Week of: Aug. 25-31

"This is strange: methinks
My favor here begins to warp."

-- From Shakespeare's "The Winter's Tale" (I.ii.364-5)

Aries
Bait is a central theme this week. What does bait have to do with a Ram-Tough type? Everything. Instead of bashing those horns of yours into that problem that just won't go away, try a new approach. One alert member of the FGS Faithful discovered that pizza crust -- the older the better -- is a surprising way to catch a monster fish lurking in the deep end, one big enough to eat a fully-grown ewe. So try something new this week in your renewed attack on old problems.

Taurus
You have an amount of willpower, heretofore known as the Giant Hidden Reserve. Most of your GHR will be tested this week. Non-certified astrologers will tell you to give and bend a little, to give in to other peoples' desires. Here at FGS World Headquarters, careful research by our crack staff of fully bonded and insured scientists in white lab coats have found that wearing white lab coats has absolutely no bearing on how much work they get done. The best part of a lab coat is that it prevents pizza sacue from getting on to white t-shirts. They've also found that Taurus types might actually be on the right track. Keep struggling this week for what's right. Fight the power!

Gemini
You have a big hunger inside of you this week, a strong yearning for things not good for you. Copious quantities of chicken-fried ateak, mashed potatoes, and cream gravy come to mind, as does the culinary gift to mankind, the pecan pie. And really good BBQ sauce, too. Ask yourself, though, do you really want all that stuff on your plate this week?

Cancer
Ever do any public speaking? Ever called upon to give a presentation? One of those deals where you get up and bore people with a slide show? You know the routine, the charts, the graphs... all of it pretty meaningless, right? Guess what! You get to do another one this week. Don't get nervous about it, and don't worry, either. Really. With the Sun in Virgo, not everyone will nitpick, just the few who count. And I hope this doesn't worry you.

Leo
The mighty Lion is about to return to its humble origins this week. Good things are afoot in the 7-Eleven of the heavens, dude, and this is usually fortuitous for you (dude, if you don't know what 'fortuitous' means, it's the same as 'bitchin'). Regrettably, I have to report that Mercury is still doing a number on office communications. In fact, you've stepped back in time, and everyone is using a Dixie cup and string for communications. This is a temporary time warp you've stepped into, not a major one, and the heavens will clear up in awhile.

Virgo
The problem with having the littlest planet do a retrograde in your sign is an essay unto itself. If you don't get the free FGS monthly newsletter delivered to your virtual doorstep, you should reconsider because you would have been adequately prepared. Strong love leanings are heating in the Dutch oven of your life, the problem is that this urge won't find an adequate way out of you until after the Mercury Retrograde time. And then you'll be in good shape. Consider delaying your birthday by about month this year.

Libra
Too bad we can't all be Libra-like because the goddess of peace herself is in Libra right now, lending a new degree of diplomacy to you. It's also too bad that old Mercury has a spin bearing, and is doing this little head spin number on you, too. Normally, you would be out there, winning hearts, and salvaging the world from the ugly grasp of someone really bad, like Jean-Claude van Damme. Nope, things ain't a-lookin' too hot this week, but hold on because that diplomacy will get you somewhere.

Scorpio
Mars is the old-fashioned ruler of Scorpio. And Mars is in Scorpio right now. And now I am going to put on my Kevlar. Before you think this is another angry response to the barrage of hate mail I get from my mother (she's a Scorpio, you know), let me explain: Mars is the god of war, but he also can be a god that helps folks (think JFK and the Bay of Pigs). Of course, that's not very likely from a Scorpio, but what did you expect? With Mars in your sign, you should feel a lot of energy, like you could fight a war. With Mercury retrograde, you should know some Roman Gods somewhere are having a good laugh at your expense.

Sagittarius
For some reason, love is in the Sagittarius air this week. Actually, it's more lust than love, but you get the idea. Worse than spelling T-R-O-U-B-L-E in several different languages, your lust/love could be bad thanks to the planets and their stumbling and fumbling motions. To borrow a well-known Texas metaphor, that dog'll hunt. And now, a sports metaphor: It's like a football that won't stay in the fullback's hands. Get the idea? Let go of control in the game of love, and your team wins.

Capricorn
Feeling tense this week? Irritable? Worried about a problem over which you have no control? Chill out, grasshoppa. It's a pesky sign from Mercury Retrograde, and it needs no medication from you. In other words, try meditation. It's a simple solution. Feel better?

Aquarius
One lesson I've learned in the Dilbert World of Office Politics is that automatic weapons and employers don't go together. When under attack from rabid, flesh-eating deer during hunting season, a good field rifle is important. But not in the office, even though you feel like going totally postal. Remember, 99 years is a long, long time.

Pisces
The problem with being a wonderful Pisces is that you are like Teflon, and Mercury Retrograde is sliding right off you. I'll bet you aren't as hard hit by this little tailspin as the other, lesser, signs. Nope, just something extra special going on with you this week. Take advantage of this break in routine to get ahead.

"Eat my leek."
-- From Shakespeare's "Henry V" (V.i.9)

Aries
Heat rash is a problem these days. Usually, you don't get that itching under your collar, but nowadays, it's there. Ice will cool a fevered Aries brow. Imagine a swimming pool, filled with ice cubes. Or imagine a vat of cold Roosevelt dimes. Now that's a way to break the summer heat. If you embark on a fishing expedition soon, imagine a cooler filled with already-peeled shrimp on ice (with cocktail sacue) because you stand a chance to make a haul like that (if you get past the heat rash).

Taurus
It's not like I deliberately want to undermine the hope and faith of every Taurus among the FGS Faithful, but I can't help it if you're plagued with an incessant buzz of a metaphorical insect you can't see, reminding you of fundamental changes that need to be made in your life. OK, I'm beginning to sound like an old coot, reminding you about having to clean up your room all the time. Someone has to do it, though. The cicada-like buzz wouldn't be there if you and your circadian rhythms didn't need a tune-up.

Gemini
During this seven-day period, Tarzan/Jane, you swing through a lot of emotions. So what's new, right? This week the Moon is hitting the zodiac highlights in the sky and that means your emotional well-being is tied, literally, in knots. It's like a fishing line that gets hopelessly tangled. While there's a rosy glow to this whole mess, you're not there yet. Good luck with the knots.

Cancer
Be wary of astrologers who propose get-rich-quick schemes, especially this week. The plan and the pitch sound perfectly plausible, Poindexter. For you, it'll even make sense. That's also the problem because next week you'll ask yourself, "Self, why did I agree to this ludicrous plan?" Then you'll want to take yourself out behind the woodshed and thrash yourself for believing what they said. Can I interest you in some futures in Astrology trading?

Leo
The final few days of the party in Leo are winding down, and the authorities have only been called once or twice. Not bad for a Leo. Now the Sun will gracefully move into Virgo which means, you party animal, that it's time to get back to work. Begin reeling the big bucks in this week as if they were fish and you were a fishing deity. Yessir, it's time to make that transition in life from party reptile to money grub. OK, it's a backward theme for you but trust me, the money gets better.

Virgo
Here's an early birthday to the Virgos among the FGS Faithful who need to be reminded that yes, it's your time of the year. Listen now, friends, to the sanctimonious and righteous words of the Rev. Kramer: "Yo! Happy birthday! Time to cut loose, shake that thang and dance on the countertops!" "Oh joy," the Virgos mutter under their collective breaths, "more parties and drunken fools to clean up after." That's right, but when is a Virgo happiest? Being of service. Like cleaning up after a big party. Or planning one, if that gives you any hints for this week.

