Week of: March 31-April 6

"April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot's opening lines from the epic poem, "The Waste Land"

Howdy, Bubba, and welcome to the ASTRONET home of Kramer, Fishing Guide to the Stars. It's spring and before all the Geminis start faxing me lines from Tennyson, I wanted to head things off at the pass with a wee bit of the fertility imagery from "The Waste Land." Happy Spring. May all of your seeds take root.

For a few of you, this is like a really, really big week for you. A relationship thang has finally come to this: he/she vs. you. You've been biding your time, waiting on the best opportunity to strike. Watch out for work interfering with your night-time plans.

Say goodbye to that old, miserable romance and say hello to the hyperactive child of the sky, Mercury. This means that in the next week, you'll feel highly energized, more so than usual. Remember the tee-vee show "Little (Out)House on the Prairie"? Bet you feel like you're living in one of the old reruns, right now. "Shore is pretty, pa." Remember, just like those old tee-vee shows, things always end happily, just like this week, shortcake.

My dear Gemini friend. Friends. Whatever. You have a new romance on the horizon. It's like an instant replay from last summer, all that wonderful romance energy filling you full of "sweetness and light" and the little wedding bell asteroid starting to influence you with her power. It's a good time to consider the big picture before you get Love Tunnel Vision. That's where you can't see anything except what is going on in your own life. Your tall, dark, handsome stranger is about to come knocking on your door.

Ever notice that life is like a cattle pasture? Lots of fertilizer. Life is like that, too, because between the green blades of grass, there are plutonium-like brown cow patties, and you can't seem to walk across the field without getting some on the outside of your boots. Life is like that, isn't it? Can't seem to get to the gate of the pasture without stepping in it.

A Far East philosophy talks about the need to "chop wood, carry water." This metaphor illuminates the possibility of hard labor as a way of freeing the mind. The motto of a favorite Austin restaurant is "that which burns the lips, frees the mind." Either do some kind of mindless manual labor for awhile, or go eat hot Mexican food. One way or another, your mind can soar to new heights.

Ever been to a rodeo or watch one on tee-vee? None looks as painful as bull riding. Imagine this: take an animal that weighs more than a compact car, put a tight rope around his private parts, jolt him with some high-voltage pain, and then set yourself down on his back and see if you can hang on for a mere eight seconds. I can think of many things I would much rather do than try to wrestle a really, really pissed-off bull. His brain is smaller than a pecan, and he weighs more than a ton. This week, you will remember that it's much easier to get on the bull than to get off.

It's not like life has been some sort of cakewalk lately. But, this is your half-birthday time which, unfortunately, means that everywhere you turn, you face certain opposition. Persevere this week and you will earn your just desserts, like chocolate-fudge pecan pie. That's the good news. The problem is your partner: He/she catches the biggest bass ever caught in the lake. C'est la vie.

An unfortunate configuration in the night sky is destined to make you irritable and unresponsive. An irritable Scorpio can be dangerous and may require medical care for anyone in your way. The best way to approach this week is to remember that something has pissed you off and that your best revenge is to do nothing about it. Mutter loudly to yourself, "Someday, my little pretty, I'll get you." Plan nothing of the sort; the threat alone works well.

"Shine on you crazy diamond" is a line from what song? E-mail me an answer, and I'll send you a basic astrology report for free. That line is your line this week because you can shine like it's your chance to wind up in the custom-made Las Vegas Elvis spotlight. Remember to pay homage to the King since you're having such a good week.

If I were to write a nice Sea Goat horoscope, none of the Cappy's out there would believe it. So I'll sling a bit of dirt instead because Cappy's need a bit of trouble and strife to keep harmony in their world. Work is under pressure once again this week. That's the strife. And your partner is not helping things move along, either. That's the trouble. Solution? Work alone or close to being alone. Now that the all-important money question is out of the way, how about a little romance this week? That could be good as wood -- provided that the partner causing problems isn't the same as the romantic partner.

There's a whole lotta shaking going on, and it doesn't calm down until much later. That's the good news. Or the bad news. The long-range plan looks sound. Even better news. But the short-range focus, especially this week, is out of kilter. Not that being out of kilter, or kilts, is anything new for an Aquarius.

Dear sweet, benevolent, kind, ever-suffering Pisces. Just when you thought is was safe to go back in the water, along comes another sequel, and guess what? The water isn't safe anymore. I don't plan this stuff, I just report what the stars mess up for you. Caution, especially around water sports, is advised this week.

Week of: March 24-30

It is the stars,
The stars above us, govern our conditions;

Kent in Shakespeare's version of King Lear (Act IV, scene iii)

Aries : Happy Birthday to all the early Aries! And what a nice birthday it is, too, because the benevolent rays of the planet Venus are shining down on you. Yes, Venus has started her annual trip through your sign, and unless you support Maya Astrology, this is a very good time for you because Venus will conjunct your Sun and bring her sweetness and light into all your relationships. There is also a little lingering effect left over from Mercury, too, so you are able to communicate with ease and grace this week. The single problem stems from Saturn, but that just means get back to work, sort of a dull echo on a bright a week.

Taurus : The unsettling news is merely addressing the relationship issues. I remember when I was a part of a large a community, and we weren't allowed to have girlfriends. What we had instead were "issues," although the word "girlfriend" was synonymous with this. You are face to face with "issues" and in this case, it has to do with some unusual romantic entanglements. You might feel like you've cast your line into the lake of life, but all you caught was massive snarl. A more traditional astrologer might tell you about wedding bells, but I think you just find the snarled mass of fishing lines.

Gemini : Gemini's have never been known for their great depth of character. The better word is "breadth" rather depth. This doesn't imply that you are shallow, just well-versed in a number of different subjects. This week, as spring is in the air, perhaps the best thing to to is stick to the topwater lures and plugs because that's where you will find the best fishing. The big bass haven't gone into the deep water yet, and neither should you.

Cancer : This can start out as a most difficult week. That's the problem. Now, as the week unfolds, there will be few unhappy events at work which can put you in a bad mood. If you are careful, though,m and that means to move with a certain degree of stealth, you might find that these little obstacles are miraculously transformed into situations which can resolve themselves in your favor. The question you face this week, with everyone else doing surface flashing, is: "Am I ready to to start working in the deeper water, even if it's ahead of the season?" The answer is yes.

Leo : My dear Leo friend, it's spring and love is in the air, or so that would be the good news. The problem is that everyone else is feeling a bit peckish these days, and even though you feel all right, the rest of the world is draggling you down. It's not that you don't have problem, it's just that you r attitude has been spectacular lately. Work is cruising along doing just fine, as is the romance stuff. Best bets for this week is to stick really close to the astrological home, and find plenty of of other Leo's for a mutual admiration society.

Virgo : Don't you just hate it when astrologers talk in riddles? How about when the stars send you mixed messages? You've gone thing which is slowing down your pace of work, creating whole mountain ranges out of what had been molehills, and then, there's you social life, which, by certain stellar indications, ought to be blowing, and yet, by other indications, ought to be wilting. Which ever choice you make this week doesn't matter. You will feel like you are making the wrong decision.

Libra : Top water plugs or sinker? Spinners or live bait? You know what? It doesn't matter and you don't care. You will be buoyed along by a fresh wave of optimism and this heady crest of water will wash you ashore in a most flamboyant and productive way. In other words, last week's troubles are now, miraculously, transformed into this week's pleasures. Careful with the dietary intake on Wednesday, and that is the only thing to watch for.

