Week of: September 9-15

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside."

I cribbed this quote from a the liner notes for a piece of software in the
mid-80s, but it is attributed to an InfoWorld columnist, named Robert C. Cringly.
Mercury in full retrograde action, I'd wager you've had computer modem problems
this week. I have.

    Aries [3/23-4/20]: It ain't none too often that I can start a Monday mourning
    session like this, but it just gets better and better as the week unfolds.
    Really. Trust me. If it doesn't feel like things are really taking off in
    a good way
    by, say Wednesday, then email me at FGSKramer@aol.com, and we'll talk. But
    there is great big and beautiful planetary configuration which means you
    can make things
    happen this week. While everyone else is cursing about Mercury being retrograde,
    push forward with new momentum. You've got it, use it.

    Taurus [4/21-5/22]:
    Okay, so we got a problem this week with self-discipline. If you can get
    over the fact that you feel good this week, and if you can
    get past the idea that you need to redecorate, you might get something done.
    hassles this week come from that pesky planet doing it's backward dance,
    and especially now, because Mercury has moved into another earth sign: Virgo.
    count on Virgo's being of much assistance this week, either. Nope, just try
    and get as much done as possible, but remember: don't redecorate this week.

    Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Talk about you tough times! You will probably feel like
    everyone is testing what you do right now. And if no one else is testing
    you, then you will probably be testing yourself. That's the tough news. The
    pesky problem is that Mercury thing that I've warned you about in the past,
    since communication is so important to you, it's real hassle right now. Make
    an effort to be careful about what you say or write. Even talking on the
    telephone can get you in a world of hurt right now.

    Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Now that Mars, that old god of war, has left your sign, I'm
    going to try the subliminal advertising again (you want to buy me a bass
    boat). In the meantime, other than the usual stern warnings I have for Mercury
    there isn't too much in a bad way that is happening. And since you never
    listen to
    me talk about buying a boat for me, maybe this is the week to start shopping
    for a new car for yourself. The planets say "shop away!" They also say, "Don't
    buy this week, but shop till you drop!"

    Leo [7/23-8/23]: Romance is in the air, and that's not all that is up. The problem
    with the planetary influences on us mere mortals is that our communications
    get screwed up with this stuff. But you ought to be feeling great about some
    special. You know, that special snookums in your life? Just remember, for
    all your amorous feelings right now, it isn't a good time to communicate. So
    you do is try to find expression through some other means. My big hint is
    to send flowers.

    Virgo [8/24-9/23]: The good news is that we are still celebrating Virgo Birthdays!
    The bad news that the littlest planet that most of Astrologers ever fool
    around with is doing a bit of headache routine and it's now in Virgo. The central
    theme this week will the usual Virgo tendency toward perfectionism, and the
    that arises from that is the Universe is trying pretty hard to make it impossible
    to get every thing right. Double check your work this week, as if you don't
    that anyway, and try to catch all the errors. A message like that ought to
    thrill the Virgo's.

    Libra [9/24-10/23]: Look on the bright side: the pesky persistent problem of
    potentially fatal mistakes is passed. And while most Astrologers will tell
    you not to sign legal documents at this time, I will tell you no such thing.
    do be prepared otherwise: try to proof read everything before it leaves the
    office. and put off looking for new fishing gear right now.

    Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Imagine this: a Scorpio who is withdrawn and not too willing
    to Sahara his or her feelings. Imagine a Scorpio with a tremendous appetite.
    Imagine that both these things are going on this week, first the withdrawn
    and sullen side, and then the more rapacious (hungry, too) outgoing side. Still,
    there is an undercurrent that you need to hide something from the world this
    week. I wouldn't worry about it. Astrologers don't know everything, and I'm
    not going to tell a soul about you. Not this week.

    Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: There's this great scene in Shakespeare's ANTONY AND
    CLEOPATRA wherein a messenger approaches Cleo with the news that her lover
    has shacked up with someone else: "To punish me for what you make me do/Seems
    unequal." (II.v.99-101)
    What does this mean to you? don't shoot me, I'm only the guy with the message.
    This is important this week because Sagittarius has a lot of important messages
    from the heavens showing up this week. Now pay attention to what I said...

    Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Big doings this week as old flames come crawling out
    of the woodwork to make you life a living form of punishment. You will find
    that those "old flames" which should be cold embers by now, have found a sudden
    breath of fresh air and been fanned to make them really, really bright. Tough
    call for
    you guys. I would get prepared to duck. Who sings that song, with the lyrics
    which go something like this: "Ain't no luck/I learned to duck"?

    Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Curiosity killed the cat, is the way the old saying goes,
    but what they never tell you is that the darn cat has nine lives. If that
    isn't enough of a mixed metaphorical image for you, how about just a fair
    about getting too curious about some one's business that really shouldn't
    be poking
    you own nose into? Keep to yourself, read a self help book, but don't do
    any detective work, as much as you want to -- it will avail you naught.

    Pisces [2/19-3/22]: The week starts out with the last vestiges of romance lingering
    in the air, and since darn near all Pisces are completely unfazed by a Retrograde
    Mercury, you don't have any problems this week. I hate to sound like the
    girl in Cosmo, but, there are no problems for you this week. Love goes humming
    along (what a tasty image that is) and work is there, if you should be so

Week of: September 2-8

    With two astrological events going this week, I have a real historical question
    for the legions of of the FGS Faithful, a history question and great quote
    to start off this week:

    Who said "Kill them all and let God sort them out"? This question was sent in by an alert reader from Waco, which I'm sure is just another happy coincidence. Name the speaker and get a free "El-cheapo el charto el reporto" from
    FGS World Headquarters.

    Speaking of happy coincidences, and in line with this week's quote, Mercury goes
    backwards, starting the every fateful and overly dreaded Mercury Retrograde time.
    My faithful editor, BenBubba@aol.com, has numerous problems
    editing my text at times like this because mercury RX means rgsr wcwergubg fiwa
    rf agur.

    On a much happier note, the lucky star, Jupiter (which is actually a planet,
    but that's another story) goes direct, ending a summer long hiatus to the real
    estate market and signaling all sorts of goodness. Right. Ask Mercury about that.

    Aries [3/23-4/20]: Mercury (the planet, not the outboard motor) is now retrograde
    opposite you. That's the problem. In fact, there are several "unusual" aspects
    going on this week so I would advise a little caution, especially when dealing
    with that extra work load this week. What's this planetary movement mean to
    you? Watch out for parts that come flying off outboard motors, and especially,
    careful with electricity. One Aries fishing friend, as an example, had his
    trolling motor just quit for no apparent reason. It's them pesky planets again.

    Taurus [4/21-5/22]: Whilst I'm warning all the other signs about bad stuff in
    the planets, I'm telling you that there aren't going to be too many problems,
    at least, not at the first of the week. Then, by mid-week, the whole thing goes
    in the dumpster. The only truly uplifting note is that you will survive in a
    fine fashion.

    Gemini [5/23-6/21]: You're face to face with another one of them weeks when
    it feels like everything is all wrong. One teacher says, "If you handle this constructively, a lot of good can come out of it...." and
    not that I want to thumb my nose at any teacher, but getting a Gemini to do
    any hard work IS hard work. Therefore, I must sadly predict that not much is
    to come out of this week. You'll finds yourself frustrated with work. You're
    going to be forceful when you should be apologetic. And so on. I warned you,
    but did you listen?

