Monthly News of the World 8/93

Monthly News of the World 8/93

copyright Kramer Wetzel, Austin, Texas

These are real prognostications with surreal people in mind, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. This month’s bon mot comes from Sylvia Porter: “One of the soundest rules I try to remember when making forecasts in the field of economics is that whatever is to happen is happening already.”

Virgo: Happy birthday. Your normal, talkative selves seem to run amuck this month, more so than ever before. In fact, many of you won’t ever shut up. The best advice is to get your friends some ear plugs. A late summer romance would seem to be in order, too. Be careful, though, you wouldn’t want to catch any strange ailments.

Libra: Last month’s luck is only getting stronger this month. Look for some raw, animal energy to be fulfilled. This might upset the normal Libra balance you have worked so hard to maintain. Just enjoy it.

Scorpio: You might consider wearing something different than black, just for a change. Then again, maybe not. Those secrets you were worried about are still safe – no one will tell on you. You will feel particularly spiritual this month, perhaps this indicates an increased need for prayer. Continue to wear dark glasses in the day time.

Sagittarius: It’s a great time for karmic navel gazing, pondering the deeper meanings of life, the universe and everything. Try to hold onto the hard-earned summer money. Stay away from recalcitrant Gemini. It’s a little late to start thinking about school, but you can still get into the community college class that you’ve always wanted.

Capricorn: Still tongue tied from last month? It’s okay, you’ll get over it. Until then, though, just to be on the safe side, and to stay out of harm’s way, try keeping as low a profile as possible. Which is going to be difficult-you’ll probably get lost going to the corner store, sometime this month. And then get lost going to get some groceries. Just don’t tell anyone, and you’ll look fine.

Aquarius: You are having a hard time learning to work with others. Maybe you could just give up and open your own business, be your own boss. Just think: you would have to answer to no one, except of course, yourself. Now might be a good time to do that-join the ranks of the gainfully unemployed. All you need is a briefcase and a mobile phone.

Pisces: This is a good month to be a Pisces. You might encounter and occasional flare up of egocentric problems, but other than that, the sun is shining in your corner of the world. Be bright and enjoy it! Last month is long forgotten, if you haven’t forgotten it already.

Aries: You knew it would get better, didn’t you? Your luck still hasn’t changed much, nor will it, but you will have a lot more energy to enjoy what doesn’t work. At least you can get out of bed now. You know, deep in your heart, this is going to be better month. Really. Trust me on this one. I am a professional.

Taurus: Some of you are still experiencing some deep-seated radical change. Think about your hair style and attitude – are you being all that you can be? Time for designer ice cream, like Ben and Jerry’s, or Austin’s own Amy’s. The ice cream is so soothing, even if it isn’t particularly good for you. Which doesn’t matter, because you don’t have any health problems, at least, not this month.

Gemini: You have the most difficulties this month with Sagittarius, or Sagittarius inspired problems. It probably is a good time to re-evaluate you educational standing: think about going back to school- all better now. You don’t need to matriculate, just imagine it.

Cancer: Last month was pretty tough, what with a certain inability to communicate, but that should be all over now. If it isn’t already all over you. Now wouldn’t be a bad time to consider a new hobby. Ever think about bass fishing as a sport? In fact, consider any activity you can get hooked on. Maybe try some serious substance abuse. See £ for ideas.

Leo: Time to go surfing, take a trip to the beach, catch some rays, drink some suds, do whatever. The only limitations you will face this month come from deep within yourself. Not that it would ever slow you down any, either. Party on!

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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