Libra
Libra is unduly influenced by Mercury. That's not a such a big thang except that Mercury is retrograde right now, and it's in the sign of the accountant, which is right next door to you. Therefore, (this is going someplace) you need to be more than careful about the books right now. Anything associated with piles of numbers or figures marching across the ledger page of life require your eagle eyes. Look out for accounting errors this week in a big way.

Scorpio
The problems that face Scorpio this week are strictly on a financial plane. Maybe you think your problems should involve a corporate jet, but alas it turns out to be a single-engine Cessna. Wait, there's more: Instead of being the pilot, you're stuck in the rear passenger area we call "steerage" because it's in the tail of the plane. That's what's happening to your financial plane this week. "Facing new challenges" is the nice way to look at it. Cost-cutting is another nice expression.

Sagittarius
Not many people know about the deep, dark recess of your mind, that "Little Shop of Horrors Nook." This dusty and little-used portion of your brain is visited by spotlight-wearing spelunkers this week. Problem is, it feels like the glare of a stage spotlight. I heartily recommend staying away from tee-vee talkshow hosts. Geraldo? You'd rather have a chair broken across your nose. Jenny Jones? Puh-leeze -- how can a talkshow host have more plastic surgery than Pamela Lee? Oprah? Maybe, but only if she agrees to pig out on BBQ with you after the show. Barbara Walters? She'll only make you cry. Gordon Elliott? Tell his people you'll do the show only if he drops the phony Australian accent. Leeza? Hmmmm, she's kind of cute AND from Texas... OK, maybe. If a camera crew is camped out on your front doorstep, then there might be trouble. Better e-mail Kramer immediately at KramerW@aol.com.

Capricorn
Getting out of last week's mess? Time for activity! Road trip! Drive, she said. Get away. While running away from a problem usually doesn't solve it, it will in this case. Saddle up your favorite horse and see the rest of the ranch. Better yet, toss some fishing gear in the boat and head out to your favorite fishing hole. You'll find solace in escapist behavior this week.

Aquarius
The Heddon Chugger is a concave spoon noisemaker lure. Most fishing guides wouldn't advise this lure today, or even this week. I say give it a try. The noisemaker is just what you need to attract the attention of the really big fish. Go ahead and act like one of your rivals and attract the attention you crave and deserve.

Pisces
I remember telling you around the first of the year to put plans into motion. Get-rich-quick schemes. Multi-level marketing scams. Get rich on cleaning products. Or selling seeds. Here's the news: Some seeds have found purchase in the rocky place known as your life, and the first buds of life are poking through. As the ideas sprout forth, look at them. Study them. Know them. Become them. Remember, I suggested a home-based business. Have I told you about becoming your own brewery? Or distillery? It's easy! And fun! Send $19.95 to....

"Rich men sin, and I eat root."
-- From Shakespeare's "Timon of Athens" (I.ii.71)

Mercury Retrograde alert.

Aries
You finally get some rest from the summer sweatbox. Put your feet up and contemplate the inner realities of life, its meaning and the best ways to accessorize. In plainer language, schedule appropriate nap times every day. Sneak out of the office and feed yourself or your lover in a nearby park. Then nap. After what you've been through this last summer, you deserve a break this week. Two words: Power nap.

Taurus
Change is good. It's one of the few constants you can bet on in the game-show of life. And change is imminent this week. You can struggle with these changes, like you usually do, or you can go gracefully. I suggest grace because it would those around you. Just think: You, apparently bending to whims of chance. Your friends will see you in a new light. Give it a try. You'll be surprised with the results.

Gemini
Sudden changes loom on your horizon because that darned fool planet Mercury is doing its moon walk number right now, and do you know how that effects you? Do you? Especially during its first week of retrogradeness? Doh! Cover your head! Run for your life! Buy up futures in Slurpees! OK, it won't be THAT bad but there will be moments this week when things look very, very bleak. Concerned? Don't be, this won't go on forever, it only seems like it.

Cancer
Someone owes you a lot of money. Whoever this slaggard is, your money should be forthcoming this week. That's what the stars say. However, the planets suggest that your mail will be delayed. That big commission check you're waiting on might not get here fast enough. I know you were looking forward to something better, but thank your lucky stars that there is still something good coming along despite the Mercurial influences.

Leo
It's still Leo party time but now that Mercury is doing its downward spiral, let me warn you about unexpected visitors at your parties this week, i.e., the police. It looks like one or two of your rowdy friends have come over, trashed the place, turned the music up too loud, and now you have to pay for it. I hate it when the cops bust up a good party.

Virgo
There are good things, and there are bad things happening. Which do you want first? OK, the bad news is that Mercury is doing its retrograde number starting right here, this week, in Virgo. It means that no matter how hard you clean up and organize, nothing gets done. The good news is that Venus is exceedingly kind to you, and she moves on at the end of the week into Libra. Your sense of beauty has never been prettier. It's a good week to shop for a black velvet dress. Or a black velvet Elvis.

Libra
It's a good week to shop for black velvet art. It's a good week to buy anything with Elvis on it. Speaking of the King, it's a good week to consider a pilgrimage to Graceland. Your chances of finding solace are at least as good as a deal on blue suede shoes. The way things have been going lately, anything with a small degree of relief is worth a try. Remember what the King liked best? Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches. Try comfort food if you're not going to Tennessee.

Scorpio
You're set to revel in the muck. You have extracted a vengeance, an overdue retribution on some poor wretch, and I'll bet you're so excited. There's nothing like paying back in kind to make a Scorpio happy, right? Be careful about your overzealousness with zealousness. Too much fun and then the police are called, people are hauled before Judge Wapner or worse -- lawyers get involved.

Sagittarius
There is a brief, shining moment at the beginning of the week when a small window opens, inviting you in. What will you do? You'll go in, of course. That window is the Entryway to Problemville. You'll probably get in a fight with your girlfriend/boyfriend/pet dog/pet goldfish. Or kick the cat. After this window closes, though, things go right back to sailing along smoothly. Unless you really did get in a fight, then you might have to pay the consequences.

Capricorn
This is not going to be one of your better weeks. Cappy is an Earth Sign, but you knew that. And Mercury is retrograde in an Earth sign. You knew that. And this week feels like everything is going straight into the ditch, but you knew that. What you didn't know is that there is a way out of this wreck without requiring the Jaws of Life. If you're really nice to me, next week I'll explain how you can extract yourself from this dicey situation.

Aquarius
One problem you face this week is that the confounded mercury retrograde is making life miserable for everyone around you. Not that you would ever let a little thing like Mercury get in your way, but it's making life that much more difficult. To top it off, you're going to have mechanical difficulties this week. You'll get over it -- just be prepared with walking shoes and a handful of quarters.

Pisces
"There's a hot wind on my shoulder...." and you still can't understand what Stan Ridgway sings after that in "Mexican Radio," but that doesn't matter. You should have a monumentally good week despite dire predictions for the rest of the zodiac because Pisceans don't care about no stinkin' Mercury retrograde. It just doesn't matter to you. And, there is a secret lift you get from some other planets, too, but more about that later.

Week of: August 4-10

"Do amend thy face, and I'll amend thy life."
in Shakespeare's Henry IV, part uno, III.iii23

Aries : Last week was a killer. Last week, you felt the threshing machine of life go rolling over your naked backside. Last week, John Deere let you know what it was like to be a farmer's field, and just what sort maniacal energy there was in the universe. This week, there is nothing of the sort. all you have to do is picked the shards of your life, and soldier on, like the good Aries that you are. Even you vitality is beginning to come back. Little by little.