Scorpio : Ever thought about working alone? Being a Scorpio, you probably have. This is one of those weeks where concerted, concentrated effort can have a high yield, but only if you do the bulk of this work alone. And you have to be wiling to look at the bigger picture when it comes to addressing this work thing. In fact, it looks like a special assignment or project that you will be working on, and you need to go it alone.

Sagittarius : The Sun makes a strong aspect, strong and POSITIVE angle to you this week, and that means your subtle little plans (okay, so an Archer doesn't usually do anything subtle) will come sharply into focus and fruition this week. Best bait is to stick to topwater plug and artificial bait this week, too, since the deep water fish aren't biting, at least, not for you. But, I do predict that it will be a good week for your own personal fishing plans, wherever that might take you. Look for an opportunity to reel in some trophey-sized fish.

Capricorn : Ever thought about fishing alone? The problem with fishing alone is that no one will EVER believe the stories you tell about the "one that got away" or just how good that one particular spot in the lake was. The good news is that, if you work alone this week, you will have a long stringer of fish to show for your efforts. Nothing is better at proving them wrong than being able to pull that huge stringer of fish up and laughing at them. When you get back to the marina, make sure that some one gets your picture with all those fish.

Aquarius : It is time for you to start making plans for your summer. As a professional prognosticator, I can tell you that there will some rather unexpected turns in your wheel of Fortune, but which way that wheel turns, that is up to you. In other words, start making some big plans, but don't be upset if the plans don't come though. Personally, I would start looking for a new lake to fish in. You are about due for some new horizons, and that minnow pond on the back forty, it's really not big enough for you any more.

Pisces : Pisces, got to love them, you poor guys are so much maligned at time, and after what you've been through, it's no wonder. The problems you are having this week are really rather minor irritants, and some of this comes so close to after your birthday that you shouldn't be having trouble at all. But you are. Get out the old fish finder, dust of the transducer, and get it operating this week because you could use a good fish finder by the weekend.

Week of: March 3-9

These are stars indeed;
And sometimes falling ones.

The Seond Gentleman from Shakespeare's Henry VIII (act IV, scen i)

Aries : You have a special treat this week, a special emotionally charged, almost new moon playing a close game of catch with great cause of work in your life, Saturn. I would look for an upturn in some events at work, in fact, I would expect Monday morning, a traditional day of morning, to be filled with lots of activity, in fact, much more activity than usual. I don't want to scare you about the amount work involved, but remember that a herd of a thousand cows began with a single bull. That's you this week.

Taurus : There is a strong little relationship thing going on in your personal sky. The problem is that the idea of romance is far more attractive than the actual romance itself. This creates some trouble. In other words, while dating a second cousin might be legal, her/his husband/wife takes sort of a dim view of sharing. That's a problem. Like I said, the idea of the romance looks and feels like it could and should work, it's just the picky little nuts and bolts that usually hold a romance together that are getting all rusted with some planets in water signs.

Gemini : Remember when we discussed anger reduction techniques for Gemini? No? I hope that doesn't make you mad. The best thing to do is run about five or ten miles, but given the shape you're in right now, that might not work. Maybe some basketball? Ever try contact basketball? Might be worth it. You will certainly feel like SOME ONE is making you jump through hoops at work, and I wouldn't buy into that mess. A little bit of solitude would do you well for the weekend. Solitude in Gemini terms means three or fewer people.

Cancer : The problem with young love, or old love as the case may be, is that every once in a while we get to looking at our lover and wondering, "what am I doing here?" You will find that you asking the same questions over and over as you examine your new love. Is that person everything you expected? Are there some problems? does he or she want you to make some fundamental changes in your life? And can you live without having that trophey-sized bass on your living room wall? Think about it, and get back to me.

Leo : This week, dear Leo, we study the bell shaped curve--you start the week with an emotionally charged high point, it degrades into a screaming match and then you go back up the other side of the curve to a high point. This is a good thing. In fact, there will be an extra kick at the end of the week from some sort of business/financial partner which just makes the whole problematic week seem ever so much better. Leo's are always right, so I'm not too worried about your hump day slump. Maybe just call it "slump day."

Virgo : I always like the intro to Henry V: "Now for a Muse of fire...." (Prologue, line 1)... all the little dots mean that thee is a lot going on after those simple words. Mars is doing a number on your sign, now transiting backwards onto YOU. What this means is that your physical health is in jeopardy. Not in a bad way, just words of caution that Virgo's need to be extra careful this week. The other thing to watch out for is added stress in the marketplace. Average daily transactions need a little extra scrutiny--fortunately, this is something you're good at....

Libra : I've been going on and on about Mars for the past few weeks, and the negative effect of the backwards planet on your sign. Now for the good news--Mars goes traipsing into Virgo so it's no longer a concern for you. Watch as car problems mysteriously clear up this week, computers start to run the way they are supposed, and significant others become less grouchy. If only your siblings were similarly effected, life would be just great. If you've overextend yourself physically, now is a time to see the massage therapist for a little relief.

Scorpio : As fate would have it, this week you've got the beginning of another one of those unusual cycles wherein you get a chance to right some past indiscretions. The only reason I would remind you about this is because it would really help you in the future, not the immediate future, but in a few months, if you were to take a hard look at your own history. Remember borrowing that lure and never returning it? It's been in your tackle box for a long time now, and the owner would definitely appreciate the gesture if you were to return it now.

Sagittarius : It's not a good thing to come between a Sag and his or her food, but I would take this week to momentarily suggest that you Archer types out there watch your eating habits this week, especially as the week opens. I don't want to sound like anal, but perhaps there's a little too much fat in your diet, and maybe you should do something about that. Don't worry too much about this because most Archer's are "healthy as a horse."

Capricorn : I have liked being the foreteller of doom, especially for the happy Cappy crowd, but this week looks like it is the the end of the line for the new boat. You will have had just about all the trouble you can take from that new outboard motor, and I'll bet, by the time the weekend gets here, you just drop the old outboard motor overboard, right where it quits, and you wind up using your tolling motor to get you back to shore. Either that, or you might have to row your boat.

Aquarius : It's time a for a little astronomy lesson--Uranus goes around the Sun every 84 years and Jupiter every 12 years, so this is the beginning of a wonderful new growth cycle for you. The only difficulty this week (these two big guys are ganged up on you) is that you can't seem to find a direction. You'll feel a lot like Gemini because you'll wish you could just clone yourself, and send some of the clones off to do all the things you want to do. Modern Science isn't that modern yet, so you'll have to wait. Better yet, just pick one direction and watch yourself really go.

Pisces : What an exciting week to be having a birthday, what with all the nice stuff lined up for you--Venus and Mercury all cozy in there, next to that beneficial Pisces Sun. What's it mean? The next year bodes well for Pisces Birthday boy and girls because the stars say that romance and an ability to talk about that romance are both set for the next year. The tone for the next year should be "talk show romance."

Week of: February 24 -March 2

"Whose phrase of sorrow
Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand
Like wonder-wounded hearers?"

Hamlet hisself in Shakespeare's Hamlet (act V, scene i)

Aries : Look here, dear Aries, I've been warning you about confrontations, raging ego, your-will versus the universe sort of thing, now, it comes to triumphant victory this week or it all comes crashing down around your ears. What will it be? How carefully did you prepare for this week's examination? The other influence this week is heady sense of destiny, and I';m glad your an Aries because I don't have to remind you to keep your feet on the ground even though you've got all these high fallutin' ideas kickin' around in your head.

