Week of: March 31-April 6
“April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.”
— Thomas Stearns Eliot’s opening lines from the epic poem, “The Waste Land”
Howdy, Bubba, and welcome to the ASTRONET home of Kramer, Fishing Guide to the Stars. It’s spring and before all the Geminis start faxing me lines from Tennyson, I wanted to head things off at the pass with a wee bit of the fertility imagery from “The Waste Land.” Happy Spring. May all of your seeds take root.
Aries
For a few of you, this is like a really, really big week for you. A relationship thang has finally come to this: he/she vs. you. You’ve been biding your time, waiting on the best opportunity to strike. Watch out for work interfering with your night-time plans.
Taurus
Say goodbye to that old, miserable romance and say hello to the hyperactive child of the sky, Mercury. This means that in the next week, you’ll feel highly energized, more so than usual. Remember the tee-vee show “Little (Out)House on the Prairie”? Bet you feel like you’re living in one of the old reruns, right now. “Shore is pretty, pa.” Remember, just like those old tee-vee shows, things always end happily, just like this week, shortcake.
Gemini
My dear Gemini friend. Friends. Whatever. You have a new romance on the horizon. It’s like an instant replay from last summer, all that wonderful romance energy filling you full of “sweetness and light” and the little wedding bell asteroid starting to influence you with her power. It’s a good time to consider the big picture before you get Love Tunnel Vision. That’s where you can’t see anything except what is going on in your own life. Your tall, dark, handsome stranger is about to come knocking on your door.
Cancer
Ever notice that life is like a cattle pasture? Lots of fertilizer. Life is like that, too, because between the green blades of grass, there are plutonium-like brown cow patties, and you can’t seem to walk across the field without getting some on the outside of your boots. Life is like that, isn’t it? Can’t seem to get to the gate of the pasture without stepping in it.
Leo
A Far East philosophy talks about the need to “chop wood, carry water.” This metaphor illuminates the possibility of hard labor as a way of freeing the mind. The motto of a favorite Austin restaurant is “that which burns the lips, frees the mind.” Either do some kind of mindless manual labor for awhile, or go eat hot Mexican food. One way or another, your mind can soar to new heights.
Virgo
Ever been to a rodeo or watch one on tee-vee? None looks as painful as bull riding. Imagine this: take an animal that weighs more than a compact car, put a tight rope around his private parts, jolt him with some high-voltage pain, and then set yourself down on his back and see if you can hang on for a mere eight seconds. I can think of many things I would much rather do than try to wrestle a really, really pissed-off bull. His brain is smaller than a pecan, and he weighs more than a ton. This week, you will remember that it’s much easier to get on the bull than to get off.
Libra
It’s not like life has been some sort of cakewalk lately. But, this is your half-birthday time which, unfortunately, means that everywhere you turn, you face certain opposition. Persevere this week and you will earn your just desserts, like chocolate-fudge pecan pie. That’s the good news. The problem is your partner: He/she catches the biggest bass ever caught in the lake. C’est la vie.
Scorpio
An unfortunate configuration in the night sky is destined to make you irritable and unresponsive. An irritable Scorpio can be dangerous and may require medical care for anyone in your way. The best way to approach this week is to remember that something has pissed you off and that your best revenge is to do nothing about it. Mutter loudly to yourself, “Someday, my little pretty, I’ll get you.” Plan nothing of the sort; the threat alone works well.
Sagittarius
“Shine on you crazy diamond” is a line from what song? E-mail me an answer, and I’ll send you a basic astrology report for free. That line is your line this week because you can shine like it’s your chance to wind up in the custom-made Las Vegas Elvis spotlight. Remember to pay homage to the King since you’re having such a good week.
Capricorn
If I were to write a nice Sea Goat horoscope, none of the Cappy’s out there would believe it. So I’ll sling a bit of dirt instead because Cappy’s need a bit of trouble and strife to keep harmony in their world. Work is under pressure once again this week. That’s the strife. And your partner is not helping things move along, either. That’s the trouble. Solution? Work alone or close to being alone. Now that the all-important money question is out of the way, how about a little romance this week? That could be good as wood — provided that the partner causing problems isn’t the same as the romantic partner.
Aquarius
There’s a whole lotta shaking going on, and it doesn’t calm down until much later. That’s the good news. Or the bad news. The long-range plan looks sound. Even better news. But the short-range focus, especially this week, is out of kilter. Not that being out of kilter, or kilts, is anything new for an Aquarius.
Pisces
Dear sweet, benevolent, kind, ever-suffering Pisces. Just when you thought is was safe to go back in the water, along comes another sequel, and guess what? The water isn’t safe anymore. I don’t plan this stuff, I just report what the stars mess up for you. Caution, especially around water sports, is advised this week.