Taurus : Keeping with the farm implement idea this week, it's a good week to get out the hand-operated device, a tool called a "hoe" and do some prodigious hoeing. It's backbreaking work, but remember, you are working in the garden of life, and what you sow at this time, you will reap many rewards from. In other words, Bubba, you are getting ready for some good things down the pike. Kind of like cleaning the old bass boat for the weekend.

Gemini : You will wake up one day this week, look around you around you, and think, "strange things are afoot at the Circle K." That was Bill (or Ted) from the first movie. And just like them, you will soon discover that you, too, can travel through time and space in a telephone booth. Pretty neat, huh? Just avoid antagonizing any other sign this week because a lot of folks still feel a little edgy.

Cancer : It's about time to have a talk with you about cars. Certain vehicles are okay. Trucks built before 1980 are fine. Automobiles but before 1960 are nice, too. In fact, there are few models of American cars built in the very early 1960's that are also okay. Fins and round taillights which make the car look like a rocket are good. New cars made in Japan which all look the same are not good. Consider wisely because I'll bet you buying a new car this week. Or getting married, but personally, I think the car is a better idea.

Leo : New Leo Moon in your solar first house on a Monday morning. What's that mean to a layman, such as yourself? Party time! Remember the old Monopoly game? You just got your "get out of jail free" card this week. Now, what you want to do is plan carefully because not only is your birthday time, you are also building a foundation for a brilliant future, i.e., for the rest of the month. Also means a good birthday.

Virgo : if I didn't know Virgo's better, I would suspect that you would have a round of tears this week at some point, probably early in the week when a computer at the office (you were warned about Microsoft products) decides to become a little "balky" which means, it doesn't want to do what you want it to do. Reminds me of an ex-wife or two. If it's not your computer, it might be the electronics in your car. In any case, you are feeling pretty rambunctious by the weekend, and all of these problems will be behind you.

Libra : The giant threshing machine of life has just recently harvested you. That's the good news. And the icky Saturn thing isn't quite so icky this week. And Mars, that little red orb in the sky, is still lending you a certain amount of energy, but you've got to be *martial* about the way you use this energy. Careful with athletic activities which involve sticks, sharp objects, or high rates of speed. You might wander out of control this week.

Scorpio : Every great once in a while, Scorpio's get a moment of clarity. You get one such moment this week. There's a problem, though, Bubba, this moment of clarity, while you can see for miles and miles, you won't be able to communicate just what it is that you see. In other words, you know where to go, you know what to do, and no one is willing to listen or follow. I'd tell you not to take it personally, but you will.

Sagittarius : Some other folks are having a mighty rough time of it this summer. You have been feeling a little under the weather but as of late, like this week, you have started to feel better. The sun is shining, that's true (okay, it's hotter than hell), but you can look on the bright side of all of this: the dry summer days making it easier to make hay in the fall. This isn't cryptic astrology, I'm talking about farming principals here. Think about bailing hay. Then think about something better.

Capricorn : Cappy's can be a lovely sort, if you just figure them out right. And most cappy's are wonderful, one just has to dig down through that gruff exterior. You might try helping us dig through that gruff exterior this week by shedding some of your protective layers. Not a promise that it will yield anything substantial, but who knows? It just might. {There's one Cappy out there who never seems to understand, and for here, let me put it this way: drop your guard, i.e., get out of the armor-plated suit, please.}

Aquarius : Going someplace this week? If not, then you should be. But I would consider looking at a decent Rest Area for a vacation spot. I mean, every one else goes to Europe, or the Far East (the Far East is New York City) so what I suggest is that you pull off the highway in scenic rest area, and watch the other travelers go by. Shoot, they got all the amenities you need, regular trash service and flush toilets, what else do you want?

Pisces : Housecleaning again? I swear, if I have to suggest that you clean up you mess one more time, I just know you are going to shoot me [metaphorically speaking, of course]. But getting something ready, getting prepared, or being prepared for the unexpected is a good idea this week. I still like the word housecleaning, but lord knows, not many Pisces know a thing about it.

Week of: July 28-August 3

'Tis a boisterous and cruel style.
In shakespeare's As You Like It (IV.iii.31)

Aries : My fine Aries friends! Good news! Saturn, the ugly source of all your entertaining misadventures as of late is finally going to give you some relief! What's that mean in plain English? Party time! Break out the kegs and the cakes, get ready to dance around in the moonlight naked, try for some fireworks just once more! There's also a special fishing lure with a little concave dish at the front called a "noisemaker" and running one of those this week would be highly appropriate.

Taurus : I'll bet you feel like you life sounds like a John Deere tractor when it's about to drop third gear. All that threshing around that you've been doing will eventually yield some good results but the best bet for this week, instead of trying to shift into a higher gear, is the sit back and just peg that sucker out in second gear. Wind it as tight as you can. You'll get there. Eventually. And a lot of the livestock will like you for it.

Gemini : A sidewinders is a great lure to be using this week, and actually, it is not much more than a sliver of metal with a hook and little bit of plastic fluff. But the idea of the sidewinders does you good, either for the namesake from the desert, or the lure I was alluding to, because neither object works directly. No straight line for you this week, either. And if you can't catch fish the lure I recommended, you can always use it as an earring. I do.

Cancer : There's a pretty miserable planetary configuration in the night sky which leads you to think that THEY are out to get you again. I don't think THEY are out to get you again, I think you're just being paranoid this week. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be looking over your shoulder from time to time because this is the week when old lovers will return, intent on making you miserable.

Leo : Break out the fireworks all over again, because this going to be one "kick in the butt" birthday party week for Leo's. In fact, like New year's time, when you make all those resolutions, this is the week to do your annual "year in review" and "what can I do to make next year even better" thing. The good news here is that this review process will go smoothly, and the good news is that the resolutions can stick. The bad news for Leo this week? There isn't any!

Virgo : There was time when magic filled the air, and you feel like you touch that time right now. You are alternately struggling with a relationship woe, and enjoying the fact that this relationship feels so good. Regrettably, you can't make up your mind from day to day whether this relationship is good are not. I'll give you a hint: it is supposed to be wonderful right now. Whether it is or not, well, that's up to you. Mercury and Venus are still making you talkative and beautiful this week.

Libra : The only thing that I would really watch for this week, if I were a Libra, would be compulsively spinning my wheels at work and getting no results. Or getting no apparent results. You are part of a larger conspiracy to make sure that nothing too useful gets done this week (the conspiracy was started by Leo's because it's their birthday week). Unfortunately, what this means is that you will be in the unenviable positron where you feel like you take two steps forward and then about thirty-seven step backwards. See what I mean? And it's all Leo's fault. Don't blame me. They started the parties this week.

Scorpio : I haven't had enough hate mail from Scorpio's this week, so I thought I might say something mean and nasty. But the way the star look for you guys, I should say something comforting instead. I mean, you've got a lot of stuff pushing and pulling on your tough exterior, just begging you to move ahead with some new projects, and it looks like you are still resistant to change. Nothing too new there, a Scorpio resistant to change. Lighten up and sneak into a Leo party this week.

Sagittarius : "Men’s evil manners live in brass; their virtues/We write in water." Shakespeare's Henry VIII (IV.ii.46-6) And that nice quote sort of sums up this week. Look: there's a great party going on over in Leo, and that's a compatible sign for you. Just remember to pay the Leo host or party giver, or both, a nice compliment or two. Careful with that old Sagittarius mouth of yours, and be careful too much fun doesn't loosen up your tongue, too, because you want to be invited back next year (rather than ejected this year).