Taurus : Does the word "eviscerate" mean anything to you? Or, better yet, does it describe what your feeling this week? It could. Just remember that you are not really going to be stuffed and mounted on on the wall like a trophy fish, or have your head cut off, like a prize buck. You may feel like this this week, though. If you can just get out of the way, and don't take any obvious bait, you'll be okay.

Gemini : Have talked about your exercise regimen yet? I don't want to sound like a nag, but this is a good time to consider getting a new fitness program working. It will help you reel in the big fish which are certainly coming your way. In fact, you have the ability to land a few trophy catches coming up so the best thing to do is get into shape. While other astrologers might recommend Yoga or Tai-Chi, I would suggest pumping iron. Join the fitness center, maybe a gym.

Cancer : You have a great mind. Too often, though, you ignore this great mind and lose track of the obvious. I would suggest that this is a good week to cut to the heart of the matter, look at some work-related situations and DEAL with it. This much easier said than done, though, and therein is your challenge for the week. You do realize that your work is a big issue for you this week, and you need to employ every bit of your brain power to get you through.

Leo : There are some good vitamins to take when you are stressed and feeling run down. I don't even think that run down is the correct choice of words. Bet you feel like you've been run over this week. Sorry about that impression. Now, start eating the right food, maybe include a little less carcinogenic beef in your diet, try to work in some vegetables and greens, and you'll be feeling much better. And fish--it's a brain food, try some of that too. Consider this: Sushi, it's not just a bait.

Virgo : I get mail from lots and lots of people. But I never get any mail from Virgo's. I wonder why this is? Is it because I pick on you guys for being too neat and clean, for being too Virgo like with all your refined qualities? Is it because you can be so difficult to get along with? Did you not like the last round of transits? Or, have you fallen madly, passionately in love with a "tall dark stranger" this week? Didn't I warn you about the stranger types, some of whom are stranger than most?

Libra : Time to consider where you are in life, what is going on, and where you want to be, say, five years from now. Look at it like a five year plan,. which, of course, goes against everything that is near and dear to our political heart in America where we all work on the four year plan. So this is the case, you are feeling a bit put out, almost as if the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders. The good news is that, with your normal Libra calmness and maturity, you can see the other side. And you know, in your heart, that the events will change and stem the tide of apparent problems. Perhaps it won't be this week, but there is hope.

Scorpio : I am often accused of picking on Scorpio. Even my own mother makes this statements. Nothing could be further from the truth, either, just because Scorpio's are always mean and vindicative, doesn't mean that I pick on you guys, that would be inviting disaster. Besides, as the week unfolds, you Scorpio's have a chance to be a little more open, a little less reticent, and you make such nice partners this week, it makes me feel absolutely grieved that I ever said a bad word about this sign. So you're having a good week. Live bait works best this week.

Sagittarius : The dark side of you is clawing to get out, just a like an action figure in a bad horror film. This character, an integral component of your soul, is desperately seek some outlet. The best thing to do is head out in the country, take some old tin cans, and set up a target range some place far away from civilization. A little target practice, blasting a few things with a high-powered deer rifle, maybe running a few rounds through the pistol you keep in the glove box of the truck, anything that is moderately violent brings a deep sense of satisfaction. Now you can go back to being your happy, helpful self.

Capricorn : Romance is in your air. Call up your old high school sweetheart and ask her/him out. I know you're married now, and so is she/he. Doesn't matter. Just run on around to the coffee shop and have a cup of joe. Catch up on old times. Say things like, "We ought to get together again sometime," and then, when it's over, never call back. You will have done your bit. Besides, old high school flames look more like charcoal these days.

Aquarius : I've been struggling a lot with Aquarius for this week. First off, you guys make it a point to be unpredictable. Then, with all the planets, big and small, lined up in Aquarius, you are REALLY unpredictable this week. Whatever this new course of action is, the one you've been thinking about but haven't told anyone about yet, whatever your goal is, then just go for it. It will work out okay. You might feel like one of those e little rubber boats you see out at the lake, you know the type of boat which really doesn't have too much of a direction. Your sense of focus returns, and that little boat develops a rudder.

Pisces : It may not actually be spring time, but it feels like it here in the sign of the fishes. It feels like it's spring and that love is in the air (who said that?). I would encourage as many romantic interludes as humanly possible. That means every where, and with everyone, and take all offers because there is a lot going on--much of it can be good, too.

Week of: February 17-23

What! we have seen the seven stars.

Pistol in Shakespeare's King Henry the IV, part the Second (act II, scene iv)

Them old seven stars, ever wonder which seven it was?

Aries : Look, in the old days, when magic filed the air, Saturn was considered a BAD planet. Not like, "bad" bad, I mean, it was considered a generally evil influence. Here at FGS world Headquarters, though,we have been able to scientifically determine that there are benign influences emanating from Saturn. Especially this week because Saturn makes a really nice little Astrological angle to Jupiter, the Lucky Star. That means you could win the lottery this week. I found that doubtful, but if you do, I'm only asking for 1% because I'm not greedy.

Taurus : That prime little wedding indicator is all over you right now. That's the good news. The problem is that this is a time when you will feel yourself strongly attracted to some one who is probably not too good for you. Problem, eh? You will find that this is the time when you will be tempted to throw all caution to the wind, and run off to Vegas to get hitched to some down its luck person who you have fallen hopelessly in love with. Aren't you tired of this "just needs a little work" type of people?

Gemini : If things get much weirder for Gemini this month, I don't know what I'm going to do. Feel like just about ever loose nut and bolt has shaken loose, and all of this debris is falling down on your head? If you weren't such an adaptable sign, then this would be a problem, but you can adapt to just about anything. Which you will this week. Remember that change is a good thing for you. Shake it up some.

Cancer : What a marvelous week you're going to have. If you didn't win a fishing contest last week, then you are bound to win SOMETHING this week. Long overdue, too. I hope you are feeling much better about things these days. Speaking of winning a prize or a contest, did you get the results back from the doctor? I sure hope that wasn't what you were going to win....

Leo : My dear Leo friend. My dear sweet, wonderful, noble and ever great Leo friend. My ever faithful, always the very best at everything dear Leo friend. What's with me trying to be so nice? There's a little bit of an ego problem this week. Not that you aren't the absolute greatest at whatever endeavors you take a whack at, it's just that this is one week where it really is best to sort of rest on your laurels for a bit.

Virgo : The good news is that there is no bad stuff happening in Virgo this week. The only mess you will have to attend to is a an emotional one, and it really isn't going to be that big of a deal. I would watch out for the "tall, dark, handsome stranger" routine, though, because there is certainly one of those kind of people lurking on your horizons. The only conundrum I face now, is whether to say "avoid the strange one" or "go for it." I mean, if I tell you to avoid the strange ones, then I might never get another date with a Virgo again.

Libra : I was just talking to one of my martial arts buddies, and he said since he got his black belt, he's never been in a fight. With Mars doing a dance on your head, and with Saturn making it that much worse, I would avoid fights, or scenarios which lead to fights. Watch the confrontations. Period. Of course, my black belted friend also said he now knows how to handle situations when they arise. I would strongly urge your Libra diplomacy to the front this week.

