Week of: November 25- December 1

Wish Kramer a happy solar return. You can fax him your best birthday wishes at 512/448-0970.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: That inexorable hand of fate keeps marching a little bit closer. You can feel it in the air, that cold and crisp autumn air, the leaves changing color, the days dwindling, the inevitable onslaught of cold and dark. Actually, you seem to have a much better outlook than most. You will find yourself humming strange songs at work, listening attentively, and, in general, being more helpful. This is a good sign because there is good stuff ahead for you. I've warned you before about getting too stuck in the wagon rut of life, especially right now when you need to be ready to jump up onto the Interstate.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: I know you hate it when I suggest we turn your Taurus attention towards the old office place. The deal is this, my fine friend with great taste, you will find that you need to expend a certain amount of energy in getting affairs at work (remember, that's where your money comes from) in order. Now, that's an old cliche, but the idea is sound: try tacking up some new artwork at your office. I strong;y recommend something tasteful and demure down on black velvet which would mean this is a good time to shop at a garage sale or the flea market. Some new art work at work: you'll enjoy the change. "Dogs Playing Poker" is always a welcome relief. Or a life size picture of the King.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Gemini, dear Gemini, please be so kind as to work on being a little more diplomatic when dealing with your family this week. You have strong feelings and desires, it's just that you ideas are running afoul of every one else this week. Try to be a little less pointed and a little less strident when you are talking to people. You don't need to hurt them that much, especially not with a pointed wit -- in certain sport fishing circles, it's considered good form to take the barb off the hook. You might try that this week, too.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: It looks like it is cult week for Cancers. I would be wary of anyone who promises that they have a cure for all your spiritual needs, unless of course, that person is a really good astrologer who would never ever steer you astray. You are very much on little bit of a trip right now, and the only nlky caution that seems appropriate is to make sure you don't a have a trophy buckle bigger than your head.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Look at it this way, dear Mighty Leo: all the other stuff is kicking around in Fire Signs which means that your own passion is further heightened. What this means is that you are alive with a burning sensation, and I don;t think the local drugstore has an immediate cure. Actually, the problems are less with digestion and more with this passion thing, that feeling of greatness which all Leo's are born with. I would expect Destiny and Fate to be serving you up some good Thanksgiving Day dinners. No Turkey TV Dinners for you this week.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Will power seems to be a good source of trouble this week. In other words, your will power and the other person's drive gets confused. I would take a moment, if I were in your boots, to consider what direction you are running off in. In fact, I would make a serious consideration about what that other person might be feeling in light of what you are doing to him or her. Then again, on the other side of the overused coin cliche, you do have a wonderful sense of energy this week. Ever water ski barefoot? You might want to try that this week, behind the old bass boat.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: You are feeling a little sneaky this week, and if you are a good Libra (there is no such thing as a bad one, really), then you have some plans for the coming holidays which you haven't hatched yet. Get all those little duck in a row, to overuse yet another cliche expression because you are in fine shape this week. I would also suggest that this would be a good week for refinancing the bass boat. Yes sir, this is a good time for getting those pesky little details in order, like working out a second mortgage so you can have your dream boat.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Scorpio, you are scaring me right now. You have this gleeful look on your face, and you see nothing but hope for the foreseeable future. In other words, all that happy stuff I suggested about year ago is finally starting to happen. It really did start a year ago, but your "wait and see" attitude has finally paid off. So are some deals that you have been hammering out this week. You will really, really enjoy Thanksgiving day.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: You have probably been hearing a persistent and annoying ringing in your ears. This shouldn't be too much trouble, although you you might want to claim that' this phenomenon is like the "Taos Hum." It isn't. There is just a lot of romance running through you personal sky right now, and there are a lot of birthdays going on. And that ringing in your head, as much as you would like to think that it's the result of getting thrown from a horse (and landing on your head) it probably has a more mundane location and cause.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You are not going to let the stress of being around the whole damn family interfere with your happiness this week. Listen to the strange music inside your head: the body may be present but the mind is obviously gone on a little vacation. Of course, there are a few Cappy's who are going to be on an actual vacation right now, and those few, those lucky few, shouldn't be having any trouble whatsoever. It's the poor numbers who have to share time with their families that are going to experience some trauma. It's nothing new: you are used to it by now, I mean, it is your family. How many Elvis impersonators are going to be at the dinner table Thursday?

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: I realize that you feel pretty invincible now. There is no goal too lofty for you to attain. There is no mountain to high for you to climb. Impossible odds make you scoff in derision. This is all fine and dandy, but just remember this old Texas saying: ain't no tree too big for a little dog to lift his leg.... I would be careful of little dogs coming around and "lowering" your expectations and goals for you.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Okay, dear Pisces friend, work with me on this: taxes. No, this isn't a pun about the largest unfrozen state in the U.S., this is a hint about things to come.... while everyone else is enjoying a nice little nap in front of the TV, you should be getting all your paperwork ready for your accountant. If you don't have a good accountant, let me know, I can always recommend one to you. And why the rush for the end of the year season? Trust me -- you're going to be very busy soon.

Week of: November 18-24

"A marriage always seems like a good idea when you're about to commit one." Martin Warshaw in Bruce Sterling's recent (and quite good) novel, "Holy Fire." [NY: Bantam, 1996. p. 9]

Aries [3/23-4/20]: This whole work-money-fishing thing that you've got going on gets pushed more and more this week. There is an incredible pressure coming from the heavens which would indicate this is a good time to ask your boss for a raise. I mean, with the approaching holidays and all, you sure could use that extra cash, right? Better yet, even with all the credit card business in such disarray, you will probably get a new cad in the mail this week. Don't tear it up, either, just remember that it's only borrowed money.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: You start out the week with a strong concern for family obligations, and you end the week with much better perspective on what is going on. In fact, you will feel like some sort of weight has been lifted. Sort of like a friend showing up to help carry your emotional baggage. There, I hope that's good news because the week really does have many positive twists to it. Got your T-Day stuff all lined up? I hope so.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Gemini is not usual associated with being a stubborn sign, however, this week, it really feels like you have a stubborn streak which is going to show itself. Something about family obligations gets on your nerves. I wouldn't worry about, if you could just flip back to being the adaptable person that you are, then this little familial obligation won't bother you so much. Besides, what is family for in the first place? We're here to irritate you.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Clarity and single-mindedness of action, direction, all those good words which make you sound like you really know what you are doing this week -- that's what comes to mind. The only thing I would warn you about, and this is a trite expression from the old rodeo days, but "getting off the bull is a lot harder than getting on the bull." As long as you maintain you sense of direction, you won't feel too bad when you hit the dirt this week.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: This is a good week to argue. Now, before giving away information like that, I maybe I should explain: The lawyer star, the planet which benefit rhetoric (the art of persuasion) is lined up in a really nice way with you this week. So pick your words carefully, and then watch as you win all the arguments. Just remember that this is guaranteed, like I would like to make it for every Leo, it's just that you have a fortuitous arrangement in the sky right now which lends you all kinds of good stuff. It's like having a shiny new pick up truck!