Capricorn : While all the other signs are concerned about bait and parties, I want to talk you serious minded Cappy's about beliefs. your beliefs. In the past few years, you have been coerced into doing little reality checks along the way, and this is, perhaps, too much reality for you. Each time you've wondered if it was right, if what you hold in your heart is true. Yes, it is. You'll get sign this week, and I don't mean an astrological sign either. It might be fortune cookie, and it might be a shooting star. You'll know what I mean.

Aquarius : You're thinking about moving right now. You've had it with the old homestead. A few months back, I told you to buy a trailer house, one that actually could roll down the highway. You didn't listen, did you ? You never listen to me! Instead, what you are faced with this week is that old, relentless urge to move again. I told you a travel trailer would make a good home for you for the next few years.

Pisces : Minnow type jerk bait. No, it's not a form of Caribbean cuisine, either. It's a lure. It's what you should be using for fishing this week. And I would also consider letting this bait run a little deeper than conventional bass wisdom allows for because you've got a chance at some really big strikes if you get under the surface. It's even time to start thinking about dragging the bottom of the lake. No, bottom feeders aren't in season just yet, but be patient.

Week of: July 21-27

"How dares thy harsh rude tongue sound this unpleasing news?"
-- From Shakespeare's Richard II, Act, 3, Scene 4, line 74

A few Scorpios and Virgos have taken a shine to my horoscopes. While I relish the praise, and my
battered male ego loves the attention, it's not my intention to irritate you. I just report what the planets are up to. Maybe I should recall what that messenger kept telling Cleopatra because I sure know how he feels these days. If you know the passage I'm talking about, then drop me a line, and I'll send you a free "El-Cheapo" report. I'll just need the Act, Scene, and line number in order to declare you an instant winner...

Aries
Some people call it the Twilight Zone. Some call it the Reality Distortion Field. And some call it the Real World. Welcome to Planet Aries for a week of, well, hmm, a chance to, well, you see, I'm not sure how to put this to you, but you aren't ready to make any serious decisions this week. I realize you're ready to make the decisions, but I suggest you do something completely out of character and put them off for at least another week. You'll be much happier this way.

Taurus
By now, you may be developing a complex because it may seem like I have nothing nice to say about Taurus. This is a damn lie! OK, where was I? Oh yes! Ranting! You see, it's really just a few darned planets keep that getting in your way, making life uncomfortable. And nothing is worse than a discomfited Taurus, believe me. The only shining light this week is the single most important love interest in your life will straighten up and fly right. Not completely, but you can see them wobbling off in the right direction, that is "wobbling toward you" not "off."

Gemini
The week starts out well, then slumps, then picks up momentum during the weekend. In fact, I'm pretty sure about this: You might consider entering a celebrity pro-am bass tournament of champions. This would be the big break you've been looking for, a chance at a huge jackpot, and some celebrity status of your own. Just what you've always wanted: a boat full of fish.

Cancer
There comes a time in everyone's life when a decision must be made. A time to face the coldly objective facts of life. A cosmic review. You have a review this week. Well? What's it going to be? Lunkerbaits and buzzbaits? A Devil's Horse? How about slash bait? And, as long as you are working on the eternal verities of the universe, who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy? At FGS World Headquarters, we're all Ford people. Why all the questions? Looks like you want to pop a big question this week, and I'm just trying to save you from that mistake again.

Leo
Sweet Leo friends, your search for happiness can be one of the most tragic events ever. If you would just QUIT LOOKING, the Happiness Bug will find you. However, you must stalking it, and let it find you. This is the beginning of long series of happy birthday weeks for all of the lovely Leos -- but let me caution you that searching for the happiness quotient in life is one of the most unhappy events of all time.

Virgo
A few minor planets trip into your sign this week. This is good news because these planets bear fruit. Or, at least in one case, bare fruit. Venus and Mercury are making merry music in Virgo now. Venus is that old love thang, hence the distinction between bare and bear, and Mercury is thinking about it, talking about it, writing love notes about it, and generally trying to communicate this information to the world. I suggest a fax machine.

Libra
Some days are tougher than others, and this week is no exception. If you're interested in the technical side, then know that Mars and Saturn are about opposite each other -- this opposition makes for a tough time. The good news is that the next time something like this happens in the heavens, it'll happen to other signs, not you. This week is slow-going. Just take your time and remember to proofread your work. Spelling counts.

Scorpio
There's a lot of stories in the naked city. Fortunately, I live near a large body of water so I get fish stories. Scorpio is a water sign, and you need some fish stories this week. I urge you to consider whoppers. Polish up your best tales about broken fishing lines, the big one, that "glory hole" where all you had to do was drop a hook in the water and the fish would bite at it, jumping into your boat. Yes, it's a good week for tales.

Sagittarius
I'll bet you've had a set of cinderblock shelves. In fact, you may have some now. These "building blocks" and the stars function in much the same way. Just like the way you can put together small projects like a set of bookshelves, you can assemble large projects, like maybe the apartment you lived in (or are living in now) made with the same building blocks, cinder blocks. Work with me on this: It's time to start assembling projects.

Capricorn
It's a good week to straighten your work space. Clean up the desk or the work bench or tool box. If you're lucky enough to fish for a living, clean up the tackle box. Certain items you thought lost were just tucked away in the nooks and crannies of your work space. These are items you might need later. This cleaning exercise is a good way to rid yourself of negative thoughts.

Aquarius
It's another good week in Aquarius country. You have two guys hitting on you pretty strong, and a moon that emphasizes this, too. In their words, go for the gold. An Olympic metaphor is passe a year later, but you should get the idea that you have the strength to finish the sprint to the end.

Pisces
I love Pisces... in fact, I make that same statement many times over. That's the good news. The less than wonderful news is that it's a long and dark summer. Actually, it's not too dark, just hot and rainy when, despite the dark underside of the rain clouds, all you can feel is oppressive summer heat. I'm sorry about this report. The sliver lining is there if you just pause long enough to see it.

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

--Hunter S. Thompson

Week of: July 14-20

Aries
Cool off, chill out, and don't panic. Especially don't panic. You don't
have the energy for it. You feel like a washed-up fish on the shore,
bloated and stinking. The way this week looks, you might even feel like
the gulls are enjoying a fine dining experience courtesy of you. OK, you
REALLY shouldn't panic! It's just a weird, hallucinogenic and
tension-filled week that will end soon. But you'd better plan on mowing
the lawn this weekend instead of fishing.

Taurus
This is a week to struggle like you've never struggled before. A
tremendous pressure is weighing on you, and you can't relieve that ache
between your shoulder blades. Or maybe it's a persistent insect buzzing
in your ear. The good news is that you will find a degree of relief by
the middle of the week. Or maybe you just need to get the
air-conditioning fixed in your car. Sure, cars without AC have the
right-of-way, but that doesn't make it any more fun to drive.

Gemini
An old science fiction short story called "Blow Ups Happen" neatly
describes your week. Just when you thought you were through with the
pyrotechnics from the Fourth, you find a smokebomb in your pants. But
before you stomp off in anger, send me the name of the author of the
short story mentioned, and I'll email you a free "el-cheapo" chart
analysis. You need something to take your mind off the mundane matters
of living for awhile.