    Cancer [6/22-7/22]: I sure hope you've got a firm grip on your hat because with
    the sudden changes in the winds of fate, you might find yourself chasing your
    poor hat across the lake. From low to high, in such a sudden shift, it's amazing
    comeback you've staged. And that new romance should be coasting along right nice
    by now because there is an added degree of stability. That's what all the feuding
    was about last week. Now, if we can just get you to hold onto your hat.

    Leo [7/23-8/23]: Venus comes dragging her sorry little butt in to your sign
    this week. For most, this is a good thing, but for the majestic Leo, a puny
    little "feminist" planet like Venus can only serve as an irritant. Like the proverbial "burr under your saddle," Venus
    is here to remind you that in the Mayan Calendar, a stout Venus conjunction
    was a good time for war. So much for peace and harmony out of this planet.
    Love or
    war, on of the two, but you've got a good week ahead for you, provided you
    don't let yourself be seduced by the planet's charm.

    Virgo [8/24-9/23]: I've got an ex who is Virgo, and if that person is reading
    this, I hope she has a very happy birthday. The only reason I can publicly acknowledge
    her birthday now is because I could never remember it when we were dating --
    an attribute of being male, I guess. Virgo birthdays are in full swing and this
    actually a pretty good time for you guys and gals. I would be careful with driving
    the boats on the lake, I wouldn't want any of you Virgo's to drink too much and
    motor around at the lake because remember (this is important on a birthday week):
    alcohol and water don't mix.

    Libra [9/24-10/23]: Well, the worst of it has just hit. I realize I should have
    prepared you better for the week, but it snuck up on me too: Mercury begins and
    ends it's backwards spiral in Libra. And that little clown figure in the sky
    is doing his dead-level best to upset just about everything you touch, be that
    at home, at work, or at play. Don't let the little gremlins get you down, my
    dear Libra friend because this is a fleeting influence and won't be around very
    long. A little introspection, and perhaps a second look at what you were doing
    will help.

    Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Once again, there is a generally lighter attitude this
    week as many pejorative influence move away from you. The usual Mercury Retrograde
    stuff applies, but with all the nice things happening to Scorpio right now, this
    little Mercury thing will slide right off your back. Perhaps that's not a good
    image to use because precious few Scorpio's can leave a nice exposed back alone
    -- they're always putting the figurative knife in.

    Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Talk about a quick mental tune up. Just as the planets
    are about to fall into evil disarray, there is a short burst of tremendously
    clear insight. That one moment when you can see where all the fish in the lake
    are, that one time when you know absolutely what the right bait. That one time
    when your brain works just like automatic fish finder and EVERYTHING is in focus.
    The problem being is that shortly after this clarity, you go back to being a
    clumsy Sagittarius.

    Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: The only thing I would fret about this week, if I were
    a Cappy, is money. You've got some great ideas, but nothing seems to be going
    your way just yet. Therein lies the problem, "Where in?" you ask. Right there.
    Mercury is going backwards so nothing is going to go your way for another couple
    of weeks. Of course, all of this will change next week, so stay tuned. The
    'making money' problem is going away faster than that. In fact, by the end
    of the week,
    you should be back in fine shape, more or less.

    Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Remember last January? It was long time ago, and it wasn't
    a happy time. Best of the wishes for the new year, and nothing seemed to work
    out. Why bother you with a quick history lesson? Looks like there is something
    that you didn't do last January which is back to haunt you like a bad penny.
    Some business deal, something at work, more than likely, although, if you had
    an affair, that would bounce up in your face right now, too. Just thought I'd
    warn you.

    Pisces [2/19-3/22]: This is setting up to be a thoroughly unpleasant Mercury
    Retrograde for you. That's the bad news. The good news is even better because,
    the bad stuff doesn't start until NEXT week, and the even better news is that
    this usual three week period will only effect you for two weeks. So there's plenty
    of good news in there, just for my special Pisces friends, and you know who you

Week of: August 26-September 1

Two for the price of one (and considering this all free, what a deal!):

Name the character, the act number, the scene number, and, of course, the play, and receive a complimentary FGS style (ain't no others like it) astrology report for free! Emailed right to your virtual bass boat from here at FGS World Headquarters.

"Go, wind, to wind, there turn and change together.
My love with words and errors still she feeds,
But edifies another with her deeds."

(Troilus in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida [V.iii.110-2])

It's that Virgo time of the year again, as the Sun is slowly creeping past a really sensitive point in every Virgo's chart. To make matters worse, we're all just coming off of a nasty Pluto square the Sun thing. Looks like the Republicans might win. Then again, there's always hope in this mud slinging contest. For less rhetoric and more straight astrological news, keep your computer tuned to the channel with all the news that's fit to print. Updates at once, too!

Aries: I'll bet you are starting to get tired of the song and dance skit that I do about work, "You've got lots of work heading your way; be glad that you're an Aries...." See? Two steps to the right, dip, then two steps to the left, sway, it's all so nice and choreographed. And that's what your life feel like right now, as if it were choreographed. Work still seems to be eating up too much of your time, but you'll survive in a fine fashion.

Taurus: This is a good week for you Taurus types because you've been waiting for a period of time in which many of aspects of your life start to run smoothly. For some strange reason, the idea of children keeps popping up this week. Since the word "children" can encompass a rather broad range, I would tend to look at this as if you are making, getting, having, or looking after children. And this is most pronounced this week. In any case, it's a good week, and you feel better than you have in a long time.

Gemini: We move from a good period of time into a less than wonderful period of time as work frustrations start to plague you. You will find that one of the Gemini's 43 voices is being told to shut up. While this wouldn't normally be a problem, there is an inherent frustration which can rise this week from that poor single voice being told to be quiet. The trick at a time like this is to maintain one's sense of integrity and realize that the poor Gemini will be allowed to shine in the future. This week's frustration will pass.

Cancer: Love is in the air, in truly big way. The problem you got this week is that you are likely as not to be caught in a fantasy dream land, and when you do get caught, just to make the whole situation worse, you will have your short down around your ankles. Now this doesn't have to happen. If you can keep a tight rein on reality, and not spend too much time day-dreaming, you might avoid this unfortunate experience. Please tell me I was not right about this one.

Leo: Leo is a fire sign, in traditional Western Astrology, and this fire indicates a high degree of passion. Lots of Leo's are passionate. There is also another problem with it, though, and poor Leo is a fixed sign, too. This week, besides making money, it is a time to be careful about rash and sudden decisions. Impulses are not the same thing as an intuitive insight. This is not a good week to stand up in the fishing boat. In fact, as much as you want to rock the boat, this ain't a good week for any sudden and impetuous ideas.

Virgo: I'll give you a hint because you've been nice to me: there is an upcoming event in Virgo that is going to make you unhappy. It's the Mercury Retrograde thing, and the problem is that it hits you real hard because in some books, Mercury is your "ruler" which means it has a lot a more effect when it does its tailspin in your sign. My prediction is that you are already feeling this way right now. Get ready for the real stuff to hit the fan, and remember that whatever hits the fan is never evenly distributed.

Libra: There looks like there is a sudden upswing in your popularity right about now. Actually, this effect may have been slowly building over a period of time, but you will no doubt notice this week. There is one minor and irritating problem, and that's pesky mercury doing his retrograde thing coming up. The problem is that he starts his backward spin in YOUR sign, so you feel like you are a bit of a victim of the whims of the stars, the odd gods of the galaxy, and whatever else you might ascribe luck and chance to. The best thing to do is to carry on as if you didn't notice this small interruption, and continue on as if there were no problems at all.