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: There are certain things that you need to learn about, like: what's the difference between strong-minded, and being stupidly-stubborn? The old saying goes, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." The problem started out last week, and it gotten to the point where many people feel like it is way out of hand right now. Relax. Chill out. Step back and look at the big picture. Get some focus here. Where's your perspective? Can't you see what is really going on? If you answer no, I would have to wonder if you were just being stubborn.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Your are just no wrapping up a big project at work. That's one thing which is going on. The good news is that this brings in some cash. Now, the other thing which is going on is that you you an increased ability to communicate with siblings and family members. Looks like a party atmosphere, and you will find that your creative expression is is much favored. In plainer words: think about a new paint scheme for your beloved boat. Or plant some flowers in that old empty tire out in the front yard.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You get some much needed lifts in your energy level this week because Venus comes boot scooting into your sign towards the weekend. This means nice things are going to happen to you. I would look for small conflict of wills, though, as some other fixed signs (Taurus, especially) makes a little bit of trouble for you. Of course, under the loving light of Venus, you aren't quite so hostile this week. I don't recommend handguns, though, as a form of resolving differences.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: What a wonderful way to begin a birthday month! There is a great deal of "out with the old" attitude going on this week as the Sun and Pluto do a little tango. It's less of a tango that some highly ornate (and unrecognized) new jangled dance step which is a cross between break dancing and the Texas-Two step. Cement some new bonds this week, but be careful that these new bonds aren't like cement over shoes, if you know what I mean.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Intuition, those little voices in your head, are much sharper this week. Be careful, though, because if you get too many little voices in your head, or if you try to tell someone about the voices in your head, then you get to make a trip to see the head doctor, and all that doctor does is give the funny pills which make everything okay. You don't want to lose yourself, just because you were trying to tell some folks about he voices in your head. It's our secret and I won't tell.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Now, conventional astrology, which rarely applies to Aquarius, would have it that you starting out the week with a big bang, I mean, even late Sunday night you find your Monday morning is already here. Then it just progresses into a natural rhythm of where the cycles of love and hate get really close. It's like this: imagine yourself sitting in a bass boat with a good friend and fishing partner. Imagine that in less than 30 seconds this person has had the temerity to really piss you off. Now, in another 30 seconds, you feel nothing but love and compassion (in a platonic, fishing buddy way) for this person. Quite the cycle, isn't it? But wait, this just gets more pronounced throughout the week. Have a safe trip.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: I hate talking about these difficult times, but a few months ago, I told you to "get on the stick" about taking care of some important arrangements for the upcoming holiday. As usual, you didn't listen. If it wasn't for some (insurance calls it an "act of God" clause) heavenly help, you would be a in world of hurt right now. Actually, you are due for a long lost friend to show up and bail you out of this one. I wouldn't worry about it all. Not one little bit.

Week of: November 11-17

"If we shadows have offended/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumbÍred here/While these visions did appear."
Puck in Act V of Shakespeare's MidSummer's Night's Eve.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Last week you were yelling "Die Yuppie Scum" at fish in the lake. This week, you are favoring the thought of using automatic assault rifles to take a single deer, seeing as how it's deer season here. Imagine poor little Bambi, lined up in the sights of your Uzi or Mac-10, or an AK-47 with a big old banana clip in it holding thousands of rounds. What I'm trying to warn you desperate Aries about right now, what I'm trying to get you to do, is to stay away from overkill.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: I had to do a little research on this one, but what you, my poor Taurus friend, has lined up against you this week will feel like a little bit of everything. If you're not having problems with your lover, you might. and if it's not your lover, then it might be mother or father, and if it's not them it might other family members like brother or sister, and if it's not them, it could be your boss, or other employees. Just because some, or all, of these people will disagree with you this week is no reason to be paranoid. The effects of these various influences only at for a few days, at best (or worst). and I did you tell you about them so you can avoid the conflicts.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Gemini's are not particularly noted for their tenacity or, fox that matter, for their dedication. This isn't a condemnation, just casual observation. Instead, the vivacious Gemini is noted for being entertaining (never dull), and always on the go. The deal is this: this week, you find yourself a little more willing to dig into a particular subject, get a chance to deeply research a project, and maybe even develop some of the aforementioned missing tenacity. Then again, maybe not.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Clarity is coming for a brief visit. Better get the guest bedroom ready. This means that there will be a precious little bit of insight into some of the current trauma associated with work. Relief? Probably not. But the insight means that you can forge ahead with work, relived in knowing where the problems come from. Admitting there is a problem doesn't cure dudely squat, but it does get the cards on the table.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: In one of those e funny little faxes that gets sent around from office to office, there is a rule (Schultz's Speculation): "If you can't be right, be wrong at the top of your voice." Look, this is a mighty fine idea some of the time, but right now, it ain't. No matter how right you think you are, it would really be best this week if you were to restrain the bit about telling other people how right you are at the top of your voice. Authority figures, like men who were starched uniforms and aviator shades (and drive cars with little cherry lights on them), will pose you with problems. Make sure whatever hunting or fishing permit you use this week is up to date.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: You certainly have one of those weeks unfolding right now, don't you? Best possible advice while Mr. Mars is in your little section of the sky is to actively pursue romance. In other words, go out and chase someone you are interested in down. The key here is action. It's like the old lottery sales gimmick, "you can win if you don't play" so while you're at it, play a little. No, I'm not talking about the lottery, I'm talking about love. Romance. Fire up a an old flame, or start a new fire.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Poor Libra, to have this happen so soon after your birthday, too, but there is a little planetary lesson going on this week that has to do with self-sacrifice. Let me explain: a little bit of "giving up the good life" this week can yield ample rewards next week. In fact, you don't feel like giving up anything because her majesty, Venus, is in your sign pushing everyone of your hedonistic little buttons. But there is a reward for a week long period of abstinence from whatever vice it is: next week, you get to more than twice as much good stuff if you make the gesture towards a more pious lifestyle this week.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: This is actually the beginning a strong lunar phase for you, my dear and sweet Scorpio friend. The New Moon sets a pace for you for the next 228 days which is really strong. If you happen to have a birthday this week, drop me a line.... I want to hear about how good it is. You are at the beginning of a serious rebirth cycle. Bubba, go ahead and get that new motor for the boat because you've got a great season just ahead.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Speaking of great season ahead, looks like you are just now starting to see some major light at the end of major long tunnel, and there is hope for a lot of things that you've been waiting on. It's a harvest time for Sag. Reap what you have sown sort of thing. Like, remember when you had a chance to clear away some trash in the emotional backyard of last last summer? That clearing out of old stuff, getting rid of old baggage should begin to pay off now. In other words, you did the homework, now you can pass the test.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Ever get out on the lake when there is that light mist rising from the surface of the lake itself? Sort of a fog. You know, where the air is just a little cooler than the lake temperature, you get to see the water vapor forming its own little cloud, right there, early in the morning? Well, that's what it's like this week because you can see fog coming off the surface, and, in the same breath, you can see the same fog disappearing.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: At long last, you will finally feel like the rest of the family is listening to you. Unless, of course, you come from a family where everyone thinks that he or she (even the dog) is an Elvis Impersonator. Then you got trouble because Elvis impersonators always demand center stage. But, if your family is less normal, and there are fewer Elvis types, then you will find that you are attracting more than your fair share of the attention. Get them old domestic disputes in order. No need to have a retraining order sworn out on the old Mother In Law.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Okay, dear Pisces, I'm going to save you some money this week. Then, after I save you all that money, you can send me a portion of it because you listened to my sage advice. Is it a deal? Okay, no games of chance this week. No lottery. No bingo (Mama ain't going to like that one). No going to the slots on the Indian Reservation for a little bit of fun. This ain't the week for such things. Your luck has taken a brief vacation. Now thing about all that money I just saved you in bingo, and think about how I need a new boat....