Cancer
If you're not moving in with Bubba or Bubbette, then I was wrong about
this romance thing. Some folks are so afraid of commitment that they
live in trailer houses so they can pick up and move in a hurry. Are you
an outwardly mobile Cancer this week? Living in a house from which you
never remove the wheels isn't the best way to live your life.

Leo
Every once in a while, the good life just doesn't get any better, just
like in a beer commercial. Like this week. Regrettably, it's not like
that for the rest of the world, so remember to go easy on your friends
and family because they're not as bold and courageous and invincible and
beautiful. In fact, they might be a little envious, so tread softly.
Well, as softly as a Leo can.

Virgo
We have a conflict happening, otherwise known as a Big Issue. The issue:
romance. The universe is conspiring to make it happen for you. The
conflict: Your brain. It's unhappy. As you may know, some modern
philosophers and country singer-songwriters equate love with depression,
but I can separate them for you. Love should make you happy when you're
in it, sad when you're not. It's that easy. Now, to make the week even
better, think about love. Obsessively. I hope this doesn't worry you.

Libra
A lingering positive influence is turning into a lingering malignant
influence. Pressure is once again building, mounting to what seems like
an incredible crescendo, and... never mind. You'll be let down if I tell
you what will happen this week. The anticipation is better for you. It's
improving, just not this week.

Scorpio
Eat, drink, be merry, fair wench! This is a week to party like a
hell-bent-for-leather Leo because the Moon kicks your recently lazy butt
into action. I would do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, only
Scorpios carry grudges and knives and other sharp utensils, and I don't
want to get hurt. But consider the beginning of this week as a call to
get booted out of the house and into the fast lane of life.

Sagittarius
Lucky Archer! A bizarre twist of fate twists your arm this week as Lady
Luck stops by for a spell. You have INTERESTING changes ahead in the
wardrobe department of your life, and you need to remember that the
outer landscape (the stuff you wear) is a reflection of the inner
landscape (the way you think). So unless you're trying to make some sort
of major new fashion statement, black knee-high socks with shorts and
tennis shoes are not recommended. See your doctor for details.

Capricorn
Live bait works best this week. This goes against conventional fishing
wisdom, but every once in a while, fly-fishing in the face of
conventional wisdom can yield good results. Net profits will be up if
you try the live bait.

Aquarius
Once again, against your wishes, you are under the lucky spotlight, only
you didn't choose this spotlight. If you would just drop the Aquarius
Attitude for awhile, you'll notice that you can calmly accept the
accolades that keep coming your way. I hope you have a decent hammock
set up on the front porch because it's a good weekend to relax, drink
iced tea and think about mowing the lawn.

Pisces
Nest and rest is the best advice I can give you. You are struck with odd
thoughts about work but if you are a good Pisces, and you are, you can
quickly dismiss these thoughts and get back to what is important this
week, like getting comfortable in the shade and dozing while fish don't
bite the hook you put in the lake.

Week of: July 14-20

"Thou debosh'd fish, thou!"
in Shakepeare's The Tempest (II.ii.25)

Aries : Cool off, chill out, and don't panic. Especially don't panic. The problem is that you need more energy and it just ain't there. You feel like one of those old fishes that gets washed up on the shore, a bloated and stinking rotting carcass. The way this week looks, you might even feel like the gulls are having a fine dining experience with your intestinal track as their main course. Relax because this is merely a week of tension which will be over with soon enough. But you better plan on mowing the lawn this weekend instead of a fishing trip.

Taurus : This is a week where you are going to feel like you have struggled like you have never struggled before. It's as if you've got a tremendous amount of pressure weighing you down, and you just can't get up to relive this ache between your should blades. Or maybe it's like a persistent insect buzzing in your ear. The good news is that you will find a degree of relief by the middle of the week. Probably just the AC fixed, but that's a start.

Gemini : There's a rather old Science Fiction short story called "Blow Ups Happen," and such a title would pretty neatly describe your week coming up. And you just thought you were down with the pyrotechnics from the Fourth, didn't you. But before you stomp off in anger, send me the name of the author of the short story mentioned, and I'll email you free "el-cheapo" chart analysis. You need something to take your mind off the mundane matters of living for a little while.

Cancer : If you're not moving in with Bubba or Bubbette, then I was wrong about this romance thing. There are some folks who are so afraid of commitment that they live in trailer houses just so they can pick up and move in hurry. Are you one of those this week? Living in the trailer house that you never take down off the wheel, just in case you need to move on? What's the rush?

Leo : Every once in a while, the good life just doesn't get any better. This is a week like that for you Leo's. Regrettably, it's not a week like that for the rest of the world, so remember to go easy on your friends and family this week, because they're not having as good a time as you. In fact, they might be a little envious, so treat softly. Well, as softly as a Leo can.

Virgo : We've got a couple of conflicting things going on for Virgo right now. One is a positive influence on romance, the old love thing. The other is a negative influence on the brain thing. Some modern philosophers will equate the two, the love thing and the depression thing, but I can separate them for you. Now, to make the week even better, just think about that love thing. Obsessively. I hope this doesn't worry you.

Libra : what has been a lingering good influence is turning into a linger malignant influence this week. Pressure is once again building, mounting to what seems like an incredible crescendo, and... never mind. You'll just be let down if I were to tell you what was going to happen this week. The anticipation is better for you. It is improving, just not this week.

Scorpio : Eat, drink, be merry! This is a week to party on, like Leo because the Moon gives you a resounding kick in the rear to get you out and off you dead backside. I would do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, only Scorpio's carry grudges and I would never want to be the recipient of one of your grudge things. But do consider the beginning of this week as a time when you are getting booted out of the house and into action.

Sagittarius : Lucky Archer! There is a bizarre twist of fate this week as Lady Luck comes to visit you, if only for a brief moment. You've got some INTERESTING changes occurring in the wardrobe department of your life, and you need to remember that the outer landscape (the stuff you wear) is a reflection of the inner landscape (the way you think). Top water lures work best this week, against all odds. Go for black bass, trophy size.

Capricorn : Live bait, like worms and minnows work best this week for you. This goes against conventional fishing wisdom, but every once in a while, you will find that flying into the face of conventional wisdom can yield a good result. Net profits will be up if you try the live bait.

Aquarius : Once again, and against your wishes, you find yourself in a lucky spotlight, only, this spotlight is one that you did not choose. Still, if you would just drop the Aquarius Attitude for a little while, then you'll notice that you can calmly accept the accolades which wind up coming your way. I hope you have a decent hammock set up on the front porch because this would be a good weekend to relax a little, drink some ice tea, and think about mowing the lawn.

Pisces : Nesting and resting seem to me to be the best advice I can give you. You are struck with odd thoughts which concern work, but if you are a good Pisces, and you are, you can quickly dismiss these thoughts of hard work and get back to what is important this week, getting comfortable in the shade someplace, and dozing while fish don't bite the hook that you put into the lake.

Week of: July 7 -13
"Is my lord well that he doth speak so wide?"
In Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing (IV.i.62)
Topwater Lures are working best this week.

Aries : Since you managed NOT to ignite yourself while playing with fireworks last weekend, I'm assuming that you think this week has got to be better. There is an unfortunate arrangement in the sky which is going to exacerbate the challenges you face on a day to day basis. Rather than being figurative rain on your metaphorical parade, though, I might just remind you what you are an Aries, and you supposed to be up to meeting this little challenges. Me? I could certainly do with a few less challenges.