Scorpio: Talk about some one with luck! This is not, by any stretch of the imagination, considered a lucky time in traditional astrology. However, from my own observations, you Scorpio's and myself might be on the verge of a big breakthrough because you seem to be having the best luck possible. Maybe it's because every one else is doing so poorly, or maybe there are some other difficulties out there. You should ride this good wave as far as it will take you. In fact, the waves are so nice, you might want to consider surf fishing.

Sagittarius: There are some needs that you have for greater emotional security which aren't being met this week. In fact, you might become a little strident in giving voice to your needs for this security. Shopping is not really an answer to the question, either. Sure, a little retail therapy can sublimate you problems for a short time, but it doesn't answer the long term need. By the end of the week, you should be back in rare form, but I would try and be cognizant that there are some big doin's up in the sky, and you are going to be face to face with BIG changes pretty soon.

Capricorn: We're still doing the tough money thing this week. Tough Money sounds like a self-help encounter group thing, sort of like Tough Love, only, this is financial and real, not a group lead by rent-a-friend. Here's the scoop: the stars say that you are about to be double-crossed in a business deal. Since that might be a little too specific, just be careful about little details, like your paycheck, and make sure that all the deductions your employer takes are legitimate. If this isn't the case, I'm sure you will be kind enough to let me know.

Aquarius: Remember that one big earthquake? Well, there is going to be a similar experience in your own, personal life, and it will have the same effect, that is, one of great upheaval and confusion followed by a period of rebuilding your life. and it happens right about now. Like this week. As in now. You will probably start off the week a little blue, and then this quake-like experience hits, and you will be radically transformed by the event. Let me know about it.

Pisces: One great idea for this week would be: home furnishings. You need some new things around the house. Grab last week's Sunday paper and start looking through the ads. I sure wish I could get a commission on the money you are about to spend. You will find, though, that you need to be quick about this because you want to get the purchases out of the way before the planets fall in evil disarray next week.

Week of: August 19-25

In my
stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness.
Some are [born] great, some [achieve] greatness and
some have greatness thrust upon 'em.

Malvolio in Shakespeare's 12th Night (II.v.143-6).

Talk about greatness this week, we've got some planets which are stirring stuff up. Mars and Venus are still playing fast and loose in Cancer, and Pluto has just turned around to start making for a hot ending to this summer.

As long as we are addressing quote from Shakespeare, especially quotes about greatness, figure out who said this, in what play, and what scene and act number, and get an "El-Cheapo" Astrology Chart emailed to your virtual doorstep for free.

"What studied torments, tyrant, hast for me?
What wheels? Racks? Fires? What flaying? Boiling
In leads or oils?"

Paulina in Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale (III.ii.177-9)

Aries: Cardinal signs, that means you, are all under an undue amount of social pressure this week.,. In fact, my dear Aries friend, this week feels like there are too many social obligations and not enough time to get them all done. Work or play? Which is more important? Of course, since I am NOT a cardinal sign, I don't have this problem and I will continue to play. But you might forgo the fish fry in order to work late.

Taurus: It looks like you've got some unexpected and surprisingly good new romantic involvement this week, and I sure hope that this is good news for you. The problem with the word "unexpected" is that now that I've warned you about it, maybe it won't be so unexpected. One dear friend has cautioned me about tempting fate, but then, I like to live on the edge. Besides, if you're not living on the edge, then you're taking up too much space.

Gemini: Home improvement is a big issue this week. Thinking about sprucing the place up? Stop pining for the old ways, and get with a new project. Housecleaning is a good place to start. But lest we let the wood metaphor get to ingrained, because it will grow on you, don't try to cut across the grain this week because it won't work. You will find that the old stuff just doesn't float anymore and you need to get rid of the deadwood.

Cancer: Cardinal signs start out the week with an inordinate amount of pressure to perform. You feel like you get the worst of it in your relationship with Bubba or Bubbette, whatever the case may be. While this is a new romance for you, or it FEELS like a new romance, continue onward through the parent emotional fog. There's a light just up head, a signpost, and you can see that the hard work is starting to pay off. It should be paying off. (If it isn't paying off, you aren't sending me enough money.)

Leo: There's a central theme this week as the Sun rolls out of the Party Animal sign and into the Accountant sign. That theme would be money. Making money. Lots of it. While this is a little more along the lines of traditional astrology, you just wrapped up a month long party, and now is the time to get down to work. In fact, the stars (really just one star) are shining brightly on you. You will find that even your boss/employer is forgiving and jovial during this next week.

Virgo: Okay, so it's party time for Virgo as the sun comes merrily traipsing into your sign. Early Virgo's get a fine "Happy Birthday" from all of us (that would be me) at FGS World Headquarters. The real question, though, for the Virgo's this week is "Who put the hyphen in Anal-Retentive?" I hope you have a nice week--you deserve it!

Libra: you seem to start out the week with an inordinately large appetite. Find some happy hour buffet where you can graze. Better yet, land yourself someplace where you can assist some one in getting rid of all them leftovers. you'd be much happier, and none of that food would have gone to waste. Well, maybe your waist, but that's another story.

Scorpio: You'll like this: everyone else is having a rough time this week. Not that I would ever characterize a Scorpio as being mean or petty, but I have one out there who still seems to hate me. In the spirit of love and cooperation, here's a fine Sag "hello" back to my old rival. And here's to hoping that this is a good week for you because the stars suggest that it will be a fine week to be a Scorpio.

Sagittarius: It's another week to have one of those little "chats" with us Archer types about the effects of Pluto on our sign. Transformation is a key word here, and fortunately, we like change. Watch out for the other signs this week which means you probably have fishing partner who THINKS he knows more than you do. Especially about bait. Look: this is an ever present discussion, but you need to rely on what your own instincts tell you. Me? I would suggest live bait this week.

Capricorn: What a strange week this is going to be because you are face to face with innumerable obstacles. It's like some old dead German guy says, though, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger." Great words of wisdom, huh? E-mail me your birth data (DOB, TOB, POB) if you can correctly identify that philosopher and I'll send you a detailed report about yourself. Something like an FGS report will help add a degree of levity to your week. You're going to need it.

Aquarius: Feels a like a Douglas Adams' title* these days, now doesn't it? The good news is that the Sun is now NOT opposite you, and things at work are starting to get better. By the middle of the week, there is something brewing at work which will bring you some degree of joy and happiness. And after what you've been through lately, this should be a welcome relief.
*The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul

Pisces: Looks like the work is a struggle again this week, and I'll wager the the problem is one of your so-called associates who thinks he has a better idea as to how to run YOUR business. The trick during a time like this is to act like you are listening, that makes them happy, and then do what you want to do because that makes you happy. Remember, though, you need to act like you care.

Week of: August 12-17

Don't you just detest astrologer who speak in cryptic riddles which become so convoluted that no one can understand a single word about what is being said, and then drag the sentences on too long because the author himself seems to think that he can write a single declarative statement which would summon up the likes of Faulkner himself?

Not that the planets are in evil dissarry or anything, but this a great week for literary quotations. Which one of Faulkner's characters, and in which book, said, "Once a bitch, always a bitch, what I say." Act now, identify that character, and receive an El-cheapo report, FGS style, for Free!

