Week of: April 14-20

"Ha, ha! he wears cruel garters." in Shakespeare's King Lear (II.iv.7)
Tax day. Too bad. Mercury Retrograde. Even worse.

Look on the bright side, though, if Mercury is retrograde for you, it's also retrograde for the IRS.

Aries: Things are finally going to start to settle down for the Aries. After all your activity in the last few weeks, a little settling down won't be too much of a problem, now will it? Maybe the course of true love never did run smooth, but you will find the course of your romantic life finally hitting a smooth stretch of the lake. And as the Sun gently eases on into Taurus, you'll find that your financial woes, such as they are, get a lot easier to bare. Just about any way that you look at it, this is a good week for Aries.

Taurus: The good news is that it's your birthday, but the downside of the beginning of Taurus is that good old Mercury starts his hermetically sealed backslide in Taurus right now. Yes, it's the dreaded Mercury Retrograde time again, and a few of you Taurus folks are going to complain and ask, "didn' t this happen last year?" All I can say is, "Yes." Apparently, there is a an odd stellar god who wants all Tauruses to learn something about communication and now is the chance.

Gemini: Poor Gemini, at least you know that you an count on me for sympathy because I do understand what it is that you are going through with this unsettling time. You'll find that all that sweet and gooey romantic stuff I was spouting last week has just suddenly turned your life into a sodden mess because you feel like you are really bogged down by burgeoning relationship stuff. Kind of like tossing a line a out and having it get caught in the weeds.

Cancer: Remember when your arguing with your present employer, that this situation is kind of like arguing with a spouse or a wife, you maybe right, but just being right doesn't insure success. In fact, no matter how right you are this week, it still doesn't pay to argue because this quickly degenerates into one of those pointless yelling matches in which no one benefits, unless you can get it on tape for something like "America's Funniest Home Video" because you're boss/employer/spouse will either say or do something stupid in the argument. But it doesn't matter how right you are., you still loose.

Leo: I've been telling you just how nice everything is for Leo, especially the last few weeks. Now I have to gently break some bad news to you: the coming week, despite an uproariously good start, plummets to new lows as this retrograde thing kicks in. What can you do to protect yourself? Doesn't look there is a whole lot of protection available, and the good energy runs out shortly after dawn on Monday. Look on the bright side, though, if Mercury is retrograde for you, it's also retrograde for the IRS.

Virgo: The way this week starts out,m and the way it's going to continue for a while, it's like one of those fishing stories, the one that got away stories, which you keep hearing from rime to time, throughout all eternity. Shoot, even old Noah himself had fishing tales like that, "Should've been here yesterday, they were really biting them." Can't you just see old Noah on his floating zoo talking like that? I predict that you will come this close to landing the biggest fish you have ever seen this week, only to have the line snap in two, right before you get the fish in the net.

Libra: With your good Libra sense of smell, I want you to step outside and take sniff of the air. Supposedly it's spring time, and Love is in the air, but I just want to get a nice, balanced Libra opinion on this. What with the planets floating backwards, and few other odd happenings in the sky, I was really wondering about this. Is it really love that's on that spring time breeze, wafting its way along? Or is it something a little different, like maybe last week's catch of the day, starting to ferment a bit.

Scorpio: I'm worried about the Scorpio's this week because you guys are going to be pretty hard hit with the planes in the next few days.... first, there's the Mercury thing, and then a Sun things, and then a Uranus/Jupiter thing, all these guys add to a *challenging* period of time. Look, lesser astrological sign would not be able to cope with this strenuous astrological conditions, so I guess that means that you are more than ready for whatever comes your way. I would wonder about taking a long trip at time like this, ever thought of trolling off one of them big ocean liners?

Sagittarius: Mercury retrograde won't bother you too much this time because there is nothing that you haven't already experienced in your meager life. See: Sag is used to chewing on shoe leather from saying the right thing at the wrong time. So when little communication problems arise, like they do with Merc RX, this is nothing new. As an Archer, you can handily take it all in stride. You've got other fish to fry this week, don't sweat the small stuff.

Capricorn: Looks like the Real World is trying to exert an influence on you again! Sorry that I have this to report, but work is once again the highlight, and watching out for what is going on in the workplace is a big challenge. You want to make sure you don't wind up like that one "Gilligan's Island" episode, you know the one where they almost get off the island and then Gilligan blows it at the last minute. You don't want to look like Bob Denver, do you? And you do EXACTLY which episode it is that I'm referring to, don't you?

Aquarius: I took one look at the Aquarius chart for this week, and all I could do was hum that old song, one more time," It's is the dawn of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius...." I sure hope you don't have the same tune stuck in your head for the rest of the week. But looking at your chart again,. I'm sure that you will humming along, although I'd bet that the music you hear is substantially different from what any one else s listening to.

Pisces: This is a good week to be of service to your fellow man. Try to do one nice thing for someone else, and try to remain anonymous. Good luck on your mission. Other than that, I'd get the boat ready for some real kicking action on the lake with some nice top water plugs because that's where it's all at this week. And nope, it's not a week for catfish.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person.

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