Scorpio : Out with the old and in with the new is a great idea. In fact, in your case, my dear Scorpio friend, it's a great idea this week. You might imitate the actions of a Virgo this week and do a little housecleaning, either for real or in more metaphorical sense. That means look around and see what can be straightened up, maybe toss a lot of old files from the hard disk, clean out the web browser's cache, that sort of thing.

Sagittarius : Oh my dear Sag! Oh my dear! Oh my! Oh! It's a reductive sort of an analogy but it seems to work. And work is the big issue here. Changing jobs? Changing income? worried about the boss? Don't fret. While that's easy for a self-employed astrologer to say,. you might have some income-related panic this week. The good news is that there is a whole fistful of dollars headed your way, just be a little more than careful about what you say, and to whom you say it.

Capricorn :
The week meekly rolls in, like a new kitten without its eyes open. But, like the miracle of life itself, the little kitten of the week gets its eyes opened, right before the weekend. I would sit back and enjoy the ride this week, and learn to take some of the unusual activity at work in stride. While I've said it before, and it's a terribly cliched expression, look before you leap this week. Remember, the eyes don't open until right before the weekend.

Aquarius : I don't know that there is a lot I can tell you about this week, I mean you've got SO many planets yanking your chain, and pushing and pulling, you are just full of energy. Just about everything is going good. Well, except for rather major changes in influences which will effect your earned income.... and I wouldn't worry too much about the influences, either. But then, I'm not an Aquarius.

Pisces : Looks like you have a day of reckoning coming. Or, I could try to make a joke about it, and say something like reckon you got some reckoning coming your way. In any case. I would suggest that work on the boat this week. Looks like the old weekend escape vehicle needs some attention.

Week of: February 10-16

"But, O malignant and ill-boding stars!"

Talbot in Shakespeare's "King Henry the Sixth, part uno" (Avt IV, scene v)

Thing of the week: Retrograde Mars trines Jupiter, Uranus.

Aries : You're looking at what some astrologers call a "kite," and my message to you, at this time, is not to kite any checks. You might be sorely tempted into a plan which really resembles a scheme or a scam, but I would exercise a lot of caution this coming week, especially with financial questions and even more importantly, where big money is concerned. What's big money to you? Depends. Around FGS World Headquarters, "big money" is the price of a burger, shake and large fries.

Taurus : Maybe it was wedding proposals last week, but it's divorce court this week, and the arguments are hot and heavy: who gets the (trailer) house, and who gets the matched linen set carefully lifted from the motel during the honeymoon? And this is such a sudden decision to head towards splitsville, too. I would chill out because the energy that's driving you two apart right now will be driving you two back together in a little while, just not this week.

Gemini : The bad news is that your car will break down this week. Okay, so maybe not your car, perhaps that outboard motor on the boat will finally sing its last song. Maybe the refrigerator will lose its cool. Who knows? Bet you got something like this which really disturbs your inner peace this week. That could be a problem, I also thing that you are in position right now where your inner peace is so strong that even a relatively major disaster won't upset you too much. So there!

Cancer : There are three main influences in your poor Cancerian life this week: 1] you are trying to think and analyze too much (leave that for the Virgo's), 2] some scam artist is coming along with a great deal which really isn't too great, and 3] your emotions run flamingly amuck at the end of the week. In fact, you stay pretty much on edge throughout the whole week. It's like being caught with a fishing partner who has every conceivable bad habit, little things that he or she does which just drive you absolutely around the bend. Like popping gum, or chewing tobacco. Or chewing gum and spitting tobacco at the same time.

Leo : This is the the time when you are going to feel like shaking the "ties that bind" loose. In fact, you've got certain dormant energies which need to be released. Go for it. This is the time to let go and move on. The best example of this would be the trailer house that your living in. Certainly a definition of happiness is double-wide, and I'll bet now, more than ever, you are looking for that new double-wide. Choose carefully! Any real estate person will tell you that location is everything, and with Mars in retrograde, you might not want to move right now.

Virgo : The deal is that you are ready for a change. The problem is that you ain't found the balance point you are looking for. It's like this: you want to use some new bait, experiment with some topwater plugs, maybe get out of the habit of using the plastic worms. The problem? The old ways DO work right now, and the old bait seems to be reeling them as fast as you can toss your line out. I'd be extra carefully about drastic changes right now. Of course, like a typical Virgo, you always are extra careful.

Libra : The Mars Retrograde is going to be effecting you for quite some time.. That's the bad news. In fact, I would expect some mechanical failures around you at a time like this. That's the downside. the good news is that that all the unusual energy kicking around in other air signs right should make the these changes a lot more palatable for you. And taste can mean a lot to a Libra. Remember: do it in a fine style, if nothing else.

Scorpio : Poor, downtrodden Scorpio. Some of you guys think that I persecute this sign for no reason whatsoever. It's just not true! I'm merely trying to warn you about some of the changes that are coming up. And with one of your rulers doing a nearby backspin, you find that the best laid plans all seem to fall apart. As does the trolling motor. Best bet: double check the electric battery before going to the lake for the weekend. And if you like Ice Fishing, then really be careful about the cold weather.

Sagittarius : Ever thought about changing your career? I mean, in a big way. Forsake the coat and tie and get into a position that you would really like, something along the lines of wilderness guide? Or, better yet, guiding fishing trips in the Gulf? More than ever, these longings are going to be tugging at your soul. The problem is it ain't a good time to launch just such an endeavor, not quite yet. But, start laying the groundwork, because your day is coming so.

Capricorn : Make more money. While everyone else is really under this great impetus to change, you don't need to worry about a thing. Right now, you feel like you are in control of the work scene. It's about time, too. I would just warn you about watching your driving because you will have a tendency to dream about money scams when you should be paying attention to some matters a little closer at hand. Like the cars in front of you.

Aquarius : It doesn't happen too often: Uranus and Jupiter doing the "in your face" tango. And this little cosmic dance brings a lot of good energy to you. That's the good news. Now, please be careful because you are real likely to get a stray hook in your flesh right now. Be careful handling pointed objects.

Pisces : Everybody else is having on tough week. In fact, you ill feel like the rest of the signs have all gone a little nuts. It's not just you, and, in fact, you are right: they have all gone insane. The question is: what are you going to do about it? I would advise you to take your time, plan carefully, and then be ready to revise your plans before moving ahead. In fact, it's time for a little "recon" mission. Get out the "fish finder" and use it on the boat--it will improve your already good luck.

Week of: February 3 - 9

"Adieu; be happy!"

    Caesar in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra (Act III, scene ii)

Aspect of the week: Mars, retrograde in Libra, opposite, nasty old Saturn in Aries. Fire and air, it's a hot combination. Saturn and Mars, it's like a flat tire on the way to work. In rush hour traffic, no less.

Aries : Tough week for you tough guys. The deal is this: negative energy doesn't affect you like it does other folks. While the other signs are reeling, whining and deeply complaining about the current state of affairs, you are just marching along like a good soldier. Once again, it's back to that magic word: work. Concentrate on it. Do it to the exclusion of all other things in life. Make it your driving goal... and speaking of driving, watch that this week. No need for senseless roadside entertainment provided by you and your insurance company.

Taurus : It's really too bad that more Taurus folks don't like me. I would be warning this week about wedding proposals because there seems to be a lot of them this week. Or maybe it's just one proposal, but it's the one you really want to think about. In any case, this wedding stuff might be a little metaphorical, but romance figures very high this week. The problem is that your normally exquisite fine taste is hampered and your judgment may be a little off--be overly cautious about mate selection this week, even second cousins ain't that good of an idea.