Week of: November 4-10

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow

Aries [3/23-4/20]: This is a good week for you. The problem this week, is that you ever fun loving fishing partner is going to be a bit put off his minnow bucket because it seems like you have stern, serious streak running through your body this week. It's all business to you. "Die Yuppie Scum!" might not be quit the correct battle cry when tossing a line into the lake. I'd tell you to lighten up, but that's not going happen this week.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: It's your half birthday time, a quaint tradition going back to the college days, when you get to celebrate the fact that you are six months older. In astrological terms, it';s a turning point for you because the Sun is opposite you, and this means you are going to assess yourself, your goals, and the direction you have taken since your birthday. One of the ills of modern society is that it does not properly address this important event, the half birthday, and it will seem like you are face to face with overwhelming opposition right now. Just when you thought it was going to be a fine climactic moment, too.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Ever feel like you've got burr under your saddle? How about a piece of pea gravel in your sock? How about SEVERAL pieces of annoying pea gravel in your sock? That's what this week is like for you. Several annoying events just sort of work themselves under your skin, and, if you are not too careful, these annoying little events will get to you. Now, I've warned you about the minor annoyances, so what are YOU going to do about it?

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: It's another one of those weeks when I should be talking about stability and structure for you. But alas, the planets have fallen into "evil disarray" and because of that, there isn't a wonderful outlook. since I hear from some many Cancers, though, I will offer this little nugget of good information: the rapidly approaching lunar phase will benefit you this weekend. We call it "target acquisition" and once you've got that fish in sight, get ready to set the hook and reel that sucker in.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Relief should be on it's merry little way this wee. You start out the week on a good note (at least you should), and then events just sort of build in your favor for the next couple of days. It was as if you could do no wrong. And if you do manage to offend some one, try spouting a little Shakespeare back at them--the bit from Puck. Your normal, jovial attitude is back.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: I always remember what Mark Twain said in his novella "PuddÍnhead Wilson" wherein the main character has a calendar full of pert and pithy sayings: "When angry, count four; when very angry, swear." Virgo, my dear friend, learn some new anatomical suggestions for this week. Colorful language and counting to four will help ease some of your frustrations this week as a couple of angry planets make angry angles which result in your being angry. The good news is that this anger is quick to pass.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Plan on entertaining as much as possible this week. In fact, it's a great week to play host to some event. Your usual gregarious nature is even more so this week. Another way to look at this, is what good time it is to find new and creative outlets that you want to explore. You're sexy this week, you feel like a million bucks, and life just couldn't be any easier. I would, of course, caution you about over indulgences, especially in the eating area. In other words, "all you can eat" catfish fry places ain't such a hot idea this week, but that stuff sure is good.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You are going to be faced with some upsetting changes in your daily routine. Now, change is usually considered a good thing, but Scorpio, for all your nice qualities, is a Fixed Sign and hence, just a tad on the stubborn side. It's not that you are resistant to change, no, you just don't like it when it's not your own idea. Okay, the way this plays is out that someone suggests a change, like an editorial change, in the first part of the week. Later in the week, you have your own idea (probably REAL similar) and then, by the weekend, you are ready to implement the change. See? It all works out for the best.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: The happy archer isn't so happy this week as a few things seem to line up against you. No matter what you try, it feels like there are certain obstacles in your way, problems like fishing buddies who can't seem to get up on time to get to the lake before the sun rises. Not this will affect you, it's just that your usual good luck seem to have taken a vacation this week. And it doesn't look like there are any improvements until next week. Sorry about the bad luck on the bad timing. Be careful to not criticize your fishing buddies too much even though they are clearly inept in your eyes.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: One more idea, about this money thing that you've got going on... the heavens are fast approaching a point in your life where you can make or break yourself. It's not a good time to get yourself involved in destructive habits like golf. One day, it's just an "innocent game" and then the next week, there you are, forsaking work, relationships, braving hostile weather, forgetting poker games and poker buddies, giving up on fishing all together, just for the sake of whacking some small ball around on the golf course. I don't get it, and your family doesn't understand this obsession, either. Just day "no" to golf.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: With what the planets (specifically: Uranus) are doing right now, you guys are going to make the very best of fishing partners in long, long time. The reason? Uranus awakens you spiritually, and since fishing is a spiritual pursuit (remind me to tell you about the First Church of Kramer and the Blessed Boat), you lucky Aquarian will know the exact location of the fish. This week, next week, doesn't mater anymore. With an Aquarian in the boat, two things will happen: 1] electric gizmos won't works, and 2] fish will literally jump into the boat to make the Aquarius happy.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: I would never, ever suggest that a Pisces would be given to rash and irrational behavior. Never would I make such a suggestion. However, as this week unfolds, you will find that you are tempted, on more than one occasion, to deal harshly with an individual who really needs his or her wings clipped. There is a problem here, my fine Pisces friend, doing so will probably get your own wings clipped, too. Avoid confrontation, even though the other person really does deserve a good blasting. Remember to watch your blood pressure.