Jason Compson in The Sound and the Fury, page 223, more or less.

Aries: I like Macbeth, one of Shakespeare's tragedies. As one character slowly sinks into madness, she observes this: "'Tis safer to be that which we destroy/Than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy" (Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare's MacbethIII.ii.6-7). That's not a too hopeful message this week, but wait, it gets better. Aries, my friend, this is the week to make or break it. Other astrologers talk about new romance, and I'll tell you about hot burning lava pool of love. But exercise caution, don't let either fear or too much "past life" stuff get in your way.

Taurus: It's Laertes in Hamlet who says, "The apparel oft proclaims the man" (I.iii.72). I hope you note that I got the proper MLA citations, just to keep the academics happy. Maybe you should consider buying some new apparel this week. New window dressings for the new you that is slowly emerging. Because it's just like that character in Hamlet says....

Gemini: "Or bid the soul of Orpheus sing/Such notes as, warbled to the string,/Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek" (Milton, Il Penseroso [1631], line 105. If you don't get it, then don't worry about it. Pluto is direct again, and he's having a hey day with Gemini's. Enjoy the challenges as the summer really gets hot in several areas of your life. Remember that change is a good thing, and you don't have to shed "iron tears" just because some one else is playing havoc with YOUR LIFE.

Cancer: For you, the motivation comes from that great Roman general, Coriolanus, "Now, Mars, I prithee make us quick in work,/That smoking sword may march from hence/To help our fielded friends" (Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Coriolanus, I.iv.10-3). Mars AND Venus are playing tag with your emotional well being this week. Retail Therapy is not the answer. In fact, follow the lead of the good general and face up to the daunting work at hand. I'm just glad that fishing is my vocation, otherwise I would have to work. Which is what you need to do. Go forth and do battle, and you shall win.

Leo: It's like Leontes in Shakespeare's Winter's Tale says, "Too hot, too hot!/To mingle friendship far is mingling bloods" (I.ii.108-9). It's really too hot right now. Your summer should be a scorcher, and the trick right now is to keep from scorching some of your friends. The new moon in the middle of the week gives you an extra shot of energy, just be wary of getting things "too hot" with your friends. Exercise caution with small, low-yeild thermonuclear devices this week, too.

Virgo: How about a lesson from Jonathan Swift, one of the masters of Satire? "Yet malice never was his aim;/He lashed the vice but spared the name." (Verses on the Death of Dr. Swift [1731] line 459.) The key this week is to use your given ability to communicate effectively to motivate others towards some good. You don't want to be a mean person, and you should be very wary of using any sarcasm in hurtful way. You can win the argument this week, just do it nicely. Please?

Libra: Let's talk about love this week. "Love goes towards love as schoolboys from their books,/But love from love, toward school with heavy looks." That's what Romeo says in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet (II.ii.157-8). The reason why a love relationship is important this week is because you will find that you are balancing yourself against other peoples' responses to you. And, in your romantic relationship, this sort of response can weigh especially heavy on your mind. I would examine what your lover says to you, turn it over your mind, but not put too much emphasis on it.

Scorpio: I would look to Prospero and his books, for little bit of information this week for Scorpio: "We are such stuff/As dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep" (The Tempest, IV.i.156). There is a lot of long range planning going on right about now, and there is some short range stuff, too. don't forsake the long-term goals, at least, not yet. And trust what your dreams tell you; there is a lot of truth in your subconscious that is bubbling up to the surface.

Sagittarius: It's sweet little Miranda, in The Tempest, who reminds us of how we mighty Sagittarius might appear this week, "Your tale, sir, would cure deafness" (I.ii.106). There will be a marked tendency towards curing a lot of other peoples' deafness. We don't need to bore these poor souls with our trails and tribulations, either. We are undergoing a time of great transformation, and we ought to keep our mouths shut until the effect is over. You'll thank me later. Ah heck, I'll thank me later.

Capricorn: Well, my dear Cappy friend, it's like Griffith says in Shakespeare's King Henry the Eighth, "Men's evil manners live in brass; their virtues/We write in water" (IV.ii.46-6). You are under considerable pressure right now to perform in a relationship, and all the good things that you have done to help foster this happy union are forgotten. But you partner or mate or spouse or whatever is sure willing to bring up the bad stuff. And it's not like the dirty laundry doesn't need a little airing, it's just not a good time for you to try to respond. Do the right thing: be quiet because you probably can't win right now. Take solace in Griffith's words.

Aquarius: How about a little quote from Friedrich Nietzsche, to start the week? "Insanity in individuals is something rare, but in groups, parties, nations and epochs it is the rule." You will note that this epigram has a serious yet comical tone to it. I would consider that insanity which the author is address as being very common in your day to day observations. The problem here, my fine Aquarius friend, is that no else seems to recognize the pattern. You see it; you feel it; you can take some action. It's not a good time, though, to tilt at windmills. Just make the notes for right now.

Pisces: I like Mark Twain. I think he was a Sagittarius so of course I'm predisposed towards him. He has a nice comment from one of Pud'nhead Wilson's Calendar entries: "Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education." Now, how does this apply to Pisces? If you can just get a grip on some of what you know, it will pay off in a big way. Review your notes before making that big splash this week. "Training is everything."

Week of: August 5-11

You might be redneck if:
You think "recycling" means going home from work.
--Jeff Foxworthy

And speaking of Redneck chic, August 10th is Mule Day in Muleshoe Texas. Me? I'll be doing readings at a hotel in Austin, and I hate to miss this momentous occcasion.

Aries: I love Aries, so forthright, so forward, so "in your face." The problem we got this week is that your forward attitude needs to be a little more Inn directed, that is, work on yourself somewhat this week. Clean out the boat from the last fishing trip. Get your fishing gear in order. Get ready for some good things coming up. But be careful: if you are supposed to be working, and not fishing, don't waste the time not working. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Taurus: One quick caveat before we go any further: traditional astrology says that this is a bad week to spend money. Got that? Now, examine all them things around you, and you will find that this week starts out with your identifying more with your possessions. I'm not talking about you being materialistic, just that these items all hold special value. Bet you still have that lure which caught "the big one" back in '82 still floating around in your tackle box. Hold onto it because items like that can bring you good luck.

Gemini: Say good bye to Venus this week, and get prepared to get some hard work done. You are going into a period of time when things just don't work out like you want them to. That's the downside. The better news is that you have some lucky little breaks, like one job gets canceled, only in time for a an even better gig to come along. If you don't understand, wait until the end of the week before you fax me for help. (Kramer's fax line is always open at 512/448-0970)

Cancer: Talk about dark before the storm! The weeks starts out with a true "Monday from Hell," and lest you be worried that the week is going to continue like that, it's not! The problem is that you feel like you are wandering around in large cave, devoid of light for the first few days, and then presto (nothing up my sleeve), the Moon moves into Cancer, and there is a light everywhere. You go from emotional instability to new relationship faster than most of the drag boats which disturb our fishing. Looks good for you, just watch out for Leo's.

Leo: Stay away from old emotional Cancer's this week. You don't need to rattle their cages, except for a little fun. It's like Bear Baiting, only with a Cancer, the results are a lot more entertaining. But it isn't nice to tease the animals. So please don't. You should be in the middle of a big party, and you should get ready for some good times of the next FEW weeks, because this week is merely precursor to what's coming up with a big party headed your way.