Gemini : You're in the middle of a weird week. Try it like this: starts out ugly, gets good, then turns to mud again. Just be aware that you've got this interesting little cycle this week. And, being a Gemini, it doesn't matter too much because you can always do something about it -- change. This is one of those weeks when it helps to be as adaptable as you already are.

Cancer : This is a most unusual time for you. In fact, if I were to predict that you were going to inherit any money, this would be the the time for that too happen. Of course, there are certain fatal flaws with inheriting money, and I don't see that happening. maybe it's just a good week to play the lottery. Since you haven't had any lotto luck in while, maybe you could just walk into the convenience store and throw some money on the ground.

Leo : The big doings in the other fire signs mean that there is nothing but wide open spaces for you. Expand the business, get a new boat, go for the second mortgage on the trailer house, do whatever it is that you want to do. Now is the time. Problems? There aren't any! Leo, you guys have it made in the shade this week! Well, there is one, little hitch: the boss is not going to be responding properly, but hey, that's his or hers fault, not yours.

Virgo : If I were you, I would get ready for the "Mars backing into your sign" thing which is fast approaching. Mars is sometimes the Roman God of War, and sometimes, it just rules cars. In either case, though, you are going to feel like someone is backing an 18-Wheeler across your feet. I wouldn't be too concerned: You really didn't need those toes anyway. On other fronts, there is an unusual amount of mental energy to go with this lack of physical energy. Do something useful, take a nap.

Libra : Mars has been holding forth in your sign for a while now, and his apparent motion is officially retrograde as of this week. Deal with it. Cars will conk out for no known reason, social interaction will develop lots of problems. Your family might feel like they are all turning on you. It's an ugly sight. The best thing to do is nothing. Now, I can't recommend that you crawl under the bed for a week or two, but, you know, that's not such a bad idea these days.

Scorpio : You've listened while I've told you about retrogrades. The main question is: did you pay attention? Mars goes into reverse this week. While that's no big deal to most signs, this will effect you, and the little red planet pulls its turn around trick while making some strong energy with Pluto. Look: Mars and Pluto are your rulers, or, they rule Scorpio because no one rules a Scorpio person. This planetary action will have a two-fold effect on you: Fish or Cut Bait. Just do one. No action doesn't cut the mustard.

Sagittarius : Let's talk about duty and honor and glory, and the fact that the South will rise again, Texas will secede from the the rest of the states, and you're going to get that new job which means nothing but an end to this long, dry spell you've just had. Maybe it doesn't mean an end to the drought in a literal sense, but it does look like you've got a number of openings which are coming your way this week. The bad news about all this? These are JOB openings. Work. That evil word. Look at it this way: you could use the money.

Capricorn : You're moving from a certain kind of frenetic energy to a more relaxed version of deeper, more profound insight as Mercury leaves your sign this week. That's good news, too, because your focus has been a little out of whack. There is a degree of clarity which will be coming in this week, something which you've needed for a while. In other words, you can actually see what the problem is, and you can fix it. This week.

Aquarius : One of the problems with my little "Fish O Rama Astrology" computer screen is a that I can't fit everything that is happening to my good buddy Aquarius on to the screen. There's the Sun, Uranus, Jupiter, and a veritable plethora of smaller orbit objects which would include Venus and the Moon. Major big deal this week. You will find that your fashion statement this week will be a direct indication of what is going on inside you. And you will be flipping your baseball hat around, front to back, so many times that you are really unsure about what is happening. Shooting fish in a barrel has never been more fun!

Pisces : Ya'll need to quit your whining these days. With the stars stacked up like they are, things just couldn't get a whole lot better. You are poised on the edge of a great abyss, the voice of Kirk is ringing in your head: "To boldly go where no man has gone before." It's adventure time for Pisces, and you are going to enjoy a cult like status just like a cheesy TV show left over from the late 60's -- complete with tacky special effects.

Week of: January 27- Feb. 2

Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;
And yet methinks I have astronomy,
But not to tell of good or evil luck,
Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality;

Shakespeare's Sonnet XIV

Mars and Saturn are doing a head to head rematch which is going to make the Heavens look really exciting. And Poor Libra's have finally found some relief, but now Scorpio is under pressure to perform. Curious? Read on....

Aries [3/23-4/20]: We got trouble this week, right here in River City (that starts with T, that rhymes with P, that stands for "Pool"!) Saturn is in your sign bringing in all kinds of work related material, and for this week only, Mars, the God of War (and Cars), is opposite Saturn. Two planets, head to head, toe to toe, calling each other names. Saying things about each others Mama, familial lineage, and just general unease. Now, it doesn't have to be bad, if you are cautious. Very cautious. Don't leave the house. No power tools except for an electric can opener. Nothing sharp, and that includes you tongue because that thing seems to get you into the most trouble of all.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: I know that Taurus thinks of itself as the sign of the Bull, but let's pretend, just for a moment, that you're a cow instead. You are face to face with a choice: open gate or bale of hay. Which would you take? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the bale of hay is the safer, better, more correct route. And with you facing just such a choice this week, I would stick to my earlier prognostication: the bale of hay. You don't want to know what's beyond that open gate, now do you?

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Tough week for the Twins. Just when you thought everything was going to get better, you run into a little trouble. I would watch out for too much exercise right now, and remember the stretch them muscles BEFORE you hit the gym or track. The other thing to watch for, but fortunately, it's just this week, is a thing called a "stress related disorder" and that means you've been thinking too much. We all got problems, and sometimes thinking helps, but it looks like you've been obsessive about it lately. Lighten up.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: You are coming up on a period of time when you will find that you work best alone. In other words, load up the boat, stop off for a weekend's supply of groceries, and get out of here. You don't need any distractions, and you will find that interactions with co-workers leave something to be desired. In fact, try to work alone at this time because that will make the most productive. Better yet, take the next two years off from work.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: I realize that you are probably going to think that I'm nagging you just like your mother, but if I could convince you to spend just a little time at home, straightening things up, maybe doing a little bit of cleaning of some kind, I would also promise that there will be many benefits in the near future. Work should continue to go well, and let you reel in whatever deals you've got cooking right now. That's a positive note, too.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Last week it was Elmer Fudd. Who will it be this week? Realize that you are more like the Roadrunner this week, a lot more like the winner than Wiley Coyote this week. HE always gets flattened by he ACME products. After the last few weeks, you probably feel like him, but I promise, and you can trust me, that the figure you are a like this week, with all its luck, is that darned roadrunner.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: More than anything else, you should feel a little relief. That's the good news. Now for some interesting updates about mars: it;s like fishing with dynamite--very hazardous yet also very good for a high yield. The problems are that it could all blow up in your face. Literally and figuratively. The good news is that it might not, as long as you exercise caution. Still, you must remember that this is a time when the game warden might frown on your activities, so please be careful.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: If you are a November Scorpio, then you will have a good week, maybe even a great week, maybe even a superlative week. But if you are a Halloween baby or earlier, then there is a curious thing stirring up in your soul, a form of panache combined plus a sense of destiny which means this could be a week to reel in the single biggest fish on the lake. Be careful, though,you might get pulled back into the water while you're fightin' that sucker....