Taurus : The thing to to look out for is a emotional outburst which would be kind of like a fireworks leftover from last weekend with an extra long fuse. You've been accused of having an extra long fuse, too, and it's got a slow burn going this week. It might get to the point where it sets you off, as well, but only if you let it. That's easy for us to say, but it's a little harder for you to deal with. Some one has been bugging you, and I don't think this is the week to clobber them even though [you were right] they thorough;y deserve it.

Gemini : As a Gemini, you should have the finest little after-glow going from the July 4th Weekend. In fact, you should be smack dab in the middle of expanding both your professional side and your social life. The good news is that you are Gemini, and as the sign of the twins, you can balance too much activity at one time. While the summer is slowing down for everyone else, you will find this week is filled with a truckload of activity.

Cancer : It's happy birthday time again for that old Managing Editor at FGS World Headquarters. Drop Bubba a note at "BenBubba@aol.com" and let him know what a nice birthday he should have. The rest of you ought to be involved in wonderful new romantic flings. And if it is a birthday week for you, then the rest of the year looks rather delightful because there is a problem you've had with your boss, and that gets resolved this week. Or it should.

Leo : It's another summer of love as we all approach the dog days of summer when it's really just too hot to move out from underneath the old AC unit. I would tend to regard this heat as emotional heat from a supercharged situation between you and a new lover. If it's an old lover, remember one astrologer observed that one of Dante's Ring of Hell was populated with ex-lovers. "Don't go there," as the vernacular suggests. So use this heat in a productive way... Monday sets an amorous tone to the whole week.

Virgo : Virgo's often whine. It's a fact of life. Just like the stars keep ticking over in the heavens, Virgo's complain about things. In one respect, this very good. A nice Virgo friend can be called the "designated complaint person" which makes it lot easier on the rest. We can on through life liking everything. The reason why I'm talking about this wonderful "critical ability" this week is because it is particularly emphasized by a strange little observed planetary phenomena. Use it wisely. Be gentle with your complaints as you prod the rest of us 11 signs to a higher good.

Libra : The week kicks off with a lot of action. It looks like you are spending a lot time hustling back and forth from the boat dock to garage to the office. See, if you "fished" for a living, the boat dock and office would be one and the same thing. Alas, not everyone can have such a gentle life. So it still looks like you've out a lot of hurrying back and forth to do.

Scorpio : The is an ever-present drumming inside your head, and the noise is very much like that of rainwater falling on a tin roof. The problem with this noise is that you can't isolate it, you can't get away from and it is driving you insane this week. The good news is that the insanity part is only temporary and you're not going to wind up walking down the street talking to yourself. I'll also promise that the noise in your head will stop next week.

Sagittarius : you've got another special week coming up! This week, the major emphasis is love. Or romance, because you are a Sag. One way, or another, it's going to get you this week. There is a bright star on the horizon, and that is leaving an indelible mark on you. You're ready for one of those relationships right now. But just like a shooting star, be careful that this isn't just another flash in the sky that burns brightly and then is seen no more.

Capricorn : In the dog-says of summer, there isn't a lot going on. You've got to come up with a self-help-motivational line which will not only motivate you, but also motivate those around you. It looks like you are letting other people slow you down right now, and that just won't work.

Aquarius : Monday morning rolls in with quite the bang. I would suggest you stopping by the donut palace and picking up several dozen boxes of fried flour glazed with sugar coating to appease everyone at the office. And, if no one wants any of those donuts, you can always save them for latter. They contain three of the four major food groups, grease, refined flour, and sugar. That's the way folks are going to see this week, too, unctuous, refined, and a little too sweet.

Pisces : While everyone else is still trying to recover from the the weekend, it is your solemn duty to go forth and and play. Look, it's s tired week, and no one wants to work, but you have to shoulder on through this thick morass of life and get something going.

    "[Your] wit's as thick as Tewkesbury mustard."
    in Shakespeare's Henry IV, part duo (II.iv.237)

Week of: June 30 - July 6

Aries : No doubt, you've heard this joke, "you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose....*" and this is a nice way to tell you that you need to be a lot more careful this week, especially this week, when it comes to picking fights. Be careful what battles you choose to embark on. Me? When I'm, in this position, I stick to fights that I can win. Usually. Sounds good, anyway. But that is what you need to watch for: select battles which have meaning, not just because you feel like brawling.
*but you can't wipe your friends under the couch

Taurus : About the only thing I have in the form advice or admonitions about the upcoming week is to watch your appetite around the picnic table. You will be very tempted to consume far too much of the good stuff like BBQ, Tater Salad, and massive quantities of fresh, home-made pie. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. So watch the urge to consume this week, especially all that good party - fare.

Gemini : I realize we're going into a "party-party weekend" [Joe King Carasco song], but you need to give a little bit of thought to more sober and far-ranging ideas, like consider a new work-out program. I know it sounds strange, but a decent exercise plan can make fishing better. Now, I'm not saying to start this idea this week, but give it some thought.

Cancer : Another Cancer birthday. another year older. Nothing but romance in the air, too. The wedding asteroid, a feminist concept, is swinging its way through the sing of the crabby old man, so you guys are considering marriage right now. Remember that this wedding asteroid is fleeting influence, but take my advice (I have lots of experience here) weddings can be a hard thing to get out of. Expensive, too.

Leo : I usually end my monthly forecast for Leo with a succinct, "Party On!" because to fits the majestic sign so well. Now that Venus has brought her sweet self into this sign, the words could not be more appropriate, either. Enjoy the festivities this week. Have a good time. Don't take work too serious, it'll always be there next week when you return to your body. The Moon adds a surreal quality to the weekend, too, so have a some extra fun!

Virgo : Look, dear sweet Virgo, it's a vacation week. Can't you lighten up for just one little tinsey minute? Long enough to day dream some? That's my big recommendation for you guys for this week, lighten up and dream. A little bit of time spent in the fantasy world between your ears would do you a world of good. [And it would give the rest of us a break from your incessant nagging!]

Libra : There's a special spot, on the lake here, and I can't ever fish there. One old fisherman already has the place staked out. it's his special sweet spot. I've been there when he's not around, and it just doesn't work. Those fish won't bite for me, but he always goes home with stringer full of nice,. fat little fish. You're coming into an astrological week like that fishing hole. It's a sweet time, but you've got this it just right. I have every confidence that you will.

Scorpio : I like to be able to say things like this: you will find that you mind is on wings right now, and you have flown higher than the clouds. In fact, you might be so straight thinking right now, that you could see the whole planet itself. What to do with this sort of thinking? Prepare for the troubled waters ahead because there is no time like the present to use your vision to get things ready for what might lie ahead.

Sagittarius : More changes are coming along this week! As a fire sign and inveterate party animal, this is a weekend coming up which is good for your kind of display of emotions: fireworks. Enjoy the week's festivities. I would consider using the term "fire' as a metaphor rather than actually doing anything with fire though, it's long, hot and DRY summer, and you don't want to start anything that you can't control.

Capricorn : You know, if a Cappy didn't have certain obstacles to face in life, then that Cappy just wouldn't feel fulfilled. And that about sums up this week, and with all the dry weather, you are going to do a lot of worrying about firecrackers. Face it: some one had top worry about the munitions. That's your job as we approach the weekend. Put on your little red fire fighting hat and go to it. Or, grab your rifle and find a fire fight. I can never remember just which one it is: fire fighting or fire fight.

Aquarius : You deserve a break today. So take one! You will find that the urge to play probably outweighs the urge to do anything else. This being a long, long 4th of July Weekend coming up, too, this urge to walk out of the office is really, really strong. Being the understanding male that I am, I would suggest that you consider the consequences of your actions, I mean, what will your employer say if you walk away for a week or two? Then, being the understanding Fishing Guide to the Stars that I am, I'll tell you that you should walk away for a week or two, and everything will be okay.