Virgo: I hate to be sexist, and some folks have insisted that I'm more "Texist" than anything else, but this is a week for male superiors to spend more time with you, listening to your valid point of view. Doesn't get much better than that. Your boss, employer, overseer, or other person in charge of your life is more willing to be swayed by your ample use of rhetoric this week. Crank up the talk box, because Bubba, this is the week for selling your dreams. You can be very persuasive this week, if you are truly right. Which you are.

Libra: The last few weeks, months, and it's even to drag into the year category as well, have been more difficult than you would like. Of course, no obstacles is really a boring situation for you, isn't it? Anyway, there is a certain charismatic charm which you can, and do use, from time to time. Polish it up this week, because you are going to need it. And, if you polish well, there will be a reward, kind of like a Scooby Snack.

Scorpio: Have you ever thought of being of service to anyone? I guess not. You ought to consider, more than any other time, taking some of your good fortune and sharing it. The minor players in the sky are lining up and pushing you into service of some kind. If you go willingly, you will find that you are much happier. Go help Bubba clean up the boat for the next weekend. You will be happier knowing that "you helped."

Sagittarius: Every once in a while, I like to quote from great literature, especially at a time when you need some motivation. This what what Calvin says: "In my opinion, television validates existence." That in Bill Watterson's book, Scientific Progress Goes Boink (page 68). The message should be pretty clear: you are stuck between a rock and hard spot, don't know whether you should fish or cut bait, and all I can do is quote cartoons.... take a look at the lighter side of life. Don't be so serious this week.

Capricorn: Cappy's ought to feel incredibly optimistic right about now. The problem being that a Capricorn Sun in a person's chart usually indicates a certain lack of optimism. So how to resolve all these good feelings and the usual dour outlook on life? That's why the Good Lord, in Her Infinite Wisdom, created fishing. It's a good time to while away some time doing something that is both useful and fun. I suggest fishing. Just find a Virgo partner to help with the cleaning, and a good Taurus to help with the cooking.

Aquarius: "He was like an exchange student from Uranus," is what Mick says in Count Gieger's Blues (Bishop, Michael, p. 41), and that sums up this week because that's what you feel like, and exchange student from Uranus. There's that odd, otherworldly feeling that you carry around with because there are such odd things going on. It's a pity to equate you to popular culture, but I'm sure you feel like Bill (or was it Ted) who said, "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."

Pisces: The good news is that you are full of many excellent ideas this week. The bad news is that no one wants to listen to you this week. What to do? Write all those ideas down, as if you were going to stuff them all in a real suggestion box. It ain't going to happen because you couldn't win a debate with a dead fish this week. But you can store these wonderful ideas for later use. Remember: as much as you want to, it isn't a good time to argue because you almost assuredly can't win. This week.

Week of: July 31-August 1

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
--William James

And, to add insult to injury (I always did like old Bill James, even if he was way too long-winded), he's another quote from the Bard that needs a play, act, scene number, and character to win a free El-Inexpensive-o report, FGS style.

"But, O, how oddly will it sound that I
Must ask my child foregiveness!"

Alonso in The Tempest, (V.i.198-9)

Aries: Aries have all been a little upset with me lately because I keep telling them how wonderful everything is 'sposed to be, and they keep making one fatal mistake right after another, and this compounds the situation. In other words, quit stumbling over your own feet. Or tongue, as the case maybe. I don't have any cute little homespun homilies which will make you feel better, but this is a good time for you, if you can just stay out of your own way.

Taurus: Well, my great Taurus friend, there is a problem with a pride this week. You will probably feel like you are face to face with some problem that offends your good-natured sensibilities. The solution is none to easy: you need to stick out it and fight for what you feel is the right thing here. Could be a matter of taste (you're always right in that scenario) or it could be a work problem. Whatever the case may be, you will feel like you don't have the reserves to make a stand, but you do. Go for it!

Gemini: This is the last of the good summer weeks for social butterfly Gemini. You need to get out this week and play hard. I would definitely warn you to day away from that party animal, the Leo, this week, because your combination (Leo is fire, Gemini is air) would have a tendency to set a Leo off. On the flip side of the metaphor, though, the Leo's always have the best of parties, so you might want to go just for that. Remember, though, you need to keep it light this week. You hare favorably disposed towards romance and social interaction this week.

Cancer: Okay, the deal is this: the little red one, Mars, is now firmly in your sign, albeit just in the early degrees. What this means is that you, as a Cancer, will be inclined to take more risks than usual. In true Cancer style, that might mean a new outfit for fishing, or some new bait, like maybe a newfangled plastic lure (instead of tried and true live bait). It's a good time for CALCULATED risk taking. It's bad time for just doing stupid things for the sake of doing stupid things. Let the college students handle that for us.

Leo: I know how you Leo types are, but I should really warn you about this one: there is full Moon this week, which should make for some really wild times. The problem is that the full Moon is at the opposite side of the zodiac, and that can make for some tough party scenes this week. I know, I know, it's your birthday and you certainly deserve a better horoscope. Well, the good news is that there will be a big party, and it will be just for you. Just exercise caution when getting ready for the annual birthday bash.

Virgo: The good news is that Mercury, your ruler, moves into Virgo this week. Of course, being the ever cautious Virgo that you are, you will find that you need to exercise even greater caution than usual with this astrological influence. Since it's been such a good summer for fishing, I would bet that you need to be very careful when cleaning the fish this weekend. Sharp objects, be they either a knife or a wit, can really hurt right now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Libra: There is a major planet blocking you right now. I'd like to warn you that this isn't a good week to engage in gambling activities. In fact, if you do win the lottery this week, you can laugh at me all you want. But I would bet that you would have a tendency to over extend yourself a little too much -- in fact, make a that 3 to 1 call on that bet, and look out for long shot opportunities, too. While like betting on the underdog, I'd wager that you wouldn't do too well with it this week.

Scorpio: There has been this effect in Scorpio, remember what the last few years were like? Not that I like to dredge up the past, but that effect is back. Or at least, it's close. I realize that you've been waiting on some good news, so here it is: you still have a great ability to see into other peoples' minds. In other words, you understand THEIR motivation. Makes it a lot easier for you to get ahead when you understand what makes them tick.

Sagittarius: You're week starts out with a phenomenal bang, but then begins to fizzle just a little as you enroll in your next class: vegetable canning for fun and profit. Sounds a little pedantic for a Sag, but I would heartily consider this class, just for you, just for this week. It's a continuing education thing, and lord knows, you can always do with a little more school.

Capricorn: I've warned you about "get rich quick" schemes. I've warned you about multi-level marketing. I've warned you about "next generation" marketing scams. In fact, I've warned you about just the whole gamut of ways to make money except for good old fashioned hard work. Any other sign might be afraid of hard work, but you've got the ability to to take it, if only for short duration.

Aquarius: The week starts out great and only gets a little bit better as things go motoring along. It's like this: you get one of those trolling motors, the electric kind, and hook it up i the front of your bass boat. If you don't have a boat, then work with me on this, and do this allegorically. Anyway, trolling is way of silently sliding into place where the big fish are lurking, and that's the secret this week, sneaking up on the big catch, whatever that catch might be.