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Right on the heels of a good time, OK so last week wasn't such a good time, but right on the heels of last week comes something deep and dark and mysterious floating to the top of your consciousness. That's a fine way to say it, but what does it mean? It's like using a bottom lure and hooking a bottom feeder, and then opening up that catfish and discovering auto parts in its belly. How did they get there? And that lump of black stuff, scrape the slime off of it, it might be a nugget of gold.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: After what you've been through the last few weeks, I wonder if you ever want to read my stuff again. I didn't warn you? Is that your complaint? All I could do was tell you to expect the unexpected, and you Cappy's have an affinity fer not listening when I DO warn you. Enough of your whining, you sound like my fishing partner. You should start to reel in a lot of cash, beginning this week. In fact, it should be easier than shooting fish in a barrel.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: At the beginning of the week, you approach what can be a very difficult period of time if you channel Mayan folks, or have past lives that deal with that sort of thing. The good news is that in Western Astrology, and sometimes here at FGS World Headquarters, we have determined that this isn't such a bad time for you. In fact, there are a number of truly wonderful opportunities looming on your horizon. Your biggest problem this week? Deciding what affords you the best chances. If I were an Aquarius, I would go for the long shot and Door Number Three.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: I don't think you're going to like Monday morning. There is the usual conflagration with the boss, supervisor, parent, insignificant other, ex wife, that sort of personality, and this confrontation can escalate into a full fledged shooting match if you don't back down. While a good tussle on Monday is a nice way to start the week for some signs, it doesn't look like it bodes well for you. There is another approach: grovel. Trust me on this one: a groveling Pisces is not a pretty sight, and it will render the opposition useless.

Week of: January 20-26

....that our stars,
Unreconciliable, should divide
Our equalness to this.

Caesar in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra (Act V, scene i)

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Relationship stuff, oh yeah, I was going to say something about that last week, but I was concerned with you not getting enough rest. The little dirt clod of love is in your sign, and it is making you really think about romance. Look: it's not even spring yet, so lay off the romance already. Despite your amorous feelings, this isn't a good week for romance. In fact, it's probably not a good month for romance, but that doesn't stop you from feeling like fate has thrust some one on you. What is it that Malvolio says about that?

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: My good Taurus friend, this is one of those weeks that can be tremendously good to you, if you only play your cards right. And like the old song goes, you've got know when to hold up, know when to fold up, know when t to walk away, know when to run.... I don't really think that you are going to be getting any unscheduled exercise, but I would definitely be careful about long dark alleys where your "friends" keep leading you. Is this the adventure you wanted, or was Kramer, FGS, just warning you about a potential hazard?

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: If I could ever make a Gemini actually listen to a word I say, then I would be in much better shape. So would they. The deal is this, dear Gemini friends, the Sun is in Aquarius, and before you start thinking about some song left over from the 60's, just consider that this is a beneficial time for you, if you make use of this good energy. In other words, it's like you just drank a pot of coffee at a truck stop, and it's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, it's dark, and what's the next line? My FGS recommendation is to get off your butt because you will particularly lazy this week.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Don't you just hate Astrologers who talk in riddles? But with the weird weather we're having, I have another one for you: No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place. Now then, my dear Cancer friend, what does THAT mean? You're personal weather forecast is chilly, with frostbite around the edges for this week. It's not that you don't have the heat, it's just that the outside weather is mirror reflection of your inner landscape. Cold and bitter, like good coffee.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: It's the half birthday time for you. The problem with such a celebration is that you are at a turning point in your personal astrological year. Time to discard them things that don't seem to work. In particular, there are certain things that you deal with daily, like fishing motors, old rubber boots which are leaky, that sort of thing which all needs to be either repaired or TOSSED. Get the message? If it don't work, replace that sucker. sometimes, you guys can be so stubborn for a Fire sign, I swear.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: You thought you would get some great words of wisdom right now, didn't you? How about Elmer Fudd's famous lines, "Ssshh, be bewy, bewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits. Hahaha." That fits a little bit better than any highbrow literary stuff because you need to temper your temper, that is, make an effort to control your outlandish displays of satisfaction and dissatisfaction this week. You might wind up looking like a frustrated Elmer Fudd with your rival looking like a cool and calm bunny munching on a carrot. Imitate the actions of the bunny. "What's up doc?"

Libra [9/24-10/23]: You feel like you're out on point this week. In fact, you feel like you are walking, talking (living, breathing) target this week for everyone. You will find that you also wind up in a spotlight, too, but not like one on stage, no it's more like a hot day in West Texas with nary a rain cloud or coppice of mesquite for any respite. The deal is there is a war within yourself about being assertive, it's just figuring out what you have to assert that is dangerous. Your mind can be bad neighborhood late at night, sort of like my neighborhood in South Austin--not the place you want to go alone or unarmed.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You are caught on the very edge of a good, good week. By the time the weekend gets here, you are in fine shape to be leader again. And, like most Scorpio's, you like it when everyone pays attention to you and does JUST EXACTLY what you tell them to do. Folks around you will be just begging to make things right with you. Don't push your luck too far, though, as this is quick week for good things to happen. And watch your temper in traffic--it's not their fault that the other drivers are so ill-mannered.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Sagittarius is not normally associated with great mood swings. Usually, life is nothing but up and up. But there is a sort of flavor to your week, sort of like Vietnamese food gone bad in your stomach which can leave a sour taste in your mouth. Actually, it's the metallic tang of fear, not to be confused with a breakfast drink. Fishing this weekend is good. Very, very good. But plan on some time alone, too, because you are going to need it. No making up stories this week, either, about "the one that got away." If you don't have any big fish, don't spin any yarns about big fish. Adjust the stories to scale.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: I used to have a boat with a really cool looking outboard motor, a little job with fins which looked quite deco. The problem that motor had was the oil/fuel mixture. I forgot to add oil one day and burned up the main bearing. It died with an awful roar. With all you have cooking right now, your plate looks real full. Make sure that you don't burn your own main bearing right now. Or let the food get over-cooked.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Let's all give a warm round of applause to the grandest star in the sky, Jupiter, as it makes an entrance into Aquarius this week. In case you've forgotten, Jupiter is considered by many astrologer, myself included, to be the lucky star. And it's here for an extended visit. And, just make things even more fun, Jupiter and Uranus will be playing cosmic game of hide and seek with you in little while. But now a words from our sponsors, because, despite all the good news, you still have to pay the bills this week.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: There's a weak, but beneficial influence exerted on you by the heavens this week. This might be a little offset by by some emotional stuff which is carried over from last year, sort of like an ex who won't go away, and won't leave you alone. My recommendation is to get caller ID. I just wish I got commission from the phone company for making a nice suggestion like that. Remember: as long as you are nice this week, then good things will fall your way. Make a lap, and good things fall into it.

Week of: January 13-20, 1997

Be opposite all planets of good luck
To my proceeding if, with dear hearts' love,
Immaculate devotion, holy thoughts,
I tender not thy beauteous princely daughter!

[always like Richard the Third on a day like this]

Richard the King in Shakespeare's Richard the Third {Act IV, scene iv}

Monday the 13th! Oh no.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: I knew an Aries who once went without food or sleep for three days. That Aries said it was to improve the thought process. The result of the experiment was that the Aries discovered that they are not about thinking, but about doing. While this has been a troublesome week for you, and it looks like it doesn't get any better, I wouldn't advise you going without food or sleep--it doesn't work, as empirical observation on that critter called Aries has proven. Next week: we'll talk about the relationship stuff.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: While everyone else is worrying about minor details of life, you are able to step back and take grand look at the whole picture. it's as if you can see a whole fishing season, all at once, before anything ever happens. you will note that you are set to catch some record size fish in June. The boat's motor will have to be replaced by August. Your mate will get irritated at you putting fishing first in April. Yes, you can see all this right now, this week. The problem is, can you do anything with all this wonderful insight?

