Week of: July 21-27

“How dares thy harsh rude tongue sound this unpleasing news?”
— From Shakespeare’s Richard II, Act, 3, Scene 4, line 74

A few Scorpios and Virgos have taken a shine to my horoscopes. While I relish the praise, and my
battered male ego loves the attention, it’s not my intention to irritate you. I just report what the planets are up to. Maybe I should recall what that messenger kept telling Cleopatra because I sure know how he feels these days. If you know the passage I’m talking about, then drop me a line, and I’ll send you a free “El-Cheapo” report. I’ll just need the Act, Scene, and line number in order to declare you an instant winner…

Some people call it the Twilight Zone. Some call it the Reality Distortion Field. And some call it the Real World. Welcome to Planet Aries for a week of, well, hmm, a chance to, well, you see, I’m not sure how to put this to you, but you aren’t ready to make any serious decisions this week. I realize you’re ready to make the decisions, but I suggest you do something completely out of character and put them off for at least another week. You’ll be much happier this way.

By now, you may be developing a complex because it may seem like I have nothing nice to say about Taurus. This is a damn lie! OK, where was I? Oh yes! Ranting! You see, it’s really just a few darned planets keep that getting in your way, making life uncomfortable. And nothing is worse than a discomfited Taurus, believe me. The only shining light this week is the single most important love interest in your life will straighten up and fly right. Not completely, but you can see them wobbling off in the right direction, that is “wobbling toward you” not “off.”

The week starts out well, then slumps, then picks up momentum during the weekend. In fact, I’m pretty sure about this: You might consider entering a celebrity pro-am bass tournament of champions. This would be the big break you’ve been looking for, a chance at a huge jackpot, and some celebrity status of your own. Just what you’ve always wanted: a boat full of fish.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when a decision must be made. A time to face the coldly objective facts of life. A cosmic review. You have a review this week. Well? What’s it going to be? Lunkerbaits and buzzbaits? A Devil’s Horse? How about slash bait? And, as long as you are working on the eternal verities of the universe, who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy? At FGS World Headquarters, we’re all Ford people. Why all the questions? Looks like you want to pop a big question this week, and I’m just trying to save you from that mistake again.

Sweet Leo friends, your search for happiness can be one of the most tragic events ever. If you would just QUIT LOOKING, the Happiness Bug will find you. However, you must stalking it, and let it find you. This is the beginning of long series of happy birthday weeks for all of the lovely Leos — but let me caution you that searching for the happiness quotient in life is one of the most unhappy events of all time.

A few minor planets trip into your sign this week. This is good news because these planets bear fruit. Or, at least in one case, bare fruit. Venus and Mercury are making merry music in Virgo now. Venus is that old love thang, hence the distinction between bare and bear, and Mercury is thinking about it, talking about it, writing love notes about it, and generally trying to communicate this information to the world. I suggest a fax machine.

Some days are tougher than others, and this week is no exception. If you’re interested in the technical side, then know that Mars and Saturn are about opposite each other — this opposition makes for a tough time. The good news is that the next time something like this happens in the heavens, it’ll happen to other signs, not you. This week is slow-going. Just take your time and remember to proofread your work. Spelling counts.

There’s a lot of stories in the naked city. Fortunately, I live near a large body of water so I get fish stories. Scorpio is a water sign, and you need some fish stories this week. I urge you to consider whoppers. Polish up your best tales about broken fishing lines, the big one, that “glory hole” where all you had to do was drop a hook in the water and the fish would bite at it, jumping into your boat. Yes, it’s a good week for tales.

I’ll bet you’ve had a set of cinderblock shelves. In fact, you may have some now. These “building blocks” and the stars function in much the same way. Just like the way you can put together small projects like a set of bookshelves, you can assemble large projects, like maybe the apartment you lived in (or are living in now) made with the same building blocks, cinder blocks. Work with me on this: It’s time to start assembling projects.

It’s a good week to straighten your work space. Clean up the desk or the work bench or tool box. If you’re lucky enough to fish for a living, clean up the tackle box. Certain items you thought lost were just tucked away in the nooks and crannies of your work space. These are items you might need later. This cleaning exercise is a good way to rid yourself of negative thoughts.

It’s another good week in Aquarius country. You have two guys hitting on you pretty strong, and a moon that emphasizes this, too. In their words, go for the gold. An Olympic metaphor is passe a year later, but you should get the idea that you have the strength to finish the sprint to the end.

I love Pisces… in fact, I make that same statement many times over. That’s the good news. The less than wonderful news is that it’s a long and dark summer. Actually, it’s not too dark, just hot and rainy when, despite the dark underside of the rain clouds, all you can feel is oppressive summer heat. I’m sorry about this report. The sliver lining is there if you just pause long enough to see it.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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