Week of: October 28 - November 3
Kramer's Momma's is Nov. 1, send her a fax at 512/521-0259, and tell her that you think all Scorpios are great people.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: A wedding is not a good idea right now, not for you. Trust me on this one, despite what your innermost feelings might reveal, I would urge you to reconsider the elopement idea. Why? Just because the the source of this infatuation is bound to wear off pretty quick. Don't confuse "love at first sight" with a slightly different (but somehow related) concept called "lust at first sight." Remember, you like to fish, too, so don't throw everything overboard for this relationship thing.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: The odd bits of gravel in the sky, some of them darned feminist asteroids, are making some VERY interesting activity going on for you this week. You are torn between lavishing many hours on the finery for a beautiful costume for the grand Halloween ball, and just cleaning up the house. Decisions, decisions. You might want to consult a real astrologer, like myself, for further elucidation on these matters. And fashion consulting, too, because that plays a big part in what you want to be this Halloween.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: I hate to talk about "windows of opportunity" but you have one this week as the stars (well, planets, actually) line up and make you particularly incisive for a moment. How about this: you have more depth and range than the average (or even above average) fish radar? You have greater insight into past lives with ex-wives than ever before. You can see what your future holds. And you will be critical of the whole mess. That's you, this week.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: There is collateral damage, a nice media term, associated with one of those e romantic relationship things going on this week. Don't get caught in he crossfire. Keep your head down. Go with what you know. Despite all the forebodings, this would be a great weekend for you to play poker. Try and gather the gaming buddies around for a nice, friendly game of high stakes cards. Or something along those lines. I don't know if I would recommend Las Vegas, because I don't really see travel this week, but a good game of chance might bring you some windfall.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Some Leos need an agenda for the week. Try this one: Monday, Tuesday, assess work situation. Wednesday, Thursday, contemplate the meaning of life. Friday through whenever, party with wild abandon, as if there were no tomorrow. It's a simple plan, but I think you will find it most effective. I still have to warn you about handling explosive devices like bombs, dynamite, loaded firearms and jealous girlfriends.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: The love planets play a game of hide and seek with you this week. Venus starts out in your sign (but leaves) and Mars comes into your sign (and doesn't leave). What's this mean? Mars is energy and drive. So if you did something to help accentuate that last hit from Venus, like get involved in a relationship, or start dating someone, then with Mars coming along, you will find that you have the drive to make this thing work. One planet made you soft, the next planet makes you hard-driven.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: With Venus now in you sign, you will find that you have a better than average sense of taste. I would consider cruising the flea markets this weekend, looking for that one piece of art that you have always wanted: dogs playing poker on black velvet. Yes, with this sort of planetary configuration, now is the time to move from low-brow art to high art. You might want to consider a Black Velvet Star Trek, too, and boldly go where no artwork has gone before.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: "Now is the winter of our discontent/Made glorious by this sun of York" Know the rest of the lines? Let me know by Email. The villain of that play, Richard, was much ,maligned in history, and some scholars have suggested that he was done so based strictly upon this one play. Scorpios feel like that too, this week, much picked upon because there was a Scorpio once who was vile and mean and vindictive, and screwed it up for all the rest of the sign. Oh yeah, let my mother know what nice people Scorpios are as we try to stem this tide of history.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Feel like there is 60% more to you right now? The deal is this: all the little odd bits of pea gravel, like the stuff that gets caught in your boot, is in your corner of the sky. What that means is small and insignificant problems blow up like a volcano and these little problems become big problems. Are you going to let it get to you, O Mighty Archer Dude? Of course not. I've just told you that these are minor problems. The only constraint is that, after a week of minor problems, you want some relief. Send a fax to your favorite Scorpio, or if you don't have a favorite Scorpio, send a fax to my favorite Scorpio, and you might Archers will feel better.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Cappy's should be feeling rather good about their lot in life, by now. You should have the new bass boat, the old car should be in great shape, and, as long as you stayed out of that fake money-making scheme, you should be on solid financial ground. In fact, you should be reaping some benefits from some of that "sweat of my brow" stuff, too, this week. You should find that more folks are willing to listen to your expert advice, whether that's fishing advice, astrological advice, or sage work wisdom.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: You have a neat sort of week lining up with a lot of romantic possibilities coming along. Another thing I would urge you to consider this week is buying flower for your fishing partner. Usually, this is considered a bad move in poor taste, but I mean it metaphorically. Don't get the guy real flowers, or one of those stupid "I Love You" cards. Get him something useful, like antacid in special, brightly colored box. Breath mints. Something that would make your hours in the boat a lot more comfortable with your partner. I hope your partner gets the hint.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: There is one problem that might be plaguing poor, much beleaguered Pisces this week: a concern about weight. Not the weight of the fish you catch this weekend, but that's certainly another story. No, what we need to talk about is those few extra pounds which have been creeping up and onto your waistline. Well, looks like this isn't the week to do anything about it, but I thought I would point out to you that the stars have it in for your waistline unless YOU do something about it. Want to bet I hear from a number of irate Pisces this week, as they sit there and console themselves with chocolate?

Week of: October 21-27

Aries [3/23-4/20]: There's a;ways that nice expression about "work harder, not smarter," and such a statement really applies this week. It's time for a little "unlearning" at the old job site because you've got a few ingrained patterns which need to modified. Or chucked away completely. This kind of wholesale change usually meets with a lot of resistance, but not from you, not this time. The planets are lined up to make this change easy, this week.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: The week starts out with massive insecurities -- all those little fears have grown into great big fears. It's as if you've been reading one too many bad horror novels, or worse yet, too many bad movies at the drive-in. All of these little scenes, like the shower scene in "Psycho" (complete with audio), keep going on in your head this week. Funny thing is, by the time the weekend gets here, you get a whole new attitude, and all the nasty scenery goes away.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: It's a good week to concentrate on cleaning house, both real and metaphorical, this week. Read Taurus for this week, and see if that doesn't fit some of what you're feeling. Then consider that if you clean out the closets now, you won't have to do this later. And I'll bet that you find some Xmas presents left over from last year in that closet. Just setting the tone for the coming season, you know.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Lots of mental activity this week. It's as if some one has published your mailing address, and they keep sending you little notes. And the notes all seem to be pretty much pointless, too. I would recommend that you line up a good fishing trip for this weekend. The weather in Texas is such that it's a good a time to do get out on the lake, and everyone knows how much a Cancer likes the cool, calming influence of the water. Plastic glo worms work best this week for you.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: This is darn near the last of the mars influence on you. I would certainly consider a new paint job on the old bass boat to be a good thing this week. I would not consider dynamite as a good bait for this week, especially not on Monday or Tuesday. There is a potential for a relationship to "blow up" but just as fast as is ignites, the difference of opinion will fade, too, just be extra careful when you handle a potentially explosive topic.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: There is only one, rather weak, but calming nonetheless, influence going on right now. The problem with being a Virgo, is the unique "fastidiousness" you bring to whatever it is that you are doing. Fortunately, I don't have to warn you about certain romantic interludes which are nothing more than empty dreams, either. Rather late in the week, your persnickety attention to detail will actual yield some benefit as you see a situation in the true light of day rather than seeing it in an emotional fog. Live bait is too messy this weekend.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: This week wraps up the Sun in Libra section of our astrological year. So, for the remaining few Libras with a birthday, have a good one. Mercury also wraps up its stay in Libra, and cosmic game of celestial orb tag is over with for a little while. It is time to get ready, though, because there is a new and more beneficial influence on its way. I would just get the boat ready because there are many fish to harvest next week. This is a good time to get prepared.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Happy birthday to all the early degree of Scorpios out there. This is the beginning of the month of Scorpio, and your most hallowed of holidays: Halloween. It's right around the corner, the time when you get to be you're scariest best. Since there is nothing untoward happening in Scorpio this week, I would just warn you a little bit about being too sharp tongued with your minions -- give the help a break, and try to go easy on your fishing partner. After all, that person is lucky enough to be stuck with in a boat for hours on end, and they should definitely show appreciation for you this week.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: The problem with most Archer types is that the idea of cleaning house, if one is to take the phrase literally, just doesn't seem to apply. This week, though, would be a good time to allocate a certain amount of energy towards this formidable task. Rather than do it all at once, though, here's a tip: clean out the garage and look into doing some preparation work on the old fishing boat. Then think about cleaning the bathroom. Then consider working on the desk that is full of last year's tax stuff. Then go out and party. There, following my special schedule, you can get a lot of stuff out of the way this week.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: More than one Cappy has complained about my old song and dance regarding money and work. But every Cappy I know loves money, almost as much as they life itself. The good news is that the lucky star is still in your sign. The problems you encounter with this, though, is varied because you don't always believe in luck. Most Cappys love hard work, and that old lucky star has left you a little impatient and jittery, like too much coffee. If you can concentrate, the world will bring you many rewards. The trick, though, is concentration. Moderate your coffee intake this week; you'll feel better.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: There are two kinds of Aquarius folk this week: irritable and satisfied. The deal is this: either you got to work on a project (like you were supposed to) about a year ago, and everything works to your benefit this week. Or, you didn't do what you were supposed to, way back when, and now everything is laying there in ruins. It's your choice, whether you shoulder on through the morass and find some long-tern gain, or if you just kick back, forget all about it, and go fishing. I still think that the fishing idea is the best for Aquarius types, at least for this week. Gets you out of harm's way.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: For just once in your life, this is a good week to do just about anything that your little, Pisces heart desires. The sun lends you great strength and determination, and it allows you a chance to achieve something this week. The problem with a week like this, though, is that MOST people just wake up and feel, then roll over and go back to sleep. If that's your decision, then you can rest assured you won't get fired for being late to work. I would still urge you to take advantage of this "monster truck pull" energy -- go out and run someone over (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Week of: October 14-20