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Concentrate on business for the first part of the week. I mean, concentrate on work as much as you can when your old ruler dude planet is doing its patented tailspin. Then, as the week progresses, you will find that your attention span needs to drift towards more homey things, like sprucing up around the old ranch homestead trailer house thing. It's like this: go to work on Monday, and then come home and spend the rest of the week at home amusing yourself and whoever happens to stop because a Gemini is 1] never alone and 2] always entertaining.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Suppose an artist shows up at your front door, what do you do? Buy them some pizza. This is a Zen riddle for modern times which makes more sense to Cancers this week. Approach the week like a Zen master and try to enjoy the sound of one hand clapping. Or buying pizza for an artist. Or, mediate on the bearings in an outboard motor which desperately needs a little oil. That's whine you are a lot more familiar with. The machinery in your life needs some attention, and fast, too.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Also: I'm not doctor, and I don't play one on TV, but you need to do something about that persistent cough. If you don't do something now, it could turn into a nasty cold. Listen to me, I'm nagging you like I was your mother or something. That's terrible. Anyway, once the cold goes away, which it will, you should have a fine week. I recommend hot tea and plenty of vitamins.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Now that the little evil one is securely in a dirt sign, you ought to be feeling the effects of this miserable time. Mercury ain't retrograde yet, but you can feel it already. So much for the bad news. Now it gets worse: there is a little observed phenomena about to enter into your sign: the North Node, and this brings work. Lots of busy work. While this might be troublesome for an average sign, you will enjoy being busy again. Look forward to an increase in activity. You did check the suggested reading list didn't you?

Libra [9/24-10/23]: The problem we have this week is that the good nature of an average Libra is being sorely put upon by the ill-mannered other signs. In fact, the other guys are doing their very best to upset you, and you are letting them get away with it right now. In fact, you keep letting them get away with it right now. You will find that your boiling point is rapidly approaching critical mass. My suggestion is to get some good crawdads and have a party. You probably won't, but it was certainly worth a try to diffuse some of that angst.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Here in fashionable Austin, Texas, home of FGS World Headquarters, we have been able to determine that Scorpio is not the meanest sign in the zodiac. In fact, this is a popular misconception shared by many astrologers. No, Scorpio's are merely intense, and that's the source of this agony. In fact, most Scorpio's are so intense that they feel like the rest of the world is pretty shallow. What's this got to do with this week? Your Scorpio stare will find itself gazing up to someone this week, a guru. Or fishing guide. Or similar personage. Go ahead, you might learn something.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Here at FGS World Headquarters, we have been able to determine that this is the exact week that you should embark on your new advanced scientific search for life on other planets. Maybe other worlds. In other words, this is a good week to get out the model rocket kit, fashion up a new toy or two, and blast away with the best of the rocket scientists. You are heading for a major break-through if you don't have a major break-down.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: The sun is about to leave lovely Capricorn this week, and it does so with a big bang, hitting a couple of major planets on its way out. How will this affect you? I'm so glad you asked--I've whined and cajoled you about money plans, I've warned and whipped you with ideas, and now is the time for all the good stuff to happen. It's sort of like sitting in bass boat at 4:00 AM on Saturday morning with the spray hitting you in the face as you cruise along at a high rate of speed. You are finally getting some where.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Say "hello" to the beginning of a rather disconcerting week for Aquarius. I mean, it's like you've got all sorts of stuff bubbling up from the bottom of your own personal lake, and you can't make any sense out of it. You keep trying to impose order on something that refuses to have order imposed on it. Forget it all this week--the only true yield comes from your subconscious and you are unable to deal with that. Your fishing buddies might look askance and edge away from you if you were to pull out a Tarot deck to plot a place to fish for the weekend. Then again, they are used to your weird antics.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: here at FGS World Headquarters, through years of painstaking scientific research and close personal observation, not to mention empirical observations garnered from the many road trips, let me warn you about the upcoming week: nothing untoward is going to happen to you. You'll want to play a lot this week, and when the weekend gets here, you'll want to lay about the house like some old couch potato. Just try to limit your intake of cheese fries because those can have an adverse affect on your waistline.

Week of: January 6 - 12

That wishing well had not a body in't,
Which might be felt; that we, the poorer born,
Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes,
Might with effects of them follow our friends,
And show what we alone must think, which never
Returns us thanks.

Helena from Shakespeare's All Well That Ends Well (Act I, scene i)

Poor old Helena, carping about being poorer born. What do the stars say?

Aries [3/23-4/20]: That's getting the new year off to a bang, now isn't it? As the party season winds down, and as Mercury winds up, you are "in your face" confronted with a certain lack of communication with other folks in your life that you find important. Like fishing buddies who refuse to wake up in time to catch best predawn time to fish. Just as a consolation, ever try night fishing? A good lantern, a warm jacket, some bait, and little time? Might be just the trick to get you out of your rut.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: The problem you face this week has a simple solution: shut up. As with all Mercury Retrograde times, communication seems to have fallen on hard times and deaf ears. Mostly the deaf ear thing. There's a county in West Texas called Deaf Smith, and that sure fits the way you are getting treated this week. Since you now know that this is a minor planetary influence, don't sweat it. Those folks in West Texas don't sweat it, so you shouldn't.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The good news is that you are, indeed, a flighty Gemini and, as such, to wit, per se, this is a good enough time for you despite the obvious problem with your little ruler, the speedy (Mercury) one doing his back sliding trick. Mercury really isn't that much of a slacker, and neither are you. In fact, this isn't going to be the usual miserable time associated with Retrograde status because Mars is halfway (actually one third) across sky lending you all sort of new and fresh energy. You have the zip and pep of new outboard motor, now just pick one direction and you'll fell a lot better.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: The new year just hasn't been too kind to you, now has it? It just keeps going from bad to worse, doesn't it? No matter what you do, there seems like there is this terrible opposition to your almighty schemes top get out of the rut your in. Heed my advice, oh great mighty Cancer: chill out. It's really too cold in most parts of the civilized world to be getting out and attempting to get ahead in the world right now, so just cool it. Chill. Take a breather. Catch five. Or hang ten: go to the coast, get a wet suit, and try surfing.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: All that romance which has been buzzing around like a persistent fly seems to dry up this week. I would recommend that you turn your attention to certain domestic chores like house repair and maintenance. In other words, get the tires on the trailer checked for air pressure because it looks like the universe is fixing to send you on a little trip soon enough, and you'll want to be able to move fast. Just not this week, but soon enough. Have you found that you have a nagging sore throat thing this week?