Pisces : You are entering into a period of time, could be this week, could be this coming month, but during this period of time, you are set for some pretty smooth motoring. Imagine you're on the lake, and your little trolling motor is humming along quietly, and that ought to give a you a great image for what this next week will be like. If you were a forward thinking Pisces, it would be a good time to prepare for the nasty season to come, but I'll bet you are just going to set there and enjoy the ride in the boat.

Week of: June 23-39

"These giddy loose suggestions!"
in Shakespeare's King John (III,i,218)

Aries : Did you pull that trigger last week? Do have a mess to clean up this week? Did you listen to the sage advice of your astrologer? Of course not. When do you ever listen to me? I realize that I'm starting to whine a bit about this, but I was just trying to save you from having to do such a thorough housecleaning. Unfortunately, last week you created a mess, and there is no time like the present to get out there and clean it up.

Taurus : This was a quite week, at least, it's supposed to be. You feeling like "getting away from it all" and I agree with that idea. In fact, I would suggest a decent vacation plan would be a good idea this week. Stay home to avoid the oppressive summer heat. Look the door. Turn off the the telephone. Unplug the computer. If you really want communications, there is always the fax machine right? Whatever you do, it's definitely a good time to not to go to work. Remember, I suggested it first.

Gemini : The summer solstice has come and gone, and it is officially summer, but you've been feeling the heat for a while. But with all the birthday parties behind you you, now is a time to get to work. I understand that work is harsh word, a vile word, but I recommend that you consider the fruits of your labors: money. you are going into a fresh cycle for starting stuff up. Time for a new project at work, despite the summer heat. And time to get your fishing gear ready for a big fishing party again this weekend. Who said the parties were all over?

Cancer : The week starts out with Mercury and the Sun doing a little tango in the sign of the Crab. Means that you will be particularly loquacious this week. Bet you wind up talking a lot and sounding just like a Gemini. You are experiencing some really unusual energy right now, which means if you can strike a balance between work and play, you can do well. Really well, in fact. So good that fish will just jump into your boat, and the boss will give you a pat on the back. Just don't plan on sleeping too much, and have a happy birthday.

Leo : I like this time of year. The normal, active Leo lifestyle has gotten a little subdued as of late. I wouldn't worry about it. You have developed a sleepy look in your eyes, and this can be termed as "bedroom eyes." Use them bedroom eyes as much as you can because you can wind up with a new relationship, starting out this week. Some astrologers talk about hot romance. I think a volcano spewing lava would be a more appropriate metaphor for this week.

Virgo : I wouldn't say that Virgo's are compulsive. No, I would never even hint at that. But without a whole lot to worry about this week, in fact, without any troublers whatsoever on your personal horizon, you might worry that there is nothing to worry about. That would be a problem in and of itself. No problems are a problem for a Virgo. I'm tempted to say something tacky like "get over it," but that doesn't fly with you guys, either. But you'd better get over it, anyway.

Libra : Remember that song about "fight for your right to party"? That's what you feel like this week. It's also a week when I would warn you about fishing with dynamite because the old gamer warden (or other uniformed authority figure) could come along and give you a written reprimand for doing something that is blatantly illegal. Besides, using dynamite as bait has a few risks: loss of fish, loss of body parts, and the ubiquitous "raining down of fish" which can be like "manna from heaven" but it can also be like nightmare. Nope, not a good time for handling explosives. Or explosive situations.

Scorpio : If I were a Scorpio this week, I would nestle down into a nice, cool air conditioned trailer house, in the trailer park, and not go anywhere. Maybe complain about the heat. Look at the lawn turning brown, and then think to myself, "Self, we should conserve water and energy." (Hint: if the lawn is brown, you don't have to mow it.) Do you get the idea? Conserve mass and energy this week.. Stay home. If your boss wants you at work, tell him your astrologer said a rock was going to fall on your head so you decided to stay home. I know you're employer will understand.

Sagittarius : There is a real unusual energy which is defined to hit you like a locomotive train, pulling a hundred cars or more, flat out through the West Texas night. If you're smart, you won't try to stand in the way of this oncoming train, because, if you tangle the hard way, you'll become a little squish mark on the train tracks of life. However, there is a chance that you can stand off to the side of this train, and hitch a ride. That's the best bet, because it will be the ride of your life.

Capricorn : The long, dark days of summer are here. I would recommend that you soothe your fevered Cappy brow in the shade someplace, perhaps with a nice cool beverage. Here at FGS World Headquarters, the preferred summer drink is Ice Tea. I recommend a long, tall glass of that stuff this week. Just cool it because now is not a time to picking fights you won't win. Even your family wants to stir up trouble, and like I said before, it's just too hot for this behavior right now.

Aquarius : Coming or going? Both? Only you can do that, like the true Aquarius that you are. Here at FGS World Headquarters, we always say, "fish or cut bait." That's an apt concept for for this week. If you would just take some action, take a step in any direction, the rest of the plan will start to come together. But you've got to take that first step. (I hate sounding like a self-help program.)

Pisces : I would just plan on taking the next month off. I mean, the next 30 days or so. You won't really get much accomplished in the field of work, and no one wants to work in a field when it's this hot out. Take some time off, kick you feet up, relax a spell, and forget about what's going on around you in the unreal world of work. Take a vacation pool side, you know, in the backyard. If your trailer house is like ours, then it won't take too much water to fill up the swimming pool. (Might want to clean out because it was last used for flea dip for the dog.)

Week of: June 16-22

"An oath of mickle might!"

in shakespeare's Henry V, (II.i.66)

Aries : I always like to categorized Aries as "firemen" because you are very good at "shooting from the hip" to swipe an old (and still applicable) term. This week, though, your "shoot first and ask questions later" attitude might just backfire in your face. I know it's a been a nasty world out there, but some one has to do the cleaning up occasionally. That would be you, this week. So if you are going to pull that trigger, just remember you'll have to mop up afterwards.

Taurus : I would look to the heavens for some sort of inspiration this week. In fact, you are going to feel like nothing short of divine intervention is going to save you. That's a problem, uh? No, don't formulate an answer yet because you have a unique set of planetary influences this week which mean that, at the last minute, when you least expect it, you receiving a saving grace which seems to fall right out of the sky. Remember, when you get hit by meteorite, you heard about it here first. Should be this week, too.

Gemini : Can you imagine a frantic Gemini? Actually, can you imagine a Gemini who isn't frantic about three quarters of the time? You'll notice that the usual frenetic pace you maintain is moving into a more relaxed tempo, as this week comes to a close. I would recommend looking into new home furnishing, or even think about putting a bench seat in the bass boat so you could take more folks with you when you fish.

Cancer : That old love thing is kicking around in your sign again, stirring up the hornet's nest of emotions. My recommendations is the abandon yourself to the BBQ grill. Men love cooking outdoors, especially if there is an element of danger. And with igniting most grills, there is definitely an element of danger. Go forth and explode under this weeks planets.

Leo : After telling the Cancer's what I told 'em, I realize that you might be a little jealous. Look at this way, my dear Leo friend, this is just a temporary thing for them, and you always carry that passionate, fire-like energy with, at all times. It's just a little subdued right now. The summer is heating up, and the good stuff just hasn't kicked in yet, like the fabled afterburners on fighter jet.