Pisces : Pisces are such wonderful creatures, I would hate to bore you with too much reality, but there's an ongoing deal where you are face to face with the money making bug a boo thing, and reality keeps insisting that it be inserted into your life. Don't fret, dear Pisces friend, this isn't really too much of a problem, and you will find that you can go back to regularly scheduled dream land in a little while. And, hey, good luck with work!

Week of: July 22-28

"I think we are in rat's alley
Where dead men lost their bones."
-- T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land" (lines 115-6)

Howdy, Bubba, and welcome to the ASTRONET home of Kramer, Fishing Guide to the Stars. It's time to party on, dudes. The sun is firmly establishing itself in Leo, and the moon is ready to create mischief. Speaking of which, T.S. Eliot is the proper American poet to consult on a hot and sultry summer day. It's a good summer for baked goods. 'Course, that's how many of us feel these days.

Ever get the feeling that impending doom is hanging over you like a bad hair day? Perhaps that's why you feel like turning up Prince's "1999" loud enough to bother the neighbors and worry the dog. Problem is, not everyone shares your devil-may-care attitude, especially the neighbors. Imagine being stuck all day in a fishing boat with a sour partner. That's you, sourpuss. Even the fish are scared.

Today's word is: mental. You are mentally challenged, mentally, in several areas of your mental life. While that may sound like a mental handicap or something, it means that your mental thinking cap will be tested. Mentally. My mental thinking cap is a ratty old canvas jobber (looks like a gimme cap) that says 'C. Garcia "Plucky" 1957' and depicts a vintage fishing lure. One time I got a fishing lure stuck in my nose, and my father went so mental I thought he was going to leave me out on the lake. Don't try to defend ineffective thought patterns. They'll think you're . . . ah, never mind.

The last romance window is closing. Venus and Mars have done their thing in your sign and declaring they'll try to remain friends as they go their separate ways. It's a split for the record books, really, because the two planets wreaked more havoc in your fertile sign than Van Halen could ever do to a hotel room. Your physical stamina and activity have attracted a new lover. Here's where you don't want to get your golden locks caught in the window, Rumplestilskin: The party is over at the end of this week. Remind me to tell you a joke about Gemini.

Mars storms into your sign at the end of the week, and that means renewed vigor and some open hostility. Being a little aggressive isn't bad, just make sure you're not caught in a boat all day with someone who keeps trying to drown you. It could be ugly. The Coast Guard may become involved. Or worse, the local sheriff. Be careful about water skiing this week. Despite your extra dose of energy, being extra careful that you don't overdo it, whatever physical activity "it" is.

Yeaux, Leo! The sun begins its month-long stay in your sign this week. A Leo birthday is profound compared to the other zodiacal birthdays. Now that you're a year older, you're going to feel like expressing yourself more loudly and strongly than ever before. Well? Go for it. If you fail to exercise this expression, you'll regret it. Just make sure you've thought about your Shakespearean soliquoy before you start foaming at the mouth. And have a stellar week!

It's not a conspiracy, really. Oh sure, there are some who think there's an "X-Files" cover-up around every corner, but not you. Except this week. I'll wager that you'll feel like you and only you -- Scully isn't here to help out -- can save the world. For some reason, you have stirred a powerful enemy, a demon from your childhood or subconscious or tech support department, and it bothers you a lot. But that's OK because a Virgo without something to worry about is not a pretty sight.

A respite from difficult money problems seems appropriate this week. Your innate sense of beauty and harmony pay off. You will find, if only for a brilliant moment or two, that you are attracting a pretty lil' thang into your life this week. Whomever or whatever, I suggest you grab it with both hands and reel it in like it's the Lost Treasure of All Time because it looks like the catch of the week.

Speaking of catch of the week . . . Are you ready for this week? It starts with a big bang not unlike the one physicists use to describe the birth of the universe, and things only get better from there. Don your emotional armor: It'll make an impressive sight as your ebullient attitude shocks everyone. Bet you like that, too. Smiling will make them wonder what you're up to.

This is a week when you consider joining the Peace Corps. Your problem is that you have a tendency to help people who don't want any of your horse stuff in their stall. They don't want your misguided charity. I pity you. Really. Here's what you do: Remain as selfish as possible. The more you try to help, the more you get in the way. Odd? Yes. But trust me on this one.

This is a week when you must restrain yourself. Try a restraining order. Or handcuffs. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and Saturn is often viewed as restraint itself, but that's not what I'm talking about. Your normal ability to judge right from wrong, good taste from bad, etc, is gone like Michael Irvin's chances for becoming a role model. Your good taste has gone fishing. Your ability to make judgment calls isn't too swift, either. Hope you're not an umpire. Or a judge. Rather than let this be a worrisome time, just remember let someone else take the blame. Like a lawyer.

In the good ol' days, you would have picked up the phone and spent hours talking to an operator, trying to get through to a place. Let's say Williamson County in Texas. These days, you log on to your computer and spend hours trying to connect to your online service or Internet provider. The more things change . . . Basically, it's a week of obstacles. I like the line from a Dwight Yoakam song about getting a note "From the folks over at Bell/Just to let me know for my next phone call/I could walk outside and yell.*" The problem is that you are full of ideas, just no way to get the news to the world, except stepping outside to yell.
*Dwight Yoakum, (c) 1988 Coal Dust Music

Here's good news: Nothing bad is happening this week. No work-related trauma. No family problems. No car troubles. No IRS auditors. No banks looking for delinquent sums. No ex-wives looking for past-due child support. No ex-husbands looking for affection and pity. None of the usual troubles affect you this week. Just wait until next week.

Week of: July 15-23
"Take note, take note, O World! To be direct and honest is not safe."
Iago in Shakespeare's Othello (III, iii, 378)

Aries: The good news this week, my Aries friend, is that there is a lot of coming and going happening. Lots of little details to look after, and certain feeling of "love" permeates the air. That's the good news. The bad news is that you will be tempted to work too much, and thereby letting this relationship fall by the wayside. Not always a good thing.

Taurus: The problem you face this week is two-fold, that is, you have a strong feeling of romance which is still lingering, but you aren't able to deal with these feelings effectively. That can all pose a problem or two for you. Now, to add some sand to the gears, you've got this delightfully sharp insight right now , but no way to use it. And no one to use it one, either. None of this looks too good for the old Taurus. The good news is that there are changes in the wind.

Gemini: romance is still the big one this week, with the cosmic love duo playing a game of tag in your sign. Mars and Venus are quickly slipping through, and while they are here, emotions run hot and cold. Hot from Mars and cold from Venus. Of course, given that you're a Gemini, this sort of duality is nothing new in your life. You are used to it. That romance which you have been waiting to materialize should be along just about any moment now; be ready to seize the day.

Cancer: The Sun and the Moon start this week out, making it a particularly good week for you. Really. Although your emotions seem to be turbocharged (remember the blower we put on the truck?), you calm down towards the end of the week as the Sun moves on into Leo. Then things really start happening for you. Look for some foreign correspondence to bring you a bit of good news. Now work with me on the definition of foreign, here in Texas, New York is foreign as they get.

Leo: Birthday time! Birthdays start this week as the mighty Sun rolls into Leo. I've been waiting patiently, and so have you, for this auspicious time of the year: Month of Leo. With all that has been going on, you are at a three year peak in you life when there are any number of good things that can happen to you. Work is supposed to be a proverbial piece of cake right now, and the more important social connections are also supposed to be good right now. Great, in fact. Careful that your mouth doesn't get you in trouble.