Aries [3/23-4/20]: It's that old half birthday time when, with oncoming cool weather, you need to figure out what works and what don't work. With that idea considered and put aside., now look at some other things in your life, like the real world stuff called work. ugly word for most people, but you, as a a good Aries, revel in it. And you've been working a lot lately, too, haven't you? Now, what I'm going to suggest is that you don't get pissed off at the boss, and then have you storm out of the office, only to regret this action next week when you have to stand in the unemployment line. You are able to effect some changes at work, just try to be a little sneaky about it.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: Well, there is a burst of energy this week, driven by the elusive phase of the moon. What this means is that you are in a unique position to do one of two things with that old fishing buddy of yours, either fight or kiss and make up. Being the helpful soul that I am, I would recommend the latter. Use this burst of energy to help set matters right with your partner. This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, either but to a little bit of everything in the way you deal with other people.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: There are one or two minor influence this week on you poor Gemini's: one is a positive little romance thing, something left over from the summer, a mere flirtation which might escalate into a full-fledged affair of the heart. The other little influence is more difficult, and involves some kind of inner transformation. I would recommend fly fishing as a source of inner delight. It's quiet, cool, calculated, sort of like a test of wits against the fish. Find a deep little eddy somewhere, a quiet backwater, and ease a fly onto the surface of the water. This ain't a a week for bottom feeders.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Times like this can feel really trying for a Cancer. If you had bought me a boat, like I had subliminally suggested, we could be out on the calming influence of the lake this weekend, reeling in fish and telling stories about the one that got away. But you didn't buy the boat, so be careful this week, and try to get away this weekend. Some BBQ would make you feel ever so much better, and all that meat in your tummy would help you forget what a jerk your boss is this week.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Okay Leo listen up good now: you got that Lone Ranger figure, Mars, all over your happy butt. As much as you would like to, this is definitely NOT the week to fish with dynamite. You keep thinking that a stick of TNT is just like a little ole firecracker. The only image that comes to my mind at time like this, and with your planets the way they are is the cartoon character the Roadrunner. I would heartily recommend staying away from Acme products this week. No rocket sled antics, no incendiary devices, just plain old hard work pays off best.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Catfish one week, and now "significant others' this week? You Virgos are wondering what is up with the FGS Headquarters. Why nothing! Just reporting the facts. So what this means is that Venus is in all alone in Virgo this week, making your taste in the finer things in life, that much finer. And nothing could be finer than a diner with a good chicken fried steak. Or fried catfish. The bad news is that I wouldn't look too hard for the catfish in the river this week, just find a good restaurant. If you know of any good chicken fried steak places, let me know.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: This is my Daddy's birthday, I want all of the FGS Faithful to send my father a B-Day E-mail. His address is ottowetzel@aol.com. Strange thing about it, we both have the same last name. So what does this mean for the rest of the loyal Libra readers? It means that there is a higher degree of clarity this week than there has been in a while. In the tradition of the East (India, not East Coast), though, the birthday week can make for hazardous driving conditions. I would be careful about your method of transportation during the next week or so. Don't get too excited.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: The deal is this: you have chosen a path to follow. You have made up your mind (you Scorpios are good at that). Now, you have a few little "challenges" testing your resolve along the way. I would call them bumps in the road, rather than challenges. Between that, and a voracious appetite, you have quite the week ahead for you. The other thing I would definitely recommend this week is fining some decent "all you can eat" buffets in order to slake your quest for dinner.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: I still feel like Shakespeare's Henry the Fifth, screaming, "Once more unto the breach dear friends..." and if you would like the rest of that quote, it's in Henry V, Act III, Scene i, lines 1-14. The reason I'm talking about Henry is because he beat the odds, and you can do so this week, too, if your lucky. And a decent Sagittarius is always lucky. Gather up your courage, line up your meager ducks, and sail back into the face of adversity because you can win.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You feel like you are tired of me making snide comments about Capricorns, money and Multi-Level Marketing scams, er, schemes. Get used to it. There is going to be a special someone who comes into your life this week, and that special person is going to try and soak you for your life savings. I have always recommend that the best place to store money is under the mattress. That way you can always rest easy because you know where everything is. Don't tell anyone about the extra stash of cash under the bed.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: While you start out as the stable one, by the end the week, you will experience all kinds of wild and hairy mood changes. Furthermore, you are going to be motivated to act rashly by the time the weekend gets here. I don't care if you do live in Texas, now is not a good time to punctuate your point to your employer by threatening him a chainsaw. Although you really think this would make a good, solid point, some of the dripping irony is missed.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: It's another long, dark night of the soul this week. Well, I would be much less concerned about the "long and dark night of soul" stuff, given that most Pisces have survived up to now. The other problem which is going to surface this week is some kind of new little demon associated with the day too day stuff around the house. Or, a better expression might be, "problems back at the ranch."

Week of: October 7-13

wish Genie a happy b-day: GenieEasy@aol.com

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Other astrologers will be telling you about how bad things are right now, but, being the good person that I am, I will beg to differ just a little bit. There is a massive conflagration in the sky which gives you all kinds of new depth and meaning to this week. Somebody done lit a fire under your backside, and you can go with it! Remember, if life gives you lemons, go find some Mexican beer to go with them (lemonade is too wimpy of a solution, to New Age. I mean, let's get real).

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: Dear Taurus! This is another good week for you. I would definitely recommend going out to the gallery (you know the one) and you will find that this is a good time to find the perfect picture to add to your den: dog playing poker on the ultimate medium, black velvet. I would suggest a flea market, too, since most of the galleries these days are full of "SouthWestern" stuff which is really kind of pointless with its pastels and washed out colors. You want some art which has depth and meaning. And cute. it's got to be cute, too. Look for the dogs. A little Star Trek on black velvet is nice, as well.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Clean house this week. Okay, since that's too hard, try straightening up the place. Okay, since that's too hard, plan on hiring a house cleaner. Okay, since that's still too hard, think about getting out of the hose and forgetting the whole mess for a while. You will feel like you want to stay home and clean, but when faced with the formidable task, you will find that you aren't up to the task just yet. Just don't let me hear you complain about house cleaning chores.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Each sun sign gets divvied up into three parts, early, middle and late degrees. So this is what is happening for each subdivision of Cancer: early-making money; middle-running away from work; late-looking for a new job. Do you see a pattern here? Using my new computerized fish finder, the obvious pattern has to do with upheaval at work. Sort of like a country song about, "Take this job and ..." I'll let you fill in the blanks.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Leos do well this week because there is a fortunate Moon/Mars thing which is further strengthened by a lot of other stuff in other fire signs. I would emphasize your creative ability this week. Like, when you get pulled over by a state trooper, and it turns out that you can fabricate a really good story about why you were in a hurry. The way the heavens look right now, they would actually believe you. Remember to mention that you gave money to the Troopers Association, too. Your ability to generate fiction will be greatly enhanced. Write to me, and let me hear the whoppers you get away with this week.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: work with me on some nice, new metaphors for what is going on in the lovely sign of Virgo: catfish. Now, most folks will agree that catfish ain't the prettiest fish in the world, but once you;ve skinned one, the delicate flesh is the tastiest kind there is. Now imagine yourself along the banks of the Brazos river, dropping some bait deep into a pool to snag one of these ugly old bottom feeders. It's a clear, freshwater steam, and that catfish is going to taste just like the stuff that he's been eating... think how good it will be and you can move beyond its unattractive appearance. Find beauty where you don't normally look for this week.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: There is some things really stirring up in the heavens, and you will find that you are face to face with several large changes that you might not be too comfortable with. there is evidence to suggest of some serious shifts in the balance of power at home. There is also a similar shift in the balance of power at work. If I don't know better, I would suggest that you have been down sized. The trick, this week, is not to let your emotions get control of the situation--don't let your visceral body over rule what your rational brain knows is correct.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: I have finally uncovered the perfect action spot, at this time of the year, for a good Scorpio: the Fire Ant Festival in Marshall, Texas. Perfect party for you guys--just up your alley, so to speak. Did you know the Fire Ant is an import into Texas? One of our worst pesky dusty dwellers didn't start out here. Like that fire ant, you Scorpios might want to consider cleaning out the closet right now. Nothing can clean like an army of ants, and this would be a good time to do just that.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Sagittarius has this unnatural good luck and resiliency not found in anything but good polyester trousers. And like those darned old polyester pants, the good luck just won't go away. There is, however, a problem this week. Unless you really do fish for a living, you might find that you want to spend too much time with your important hobbies (play), and not enough time with money generating activities (work). If I were a Sagittarius, I would consider scheduling a little vacation time this week.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Like any good Capricorn, I'm sure you have dreamed about having yourself on the television, late at night, you know, "Love Connection." Or would it be "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"? This week, either real or imagined, you will find that you get some prominent publicity, like being a featured star on on one of the aforementioned shows. The only thing that might not be too good, if the Channel 7 News Team shows up on your doorstep, I would be a little careful.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: That big dude in the sky, Uranus, starts his forward movement again. And along with that, there will be certain "challenges" for you Aquarius rebel without a cause types. Now, I can't tell you what everyone will experience, but there are a more than a few Aquarius types who will encounter some dramatic changes, all which seem to start this week. Remember that the change is good for you, you like, even embrace the change. It's like moving from indoor.outdoor carpet to Astroturf.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Pisces really have all the luck this week. No, there isn't anything specific happening in their quarter of the sky, it's just that there is nothing evil happening to them this week. How about a little Zen for the week? "Clay is molded to make a vessel, but the utility of the vessel lies in the space where there is nothing...Thus, taking advantage of what is, we recognize the the utility of what is not." That's from Lao Tzu. And let me know if you Pisces don't get it.