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Look at me Virgo: there. Now that I have your attention, let me know what it is that is bothering you so. Better yet, let me tell you what is bothering you: Mercury is retrograde, and that's making life a little difficult right now because you have witnessed an increase in your drive and desire to make more money. So you have the motivational planet Mars pulling you one way, and Mercury, your ability to communicate these ideas, holding you back. Coming or going, you're not to sure which way is up this week. Reminds me of Corvair.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Well, you'll be thinking of phrases like "dynamic self-assertion," and "empowered activity" and the people around you will be thinking "new age boob head." The deal is this: you have the courage to forge ahead this week despite the usual caveats from planetary sources. The problem is sharp objects, whether that's real or imagined, like power tools are not a good thing this week, and neither is the rapier like wit of Scorpio inflamed. What's that one snake flag say, "Don't tread on me"? You have been advised to keep it cool this week despite your best desires to the contrary.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: There's this interesting planetary THING which neither astrologers or astronomers have been observing for very long, and this thing is making a visit to Scorpio. sit back, enjoy the ride, it's going be a an interesting couple of years. This chunk of ice and dirt ("that giant dirt ball in the sky") brings good news as well as a few lessons. Me? I keep thinking I've learned all my lessons, but it looks like you've still got a few in store. Get ready for some interesting times ahead.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: The week begins with a terrific combination for change, it's that power pair of Pluto and the Moon. From rage to harmony, in less time than it takes most cars to from zero to 60. The good news is that there is certain homing instinct which kicks in to save you by the end of the week. But I would never, ever suggest that a Sage needs saving. It's a good week to look for a fish finder, too.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Hunker down is about the only thing I can say to you Cappy's this week. There isn't a whole lot of other advice which really makes a lot of sense to you. You might care to remember that this isn't a good week to barricade yourself in a TRAILER HOUSE, either because trailer houses have a way attracting tornadoes. something about atmospheric conditions, high winds and aluminum siding that seems to affect Nature's primordial urges. And, as far as barricading yourself, if the Feds don't come after you,then the weather will turn on you. It's just all them little planets up in the sky, nothing really that serious.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: A good fisher Person pays attention to the ebb and flow of the tide, as well as the phase of the moon for fishing. There is a whole series of scientific documents which track the corollary between moon phases and fishes' behavior. I would suggest that this is good week to indulge in a little research on your own about this field of study because it will yield a good catch for the weekend.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Frugal is a key word for this week. Reminds me of a story: A second grade teacher told her class to use the word frugal, which means to save, in a short story. The next day, the Pisces came to class and shared his story. There was a princess drowning in a stream, and charming knight came along. The princess cried out, "Frugal me! Frugal Me!" So the knight in shining armor saved her, and then he frugaled her a lot. Now, does this story sound familiar?

Week of: December 30 - January 5
There's this strange club in Abilene (Texas) that starts the first of the year out by water skiing. Even in freezing temperatures, this group gather on Jan. 1, every year, to bring in the New Year with quite a splash. Know of any other good traditions like WATER SKIING IN THE DEAD OF WINTER? Let Mr. Editor-Dude know at BenBubba@aol.com.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Rendezvous with destiny. Actually, that should be Destiny with a "D". It's the fated time, the karmic time, and all that other folderol. You've got a busy, busy year ahead for you, and I reckon that's the good news, and if I had any more good news for you, I would tell you. I'd be a little more careful than usual on the big night because what you want to do and what every one else wants to do might not line up. Fireworks are okay for the big night, but guns are not a hot idea. You don't want to celebrate the New Year downtown in a county facility, do you?

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: With the start of the New Year, I just have one little pesky question: "Do you REALLY, REALLY believe in what you are doing?" It's not just me asking this question -- this becomes a central theme from a lot of folk around you. And with the New Year and its fresh start craze, lots of them folks are going to be asking you this very question. Or one just like it. If the answer is "Yes, Mr. FGS Astrology guy," then I wouldn't worry about anyone at all dissuading you from your chosen date with Destiny. But if you have questions, I might just warn you to look out as friends and family keep charging at Tao with their inane questions.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Oh no, it's the "party too much" syndrome this week. As a good Gemini, you want to be everywhere for everybody. All the parties. You want to get out and do it all. The problem is that there just isn't enough time to get it all done. Knowing that you will be faced with certain limitations this week ought to help you, though, because you will now understand the basic concept that it's a lot harder to get off the bull than getting on....

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: you got two big things to watch out for this week. One them is making a fool of yourself New Years' Eve. It would be one of the best times to get really stupid drunk, a darkly comic thing itself, and do something really entertaining like get a haircut to match what most of the kids are doing these days. The problem with that is called waking up and looking in the mirror (and realizing you've got an ugly haircut to start the new year at work). The other thing, and this pains me, but don't follow any soothsayers advice on investments, and I know how tempting that new boat is right now.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Be happy because it's a another holiday p[arty time. I would just caution you about too much irresponsible behavior this week. It's a lazy time for you, but as the New Year wears on, you will find that there are some domestic changes which need to be made. New shag carpet (burnt orange is a color suggestion) would be good. There will be some last minute changes as far as your plans for the big party night goes, too, so be advised that I would think twice about what you're planning to do. Be a little more receptive to some last minute changes, like water skiing to bring in the new year.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: The good news is that as soon as the new year kicks off, you're set to come out of the chute just like a bull who has been goosed with a high voltage electronic cattle prod. By the time the week is unfolding, you are off and running with all sorts of new ideas about how to make money and effect some extremely cool changes at work. Fashion tip this week: get a new haircut to show that you are ready for the new year. Maybe a new uniform for work, too.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Say "Hello" to mars this week, and he brings a double dose of high energy as the year begins to unfold. You will find that you feel activated, and this will be mirrored with lots of coming and going type of activity. When the first weekend of the new year gets here, get prepared for the upcoming fishing season. If you haven't spruced up the old boat, now is the time to tend to all the little details which need attending to...

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Fresh romance in your life? Did you start something new on New Year's Eve by looking someone special in the eye (with that Scorpio piercing gaze) and ignite a flame? Or fire up the old flame? In either case, your love life is off to good start on the new year, and partnerships of all kinds are favored this week. Or they will be. I mean, it's a good time to start fishing for a new fishing partner, forming an alliance to to win more bass tournaments this year. You can do it.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: I really hate to rely on the hackneyed expressions of foreign travel, but that's been good this time, and it only looks better and better. I would lay low, though for the big night, and do your dead level best to stay out of trouble. As the this weeks starts to unfold, you need to turn your undivided attention to making money. In a big way. Lots of money. Concentrate hard. Get the idea machine flowing, put in the thinking cap, map a strategy to to take over the world. The first weekend of the new year is a great time for you to plan and scheme and connive.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You've got Mercury Retrograde on your happy self right now, and that means, for those of you born in January, that the year is going to be full of untimely surprises. An untimely surprise is something that shows up when you really don't want it to, like catching a turtle when there is a game warden following you closely. although Sea Turtle makes an ideal boat, the poor turtles need their home just as much you do. Don't pick on endangered species this week.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: you've never been known for living high on the idea of domestic bliss, whatever that is, and this is a good week for a certain amount of "adjustment" at home. Or on the home front. Or in the trailer. Whatever you want to call it. The old relationship thing is heating up again, and that's going to bring you certain amount of joy in your life, kind of like catching the biggest fish instead of telling "the biggest fish that got away" stories. You don't have to rely on the fishing guide's great universal law: "You should've been here yesterday." Nope, not this week.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: The "less than blissful" relationship thing that has been going on, and probably interfered with some of your holiday merry making has taken a turn for the better. Now, the way I see them stars, it could either be a new boat, a new fishing partner, or just a new battery for the trolling motor, but I'll say the odds are pretty good that it will be one of those e three, and that the new item will certainly be a much better replacement part for the one that's gone away. Happy now?

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