Virgo: Dear sweet Virgo. Oh dear. Oh. Looks like this is a week that money problems which you had successfully wished away are back. In a big way. The deal is this: there are two planets in a tight configuration making life very difficult for your pocketbook right now. The good news is that these two planets will go on their merry way soon enough. Now, what are you going to do about it? fortunately, worry can be your middle name, so if I were in your boots right about now, I would worry a lot. In reality, you have no control over the events and the stellar tides shift in your favor, just not this week.

Libra: My poor Libra friend, it seems as if all the weights of the worlds are resting upon your shoulders. The biggest problem you face this week involves a concept foreign to me: earned income. Work is the problem this week. The good news is that the problems will go away. The bad news is that it is going to take a certain degree of effort on your part. The best thing to do is to isolate yourself in fishing boat and experiment with new fishing lures. Shoot, try live bait. anything new and different that you do alone, even though this requires extra effort on your part, will pay off. That's the good news. Don't expect immediate gratification, that's the downside.

Scorpio: There's a funny thing happening this week to Scorpio: you feel both elated and depressed at the same time. The problem is that everything seems to be motoring along quite smoothly right now. Better pay close attention, Scorpio, because while everything seems to be going along fine right now, it probably won't last (but you knew that), and it's a good time to get those details in order so that the good fortune can continue.

Sagittarius: Tofu-loving Sagittarius people write me letters and claim that there is such a creature. In fact, I usually call Sagittarius the sign of "cold pizza for breakfast" because most of the Archers are less than concerned about what fuel they put into their bodies. Leftover Chinese food is also good--the spicier, the better. The deal is this: you are face to face with getting some nutritional advice this week. Listen to what the advisors say; it might do you some good.

Capricorn: Capricorn is not a sign one would traditionally associate with an ability to dream. Not that there aren't some visionary Sea Goats out there, just that it's not a the usual; sign for such activities. But right now, the dreams are in the forefront for you. Go ahead and have a few wild fantasies about money--it will do you good. What was that character's name in turn of the century American literature who slept on bed of money?

Aquarius: Everybody else is under tremendous pressure right now, at least that's the way the world looks to you. To be sure, you feel some of this pressure yourself, but there are still certain changes you need to consider making, just for yourself. The problem, or as we say in modern astrology, the CHALLENGE, comes from allowing your stubborn side to see that there are some benefits to the upcoming changes. Consider trying new bait. If you've never used live bait, give it a shot. Or whatever other change is required to shake up your steadfast routines.

Pisces: If anything, this is a good week for nesting. If you are a Pisces with a home based business, then things couldn't be any better right now. Bet you are enjoying life to the maximum. That's the good news. Other prognostications include a sudden upturn in business this week. And to think that I get a huge volume of mail from Pisces who complain about what I say about work. I get the impression that Pisces don't like work too much.

Week of: July 8-14
"Rare words! Brave world! Hostess, my breakfast come!/O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!" Falstaff in Shakespeare's Henry IV, Part I (III.iii.205-6)

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Bang your drum slowly, my dear Aries friends because week that starts out with the Moon in Aries on Monday is good sign. And the way work looks like it is stacking up right now, you could use all the good fortune coming your way that's possible. Just be careful that your emotional demands don't wear your neighbors thin.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: Now, a lot of astrologers tend to think that the Sign of the Bull is possessive and too oriented towards personal belongings. While this is a rash and generalized statement, it does occur to you that it could be true this week. The flip side of this statement is that it is a good week to consider buying a new fishing boat. Or acquiring something else like that, say, a new vehicle or some of those new lures that smell like garlic. They do work, just check with the Salty Sucker Bait Co. for more info.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: You get the triple - double - throw down - whammy maneuver this week from the heavens as your emotions and a new relationship seem to run amok. Buy that wedding ring! Get him or her that big diamond! Go all out! If this is a new romance, remember to bait your date's hook, especially when using Sushi as bait. Even if it isn't a first date.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Poor Cancer, what with this being a birthday time and all, you've been down in the dumps lately. A little midnight fishing with high powered spotlight to attract the bugs which then attract the fish is the way to do it. You'll have more luck next week, though, as the emotional trauma gets smoothed over. Since this is my editor's birthday week, let's all show our sympathy for his poor Cancer self and send him an email wishing him a happy birthday. That's "BenBubba@aol.com."

Leo [7/23-8/23]: The only problem with being Leo is that those pesky emotions tend to bubble up at uncomfortable times, like right now, and you don't know what to do about it all. Patience, dear Leo, as you time will come! You will find that you are feeling a profound degree of psychological transformation approaching. Ever consider changing the patterns that fish with? The old fishing holes seem to be depleted right now, and you should look for something new...

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: You seem to have it easy this week, but there is a dark and foreboding sense that there is something lurking under the water. Just relax and keep casting your bait out. You may not catch much this week, but the dark and foreboding feeling of dread will soon be gone. I promise.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: You will find that you are hot this week as you seem to burn with an evangelical zeal. This fervent attitude can be put to good use, but the trick this week is finding an appropriate outlet for your energy.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: A boomerang is one of those foreign constructs which refers to an aerial device that returns. You throw it and it comes back. And just like a boomerang, there is a relationship issue which has come back to visit you. Now, I told you a long time ago to clean this up but did you listen? I guess you don't because they're back, and it looks like they have an army of lawyers, too. I only hope that some tort reform is in action right now.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Live bait works best this week. Get yourself a live one, bait the hook well, and the fish will bite. That's a simple message at this time, but what does it mean, oh great Fishing Guide to the Stars? It means that now is the time to get prepared for some real action. Get the ducks in row, or, in this case, get your tackle all lined up and ready for a big fishing tournament this weekend. Go for the biggest Bass in the lake, that one feller who who has defied all other fishermen. You can do it.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: You poor dear Capricorns. I want to tell you about how things are going to be so very nice for you right now, but there is one little problem: I have an ex who is a Cappy, and now that she's reading this, I can't say anything nice about Capricorn. But for the rest of you, just watch the dream like quality that seems to lead you drifting off to fantasy world. Maybe it's just a Disney Land, but watch your step. On a positive note, try playing the lottery.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Settle back with a good book, prop your feet up on the gunwales of the boat, and plan on drowning a few worms. If you are an animal rights activist, just drop a bare hook over the edge of the boat -- the only fish that strike at that WANT to be eaten. Makes it a volunteer kind of a thing -- and you experience absolutely no guilt whatsoever.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Concentrate on work in the early part of the week, and call you mother later in the week. Tidy up some stuff around the house. Relax some. Of course, it's an oxymoron, talking about a tense Pisces, but you should find some much needed relaxation this week. Maybe go fishing this weekend.

Week of: July 1-7

    "It has to be done right... and that's when the strange music starts, when you stretch your luck so far that fear becomes exhilaration and vibrates along your arms."

    Hunter S. Thompson in Hell's Angels, a Strange and Terrible Saga.

    Remember, the key phrase is "that's when the strange music starts..."

Aries: If you weren't feeling the emotions I kept talking about within the last week, you will certainly be feeling them this week. The advantage to be a an Aries is that you are a Fire Sign and can usually deal with pesky little things like "feelings" in a straightforward manner. In this case, propose marriage. if it flies, so be it. And if it doesn't, move to the next relationship. These "feelings" will subside, next week.