Week of: September 30- October 6

Big doings in the heavens soon enough. We've got Uranus "just fixin' to do it," as he slows down from his backward spin and begins to make hasty tracks though the very early stages of Aquarous. Having some fun now!

Speaking of stages, how about a quote from the stage?
"All the world's a stage/And the men and women merely players."
That's Jacque in Shakespeare's As You Like It (II.vii.138-9)

Aries [3/23-4/20]: You know the old saying that "no man is an island" right? That's the problem this week as you feel like you are stuck on a desert island, and that there is no one left for you to turn to. Now me, if I was stuck on a desert island, I would look at all the time I got to fish, the time I could do just what I wanted.... and think about all the nice surf fishing there would be. Sushi would take on a whole new frame of reference (Sushi: it's not just bait anymore). But this desert island stuff is a mere fantasy, and you need to get back to the real world this week, too.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: Do you ever have an interesting week! That's the good news. The less than wonderful news is that you need to take care of stuff around the house. Like consider cleaning up your fishing gear for this weekend. But being a good Taurus, like yourself, you would probably like nothing better than going to the grocery store and planning a little bit of a feast for the boat this weekend. Just don't let your mouth get bigger than either your wallet or your stomach. And it does look like it will be a good weekend ahead for you.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The deal is this, dear Gemini friend, you are going through yet another "rough phase" where it just seems like everyone is out to cut you down. Not me! The beneficial side of this week is that there is certain things you can be doing, probably at work, which will yield great rewards. The difficulty is that you are being forced to do this work without recognition right now. Just think to yourself about how you will be recognized later, and that ought to help.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: There's this old cowboy axiom which might serve you well this week: the only way around a rock and hard place is through it. What does this koan mean? Well, you are face to face with cleaning up some miserable stuff at work, and the only way to deal with that is to get on with the troubles at hand. You will find that you are remarkably ambitious right now, there just seems to be a whole lot of obstacles in your way. Like the learned cowboy says, "just go through it." You will realize rewards even before the end of the week.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Now that the nice planet Venus has moved on, you are still operating under a Martian influence and this means you feel like you are in overdrive, hydroplaning along. Not to mix metaphors, but you will want to remember that a herd of a thousand cows begins with a single bull. And that's what you are like this week, aggressively pursuing everything romantic in sight. Don't let your behavior get too aggressive, either because some folks don't cotton to that sort of thing. Fishing is highly recommended as an activity this coming weekend. Just don't use a harpoon.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Venus enters your tropical zodiac sign this week. Good news, I hope. She brings all sorts of calming and benevolent juice with her. In fact, she is a harbinger of love, if that isn't already a happening thing for you. This calming effect is great because frenetic Mercury has you all stirred up. But that's another kettle of fish for your to fry. Speaking of that, it's time to consider getting out the winter ice fishing gear, too, for those of you in the far northern climates.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: It's a happy birthday to early Libra's, and there's a special "howdy" going out to one lucky Libra and his famous hat. Imagine a business feller, all dressed up, except for a really old and tired Stetson hat on his head. Looks like there will be some good changes in the business climate this week. Something you have worked hard to achieve will begin to pay off in a big way. Sort of like winning the lottery, only different. I just wish he would get a new hat.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: I hope I never get stuck in a fishing boat with only a Scorpio for company. They all seem to think that I have it in for them. I don't; it just looks that way. The good news is that this week, there is nothing negative about about Scorpio. Nothing bad to report. There's a little asteroid in your section of the sky which is making all the Scorpio's a little more incisive these days, but then, this is not not behavior for Scorpio's. Just be careful with that acid wit -- you could hurt some one.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Virgo is not a common theme to a Sagittarius. But it does seem to be a common theme right now. You will find that you are a lot more grounded and a lot more concerned with the real world these days. Relax a little bit and take a day or two off. The week starts out with a lot of minor frustrations but ends on a hopeful note. Good fishing this weekend, or whatever sports related activities you like. Me? I would definitely recommend taking the weekend off and heading to the lake with your tackle box.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: I was going to give you this week's information as "good news, bad news," but so many Capricorn's refuse to listen to the good news so I'll just skip that part. Although you feel exceptionally lucky right now, it isn't a good week to buy lottery tickets (but if you do win, I would love 1%), nor is it a good week to go to the track or play poker. If there were any good news, it would have to do wit the fact that your intuitive facilities are heightened and your ability to recognize patterns are better than ever before. The problem you have with this is making use of your new-found discernment.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: What a good week this, for the mighty water barer. There is nothing that is so detrimental, though, than to find an Aquarius without any serious challenges, and that's what the story is this week. There are no challenges facing you this week. Everything is going okay. And it doesn't matter what you touch, you will find that it all seems to fall into place, at just the right time. Now, there are some problems coming up at the first of next week, so get as much out of the way as possible, this week. Don't just sit around and feel good--do something.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Well, my dear Pisces friend, there are still some lingering notions about making a lot of money, you just feel like another bad country and western song this week because "your get up and go just got up and went." Don't blame me, I just report what I see in the heavens. The problem you face this week is an apathy. You just don't seem to care, and after the long and hard road you've been on, that's okay. Just don't let it effect you too much.

