are gradually getting shorter, and you need to realize that time is fleeting. Quit wasting it. Get after those chores and get ready for the return of disco. Oh yeah, and you mother reminded me to nag you this
week, too...

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


Pisces
Hug a tree. Get on the ground and hug Mother Earth. It's a messy proposition,
but it's also about the safest place to be this week as a number of angry
missiles go flying over your head. If you keep your head down this week, you'll
be safe.

Check this out, Bubba: You can listen to an expanded version of your weekly forecast in the privacy of your own cubicle. Or on your home telephone. We don't care where you call from. Here's what you do: Call 1-900-990-9990 and tell them Bubba sent you. It's just $1.99 per minute and like anything fun in this world, you must be at least 18.


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