Virgo : First of all, this not a store recommendation, nor is a an official FGS product endorsement. It's just that the shag carpet in your trailer house is getting a bit fragrant. You shouldn't have let all the fishing buddies over with their muddy boots, nor should you have let hem clean and gut that deer in the living room. The solution to this heady aromatic mess is it is a good week to think about steam cleaning the carpets. Or getting some one else to do some really heavy duty cleaning for you. I warned you about sky-blue shag carpet, didn't I?

Libra : While Virgo is doing the Deep Cleaning thing, you can do just about whatever it is that you want, provided that you make a mess. It's not like Libra's are typically neat clean types, either, it's just that this is a good week for you to go out and stir up a hornet's nest worth of trouble. Even though you live in a glass house, it's okay to throw a few rocks this week. the shards of glass laying around your feet are images which needed to be shattered. Besides, you're feeling really rebellious this week.

Scorpio : (No Mom, I don't have any issues with Scorpio's) This is a good week for the Scorpio in the house because the disruptive planets are still being disruptive, but the Moon glides gently overhead for a little while this week, and that brings a welcome solace to the poor, fevered brow of the Scorpio. The unusual surge in energy level continues, sort of like being hooked up to an unregulated electrical charger. You might wind up the week with your hair standing on end. Don't say I didn't try to warn you.

Sagittarius : Dig into the back closet at the home stead. No, this isn't an urge for you to do something like "come out of the closet," no I mean this in much more literal sense. You've got some old fishing tackle, a favorite lure, a lucky bowling shirt, that sort of thing, lurking away in your back closet. Stuck some place where you had forgotten all about it. This is the week to get in there and dig this stuff out because it has been languishing in the dark too long. You'll find that your old lucky charms work just as well as they always had, you just need to get to them again.

Capricorn : Fish or cut bait. One or the other. do something. By the time the weekend rolls around for you Sea Goats, the Moon will have made a fast pass at you, kicking some of this indecision into gear. While the prevailing attitude and style of the time suggests that a certain amount of hair spray is no longer useful, and even though it's in the dead of summer, I would hazard a guess that big hair is the way to go this midsummer's eve. Make a statement, a fashion statement.

Aquarius : From being the center of attention (you now you love it) to being an outcast, all within 48 hours, you are certainly still feeling the influence of the benevolent Jupiter which is goosing you like a real hot potato. Cap it all off with Uranus (your ruling planet) and there is all kinds of good things going on. The problem you have is that you are changing at a rapid rate, and the people around you, the lesser signs who are not Water Carriers, they can't keep up with your energy. Please remember us and try to have a little compassion.

Pisces : The problem with Pisces is that the sign, as a whole, is generally associated with Neptune, and that planet is still poking along, retrograde, in Capricorn, the sign of the business suit. So you are still stuck with some less-than-wonderful marketing schemes which are full of promise but still don't look like, in the real world (ugly words to a lovely Pisces), that these plans are going to bare any fruit soon. They will, but just not soon enough.

Week of: June 9-15

"Thou art semsible innothing but blows, and so is an ass."
in Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors (IV.iv.25-6)

Aries : It's time for housecleaning, but you have to work with me on this one, because I'm talking in metaphorical terms here. This housecleaning is an allegory for what you need to be doing. The mental attic of your mind needs some stuff rearranged. You need to crawl into that hot space (must feel like it's a hundred up there) and rearrange the furniture. There are some old files in cardboard box which you need to look at. Sort of like an IRS audit, only different.

Taurus : It's going to be an odd week for the fixed sign of Taurus. That's the easiest way to describe it. It's sort of like fishing in a-fishing in the barrel. Now, if you can land that cast just right (a barrel is a hard target with a fly pole), you can do really well. It's like having a captive audience only you don't know exactly how to reach them. Try using different bait and techniques this week, and watch what sort of good things will happen.

Gemini : Traditional Western Astrology suggests that this is a good week for the sign of the twins. But here at FGS World Headquarters, we've done a long and hard look at more than just one type of astrology and we have discovered that you might encounters some bizarre obstacles despite this being a birthday month for you guys. The silver lining in that old rain cloud right now means that you will get a spotlight position. Just try not to react like the proverbial deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck.

Cancer : This is a cool time for you because there is an unusual conjunction in the astrological heavens,. a tiny dirt ball called Juno is playing fast and loose with Venus. Both of these astrology things are relationship oriented. In fact, this could be the big one. Of course, you've had so many false starts that I won't count on it this time. But I could be wrong, and you could be flying to Vegas for a wedding this week. Just stay away from the games because you romantic fortunes are good but your gambling sense leaves a little to be desired.

Leo : It's just another sunny day in paradise for the sign of the tiger. I mean, the sign of the lion. Oh whatever. Feline feelings are running rampant this week. That would be a good thing for you. In fact, you will feel like finding your buddies, have a party, and wind up on the couch purring because everything is so good right now. Remember, you heard it all here first. This is a good week for parties, friends, and interactions with associates. Be the social cat this week.

Virgo : The trauma that was vested upon you by Mars is now all but completely repaired. That's the good news. Even better, there is brief moment of clarity coming this week, where you feel like you have the foresight and vision to see the whole world, all laid out for you, and you keep waiting for the "the plan" to come together. Now, onto more mundane matters, this plan isn't likely to really come together as fast as you would like it. Sorry to be the harbinger of doom, but still, since you now have had a glimpse of what it looks like, you know that there is a solid future ahead.

Libra : There's a particular sound you make, and prior to this noise is a wrinkling of the nose, and the expression is one of distaste. You take your pretty little Libra features and screw your face up, just long enough to make a comment about the heady aroma of rotten fish. Looks like SOMEONE forgot to clean out last week's catch. So this week, you're stuck with cleaning up the mess from last week's fishing expedition. It's okay, because the world will be all right as soon as you get done scrubbing up after that mess you've been stuck with cleaning.

Scorpio : After getting lots and lots of vehement Scorpio mail and faxes, I've decided to step way out on limb this week -- NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO A SCORPIO, EVER AGAIN. I sure hope my mother appreciates this information. While it may not be factual, it sure does look good and you Scorpio's can now quit sending me faxes about how bad everything is because it's all good. My fax line [512/448-0970] is always open, but I'm thinking about getting a "Scorpio Filter" for it. all you have going against you right now are two little planets [Jupiter and Uranus], and what's life without a challenge or two?

Sagittarius : After years of toil and trouble, lucky archers do land on their feet, there is some good news happening right now. I regret to say, though, that this good news involves elemental changes in your life. Like the old pontoon boat is going to be replaced by a shiny new bass boat with big fins and lots of motors. Therein lies the good news. The problem is that you have become a lot more attached to the old boat than you are willing to admit, and you have to get rid of it before you can get the new boat. Out with the tired and worn, in with the new.

Capricorn : Duck bread: it's that stuff which is too stale to feed to some people, and you save for the ducks. Now, dough bait, that stuff you make by rolling white bread between your fingers and turning it into a doughy substance. Combine the two--duck bread dough bait. That's the hot tip for your summer fishing trips. What's it mean? If it doesn't catch you fish, you can always use a little alliteration to turn into an amusing swear word.

Aquarius : Look, I've got every one else using live bait right now, mostly minnows and worms, so what you should be doing is using artificial bait because it's the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing. In other words, this a great week for luck (like fishing) if you take a completely different course of action.

Pisces : There's a grizzled old veteran who fishes along the banks of Town Lake in beautiful, bucolic downtown Austin. I checked with him about what sort of bait he favors for the hot summer months.

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