Week of: September 23-29
Mercury does an about face, to borrow from the military terminology, but that doesn't mean that the problems are over. At least not yet. As one of my lawyers always says, "It's a Virgo thing."

Aries [3/23-4/20]: My dear Aries friend, you've got a half birthday right about now. And that's a good thing. The problem is that you also feel like you are adrift in boat that is leaking. The leaks wouldn't be a problem except that one of them is at the front of the boat and the other is at the rear. Don't give up the ship but be aware that you will feel like all hope is lost. It ain't, you just need to redefine your goals, cut your losses and get on with what's coming up ahead.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: You are going to feel like some one has been rattling your teeth, sort of like a monster picked you up and shook you really good. What's this mean ion the real world? Just because that pesky little Mercury is no longer having a dire effect on your life doesn't mean that there are still some consequences that you need to deal with. News like this never makes me popular, and if you need to complain about the stars, my virtual mailbox is always open. As a Taurus, look on the bright side, things aren't nearly as bad as they wear last year.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Between all the oddball bit of gravel in the sky, and the ongoing debate as to whether Pluto is a planet (it is) or an asteroid, you might feel like this is one, long, dark mean alley of a week. It's not really that bad. It just feels that way this week. It's like the old saying goes, about "taking it one day at a time," and you obviously are sure that the Universe has cooked up a potent stew which has several days attacking you all at once. Don't shoot me, I'm not the cook, just a cooking critic. See? I'm on your side.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: If you really followed my usual advice for times like these, you would have never come out of the house, and if you had never come out of the house, you wouldn't be in another fine mess, like you've gotten us into this time. The problem with Cancers is that they rarely, if ever, follow my advice. Work, is, as usual, a big deal this week, but you already knew that. Go and make lots of money this week. That'll make you feel happier about the sad state of other affairs.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: The good news is that the dynamic duo of Mars and Venus are still playing tag with you, and that means romance is still in the air. As is money. The problems which have cropped up in the last few weeks, though, still need a degree of resolution in your life. Now, this would be a good week to get the old bass boat out, and head on down to the lake for an extended fishing party. You don't need to worry about what every one else is fretting about. Remember, it always makes points with your date if you bait her hook. Cosmobiology is still working on the facts behind this one.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: It's about time to roll up your sleeves and get to work cleaning up after that huge party you just had with those two celestial objects in your corner of the sky. Now that Mercury, sometimes the planet associated with the rulership of Virgo, is not causing any further difficulties, it is time to get back to work. You are probably at the end of three week period where it feels like nothing has gone right. One letter writer called it a "bad hair lifetime." I wouldn't be so negative. Just the usual culprit, and the mischief is over.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: We've got all sorts of nifty things coming up this week for Libra, but the real question is, "did you make any hasty and unplanned decisions last week?" Because whatever got started last week will probably have to be redone this week. or next week. Be that as it may, you are still in great shape, at this point, to forge ahead. The Sun rolls into Libra this week, too, so it's birthday time. Couldn't be better, now that Mercury is off our collective backsides.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Dear sweet, benevolent Scorpio, the best is coming up. Once again, I use my tired and worn phrase, "tedious balance" because it is something that you need to try to achieve this week. With that goal in mind, you can win the metaphorical "Bass Tournament in the Sky." The deal you need to work on, though, is getting the correct weight distribution in your boat. Not too much weight in the front, but make sure there's enough to hold it down when you are cruising really fast. And not too much on either the port or starboard side, either, try to keep an even keel.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Insight abounds this week, and what you can do is take all of that information on your own inner self that collected over the last few weeks, and tell the world. Of course, unless you are part of the miasma that calls itself the World Wide Web, maybe not a lot of people are going to hear you. But it's worth a try. Remember that you are attempting to share cosmic truths. Just remember that your fishing partner, Bubba, might be some what disinclined to hear about the greater verities of life, and more interested in what bait works this weekend. Try some bacon bait this weekend. Keep Bubba happy.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: This is one of those trying weeks for you poor, much beleaguered Cappy's. Life just feels like there is nothing but a serious of impossible tests. It was as if you have been an examination, pass or fail, and you forgot to bring a #2 pencil. Or anything for that matter. In fact, you feel like they didn't even tell you what textbook to study. Now that I've made you feel really unprepared, let me tell you a secret: This life is only a test, if it were the real thing, we would be told where to go and what to do. Get the message? You are not really being tested. Just feels that way.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: William James is quoted as once saying, "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." Why would I call this to your attention this week? Be wary of just rearranging the thoughts in your head when you have been told to come up with new ideas. This is a common mistake, and since an Aquarius is anything but common, it would be a good idea to work on the new ideas, not just rearranging mental furniture.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: H.L. Mencken once observed that "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." Why should I call this to the attention of the much picked upon Pisces this week? Because I know that you have the gem of an idea that can make you a lot of money. And since I have (and Mencken, but he's long dead) have given you the boost to get this idea in production, you are going to give me one percent, a mere 1% of the royalties. It's all profit because you are in position to market something better than anyone else. You heard it here first.

Week of: September 16-22

Aries [3/23-4/20]: There's this two-bit character in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida, his name is Thersites, and he's a bitter old fart who wanders around making pointed comments at the expense of other characters' sanity. You need some one like Thrusts to wander through your life this week, and make a pointed comment about what's going on in your life, little bon mots like, "What, lost in the labyrinth of thy fury?" (III.i.1-2) See? Don't you feel better now that I've pointed out that you are mad and you're not going to take it anymore?

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: You're really in trouble when your life begins to resemble a good country and western song. And that's exactly how you feel this week. I would warn you about unexpected changes in local scenery, especially on the relationship area, wherein you experience sudden turmoil replaced by sudden calm. I've never been in a hurricane, but I've suffered the weather, being a little bit further inland. You've got the same thing working for you--sudden storm, sudden calm. Enjoy the ride.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Actually, for a Gemini,this is a good week, at least, as good as a week can be when Mercury is doing the backward stumble. Slow everything down. Take a deep breath. Say to yourself, "It's just them darn planets." Repeat three times as necessary. Try to develop some patience. (Hah!) Write long and complaining letters to your favorite astrologer, FGSKramer@aol.com. Whatever you do, don't try to set anything in motion that will last for a long time. Not right now.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: If it's not one thing, then it's always something else, now isn't it? The money making stuff, work as some people call it, is going rather well, except for the the little hiccups we associate with that darn Mercury thing. The way this shakes out, for this week, if you are an early Cancer, work is a big issue, and if you are a late Cancer, typos are a big issue. One way or another, it's a too hot of a week. I would plan an extended weekend full of fishing, if I were you.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: While everyone else is suffering with the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune, you will find that you are uniquely aspected for several things, all of which can be good. There is the usual "Mercury is retrograde" label on everything, but with all the positive energy you've buillt and have managed to maintain, you will be rolling right along this week. Love, or money, is destined to come your way this week. Remember, I told you first.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Mercury is often associated with sign of Virgo. Mercury is doing a hot little dance step with the Sun this week. The problem is that the two celestial objects are on different rhythms, and that makes for a unique dance step. Another way of looking at this dance would collision course. Most Virgo's worry excessively about gloomy subjects, and Mercury will reverse itself and make all of this mess okay before too long, but until then, if I wear in your boots, I world worry needlessly about minute details. Someone's got to do it.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: The god news is another one of those long cycles is slowly drawing to a close. Kind of like an old television series which has run for too long (and lost its ratings), you feel like you've got some things happening in your life that are no longer interesting. Just not the same. No fun any more. You are not alone, either. But since this is a time of great inward reflection, I would recommend a long meditation in a boat, far from the noise of the city, a place where you can really meditate without being bothered by telephones, computers, sales people, and that sort of distraction. The good times start up again. Later. Right now, "concentrate on yourself."