Taurus: The usual astrology text will tell you that you hare having a good week, but I'll wager that work looks pretty dismal right now. And so does the romantic front. Before you worry too much about all this dismal stuff, keep track of the fact that your time is coming, and the very best way to attack a week like this is like a bear: roll around in the sun and enjoy not working too hard.

Gemini: The good news is that Venus turns herself around this week, and takes off in a forward gallop. Okay, so she starts at a crawl and then slowly builds to a stately pace. Venus and Mars play tag one more time. This means Romance is highlighted. One more time. Did I ever explain why Gemini's are the best people to have a romantic relationship with? You're ability to be diverse and to always be entertaining give much pleasure to the right partner. Now's the time.

Cancer: Birthdays and a sullen attitude are prevalent this week. When a Cancer starts to sulk, well, it's not a pretty sight. Just because your Big Birthday is overshadowed by a national holiday is no reason to sulk. Just snap out of it. And watch your driving, too. Youwill find a certain degree of mental acuity which further exacerbates your mental languor, so just hang in until we all get this Birthday stuff over with.

Leo: Getting ready for the big party? Waiting on things to FINALLY turn in your favor? Have your bags packed? You will find that you have an overpowering urge to travel right about now, and there doesn't seem like you have a destination firmly set in mind. This could present a problem: other sign (like Sagittarius) don't mind wandering around, lost. You do mind it. you need to pick the destination with care. After all, it is your birthday time approaching, the celebration of the year.

Virgo: You realize that you are going to attract a lot more attention this week than you are used to attracting. This is due to a favorable stellar configuration. Now, if you can just move beyond the usual Virgo tendency to to be too picky then everything will start to work out. Too much attention to details can hurt you right now, try and step back for a better look at the big picture.

Libra: You have received some insight in how this relationship-thing is supposed to work out. At least, you are supposed to have received some insight by now. Your best luck comes from a "guided meditation" with live bait on the boat. That means head out for some good fishing to get some time alone. Watch out for the celebrations, too, you don't want to party too much.

Scorpio: This insight that I keep harping on you about, it's your usual deep way of looking at things, and you need to apply that critical ability right now. While your at it, it would also be a good time to hone up your razor sharp wit. Get an edge on that edge, if you know what I mean. Scorpio's always have a razor wit.

Sagittarius: The week starts out with money on your mind and the week ends with romance on your mind. Which will it be? Love or money? Can't get them both worked out this week, and you, being a good Sagittarius, ought to work on the romance rather than the money because the money will start to some your way soon enough.

Capricorn: Talk about turning into a day dreamer around the first of the week! That's what you've got to look forward to, a lot of day dreams. Just exercise a caution with this day dreaming, though, because hard core reality comes knocking on your door as the week progress. Think about working during the holiday -- times being what they are!

Aquarius: It's a rather unusual week for you guys, the sign of the black leather jacket -- ever hear of the Ton Up Club? It was in the early Sixties, anyone who had ever been on a fast motorcycle, over a hundred miles an hour. What's this got to do with you? It reflects how you feel this week. No live bait, either, because you will find that your "feelings" are too "delicate" to handle those squirming live things right now.

Pisces: You guys are destined to fall head over heels in love with someone this week. Pretty simple forecast for you, huh? Just realize that it might not work out too well, being a brief encounter. But you will find that love and romance are in the Pisces air, or water and gills, as it were.

Week of: Jun 24-30

"What a damned Epicurean rascal is this?"
Francis Ford in Shakespeare's The Merry Wives of Windsor (II.ii.276)

Aries: Of course, most Aries will not agree with me, but that doesn't ,matter, we need to agree to disagree on this minor point: it is a good week filled with the rewards of many efforts. In fact, the chief reward should have something to do with a romantic relationship which feels like it is based upon some kind of fate-approved destiny. The only problem is an emotional opposition to allowing good things to happen, like this fine hand of fate.

Taurus: You've had your eye on some one for a long time now, and you keep wondering if you should make a move any time soon. Probably not. The very thing that is holding you back from making any kind of forward advancement in this relationship is your mind being overly active. While questions are a good exercise, too many questions kind freeze up your heart, rather than warming it up, like it's supposed to be.

Gemini: I warned you about relationships right now, but did you listen? Of course not. With Mars and Venus playing celestial tag with each other in your sign, you really feel the heat for the relationship stuff. To exacerbate matters, your poor heart feels like it is out on your sleeves again. My suggestion is to wear sleeveless shirts this week (thereby reducing heart troubles).

Cancer: So you've got a birthday month in full swing? I would take a lesson from something besides Western Astrology, and I would look out. There is a annoyingly loud and noisome holiday right around the corner, it's a good time to learn to duck. Get ready fro a rollicking week coming up. And if you are an early Cancer, then Happy Birthday this week.

Leo: No bad news this week for Leo. None at all. And for some of you, this might prove a bit troublesome just because there is nothing that you should be looking out for. The week starts off with a slow fizzle and builds towards a good weekend for you. Emotions might seem a bit frayed by the pyrotechnics, but why not just sit back and enjoy the party? You will find yourself in the limelight one more time.

Virgo: You are feeling a bit pensive this week, and frankly, I would enjoy the added mental clarity that comes your way. Your normally incisive mind is further heightened so enjoy the good use of insight. Make an effort, this week, to do something constructive for yourself. You'll feel better even if the act looks like it is selfish. Being a little selfish every once in a while, is a good thing.

Libra: The Moon goes roaring across you early in the week, making for an exciting time. Your emotions are on the edge this week, too, so some caution is advised. Not too much, caution, though, because you don't want to ruin a good thing. Feel good about something this week. It will help. And, you will find that you are in a good position to effect some resolution to one particular problem you've been dealing with lately. Tackle the one problem, and not too many, this week.

Scorpio: There's one thing I love about a Scorpio. Actually, there are lots of things to love about a Scorpio, but the attribute which figures so prominently this week is the the tenacious ability to get to the bottom of something. Use this energy wisely, my good Scorpio friend, because it doesn't come in this strong too often. Trust your own judgment, not some one else's. This is a good week to ferret out information that you have been seeking.

Sagittarius: The fireworks arrive a little bit early this week. That's what it feels like. The slow crescendo builds towards the weekend, and by Thursday or Friday, you might be close to exploding. Just like some of the fireworks that are for sale along the roadside. Don't you love this time of year? Just be careful with those sticky, interpersonal relationships right now, no need to harm something that doesn't deserve the harm. Watch you mouth.

Capricorn: Well, dear Capricorn, we are waiting on a lot of things this week.. If you are a Christmas baby, then this week is your official "Half-Birthday" and you should enjoy that special day. Get out and do something for yourself. Just don't overexert yourself on this half birthday celebration. With Jupiter (the lucky star) all over you, games of chance, lady luck, and dame fortune are all smiling on you. Use it or lose it.

Aquarius: Deep seated changes in the way you relate to other people is the concept for he week. Work with me on this: you are going to learn a new way to encounter people this week. Approach this as a learning experience, and you can truly benefit from it.

Pisces: You know, as I go through the year with you, I have watched the tide swell up on your relationships, watched the water crest, and finally, this week, watch it subside a little. "Don't panic," as one author suggests, because the changing waters of life for your are in for one more change. Just hold on this week. As if that were any problem.