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: The good news is that your intellectual appetite gets a big boost this week. The bad news is that your stomach's appetite gets a big boost, too. So while you are eating away, consider that you are avoiding some kind of intellectual problem. While this may sound like an obsessive disorder, I would tend to regard it as a phase you are going through. In fact, the physical appetite may subside by the end of the week, but the intellectual hunger will continue for a while.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Go back and read Scorpio for this week, then consider that the usual answer, when face to face with this question about "food or book" is not really a question for a Sagittarius. Book wins every time. This is a good week for reading bodice ripper romance stories. Get some new ideas going about romance. Looking for something with a sweaty, over-developed male on the cover, you know the kind. With all the positive momentum you've started to develop, an insignificant planet like Mercury isn't going to slow you down this week.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Okay, listen up. We're going to talk about feelings this week. I don't care if my ex is reading this, I've got some rock solid news for Cappy's this week: You will find that you can communicate your feeling very well this week. There is an emotional honesty which you haven't felt in a long time, like maybe a month or more, that really shines this week. The problems arise when you try to communicate this emotional honesty with other people. Doesn't work. don't worry about it, either. At least you know where stand much better now.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: The only thing I would warn you poor old Aquarius souls about this week is that domestic dispute, that is, if you have anything like a domestic life, will be a problem. It's not a "for sure" problem area, but I would wager that between the odd ball planet doing the retrograde and the powerful love planets of Mars and Venus opposite you, that will feel a certain amount of STRESS in your relationships. Especially anything involving romance. Bet I just lost all my good Aquarius readers, too. Sorry about that. I just looks at them stars and says what they says.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Oh Dear Lord, I know how you hate to work. And I humbly regret, but there was a few things that I just didn't foresee about work: the ugly stuff is coming up again for my dear Pisces friends. Looks like you are supposed to be in two places at once this weekend. Can't do that? Well, best you try, dear Pisces, because there is a lot of money to be made. Clone yourself. Do something. Do something drastic.

Week of: September 9-15

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside."

I cribbed this quote from a the liner notes for a piece of software in the
mid-80s, but it is attributed to an InfoWorld columnist, named Robert C. Cringly.
Mercury in full retrograde action, I'd wager you've had computer modem problems
this week. I have.

    Aries [3/23-4/20]: It ain't none too often that I can start a Monday mourning
    session like this, but it just gets better and better as the week unfolds.
    Really. Trust me. If it doesn't feel like things are really taking off in
    a good way
    by, say Wednesday, then email me at FGSKramer@aol.com, and we'll talk. But
    there is great big and beautiful planetary configuration which means you
    can make things
    happen this week. While everyone else is cursing about Mercury being retrograde,
    push forward with new momentum. You've got it, use it.

    Taurus [4/21-5/22]:
    Okay, so we got a problem this week with self-discipline. If you can get
    over the fact that you feel good this week, and if you can
    get past the idea that you need to redecorate, you might get something done.
    hassles this week come from that pesky planet doing it's backward dance,
    and especially now, because Mercury has moved into another earth sign: Virgo.
    count on Virgo's being of much assistance this week, either. Nope, just try
    and get as much done as possible, but remember: don't redecorate this week.

    Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Talk about you tough times! You will probably feel like
    everyone is testing what you do right now. And if no one else is testing
    you, then you will probably be testing yourself. That's the tough news. The
    pesky problem is that Mercury thing that I've warned you about in the past,
    since communication is so important to you, it's real hassle right now. Make
    an effort to be careful about what you say or write. Even talking on the
    telephone can get you in a world of hurt right now.

    Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Now that Mars, that old god of war, has left your sign, I'm
    going to try the subliminal advertising again (you want to buy me a bass
    boat). In the meantime, other than the usual stern warnings I have for Mercury
    there isn't too much in a bad way that is happening. And since you never
    listen to
    me talk about buying a boat for me, maybe this is the week to start shopping
    for a new car for yourself. The planets say "shop away!" They also say, "Don't
    buy this week, but shop till you drop!"

    Leo [7/23-8/23]: Romance is in the air, and that's not all that is up. The problem
    with the planetary influences on us mere mortals is that our communications
    get screwed up with this stuff. But you ought to be feeling great about some
    special. You know, that special snookums in your life? Just remember, for
    all your amorous feelings right now, it isn't a good time to communicate. So
    you do is try to find expression through some other means. My big hint is
    to send flowers.

    Virgo [8/24-9/23]: The good news is that we are still celebrating Virgo Birthdays!
    The bad news that the littlest planet that most of Astrologers ever fool
    around with is doing a bit of headache routine and it's now in Virgo. The central
    theme this week will the usual Virgo tendency toward perfectionism, and the
    that arises from that is the Universe is trying pretty hard to make it impossible
    to get every thing right. Double check your work this week, as if you don't
    that anyway, and try to catch all the errors. A message like that ought to
    thrill the Virgo's.

    Libra [9/24-10/23]: Look on the bright side: the pesky persistent problem of
    potentially fatal mistakes is passed. And while most Astrologers will tell
    you not to sign legal documents at this time, I will tell you no such thing.
    do be prepared otherwise: try to proof read everything before it leaves the
    office. and put off looking for new fishing gear right now.

    Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Imagine this: a Scorpio who is withdrawn and not too willing
    to Sahara his or her feelings. Imagine a Scorpio with a tremendous appetite.
    Imagine that both these things are going on this week, first the withdrawn
    and sullen side, and then the more rapacious (hungry, too) outgoing side. Still,
    there is an undercurrent that you need to hide something from the world this
    week. I wouldn't worry about it. Astrologers don't know everything, and I'm
    not going to tell a soul about you. Not this week.

    Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: There's this great scene in Shakespeare's ANTONY AND
    CLEOPATRA wherein a messenger approaches Cleo with the news that her lover
    has shacked up with someone else: "To punish me for what you make me do/Seems
    unequal." (II.v.99-101)
    What does this mean to you? don't shoot me, I'm only the guy with the message.
    This is important this week because Sagittarius has a lot of important messages
    from the heavens showing up this week. Now pay attention to what I said...

    Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Big doings this week as old flames come crawling out
    of the woodwork to make you life a living form of punishment. You will find
    that those "old flames" which should be cold embers by now, have found a sudden
    breath of fresh air and been fanned to make them really, really bright. Tough
    call for
    you guys. I would get prepared to duck. Who sings that song, with the lyrics
    which go something like this: "Ain't no luck/I learned to duck"?

    Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Curiosity killed the cat, is the way the old saying goes,
    but what they never tell you is that the darn cat has nine lives. If that
    isn't enough of a mixed metaphorical image for you, how about just a fair
    about getting too curious about some one's business that really shouldn't
    be poking
    you own nose into? Keep to yourself, read a self help book, but don't do
    any detective work, as much as you want to -- it will avail you naught.

    Pisces [2/19-3/22]: The week starts out with the last vestiges of romance lingering
    in the air, and since darn near all Pisces are completely unfazed by a Retrograde
    Mercury, you don't have any problems this week. I hate to sound like the
    girl in Cosmo, but, there are no problems for you this week. Love goes humming
    along (what a tasty image that is) and work is there, if you should be so

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